


i'm not the prettiest flower but i'll do

by guccixadidas



Series: tragically beautiful [1]
Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Love, M/M, Older Harry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Sad Louis, light bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2020-05-07 10:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 222,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19207426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guccixadidas/pseuds/guccixadidas
Summary: louis suffers from PTSD and harry just wants to help him love himselfeverything i wanted by billie eilish





	1. my parents and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay this is the first chapter to the first book i'm posting so please don't mind any errors or mistakes, i'll fix them as i go along. and i know it's not the best right now but i've already pre written some chapters and i promise it'll get better. it's just i knew how i wanted the book to be but never really put much thought of how the beginning will go, so i hope y'all would bare with me. okay but enjoy

mood: everything has changed- taylor swift ft ed sheeran

 

** Tuesday, August 7th, 5:43 pm **

"Louis, can you come downstairs?" Laura, Louis' mum, yelled from the kitchen. Louis can be heard opening his door and coming down the stairs. He made a turn to his right and entered the kitchen. When his mom saw him she asked, "Can you take the garbage out for me? I'm almost done with dinner."

"Seriously?" Louis fussed and snatched the bag that was laying on the floor, waiting to be taken out. He slipped his feet through his slides and went outside to put the trash out. Outside, there was a moving truck across the street from his house. There were two men, one older than the other, unloading what seemed to be an endless amount of boxes from the truck.

He flopped his way to the other side of his house to put the trash bag in the bin. Since it was Tuesday, the trash was going to be picked up tomorrow morning so he took it upon himself to bring it out to the curb. As he was dragging the bin across his driveway, he hit a bump in the sidewalk, causing the bin to fall on its side. "Seriously? Every single time," Louis sighed to himself picking up the bags that fell out and putting them back into the bin. It didn't help that Louis forgot to put the trash out last week, so the contents spewed out with difficulty to push them all back in.

Since there were so many bags, he had trouble shoving them back into the bin. He also didn't bring the bin back upright making it harder for him. "Hey, need some help?" a voice he's never heard asked from behind him. He ignored the voice and kept trying to shove the bags back in. As he went to grab a bag, he felt a hand on his shoulder and Louis immediately tensed, retracting his hand to his chest. His whole body turned into stone. He could hear his heart beat in his ears and feel his pulse in his toes. Tears started to prickle in his eyes and the hand was removed from his shoulder when it was sensed that Louis was uncomfortable. The person walked around Louis to face him. "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Tears slowly streamed down Louis' face.

Louis moved his eyes and they met with the person who was only trying to help, looking at him for a couple seconds. Worried emerald eyes caused Louis' body to soften the slightest bit. He recognized him from earlier as one of the two men moving boxes across the street. He wore a black tank top, jean shorts, some converse, and his hair was half in a bun and half down. Louis brought his hand up to his face to wipe away his tears and went to finish putting the bags in the bin, ignoring anything his new neighbor has previously said. "Here, let me help," the boy offered grabbing the bag from Louis' hand being careful not to touch him. 

Louis watched the boy pick up the rest of the bags and bring the bin to the curb. The boy came back to Louis dusting his hands off before introducing himself. "Hi, I'm Harry. Harry Styles. I uh- I'm moving in across the street. I saw you struggling so I thought I'd give you a hand. And um- I'm sorry if I scared you or anything."

Louis stood across the boy, who he learned goes by the name Harry, watching him ramble on. He couldn't help but feel a little guilty that Harry thought he did something wrong. And there was something about those eyes that warmed him inside and put him at ease. "Um, n-no you're fine. You didn't do anything, it's just me. I'm Louis by the way. Louis Tomlinson," Louis would never even think to engage with a stranger but, again, there was something in those green eyes that soothed him. He stuck his hand out for Harry to shake and Harry was hesitant at first but figured since Louis offered it would be okay. He shook his hand and smiled.

"Pleasure to meet you Louis Tomlinson." Harry scanned Louis' face and took all of his features in: his rounded button nose and his thin lips, the way the setting sun accentuated the freckles spreading across the tops of his nose and cheeks, how his eyes squinted from the sun and the way his eyebrows raised because of it, and are his eyelashes really that long?

"The pleasure's mine," Louis smiled. Yes, okay, maybe Louis found him attractive and maybe he was getting giddy inside and maybe his stomach fluttered when they shook hands, but the chances of Harry being gay was slim to none, so he quickly tried to forget just how beautiful the boy looked. But that didn't stop him from admiring Harry's beautiful curly hair and his shining green eyes and the sparkle his mouth seemed to do when he smiled like in cheesy cartoons and the dimple that would pop out when he smiled or as he talked.

"Big family? I only assumed because you've got loads of bin bags." Harry tried to converse with his neighbor.

Louis' face turned red in embarrassment. "Uh, um, no. I just, uh, I uh, forgot to put it out last week."

"Mm, shit happens I guess." Louis cringed at the curse word escaping Harry's lips. "So no big family?" He tried to keep the conversation going despite sensing Louis not wanting to engage, and hoped he wasn't pushing too far.

Louis shook his head. "Just me and my parents."

"My parents and I," Harry argued.

"My parents and me," Louis corrected.

A smirk appeared on Harry's face. "Oo smarty pants. I like it." Louis' face flushed red and he didn't respond to the somewhat compliment? He stayed quiet and trained his eyes to the ground. Was it obvious that he didn't get into conversations often? Probably, but he hoped Harry wouldn't notice.

"Harry," a deep voice called from across the street. Louis snapped his head up and saw Harry looking behind his shoulder to look at his dad who continued to move boxes, but trained his eyes on his son.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," Harry chuckled. "If you don't mind, I need to get back to helping my dad unpack before he comes over here and embarrasses me," Harry laughed again, walking backwards across the street.

"Have fun." Louis waved when he should've said 'be careful' since he was walking backwards across the street without even glancing around for cars. But he didn't, and walked back to his door, watching Harry start to help his dad with taking boxes out the truck and into the house.

Louis walked into the kitchen and saw his mum setting up the table for dinner. "What took so long, bub?" his mum asked.

"I had a trash bin accident and I met the new neighbors, the son at least. He's really nice, helped me pick up the mess," Louis said grabbing plates from the cabinet and placing them on the table.

"That's lovely, maybe you'll have friends this school year." Laura placed the dishes she made on the center of the table.

"Mum, he seems too cool for me." Louis placed a fork and knife on either side of each of the three plates.

"Hey honey," his dad walked into the kitchen and placed a kiss on his wife's forehead. She smiled in return. "Hey sport, how was today?" Louis cringed at his dad calling him sport, he hated it.

"Fine," was all Louis said. He sat in his seat and waited for his parents to join him before he started to plate his food. Louis was never really a food person so by filling up the plate, he fills barely half of it. Usually parents would worry about their kid barely eating but Louis was a small kid, and he's been like this since he was eleven years old. Never really had much of an appetite since then. The table was pretty empty since it was only Louis, his mum, and his dad, Charles. They ate and talked— well Louis' parents tried to engage in conversation with him, but he kept his answers short letting them know he didn't want to talk.

Once they finished dinner, Laura washed the dishes and Louis silently put the leftovers in the fridge and walked up to his room. Gently closing the door, he turned his light on and walked over to the desk that had a few tanks on them. One of them containing a hedgehog (Shadow), another with a chinchilla (Onyx), and the last a rabbit (Midnight). It's a pretty weird combination, but Louis loved them all dearly.

He opened the door to the rabbit's cage and took her out for her daily cuddles/free time. Louis grabbed her and sat on the floor holding her in his arms, petting her gently. It was dead silent until he heard his dad's muffled speaking downstairs. "He still won't talk to me. It's been seven goddamn years. How long is it going to take when he's able to keep eye contact with me?"

"You have to understand that this is hard for him. He's trying the best he can. He can't just pretend like nothing happened. He's scared, Charles, he's scared out of his mind but you're only focusing on yourself. That's your son." he heard his mom argue back.

"Yeah, he's my son. He's my  _son_. He should be able to talk to me and trust me. Or even just look at me. It's hard for me too, Laura. To see him be fine with you, talk with you, but give me the cold shoulder."

"He's not giving you the cold shoulder, love. He's just traumatized and he's learning how to trust again. Please be patient with him. He loves you, you know that." That was the last of the conversation Louis was able to hear or cared to eavesdrop on. He only had Midnight out for ten minutes before putting her back into her cage, not really in the mood to be awake right now, or alive for that matter. He usually allows her to be out for an hour or two but overhearing that conversation, he wasn't in the mood anymore.

He crawled into his bed and got under the covers, rolling his body into a ball and turned his lamp off. It was almost eight and his room was still pretty lit from the setting sun outside. Since it was summer it got dark at around nine in the evening. He stared into the nothingness of his ceiling with hot tears streaming down his face. He couldn't believe that his dad was blaming Louis for all of this. Or that he didn't understand or care how traumatized he was. That it's effected him so much that it's been seven years and Louis still can't trust men. "It's all your fault, Charles," Louis said to himself before drifting off to sleep.


	2. you're the one who bumped into me

mood: mean by taylor swift

 

 

** Monday, August 13th, 5:30 am **

The sound of a blaring alarm clock ricocheted off the walls of Louis' bedroom and vibrated into his ears. He immediately shot up from the sudden noise and was met with darkness and the faintest stream of sunlight peeking through his curtains that hit the floor just a few feet away (or whatever was considered sunlight at five in the damn morning). Louis grunted, not wanting to get out of bed and face high school. It was his senior year and he already knew it was going to be hell.

He hated school. He liked learning and stuff like that but hated everything else about it. Ever since middle school the 'cool kids' would constantly tease and bully him. He hated it. He hated the school teams, clubs, organizations, band, everything. Though he never cared for them, there was a pang inside him that wished he could be them, belong to something. But he didn't. He didn't belong in a school of hatred and discriminatory people. Or a place where people focus solely on their reputation than the care for others and quite honestly he found it sickening. Sickening that people would rather be popular than make people feel wanted. High school doesn't last forever but shitty personalities do.

Louis stepped out of bed and winced from the sudden pain shooting through his body. "Shoot," he mumbled to himself when looking down. He looked to his bed sheets and cursed again, removing the sheets and putting them in the hamper to wash. From his closet, he grabbed a new pair and stretched them over his bed. Louis went to the bathroom he had in his room to clean himself up for school, taking a quick shower and putting on a plain white t-shirt, loose skinny jeans, and a black hoodie. (He never really liked clothes that were too tight).

He grabbed his hamper from his closet and headed down to the basement to start his laundry. His mum greeted him from the kitchen. "Why are you doing your laundry again? Didn't you just do it last week?" she asked poking her head out of the doorway to see Louis opening the basement door.

"Yeah, well, I uh- I don't like having dirty clothes," he stumbled with his words and hurried down to the basement to start the wash. When he got into high school he started doing his own laundry for his own personal reasons. He didn't want his mum folding his underwear anymore or seeing things he didn't want her to see. When loading the washing machine, he took a glimpse at his bed sheets and winced again. It wasn't something he was proud of nor was it something he liked to see, so he sprayed the stained spots with extra cleaner before putting it in the machine. He started the wash and went back upstairs.

"Breakfast honey?" his mum asked when he entered the kitchen.

Louis walked towards the fridge and looked at his mum then to his dad who were sitting at the table eating the breakfast his mum made. He grabbed a water bottle and slung his backpack on his shoulder. "Not hungry." He looked at his dad. "Gotta go to school," Louis said walking out of the house.

"He can't even eat at the table with me Laura! This is getting to be ridiculous," Charles exclaimed throwing the newspaper on the table.

"When has he ever eaten breakfast with us in the past few years? It's nothing personal Charles." Laura scooped some of the food onto her fork. "Give him time, he's healing. Slowly, but he's healing," Laura said reaching to hold her husband's hand on the table.   
  


It was a ten-minute walk to school from Louis' house. He personally loved the walk to school, because it was calming and put him at peace before facing literal hell. But today his mood wasn't the best because he didn't think he would make it out alive throughout the day. The whole walk consisted of him playing every single possible scenario of how his first day would go and try to come up with solutions of survival. Once he stood in front of the building, he contemplated whether or not he should skip the first day, first week, first semester, or his entire senior year. Yes, it may sound dramatic, but no one understood just how intense it was for him. How hard it was to be Louis Tomlinson.

He let out a big, but quiet, sigh and walked through the doors of the school. People were scrambling all throughout the halls; girls dressed to impress, guys chasing after the girls, freshman mostly keeping to themselves and all of them wearing way too much body spray. Louis cringed a little looking around the entrance halls. So many memories flashed through his mind of his previous years, mostly bad ones. Actually, all bad memories. The only good thing that would come out of his entire high school career was the fact that he was graduating this year. He didn't hate school, but this one he did for sure. Louis kept his head down and walked as close to the wall as he could trying to avoid any and every human contact as possible.

He was succeeding, almost made it to his locker, until his whole body was shoved into the wall knocking the breath out his lungs. He squeezed his eyes shut and scrunched his body up, trying his best to be compact while standing. "Watch where you're going, yeah?" All of his muscles were tensed and he didn't dare move.

He slowly turned back to the direction he was walking in, eyes still closed and directed to the ground. He tried to move his legs as fast as he could, but they moved slowly. A group of boys stepped in front of Louis blocking him from leaving and he squeezed his eyes even tighter. "Y-You're the one wh-who bumped into me," Louis said so quietly it was barely audible.

"What was that?" the guy who bumped into Louis said walking around to face him. When Louis didn't respond he asked, "What did you just say? Speak up, fag."

Louis winced from his choice of words but managed to slowly open his eyes the tiniest bit, only able to see his shoes, eyebrows still furrowed. "I- I uh-" Louis struggled with his words.

"Spit it out, we don't have all day, classes to attend," one of the two boys blocking his way said tapping his bare wrist where a watch would lay.

"Jesus Zayn, leave the poor boy alone. We're fucking seniors, start acting like one," a girl said appearing from the crowd. "C'mon Louis, I'll help you to your locker." She pushed passed the group of boys and grabbed Louis' arm to lead him out. At the sudden touch, Louis' body impossibly tensed more. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you, let's get you out of here," She looked to the group of boys, "away from these pricks."

Louis let her guide him away, not moving his eyes from the ground. "Way to be a buzzkill Mo; take the fun out of everything," Zayn scoffed as the two walked away. In the distance, Louis could hear the boys talking about him. "Ugh, yuck. Now I have to shower to wash the gay off me, might as well burn my clothes while I'm at it." Zayn said wiping his hand on the sleeve of his jacket, as if he were wiping something off, with a disgusted look on his face. Laughs were ringing in Louis' ears, tears threatening to leave his eyes.

"Ignore him," Monet tried comforting him. She wrapped her arm around Louis' shoulders. "School hasn't even started and they're already doing this shit." Louis flinched at her choice of words; he never liked curse words. But he flinched so small she hadn't noticed. "I'm Monet by the way," she said smiling at Louis.

"I-I um, I know who you are," Louis said very softly she barely heard him. It felt weird to Louis that she introduced herself to him when she's one of the most popular kids in school, and on top of that co-captain of the cheer squad. The whole school knew who she was, even the incoming freshman. He felt like  _he_ needed to introduce himself, but didn't because she surprisingly already knows his name, which shocked Louis. He never thought anyone would know his name, especially the most popular girl in school. Then again, she was friends with Zayn, so it would make sense that she knew his name.

Louis was oblivious to how popular he was. Though, not being popular in the usual sense that people wished they were, but popular in a joke way. He was the school's main joke, the main punchline (or punching bag). People knew him as the loser, or the weird kid, or the faggot. Louis hated all of those names, all of them. He wasn't any of those things, he was Louis, but everyone was too arrogant to see that. To see that he was more than just gay, or interested in things that most people aren't or that he was just different than everyone else and that wasn't a bad thing. Or that he had a personality and interests like they all do.

Louis stopped in front of his locker and stood awkwardly not knowing what to do next. "Um, th-thank you for that. Back there, you uh, you didn't have to, thanks." He diverted his eyes to the ground and started to fidget with his hands, pulling his sleeves over them.

"It's no problem, really. Zayn and his friends can be intense sometimes," she said. ' _Sometimes,'_ Louis mumbled to himself, inaudible for anyone to hear. "Besides, you deserve a break for fuck's sake. Ever since middle school? It's a lot. Especially since you guys used to be friends." Louis cringed at the memory. They used to be best friends, practically inseparable. "Well, I'll see you around, stay safe. You can always come to me of you ever need any help. Bye Louis." She walked away leaving Louis at his locker.

 

** 12:30 pm **

The school day went by slowly and dreadfully. Nothing too climactic happened to Louis since the morning, just a few names and pokes. When he walked in the halls, he would be as close to the wall as possible to avoid bumping into anyone and scurried on his way. He tried to spend as little time in the halls as he could, wasting no time, and getting to his classes early as he can. Though he hated being in anyone's line of vision, he sat towards the front of the class because he hated to be far from the teacher. His vision also wasn't the greatest, so there's that.

Since it was the first day of school they got out early. People were crowding the parking lots making plans for back-to-school lunches and hangouts, hookups, and what not with their new and old friends. And Louis, well, he didn't have any friends to make these plans with, so he wanted to avoid anyone and everyone by waiting in the bathroom until he felt like mostly everyone was gone. After being in the bathroom for maybe ten-fifteen minutes, he walked out the building and headed home.

To his surprise, there were still quite a lot of people still lingering around in the halls and car park. Nonetheless, Louis kept to himself and hurried on his way home, keeping his head down and occasionally popping it up to look for cars and to make sure he wasn't going to bump into someone. No one went out of their way to make Louis' day even more miserable than it already was like Zayn this morning. He was crossing the lot and looked up from the ground to look for moving vehicles. No cars were passing so he crossed, keeping his head up.

As he was crossing, he noticed a familiar face leaning against a car's boot talking to a group of people with a bright, dimpled smile plastered on their face. "Of course. Why did I expect otherwise?" Louis mumbled to himself. He watched Harry interact with Zayn and his friends, including Monet and some of her friends, the girls flirting with him, of course. He was the new guy to school, plus he was very attractive, so why wouldn't girls flirt with him? Even if he wasn't new, nothing would've changed. Girls would still be attracted to him and flirt, it's human nature. Maybe except that he probably would have been one of Louis' bullies if he was here since the beginning. And why was Louis jealous?

Harry caught Louis looking before he was able to look away. He waved at him with a bright smile on his face. Louis gave the slightest, barely even there, side smile looking away immediately, shrinking into himself. He picked up his pace to get away from school as soon as he could. Harry's smile faltered and he furrowed his eyebrows when Louis didn't return the action. He watched Louis scurry away into the direction of their houses, but shook it off and continued to converse with his new friends.


	3. you're always in a rush, i can't keep up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapters in the beginning are quite short but they are going to get longer as the book goes on and as their interaction grows

mood: car radio- twenty one pilots  


 

** Wednesday, August 29th, 4:30 am **

The first few weeks of school went by slowly but surely. Luckily nothing worse happened since the first day of school for Louis, maybe a few shoves here and there, and maybe a couple hits were made but nothing as bad as the warm welcoming he received. Monet hasn't spoken to Louis since that day, not that he expected her to. Though, she would stand up when they would start to rough house with him.

Louis woke up early in the morning to finish the homework he fell asleep on the night before. He hates not doing his homework, but he was exhausted. The day was so long and he never had much energy for anything. Though he didn't mind doing homework, it just took so much energy out of him because it took everything in him to spend hours doing it. He was tired but rolled out the bed to finish it up. He winced with every step he took from his bed to his desk (the first steps were always the hardest in the morning). Slow, dragging steps were made as he walked to his desk, stopping to feed his animals before sitting in his chair. His desk lamp came to life by a click of switch and he began finishing up his homework.

 

** 6:00 am **

Louis finally completed his work and collapsed his head on the surface of his desk, he was just so exhausted. He couldn't focus on his homework at all; his mind kept wondering to other things, things that he couldn't shake. No matter what he did, his mind always went there. Those horrid thoughts would play in his mind like a movie that he didn't know how to turn off. Not only would he think about the events but he could see them and that was the worse part. Seeing and reliving his past was detrimental in every possible way and he felt hopeless. Hopeless and broken. With his head resting on top of his arms, Louis sobbed.

There was a light knock on the door causing Louis to snap up from the desk. "Louis, honey. Are you awake?" his mum's voice could be heard through the door.

He started to panic. Even though she couldn't see him he didn't want her to know, she couldn't know. "Um, uh yeah. Give me one second," he said shakily, frantically searching for pants and a sweater to put on.

"No need to rush sweetheart, take your time. Breakfast will be waiting for you downstairs." Louis could hear his mum going down the stairs, footsteps getting softer and softer. He sighed heavily and threw himself on his bed. His eyes kept fluttering closed, but he tried his best to keep them open, but he was so exhausted.

Louis walked downstairs with his backpack slung over his shoulder, walking into the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the fridge and headed out. "I'm going to school, bye mum," Louis said awkwardly walking towards the door.

"You're not gonna eat?" his mum asked from the table. Louis shook his head and proceeded to the door. "Here, at least take this with you." Laura walked towards him with an apple in her hand. Louis stared at the apple not wanting to take it but did anyway. He gave her a faint smile and walked out the door closing it quietly behind him. He tucked the apple into his backpack and went on his way.

As he made his way down the driveway, he spotted Harry getting out his house and unlocking his car. The past few weeks Harry would either drive or be picked up from his house by friends. And the few times he saw Zayn picking him up, Louis would stay in his house until they left. He was sure Zayn told him how Louis lives across the street alongside numerous of bad things. It wasn't a surprise or any shock but there might've been a slight pinch in his heart because he hoped Harry would be different than the rest of them.

He looked to the ground and flipped his hood up, pulling on the strings to cover his face. Louis quicken his pace to avoid any unwanted interaction with Harry. "Hey, Louis," Harry said loudly but Louis pretended as if he didn't hear and kept on his way. "Louis? Hey, Louis." Harry jogged across the street to meet Louis on the other side. "Slow down cowboy, you'll make it in time." Harry put his hand on Louis' shoulder to get him to stop. He stopped, but tensed immediately at the touch and squeezed his eyes shut. "Are, are you okay?" Harry removed his hand and Louis immediately relaxed but was still on guard.

Louis slowly opened his eyes but kept his neck tucked into his shoulders. "Um, uh yea, I was just, I was just going to school." His cold, pale finger fragilely pointed in the direction he was walking, eyes darting all over the place trying to avoid eye contact.

"You want a ride? There's plenty room," Harry said motioning over to his car. "It'll be much quicker."

Louis' breathing sped up. The thoughts came back, those haunting thoughts. He never ever got into cars with anyone but his mum. Not even his dad, his mum had to be accompanying him or else he wouldn't get in it. Besides that one time when Louis was stranded somewhere he didn't know how he got to. His mum was busy at work and the only available person was his dad. And when he finally got into the car after minutes of calming himself down and reassuring himself that everything would be fine, he got in the backseat on the passenger side to stay as far away as possible. He tried his best to suppress them and stay calm. "I-I, I um, I don't think that's a good idea. I can- I can uh, walk. Thank you anyway." Louis mumbled, having trouble putting the words together and walked away from where Harry was.

"Oh, okay then. Hey, wait up. Wait for me," Harry said jogging to meet up with Louis. "Do you walk to school every day?" Louis nodded ever so slightly keeping his eyes on the ground. "Even in the winter?" Louis nodded again. "Jesus, you're fucking insane." Louis cringed at his choice of words. They walked in silence for a few seconds but of course Harry being Harry, he spoke up again. "You don't talk much do you?" Louis shrugged. He looked away from Louis and stared straight ahead. The rest of the walk was silent, Louis not acknowledging that Harry was there, trying to clear his mind.

When they got closer to the school, Louis looked up from the ground, just enough to see a couple feet in front of him. "Um, I uh, I think you should, uh we should go our separate ways n-now. I-I'll see you around or something," he looked back down and walked away.

"Wait, why? I can walk you to your locker or something. Isn't that what friends do?" he jogged to catch up to Louis.

Louis stopped in his tracks and forced himself to look up to Harry. "We're not friends."

Harry's face slowly dropped from his usual smile when seeing Louis' face. His cheekbones were sunken in, under eyes were dark and puffy, his eyes red and glossy. "But w-we can be?" he hesitated. He went to reach for Louis' shoulder for comfort but stopped himself.

"You don't want that, trust me." Louis walked up the steps and through the building with his head hanging down. Harry didn't chase after him but stayed in place, thinking about the small boy. He didn't know him all that much, not at all really, but he felt the need to comfort him. The feeling of having to take care of him and protect him was so strong and he didn't know what to do or think of it.

But his body, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do. Without even thinking, he ran into the building looking for Louis but deemed it impossible because of how big the school was and how many people crowded the halls. Searching for a few minutes in the halls, cafeteria, and a few bathrooms he gave up and walked to his locker to get some books. As he pushed his was through bodies, his eyes immediately lit up when he looked to his locker. "Hey locker neighbor," he smiled.

Louis stilled and looked up from his book. "Hi." He closed the book and stuffed it in his backpack.

"Hey, hey, slow down. You're always in a rush Jesus, I can't keep up."

"Then don't." Louis snapped and shut his locker to walk away.

Harry stepped around him to stand in front of Louis, stopping him from leaving. Worry filled him and was displayed by the look that spread across his face. "A-are you okay? Is everything okay?"

Louis looked at him, looked away, then back at Harry. "Just dandy, everything's perfect. I'm fine." He tried to walk away again, going around Harry.

Harry took a step to the side, blocking him and Louis sighed in frustration. "You don't look fine, are you sick? Are you having allergies? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"We're not friends, you don't have to pretend to worry." Louis' heartrate sped up from too much interaction with a stranger. His eyes started to water, just glazing over, and his hands began to shake. He doesn't try to walk away this time because his body was too busy being tense.

"I'm not pretending to worry, I'm just- I'm trying." Harry's mood seemed to lower and Louis may have felt a little guilty about.

"This isn't twenty questions, I'm not a game," Louis whispered softly. He always hated when people who didn't know him would ask way too many questions about himself. Like the time he went to therapy and all the therapist did was ask questions. Yeah, that's their job but how are questions supposed to help anything? How are those questions supposed to stop the thoughts that flash through his mind.

"What? I know that. I'm just trying to make conversation. That's how a friendship works." Harry was confused as to why Louis was being so stubborn and difficult about a harmless conversation. He didn't understand why he couldn't answer his question. It was nothing personal, he just wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help Louis.

"Okay, yeah, I'm sick. Can I go now?" Well, he's not lying. Although Louis was getting frustrated, he kept  calm and spoke softly.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows and frowned. "Do you need help with any-"

"Harry, my man. What's cracking?" Zayn greeted Harry not noticing Louis as he walked up from behind him. Harry watched Louis' body tense from the sound of Zayn's voice and made a mental note to try to ask him about it. Once he stood next to Harry, Zayn finally noticed Louis. "Wh-what are you doing talking to the loser fag? Let's go." He chuckled with a disgusted look on his face. Louis' eyes squeezed shut from the name and maybe a tear streamed down his cheek. But no one saw, so did it really happen? Harry didn't say anything to him but looked at him with a confused and sad expression on his face, as he was being dragged away.

A million words. A million words flashed through Harry's mind. So many things he wanted to say to both Louis and Zayn. He wanted to tell Louis that he wasn't either of those things and defend that he was beautiful, because Harry genuinely thought he was. He wanted to tell Louis that if he was gay it's okay because love is love, and love should be celebrated. Harry wanted Louis to know he wasn't a loser. He was nothing Zayn or anyone thought of him and that's coming from someone who's barely met him. And for Zayn, oh boy did he have a mouthful for him. So many curse words and rage went off in his head, cursing him out and telling him to stop. He wanted to tell him that bullying wasn't funny and how it could leave damaging affects. Louis deserves to be treated so much better than that. So many things he wanted to say, but nothing came out. The sudden shock and confusion overtook him and he couldn't get the words out.

"Exactly what I said, you don't want to be friends," Louis murmured to himself and made his way to his first period wiping the tear away.


	4. through all the tears his eyes sparkled

mood: knives and pens- black veil brides

 

 

** Saturday, September 1st, 3:15 pm **

Louis sat crossed legged in the middle of his floor with his laptop in front of him watching a movie. Midnight was in his lap getting a little riled up and squirmed, wanting to run around his room. Louis chuckled and said, "Jeez, all you have to do is ask," and set her on the floor. Immediately after being set free, she started bolting around the room. Louis laid down on his stomach watching her run then stop, run then stop, run then stop with a big smile on his face.

He geared his attention back to the movie occasionally checking up on his rabbit to make sure she was okay. He heard the doorbell ring from downstairs and his body stiffened the slightest bit but relaxed almost immediately. Ever since he was a kid, he didn't like the sound of doorbells, car engines, car doors opening and closing, or basically any noise signaling that people are over. And because Louis doesn't like any of those things, they rarely ever have people over, not that it's a problem. The voices of people talking downstairs could be heard through the floors but he paid no attention to it and focused on his movie.

Laura opened the door and was met with a smiley family of four holding tupperware full of cookies. "Hi," she said cheerfully.

"Hi," the stranger greeted. "We moved in across the street about a month or so ago but we were busy moving in and getting situated that we didn't have time to introduce ourselves to our new neighbors. I'm Millie and this is my husband George. These are my children who I'm sure have the manners to introduce themselves." She smiled wide along but George's smile was barely there.

"Gemma," said the younger girl with straight bleached blonde hair and darker roots.

"Harry," the green-eyed curly haired boy said with a smile so wide his dimples popped out.

"We didn't want to be too cliché, but Harry being the housewife he is wanted to make you cookies," Gemma said handing Laura the container filled with cookies.

"They're chocolate chip," Harry chimed in.

"So if they're bad, I apologize on my brother's behalf." Gemma laughed while Harry looked at her offended and lightly slapping her arm.

"Oh, thank you, how lovely." Laura chuckled before saying, "I'm sure they'll be great," which made Harry smile. "If I would have known you guys were coming by, I would've made something too. I should've welcomed you when you first moved in. Oh gosh, I apologize." She gave her forehead a soft slap. "Where are my manners? I'm Laura, Laura Tomlinson. And um, my husband, he's at work right now but he's called Charles. And we have a son, Louis," Laura rambled.

"Is he here? Louis? Is he here? If you don't mind, I'd like to say hi. I've seen him around school a few times, talked to him even, but he doesn't seem too fond of me," Harry chuckled.

"Oh no sweetheart, he's just very shy. I'm sure he has nothing against you. Give me one second." Harry smiled and Laura walked to the stairs to call Louis down. "Louis, can you come down please? People are here to see you." She walked back to the door and said, "He'll be down in a minute. So where are you guys from?"

Louis heard his mum call him from downstairs and sighed. "People here to see me? This has to be a joke." Nonetheless, he paused his movie and chased Midnight around before finally catching her and putting back in her cage so nothing could happen to her while he was away. He heard his mum call his name again as he opened his door. Going down the stairs, he said, "I'm coming ma, I'm coming. Who's h-" He stopped at the end of the stairs looking towards the door. His whole demeanor changed instantaneously when seeing the family that lived across the street from him. Especially when his eyes landed on Harry's; it was the first thing he noticed and he found it hard to move his feet.

"Hi Louis, nice to see you." Harry smiled.

"Louis, this is the Styles family, they moved in across the street about a month ago, which I'm sure you're aware of. Come say hi to your friend," Laura said motioning for him to go to the door.

Louis slowly started walking towards the door, diverting his eyes to their knees to avoid eye contact and softly spoke, "He's not my friend ma." He got to the door and cautiously brought his eyes up to meet the family's. "H-hi, I'm uh, I'm Louis."

Harry ignored what Louis said, not affected since he's told him that the few times they've spoken. "Yeah, me and Louis met on the first day we got here. Right Louis?" Louis looked at Harry. His eyes were shimmering green and were so damn enticing. Louis nodded slightly, his eyes trapped in Harry's which made Harry smile.

"That's right, I remember. You helped him pick up the bin bags." Laura laughed lightly. Louis looked away from Harry and squinted his eyes.

"That was me." Louis hated that memory because he found it embarrassing but remembered how comfortable and warm the stranger made him. He shivered from the thought and quickly tried to get rid of it. Harry, on the other hand, loved the memory because who doesn't like the first time they meet someone they know is going to be their best friend? Yeah Louis was timid and shy, but there was something in those eyes that screamed for him.

"Well, we don't want to keep you busy. We better get going. It was a pleasure to meet you Laura, and you too Louis. Hopefully we'll get the chance to meet Charles. Have a lovely rest of your Saturday," Millie said, tapping on her husband and Gemma signaling their departure.

"That'd be lovely. Maybe we can set up a dinner sometime for our families," Laura smiled.

"That sounds lovely, we'll see you around." The family began to walk off.

"Bye Louis, maybe we could hang out sometime?" Louis said nothing in return and just watched the family walk away. Laura closed the front door and went to the kitchen to put the cookies on the counter.

Louis walked up the stairs to his room when his mum stopped him. "Louis, why'd you say that?"

Louis turned around confused because he didn't really say anything to them at all. "What?"

"'He's not my friend.' That wasn't necessary." She walked to the side of the staircase.

"Him asking for me wasn't necessary," Louis sassed her back. He felt kind of bad for it but he was annoyed by the fact that Harry wouldn't leave him alone.

"Louis! Don't say that, he's trying to be your friend." Laura knew her son didn't like to talk to people or put himself out there in any way, but she'd pray that he would and thought Harry could be the golden ticket.

"Well, he's not." Louis shrugged and took another step up the stairs looking down at his mum.

"He wants to be, just try?"

"Mum, he hangs out with Zayn and them. I don't think he genuinely wants to be my friend. It has to be a set up." Louis' eyes softened. It was a sad thought, but it was true. There was no way Harry was friends with Zayn and genuinely wanted to be Louis' friend. Not after everything that happened.

"You'll never know if you don't try Louis, don't ruin a friendship before it even starts. He seems like a really sweet boy. Has he been mean or rude to you?" she asked her son. Louis shook his head. "Then why not try it out? Who knows? Maybe you guys will be good friends."

"I'd rather keep my dignity than risk my life trying for a friendship that would ruin me. Dramatic? Maybe a bit. But I can't get myself emotionally invested in someone whether it be a friendship, relationship, or anything when I know it won't work out in the end. Maybe I am missing out on something special. But I'd rather not know than be destroyed by it. I can't and I won't hurt myself even more." Louis walked up the remainder of the stairs before his mum could say anything, his mood visibly dropping. She was left in shock, her heart breaking a little after hearing how her son viewed things was genuinely heart wrenching.

Louis closed the door and threw himself on his bed. He sighed and stared at the ceiling for a while thinking about everything: Harry, the conversation with his mum, what he said, what  _she_  said, and tried to figure out which route was best. He rolled over onto his stomach and folded his arms to put his head in them. His breathing picked up and his heart started to race as his eyes began to water and his body began to numb. "No one will ever understand," he sobbed almost silently.

 

** 7:56 pm **

Louis sat on his bed for hours, crying, thinking, and more crying. He almost felt bad for repeatedly rejecting Harry's offers to be his friend, but he couldn't find it in himself to believe that it was genuine. Especially for someone as pretty as he found Harry and for someone who hung out with Zayn, it could never happen. Even if he was genuine about it, Zayn would never let it happen. Why would anyone want to be Louis' friend anyway? He's ugly, too skinny, damaged, a loser, and worst of all: gay. Or that's how he thought of himself at least. No one wanted to be friends with someone who breaks down all the time and flinches at everything. No one wanted to be friends with someone who was physically unattractive and had nothing special to put into the friendship. No one wanted to be friends with someone who was gay.

Another part of Louis knew that he could never be friends with Harry because he knew that he couldn't give Louis what he wanted or needed. He wouldn't be able to handle all the mess that was Louis Tomlinson: the breakdowns, the constant crying, the anxiety attacks, the lack of self worth, the self demeaning thoughts, etc. Harry was the only boy, or person for that matter, to show interest in being his friend since middle school. It felt weird and different; Louis felt weird and different and he didn't like it.

From the day he first saw Harry he knew. He knew he liked him. From the moment Harry touched his back he knew. He tensed up as instinct, but couldn't stop the sparks that went off inside him, even if he didn't see his face, which was weird. But he couldn't stop the butterflies from swarming and the fireworks from igniting. It was something he's never felt before and it was uncomfortable. Louis sat up right away from the thought, tears coming down his face. "No, Louis, no. No, no, no. Stop. You can't. Y-you can't. Not again. This can't happen again," he said to himself crossing his legs and running his hands frantically through his hair, hunched over with his elbows on his knees. He viciously rubbed at his scalping creating tangled in his hair and small lesions on his scalp. "Stop it, you don't like him. You don't," he kept repeating over and over.

 

**TRIGGER WARNING: DON'T READ IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO SELF HARM**

 

Louis got up from his bed and opened one of his desk's drawers. He grabbed the baby blue box and locked his bedroom door, tears still streaming down his face. He sat back down on his bed, sniffling, and pulled down his pants and took the lid off the box. Staring down at the contents for a few seconds, he watched how the light reflected off the items and found himself smiling and being entranced by it. But he quickly snapped out of it and grabbed a small, silver piece of metal and held it in his hands sighing loudly. "You don't like him. You can't like him, you can't."

He brought the blade to the pale skin on his thigh and kept it there for a few seconds, taking deep breaths with his eyes closed. Once his breathing settled, he put pressure onto his thigh before sliding it a few inches. Louis winced from the pain, but soon found it soothing. Blood trickled inside the wound before spilling over onto his skin. He silently choked out a sob as he slid the blade just below the first one. He reached into the box to grab a tissue to put on the cut, applying pressure with his left hand and using his right hand to continue incising his thigh. His whole body blenched as tears streamed down his face from the physical and emotional pain he put himself through. A few cuts in he felt his phone vibrate and usually he wouldn't check it but something in him told him to. He grabbed it off his mattress to see what it was because he never gets notifications. He woke the screen, and through all the tears his eyes sparkled and through all the pain he managed to put on a small smile.

 

 _Harry Styles sent you a friend request_.

 

He put his phone back down and grabbed the alcohol from the box to disinfect the blade. Putting the blade into the box along with the other contents he took out, he put the lid back on and put in back in the drawer he got it from. Inside his bathroom, he cleaned the cuts wiping them clean and placing gauze on his thigh before wrapping an ace bandage around it tightly. He walked back into his room, turned the lights off and plopped on his bed, sliding under the covers and getting comfortable. He barely even knew Harry but he's already hating the affect he has on him.


	5. if he was happy once he could be happy again, right?

mood: no one believes me- kid cudi

 

 

** Tuesday, September 4th 6:53 am **

Louis came downstairs earlier than usual, which he never did because he hated talking to his parents and profusely being asked to eat, but he had nothing else to do. All was fine with his parents, sure, but he just didn't like talking to them or anyone really. Though his relationship with his father was evidently rockier than the one with his mum, he still loved his parents- liked them at most. Across the table from where Louis sat was his dad who read his morning newspaper with his glasses hanging down his nose and occasional looks to his son. He dressed in a white button up with thin vertical and horizontal light blue lines tucked into black slacks and paired with black shoes. His mum sat next to her husband holding his hand and talking his ear off wearing an obnoxiously magenta shirt with blue jeans and white sneakers. But Charles barely paid attention, humming along whenever she'd ask him 'right honey', 'isn't that ridiculous', and anything along those lines. And Louis being the sympathetic person he is, he listened to his mum, never commenting, only listening since his dad wouldn't even do that.

As mentioned before, Louis' relationship with dad wasn't the best. When he was younger, Louis used to be so close with not only his parents but his entire family. However, his relationship with his dad was the closest until about age eight. His whole life changed on his eighth birthday to where now he hates celebrating it. It was the worst day of his life and ever since then he never wanted to celebrate his birthday ever again for as long as he lived. He used to be such a happy little boy: friendly to everyone, made friends with anyone, always shared, and always cared.  _God_ he was such a wonderful little boy with the sweetest smile, cutest giggle, and warmest hugs. Even after his eighth birthday he tried to remain positive, not only for himself but for those around him. At such a young age he was a people pleaser. He never wanted people to be upset because he was upset, so he tried to suppress all those feelings so everyone can remain happy. But year after year after year it gets exhausting. The fake smiles and forced laughs soon become hard to achieve when all you want to do is hide away and cry until you can't anymore.

The worse part of it all was how he couldn't even go to anyone about his troubles, not even his parents. The few times he went to his mum, he was too afraid to talk to his dad about it, she didn't want to believe him all the while believing him, because after all that was her son. What if he misinterpreted what actually happened since he was so young but at the same time, how do you misinterpret what happened to Louis? Especially after the numerous of times he'd come crying to her saying they're hurting him and he wants it to stop. She'd cry, sure, but it was always that 'what if' for her. Does that make her a bad mother? For not taking immediate action when her little boy would ball his eyes out almost everyday at such a young age? For never really doing anything about the situation?

And for Charles, well, Louis only confided in him once at age eleven since his mum didn't seem to care all that much. She cared, so so much, but she wasn't there when anything happened so how could she know for sure? But when Louis told his dad there was something different about his demeanor compared to his mum's. There was something in his eyes, even with Louis being as young as he was, he saw the hurt, guilt, and anger smashing against the brick wall that he fronted. It was as if with every second that passed, Louis could see more and more cracking in the wall, that maybe he understood and believed him, but his dad was quick to reject him and storm off. That night was when Louis knew he was alone, that no one would ever believe him and no one cared about him anymore.

Ever since that night with his dad, Louis slowly isolated himself from not only his family but the world by locking himself in his room all day and only leaving to go to school. He distanced himself from his friends, none of which cared all that much. No one really asked why he was sad all the time or why he didn't talk anymore or why he didn't sit with them at lunch or in classes. They just let him be, moving on with their lives and letting Louis do whatever it is he was doing. However, the only person who asked those questions and cared that he wasn't sitting with them at lunch and why he wasn't talking anymore was none other than Zayn. Everyday he'd ask what was going on but Louis never got too into it, afraid he wouldn't believe him either because his parents didn't, so why would a eleven year old? Then a few months later things happened between Louis and Zayn and their friendship was no longer, leaving him by his lonesome and cue the everlasting era of his bullying.

With every glance from his father, an uneasy feeling in Louis' stomach would take over and he didn't know how long he'd last until he threw up. "I'm going to head out for school." Louis got out of the chair he was sitting in and walked his plate full of food to the kitchen.

"You've barely touched your food, love." Laura turned in her seat to see Louis walking to the fridge to get a water bottle.

"'m not hungry ma." He walked over to the table, grabbing his backpack and headed to the door.

"You're never hungry," Charles mumbled behind his newspaper making Louis stop in the doorway.

"Charles, stop," Laura said sternly.

"What? Do we just pretend like nothing's wrong with our son?" Louis flinched from his dad's harsh tone. Would it be wrong of him to feel like his dad still had resentment towards Louis for when he was eleven? Resentment that maybe it was his fault everything happened to him?

"Nothing's wrong with him." Louis' lips pursed as his eyes watered because his parents were talking about him right in front of him.

"No? He doesn't eat, he doesn't talk, he doesn't leave his room. That's normal to you?" Tears stream down his face as he slammed the door behind him.

"Charles, why'd you have to do that?" Laura huffed sitting back in her chair, crossing her arms.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only who cares about him." He set the paper down and took his glasses off.

"Is that so?" Laura sassed raising her eyebrow. "You just made him cry."

"He has to know that we know what he's going through, Laura. How long until we stop beating around the bush and pretending everything's okay with our son? Until he's dead?"

"Don't say that, why would you say that? He's healing for Christ's sake."

"Sure, but it's been six years. Six years and there was been little to no growth because  _you're_ sugar coating everything and what's that going to do? We need to be honest with him and let him know we care."

"He knows we care, he just needs time. It takes time to heal."

"Laura, I love you but you are being so naive and oblivious right now. He doesn't know  _we_  care. He knows  _you_  care, but he can't even stand to look me in the eyes. Do you know how much that hurts me? To see my own son not trust me? No, you don't because  _you_  took all the credit for everything  _I_  did for Louis." Charles took a few deep breaths trying to calm himself down. "This isn't about credit, but I miss my son. Do you know how hard it is for me to see him ignore me and be perfectly fine with you? To see him put all the blame on me?" But Laura said nothing and grabbed her plate, placing it in the sink, and walking up the stairs.

I mean it was true, wasn't it? Louis blames his dad for everything and whenever he'd feel comfortable, he'd talk to his mum. And Laura  _did_  take credit for all that Charles did for Louis. In fact, he was the only one of the two to go and find out for himself what happened and conduct his own 'investigation'. But Laura said he only did so because it hit close to home or there was a bias. Which, obviously could have been in his subconscious, but he wanted justice for his son. Any parent would want justice for their child, to have their monsters suffer the consequences of their terrible actions. And it was quite ridiculous how Laura barely even tried to find out for herself. She listened to what Louis said but never did anything about it because  _what if?_  Even now, it baffled Charles how Laura barely seemed to care. Not saying she didn't, she just thought going to the police with no evidence but word of mouth wasn't enough. But still, Louis blames his dad and loves his mum and everything his dad does is so vile to him.

Louis wiped a few tears from his eyes as he headed down his driveway, making his way to school. Why couldn't he just have one normal, almost okay day? It was like the world just didn't want him to happy. There was always something happening that just made him want to not even wake up in the morning anymore. As he walked, moping and sniffling his way to school, he thought about how today started out terrible and how it was only going to get worse from here. But then there was that sweet voice he's heard a couple of times. The voice made from sugar and honey that he hated how it affected him. "You know, we could get to school a lot faster if I drove us in my car," he heard the voice of honey say from behind him. No matter how much he enjoyed the melodic way words danced off Harry's lips, his body tensed from the sudden noise. He stopped in his tracks and turned to face the direction the voice came from and was met with a pair of green sparkling eyes and a dimpled smile. "Hi."

Harry didn't seem to notice Louis' wet lashes or reddened eyes so the quiet stare continued until Louis turned around, resuming his walk with Harry trailing along. "How has your morning been?" No response again. "It was fine, how was yours?" Harry said in a higher pitched voice not realizing that it may or may not have offended Louis. And since Louis wasn't going to respond Harry decided he'd answer for him. "Hm, interesting my morning was fine too, nothing eventful though. Just had some breakfast and packed a lunch." Louis couldn't help the small smile from creeping onto his face. "What'd you have for breakfast?" He asked in Louis' voice. "Oh just some oatmeal and strawberries, what about you? I had nothing, probably just water because I hate everything and everyone. Especially Harry, he's really annoying with his luscious curly locks and his stupid green eyes and adorable dimples and the most charming smile." A giggle escaped Louis' mouth as he barely shook his head at Harry's conversation with himself. I mean, it's true; Louis did pretty much everything and everyone. And the things Harry said about himself were also true, but you'd never get Louis to say those words out loud. "Did the forever frowning, eyebrow furrowing, keeps his head down, but still oh so beautiful Louis Tomlinson just laugh?" And why did Louis have to giggle again, adding more fuel to the fire. "To whom do I owe the honor?" Harry curtsied with a huge grin on his face. Louis shook his head, keeping his eyes on the ground.

As their walked continued, so did Harry's conversation with himself. He talked about the weekend and more of Louis doing nothing and hating everything which for some reason Louis found funny. Not that it would be offensive, but he doesn't remember the last time he actually laughed. They got to the base of the stairs at one of the side entrances and Harry stopped Louis before he walked inside by placing his hand on his shoulder. Louis, of course, flinched and his body tensed. "Shit, I'm sorry." Harry immediately retracted his hand and Louis relaxed but still flinched from the swear word. "I'll see you around, yeah?" But Louis didn't respond and walked inside the building with his head hanging to the floor.

Harry watched him in curiosity through the glass but soon shook it off and walked to the courtyard to meet up with Zayn. On a table in the distance Harry could see his friends sitting and laughing. He approached them with a smile on his face. "Hey guys."

"What took so long Styles? There's only a few minutes before class." Zayn asked sitting on the top of the maroon wired table leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"Oh, sorry. Was talking to a friend, got caught up I guess." Harry shrugged and sat next to his bleached blonde friend, giving him a light punch on the arm with a warm smile, which he returned.

"Friends more important than us?  We've only known each other for a month and you're already tired of us?" The blonde boy asked sarcastically sticking his bottom lip out and gave Harry beady eyes.

"Niall, shut up, stop being a puss." Zayn smacked him upside the head giving him a judgmental look.

"Dude what the hell? It was just a joke." Niall threw up his arms and was ready to argue but Harry gripped his bicep giving it a soft squeeze to calm him down.

"Whatever man. So, Harry, I heard you're killer at rugby. You thinking about trying out? We could use some better players." Zayn glared towards Niall.

"Fuck off Z." Niall scoffed and pulled out his phone from his pocket. Harry wrapped his arm around Niall's shoulders, pulling him closer.

Harry chuckled and flushed red from the praise. "Uh yeah, I was thinking about it. I'm not sure yet though."

"Stay after school today. I'll have a couple of other lads stick around and we can see what you're all about," Zayn smirked. "And if by any chance you're shit, we've got a while before tryouts, we can teach you a thing or two."

"Yeah that, or I'll have to teach you guys a few things. Didn't have a good rep last year now did you guys?" Harry teased tracing circles around Niall's shoulder.

"Low blow, Styles, low blow." Zayn shook his head as they both laughed. "We had a shit captain last year, but I've heard we've got a way better one this year."

"Cocky much?" Niall asked not looking away from his phone.

Zayn went to say something but was interrupted by the loud ringing of the school bell. "You got lucky Horan." Those two boys bumped heads quite often. Don't get them wrong, they were practically brothers ever since middle school but their heads collided all the time because Niall was the sweet boy with lots of feelings he enjoyed sharing with everyone and Zayn was the tough jock who had a lot of feelings he subsided.

"Ready babe?" Monet appeared out of what seemed to be from nowhere.

"Yeah, let's go," Harry said standing up and wrapping an arm around Monet's waist, pulling her closer and giving her a kiss on her temple. Niall and Zayn can be heard in the background gagging.

"Grow up?" Monet sassed rolling her eyes at her friend's childishness.

"You guys are seriously dating? After knowing each other for only a little over a month?" Niall asked. Harry and Monet bumped into each other at the market when Harry was looking for fruit. When he turned around to weigh the bag of apples, he bumped into Monet dropping his bag and spilling some type of liquid, that Harry still doesn't know what exactly it was, on Monet's shirt. He frantically apologized telling her he'd buy her a new drink and pay for a new shirt but she didn't mind. She told him to save the money for their first date, which was meant as a joke but when they exchanged numbers and talked day in and day out it became a reality.

"Yeah, well I guess things just happen." Harry looked down to smile at Monet to see her looking up at him smiling. As they walked away, Harry turned around to say, "See you guys at lunch?" Zayn and Niall both nodded and Harry turned around and walked into the school with his girlfriend.

They walked to Harry's locker since it was closer to the main entrance than Monet's. As Harry turned the lock, his girlfriend scanned him over with furrowed brows. "What's bothering you? You're so tense love." She rubbed his arm as he opened his locker.

"Can I ask you a question?" Harry looked down, sliding his fingers down a strand of Monet's dark, long hair.

"Give it to me," she smiled at him.

He stayed quiet for a second, twisting the hairs in his fingers. "It's about Louis."

"I'm not sure if I can give you the answers you want but I can try."

Harry nodded his head and thought of the many unanswered questions he had about the mysterious boy. "He keeps to himself a lot and he never talks. We've talked like two times, but it wasn't much of anything. I tried talking to him this morning and he never responded so I had a conversation with myself." Monet raised her eyebrow with a smirk on her face. "He giggled and it was kind of wonderful, but, again, he never talked. Would you happen to know anything about that?"

Monet smiled at the thought of Louis smiling and laughing because she hasn't heard or seen it in a while. "Um, like I said, I don't really know much but for as long as I could remember Louis always kept to himself. But whenever you'd talk to him he could talk your ear off. He used to always laugh and smile and talk and just have a good time. Then he just suddenly stopped, I mean you could see the social butterfly in him fade away over time, but it all of a sudden stopped. The next thing I knew he stopped sitting with his friends at lunch and stopped talking to everyone. When people would joke with him, he'd give them the cold shoulder and walk away. But that's as much as I know. We were never friends but I've always seen him around. It broke my heart seeing him walk with his head hanging by a thread when he used to hold it high with so much pride."

Harry kept quiet after that, processing everything about Louis that Monet revealed. She didn't really answer his question about him but at the same time she did? Maybe? Not like he expected her to know Louis' life story, but just something, anything for Harry to try to understand his mysterious neighbor. The only thing she mentioned was that he stopped being himself out of nowhere. Which was pretty sad, Harry thought.  _Why didn't any of his friends care or ask? Why wasn't there any remorse for him?_  Anger filled him as he imagined a younger and even smaller Louis who was so alone and scared. But all of those feelings washed away when a vision of said younger Louis being happy and laughing his ass off and making jokes to his friends. So maybe it was going to be okay. Because if he was happy once, he could be happy again. Right?


	6. proud of a boy he barely knew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've prewritten up to thirty chapters but i felt like things in the beginning were happening way too fast so these next few chapters are what i've had to write in order for the small little details to make more sense. i've also had this chapter finished for like a week now but i don't like editing because i'm such a perfectionist until i've just had enough... but enjoy anyway!!

mood: how to disappear completely- radiohead

 

 

** Thursday, September 6th 7:13 am **

Louis made his way to school, dragging his feet and slumping his shoulders forward. Last night was so rough for him he contemplated on not going to school and he was so close to convincing himself but he's never missed a day without an excuse and he's not about to start doing it his senior year of high school. But for some reason he couldn't stop crying; he just cried and cried and cried all night until he couldn't anymore. And it wasn't like there was a particular reason for him to cry, he just did. His mum almost walked in on him sobbing but he was quick to pretend to be asleep, having to let the snot run down his face until she left (which wasn't long).

When he woke up his eyes were swollen and sensitive to touch or blink. He laid on his back staring at the ceiling cogitating if it was worth it to go on. As dark as it might sound, it was a reoccurring thought almost every morning because he just didn't want to continue the day, or life really. However, he had to get up and drag himself through life, even if he didn't want to and that was the worst part. Only staying alive because he's been told that supposedly the people around him cared, but where? Where is the care? People sure seemed to care throughout all his bullying and torture. Or the time where Louis was almost hospitalized because he accidentally touched a fellow schoolmate on his arm after people found out he was gay. What about when those people were physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally hurting him? Where were those people who supposedly cared? Because if it were up to him, he'd be six feet under right now and he's almost in love with that idea, finds happiness in it even because maybe then he'd finally be okay.

Just like every other one of his days, it's already started on a bad note. He woke up late, sleeping through his alarms (he didn't get to bed until a couple hours before waking up), but he still took a cold shower to try to get the puffiness out his eyes (it kind of worked), skipped breakfast (like always), his parents said nothing to him this time but his dad, however, did stare him down a couple times which made him uncomfortable. Oh yeah, and Louis spilled water all over his homework trying to shove it into his backpack as quickly as he could. So to say that today is already bad is an understatement for him. And to make matters worse, he wasn't even a few houses down from his when he heard a familiar melodic voice. "Bacon pancakes, makin' bacon pancakes." Louis couldn't see Harry, but he could imagine his head bobbing from side to side as he sang each line. "Take some bacon and I'll put it in a pancake. Bacon pancakes, that's what it's gonna make. Bacon pancake." Why? Isn't Louis supposed to be sad and depressed? So why is it that whenever Harry comes around, he can't wipe a stupid smile off his face. He hated it so much. Yeah he hated the suffering side effects of depression and all that but he loved being alone and keeping to himself so why did he enjoy Harry's presence so much?

And yes, Harry knew exactly what he was doing. Every other time he's attempted to just spark up a conversation with Louis it failed, so he decided to take a different approach and hoped it was a good one, because he for sure thought it was. As his song came to a finish, Harry wasn't sure if his eyes were deceiving him or not, but he could've sworn he saw Louis' shoulders rise and fall a few times as if he chuckled. "Louis," Harry extended his name, singing it loudly and repeating it over and over doing runs and maybe even yodeled it. He even put his finger to his ear, squeezed his eyes shut, and moved his head side to side, same with his finger, as he sang the runs. "Why do you hate me?" Even though he was joking, Louis had to admit that his voice was pretty heavenly, but he'd never tell him that of course. "I," he extended that note way too long and it made Louis laugh because his voice got raspy towards the end which resulted in Harry coughing. But he quickly recovered singing, "Oh I," extending the letter again, "I just want to be your friend." His steps quickened so he could walk backwards in front of Louis to sing directly at him. "Can't you see, oh baby, can't you see that I'm trying my best. Trying my best to get you to love me back." One of his hands was outstretched towards Louis as the other gripped his stomach, eyes clenched. "Your friendship would mean the absolute world to me and I promise, yes I promise, that we'll die together because our friendship would last for eons." His hands arched up and came down to his sides in the form of a rainbow as he whispered the last word.

It was a terrible song, it really was. The ending was the worst part but that's what makes it that much more charming. Nonetheless, Louis' face flushed red as soft giggles escaped his lips even though Harry was only joking around, of course he was joking, but it still made Louis blush because wouldn't it be crazy if they actually became friends? Like genuine friends who cared for one another and hung out all the time? It would be so weird for Louis to have one of those: a friend. He hasn't had one since sixth grade and he honestly doesn't remember what it's like to have one. Hell, he barely even remembers who he was friends with before. Everyone pretty much slipped from his mind and was pushed to his unconscious, except Zayn of course. How could he forget Zayn? "Louis? Everything okay?" Harry asked pulling Louis' hood down. The muscles in his body tensed from the sudden cool breeze and the fact that Harry just went ahead and touched him. "Woah, Louis, holy fu- um a-are you okay?" Louis was so caught up in Harry's song he forgot that he maybe didn't look so hot and that never happens. Frantically, he whipped his hood up and dropped his head to the ground. "No, no. Look at me Louis." But he didn't listen and instead he quickened his steps leaving Harry behind.

Harry just watched as Louis scurried off not saying anything, but his head was exploding with questions, as always. He was still so taken aback from the sight of Louis' puffy, reddened eyes; he looked so sad. There might've been a small smile on his face but even the smile looked sad. The sight alone was heartbreaking but adding what Monet's told him about how Louis used to be a happy boy compared to how he is now puts a pang in Harry's heart. It also confused him why Louis wouldn't talk to him. It's not like they never talked and the, what, two times they talked Louis never seemed to be too uncomfortable so why could he not even look at Harry now? Why couldn't he at least just say hi? Why was he also so afraid of human interaction that he scurried away? So many questions that Harry didn't have the answers to. That didn't settle well with him because he hated thinking or questioning the unknown. Nobody knew anything about Louis except Louis himself and Harry was obviously not going to get through to him because he's made a wall of concrete to block everyone out. (Everyone except Harry who believed he had a jackhammer to break down the wall). Then and there he made himself a promise that he's going to get all the answers to his questions. So that's why instead of going to see his friends before class started, he walked inside the building looking for Louis.

This was the second time he attempted to look for the tiny boy and just like the first, it was nearly impossible. He figured the first place he'd go would be his locker but he didn't think Louis would be at his locker for that long, so he searched everywhere but, again, had no luck. The endless hallways and millions of people that seemed to crowd them was getting so overwhelming Harry ended up giving up and concluded that Louis was only a phantom, a figment of his imagination, because how does he always just disappear? But that's what he's good at, disappearing and making himself invisible to his surroundings. Harry walked (shamefully) to his locker disappointed he didn't find Louis, but he couldn't hide forever, afterall they are neighbors.

And as if it were déjà vu there Louis was, standing beautifully at his locker, scanning through a book. Harry didn't want to scare him away, so as he neared the locker, he came up with a plan so Louis had no choice but to help him, hopefully. "Louis, hi. Fancy seeing you here," Harry gleamed at Louis. Immediately Louis' body tensed up and the book fell from his hands. Harry made no comment on the tensing, wanting to make him feel more comfortable, and he grabbed his book from the floor, handing it to him. "You dropped something love." Louis' face flushed a deep red as he opened his eyes, reaching out for the book. He put it in his bag, closed his locker, and walked away slightly embarrassed. "Wait, wait, can you help me with something?" And Louis being the selfless soul he was, turned around and walked towards the taller boy making the smile on Harry's face widen because his plan worked. He figured Louis would be a very loving and helpful person.

"Um, what's it uh, what's it you need h-help wi-with?" The cuffs of Louis' sweater were pulled over his hands, his fingers fiddling with the fabric.

Harry watched him pick at the fabric on his sleeves but made no comment. "Don't be nervous sweet, I just wanted to ask if you could help me find this room." Harry pulled out a piece of paper from the side of his backpack and pointed to a random lesson.

"That's uh, that's third lesson," Louis looked up and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. First lesson hasn't even started so why did Harry need help finding his third?

"Yeah, well, I wanted to find it in advance so I'm not late trying to scour through this awfully big building that I'm new to." He batted his eyelashes down at Louis and Harry could've sworn he saw the corner of his lip quirk up.

"Why not have someone in your second lesson show you around?" His stuttering faded away as the comfortability of the situation grew. Even though Louis was trying to get out of the situation the smile on Harry's face never faltered because Louis was talking. He was actually talking to him and wow was his voice so milky smooth.

"Because I don't want to wait that long and, plus, you will be showing me around, not a random stranger." He neared the smaller boy smiling like the cheeky fool he was.

"And what do you think you are?" Louis quirked an eyebrow up, crossing his arms, and taking a step back. He was surprised at his actions: the talking, the easiness, the smiling? Never would he be able to talk to anyone like this and it was all confusing because why did Harry always make everything feel warm and safe?

"Definitely not a stranger, the lowest ranking relationship we have is neighbors, but I think we're friends." Louis opened his mouth to say something until Harry lifted a finger and continued talking. "Don't say we're not friends Louis Tomlinson, I  _will_  cry."

"We're not friends," Louis whispered, a small smile growing on his face.

Harry's eyebrows furrowed and he gripped his shirt and groaned. "Did you hear that? That was my heart shattering into a million pieces and plummeting to my ass." Usually Louis would cringe, but he was too caught up in the moment and just giggled softly. At the harmonious sound of Louis' giggle, Harry's eyes completely lit up with happiness because he did that, he made him laugh. "So can you help me sugar, or am I going to have to talk to a scary stranger?"

"My name's Louis." His face flushed from the nickname because no one but some of his family members would call him such sweet names and it was all so weird.

"I know, but you're as sweet as sugar," Harry smiled. "You say I'm one of those scary strangers, but you help me anyway, what a sweetheart you are."

Louis rolled his eyes uncrossing his arms and snatching the paper from Harry to get a better look at it. Harry jumped a bit, astonished that Louis had enough courage to do that and yeah, maybe he was proud. Proud of a boy he barely knew. "We're not going to find this class if you keep running your mouth." And again, Harry was taken aback because just a few minutes ago Louis' body language was so timid and afraid and now he's giving him attitude and snatching things from his hand. He's not complaining, no, hell no, but it's all just so crazy. Louis took a good look at the paper and walked in the other direction, leaving Harry behind. He shook his head, trailing behind him with an accomplished demeanor. They walked in silence, well, Harry tried to ask Louis questions, but he stayed silent and scanned his surroundings for the room. "It's the second week of school and you don't know where your third lesson is?" Louis spoke up as they turned the corner.

There were hundreds of voices surrounding him, but Louis' sudden voice, though it was soft, startled him. "I got my schedule moved around because I didn't have government and apparently it was required or something. I got a few lessons switched around and yeah, that's basically it." That totally wasn't the truth at all. He never had his schedule switched around, he only needed an excuse to talk to Louis, hoping he'd respond, and it looks like it was worth it.

Louis nodded, surprisingly comfortable with the whole situation and his surroundings. "Um, well this is your stop. I mean, in like two hours but you know." He got flustered from a simple mistake and he felt like shrinking into himself and hiding away forever. "Oh hey, I've got this lesson right after you." He subconsciously scanned over Harry's schedule to see if they had any lessons in common but of course they didn't because there was no schedule change.

"Oh yeah? I guess I'm going to have to stick around after so I can see my favorite tour guide." Harry leaned against the wall looking Louis up and down unknowingly and smiled. Wow was he just so tiny and so adorable.

The smaller boy became flustered after  noticing the way Harry was looking at him and obviously from the somewhat of a compliment? "Then you'd be late to your next lesson and you wouldn't want that."

"But if it means I get to see you, I'm okay with it." Louis looked away and shook his head because was Harry flirting? Or was that just how his personality is: flirtatious.  _Of course it's just his personality, idiot. He's straight_. Harry thought the conflicting look on Louis' face was because of his comment so he said, "Or I can make it quick just so maths would be less dreadful," and that conflicting look was wiped right of Louis' face and replaced with a small smile. The warning bell rang signaling that the students had five minutes to arrive at their first lesson. Harry pushed himself off the wall and took the few steps it took to stand in front of his neighbor. "Thanks Louis, I really do appreciate you doing this for me. You saved my future ass," Harry laughed but Louis cringed, now aware of the whole situation as if he woke up from a dream.

"Uh, yeah, um, I think it's um, it's time for me to go. Have a good day Harry." He tried scurrying away, but his movements were slowed down by the crowded people in the halls.  _Why was he stuttering all of a sudden? Why is he so tense now?_

"Wait, slow down." Harry quickly stepped in front of Louis wanting to spend more time with him before he disappeared again because, all honesty, there was something about that tiny boy that Harry urged for more. He frequently found himself wanting more of Louis: getting to know him and what not. "Why don't you sit with me at lunch? We can chat and have a laugh, I think it could be fun." Yeah, Harry smiled because he thought it would be an amazing way to get to know each other, but after seeing Louis frown it faltered.

"I've got to go," Louis whispered pushing his way through the people, cringing as he made contact with his schoolmates but most importantly glad he left Harry. Nothing he said was necessarily bad. Harry was confused on why Louis just left but the name that popped into his head answered his question. At least one of his unanswered questions was answered.  
  


** 9:55 am **

Third lesson just ended and with the new information of Louis being in the same class as him right after, he took his time getting his things collected. "Is everything alright Mr. Styles?" his teacher, Mr. Phillips, asked.

Harry snapped out of his thoughts, realizing he was the last person left in the room. "Oh um, yeah," he stared at the door knowing Louis would be the first person in and hoping he'd come in soon. "I'm just packing my stuff, taking my time on this wonderful day might I add."

Mr. Phillips gave him a confused look. "Oh, okay. It's just odd because you're usually the first one out of here."

Harry zipped his backpack and slung it over his shoulder. "No offense Mr. P, but this lesson is fucking boring."

"Don't hate the player, hate the game," his teacher smiled walking back to his desk with Harry trailing behind.

"Nah, nah, you're a pretty cool teacher, it's just that government is so bleh." Harry pretended to hang himself and Mr. Phillips laughed.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," he shrugged sitting in his seat, sliding papers around.

"Do you have any original words or do you only speak in quotes?" Harry had his hands placed on top of his teacher's desk, leaning against it.

Mr. Phillips looked up from the papers raising his eyebrows. "You obviously don't listen to my lessons to know the answer to that question."

Harry's eyebrows raised and his lips pursed. "Alright, did you hear that? I think that was my next teacher calling me. I'll see you around Samuel." His teacher raised his eyebrows from Harry saying his first name but he only shook his head and went back to his papers. Being all caught up in the conversation with his teacher Harry almost forgot the reason he was still in the classroom. He searched the room and low and behold was Louis sitting in the same seat that Harry sits in. He sat in the seat in front of him and leaned across Louis' desk. "You want to know why I think we're meant to be?" he whispered.

Louis snapped his head up, startled from the noise and the sudden closeness of another human. "Harry," Louis sighed looking back down. "Wh-what do you mean?" No, of course he didn't mean as a relationship, of course not. But... what if?

"We sit in the same seat sugar." Harry lowered his head to get a better glimpse of Louis' face and smiled. Louis' face flushed and he tried his best not to smile but failed.

Louis opened his mouth to say something but Mr. Phillips beat him to it. "Leave him alone Styles, get to your next class." Harry turned around and scolded his teacher.

"Mr. Phillips, I am trying to have a conversation with a fellow friend and you're trying to keep me from that? Do you want me to remain lonely and afraid in this awfully big school I'm new to with the thousands of people who attend?" He crossed his arms and sat back in the seat.

"No, I'm trying to keep you from being late." More people piled into the room, walking in on the argument.

"Well it sure sounds like you don't want me to make friends around here. I'm new to this big, scary school and all I want is to be accepted and have friends and you're willing to sabotage me?"

Mr. Phillips sighed and rubbed his forehead. "No, Harry, just leave Louis alone and you can make all the friends you want." All the teachers knew about Louis' situation, how couldn't they? They all just wanted to protect the boy as best as they could.

"What if I want Louis to be my friend?" Everyone's head snapped to Harry who was kind of annoyed but still pretty calm. He was the cool new guy, he made all the right friends and had the best looks and  _he_  wanted to be friends with  _Louis?_

The teacher looked to Louis who only looked down because this was probably the most attention he's ever gotten in his whole high school career and it was honestly kind of overwhelming. "It's time to go Mr. Styles."

"I have," he paused to look at his watch, "two minutes and thirty seven, thirty six, thirty five seconds to get there, I think I'll be okay." Harry turned around to look at Louis, rolling his eyes and was that a giggle?

"If you-"

"It's okay Mr. Phillips, he's alright," Louis interrupted, shocking himself and everyone else in the class. His face turned bright pink from all the stares.

"It's okay, they won't hurt you Louis, I promise." Harry knew Louis wasn't going to talk but he really enjoyed just being in his presence and it was just weird. How can he enjoy being around someone who doesn't talk and pretends he doesn't exist? Why did he want to be Louis' friend so bad?

"You're in my seat Harry," a tall blonde girl said in an annoyed yet flirtatious tone.

"Sorry love." He stood up gesturing for the girl to sit to which she did whilst batting her eyelashes at him. "Have fun in this crucial class Camille." Harry winked and looked back to Louis when he was interrupted, again.

"You better get-" Mr. Phillips was interrupted by the bell ringing. "I'm not writing you a pass."

"Shit, okay bye all I'm out of here. Bye sugar, I'll see you later." He winked and waved towards Louis and Louis knew that because of the nickname, but Camille thought it was to her so she waved back with flushed cheeks.

"Harry the new kid wants to be friends with Louis? Seriously? He probably put him under a spell or something," one of his classmates spoke up and the entire class laughed at him as he sunk into his seat.

"He's probably trying to persuade another person to be gay," another classmate snickered.

"Alright, that's enough of that. Let's start the lesson." The class started as usual with the exception of the snickers about Louis and Harry.

Harry was running across the building to get to his next class zooming by lockers, teachers, and other late students. "No running in the halls, Harry," a teacher yelled as he ran past.

"No can do Sharon, I'm running late," he said running past her.

"What did you just say?" She crossed her arms and watched as Harry ran down the hall, ignoring her order.

"I said no can do Mrs. Jenke, I'm running late." He smiled almost making it to his class.

"Uh huh," she scolded, walking away.

Harry bursted through the door, panting, trying to catch his breath. The entire class turned to look at him, including the teacher. She crossed her arms and gave him a scold. "Sorry I'm late teach, there was a lot of traffic in those hallways."

"Take your seat Mr. Styles." She turned back to the board and started writing the lesson out. He took his seat and pulled out the needed materials from his backpack. "And it's Mrs. Davies to you."

 


	7. fluffy hair and stormy eyes, i wonder how many were lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY LOOK... to whoever's reading: im sorry for not updating in a while i have many reasons. uh, so the main reason is because it was the year anniversary of my grandpa's death so i was dealing with that and my cousins are visiting for a bit.
> 
> but a PHAT happy ninth birthday to my dads aka my favorite human beings on planet earth. to lewis, henry, niel, lima, and zack: i love you so much. thank you for having a huge impact on my life and changing it for the better. all the love xx

mood: party rock anthem- lmfao

 

 

** Saturday, September 8th 11:14 am **

It was a normal time for Harry to wake up on a weekend. He was never able to wake up early, at all, on any day. Mornings were just not his thing and he was fine with that. What good comes out of mornings anyway? You wake up and then what? No one's ever free until the afternoon so why wake up early when no one else is awake or available? But Harry was awake laying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling wishing it was night time already, that's where he thrived. There was also a party at Zayn's tonight, so that's always fun (he hoped).

It'd be the first party he'd attend that school year and in a new town. Harry's been to parties before, many of them, but this will be the first where he would know next to no one. He's always been a popular guy, even at his old school, but just because everyone knew him didn't necessarily mean he knew everyone. How fun could a party be when you don't know anyone and you're brand new girlfriend of a few weeks would be the only thing interesting? Nonetheless he agreed to go, after all Zayn was his friend and it'd be a good place to make friends so why not?

Harry wasn't one to overthink anything but he's new and didn't know how people partied around here. He had to be in a mood to party hard and go crazy and today he just felt like chilling. His mind wandered from what the party would be like to how it might go with hanging out with his new friends and if he'd make some more. Would his friends really stick by him the whole time? They've got plenty of other friends while Harry had maybe three? And could a high school party really be that great? I mean, sure, he's been to wicked parties in the past where he didn't know where he was when he woke up, but all his friends were insanely rich and bought anything and everything to make the parties as fun as possible. No one around here seemed crazy rich though, not that it was a problem, but that's all he knew. Crazy outrageous parties that were over the top for no reason. Without all of that how could it be fun?

And then his mind stumbled upon a very new yet familiar set of dull blue eyes. It was quite astounding to him often his mind wandered to his tiny neighbor because it was quite often. There was just something about him that intrigued Harry and he didn't know what it was. He's never wanted to be someone's friend so bad and he wondered why it was with someone who had no interest in being his friend. Maybe that's what it was. Everyone practically fell at Harry's feet the second he walked into that school except Louis. And maybe Harry thought that since Louis was playing hard to get that if they were to miraculously become friends, it'd be a true friendship. Not like everyone else who drooled over him and wanted to be his friend for popularity since he skyrocketed to the top of the social pyramid being the new kid and all. Maybe it was also because he genuinely thought Louis needed and deserved a friend. It's never fun to be alone all the time, it gets tiring.

A soft knock and the sound of his door creaking snapped him out of his thoughts and back into reality. "Hi love," Monet's soft voice matched the placidity in Harry's room. He frantically made sure his body was covered by his blanket because he did sleep naked. "Didn't mean to barge in, but your mum invited me inside. Said to wake you up if you weren't already."

They both laughed as Harry sat up, leaning against his wall and moving a pillow onto his lap. "Of course she did." He rolled his eyes and invited her to have a seat on his bed.

"I uh, I didn't know you slept naked?" She didn't want to assume but it was also pretty obvious by the way he freaked.

"Oh yeah, full nude. Wasn't expecting any company, hope I didn't slip." Monet laughed and shook her head.

"You didn't, or maybe I just didn't see anything because," she drifted off with a playful smirk on her lips.

Harry threw a pillow at her head laughing. "Shut up." It was all fun and games, neither took it too seriously and that's what Harry loved. Monet was always so easy going and all in all a very chill person.

"You didn't deny it." She raised her eyebrows winking at him.

"And I won't because I don't want to come off as a prick who thinks that the size of my," yeah, why did he feel uncomfortable talking about this with his girlfriend of all people?

"Penis," Monet finished for him.

"Yeah, is huge and it makes me manlier. And then when the time comes your hopes are up and you're disappointed."

"So you're saying if I take a peek right now I'd be disappointed?" She giggled, walking her fingers up to Harry's thigh.

"Quit it Mo," he laughed swatting her hand away.

"I'm only joking H." It fell silent for a few short seconds while Monet did a quick scan of Harry's room. "You should probably get dressed, it's getting a little awkward."

"For sure, um, can you?" Monet nodded covering her eyes with her hands so that Harry could get up to get dressed. They were dating but that doesn't automatically mean they see each other naked. They've only been dating for a month-ish now? A few weeks? And being their age and who they were, it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. At least not in the first few months. "Thank you," Harry whispered shuffling out of his room, wrapping a towel around his waist and grabbing random clothes.

"You can shower if you'd like, I can wait here. If that's okay with you of course." Her eyes were still covered and her head was still tilted down.

"You're the best Mo, see you in a few." He walked over to give her a kiss on the cheek and headed out to the bathroom.

Once the door closed behind her she knew it was safe to open her eyes. She uncovered them and took a better peek around the room. Harry's room was pretty bland to say the least. He did just move in so maybe that's why there's a lack of everything really or maybe he liked it plain. Very minimal furniture but the room was quite small itself. The bed was pushed into the corner surrounded by two walls with only a black, dainty frame, no headboard or anything fancy like that. Next to his bed was a small white bedside table that had a just as small lamp with a cup holding wooden pencils (she thought that was humbling for some reason) and other small things littering the top. On the wall opposite his bed was a white dresser. A normal looking dresser: silver knobs and six drawers. Colognes, maybe a few perfumes, hair ties, headbands, bobby-pins, and clips scattered all over that dresser. If she didn't know this room belonged to her boyfriend, she might've thought his sister occupied this room.

The walls seemed to be painted a light grey and one of the walls that his bed was pressed against looked to have a few drawings, words and quotes. They were written in pencil so it could easily be hidden and she didn't want to be nosy but when she saw the words 'eyes aren't supposed to be so grey' she instantly got intrigued, scooting closer to read more. She felt guilty but at the same time she liked to see the things that went through Harry's head that he never spoke of. The drawings weren't anything fancy. Just a few plants, stick figures, random objects, and woah. A really good drawing of a lady bug? The closer she got to the wall the less drawings she saw and the more words came apparent. Harry's only lived in this room for a bit over a month and he's already littered his wall with so many thoughts. But can you blame him, he's a thinker. 'He's so quiet but I can hear his screams', 'my mouth says one thing but my heart aches for another', 'the long hair and makeup is just a distraction from what's going on in her head'.

There was no doubt that Harry had deep thoughts about anything and everything. It was just a bit of a shock how he has so many thoughts but doesn't express them. He's such an open person and he was always someone who wanted people to express themselves to the fullest and to see him not do the same was strange. Even though these could just be late night thoughts, it was a different part of Harry she's never seen. 'Fluffy hair and stormy eyes, I wonder how many were lies' was the last thing she read before she heard the doorknob jiggle. There was no time to move so Monet just plopped down on the mattress, pushing her face into the pillow. "Uh, you alright Mo?" Harry questioned walking into the room.

"Yep, all good." Her voice was muffled from the pillow and she gave him a thumbs up.

"You don't have to cover your face, I've got my boxers on," Harry laughed closing the door behind him. Monet nodded, sitting up and turning around to see Harry wearing only boxers, rustling a towel through his hair.

She was speechless. Harry was scarily perfectly sculpted from head to toe. He was nicely tanned and toned with the bare outline of abs and the wondrous v-line every girl seemed to love. There was a big butterfly tattoo in the center of his chest and Monet thought it was very fitting. You don't really see males with butterflies tattooed on their body, especially not somewhere as visible as the chest. It was definitely interesting and intriguing. "Y-you uh, you have tattoos." Her words were stumbled because, yeah, she thought Harry was perfect.

Harry laughed, looking down to his arms and chest with furrowed brows. "Uh yeah, I've had them for awhile now. You went with me to get this one." He pointed to the Pink Floyd prism tattooed on his upper left arm.

"No, yeah, I know. But the butterfly, I didn't know you had that one." She scooted down to the edge of the bed sitting in front Harry.

"Oh, well yeah. It's one of my favorites actually." One of Monet's hands traced the butterfly and the other draped behind Harry's knee.

"I like it a lot," she smiled looking up at Harry.

"Yeah?" He smiled back. What was not to love about Monet? She was gorgeous, smart, kind, and had the best personality. She was so open minded and open hearted it was truly amazing he found someone like her so fast. Monet nodded the same time Harry pulled her up for a hug and an innocent kiss. "What'd you come over so early for?"

"Harry it's like noon, what do you mean early?" She pushed back and sat on his bed, waiting for him to get dressed.

"Yeah but you know I don't wake up until late so it's early for me." Monet rolled her eyes.

"That's because you're a lazy bum. Just wanted to see if you were up for lunch? On me." He reached into his closet for a black long sleeve button up to match his black skinnies.

Yeah, he liked the sound of that. Free food always tasted better. "I mean it'd be rude of me to decline your kind gesture, wouldn't it?"

She rolled her eyes again as she stood up from the bed. "Like I said, lazy bum."

** 7:56 pm **

Hours later and the couple were making their way over to Zayn's for the party. They spent the whole day together and it was all pretty nice. Lunch was at a small town restaurant, a cute one at that. The food was delicious and not too expensive and the restaurant itself was small but very spacious. They spent hours talking about everything unnecessary and random. After lunch Monet took Harry to a local park to sit, walk, and talk. Loads of talking and getting to know each other even more. Nothing too eventful happened, just a very chill day with his girlfriend.

They were making their way to Zayn's house, which was about a thirty minute drive from where they were at the park. Monet drove both of them through town, taking her time as cars zipped passed. Her windows were rolled down halfway and the music faintly played in the background. Gentle winds danced circles around the car and Harry was humming along with the music in the most melodic way a person can muster. Monet wanted to ask if singing or music was one of his hobbies but she also didn't want to interrupt the heavenly sound. "So, this party," Harry broke the silence looking towards his girlfriend.

"What about it?" She took a quick glance to her left before returning her eyes to the road.

"What's it for?" He stared straight ahead watching cars recklessly weave in and out through lanes.

"Just a back to school party. He's the only one that throws one now. Others used to host parties well but gave up when the turn out wasn't that big."

"So there's going to be a lot of people there?" Harry didn't like big crowds for unnecessary reasons. Like obviously he couldn't control the huge crowd at school so that's fine. It was things like big parties, festivals, and even some concerts where he just hated being around so many people. He wasn't claustrophobic or anything just didn't like loads of people in the same place.

"Yeah, his parties are usually the biggest because people love him. They want to be friends with him and whatever and he likes the attention." Her tone came out harsh and slightly judgmental.

"Okay, so I'm guessing you and Zayn have history? Or are my spidey senses off?" There was an awkward pause where Monet contemplated whether or not she wanted to talk about it.

She sighed as she slowed down to a red light. "Well, Zayn and I used to date." It was pretty obvious they've dated before, at least to Harry it was. They were good friends but there was always so much tension between the two of them. When they'd argue there was lots of bitterness and pettiness. Very childish (mostly Zayn's part).

"Well, duh, but what happened? How long ago was it? How long did you date? How was your guys' relationship? Why did it end?" He was, in all honesty, curious. Just curious.

"Why are you so Curious George over there? Is someone getting jealous?" She raised her eyebrows teasing her boyfriend.

"Not really, I'd probably be jealous if it was Niall because he's a sweet guy and honestly perfect."

"He is, isn't he?" It was quite comical how both of them always gushed over the Irish lad. They often talked about him in the nicest way possible, admiring him as the wonderful person he is and put him into hypothetical situations and coming up with what'd he do in them.

"Those crystal eyes and his [bleached] blonde hair and the baby face, ugh, what's not to love?"

"Alright creep, tone it down." The car went silent again, but a much more comfortable one.

"So? About you and Zayn?"

"Um, okay. It was freshman year when we started dating. Thought we were going to be high school sweethearts, but isn't that every high school relationship? Anyway, the relationship was fine and a lot of people liked us together since he played rugby and I was a cheerleader so, it's gonna sound weird, but it was a lot of pressure. Not for me, but for him. Zayn used to be really sweet and generous and kind and caring but ever since his falling out with Louis it slowly dissipated. He didn't treat me bad or anything but he started to care about his reputation. And you know how fourteen year old boys get when their girlfriend is around their friends and whatever. That was happening all the time and soon I got sick of it. I also didn't like who he turned out to be, I still don't. I broke up with him at the end of sophomore year because it was just- I was embarrassed to be with someone like that. The breakup wasn't terrible, we just didn't talk for the longest time. But we have the same friends so it was kind of inevitable."

That was a lot of information, nothing too serious, obviously, but it was still a lot to take in. Thinking of Zayn and Monet together was a little weird because Monet's such a sweet person and Zayn is, well, Zayn. "That's interesting, all of it's interesting. I still think it's a bit strange maybe because I just can't picture you with Zayn. Like you're so sweet and he's just-"

"Yeah, I know. But he wasn't always that way. He used to be pretty nice to everyone."

"That's also interesting. You know, from the day I met Louis I've always liked him and that never happens with me so I don't know why it's happening now, but I've always thought he was an angel. Like he cares so much even when he's hurting. So it's interesting to know that Zayn was nice when him and Louis were friends. Like Louis was the only innocence left of Zayn and when that was gone he did a complete one eighty."

Monet nodded along with Harry words, silently agreeing. The further those two boys drifted apart the hastier Zayn got. "How much do you like Louis exactly?" The tone of her voice was very teasing which caused Harry to roll his eyes.

"You're literally the worst person to talk about anything to." He looked out his window watching the town pass by. "But I do have to say, if boys were my thing Louis would definitely be mine." Monet choked on air, hacking up a storm. That was definitely not something she expected to come out his mouth, not this soon at least. "You alright Mo?" Harry patted her back but she soon dismissed him.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just choked on some air. Um, but what about Niall? You're just going to leave him hanging for someone who you barely know?"

"Niall's lovely and all but I feel like when I'm around him for too long I need a break, you know?" She nodded her head because, yeah, she felt the same way. "I know I barely know Louis because he just doesn't like me I guess, but the difference between Niall and Louis is that, yeah, I want to get to know Niall but I really want to get to know Louis. He just seems like an amazing person and I love that. He's also really pretty not gonna lie."

"You don't think Niall's pretty?" Their relationship may seem a tad weird to those who may not know them. Neither one of them got jealous nearly at all and that alone made the relationship ten times easier. Quite frequently they talked about both males and females that attended their school and talked about how attractive they were and have debates on why they did or didn't feel that way.

"No, Niall's just cute. He's got that cute little baby face and baby blue eyes to match but Louis is just so pretty. Like his features are so soft and gentle and  _feminine_ and his eyes are piercing despite how dull they are. He's actually really fucking beautiful." But they never talked about people like this. Sure they sometimes went into depth about why they thought someone was attractive or not very so to further their point but Monet caught something in Harry's tone that was more welcoming than that. Though he's always been so accepting of Louis so it was no shock.

"I agree, Louis is quite beautiful. Probably more than me." Yes, she complimented herself but who can deny her beauty? Everyone knew she was beautiful. Her long dark hair and small, soft features and those beautiful green eyes. There's no doubt she'd think of herself anything other than that. Confidence is key.

"Probably? Are you kidding me Mo?" Maybe her heart fluttered a little because Harry was so sweet. "Of course Louis is more beautiful than you, is that even a question?" And of course Harry always had to ruin the moment. He started cackling when Monet's face dropped to a very unimpressed expression, harder than he probably should have but he just thought it was funny. "Speaking of Louis, is he going to be at the party? You probably don't know since he either has selective hearing and chooses not to listen to me or he's incapable of talking, but do you think he'd be there?"

"For someone who's taken a lot of interest in that boy you sure don't seem to understand him yet."

"How am I supposed to understand him if he won't let me?"

"It doesn't take a lot to know that parties aren't his thing, especially if Zayn is hosting."

"Right, I forgot about that." Harry huffed and slumped in his seat. "Is it possible to miss someone you barely know? Because I really miss bothering Louis."

"Quit your moping, we're here." She parked down the street considering they were late and the road was filling up. It was a bit past eight but the party started at seven, unusually early for a party really. She took the keys out the ignition and waited for Harry to get out but he never did.

"Do we have to? I really don't want to. I don't even know the majority of people attending anyway so how am I supposed to enjoy my time there?"

"We don't have to stay the entire time." That alone was music to Harry's ears. He didn't have a problem with parties, he actually really enjoyed them, but it's no fun when you're not comfortable in the area yet.

"If you want to stay that's fine. I could always find someone to bail me out, probably Niall because he's an absolute doll." They were now walking to Zayn's house, passing by loads of cars and people who are either walking towards or are already leaving the party.

"Have I ever told you that you're the best?" Harry flicked his hair off his shoulder and pursed his lips in agreement. As they made their way pushing through people, Monet pulled Harry by the hand guiding him through the familiar house. They weren't even that late and the house was already overflowing with people crowding halls, rooms, the lawn, everywhere.

"Yeah, I'm only staying two hours, tops," Harry said most likely to himself because it was too loud for Monet to hear.  
  


** 11:43 pm **

Nearly three hours later and Harry was drunk out his mind playing beer pong with people from his school who he didn't know but befriended throughout the night. He honestly doesn't know how he got here but he's going to blame Niall for introducing him to nearly everyone. And he truly had plans on leaving early but then these strangers he might call friends convinced him to play at least one round of beer pong. Then one round led to four and let's just say Harry's damn good at the game but so was the opposing team.

He didn't play four games straight, that'd just be insane. In between games he'd find Monet and drag her to an area of crowded people to dance messily with one another (both were pretty drunk) or take advantage of the term 'PDA' because holy shit did they make out. But then his new friends would find him and drag him back to beer pong and it was honestly a good time. Never did he think he'd have this much fun with a bunch of strangers with nothing but music and booze, but he's glad he came. Harry's an outgoing person, sure, but he'd keep to himself a lot of the time. He's fine with talking to anyone about nearly everything, so it wasn't a surprise when he clicked with pretty much everyone he encountered.

Right now he's about to win a very close game of beer pong. There's only one cup left for each team and it's his turn to toss the ball. Not to say his partner was shit, but his partner was shit. He barely made anything in and Harry was tired of carrying him on his back so he had to end the game now or he's going to die of alcohol poisoning. The unnecessary anticipation of the crowd carefully watching him as his wrist moved back and forth, warming up his toss was causing him more anxiety than necessary. It was a stupid game and he gets nothing out of it besides drunk but he wanted to win (losing never sat well with him). The ball was released from his hand, bounced off the table ("a trick shot" Harry liked to call it) and circled the rim of the cup. Harry sighed in defeat but then the whole crowd cheered as the ball plopped in the cup. Why were they making it a big deal? Because that's his fourth win tonight making him the reigning champion.

Everyone cheered and patted him on the back, congratulating him for his pointless win. Girls, for some odd reason, found it really attractive how good Harry was and flirted with him making him uncomfortable. He was sure to have a stern talking with Monet for not supervising him because he couldn't seem to escape all the endless flirting from girls he didn't know the names of. But knowing Monet, even if she was supervising she'd still do nothing about it but laugh and watch Harry suffer. "All right ladies, leave pretty boy alone," Niall budded in, shooing the girls away as he wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders despite the height difference. "You all know damn well he's taken so see your way out." The girls scoffed and shot death glares at Niall for ruining their chances with the curly haired boy.

Harry was so grateful for that. He was way too nice to reject people like he just did and he couldn't thank god enough for the wonderful Niall Horan. "Thanks Ni, you the realest." His words were so slurred he was practically speaking in cursive.

"I think it's time to head out H, you've had a lot to drink." Niall guided Harry through the crowds finding their way out. "Let's go tell Mo you're leaving, yeah?" The music was suddenly way too loud, the lights were blinding, and it seems as the amount of people tripled and Harry was too plastered to even comprehend what Niall was trying to communicate to him.

When Monet was the slightest bit in Harry's line of sight he screamed, "Mo!" and stumbled his way towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "Hey babe."

"Missed you H." Her words were slurred too and her eyes were droopy but she was still beautiful. Harry pulled her in for a disgustingly rough kiss, unaware of his surroundings and honestly not caring.

"All right lovebirds, break it up." Niall intercepted them mid-kiss pulling them apart.

"Don't be such a priss Neil." Harry poked Niall's forehead forcefully and Monet childishly giggled at her boyfriend, bringing her body closer to his.

"Mo, I'm taking your lover home because he's beyond pissed and he's not going to stop as long as he's here." She frowned and tugged on Harry's hand.

"I can take him home," she smiled which made Harry smile.

"Fuck no that's not happening. You're staying the night here." Niall's always been so protective and caring over his friends and that's why everyone loved him so much.

"Ew, no. I don't want to be alone with Zayn, he weirds me out."

Niall rolled his eyes and yanked Harry closer to him. "Fine, Zayn said he'd take you home safely and don't fight against it, please. We can't have you dying on us, we love you too much."

"Aw, Niall's such a sweetheart isn't he?" She teased. "Love you too Ni. Told you he's soft and lovable." Her words were directed to Harry and he chuckled but it left Niall confused but he shook it off pulling the taller boy away, finding his way out the party. "Bye Harry," Monet yelled over the music.

"Bye Mo," Harry yelled back allowing himself to be pulled away. Niall rushed to his car (which was parked very close to the house) so he didn't have to drag Harry's big body anymore. "Niall," Harry sang in the strangest voice.

"Yes Harry?" Niall was shoving Harry's practically limp body into his car, struggling the most he's ever struggled before.

"I like the way you hold me. So soft and gentle." His loopy smile was charming but it also made him look stupid (Niall thought).

"Okay Harry," Niall replied slamming the passenger side door and walking to the other side after buckling Harry in. "Give me your address." He pulled out his phone and opened the maps app.

"Give me a kiss on the cheek first." Niall's neck snapped to the drunken boy in his passenger seat.

"Harry what-"

"C'mon, just a quick kiss. I promise I won't tell anyone, you've got my word." He put his pinky to his lips with a smug smile. Niall knew there was no way out of this because Harry seemed to be very persistent when he's drunk so he leaned over to kiss his cheek. But what he didn't expect was Harry to turn his head last second making Niall kiss him on the lips. When Niall pulled back Harry laughed so hard he felt like vomiting. Once he calmed down he gave his friend his address and they were on their way.

The drive wasn't too bad, less than forty minutes. Along the way Harry annoyed Niall with his pestering, drunken questions but he still answered them because he'd be even more annoying if he was ignored. When he wasn't asking questions, Harry was screaming song lyrics and even tried to climb out the window while Niall was driving (thank god for window locks). But Harry was calmer now as sleep overcame him, tiring him out. Niall turned into his neighborhood and furrowed his eyebrows, scanning his surroundings. "This neighborhood looks so familiar and I don't know why."

"What do you mean leprechaun?" His words were still slurred but overlayed with sleepiness making it almost impossible to comprehend.

Niall rolled his eyes and was a few turns away from Harry's house. "I don't know, it just looks oddly familiar."

"They're h-houses Nail, they all looking the fucking same." Which obviously wasn't true but whatever, there's no use in arguing. They made it to Harry's house and Niall couldn't be happier because all the bullshit of drunk Harry can finally go away.

"Let me take you inside." He unbuckled his seatbelt when Harry stopped him.

"Nu-uh James, you're not sticking it in my butt tonight. Stop trying to take advantage of me while I'm drunk." Harry took his seatbelt off and unlocked the doors.

"You're an actual pest, get out of my car and don't die walking to your house."

"How about you give me a kiss on the cheek before I leave?" There was a smile that terribly held back Harry's laughs because of what happened earlier.

"Absolutely not Harry. Get out." Niall tried pushing him away but he was just so heavy.

"Please Niall." Harry stuck his bottom lip out and batted his eyelashes as if that'll convince him.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please, please, please, please, please, please," Harry was screaming now, taunting Niall.

"You're so fucking annoying when you're drunk," Niall said before leaning towards the other side of the car to kiss Harry's cheek and low and behold Harry turned his head again and bursted into a laughing fit. "Alright, alright, now go."

Harry's head was tilted towards Niall, leaning against his shoulder and admiring his beauty. "You're really cute Niall," Harry said softly.

See, Harry wasn't so bad when he was drunk and calm. "Monet always told me you fancied me," Niall chuckled.

Harry gasped, sitting up and gripping his chest. "She's such a traitor! We agreed to keep it secret. She's fancies you and thinks you're beautiful."

Niall couldn't do anything but laugh because their relationship was odd. "It's nice to know you both fancy me, very heartwarming."

"Nope, it's just her. I don't fancy you." Niall gave him a hurt expression but Harry didn't care if it was real or fake. "If I fancy anyone it'd be the beautiful Louis Tomlinson. Oh hey, look, he's awake." Harry pointed to the house across the street. One of the windows in the front was dimly lit.

"That's why this place looked so familiar. I forgot Louis lived over here."

"You been to Louis' house?" Harry frowned because he wants to go inside Louis' house.

"Only a few times, we had some mutual friends back in the day."

"Zayn," Harry growled remembering what Monet told him.

"Yeah," Niall sighed.

The car fell silent. Harry gazed at Niall who stared at Louis' house with sadness. "Well bye Ni, oo that rhymed. Love ya, see you Monday." He kissed Niall's cheek before leaving the car to walk (wobble) to his house. When Harry was close enough to the door, Niall pulled away figuring he'd make it inside just fine. Wrong. He should've stayed a few seconds longer because a thought popped into his mind and he stumbled back down his driveway, crossing the street to Louis' house. In his mind, it was a great time to knock on the door and ask Louis to hang out with him.

As he walked across the lawn, he tripped over his own feet, landing on his face. "Ow," Harry groaned only feeling an ounce of pain. He would've gotten up and continued his journey to the door but he was so exhausted and his body reacted way too quickly to him laying down. After a few minutes of mentally getting up and ringing the doorbell, he fell asleep sprawled out on his neighbor's lawn.

 


	8. it was quite strange how a blinding smile belonged to such a sad boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (:

mood: trust me- the fray

 

** Sunday, September 9th 9:31 am **

_There he laid so beautiful_ _,_ _so peaceful. Harry couldn't believe his eyes as he walked into the familiar home to see Louis laying on his bed_ _: breathless_ _. His skin wa_ _s_ _pale and his lips were blue, hair scattered across his forehead. He received news from Monet that Louis died just before his wedding with Zayn all the way from Holmes Chapel. On his journey back to London, he stopped by a local apothecary's shop to purchase poison because there is just no world without Louis Tomlinson. Before entering the house, a quick and victorious battle against the rebarbative, vile Zayn Malik, the man who stole his love away. Once he was slain, he begged to be laid next to his fiancé but Harry only scoffed, leaving him there to die and rushed to see Louis._

_"O my love! My wife! Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty: Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet is crimson in thy lips and in thy cheeks," he stroked Louis' cheeks so softly, admiring his beauty. "And death's pale flag is not advanced there. Ah, dear Louis, why art thou yet so fair? Shall I believe that unsubstantial death is amorous, and that the lean abhorred monster keeps thee here in dark to be his paramour? For fear of that, I still will stay with thee; and never from this palace of dim night depart again." Harry took the ring he wore around his neck by chain to place on Louis' finger; after all, it was made for him. "O, here will I set up my everlasting rest, and shake the yoke of inauspicious stars from this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And, lips, o you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death! Here's to my love!" He uncapped the vial of poison, placing it on his lips to swallow. "O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die." He kissed Louis' lips and died on the floor right next to him._

_Niall walked across the neighborhood with a lantern, for it was night, nearing the Tomlinson residence on his mission to be there when Louis awoke. "Saint Francis be my speed! How oft to-night have my old feet stumbled at graves! Who's there?"_

_Monet appeared from behind a building, bearing a torch in hand. "Here's one, a friend, and one that knows you well."_

_Upon sight, Niall's eyes lit up, welcoming the small girl. "Bliss be upon you! Tell me, good my friend, what torch is yond, that vainly lends his light to grubs and eyeless skulls? As I discern, it burneth in the Tomlinson's monument." They walk together, approaching Louis' house._

_Monet nodded, pointing at the house, the door ajar and the faint twinkling light coming from inside. "It doth so, holy sir; and there's my master, one that you love."_

_Curiosity and confusion filled Niall wondering who was left to see the beloved Louis_ _._ _"Who is it?"_

_"Harry."_

_"How long hath he been there?"_

_"Full half an hour."_

_"Go with me to the vault."_

_"I dare not, sir:" Monet took a step back brushing her hands on her coat. "My master knows not but I am gone hence; And fearfully did menace me with death, if I did stay to look on his intents."_

_Niall sighed, nearing the opened door. "Stay, then; I'll go alone. Fear comes upon me: O, much I fear some ill unlucky thing."_

_Monet followed but stopped just before the door saying, "As I did sleep under this yew-tree here, I dreamt my master and another fought, and that my master slew him."_

_Niall furthered the house in search for the banished boy. "Harry!" Beginning his search he ste_ _p_ _ped in a thick, sticky substance. "Alack, alack, what blood is this, which stains the stony entrance of this sepulchre? What mean these masterless and gory swords to lie discolour'd by this place of peace?" He walked further into the home, up the stairs and into Louis' room. "Harry! O, pale! Who else? What, Zayn too? And steep'd in blood? Ah, what an unkind hour is guilty of this lamentable chance!_ _" Louis slowly regains consciousness, taking a while before opening his eyes. "_ _The sire stirs."_

 _Louis_ _opened his eyes_ _, slowly moving his limbs_ _as he looked around the room for the familiar voice_ _. "O comfortable friar! Where is my lord? I do remember well where I should be, and there I am. Where is my Harry?" The plan, there was a plan. A solid plan that had little faults and somehow it still failed._

_"I hear some noise. Sire, come from that nest of death, contagion, and unnatural sleep: A greater power than we can contradict hath thwarted our intents." Worry and sadness overcame Niall, remembering that Harry laid next next to him. "Come, come away. Thy husband in thy bosom there lies dead; And Zayn too. Come, I'll dispose of thee among a sisterhood of holy nuns: Stay not to question, for the watch is coming; Come, go, good Louis, I dare no longer stay."_

_"Go, get thee hence, for I will not away." He looked to the floor, grabbing the vial from Harry's hand. "What's here? A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after?" He gripped onto Harry's hand, stroking his cheek and running his thumb over his lips. "I will kiss thy lips; Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make die with a restorative." Louis leaned down to kiss his fallen angel. "Thy lips are warm." There was a sting in his eyes as a tear fell down his cheek and onto Harry's._

_A worker who worked for the Tomlinson's furthered their way into the house. "Lead, boy: which way?"_

_Louis swiped away the tears that stained his cheeks, composing himself, looking towards the door. "Yea, noise? Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger!" He grabbed the dagger that was strung around Harry's waist, holding it in front of him. "This is thy sheath;" he stabbed himself in the stomach, his breath hitching as he bled out to his soon death. "There rust, and let me die," were the last words to be said before Louis died on top of his love._

"Harry?" The voice was distant but so familiar. "Harry? Harry." He felt a hand hold his shoulder firmly, but shook it softly. "Harry, c'mon Harry. Wake up."  _Wake up?_

Harry's eyes snapped open after hearing a car zip by, the bright sun immediately giving him a headache. "Louis?" He questioned, not sure if he was still dreaming or not. "You're alive?"

"Um, yeah?" Louis removed his hand from Harry's shoulder and sat next to his head, crossing his legs.

Harry sighed in relief, closing his eyes from the blinding sun shining on them. "Oh thank god, I'm so happy you're alive."

Louis' face flushed a deep red. Harry barely knew anything about him and he cares about him? "What are you doing on my lawn?" he softly asked.

"What? Your lawn?" Harry opened his eyes and scanned his surroundings in confusion.

"Um, yeah. I'm guessing you fell asleep here last night? Not on purpose obviously."

Harry scrunched his nose and pulled his lip to the side for a split second, not liking the last sentence but ignored it. "Holy shit, I'm sorry."

"Please don't swear; I hate when people swear." He was looking down to his lap and his words come out barely audible.

"I'm sorry darling, excusez mon français," Harry said in a teasing and adorable way. Louis thought his French accent was actually pretty good (he had distant relatives who were French that came by once every blue moon) and it made him even more attractive while speaking it. "I'm not exactly sure how I got here. I know I went to a party last night and Niall brought me home because I had too much to drink."

Louis crinkled his nose as he played with the fabric of his pants. "You reek of alcohol."

"Seriously? Still?" Louis nodded his head, watching Harry sniff under his armpits for some reason and it made him giggle. Any and every form of laughter from Louis was like the most beautiful song nature could produce and it made Harry smile. "Fu-uh-udge. I'm sorry, I didn't know I smelled so bad." A mock frown played on Harry's lips, pouting at Louis.

"You're apologizing too much." There was a small smile on Louis' lips that sent butterflies into Harry's stomach. It was quite strange how a blinding smile belonged to such a sad boy.

"Because I want you to like me! I can't have you thinking I'm a big, bad, scary person. I have feelings and sympathy and remorse. Please be my friend." Louis shook his head, looking back to his lap and suddenly becoming awkward. "What do I have to do for you to be my friend?" Harry noticed how Louis never made eye contact with him for more than maybe a minute or two before looking away.

"I don't-"

"Louis, come on, we have to go. Oh hey Harry," Laura said closing the front door and walking down the pathway towards the driveway. "How are you?"

"I'm lovely, how are you?" Louis rolled his at how charismatic Harry is, finding it slightly annoying how easy it was for him to talk to anyone.

"I'm the same, thanks for asking. I hope you don't mind me stealing Louis away from you, but we've got some place to be." Harry watched how uncomfortable Louis got when his mom talked.

"I do mind, but I guess if he has somewhere to be I shouldn't. And I know Louis' internally screaming, wanting to get as far away from me as possible, so I'll leave him be." He was joking but there was a hint of despondency in his voice that Louis caught on too. Nothing made sense. Why couldn't Louis just be his friend? Why did everything have to be so difficult? It was frustrating for Harry because he just didn't understand Louis. He doesn't understand why he's so closed off and why he's so stubborn about staying lonely or why he can't look him in the eye for too long.

"Harry," Louis sighed looking up at the curly haired boy who sat straight, dusting his arms of grass.

"Well, I suppose I need a thorough cleaning. I'll see you tomorrow morning Mr. Tomlinson," Harry tried to joke around but it was obvious that his mood dropped. Louis didn't say anything, only nodded standing as Harry did the same. He watched the taller boy walk away sadly. He didn't want to make him feel bad, he really didn't. It's just hard for him to trust and socialize; there's nothing personal about it. "Hey Louis?" Louis turned around seeing that Harry stopped just before of the road. "Thank you for talking to me, I know it must've been a bit difficult for you. I appreciate it and maybe we can talk more tomorrow." Harry smiled and left before Louis could respond. He's trying really hard to understand and it doesn't go unnoticed. Louis appreciates it but doesn't know what to do with it.

"Is everything alright honey?" Laura asked as Louis sat in the passenger seat, closing the door and buckling his seatbelt.

"I don't know, I think so." He stared out the window as his mum pulled out the driveway.

"What'd he want?" She turned down all the roads necessary to exit the neighborhood.

"Um, he just woke and wanted to talk, he always wants to talk."

"That's not a bad thing right? I mean, I know you're not the keenest on conversing but maybe it could be a good thing?" She glanced over to her son who payed no attention to her.

Louis stared out the window watching the town go by, silently thinking about Harry. He didn't think about Harry often, no, that would just be crazy. But it's hard to get someone out your mind when they keep trying to pester their way into your life. Maybe a friendship with Harry wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Louis did think he was sweet and kind and a tad cooky but overall a nice guy. He's experienced nothing but kindness and willingness to understand from Harry, so a friendship wouldn't be bad, right?

But at the same time he's friends with Zayn: it always came back to that. He's friends with Zayn and anyone who's friends with Zayn couldn't possibly be serious about wanting to be friends with him, right? I mean, come on, Zayn and his friends are the reason why not just his high school career but his life since grade six has been absolute hell. Yeah Harry's new and he doesn't know the extent of things, but Louis' sure Zayn had to tell Harry whatever rumors about him he could come up. There was no doubt in his mind that happened. "I don't know ma, he seems nice and all that but I just can't shake the fact he's friends with Zayn."

She slowed the car down as the light turned yellow and looked at her son. "You know Zayn isn't evil, right? Sure, he hasn't made good choices in the past but he's not as maniacal as you may think. Everyone has bad days."

"Bad days? Are you serious right now? Bad days. Sure, Zayn has bad days that's why he makes my life a living hell everyday since grade six. Bad days," Louis scoffed.

"I'm just saying not everyone he comes into contact with is automatically going to hate you. You need to get that out of your head. Didn't you say Monet was nice to you?"

"She's different." He shuffled in his seat becoming very uncomfortable where the conversation was taken. "She's nice to everyone. There isn't an ounce of hatred in her body."

"So I'm right when I said that Zayn doesn't negatively influence everyone he comes in contact with."

"Are you seriously defending him right now? Seriously?"

"No, I'm only saying he may not be as bad as you think." Louis wasn't one to get angry. Irritated, maybe, but rarely ever angry. Right now he was next to fuming. He just couldn't believe that his own mother would ever defend one of his biggest tormentors after knowing in detail mostly everything Zayn's done to him.

"With all due respect mum, please just be quiet and take me to the hospital. I don't want to talk about this anymore." And she did; she kept quiet until she pulled into the car park of the hospital to drop Louis off.

 

** 1:47 pm **

Louis asked his grandpa if he could take him home because he honestly didn't want to be alone with his mum right now. That and his grandpa was always there when he visited the hospital every weekend. He was there quite often; every weekend since grade eleven. The nurses and doctors familiarized themselves with him and now call him by name (it wasn't that big of a hospital). They greet him when he walks in and offer him assistance if he ever needs it. It really felt like second home to him; the atmosphere was way lighter and nicer than at his real home, even though there's people dying there everyday.

He visits every Saturday and Sunday and should really spend the night because it's quite redundant and wasteful to drive back and forth between the two days. But Louis insists on not spending the night, no matter how much the nurses try to convince him he won't do it. Though he feels a hundred times safer, relaxed, and comfortable in the hospital, there's just something about spending the night there that doesn't sit well with him. He feels like that if he does then he'd feel crazy or like something's wrong with him: like he belonged there. But he didn't, he's fine, he's okay, so he never ever spent the night there.

William, Louis' grandpa, was driving Louis home, maybe ten minutes out. There was no music playing ("You call that crap music?" "It's not crap, it's The Fray gramps" he turned the radio off) the windows were opened halfway since it was a nice day. The wind wasn't too strong because William doesn't like too drive fast. "Thanks for bringing me home pops, I appreciate it. It's nice seeing you too."

William chuckled, shaking his head. "You see me every weekend son." The only time Louis didn't mind being called son was when it was from his grandpa. He felt more of a son to him than to his own father. Everything felt so tranquil and relaxing with his grandfather unlike the tense uncomfortableness with his real father. And if he had a choice he'd definitely live with his grandparents.

"I know, but it's a refreshing feeling after being alone for the entire week." Louis looked to his grandpa with a smile on his face because he absolutely adored him. His grandpa was genuinely so nice and caring and accepting of Louis.

"C'mon Louis, you still haven't put yourself out there? How am I supposed to attend your wedding if you don't venture out?" Marriage was always something Louis dreamed of. Not for all the cliche things but, for him, it's about security. That there'd be someone by his side for the rest of his life and he wouldn't have to worry about being lonely. Someone who loved him enough to sign their life away to him and share everything with: finances, accessories, memories,  _children._

Louis laughed at his grandpa's dramatics. "I'm never getting married pops, so you shouldn't hold your breath over it. I'm destined to die alone." Even though he was being serious, he joked along because it's all you could do when you weren't meant for anyone.

"Don't say that son, everyone's got a soulmate."

"Not this again," Louis scoffed, rubbing his forehead because he hated this talk. William always got into this conversation every time they see each other.

"I'm serious Louis, we've all got our soulmates but some just don't end up with theirs."

"And I won't end up with mine, if I even was 'assigned' one."

"Blah, blah, blah. What about that Harry boy you've talked about?"

"What about him?" Louis hates talking about Harry yet he seems to talk about him a lot. And if he was trying to say that Harry was Louis' soulmate, he's gone completely mad.

"You still haven't been courted by his grand gestures for wanting to be your friend? I mean, give him a break, he's trying so hard and all he gets is blunt rejection." He shifted the conversation because he knew Louis hated talking about his 'lonely future'. But that doesn't change the fact that William thinks Harry was made for Louis.

"I just- I don't want to get hurt anymore. He's friends with everyone who torments me, I doubt it's anything genuine." You can't get hurt when you're alone and he was fine with that.

"You never know if you don't try bub. You said he was nice to you when you two first met."

"He was." Scarily nice, like nice enough to make Louis talk to a complete stranger and he never did that.

"And he wasn't friends with them back then so I'd say you've nothing to worry about." That could be true and it probably is, but Louis would never think that. His brain will always thinks it's a prank and he knows better than to fall for some stupid trickery set up by his schoolmates.

"Yeah, whatever." He wasn't frustrated or anything and his grandpa knew that; he simply just didn't want to talk about it anymore. His grandpa parked on the curb to Louis' home, pulling up in front of the mailbox. "Thank you again for taking me home grandpa, it's nice to see you as always."

"It's no problem Louis, I enjoy our time together as well. And I know I'm the only way that you get to vent since you keep yourself secluded. Well your grandma too, but I'm better than her." His grandparents' relationship is all Louis wanted in life. They were honestly the cutest thing he's ever seen. They've been married for fifty five years (they married young) and were the best of friends. Throughout their whole marriage they loved to prank each other and [jokingly] bad mouth one another, they still do. "Looks like you've got mail pretty boy." His grandpa smirked pointing to an envelope titled  _Louis_  in a pretty cursive taped to his postbox. "I'd say he's genuine. I'll see you next weekend, love you lots."

"Love you too," Louis said before shutting the door behind him. Ripping the small envelope from the post, he opened it pulling a thank you letter out? It was very pretty might he add. The 'thank you' was written in a frilly, dainty cursive font with three or four pink watercolored flowers. Unfolding the card revealed Harry's pretty cursive handwriting and a folded sticky note. As he walked to his front door he read the few words that scattered across the thick paper.

 

_Hey Louis!_

_I hope it's you reading this instead of your mum or something. If it's not you hi but you shouldn't be reading Louis' mail! ): < But anyway, I just wanted to thank you for talking to me today. I guess I'm making a big deal out of it but I just wanted you to know that I really did appreciate it and I hope we can chat more in the future. That's all for this quick little thank you note. Oh and that blue little sticky note I thought you should have. I uh, I might've written it when I was a bit tipsy. After being driven home, I asked Niall if I could have a sticky note so I could leave you a message, so that's that. Also I'm sorry for sleeping on your lawn, I don't remember exactly what happened but just know I was thinking about you (; I'll see you tomorrow_ _._

_Harry xx_

 

The letter was short but it made Louis smile. It was a simple gesture that was unnecessary but it was really heartwarming to know that Harry went out of his way to make sure Louis knew he really did appreciate everything. He's never received anything like this before. No one's ever gave him a letter to thank him for talking to them. That's not something a normal person would do. But this was Harry, crazy Harry. His brain works in incredible ways that Louis will never understand. With the smile still plastered on his face, he opened the small sticky note and oh- the handwriting was way different. It wasn't in the pretty cursive from earlier; it was chunky and sloppy and in all caps.

_MISS YOU LOU    (hey that rhymed)_

_HARRY XX_

It was only three words, three simple words but it was crazy how those three words made his insides tingle and the smile on his face grow larger than the small card. And maybe it was because even when he was drunk Harry still thought about Louis.


	9. how can someone with so much baggage and a haunting past possibly be pretty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kind of rushed this chapter so i'm sorry if you think it's shit.

mood: start of something new- high school musical  
  


** Monday, September 10th 6:00 am **

Louis showered when he woke, as he usually did before school. But today he took longer than usual, taking his time to scrub himself clean and letting his mind wonder to anything it wanted except Harry. It frustrated him how he had to force himself not to think about him because that's all he'd do if he allowed himself to. It also frustrated him how his mind would roam to the curly haired boy anytime he thought about anything (just out of curiosity). Like he'd be thinking about something random like balloon animals and wonder if Harry liked them or if he knew how to make them (Louis thought that he probably does know how to make them because he's weird and full of surprises). Or his mind would wander to butterflies and flowers and all the pretty things in life and he'd wonder if Harry liked them or how the flowers would look pretty in his long curls.

He didn't want to think about Harry, he really didn't, and he didn't know why that name was a constant in his mind. He's come up with a few theories that could possibly be the reason why he's been acting different lately but just because Harry's giving him attention he's never had before doesn't mean he'd think about him all the time, right? Just because Harry was nice and came up with the strangest ways to talk to him doesn't automatically mean he'd think about him, right? Trust me, he didn't want to think about him and it drove him insane because it seemed impossible to get him off his mind. And the fact that Harry lives just a few meters away from him didn't help the situation at all. Anytime of the day Louis could just walk over and look at his house for however long he wanted before he was internally punching himself across the jaw, screaming self deprecating words to finally break away.

Louis didn't think about Harry all the time because he liked him, no. Yeah, maybe he thought Harry was attractive and all that because who on earth is going to say that Harry Styles is ugly? Absolutely no one. He's got to admit that he may have had a slight crush on his neighbor but he's gotten over it because he knows it'll never happen so he never got too hung up on it. But he doesn't think about him because he likes him, that'd be absurd (and he definitely was not allowing himself to think about him right now).

He hopped out the shower after cleaning himself three times (it was a thing he did sometimes) and [very] carefully dried his body since his skin was a tad sensitive from all the scrubbing and gently patted all the scratches, fresh or healing. Quickly, he threw on black loosely fitted joggers with a white sweatshirt and slipped on a pair of black vans. Ruffling up his hair, he towel dried it, leaving it messy, and headed downstairs. Instantly he was greeted by his mum, startling him. "Good morning sweetheart," Laura chirped from the kitchen as she flipped over a pancake.

Charles looked up from his morning newspaper to look at his son. "Hey sport."

Louis cringed at the word; his dad always called him sport and he always hated it. He felt like his dad was trying to masculinize him, since he wasn't as manly as Charles most likely wished he was (and probably because he was gay). "Hey," Louis said shriveling into himself, walking to the fridge to grab a bottle of water and quickly headed for the front door.

"You should start getting down earlier, so you have time to eat breakfast," Louis' mum said handing him an apple.

Louis grabbed the apple, putting it into his backpack. "Yeah, yeah. Bye ma, I'll see you later." Charles' head snapped up from the paper to look at Louis, waiting for  _his_  farewell but never received one. Louis only squinted his eyes a little and walked out the door.

"Laura," Charles sighed shaking his head in disbelief. He looked towards his wife with an unpleasant expression.

Laura walked back to the kitchen. "I told you, you just need to be patient with him. He said hi to you, that's improvement." She brought a stack of pancakes to the table and sat down.

"Sure, but he should be able to say hi to me whenever. Not for the first time in years. It still upsets me how he doesn't care for me and has a fine relationship with you." They had this conversation pretty often, almost everyday for the past six or so years. Charles  _would_  talk to Louis about it and want to fix their relationship firsthand, but he doesn't want his son to feel alone, scared, or uncomfortable when they're having the chat and there was just no way Laura was going to be there. But it's not like Louis would talk to him or listen to what he'd have to say, he's already got his mind made up about it and that's how it was going to stay.

Laura rolled her eyes, making annoying scratching noises on the plate with her fork, irritating Charles further. "This again Charles? When will you learn to let it go?" It really annoyed her how Charles always brought this up, obviously trying to make her feel bad for having a relationship with her son. Though it was partially her fault that Louis and Charles' relationship deteriorated, she still didn't seem to care. In her eyes Louis made his decision and chose to believe whatever he wanted to believe so there shouldn't be a reason to hold grudges. But it wasn't fair for Charles to suffer consequences for wanting justice for his son.

"Never Laura. I will never let it go because  _I miss my son._  I miss our relationship and everything we did together. I hate that we can't even be in the same room as each other without him feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable. I still can't believe you just-"

"Don't you dare put the blame on me." Laura tossed her fork onto her plate, leaning back in her chair and crossed her arms.

Charles chuckled folding his newspaper against the table and gathered his dirty dishes. "It's funny how you don't want me to point the blame to you, which is rightfully so, but you let Louis put the blame on me." Standing from the table with two full hands, Charles pushed the chair in with his knee and walked towards the sink.

"What was I supposed to do Charles? Try to convince him against his already made up mind?" Laura's mood shifted to something much softer, but she was still angry. She turned around in her seat to look at her husband who had his back towards her.

"You could've told him the truth." He threw his dishes in the sink, thankfully not breaking anything. "Or you could've at least had the courtesy of telling him it was a team effort." He walked back to the dining room to grab his briefcase and made his way to the door. "Bye, I'll see you tonight," Charles said before shutting the door closed with force.

The couple never really had marital issues, they still don't. Everything goes pretty smoothly except the situation with their son. That's the only thing they argued about now because Charles wants his relationship with his son back and Laura doesn't seem to care. She never encourages Louis to talk or try to forgive his father, never. Charles doesn't even care for the forgiveness, hell, he just wants to be able to be in the same room as his son for more than five minutes.  
  
  


Louis walked down his driveway and across the lawn to grab the bin that got blown over by the wind last night to bring it back to the spot it rested in. He dragged it to the side of his house and pushed it against the wall, dusting his hands off by sliding them across each other a couple times and wiping them on the sides of his joggers. His eyes darted across the street for a quick second before returning to the ground as he walked to school. Harry was no where in sight so maybe Louis could finally have a peaceful walk.

There was no problem with Harry tagging along with Louis on the way to school but that was the only time (it seemed) that he was able to relax. The walk to school was always his zen time where he didn't have those demeaning or haunting thoughts that put him into a poopy mood or thoughts about that stupid boy that lived across the street from him that made him feel weird. "Hiya Louis," he heard Harry say from behind him. He sighed heavily, closing his eyes when he felt a hand on his shoulder. The sudden contact made every single muscle in his body tense and his walking to halt. "Sorry, it slipped my mind for a second," Harry said as he removed his hand from Louis' shoulder. "Sorry for being late, I'm not used to waking up this early to walk to school."

"Well, feel free to drive yourself to school then, no one's forcing you to walk." Louis pushed passed Harry, avoiding contact and continued his walk to school.

"Ooo, sassy. Who would've known?" Harry picked up his speed to meet up with Louis. It honestly pissed Louis off how Harry never took anything to heart and instead as a lighthearted joke. Like seriously, Louis has done nothing but turn him down day after day and here he is still trying to spark up a casual conversation. "How could I leave my dear friend to walk alone to school?"

"You're not my friend Harry," Louis sighed grabbing onto the straps of his backpack.

"Hm, well I may not be your friend, but you're mine." Realization came over him as he looked over to Louis with an insulted expression spread across his face. "Speaking of friends, you never accepted my friend request." He pretended to be hurt furrowing his eyebrows and the biggest fake frown. Louis couldn't help but give an almost silent giggle, still loud enough for Harry to hear. "Was that I laugh I just heard?"

Louis calmed down, silently scolding himself for laughing because he shouldn't be laughing, he never laughs. After composing himself he pretended like he didn't know what Harry was talking about saying, "what friend request?" He looked at Harry with matching furrowed brows. Louis was quite the actor so if he was caught in the act he'd for sure drop theatre right now.

"The one I sent you on Facebook? And the follow request on Instagram. And Twitter? It was a bit ago."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're stalking me," he joked. Good thing Harry looked away for a second as they crossed the street because Louis smiled ever so slightly, but his face was flushed with internal anger because what was he doing? He doesn't smile, or laugh, or even  _talk_  to anyone or anything. Why was he doing it now when he's not even friends with this strange boy? The strange boy who's persistent enough to keep trying to be Louis' friend even after numerous times of rejection. It was like nothing bad ever effected him. That or Harry was desperate to be his friend which Louis thought was absolutely ridiculous so he ruled that one out.

"So what if I am? Not like you give me the time of day anyway." He looked away pretending to be hurt (like in those telenovelas Harry likes to watch even if he doesn't understand what they're saying).

"And my mum calls  _me_  the dramatic one?" Louis rolled his eyes, gearing his attention to the trees and houses next to him.

"So, what's up with that? You're too cool for me Louis? Is that it?" Instantly, Louis scrunched his eyebrows in confusion. Seriously, Harry made zero sense to Louis and he didn't think he'd be able to understand him, at all. Even if he was just messing around, the fact he still tries to talk to him is so bizarre. It's like he doesn't listen to anything people tell him about Louis. Like he doesn't know that everyone acts like he's the Black Plague: they try to avoid him at all costs.

"Yeah, that's it," Louis scoffed. "Don't have social media, not anymore at least; deleted them. I never used it and it's not like people care about my life anyway." He gazed towards the ground, dragging his feet across the pavement and his head hanging in shame. No, he didn't care that no one cared about him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't upset him that no one did.

"If I told you I cared about your life would you download them again and follow me back?" Louis looked at him so flabbergasted, like someone would if they saw an alien. He really shouldn't be this surprised by now but he so was. Never in his life has he ever met anyone like Harry. Someone as beautiful as him shouldn't be wanting to be friends with someone like Louis, unless- yup, that's it. That has to be it. Maybe Harry isn't desperate to be Louis' friend, but desperate for whatever prize Zayn and his friends have betted on how fast he could befriend and then break him. The thought truly upset Louis because he was actually contemplating on befriending the strange curly haired boy. It was a funny feeling but he thought it was only because someone was actually paying attention to him and he couldn't help but feel special? "Why are you frowning? Did I say something wrong?" Louis snapped out his thoughts, looking up at the taller boy.

For only a second did Louis glance at how Harry's eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes seemed to be filled with worry. He looked away trying to decipher if it was genuine or an act. You'd think that he'd be good at detecting false implications but apparently his senses weren't that strong. "No yeah 'm fine, I just- um, you're- what were y-you saying?"

"Are you sure? If I did something wrong that's bothering you please let me know so I don't do it next time; I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable." Louis found that funny yet heartwarming because Harry always made him uncomfortable. Not necessarily on purpose or in a bad way, just Louis didn't like interacting with anyone hence his uncomfortability. Now you can see the battles Louis goes through every single day. He doesn't want to believe that Harry's intentions are real but at the same time he hopes they are.

"Yes, I-I'm fine. What were you saying?

"Are you sure? You can tell me off if you'd like." Louis bit down on his bottom lip shaking his head, silently disagreeing. Harry only nodded, admiring the faint smile that played behind Louis' teeth. Even if he didn't want to admit it, Harry could tell that Louis was slowly letting his guards down. It may not seem like much, since he's interacting like a normal human being but that's a lot for Louis and Harry could sense that. Not too long after Harry continued his rant. "Okay, good. I just said we could send each other memes, or fail videos, or pictures of kittens." The last word sounded as though it just popped into his head, seeming very fond of it. "Oh yeah, pictures of kittens, I like that idea."

"For a guy as big as you are, you sure are very fond of kittens." Louis couldn't help but smile. Harry was this giant guy with broad shoulders, big hands, and long legs (not that Louis was looking or anything). Was it a shock that he was fond of kittens? Slightly. Yeah he was this tall charming guy who was popular and had beauty from out of this world, but at the same time he was this very cheeky dork whenever he was around Louis.

"What can I say? Kittens make me soft." Harry clapped his hands together and brought them to his chest making a face full of awe. After a few seconds of being lost in thought about kittens, he gasped, snapping his head towards Louis with a big smile. "You remind me of a kitten."

Louis' face flushed a deep red. The butterflies in his stomach multiplied as he fought the smile that tried to fight its way onto his face. This has to be the most he's smiled in years and it's only been a few minutes. "No, I wouldn't say that."

"Oh, but I would. How can you not see it? The soft, fluffy hair, soft features, you're tiny, and you don't care but you do, you know? Like people talk you and you're just like," Harry looked forward, trying to mimic Louis' expression by drooping his face and shoulders. It kind scared Louis how sad Harry could look because he's only seen happy Harry and he honestly didn't want to see any other version of him. But it only lasted for a few seconds before he was smiling again. Louis frowned slumping his shoulders forward and sighed, kind of how Harry demonstrated. "Yeah, just like that!" Harry laughed lightly.

He sighed again, huffing, "Is that really what I look like or does it look more exaggerated when you do it since you're always happy?"

"I mean, no offense but yeah. From the day I met you that's been your normal, resting face. Not that it's a bad thing. I think you look very pretty no matter what,  _but_  I think you'd look even prettier always having that smile on your face."

Louis' face flushed again from the compliment. "Don't call me that," he whispered softly, shrinking into himself. He hated compliments because he felt as though he didn't deserve them because he wasn't anything worth complimenting. And what're you supposed to do after someone compliments you? Compliment them back? Say thank you? Awkwardly stand there not saying anything because you have poor social skills and don't know how to interact with people? Definitely the last one.

"What? Why not?"

"There's many reasons."

"Okay, give me one."

He really never gives up, does he? "I mean, I'm a boy."

"Yeah and a very pretty one at that." The word 'pretty' sounded odd coming from his mouth.

"Boys can't be pretty." Louis was never a masculine person, nor did he really agree with gender roles/stereotypes. And he didn't mean 'boys can't be pretty' as in no boys are pretty because there were boys he even thought were pretty, he thought Harry was pretty. He meant boys like him can't be pretty: boys who were damaged and broken. How can someone with so much baggage and a haunting past possibly be pretty?

"Then I'm going to have a chat with your mum and congratulate her on having the first pretty boy in England and probably the world." Harry watched as Louis shook his head in disagreement, rolling his eyes. There's no way that someone as pretty as Louis is trying to say otherwise.

They reached the foot of the steps to the courtyard. Louis looked up to Harry to see he was already looking at him and blushed. "I'll see you around," Louis whispered walking up the steps, leaving Harry behind.

"Hey Louis?" From the top of the steps Louis turned around. "At least download Instagram? Kitten pictures." Harry waggled his eyebrows with a cheeky smile.

Louis couldn't stop the smile from appearing on his face. Yeah, this boy will never give up. "Not a chance Styles." Louis walked into the building leaving Harry alone, smiling to himself.

"Styles," Harry whispered to himself walking towards the tables as he does every morning. He wasn't close to where his friends were sitting and he could hear Niall's cackle vibrating off the school walls. That sound warmed Harry's heart every time he heard it because how can you not love it? It most the most obnoxious but still wonderful laugh. That alone easily put Niall high on Harry's 'list'. Out of everyone in his group of friends Niall had to be his favorite (Monet doesn't count but even if she did Niall would still be his favorite). He's so sweet and kind and loving and cute and  _ugh_ , just so amazing. Niall's also the nicest one out of them (before Harry) so that may be why he gravitated more towards him.

"Harry! How was yesterday? Did you feel sick?" Once Harry was in reach, Niall flung his arms around the taller boy's shoulders (Yeah, Harry was Niall's favorite as well).

Harry smiled remembering yesterday morning with Louis. He doesn't remember feeling sick partially because Louis was medicine in and of himself or a very good distraction. Yesterday morning, for some reason, was a turning point for Louis. This was the first time Louis has spoken to him on the way to school and it was a a big deal for him. He actually held a conversation and it could've been his mood being a bit better than the other days but he genuinely felt like Louis was possibly considering the friendship. "I was okay, just a killer headache but nothing too bad."

"Seriously? You were fucking pissed and you only had a headache? How is that even possible?" Harry sat next to his friend, letting his arm rest on his shoulders.

Harry shrugged, bobbing Niall's arm in the process. "Dunno, I guess I've found the best remedy to cure all the impurities of life." Yes he was talking about Louis, and no he wasn't afraid to admit it.

"What is it?" Niall whispered leaning closer to Harry.

Harry leaned in as well, closing the space between the two of them. He took a big inhale to intrigue Niall more only to say, "I can't tell you." The look on his face was pure disappointment making Harry burst into laughter.

"Wha- why not?" Niall pouted.

"It's a secret," Harry smirked leaning his head on Niall's shoulder.

"It doesn't have to be."

"Yes it does." He wasn't embarrassed, no, that's not why he didn't want to tell Niall. The reason he wants to keep it secret is simply because Louis doesn't seem to be fond of this group or anyone really and even though Niall was super sweet, he didn't know how he felt about Louis.

"Why? What if I'm having a really bad hangover after being plastered the night before? You still wouldn't give me your secret recipe?"

"Nope, sorry Ni. I would but I can't guarantee the same results." Harry lifted his head when he felt a tap on his bicep.

"Hey," Monet said softly with a smile on her face.

"Hey Mo," Harry smiled back grabbing hold of her hand.

"Secrets don't make friends Harry." He really did love to tease Niall because he got upset easily since he was such a softie.

"It kind of sucks that we're already friends, doesn't it Niall?"

"We'll see for how long more since you want to keep things from me." He removed his arm from Harry's shoulder and crossed them over his chest to pout.

"You're not getting rid of me anytime soon lover boy, we're bound for life." Harry interlocked his pinky with Niall's wiggling it in front of him.

"Let go of me you twat," Niall huffed shoving Harry's hand away, amusing him even more.

"Hey don't call my boyfriend names you leprechaun," Monet budded in, reaching across Harry to punch Niall's arm.

"Oh, well isn't it the couple that both fantasize to shag me. What's it now? You've changed your minds and have teamed up to be rude to me?" Niall hit Monet back scooting away from Harry.

"We don't fantasize about it," Monet and Harry said at the same time.

"Sure, you don't. You probably have weird discussions about a threesome with me, but let me tell you now: it's never going to happen. You both are sick." Niall scoffed grabbing his backpack before leaving the table.

"Let's head inside yeah?" Monet awkwardly suggested, ignoring everything Niall just said, with Harry nodding in agreement not too long after.

They walked with their hands swinging back and forth between them. "I'm glad you're doing okay after Saturday night. Sorry for not following up yesterday, I was caught up with some things." And by some things he meant with Louis in the morning and then spending hours on finding the perfect card to give to him and then another few to decide whether or not flowers would be a bit overwhelming. Speaking of, Harry made a note to himself to ask if Louis got the card or not.

"You're fine, I was busy recovering anyway. Glad to see Niall brought you home safe and sound. Anything fun happen between you two?" Her eyebrows raised in suspicious curiosity.

"Uh, no. I don't think so, he just brought me home. We sang and chatted along the way, but it was mostly me," Harry chuckled remembering how much of a good time he was having compared to Niall's irritation because he was being quite annoying.

Monet nodded her head pursing her lips and raising her eyebrows. "That's quite funny because Niall told me about your guy's kiss, both of them."

Harry slapped his forehead, shaking his head followed by a roll of his eyes. "Of course he would."

"So you kissed him," Monet instigated.

"Well technically he kissed me because he was the one who leaned in both times. However," Harry stuck his pointer finger out chuckling along with his girlfriend. "I did turn my head last minute so he could kiss me."

She didn't care about the kiss, why would she? She knew Harry was straight[-ish] (she had her suspicions) so there was so reason to be upset about it. They've had conversations about how neither would really care if they kissed someone of the same gender because a kiss is just a kiss (they're relationship was quite unique). "I can't believe you cheated on me and with Niall."

"Oh shut up, I did not cheat, you're just jealous that I got to kiss him and you didn't."

"That's true." Monet mock frowned. "I wish I can cheat on you with Niall."

Harry laughed pulling her closer. "How about I give you a free pass, but I have to be present when it happens." Very unique relationship.

"I wasn't present when you kissed Niall."

"Yeah, but Niall is as straight as they come so you have nothing to worry about. I can't let those baby blue eyes steal you away from me." Monet playfully rolled her eyes in amusement. "Speaking of beautiful blue eyes, hey Louis."

"Hi Louis," Monet beamed at him causing Louis to tense from the unfamiliar voice. Harry didn't enjoy the fact that Louis tensed but he did smile that it wasn't from his voice.

Louis' eyes traveled from his book to the couple's interlocked fingers to their faces. "Hi," Louis said softly immediately diverting his eyes.

Harry reached forward, letting go of Monet's hand to brush against Louis' arm. "Hey," he whispered when Louis tensed more. "Everything alright?"

Monet watched how soft and gentle Harry was with Louis. It was honestly so cute and touching, she admired him for taking the initiative she never got to do and befriend Louis. But it was never too late. "Hey, I'll see you fourth period, yeah?" Harry nodded, letting her walk away after placing a kiss on her cheek. Louis watched, flinching away from the two who stood in front of him.

"Louis," Harry sighed once Monet walked off. "Is everything alright?"

"I'm fine Harry, why do you always ask?" Louis shut his locker, fully facing Harry with noticeably more comfortable body language.

"Just want to make sure you're doing okay, is that so bad?" Harry wasn't irritated nor was he getting an attitude, he was only curious.

"It shouldn't be."

"Then why make it?"

"Because I'm Louis Tomlinson and I make everything more complicated than it should be."

"You're telling me," Harry chuckled as Louis rolled his eyes, walking away. "Hey, let me walk you to your first lesson." He jogged to catch up with Louis, walking to his right. "So what's first on your schedule?"

"Psychology."

"That's the brain and stuff, right?" Louis nodded, pushing himself against the wall. "Why that class?"

"What do you mean?" Louis scrunched his eyebrows and looked up at Harry who he just realized is so much taller than him, but wasn't everyone?

"I mean, as seniors we get to choose whatever class we want to take, other than maths and English and that government bull. So why'd you choose psychology?"

Louis shrugged trying to find words to say, nothing seeming to come out. "I uh, I-I don't know, um-"

"Hey, there's no need to be uneasy love, it's just me. Well and hundreds of others but don't pay any mind to them, just focus on me, yeah?"

Louis nodded his head in a seemingly frustrated and self deprecating way because of his lacking ability to be social. "I um, I don't know. I guess I just like to know about the thing that makes my every decision."

"So you made a decision to take a lesson to learn about the thing that makes all your decisions. Sounds pretty conceited on behalf of your brain, you know, wanting to learn about itself and all." Louis hated that he laughed. It was pretty stupid but honestly true and he'd hate to admit that. Also quite humerus that his brain was telling him to learn about itself. "Completely random, but before I forget, did you get me card? I taped it to your postbox because we don't get mail on Sundays and I wanted you to see it."

"Um, yeah, I-I got it," Louis mumbled, his cheeks tinting rose. And it was also in his backpack right now because if today was going to be hard, maybe the card would cheer him up. Stupid? Maybe, but for some reason it made him very jittery inside.

"Okay good," Harry responded in relief.

"Thank you. F-for the card I mean."

"No need to thank me, I should be thanking you, duh. I wasn't lying when I said I appreciated it and we truly should chat more. I'd love to hear your viewpoint on things."

"This looks to be my stop." Louis changed the subject, shying into himself, sinking against the wall.

"Louis? Can you look at me for a second?" The small boy flashed his eyes up for a second before directing them back down. "What're you doing love? Look at me," Harry chuckled, gently tapping on Louis' shoulder. "Hello? Anyone home?"

Louis smiled wide, contracting his head down towards his chest. "You said only for a second," Louis said through giggles.

"There's no need to be a little smarty pants." Harry poked all over Louis' torso making him squirm with giggles. The bell sounded through the halls, snapping Harry out of the moment the two just shared.

"It seems as though you have a class to get to Mr. Styles, it would be a shame if you were late," Louis smirked looking through his eyelashes to glance at the taller boy who absolutely died at the sight.

"You're killing me Louis Tomlinson. Just know I absolutely adore you." He booped Louis' nose, before turning around to head to his class. Louis watched as Harry turned around to say something else, of course. When does he ever run out of words to say? "Few things I want to say: Firstly, thank you for the quick chat, it was quite lovely and I greatly appreciate it. Secondly, I really like this side of you, very feisty and so sassy. Thirdly, I'll be waiting for you after third lesson so please don't keep me waiting." And with that he disappeared into the crowd leaving Louis with so many emotions; most of which he didn't know what to do with so he just let them subdue him.  
  


 


	10. do you have so much pride that you can't even admit you have guilt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmfao sooooooo... i'm on vacation y'all. i couldn't be bothered to write a good chapter so i hope you're not mad at two shitty chapters in a row. and i think i got food poisoning so that's lovely. because of that i took a day's break of venturing out into the world, slept all day and spent some time in the bathroom. in between those times i decided to write and edit a bit. in the midst of editing this chapter i lost total interest so if the end of the chapter is wonky i apologize. i also hope it's not hard to read but i also hope you enjoyed and will continue reading (:

mood: i'll be there- jackson five

 

** Wednesday, September 12th 7:03 am **

It was a lonely morning. Niall picked Harry up despite his refusals because he really did enjoy walking with Louis. But Niall being Niall, he forced him in the car anyway, leaving Louis to walk alone. Not like it was a bad thing, it's what he was used to anyway, being alone and all, and he's glad he didn't get too dependent on Harry's presence. He predicted there'd be an empty space where he'd walk next to him but everything felt normal, like nothing changed. Now he finally got the peaceful walk he was asking for a few days ago, glad that today was the day that Niall picked Harry up because today just wasn't the day to be bothered. Not that he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, he simply wasn't in the mood to talk or put effort into attempting to converse.

He's also never been one to talk, even before all of his trauma he wasn't much of a talker unless you spoke to him first. He kept to himself most of the time, waiting for others to interact with him because he never wanted to bother someone if they weren't in the mood to talk. From a young age Louis' been very cautious of the way he's interacted with people, not insecure but cautious. There was never any fear (until recently) in interacting with anyone really. He's always been confident and outgoing (an introverted extrovert) but that doesn't automatically mean he's going out to talk to anyone and everyone he can.

So with Harry gone, he can finally clear his head and have a therapeutic walk. It was quiet besides the constant, but soothing, chirping from the morning birds. The sun was shining and a cool breeze blew through his hair. For the awkward stage between summer and fall, it was such a beautiful morning, almost too beautiful. Nevertheless, Louis soaked it all in, allowing his mind to focus on the beginning of the leaves changing, the plants slowly dying, the half-risen sun, and the cooling down of the breeze. For once his mind didn't wander to his negative and haunting thoughts and  _wow_  did he feel better. He never really had time to forget everything and focus on the little things in life. Temporarily letting go of everything for those ten or so minutes Louis had to walk to school felt uplifting until he reached the footsteps of his school. Everything returned. The pain, the fear, the sadness, the thoughts.  _Those_ thoughts.

No matter how hard he tried those thoughts seemed to creep back to him. After eleven years he's still afraid of walking into the school that's tainted him through the years, scared his schoolmates would know what he's been through. Not even he could stomach it, how could other people? If they found out there'd be no doubt that the bullying and teasing would intensify. As he walked through the doors with his head hanging low and his body pushed against the wall, Louis trudged his way to his locker. A few people bumped into him both on accident and on purpose but he made it to his locker right when the bell rang.

He sighed because he didn't think his walk took as long as it did, but he quickly unlocked his locker to grab the necessary books when a piece of paper fell when the door opened. A small, folded piece of paper circled its way down right next to Louis' feet. He picked it up, examining it carefully. It wasn't anything new for him to receive notes in his locker, he used to get them all the time in his earlier years of high school, as it has slowed down a bit since then. People liked to taunt him even further because their actions just weren't enough to push Louis farther into the ground. But the familiar, pretty cursive calmed the nerves that appeared when his foot reached the school's property. The word  _Kitten_  was beautifully placed on the jagged-edged paper, written between two lines. Unfolding the paper, the note read:

_Hey Louis, I hope you don't mind me calling you kitten because I really like it. You probably do hate it but I don't care, I think it suits you really well. But anyway, I wanted to apologize for leaving you by your lonesome this morning. Niall picked me up and I told him to scram; that I had a much better way of getting to school (aka with you) but he wouldn't budge. I hope you don't hate me. I promise to make it up to you sometime. You probably don't care and I'm just making a fool out of myself BUT I want you to know that I missed our walk this morning and I hope your day is going to be wonderful. And who knows, maybe I'll see you later. Bye for now._

_All the love,_  
_Harry xx_

Today was supposed to be a day where Louis got to drag himself around and haul through the day just like he used to do. He honestly missed those days (to an extent), where nobody bothered him and he could carry on with his day and endure a few pushes and tugging words. By no means did he like it nor did he truly  _miss_  being treated the way he was but he did miss being unbothered where he didn't have to pretend to be okay when he wasn't. He wasn't okay and everyone could see that. He missed soaking in his darkness all day and not having to put effort in trying to hide his darkness. But for some reason, some way, Harry does nothing and yet Louis feels better and he loathes it, he really did. All he wanted was a day's break to mope and Harry never left Louis a chance to forget about his existence. He hated how Harry would pretend like everything is fine when he knew deep inside that Louis is falling apart. He hated Harry's persistence, kindness, and generosity that gave him a tingly feeling in his tummy when it didn't belong. And he hated the stupid, stupid smile that flickered on his face as he walked to his first lesson.

** 11:41 pm **

It was lunch time and Harry made his way down to the cafeteria. He's gained a lot of popularity for someone who's new at the school. Girls stared and whispered to one another (yes, like the movies), jocks came up to give him a bro-hug (you know, the one where the slap hands and do that pat on the back thing) or slap him on the shoulder as they walked by. He wasn't one to be cocky or act like he was something but he did appreciate everyone accepting him since he was new and it could be scary coming to a new town towards the end of your high school career.

Almost to the cafeteria, he spotted Louis putting books into his locker looking quite upset. Harry frowned and walked closer to the lockers, wanting to make the strain in Louis' face go away. "Hi Tomlinson, download Instagram yet? I've sent a few cat videos to you already." He walked to his side of the locker so that he could face Louis with a smile.

"Tomlinson?" Louis questioned with furrowed brows.

"Yeah, thought we were on a last name basis. Or is that only for you since I'm not your friend?" Harry mock frowned.

"Yeah, it's only for me since you're not my friend," Louis laughed, internally yelling. Again, this wasn't supposed to happen. Today was to be a frowning, moping day but of course not. Is that even achievable when Harry's around? He grabbed a different set of books and stuffed them into his bag.

Harry watched as Louis exchanged his books, carefully examining the struggle apparent on his face. It looked to be confliction and possibly anger. "Is everything alright? When I was walking over here you looked upset. I know I'm new and scary but you can trust me Louis. I'm really trying here." Harry leaned against his own locker, facing Louis and trying to, wanting to get trust into him. This friendship was all Harry wanted and he didn't even know why, but a friendship can't work unless both parties are trusting in one another.

For Louis, it was hard to believe that Harry  _really_  wanted to gain trust for reasons other than selfish. Or maybe that was him wanting to be negative because he seemed oddly ready to trust Harry but wouldn't allow himself to. "'m fine, just a few things on my mind."

"Care to share?" Harry bit his lip, hoping he wasn't prying too much, he tended to do that a lot. He wanted everyone to be okay and happy but was unaware of any possible boundaries that they might have.

"If you're here in a few months, maybe I'll consider it," wasn't what Louis was planning on saying but it slipped out his mouth, surprising both Harry and himself. He wanted to say no but instead he admitted to wanting a friendship with Harry and nothing could be worse than that stupid grin creeping on Harry's face.

"Looks like you're never getting rid of me sugar," Harry smiled and watched Louis struggle to find something at the bottom of his backpack. "How about we hangout sometime and then after that you decide whether or not you want to be my friend." Harry smirked.

"I don't know Styles, first you're stalking me, now you're inviting me to hangout? Are you planning on killing me?" Looks like the moping is a failed plan and he's going to talk as if he wasn't just thinking about dying.

"You ruined the surprise!" Harry pouted. "Now I'll have to reschedule."

Louis giggled. "I don't know, I'm pretty busy."

"Doing what? Homework and watching sappy movies?" Harry teased.

"You caught me." Louis put his hands up in defense.

"We could do that together. I need some help with my homework anyway. A movie after seems like a pretty good reward if you ask me."

Louis looked past Harry with a small, closed-mouth smile and his eyes fell on Zayn. Louis instantly stiffened a little and his face dropped. He got awkward again, becoming fidgety and nervous. "I- um, I gotta go. I'll uh, I'll see you around." Louis shut his locker and walked away.

"Louis w-" Harry went to reach out for Louis but jumped when an arm wrapped around his shoulders. He looked to his side to see Zayn with an annoyed face. "Zayn, hey."

"What are you doing Styles?" They started to walk towards the cafeteria. Harry looked at Zayn weird. "What are you doing talking to the fag?"

Harry cringed from the derogatory remark. "Excuse me? He has a name, Louis." He shrugged out of Zayn's arm in disgust. They're living in a generation of new discoveries and monumental world changes whether it be something as small as metal straws to something as big as advances in medical technology and knowledge and there are people who care about someone's  _personal_  preferences. There's bigger things to worry about like global warming and gun violence but people are too focused on boys liking boys or girls who like girls.

"Hm, okay then. What the fuck are you doing talking to  _Louis_?" he said exaggerating Louis' name. They sat down at a round lunch table on the stage. Well, it wasn't a stage but you did have to take a few steps to get to the platform. "That's like total social suicide."

Harry plopped on the seat getting angrier as the conversation went on. "He's a nice person, there's no need for the crude name, Z. Maybe you should give him a chance." Harry scoffed rummaging through his backpack for his lunch.

Zayn laughed hard- possibly way too hard. "You ca- you can't be serious right now," he said through laughter.

"Zayn quit it," Niall said, taking a bite of the food he bought.

"What? You can't blame me for thinking that was funny. He's a joke. Louis' a fucking joke, and on top of that, he's a queer." The words sounded too casual coming off his lips with absolutely no care of how disrespectful it was.

Harry angrily packed up his lunch, shoving it into his backpack and stormed off without saying a word. Monet stood up packing her things as well. "Grow up Zayn, for fuck's sake, grow up. It's getting old." She chased after Harry, taking small, hurried steps.

"Low blow, Zayn, that just wasn't right," Niall said shaking his head.

"Seriously? Is it the world against Zayn day?" he sighed taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"Leave the poor kid alone, he's never done anything to you."

"You don't know shit Niall, mind your own fucking business."

"I know just as much as you do Z. Stop parading around in your pride and stop to think about the hell you've created for him. It's not funny anymore, it never was. Louis was a nice guy, he probably still is, and you've completely crushed him. Doesn't that put a bad taste in your mouth at all? Or do you have so much pride that you can't even admit you have guilt? Or are you so heartless that you don't have any guilt?"

Zayn rolled his eyes, swallowing his food. "You know exactly what he did Niall, don't act so oblivious for once. You- you know what? Never mind, this is pointless." He continued to eat his food along the others who sat at the table in an awkward silence, the tension growing thicker as seconds passed.  
  


Harry walked through the halls, feet heavy. "Harry wait up." He slowed down enough to let Monet catch up, but never halted. She stood in front of him to get him to stop walking. "What's wrong?" She grabbed his hands, playing with his fingers.

He wrapped his fingers around hers, pressing their foreheads together. Harry closed his eyes and spoke softly. "He shouldn't talk about Louis like that, or anyone like that in general. Louis' really nice, well when he wants to be," he laughed which sounded more of a huff of air.

"He still hasn't budged?" Monet giggled, slightly amused. "You guys aren't friends yet?"

"What? Are you going to bash me as well for trying?" He opened his eyes and studied her face, expression soft.

She pulled away shaking her head a bit. "No, no, of course not. I think it's sweet, he could use some friends."

"Then why haven't you done anything?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows. He cares so much about Louis and they weren't even close to friends. From the day he met the tiny boy, there was nothing more Harry wanted than tranquility in Louis' life.

"I've tried a couple times, but he doesn't really seem to like me all that much." She laughed lightly.

"Tell me about it; he always rejects me it's starting to hurt." They started to walk further from the cafeteria, their arms swinging between them. "He seems interesting, like 'you seem cool and I wanna get to know you and be your friend' interesting, not like a science experiment interesting where all you do is poke around at him, testing him to see how far he goes."

She looked at him. "He doesn't want to be your friend?"

Harry laughed, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know, I've only known him for less than a month and I've never worked so hard for something. I feel like he does, but he's scared. Scared of me, or trusting people, I don't know. Or scared of people? He's always so tense, especially around Zayn, which I can see why now. I mean I understood because of the whole friend thing but now it makes a lot more sense." He paused. "I can see that he's gotten more comfortable with me from the first time we met. He talks a bit more and I've even heard him laugh." Harry smiled and looked down to his feet. "He deserves a chance."

"I think you're right." Harry looked up to look at Monet. "I guess it makes me a bad person for finally realizing it after knowing him since middle school, but you're right. It took someone that just moved here a little over a month ago to make realize that. You're a good guy Harry." She looked at him fondly. "This school was in need of someone like you."

"There's nothing special about wanting people to be happy." He smiled. "Everyone deserves to be happy."

** 3:02 pm **

School was finally over, Louis' favorite part of the day; school wasn't bad, just the people he wasn't fond of. He got to go home and finally rid of the demons that haunt him in the halls, unfortunately leaving him with the demons of his past. School was a nice temporary distraction from everything inside his head but you can't run from the inevitable. Regardless, he always powered through it despite the struggle. He was strong and he knew that even if he did forget it at times. He's been through so much, it's hard not to be strong.

Walking to his locker, he was able to walk freely instead of being pressed against the wall since he always waited in either the bathroom or library for people to flood out. This was solely because he liked to walk calmly and peaceful once the stressful day was over. Even when he wouldn't go to his locker he'd still wait because he hated being surrounded by people when he wanted to go home (it was sort of a paranoia thing). He made it to his locker and exchanged a few books as quickly as he could. Usually he could make it out in time before one of the stragglers bumped into him and teased him but looks like today wasn't one of those days.

There was a shove against the back of his left shoulder, pushing him into his locker. The metal door knocked him in the head, instantly giving him a headache. Louis squeezed his eyes as he placed his hand over the area his locker hit him in. "Watch it, yeah?" a boy scoffed at Louis as he walked by not caring if he was okay or not.

"I didn't do anything," Louis said through his teeth followed by other unintelligible words. There was something in Louis that was boiling, just like a few weeks ago. Again, he would've never ever talked back or spoke up for himself and yet he's doing it again. It was strange and it caught his schoolmate off guard but it was his senior year and he honestly was so fed up with everything. Nothing worse can happen so there's no risk in trying to say something.

"Oh look, he talks," the guy responded, turning around grinning like the joker. Louis stood there in shock not expecting to have been heard and scared because he was completely defenseless. Scratch when he thought saying nothing could be worse because it definitely could and he could see it coming. "You're looking real pretty Louis." These were the worst. You can punch him, kick him, anything; he'll take all of that instead of this. It's fine when people hit him or teased for how he dressed but when people make fun of him for something he can't change, it really hurts. Louis said nothing, he didn't even make eye contact. Now that he knew speaking would only make things worse, he kept his mouth shut and stuck it out. "Why are we shy now? You seemed to have words to say before."

Louis took a quick glance up from his feet, immediately recognizing the face and voice but not able to put a name to it. There was another boy next to him that Louis didn't recognize. He looked young, maybe a freshman? His stature was a lot smaller but definitely not daintier. Muscles hugged his body so well and- okay that's not important. "Oh, this is Louis?" he asked. Definitely a freshman.

"Yes grasshopper, it is. Now you know what he looks like you know what to stay away from." There was a flicker in the smaller boy's eyes that caught Louis' attention but he couldn't pin point what it was exactly.

The smaller boy looked at Louis questionably, conflicted on what to say. He didn't seem like someone to be rude but you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. "Y-you're gay?" Louis sighed, looking at his feet. He wanted nothing more but to shrink into himself, crawl under a rock, and die.

"Of course he is just look at him." Louis flinched when the taller boy's hand stroked his cheek, grazing his thumb across the cheekbone. His face closed in on Louis', making his heart pound uncontrollably fast. He tried to pull away but the boy pulled him closer. "Don't act like you don't like it, I know you do." Those words made Louis' body stiffen; was he at school or was he somewhere else? Those words rang a bell in his mind. He's heard those words before way too many times.

"P-please get off m-m-me," Louis begged, the words barely audible.

"Maybe we should just go Aiden." Aiden, that's who he was. Of course it was Aiden: stepbrother of none other than Zayn. A newer addition to the Malik family.

"We've only just begun, we can't possibly leave yet. So Louis, what do you like most about me? My hair? My face? My-" he stopped himself pressing his crotch against Louis' hipbone (he really is tiny isn't he?). Louis cringed, backing into his now closed locker. His eyebrows were scrunched and he looked ready to cry.

"Please," Louis squeaked, a tear falling from his eye.

"You don't like-"

"Hey," a voice boomed from down the hall. Louis didn't recognize the loud, deep yell he was almost grateful for before Aiden got closer.

Aiden looked up and rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about us, carry on with your day." He looked to Louis and smiled seeing another tear fall. "Don't cry baby, daddy's here now. You like that right?" He knew, he had to know.

"Get the fuck off him Aiden." The voice was getting closer and louder. Louis wasn't sure if he was scared of Aiden, the unknown voice, or both. Before he knew it Aiden was shoved off him and forcefully into the locker next to him. The second he was released Louis fell to his feet, wrapping himself into a ball and sobbed.

"Calm down H, he liked it." Aiden rolled his eyes, dusting himself off and trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah? So much he's fucking crying. Fuck off and leave." Harry looked down at Louis with so much pain. The soft, quiet sobs pained his heart. "Don't- don't ever talk to him again. I swear to god I'll hurt you Aiden."

Aiden said nothing and grabbed his friend, walking away. "See, being gay is contagious. He's turning Harry into a softie."

Harry ignored the remark and rushed to Louis. "Louis," he whined, "are you okay?" It was a dumb question because he obviously wasn't but he asked it anyway. "Louis." Harry placed his hand on Louis' shoulder and he flinched hard and screamed. "L-l-"

"Get off!" Louis screamed. "Get off, get off, get off," he repeated over and over getting softer as he did so and pulled at his hair.

"No. No, no, no. Don't do that love." Harry tried to grab Louis hands away from his scalp but he only flinched. "No one's going to hurt you. It's just me kitten. It's me, Harry. I'm not going to hurt you, I'd never hurt you. Please, please don't cry." Louis cried harder, curling into himself even more.

"Go away," he whispered between sobs. He's snapped out the nightmare that played through his head and he just wanted to be alone, too embarrassed to stop crying. "Please go."

"I can't do that love. I can't just leave, especially when you're not okay."  _I'm never okay._ "What'd he do to you?" Was the last thing Louis remembered hearing before he blacked out.

** 6:38 pm **

Louis woke up tucked in his bed surrounded in darkness, metaphorically and physically. He felt so exhausted and heavy where he couldn't even be bothered to move. His door creaked open, a yellow light streaming in. Louis turned his head towards the  door with hooded eyes. "Oh, Louis, hey. Y-you're awake. Um, well, I-I'll go get your mum."

"It's fine, you don't have to." He was too exhausted to deal with anything right now.

"Oh, um, o-okay. Well um, can I come in?" Louis shrugged and looked to the ceiling. "Everything okay son?" his dad walking into the room and turning the light on. His dad was never someone to get nervous or stutter his words. He's always had a strong male presence but the sensitive situation with his son he couldn't help it.

Again, Louis shrugged and sighed loudly. This was the first time he's had an actual conversation with his dad in years. "'m fine, feeling fine." Charles nodded along with Louis' words. "Why'd you open my door?" It wasn't supposed to come out defensive and harsh but he was still in defensive mode.

His dad understood and respected his tone so he spoke softly. "Was just checking in, making sure everything was okay. There was a note left by a Harry left on the counter saying you weren't doing too well so he brought you home. Said he would've stayed but he had an emergency to take care of."

Louis nodded because that did sound like something Harry would do. "And mum?"

"She just got here. She had a late day at work, but why don't you skip dinner and get some rest? I'll let her know that you're feeling better." Charles walked to the door and stopped. "Oh, he also wanted me to tell you he left a note on your nightstand in case you missed it." Louis looked to his left and there was a folded note, slightly opened.  _He loves writing notes, doesn't he?_

Charles turned the light off and closed the door when Louis softly said, "thanks dad." Yeah he smiled as he walked down the stairs.

Louis clicked on his lamp, sitting himself straight as he grabbed the note.  _Louis (:_ was written on the front. He opened it and read the chunky, rushed handwriting.

 _I know you probably think I write too many notes and I'd say you're write. (See what I did there? (; ) Anyway, first I'd like to apologize if I violated you and your personal space. You kind of just blacked out at school and I couldn't leave you there so I carried you home and went through your bag for your keys. I was going to take you to mine but I didn't want you to be uncomfortable or weirded out. I promise I only tucked you in and that's all, other than the carrying you_ _home bit_ _. I was going to stay but then I got a call so I'm sorry for not taking care of you entirely. But I hope you're doing okay and let me know if you are (or aren't) tomorrow morning because I really want to know. Also I told Niall to piss off and only pick me up when I ask him to (which is going to be never) so I hope you didn't miss me too much this morning. But anyway, feel better kitten. We'll talk more tomorrow. Sleep tight!_

 _Love,_  
_Harry xx_

Two notes in one day was a new record for both Louis and Harry. He's never written notes and Louis' never really received notes (ones that were nice). But it was nice and it was a nice change for Louis to go to sleep feeling slightly better and a slight smile appearing from nowhere.  



	11. what if i get us lost in the fog?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think the ending is really important and i would love feedback and comments about it. please and thanks xx

mood: lean on me- bill withers

 

** Thursday, September 13th 6:53 pm **

Since school starts at seven thirty Harry found no use in waking up early because why get to school sooner when you can sleep more? However, because of his pursuit of friendship with the stubborn boy from across the street, he's been waking up sort of early to accompany him on his walk to school. Harry always tried to get out before Louis because he knows that he won't wait for him. So waking up early for that didn't bother him. In fact, he really liked it. He still didn't wake up that early but it's the thought that counts.

With that in mind, after he checked the time he got out of bed in a rush, quickly getting dressed into black skinnies, a white tee, and black converse. There was no time for breakfast so when his mum offered him food he respectfully declined, heading out the front door and just like he predicted, Louis was a few houses down already heading to school. "I swear it's like he loves seeing me suffer," Harry said as he sped walk across the street to catch up with his neighbor. "Louis, wait up," he shouted. Louis didn't budge and he continued to walk normally. Once Harry finally caught up, walking alongside the small boy, Louis still didn't acknowledge him. Not a glance or greeting or gesture, not even a mumble. "Is everything alright? You're awfully quiet this morning." Still no response. "Hey." Harry stood in front of Louis to get him to stop but he only walked around him. "Louis wh-" he cut himself off and chased after the smaller boy. "Why're you mad at me? What did I do? You were talking fine yesterday. I just-"

"Not everything is about you," Louis mumbled under his breath not wishing to be heard. But he was and it surprised Harry, not expecting Louis to talk.

"No, of course it's not. I just want to know if you're upset from something I did yesterday. I'm sorry but can you please let me know what it is so I won't do it again?"

Louis stopped in his tracks and finally looked up at Harry. "Again? What do you mean again? There isn't going to be an again. This just- I- all of this," he motioned his hands in circles, "I can't do it, I'm done." He turned on his heel and walked away without caring how Harry felt.

Harry scrunched his eyebrows and frowned. "What do you mean you're done?" Harry asked following suit.

Again, Louis stopped to look at the tall boy in complete disbelief. Was he actually this dense? "I don't want to be your friend and I don't want you to be mine. So could you please leave me alone? For God sake just leave me be. I was fine before you came here and I'll be fine with you here but that doesn't mean I need you in my life. So stop trying to save me and use whatever this is on someone else because I'm tired of hearing it." Many emotions flooded Harry from shock to sadness to disbelief. This was the most Louis' ever spoken to him in one sitting, granted what he said wasn't very nice and the loudest he's ever heard him talk.

"W-what did I do wrong?" Harry asked sadly.

"God, can you just leave?" Louis snarled picking up his pace to get away from his neighbor, but Harry caught his wrist before he could get too far. "I just want to be left alone!"

Harry's mouth opened and closed a few times, not really knowing what to say. He blankly stared at Louis who was crossing his arms and doing his best attempt at a glare. (In all honesty it just made him look cute). "You're lying."

"Am I?" Harry nodded, raising his eyebrow as if testing Louis. "Care to elaborate?"

"Of course kitten," Harry smiled but Louis rolled his eyes. "Well first, you're making way too much eye contact like you're searching for my belief in your lies when you never hold eye contact." Louis furrowed his brows and relaxed a bit, taken aback. "You've also been swallowing a lot as a nervous tick and you pushed your fringe away at least four times." He hadn't realized he was doing any of those things and it threw him off even more that Harry caught on to it.

Louis' eyes squinted, his defensive mode switching back on. "What are you? A detective?" he snarled.

"No, but maybe I should become one." He examined the way Louis closed off his body as if he were sinking into himself, very guarded. "Aren't you tired of merely surviving? Don't you want to be alive? You keep trying to push me away when you need to push yourself to do things."

"You don't know anything about me Harry Styles."

"Yeah, thanks to you. If this were anyone else it wouldn't be this difficult and we'd probably be friends by now." The words slipped his mouth before he could stop himself and instant regret flooded him when he saw Louis soften and take a step back. As much as he'd hate to admit it, those words stung. He really hoped that Harry was different than everyone else but it looks like he was wrong.

"Great. Then why don't you leave me alone to go find them?" Louis didn't hesitate to begin walking again taking bigger and faster steps. He was only in a bad mood. People are allowed to have bad days but apparently to Harry, bad days don't exist.

"Wait, no, Louis. Please don't go." He chased after him, picking up his steps but Louis did the same when he heard Harry's get closer. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that. I don't actually think that."

"You obviously do if you said it."

"Okay, yeah, it's hard and frustrating at times but I don't hate it." Harry is much bigger than Louis but his long legs were failing him as he couldn't catch up. "I genuinely want to be your friend. I'm not trying to save you, I just want you to be happy." They were finally walking side by side, Louis never ceasing his quickened pace. "I'm not here for games Louis, I'm here for friendship. I just want you to see that."

Those words might've affected him if he weren't already upset with a few tears streaming down his face. "Leave me alone." And with that, Louis rushed into the school, disappearing into the crowd and leaving Harry alone.

"Fuck," Harry shouted a little too loud causing eyes to gaze at him. He stalked his way into the building to find Louis. This has been a routine he's fell into and he doesn't like at all. He's always looking for that boy and it does get tiring but he can't leave the conversation on a bad note.

"Woah, Harry. Everything alright?" Monet snuck out from the crowd grabbing on Harry's arm to stop him only for him to rip it away.

"Monet, not now," he said more aggressively than anticipated. "Sorry just- now's not the time. I'll see you later." He rushed down the halls in hopes of finding Louis but of course, like any other time, there was no luck. "God dammit." Harry punched his locker out of frustration and if he hurt his hand he wouldn't know until later when all the adrenaline cools down. He wasn't mad at Louis nor Monet. He was mad at himself for upsetting Louis because that was the last thing he wanted to do. The voice crack played over and over in his mind as he searched the halls.  _Leave me alone._ Each time the crack played through this mind so would a wince through Harry's body.

 

** 9:56 am **

Third lesson was finally over and Harry stayed put in his seat while everyone filed out of the room. Mr. Phillips would've made a remark if he were actually paying attention instead of shuffling through papers. Rather than spending all day searching for a boy who makes himself invisible to the world, it was a better idea to just wait until he made himself visible. So when the dismissal bell rang he crossed his arms over the desk and laid his head down on it. His mind was swarming with thoughts of Louis. All morning his mood wasn't the best and he wanted to go home. Just imagine upsetting a fragile, closed off boy after days and days and days of trying to earn trust. It truly shattered Harry and he really would do anything to take it back. "Nap time's over Mr. Styles, get out of Louis' seat," Mr. Phillips said snapping Harry out of his thoughts.

His head popped up from their laying position and he saw Louis looking down to his feet. "Louis, I- please?" He got out of the seat quickly to walk over to the small boy. Louis flinched away from him and that pained Harry go see that all the building trust was gone. He worked so hard to move past the flinching and tensing and now they're back to square one. "No, no, please Louis. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it."

"Harry, it's time to go to class," his teacher budded in, testing his patience. Louis walked passed Harry and plopped down on his seat.

"I'm on the brink of losing a friend here Mr. Phillips. So please, if you don't mind, I'd like to deal with this right now." He walked back to his seat where Louis was now sitting in. "Hey," Harry whispered, ducking to look at Louis. "I'm sorry, I really am. I shouldn't have said that." What Harry said wasn't necessarily all that bad but Louis was sensitive and those words made him feel like there was something wrong with him because he couldn't be normal. "If you don't forgive me now that's fine but we're neighbors so I'm still going to bother you until you do."

"Please leave," Louis muttered against his wrists trying to avoid eye contact with Harry. His mood today wasn't the best, not like it was different from any other day, but he has a good reason. Crying in front of people has always been a weakness for him. He hated crying in front of people and felt so embarrassed exposing his weaknesses. So when Harry saw him crying in the midst of a panic attack, there was no way he could recover from his embarrassment so he did what he does best: push people away.

"I can't do that sugar. I can't go on with my day knowing I upset you. This whole morning I've been upset just thinking about making you upset." Harry heard a soft sniffle coming from Louis causing butterflies to erupt in his stomach, and not the good kind. Guilt washed over him knowing he made Louis cry. "Come with me." He grabbed Louis' hand, tugging on it to get him to stand.

"Let me go." Louis tried to resist but Harry was so much bigger and stronger than him. "Stop it Harry."

"You're not crying in front of all of these people," he mumbled under his breath dragging Louis, who was stumbling over his feet, out of the room. Before the teacher could protest, they were down the hall making their way into the bathroom. The door was locked behind them which made Louis nervous but Harry was too preoccupied making his way to the big stall in the back of the restroom to notice. He sat Louis down on the seat, backing away so his back was against the stall door. The room was silent for a bit besides a few sniffles on Louis' part as he was calming down. "I'm sorry Louis. I never meant to hurt you. Those words just slipped because I was a bit frustrated because yesterday we were fine but this morning you were acting like I did something wrong. I really do care about you."

"Not everyone can have good days everyday," Louis mumbled behind his palms. He was too mentally drained to try to put a fight again.

"That's fine. I don't care if everyday is a bad day or if you only have one bad day a year, I just wish you'd talk to me. Especially when you're angry with me." Harry sighed taking a step closer to the fragile boy. "I just want to know what I did wrong. Can you at least tell me that and I promise I'll leave you alone. Well, I'll try to promise to leave you alone." The corner of his lips quirked up because he knew that wasn't true.

Louis huffed, humored by Harry because he knows that he won't be able to keep that promise. "I'm not angry with you." His voice was so soft and fragile it barely bounced off the walls, creating no echo. The bell rang signaling that class was starting but neither of the boys made a move. "You're late."

"I don't really care. Maths is terrible so I don't mind skipping." Harry sat at the front of the toilet seat, leaning back onto the wall. "Then what's wrong?" He looked up to examine Louis hoping his body language would give any hints to how he was feeling since he wasn't saying anything. The palms of Louis' hands were being pressed against his fingernails so hard the skin was turning white. "Hey, no no. Don't do that." He pried Louis' hands open and held them in his to stop him from his ticks.

"Why're you holding my hands?" Louis tried to pull away but Harry's grip was too strong. "Harry."

"Okay," Harry sighed loosening his grip, "promise you won't hurt yourself?" There was nothing he could do but nod and Harry released his hands. "So?" The room was silent as Harry intently watched Louis get lost in his mind. He could see the struggle he was trying to hide but didn't know if he should bring it up so he decided not to. Louis never expressed his struggles to Harry before so how would he know how to approach the situation? "Take your time, we could be here all day for all I care. I just don't want to leave you knowing we're not okay."

Louis sighed, pulling his knees to his chest and rested his forehead atop them. "We're fine."

"Then what's wrong?"

Should Louis really trust Harry? They've only met nearly a month ago and it's not like they're actual friends. Why should he trust and talk to someone who randomly shows up from nowhere, befriends people that hate him, and suddenly want to fix everything in his life? He shouldn't and full truth he didn't want to but as time went on the question went from why should he to why does he. "'m just embarrassed," he admitted.

"What? Why're you embarrassed?" Nothing chaotic enough happened for Louis to be embarrassed so Harry was genuinely confused.

"Yesterday."

Harry raised a brow. "What happened yesterday?"

It took everything in Louis to not scream because Harry seriously could be so idiotic at times. "I freaked out," he squeaked, face burning red from embarrassment.

"You didn't freak out love, you had an anxiety attack. That's completely normal; people panic sometimes and that's okay. Hey, listen to me. There's no reason to be embarrassed, not with me at least. No matter your highs and lows or the goods and bads, I want to be here to support you but that's only if you let me."

"Why do you want to be my friend so bad? You've got all this popularity and yet you're so persistent."

Harry shrugged leaning back against the wall. "You look like you're in need of a friend." Louis frowned because he didn't know he displayed himself as a complete loner who had absolutely no friends. "And you seem really cool. Like if we got to know each other it'd probably be the best friendship ever." Louis' lips flattened into a straight line, trying his best not to smile. No one has ever thought that of Louis, at least not recently, and he sure as hell has never had those words be said to him. "I really like you Louis and I don't even know why, but I do and I just wished you liked me back so we can get this friendship thing going."

"I don't hate you," Louis softly giggled, scolding himself for not staying upset.

The light noise was like music to Harry's ears. His face lit up, glad Louis was feeling a bit better. "But you don't like me," Harry laughed back.

"It's just hard." The lighthearted moment didn't last long and was now replaced with tension.

"That's okay, there's no rush kitten. I'm right here, see?" Harry reached up to boop Louis' nose.

"Stop it," Louis blushed, pushing Harry's hand away.

"Fine, fine." The bathroom was quiet for a few beats before Harry spoke up again. "Why're you embarrassed over the anxiety attack?" If it were even possible, Louis curled into himself more. As seconds pass, he stayed silent. There was no way he was going to release his demons to a stranger inside of a locked bathroom at school. After minutes of silence Harry got the hint that Louis wasn't going to talk so he dropped the subject and said, "Do you want to go back to class?" Louis nodded his head and Harry stood, sticking his hand out for help but was ignored. They walked back to Louis' class in silence which wasn't a surprise; Harry was used to the silence by now. The pair reached the door and before opening it he asked, "so we're okay?" Again, Louis nodded and Harry smiled. "Have fun in class kitten."

Louis opened the door and was escorted in by Harry, all eyes on him making him uncomfortable. But Harry's presence somehow someway made him feel okay. Louis sat in his seat and as Harry neared the door to go to his next class (he was planning on skipping) Mr. Phillips chased after him. "Harry?" The curly haired boy turned around, smiling softly. "Thank you for returning Louis in one piece." They both laughed lightly but Harry understood why he would say that. "Your actions won't go unnoticed."

"I hope so," Harry responded, glancing at Louis who was staring at the board with his chin resting on his arms against the desk. "I'll see you tomorrow teach." He turned on his heel to walk out the door before being stopped again.

"Your pass Mr. Styles." The teacher handed him a yellow slip. He grabbed it, giving a nod of appreciation, and headed to his next class feeling a bit better but still couldn't shake the weird feeling at the pit of his stomach.

 

** 7:43 pm **

Harry was sat in his room, sketching on his wall (it's what he usually did when he was bored). He scratched new quotes and drawings, his favorites being  _'even a world of darkness yearns for a bit of light'_ and _'bruised knuckles and bruised knees, why am I the only one who sees?'_ The drawings ranged from a small rose with an eye with tears dripping out the corner to a poison bottle. He wasn't feeling these things in particular, it just came out when his pencil met the wall.

Though, all day today something was bothering him and he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was but he figured it had to do with Louis (after third lesson). What Louis was feeling today seemed to rub off on Harry and he dragged himself through the day, excited when school was over because all he wanted to do was go home and sleep. So that's what he did. The second he got into his room he collapsed on his bed and slept the day away. It wasn't until four hours later he woke up and felt the need to write on his wall. He was feeling so much yet his mind was blank.  Right when his pencil touched the grey wall it was like an explosion of creativity.

So here he was, awake in the near darkness of his room scribbling and doodling random things that came to his head. The entire day there was something boggling his mind and he did some research to help prove his 'hypothesis' (Harry's still unsure what that means but he's pretty sure he's got the correct definition). And since then he needs to vent, express, and hopefully gain knowledge on what he thinks or else he's going to drive himself insane.

He dropped his pencil and headed downstairs. The sound of a low volumed telly filled his ears as he descended the stairs. His mum was sat on the couch flipping through a book she took up on reading. "Where's dad?" he decided to start the conversation with ease.

"Late shift," his mum responded. Harry rounded the corner of the couch and sat on the one next to the one Millie was sitting on. "Why? Did you need him?" She peered over the top of her lenses, looking at her son with raised brows.

"Oh, no. I actually came down because I wanted to talk to you. Do you have time for a chat?" Harry's always been a mummy's boy. He loved his mum to bits and wouldn't hesitate to die for her. There was absolutely no one and nothing as beautiful and perfect as her.

"Yeah, of course." She marked her page and set the book aside giving her son full attention. "What's on your mind?"

"I um, I don't really know how to approach it. It's a very difficult and touchy subject I'm just not sure how to bring it up." Could you tell that Harry was nervous? There was really no reason for him to be, but he was afraid of his mum's professional opinion.

"Just be blunt and we can move on from there," Millie encouraged.

"Um, okay so there was a series of events that happened today, that I will get to later, that led me to do a very deep and thorough research on depression."

"You think you're depressed?"

"Mum, no. Just- please?" Millie was a clinical psychologist; she worked with clients to identify problems ranging from emotional and mental to behavioral. She does this simply by observing through interviews and tests to diagnose any potential disorders. She'd then work with the client to formulate a plan of treatment according to the clients's needs.

"Alright, I'm sorry. Continue."

"I think Louis' depressed," Harry blurted out.

His mum's brows furrowed and she questioned, "Why do you think that?"

"I mean, he's sad all the time, there's no denying that. And I remember hearing somewhere that mood swings could be a sign of depression." When his mum gave him a look of confusion, Harry furthered his explanation. "Yesterday he was just fine. He talked and joked and he even laughed a few times and everything was just fine. Then today he was being so distant and was very aggressive towards me. He's never had a harsh tone with me but this morning he completely exploded. He went off on me and was really defensive. It bothered me all morning so when I saw him again I pulled him out of class to talk to him but he didn't really say anything. Of course I thought it was something I did because he's never really been upset with me before. But what he did tell me was that he was embarrassed because I saw him having an anxiety attack but didn't tell me why."

Millie decided to ignore the fact that her son might've skipped class and pulled someone along with him. "Okay so what about this led you to do research on depression?" His mum was probably one of the best listeners and she was really good at getting to the point of things. But that's her job, isn't it?

"His moods change so fast. Yeah, his mood was different from yesterday but it's been hours. When I took him to the bathroom he was so closed off and fragile then as the conversation went on he softened up until I asked about why he was embarrassed."

"I'm not saying what you've compiled is wrong because I'm sure what you've seen and experienced throughout these past weeks have also attributed to your conclusion. However, those aren't mood swings. The night and day change from yesterday to today could be viewed as one, but his attitude during your conversation isn't. Some people experiencing depression put on a show. Everything they do is a show. The attitude change you witnessed wasn't a mood swing but was him slowly forgetting to put on his show."

"Why would he forget to put on the show if that's all he does? Shouldn't he be used to it?"

"Yes and no? They're used to the show but it falters when they're comfortable and with someone that makes them feel safe." Harry smiled, happier than he was all day. Hearing his mum say that Louis was most likely comfortable and felt safe with him meant the absolute world to him because that's all he wanted. "They get caught in the moment and forget that they're supposed to be sad."

"That's why he always looks so confused. Majority of the time when I talk to him he always looks like he's fighting with himself."

"He could be. He might want to be your friend but there's something within him telling him he shouldn't."

"That makes a lot of sense." Harry paused and glanced at his lap in thought. "A lot of the symptoms I read about was literally Louis. Mostly everything that I've seen in Louis were on those pages. I also read articles upon articles on how to help and I still don't know how. Every article was different, some even contradicting one another and I just don't know what to do."

"When handling someone with a mental illness like depression you have to have compassion and love. You have to walk with him from where he is rather than telling him that he should be where you are. That's all he hears, 'why are you sad when you could be happy?' He doesn't choose to be sad, he's being swallowed by the darkness of whatever in his past is still haunting him and he's become so immune he's able to live with it. In the beginning he was drowning, but now he's treading the waters as the waters pull him deeper and deeper. At any moment he could stop treading and drown again. And when he's drowning he's going to be in need of a friend to help encourage him to tread again."

His mum has only started talking and it was already so much. What she was saying made sense but it was difficult to process since he doesn't have expertise in that. But he tried his best to put the pieces together to respond. "I'm trying to be his friend but he won't let me. Even after all my tries to make him feel something, anything and he still can't trust me. It's honestly not that hard."

"You have to be patient love. Whatever comes easy to you and me doesn't automatically mean it'll be easy for him. He could be used to being on his own and dealing with his problems on his own so he doesn't know how to react to things." Harry was raised to be kind and hyperaware of other's feelings. Observe and adapt. Because of this it really angered him that he wasn't able to catch onto it sooner and already know all these things and how to deal with them.

"I think Louis' great and all and of course I want him to be happy but taking on this role of helping him get there seems like a lot." Harry did feel bad for saying it, but it was true. Trying to get someone to see the world to be light instead of dark when all they see is darkness isn't an easy task and requires a lot of dedication.

"Tell me about it," Millie joked. "Imagine doing it all day."

"Seriously mum," Harry laughed, "If anyone were to do this I wouldn't want anyone else but me because I don't trust anyone else with him. He reveals absolutely nothing to me but I just know he's too precious to be so sad all the time." Harry smiled to himself, remembering that there was a time that he made Louis laugh. "But it's hard. It's so hard. It just frustrates me that everything I do just gets thrown away. Like this morning I sort of snapped at him because he was being so resistant to anything I do. That made him upset and caused the whole class skipping-bathroom chat fiasco."

"You can't let him know that you're aggravated. When you do he could get into his head and tell himself all these horrible things because not even you would be able to handle him, or be able to keep up with him. It could make him feel worse because then he realizes how difficult he's been and then that's all he'll think about." She paused for Harry to respond but got nothing. He was concentrated on his fingers looking like he was talking with himself in his head. "Look, Harry, it's going to be frustrating and often times you're going to be annoyed, but you have to hold his hand as he tries to remember how to walk again. There's going to be times where you want to let go because you've spent all this time and all this progress but he falls. There's going to be times where he pushes you away and the only thing keeping you two connected is the loose grip of your fingertips. There's going to be times where he's going to be squeezing your hand too tight and from all the pain you want to let go but you can't. You can't let go when he falls or when he pushes you away or when he squeezes too tight because those are the times he needs you the most. If you're really dedicated to this boy you have to desperately cling on to him to engrave his brain that there is someone there for him and that he doesn't have to be alone anymore."

"What if he breaks my hand?" Harry went along with the metaphor.

"They invented casts for a reason."

"But if he keeps squeezing my cast, it'll still hurt." Harry wasn't having second guesses on wanting to be Louis' friend, but everything his mum has talked about scared him. Scared for himself and for Louis. He didn't want to fail Louis but would he be able to stay strong enough for the both of them? Would he be able to pull Louis out of the darkness he's succumb to or will he, too, be pulled in? Loads of questions flooded his mind causing his face to scrunch. His mum could tell he was struggling with the situation.

"Who's in more pain? The one getting their cast squeezed or the one squeezing the cast knowing the other is in pain too."

"I'm just scared, I'm terrified actually. I don't want to fail him and I don't want him to think he's my project and I'm only doing this to get him somewhere instead of showing him I genuinely want to be his friend."

"Promise me you're not going to use him for any self gain? Because if you are so god help me Harry. Not only would you be grounded for life, I will make sure that you two never speak." It's her job to protect people's mental state so, no, she wasn't out of line.

"Do you not have any trust in me?"

"No, I do. And I hope the morals I raised you with have remained." She raised an eyebrow very seriously.

"Of course."

"You can't convince him that you're genuine because he's not going to budge from his mindset. The only thing you can do is to repeatedly show him that you are until he's able to believe it for himself."

Again, Harry got lost in his thoughts thinking about everything his mum has mentioned the past half hour. It'd be a lot for anyone to take in and Millie understood that and let her son think about it for a bit until he was ready for his next question or response. "How am I supposed to help him if there's a time where he doesn't even know what he's feeling?"

"Mental health has become such a taboo thing in society nowadays that people, especially teenagers, are shameful of it. There has to be a place for young people to vocalize their feelings even when they may not understand it. Even when neither of you understand, you can't let him stop himself from expressing his feelings because it's better to not understand then to have it all pent up inside." She took a pause when she saw Harry nod his head, expecting him to say something. But when he didn't she continued her speech. "And it's never good for anyone to say 'this is what you mean' or 'this is what you're feeling' because then you're trying to justify his feelings when maybe he doesn't want them to be. He didn't tell you what he was feeling for you to tell him what he has, he's telling you because, ultimately, he wants to understand it himself. He wants to understand his feelings, not how you think he's feeling."

Harry nodded along, listening very carefully. "Okay, so the rundown of all of this, to put it simply, is to never assume, never show frustration, always show love, obtain enough strength for the both of us, and be patient?" Between each point, he'd number them with his fingers and use the pointer finger of his other hand to count. As he listed each of his thoughts his mum would nod along, agreeing to his thoughts. "So now can you give me a more elaborate but brief version of that?"

"Ultimately everything you do is on his terms, not yours. You've just got to keep reminding him that he's loved and valuable and worthy of the things he thinks he isn't because he's so far gone into his own world that he needs to hear it any and every chance he gets. If he won't believe your words then you've got to show him just how loved and valuable and worthy he really is or else he'll get lost again. You can't tell him to meet up with you or to meet you half way. You kind of have to kind of be in the fog with him for a bit and then come out together."

"What if I get us lost in the fog?"

"You won't."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you see something he doesn't." When Harry scrunched his face and tilted his head to the side like a dog, Millie proceeded with an explanation. " _You_  can escape the fog because you're capable of seeing the end goal. For Louis, it's been dark and foggy and it will continue to be dark and foggy even with your company. He needs that helping hand to guide him out." He stayed silent, sitting in shock. It truly baffled him how good his mum was at her job. "Maybe you should head to bed and think about everything and decide if you're truly capable of being there for Louis."

As much as he wanted to keep the conversation going and learn more things, she was right. If he were to obtain anymore information his head might explode. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow morning. I love you, goodnight." He hopped off the couch and headed back up the stairs. Halfway up he stopped to say, "And thank you for the conversation. It was really helpful." His mum sent him a smile and a nod and he was on his way to his room.

Once the door closed he threw himself on the bed and grunted in exhaustion. There was no way Harry would be able to sleep after learning all that he did. His mind was running with questions and hypotheticals so he pulled out his notebook and pencil and jotted down everything going through his mind, staying up all night completely lost in his thoughts about Louis.

 


	12. you have to kiss it or else it doesn't count

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy (:

mood: broken- anson seabra

 

** Saturday, September 15th 2:47 pm **

Louis laid sprawled out on his bed regretting waking up this morning. He didn't have plans on dying last night, however he really wish he had. It was the time of the year where all his family gathered for their semi-annual parties: one in the spring, one in the fall. To say he hated these parties is an understatement. All it did was bring back the horrible thoughts and memories he so desperately tried to get rid of. These parties are what ignited and created those horrid, evil thoughts that's haunted him since age eight. Before he even turned eight these parties were when he realized something was wrong and the way he was being looked at and treated was not okay.

Nearly ten years later and he still hated attending these parties. He was able to get away from them a few times over the years, but his parents usually forced him to go because they claimed his extended family missed seeing him which Louis thought was complete and utter bull. If his family missed him as much as they said they did why was it that whenever he would go to these parties (as a kid) his cousins would either avoid him, make fun of him, or completely ignore him when they realized he was different. The way he carried himself was different from how they carried themselves as  _children_. He was only a child and was forced to grow up so fast for his own sake. If his family missed him so much wouldn't you think the least they'd do is call or text him? But never once did his phone ring with any of their names over the years.

Yes, he's grown up alongside his cousins and things have changed drastically since he was a kid, but the relationship between him and his cousins remained just as they were back then. None of them would willingly want to talk to him excluding the times they'd attempt to hang out with him out of pity since he was always alone and kept to himself. Some held grudges against him saying he ruined and broke up the family, but he was only a kid, how could he be held responsible?

For the past year and a half Louis was able to miss the party and stay home, but since his parents were making him go, Louis dressed in a casual outfit wearing a plain white tee, denim skinny jeans that were rolled at the ankles, tealish-blue shoes and a brown jacket. He dreadfully waited for his parents to come and get him because there was no way he was going to willingly go to this party. Coincidentally, there was a knock on his door. His mum appeared from behind the creaking door saying, "Are you ready to go bub?"

Louis curled himself into a ball, his back towards the door. He sniffled not realizing he had been crying. "I don't want to go," he squeaked. It was truly heartbreaking to see her son be so distraught over a simple party. "Don't make me go ma, please don't make me go."

"Lou, sweetheart," she began, carefully sitting next to him stroking his hair, "you can't run away from them forever. You've got to face it sometime."

He shook his head as more tears streamed from his eyes, moaning and whining. "No I don't. 's not like they care about me anyway."

"They miss you Louis, they personally asked for you to come."

"Don't wanna go." Louis shifted away from his mum so she wasn't touching him anymore. He didn't understand why he couldn't just stay home alone like he had been doing for the last three parties.

"C'mon, we leave in five minutes." She patted his shoulder before exiting the room, walking down the hall to hers. Not too long after Louis faintly heard his parents having a minor argument about him (like always). "He has to get over it Charles, he's going."

"If he doesn't want to go we shouldn't have to force him," Charles argued. "What good is going to come out of it? He doesn't talk to anyone. There's no need to put him in an uncomfortable situation for hours when he could stay home no problem." It was weird for Louis to hear his dad defend him. Though he does it often, Louis hasn't heard his dad do it in forever.

"He's going end of discussion." The clicks of Laura's heels got softer as she descended the stairs, grabbing the car keys on her way out the door.

"Louis?" Charles asked, peeking into his son's room.

"Hm?" Louis mumbled.

"It's time to go." Louis groaned but he slumped his way out of bed and walked with heavy feet, exhibiting the minor fit he wanted to throw.  He doesn't care if he was being childish, he really didn't want to go. "I'm sorry for making you go. I could sense you didn't want to and I tried to tell her so you could stay home but she wouldn't budge." It was about time Charles took credit for something he did because maybe then Louis would finally be able to trust him again.

"A broken clock is right twice a day," Louis muttered before pushing passed his dad, making his way down the stairs and to the car. Charles heavily sighed before following Louis out. 

** 5:27 pm **

The car ride to his aunt's house was dreadful. He hasn't seen his family in two years and he felt sick to his stomach at that thought. These parties would shuffle places it'd be hosted between his aunt's and uncle's, never at his parents' house because of Louis' uneasiness of having lots of people over at once. On the way to his aunt's, Louis plugged his earbuds in and blasted music to try to drown out the thoughts that crept their way back into his mind. He never left the house without his headphones (except school but that's a different story for a different time), especially when visiting other family members. It helped him remain calm and keep his thoughts from taking over.

For the past hour or so Louis' been sat on the chair in the corner of the living room, blasting his favorite artist, Anson Seabra, secluding himself from his family. Louis found himself relating a lot to his music it almost hurt. He felt like he could've easily written these songs from his own personal experiences. There was something about the lyrics and they way Anson sang them that hit him deeper than just his soul. And the fact that all of his songs were stripped exuded this sense feeling of passion and emotion from Louis.

Just like he predicted none of his cousins attempted to even say hi to him so the hour or two he had left at the party was going to be long. There's only so much you can do on your phone before you've done everything. There comes a point where even being on your phone you become bored and just stare at the screen. That's the point Louis' reached, the peak of boredom that not even his phone entertained him. He blankly stared at his phone, letting the music temporarily take him away from a place he desperately didn't want to be at. It felt like ages, listening to the same songs over and over, looking at absolutely nothing for minutes on end until there was a tap on his knee. Louis flinched really hard from the touch, closing himself off from the figure that sat in front of him. The delicate hand reached up and lightly tugged on Louis' earphones saying, "Hey Louis."

Timidly peering through his lashes Louis looked up and softly smiled, relaxing his body. "Hi Em," he greeted back. Emily Taylor. One of the few cousins that actually liked him. He didn't have many cousins since his parents came from small families and had even fewer he got along with. She was around his age, only a few years older, and they had a lot of similar appearances. They both had brunette hair, hers being a lot longer than Louis', they were both pretty short, fairly thin, and nearly the same facial structure. The only difference they blatantly had was their eyes. Louis' were a crystal blue while Emily's was an emerald green like Harry's.

"I've missed you. A lot actually," she nervously chuckled. "How've you been?" Her presence was gentle and a bit nervous. The main reason her and Louis got on really well was that they shared similar experiences growing up and go through similar experiences as of now with their personal issues and are just very similar in general. Emily was the only person to stick by Louis' side through everything he's gone through and listen to what he had to say.

"It's been alright. Just trying to get through the day at this point." Louis laughed, but Emily didn't think it was funny. He got awkward and started fiddling with the loose strings on the bottom hem of his shirt.

"Nothing's gotten better? Like at all?" There was a time where the two of them would talk nonstop about everything. He'd even open up about his problems and want to talk it out. But as time went on and the more people (his parents and friends) suppressed him and his feelings the more closed off he became and pushed his cousin away.

Louis shrugged, not in the mood to talk about it especially when he was basically surrounded by strangers in a house he never felt safe in. "Does it ever get better?" He looked up at his cousin with an expression matching hers: a sad, half smile and slightly raised brows.

"Have you been crying?" She changed the direction of the conversation knowing she wasn't going to get anywhere taking that route.

"I didn't want to come," Louis sighed, bringing his knees to his chest and curling his arms around his legs.

"Oh, Lou." She reached out to comfort him but he flinched away, bringing his eyebrows together. This was not the time and place to cry. "Lou," Emily sighed grabbing hold of Louis' hand. "He's not here. You know he can't come. You're safe." She knew. One of the select few to know all too well how he feels and what he went through.

Louis shook his head and quickly wiped away the tear that fell down his cheek. "He is here. In here." His finger poked at his temple. "He's everywhere I go. Everything I do he's there taunting me, ruining me. Don't tell me I'm safe here because I'm not safe anywhere I go. As long as I'm in my body I'm not safe." They were never able to say or mention his name ever since everything went down. Hell, it was hard when people mentioned his name.

"He can't hurt you anymore, Lou." They were both on the verge of tears. Emily was a very empathetic person and hates seeing anyone upset. The feelings Louis felt rubbed off on her not only because of her empathy but because she understands.  _She understands._

"It's not even him I'm scared of anymore. Sure, what he did still petrifies me, but he doesn't scare me anymore." Louis paused, taking a deep breath and scanned the room. His family members were chatting, laughing, and playing with each other. That used to be him; he used to chat and laugh and play. Back then he wasn't afraid to be social or express himself, but now he can't even go in public without flinching at everything. "I'm scared of myself." Emily said nothing and just stared at Louis. Yes, she understood what he was going through but she didn't know how much of a hold it had on his life. "He still has such a power over me that I'm terrified of what I found I'm capable of."

"The more you prolong the hold he has on you, the longer it's going to take for you to heal. If you keep thinking about the hurt the more you're going to feel it."

A throaty chuckle came from Louis as he shook his head in disbelief. It's like she doesn't get it; her out of all people should. "It's been branded in my brain Emily. He's not even here and I'm hurt. I haven't seen him in three goddamn years and I'm still in pain. Do you know how hard it is to wake up every morning and the first thing I see is his face? Or hard it is to stop the thoughts from playing over and over and over again?"

"Yes, Louis. I think out of all people I would know best."

"Okay, then why are you acting like it's just another simple obstacle to get over?"

"Because it is. You can't expect to get better if you dwell on the bad all the time. It's hard, I know, but it needs to be done if you want to be able to live again."

Louis shook his head. She couldn't be serious, or does she just not understand after so many years? "I was eight years old," he gritted through his teeth, holding back the tears that swelled in his eyes. "How do you expect me to move on when I was a kid, a toddler. I went from being a carefree, joyful child to someone I don't even recognize. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost myself before I could found who I was because he stole everything from me. And you think I can just forget about it?"

"I never said to forget. You don't have to forget but never forgiving isn't going to do anything to  _him_. Unforgiveness only effects the unforgiving. By thinking about it all the time you're stabbing yourself in the leg expecting it to hurt him."

She was right, it made sense. He's holding on to all of this anger and sadness and the only person it's effecting is him.  _He_  isn't sad,  _he_  doesn't feel the pain,  _he_  doesn't cry because  _he_  doesn't care. "I know it's just- I don't know how to turn it off. I hate seeing those images and hearing those words. It's all-"

"I know, I know. Sh, it's okay." Emily pulled him into a hug, holding his head tight to her chest. Louis weakly sobbed, clinging onto her arm as if his life depended on it. Of course he didn't want to cry, but everything felt heavy and was incredibly overwhelming. "It's hard bubba but we can do this, together. I can't do this without you." She rubbed his back, trying her best to comfort him when she, too, was slowly falling apart.

The rest of the time Louis spent there was in his cousin's comforting arms. His head was laid on her lap with one of Emily's hands running through his waves and the other holding hand. She brought the both of them to her room and sang to him to help soothe his nerves and there were times he'd join in. Soon enough Louis eventually calmed down and they had a normal conversation, catching up on the two years they've missed out on each other and talking about random things.

The topic of school was brought up because Emily knew that was a struggle for him and wanted to know if everything there was alright there. He gave his honest opinion saying school was hell and everything in between. Of course Harry just had to be brought up (like always). Louis swears he hates talking about Harry, so you're just going to have to believe him. Emily's eyes lit up because this was the first and only person Louis' mentioned in years that wasn't in a foul manner. "I don't think that really matters," Louis said, his face flushing a deep red. Emily asked what Harry looked like along with a bunch of other pestering questions.

"It matters loads. This is the first friend I've heard you mention in years and if he's cute you'll never know." She waggled her eyebrows playfully causing Louis to giggle.

"He's not even my friend and he's straight so don't hold your breath Em." The atmosphere was a lot more slack than it was before but there was still a heaviness in Louis' chest he couldn't shake. 

"How do you know he's not straight?"

"He has a girlfriend."

"He could be bisexual." Louis honestly hasn't thought of that. Harry being bisexual never crossed his mind. He didn't seem like someone who'd like boys. It was wrong of him to stereotype, but there was just something about Harry that screamed straight. But at the same time the way Harry interacts with males (usually Niall, and Louis too) was a lot different than females. He seemed to be a lot more affectionate and comfortable towards men but that's neither here nor there.

"I don't think so. He seems pretty fond of women," he tried to convince himself.

"Do you know how many celebrities have girlfriends that are in fact gay?"

Louis rolled his eyes, rolling out of Emily's lap and onto his stomach. "He's not a celebrity."

"You know what I meant. C'mon tell me about him."

"There's not much to say if I'm honest." His fingers pulled the fabric of the comforter. "But um, he's really nice, almost too nice. Very cheeky, and he seems really caring and stuff. I just- I don't know."

"What is it?"

"I don't know if I could trust him. The circumstances are weird and it's hard to tell if he's genuine."

"That's understandable." They both had their own issues with trust, but who doesn't? "I'd say go for it. If he seems nice and is very persistent I don't think he has any intentions of harm."

"Yeah, sure." Louis wasn't convinced. Emily didn't know the extent of things but in reality neither did he. He didn't know Harry's real intentions because he's scared of what it might be. If he were right and Harry's only doing this as some sick game it'll probably sting for a bit because he's slowly breaking down his walls and he hated it. But if Harry was being genuine how was he supposed to feel or react? No one's treated him this way in years so the sudden shock was immensely overwhelming.

"What's he look like?" Emily broke Louis out his thoughts.

"He um, he's uh really tall, like really really tall. And um," Louis smiled thinking about Harry's pretty eyes. "He's got long curly hair and vibrant green eyes." He looked directly at Emily. "Kind of like yours but a bit more sparkly."

"How long?"

"Like to his shoulders."

"Hm, okay? Continue." Men with longer hair was a no for Emily. Very few men can pull it off so it was difficult for her to find an interest in it.

"He's got a nice smile, dimples and everything. I think he has tattoos if I'm remembering correctly." When he was finished talking his face flushed bright red, embarrassed for a reason he doesn't know. Possibly because he absolutely adored Harry and anytime he wasn't paying attention Louis would sneak a peek because he was just so pretty, wasn't he?

"Why are you blushing?" The smile on Emily's face expanded far too wide.

Louis pushed his face into the mattress, covering the sides with his hands. "I don't know," he squeaked.

"You like him." It wasn't a question. From the way Louis described Harry and that foolish smile that was spread across his face, she could tell.

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Do not."

"Look at me then." Louis screamed into the mattress and wriggled his body. "You like him." Her tone was very playful and teasing.

"Stop! Okay fine I do but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sure if he found out he'd run for the hills." His face was looking up at his cousin, still flushed. It's the first time he's directly addressed his feelings for Harry to himself and apparently someone else. But he didn't get himself into this mess without knowing the consequences and that's the fact that Harry's straight.

"Do you have a picture of him?"

"Of course not Em."

"Anything?"

"Uh, he spams me a bunch on Instagram, I'm sure he has something o-"

"Show me, show me, show me!" Emily interrupted and urged him to grab his phone. It was sort of a bluff. Louis knew Harry had pictures on his Instagram but he wasn't about to admit that he sometimes goes to his page just to admire the way he looks. He pulled out his phone and loaded Instagram, opening up Harry's page. The phone has handed to his cousin and instantly her jaw dropped. "Holy shit Lou." She scrolled through his page in disbelief, shock, and everything in between. "This is so unreal. You're joking right?" Louis shook his head, understanding why she would think that. "He's so... cute!" Her voice squeaked on the last word. Surprisingly, Harry looked so good with long hair and she absolutely adored it. And that smile and those dimples? Don't even get her started. "He's so adorable oh my god. Louis I will be beyond pissed if you don't marry this man. Holy-" she cut herself off and gave Louis his phone back because if she were to look any longer she just might cry.

"I'd never have a chance. He's straight and even if he wasn't he wouldn't go for someone like me."

"You're cute too! You guys would be so cute together. Oh my god, Louis' going to have a boyfriend!" She clapped her hands rapidly and bounced in excitement.

"Stop." Louis' face flushed an even brighter red.

"You are! You have the power to have anyone fall in love with you."

"If that were true I don't think I would be in the situation I'm in right now." He looked back down to the mattress, chewing on his cheek and pulling on the fabric of the comforter once again.

Emily tilted her head side to side as if weighing out the options. "That or maybe Harry's the only one brave enough to let himself fall in love." 

** 8:54 pm **

Louis was home now. He and his parents left around seven thirty from his aunt's. When his parents found their son, he was under the covers sleeping on Emily's bed with her hand gently stroking his hair. After the conversation about Harry died off, due to Louis growing uncomfortable and not really wanting his cousin to influence and change his mind about Harry, the conversation shifted into darkness again and both Louis and Emily cried. Emily was the stronger one of the two and she cracked when Louis talked about the first hour he was here and how all that he saw and thought was  _him_. Everywhere he looked  _his_  ugly face would be there and every emotion he felt when he was younger came back but he tried so hard to not let it affect him. He tried so hard to stop all the emotions by drowning himself in music and it worked, slightly.

On the car ride home his parents (mainly his mum) kept pestering him with questions about his experience at the party and how catching up with his cousin was and if anyone else talked to him, etc. His answers would come out in short, one word responses to a few word sentences. All he wanted to do was listen to his music and ignore the world but having to think about everything that happened was not only emotionally exhausting, but it was mentally exhausting as well. Being sad and, by Louis' words, freaking out by everything in life is so exhausting. It's tiring being mentally, emotionally, and physically drained all the time and having to scrape by everyday.

Sure once Harry was introduced into Louis' life he's felt something other than pure sadness but he's become more exhausted trying to subdue all the new feelings from surfacing. He didn't want to be sad but he also didn't want to let someone in who's made him smile and laugh a few times. It sounds very contradicting and doesn't really make much sense and Louis would agree. It doesn't make sense to push someone away who makes you feel something other than sorrow but sorrow is all he knows. Happiness is scary when you haven't felt it in years. Happiness is terrifying when you know it can be taken away so quickly and all you can do from there is crash and burn. When you're sad there's nothing to plummet from. You're not scared of sadness being ripped away from you and maybe that's why he pushes happiness away. Because what goes up must come down.

When they got home, Louis stayed out on the front porch to try to clear his mind. His dad turned the porch light on and his mum brought a plate of snacks out for him that's been left untouched. He did cry for a bit but soon recovered and just spaced out allowing his mind to swarm with the thoughts he tried so hard to push away, giving up on being strong. Louis was so spaced out, he didn't see the car pull up across the street from his house and a tall figure stepping out of it. He also didn't see the silhouette staring towards his direction once the car pulled away before approaching him. However, he did hear, but didn't register, the footsteps approaching him. "Louis?" He didn't respond, still spaced out. "Hey." The person gripped Louis' shoulder and shook it slightly causing him to instantly tense up. "No, Louis, it's just me. It's Harry sunshine, you don't have to be scared. I'm not here to hurt you." Louis did relax, but shifted away from Harry's touch. "Mind if I join you?" Harry pointed to the chair next to the one Louis sat in. He shrugged, still not making eye contact with his neighbor. Harry took a seat and stayed quiet for a few moments, looking at Louis who just seemed off. "What's going on sugar? Why're you out here all alone?" Louis' silence remained as well as his lack of eye contact. "Do you wanna talk?"

Louis shrugged again, sitting back in his seat and sighed. "What do you want to know?" The answer took Harry by surprise because Louis was never fond of talking, let alone about himself.

Harry's head shot up, giving Louis a furrowed brow receiving a blank look from his neighbor. "Really?" Louis shrugged again, looking out into the night. "Okay um, how are you?" Harry asked not wanting to pry.

That wasn't a question Louis expected, but then again Harry never seemed to want to push him too far. "'m fine," was all he said.

"I'd probably believe you if you weren't out here by yourself at night. You look really sad and you've got dried tears on your cheeks. So can we do this again? How are you?"

"I'm fine, Harry, really. I've been fine; that's all I've ever been."

"Why've you been crying?" he hesitantly asked. Harry knew Louis didn't like talking much especially if it was about himself but there can't be any progress without a little push.

"Life's just putrid innit?" Louis laughed shaking his head. The action made Harry scrunch his eyebrows, confusion being evident.

"What's funny?"

"Isn't it crazy that I've just now realized how much of a joke I am?" This was the most lax Louis' ever been with Harry despite him being hysterical. "I've spent years wondering what it was about me that put everyone off, but I get it now." It was truly haunting the way Louis laughed to himself. It left an unsettling feeling in Harry's stomach, like something wasn't right. "They know I'm tainted."

"Louis, why're you laughing?" There wasn't anything funny about what he said so Harry didn't understand why he was laughing.

"I'm so tainted that I haven't even realized how lost I am, how it's not even me who lives in my body." His laughs continued and his eyes started to water. "I'm just a shell of boy who allowed someone to possess them."

"Louis," Harry said worriedly, reaching out to the boy who was emotionally falling apart. "What's going on?"

"I'm empty. There's nothing left inside me besides the demons of my past."

"Stop laughing, you're scaring me." Harry's eyes prickled with tears because he was worried and afraid, not know what was going on.

"Having to be strong for years on end soon wears away and you're left with immense pain. I've tried everything and nothing works." Louis was full on crying now, but he still laughed. The laughs were slowly turning from chuckles to sobs and everything in this moment was just as confusing as it was sad. He was in the midst of a mental breakdown hence why he wasn't making much sense to anyone who lived outside his mind. Any thought that came to his mind he just spewed out.

"Can you please tell me what this about? Please Louis." Harry's tears spilled over and he cried alongside Louis.

"I'm a joke. People laugh at me and poke fun at me because I'm a joke." He wiped away tears that streamed down his cheeks but his eerie laugh still resonated into the dark night. "But it's okay, it doesn't matter anyway."

"It does matter, what do you mean?" Harry scooted his chair closer to Louis'. "You're not a joke, you're not. If people are laughing and being mean to you it's not a reflection of you, it's a reflection of them. You're so perfect Louis."

"I'm not," Louis said shaking his head, tears streaming down his face.

"You are. Hey, look at me. I don't think I've met someone as perfect as you."

"Stop."

"No. You need to see that you're worth so much more than you think you are. Listen, I'm going to be honest with you and I want you to know that I would never ever lie to you, okay?" Louis didn't respond and kept his gaze on the street lamp across the road. "We don't know much about each other, really nothing at all and yet I'm so gravitated towards you; I'm so captivated by you. Do you want to know why I'm always smiling whenever I see you?" Louis finally looked Harry in his eye and furrowed his brows. He didn't know Harry was crying too and he felt so terrible. "I smile because not only do I really enjoy seeing you, but you're-" It was Harry's turn to laugh. He looked down for a quick second before looking back up to an expecting Louis. Even though they were both crying Harry smiled and wiped a tear that fell from Louis' eye. Louis never actually thought too much on why Harry was smiling all the time. He just thought he was always happy. "You're really cute," Harry continued his sentence. Time seemed to stop. Harry couldn't have possibly said that. Louis must've heard him wrong. "I was doing some reading one time and stumbled upon this article that said when we find things to be cute and adorable there's some kind of emotional response that makes us want to love and take care of it. I never really understood why I always felt like I was being pulled to you but it kinda makes sense now." Harry brought Louis' hand up to his mouth and kissed the top of it.

"What're you doing?" Louis whispered slowly retracting his hand back to his body.

"I'm trying to show I care and I don't want you to frown anymore." Louis closed his eyes and scrunched his eyebrows, leaning his head back to stop the tears from spilling over. "There's nothing you do that will ever make me think you're a joke because you're perfect. You're so perfect and I know it's hard to realize it right now but we'll get there."

"I'm sad," Louis admitted. At this point all of his walls were broken down and what sat in front of Harry was purely Louis. Though he wasn't in the best state, it was still Louis. "I'm so sad."

"I know kitten." Harry's fingers lightly traveled on the back of Louis' hand in circles.

"No Harry, I'm like-" Louis cut himself off, not wanting to drop the burden onto Harry's shoulders.

"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready love. We're not in a rush." Harry knew what he was going to say but didn't want to force it out of him.

"I'm depressed," he resulted in saying. It was half of the truth but not the half he wanted to say.

"I know." Everyone knew. Anyone who came in contact with Louis could tell he was a ticking time bomb, waiting for the fuse to switch. The pair stayed silent for minutes on end. Harry needed time to think and he wanted Louis to clear his mind and regain his thoughts and composure and Louis simply wanted to hide. Harry could've easily left after all that's been said but he felt like there was so much more to say. "Can I ask you something?"

"Fire away," Louis sighed looking at the stars.

"You're so reserved but you spilled you're thoughts to me without me asking and you talked about how nothing matters." There was an icky feeling in the pit of Harry's stomach that left him unsettled. He cleared his throat before saying, "Why? And what'd you mean by that?"

Louis' lips pressed into a flat line as he shook his head. "In the end nothing really matters does it? We're all going to die anyway. 's not that deep of a meaning. It's quite simple to understand."

"I'm sure, but I just want to know what I'm thinking is false."

"What's it you're thinking of?"

"I don't want to say it." The saliva Harry swallowed was thick.

"Why not? Are you scared?" Louis looked back down to his neighbor with raised brows.

"Scared of death? Maybe. Scared that you'd do that to yourself? Absolutely." He didn't get a response. Louis looked back to the sky leaving Harry very uneasy. "Louis."

"Hm?"

"Promise me you won't? Promise me you'll stay and that I get to see your lovely face Monday morning?"

"A promise is comfort for a fool."

"You can think I'm a fool for wanting to promise but I've never broken a promise and I trust in them." Harry stuck his pinky out to Louis causing him to look back down. "Pinky promise me." Louis' stomach churned because he knew the unwritten rule of pinky promises: you can't break a pinky promise, you just can't. Despite him feeling troubled, he interlocked his pinky with Harry's. A smile spread across Harry's face as he brought his fist to his mouth to kiss his thumb. "You have to kiss it or it doesn't count." Harry pushed their fists closer to Louis with a soft smile. Louis wanted to smile because of Harry's childishness but he rolled his eyes and kissed his thumb. "We're supposed to do it at the same time but this'll be fine for now."

It made Louis feel better that Harry wasn't crying anymore and was instead smiling like crazy because he knew Louis was going to stay alive. "Whatever," Louis muttered. He may have sounded annoyed but he was grateful for Harry being here tonight. If he weren't, who knows what might've happened. Who knows what thoughts Louis could've let take over.

"You better not break this promise because I swear to you I will be so mad. I will be infuriated and so sad. I will blame you for all the grey skies and why the flowers will never grow again. Because without any sun there is no life on earth." Louis hated when Harry was so eloquent with his words.  _God_  he was so charismatic.

"Shush you," Louis smiled looking to his feet. And Harry did stay quiet for a bit, silently appreciating Louis and then looking out into the night. It was a comfortable silence they sat in. Both Louis and Harry felt a lot better than they were a few minutes ago, relieved for each other's presence.

"You should get some sleep. Put your mind to rest and relax for once, okay? If there's anything you ever need, tonight or whenever, I'm just across the street so don't hesitate to reach out. Here's my number as well." Harry pulled out a pen that was in his jacket pocket and wrote down the numbers on Louis' hand. "Don't ever be afraid to call."

A few tears rolled down from Louis' eyes because for the first time in a long time he felt care and love. That there might be someone out there who wants him alive. "Thank you," he whispered.

"Thank you for being here." Harry smiled, standing Louis up. "Goodnight sunshine."

"Goodnight Harry."


	13. if harry was a rose then louis would be the thorns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy 28th even if i'm a day late ):

mood: isle of flightless birds- twenty one pilots

 

 

** Monday, September 17th 6:47 am **

Sunday was long and boring for Harry. He spent the whole day in worry, anxiety, and anticipation. Louis might've pinky promised Harry of something beyond anyone's control, but what if promises were just a comforting factor so Harry wouldn't worry? If that's so, not only would pinky promises be completely ruined for Harry, but his biggest fear that night would truly traumatize him. He put his full trust into someone who could easily break it, especially from his state of mind, but praying he wouldn't. Words wouldn't begin to explain how angry he would be at Louis for giving his hopes up, especially after something as serious as a pinky promise.

Throughout the whole day Harry would sneak peaks out his window to see if there was any sign of life from his neighbor in or out of the house. Though he didn't know which room was Louis', he hoped it was the one in the front not only because it'd be a cool way to communicate with him, but for confirmation (he did suspect his room to be in the front because of that one night he was drunk and fell asleep in his yard). Yesterday he saw movement when he glanced out the window, not like he was waiting by it all day because that would just be insane. Before bed, Harry thought one last look wouldn't hurt and when he opened his curtains he saw a small silhouette walking across the room with objects in their hand. Even if Harry didn't know for sure if it was Louis, relief still washed over him and he was able to sleep peacefully, unlike the night before.

Today would be the moment of truth to see whether or not Louis kept his promise (though if he hadn't Harry felt like there would've been a scene yesterday but who knows? The Tomlinson's are quite private.) Harry woke up earlier than he usually does, got ready in no time, and headed out the door to hopefully see his neighbor. When he checked the time on his phone it was only six fifty seven and Louis was nowhere in sight. This was about the time Louis would start heading out so the anxiety, worry, and anticipation flooded his veins again as he slowly made his way across the street. His heart was racing and his palms were beginning to sweat because the truth was about to be revealed in a matter of seconds whether he liked it or not.

Harry really did view Louis as one of his friends even if Louis didn't reciprocate it. To him, Louis was a reason. There was a reason why Louis took out the bin and had a tumble and there was a reason why Harry helped him. There was a reason why every time Harry sees Louis he smiles or anytime he gets Louis to smile those butterflies swarmed in his stomach. There was a reason why Harry moved hours away from his hometown and there was a reason why it was across the street from Louis. So even if Louis didn't view Harry as a friend, Harry knew there was so much more to them than friendship. Whether that be only caring and being there for each other, or having someone to talk to once in a while to have a laugh or a shoulder to cry on. Maybe the purpose of them meeting was merely to acknowledge that there are people in this world who need to be taught how to smile or that there are people who aren't always mean. Or maybe they weren't meant to be friends, and their fate was only to meet and grow from each other's existence.

Several minutes pass and Harry grew more and more anxious with every second. He contemplated on ringing the bell when a small and timid boy appeared behind the swinging door. Relief instantly coursed through his veins, limbs, mind, everything. "What are you smiling at?" Louis questioned taking small steps down his driveway with furrowed brows. His voice seemed... confident? And at ease?

"You're here," Harry sighed, not knowing what to say. He was happy, yeah, but he was also shocked. He knew Louis didn't view him as a friend so it was shocking he kept the promise. Granted, he could've done it for himself or his family and the promise meant nothing, but for Harry it meant everything. Like it's one step closer to becoming Louis' friend.

"I am." Louis' face burned red. "Stop." He furrowed his brows while swatting Harry's hand that stretched out to him.

"Sorry, I just wasn't sure if I was dreaming." Harry blushed because he didn't realize he actually attempted to reach out to Louis.

"Dreaming of me Styles?" Louis teased as he walked passed his neighbor.

"You kept your promise." Harry chased after Louis, catching up with him.

"Yeah, well, pinkies never lie."

"You're smiling, like willingly smiling. Wow this is just- in a good mood this morning?" Joy, glee and everything in between overcame him and he wanted so badly to hug Louis but decided against it, because, well, it's Louis. He's unpredictable. Seeing Louis smile without having to coax it out of him was something beyond this universe and he didn't want to ruin it.

"I guess so. I don't know, I feel different." Louis shrugged as if it was nothing. It was a show, of course, because internally he felt good. He felt so good and he couldn't explain why. He didn't really do much this weekend, nothing to make him feel the way he did at least. He did have an idea, however, and it definitely didn't have to do with a curly haired boy.

"Different how?"

"I don't know like-" Louis sighed, shaking his head. "Never mind, it's going to sound dumb."

"I can guarantee you it won't. Besides, if it does I promise to keep my mouth shut." Harry swiped his thumb and pointer finger across his lips as if zipping them shut and threw away the key.

"Shut it," Louis giggled, the wonderful sound resonating in Harry's ears and he thinks that's just the purest sound anyone or thing could muster.

"C'mon tell me."

"Why should I trust you?" Louis quirked an eyebrow, looking up at the curly boy.

"Because I'm charming, irresistible  _and_  I happen to be quite fond of your presence."

"What's that got to do with trust?"

"Well, I guess it doesn't but I think I've proven myself to be trustworthy these past few weeks."

"Care to elaborate?" Louis teased. Honestly, all of this was just to tease Harry. He found it funny- and annoying- how persistent and relentless Harry was on insisting they become friends. It was all flattering, yes, and maybe Louis' already been wooed, however the biggest factor they don't really have yet is trust. He knows Harry trusts him, he probably trusts anybody. But it scares him how much he wants to trust Harry when he doesn't know if he'll run back to Zayn and spill all of his secrets.

"I've been trying to knock on your door no matter how many times you slam it in my face. Which, I'd like to say, is very pointless because I've mastered lock picking." Louis rolled his eyes and looked down to his feet. It was quite endearing how Harry would play along with his own or anyone's metaphors, but all the while very irritating, but in the most endearing way of course. "I hope my actions towards you whenever you were down weren't anything disrespectful. I truly tried my best to comfort you and make sure you were safe and for that I think I deserve your trust."

"I'm not sure what you're more fond of, me or flattering yourself."

"Ah, you're a close second." They both laughed shortly before Harry continued. "But seriously, you can trust me. It's nothing serious is it?"

"No, but you're a stranger." Louis remembered how Harry always took offense to referring him as a stranger.

Harry gasped, hovering his hand over his mouth. "You take that back."

Louis raised his arms in defense. "Can't, it's already been said."

"Well, the smile looks good on you whether you want to trust me or not. You should smile more often. You exude this energy, I'm not really sure how to explain it but it's very heartwarming." Harry heard Louis huff and shake his head but he was sure that there was a small smile hidden behind his teeth. "And I think you're quite interesting. It was the first time I got to see something other than the frown that's cemented to your face or the silence you convinced everyone to be the only thing you're capable of and it was nice."

"All I did was cry; I was hysterical. How is that something worth wanting to see?"

"Yeah you cried, but everybody cries. And I finally got to see you, the real you. There were no walls, no lies, no show. I got to see a Louis no one else sees and that's pretty amazing. I don't care if you were crying or if you were smiling or even if you didn't talk to me. The fact that you trusted me enough to see you be vulnerable is all that matters to me."

Louis' stomach swarmed with butterflies and warmth. He knew Harry wanted to his friend, but he didn't know that Harry wanted to know everything about him or want to exclusively see parts of his personality no one cares to see. The way he worded the last sentence was a tad bit sketch but it melted his heart nonetheless. "It was embarrassing."

Harry shook his head looking away from Louis. "Nah, I think it took courage."

"Courage," Louis repeated in disbelief. Crying takes courage? Having a mental breakdown takes courage? Embarrassing yourself takes courage?

"Yeah, it's not easy crying in front of people and you told me things I'm sure you haven't told a lot of people. That takes courage. Trusting takes courage." Louis didn't respond and continued to kick his feet on the pavement. "And don't worry, your secrets are safe with me. You've got my word." He stuck his pinky out and Louis might've interlocked his if he wasn't looking at the ground. So Harry retracted his hand and smiled, like always. Louis gives him nothing and yet he's always satisfied. "If I'm honest, you're growing on me Louis Tomlinson."

"I'd say the same to you Harry Styles." It barely came out as a whisper but the smile on Harry's face proved he had the ears of a hawk.

"Yeah?" Louis nodded his head, still afraid to make eye contact because he didn't want Harry to know he was smiling. That small, shy nod was all he needed for justification that there was a friendship in their future. "So, do you want to tell me why you feel different? If you don't trust me, that's fine. Trust takes time to build so I guess I'm going to have to wait, but I'd really like to know if had to do with Saturday because, well, if there was something I did that made you feel better then I'd like to know for the future."

"For the future?" Louis lifted a brow, looking up at Harry who was smirking back at him.

"Yeah, I've gotta know how to take care of my precious kitten when he's feeling down."

Louis decided to not respond to what he said because it'd only confuse him more. It was when Harry spoke like that where he questioned everything: Harry's intentions, his generosity,  _his sexuality_ , etc. So he thought telling him for a bit. It was nothing serious worth withholding, but, he will say, it was fun teasing Harry. "It just felt nice to talk, well, it was more like babbling since I was too busy losing my mind, but it was nice that someone was willing to listen. And having someone's input and opinion was nice as well. Even if it was temporary, it was nice to feel like someone loved and cared about me."

"I do care for you," Harry began. "I think it'd be pretty wasteful on my part to continue pursuing a friendship with the most stubborn person in the entire world if I didn't care." Louis would've believed it if Zayn's name didn't keep popping up in his mind. "And like I said before I'm quite fond of you and happen to really like you and I hope you know I'm being genuine." Louis didn't say anything in return. Keeping silent for a few seconds before Harry spoke up again (of course). "You know, I wouldn't mind if you wanted to vent to me more, I'm a wonderful listener  _and_  I can make us some nice hot tea for further comfort. After all, I didn't give you my number for no reason."

Louis never handled sentiment very well, especially Harry's, so to try and switch gears he said, "aren't you a charmer?" He rolled his eyes and looked up at Harry with a sparkle in his eyes that Harry's never seen before.

"Told you I'm charming." Harry waggled his eyebrows causing Louis to roll his eyes again and look away. He never really was one for eye contact. "So we're mates now?"

"I've never really liked that word 'mates'."

"How come?" They were almost to school and Harry really wanted to turn around and keep talking to Louis because who knows how long it's going to last? Because let's face it, tomorrow, maybe in a few hours, minutes even, Louis' going to revert back to how he usually is: sulky and moody, so he wanted to soak up every second he can of Louis being cheery.

"Dunno, maybe just when it's used with me. Don't really see myself as a  _mate_."

"Do you see yourself as a friend?" Louis chuckled, shaking his head which made Harry smile (of course). "Are we friends now?"

Louis pondered on the topic for a few seconds leaving Harry in suspicion as they crossed the street to the school. "I wouldn't say that just yet."

"So I've got a chance?"

"We'll see Styles." Harry beamed down at Louis who smiled back softly.

"Alright, well I guess I'll see you soon, yeah?" Harry took a few steps backwards, waiting for Louis to say his farewell.

"Wait. Before you go, I have something for you." Louis slipped his arm out of one of the straps to open the zip of his backpack.

"For me?" He took those few steps back towards Louis in confusion but a growing smile soon replaced it.

"Yeah, close your eyes."

"Louis-"

"C'mon, close your eyes." Harry did as he was told, placing a hand over his eyes as Louis rummaged through his bag. "Put your hands out." And Harry did, making sure his eyes were squeezed shut before removing his hand. Louis placed the items on Harry's hands and took a step back, putting his backpack on. "Open," he sheepishly said.

Harry opened his eyes in excitement because no one's really ever surprised him like this before, especially not someone like Louis (in the sense that he keeps rejecting his offers and wants pretty much nothing to do with him). "Louis."

"Please don't hate it," Louis thought out loud, catching Harry's attention. "Sorry. Um, I just- I've never really done this before so I wasn't sure what to do but I wanted you to know I appreciated your presence on Saturday. You quite literally saved my life and I know the biscuits aren't much, but I hope it's okay." In Harry's hands were a few biscuits in a small Tupperware container, an envelope and a flower.

"Are they good? The biscuits I mean." Harry was gleaming with excitement. No one's ever made him food before, except his family of course. The fact that Louis took time out of his day to make something for Harry set something warm off inside him.

"I hope so." Louis flushed red, his demeanor became bashful. He's always loved baking and  _he_  thought they were good, but he doesn't really know what Harry likes or if he's allergic to anything. "Wait!" he screeched as Harry pulled a biscuit out.

"What?" Harry laughed with a raised brow.

"Are you allergic to anything?" Harry shook his head, bringing the biscuit to his lips. "Okay then continue."

He raised an eyebrow in speculation, removing the biscuit from his mouth and reaching into the container to grab another one. Offering it to Louis he said, "Have one with me."

"Why?" Louis made no move to grab the biscuit and just watched as Harry kept shaking his hand. There was nothing wrong with the biscuits, obviously, he just wasn't in the mood for sweets.

"Because if you poisoned these biscuits I won't be the only one dying."

"Why on earth would I poison them?"

"Dunno, maybe that's been your plan. You know I'm very fond of you and you're obviously annoyed by my persistence so you want to get rid of me."

"Brownies would've been a better disguise wouldn't it? And I better way to go." Louis smirked. This was the most banter he's been involved in in the past few years and he's invigorated. He feels like he's on top of the world, like there aren't any problems in life.

"C'mon, taste with me." He pushed his hand closer, shaking it obnoxiously.

"Ugh," Louis groaned snatching the biscuit from his hand. "I've already tasted them."

"But taste it with  _me_." Louis rolled his eyes and followed Harry when he brought the biscuit to his mouth. "One, two, three," he counted down and took a bite after three expecting Louis to do the same but he made no move. "Hey!" Louis giggled, taking a small bite. "Woah."

"How is it?" He became very anxious again because, well, he's never made someone food before, especially not someone as pretty as Harry. They've got to have high standards, right? (Well he wants to be friends with Louis so how high can his standards be?)

Harry raised a finger to give him time to chew and swallow. The biscuit was absolutely perfect, Harry thought. It had the perfect amount of crisp on the outside, the perfect browning on the bottom, and the inside, oh my god. The inside was so soft and warm? The chips were semi melted and it made Harry smile because Louis either made these this morning (probably not) or made them last night and heated them up this morning because he knew that's how they tasted best. "You want my honesty?" Harry asked after swallowing and swiping his tongue around his mouth. Louis nodded his head, nervous, because those words couldn't possibly be positive. And the fact that he couldn't read Harry's face didn't help. "Um, well-"

"If you don't like them I can take it back." Louis went to reach for the container but Harry snatched it out of his reach.

"Woah, woah, woah. Paws off kitten." Whether or not Harry hissed will remain unknown. "These are mine. They're delicious, really. One of the best I've had."

Louis' cheeks tinted red from the compliment. "Really?" He took a small step backwards, pulling off the edges of his biscuit.

"Um, yeah. You made these?" Louis nodded. "Yeah, well they're amazing. The perfect texture and everything. Thank you."

"It's no trouble. I should thank you, for the help and stuff. It was nice."

"We should do it more often then. If it means I'll get delicious biscuits out of it then why not, right?" Harry took another bite of his biscuit, smirking as he watched Louis roll his eyes for probably the hundredth time this morning.

"Don't hold your breath Styles." Louis went to walk away with a small smile that only Harry seemed to cause.

"Hey, wait." Harry caught up to him, moving the items in his hand. "A rose?"

"Oh, yeah. Um, I like flowers and it's from my garden so I hope you don't hate it. You also look like a rose kind of guy." Roses symbolize love, romance, passion, and beauty and though Louis' never really seen the romantic side of Harry, he knew that he held an abundance of love. There was nothing but love and understanding exuding from him whenever he interacted with Louis or anyone for that matter.

In Greek mythology, Aphrodite was portrayed to be adorned in roses around her head, neck, and feet. It was interpreted that the connection between her and the rose was that it came from the rose bush that grew in a pool of blood of her slain Adonis. Because of this, it was said that roses symbolize immortal love that defies time and death. Louis used to be obsessed with Greek mythology in secondary school so of course he knew this but that's not exactly why he gave Harry the rose. Immortal means timeless or undying. And he viewed that Harry's capable of such a strong love that it could be overwhelming at times (he's experienced this first hand). So immortal love signifying Harry's capability of immense benevolence.

The love Harry makes sure there is in the world is so much more powerful than anything he's ever felt before. The feeling is so intense and overbearing that one might not be able to handle it. But it's that kind of intense love this world and individuals need to prosper. The world generates on love because without it everyone would be insane. A world with no love is like a world with no laws, people would do whatever they please.

In tarot a rose is considered to symbolize balance. The flower in itself expresses promise, hope, and new beginnings. This was absolutely Harry to a T. Ever since the curly haired boy moved across the street from him, Louis couldn't help but feel change despite his pleadings to not fall for his charm. Harry was the promise that not everyone in this world is horrible. He was the hope of friendship that Louis longed for (even if he won't admit it). And he was the new beginnings in Louis' life. There hasn't been much notice, but Louis' changed a lot over the past few weeks and it was crazy that he remembered how to do all of the things he hasn't done in a long time. It was like bringing a dying plant back to life, very hard but still possible to do.

"Of course I don't, they're my favorite." Harry inspected the rose in awe. Maybe it was something about the way the sun was shining that morning or the smell of the breeze or maybe because Louis grew the rose in his garden that it was one of the prettiest he's ever seen. "You know, you're like a rose too, all sweet and stuff."  Harry saw the small rectangles on the stem where Louis plucked the thorns. This, of course, was for Harry's safety but Louis was a sucker for symbolism especially when he knows Harry won't know the meaning. In case you ever wondered, Louis knows a lot of random facts, whether it be educational or just for fun.

After great thought the night before Louis came to the conclusion that maybe him and Harry are compatible after all. If something as beautiful as a rose can have something as dangerous as thorns living on them, then maybe a friendship between these two boys is possible. If Harry was a rose then Louis would be the thorns. Thorns symbolize loss, defense, hurt and thoughtlessness, all of which pertained to Louis. He was always on guard and protective of himself. A thornless rose represents hope and maybe he did have hope of a friendship.

"Cliché," Louis blushed.

"Yeah, well what's yours then?"

"Enjoy your gifts Mr. Styles." Again, Louis walked away but, again, Harry caught up with him.

"Tell me." Louis shook his head, keeping his gaze forward and a smile present. "Why not?" He didn't answer though, leaving Harry in suspicion. It wasn't a big deal, however, like mentioned before, Louis was in a teasing mood and Harry was very susceptible to that. "You wrote me a letter?" He decided to change the subject.

"Not a letter, just a small note of appreciation."

"So a short letter?"

"Nope, a small note of appreciation." Harry really couldn't believe Louis was real. He was like something out of a movie. The peculiar, underrated guy who people either looked over or teased. The boy with high intelligence and weird quirks and a soft, kind personality that everyone missed out on because they're too worried about a reputation. And usually in those movies that peculiar boy would jump at any attention given to them, soak it all in and be radiating. But not Louis.

Louis was stubborn and hated attention. He liked to be on the sidelines away from everyone else. Being in his own little bubble in his own little world didn't sound bad to him and he preferred it that way. Any attention Harry gave him, Louis just brushed off. He didn't want it, so Harry assumed at first. But the more he got to know the strange boy who never talks, he actually realized just how parched Louis was for attention. Just like anyone else, he longs for it but waits for it to come to him instead of seeking it. And even then he's very selective of it, which is quite strange but he doesn't like putting himself out there for chance.

"Okay, well thank you for this small note of appreciation, I  _appreciate_  it. Same goes for the biscuits and flower. They're all nice and weren't necessary but greatly appreciated." Louis halfheartedly smiled, his mood already dropping when stepping on school grounds, and firmly nodded.

The warning bell rang signaling the five minutes they had to get to class. "I'll see you later then." They parted ways without saying anything more, Louis to his locker and Harry to god knows where. As he walked to his locker, Louis reflected on the past thirty minutes or so. He hasn't been this playful or talkative to someone other than Emily in years. It was strange all the while being so refreshing. For that half hour he felt normal, like nothing was haunting him and it was a nice escape, a  _really_  nice escape.

Harry, on the other hand, looked like an idiot with that stupid smile that only Louis could make him do. He walked down the opposite direction of the hall to Monet's locker. It's been awhile since he's felt this happy, this alive. There was just something about Louis that brought the best out of Harry even when they barely knew each other. Which is quite powerful and confusing all in one because he's never felt this way when he's with Monet.

"H, hey?" Monet said, confused, as Harry walked to her with his hands full. "What's it you got there?"

As if the smile on Harry's face couldn't possibly get bigger and yet it did, quite literally casting enough light to power the school. "They were gifted to me." Why was Harry so proud? He couldn't wait to tell Monet about his gifts because, well, they were from that beautifully peculiar boy who has so much love to give but no one gives him the time for him to.

"A secret admirer?" She quirked an eyebrow. She wasn't jealous, no. Little did she ever get jealous. It wasn't part of her personality to be jealous. She relied on trust. There's no need to get jealous because if you trust your partner and they respect that, there's no need for jealousy. However, she did feel a tad conflicted because someone gave her boyfriend biscuits, a note, and rose that wasn't her.

"Is it still a secret if I know he goes by the name Louis Tomlinson?"

Monet raised her eyebrows, dropping her head forward in disbelief which made Harry burst in joy. He was the only one to be receiving presents from the small boy and wow did he feel special. "Louis Tomlinson. Like  _the_  Louis Tomlinson? Louis Tomlinson who doesn't speak to anyone Louis Tomlinson?" Harry nodded his head excitedly and started walking towards his next class with Monet by his side. "But why?"

"An appreciation gift I guess. I saw him on Saturday feeling down and helped talk him through it. He said no one's really done that for him and since he's not good with words he did this."

"He's a sweetheart isn't he?" Monet remembered a time where Louis would pick small wildflowers for the girls in recess everyday, either handing it to them or, usually, sticking them behind their ear. All the girls loved him.

"Yeah," Harry gushed. "I'll see you later Mo." She gave him a nod before disappearing down the hall as Harry walked into the classroom. He sat in his assigned seat, organizing the items he had on his hands into his bag, being extra careful with the rose. Harry was beyond eager to read the 'small note of appreciation' that he may or may not have been walking rather quickly to his class to get rid of Monet. He inspected the envelope, completely left in awe by the way Louis scratched his name on the small envelope, but laughed when he saw that right below it was  _kitten_  in Harry's handwriting, crossed out. He shook his head, swiftly, but gently, opening the envelope- which had a sticker of a rose to keep it sealed. It read:

_Um hi. Looks like you're not the only one who can write notes. Well, anyway, I guess I just wanted to thank you for Saturday. It was kind of you to do and I do appreciate it. That's pretty much it. I guess I could've told you that face to face, and I might've but future me please don't or else writing this note was a waste. I'm just not the best at articulating words with my mouth? If that makes sense. It's just the presence of another person that gets me anxious and antsy so words don't really form. And when I'm alone, I can write all day because whenI give it to you I don't have to see your reaction. But anyway, enjoy the biscuits (hopefully they're not rubbish) and the flower, it came from my garden so if you don't I just killed a flower for no reason. I'll see you sometime._

_(Also, I'm reusing the envelope you gave me because I didn't have one and wanted this paper to be protected. Oops?)_

_-Louis_

Yes, Harry might be smiling like a clown but in his defense Louis is a ray of sunshine so he can't help it. Seriously, there was personality and sass in that letter, parts of Louis that no one sees. But Harry got to, even if this was last time, he had a chance to see it and that's all that matters. He could  _feel_  Louis' walls slowly, but surely, crumbling down. So yeah, maybe for the rest of his lesson he's smiling like the idiotic fool he was.

 

** 3:01 pm **

School was finally over and Louis' mood had dropped significantly since that morning. There was something about that place that put a hole in what was left of his self worth. And that 'thing' has a name starting with a 'Z' and ended with an 'ayn'. But it wasn't even him most of the time. It was mainly his friends or people who wanted to be seen as someone to or be liked by Zayn. Pitiful is what it was. Having the need to be noticed by someone of a 'higher ranking' than you to feel okay with yourself but that's neither here nor there.

As usual, Louis waited behind for a bit for the halls to clear out before making his way back home. The walk was boring but he had something to look forward to, motivation to walk as fast as possible: the comfort of his home. "Oh Louis," he heard Harry sing from behind him and god could he never get a break? This morning he was fun and all, sure, but he just wasn't in the mood anymore. So he said nothing, he might've rolled his eyes, and kept walking straight. Harry jogged some to walk in line with his neighbor. "How was your day?"

"Was fine," Louis mumbled pushing his head down.

Harry caught onto the shift in mood from this morning and looked down to him with furrowed brows. "Only fine? Nothing special happened?" He knew the moment he pitied Louis was the moment the walls would build up again.

Louis was almost home when Harry spotted him, making him only a block away now, so this conversation wasn't something he worried about prolonging. "Not really."

"That's a shame."

"Sure. See you whenever." Louis didn't care for Harry's reply and walked right up his lawn.

"Wait!" Louis' body defied his wants when he halted in his place and waited for Harry to stand in front of him. "Since nothing special happened, hopefully this will change that. After all, everyone deserves to have a special moment everyday." Harry handed him a light pink envelope, smiling when Louis hesitantly took it. "Bye kitten, I'll see you tomorrow." And Harry disappeared, leaving Louis sort of confused and maybe a little less sad.

As he walked into his house, he repeatedly slapped the the note against his hand, clicking his tongue. He didn't open the envelope until he was sat at his desk with his glasses perched on his nose. The faintest smile emerged when he saw that Harry crossed out his name and wrote  _Kitten_  below both names in his beautiful cursive handwriting. It read:

_Louis,_

_It's nice to know you saved my card from before, or should I say small note of appreciation? Anywho, the biscuits were absolutely delicious. Maybe we could bake some together sometime, I sure wouldn't mind especially if you're my teacher (you're nice to look at). The rose is still lovely and intact and when I get home I'm putting it into a small vase for my room so thank you for new decorations. And for the small note of appreciation, well... it was cute. But I really wish all that personality that you put into that small note of appreciation could shine when we're talking one on one. I know you don't trust me but hopefully overtime I can prove you wrong, yeah? Well, I'm just about done saying everything I wanted to say. Thank you for everything, one small note of appreciation to another. Have a wonderful night._

_Yours truly,_  
_Harry xx_

There's not much left to say. What would there be to say? It's obvious that Harry wasn't going to stop even when Louis wasn't in a good mood. He wasn't going to stop when Louis was happy, sad, hysterical, or ecstatic. To anyone other than Louis, these actions would seem to be harmless and absorb every ounce of friendship Harry would have to offer, but there was this overwhelming feeling Louis had that stopped him from doing those things. And just like most things in his life as of late, it revolved around Zayn.  
  



	14. or he was conquered by a greater force: benevolence

mood: here comes the sun- the beatles  
  


 

 

** Friday, September 21th 7:46 pm **

At long last it was Friday and Louis could finally relax. He didn't see much of Harry this past week. In the mornings he'd be picked up by one of his friends for an early morning workout, or at least that's what he was told when Harry was out of breath with sweat dripping down his body or when he was freshly showered in the mornings. Not a day went by that Harry wouldn't explain to Louis about his whereabouts that morning. It was with the best intentions and it's not like Louis didn't care, but he didn't think it was that serious. The truth is him and Harry still aren't friends so he didn't understand why his need to express why he couldn't walk to school with him those mornings were important.

It was as though ever since Saturday something shifted in Harry. Yeah he's always been persistent and a pest, but it's only doubled since then. There was one day he'd find Louis in the halls for a quick chat before class or wait by their lockers when he knew Louis was going to be there because he wanted to talk. Other than that day, there was barely a sight of him. Maybe a few of him passing by with Monet or his friends but that was the extent of it. No interactions, no glances, no smiles, nothing.

When Louis would walk home Harry never bothered him, usually riding with a friend or staying behind for another workout. Louis never minded, in fact he preferred it this way. It was like his life was slowly returning back to normal. Harry was distancing himself more and Louis actually found alone time to think and let his mind be free— which may or may not be a good thing. Maybe he could live on this way, how his life was before Harry moved here but having knowledge that he is here and willing to listen. Maybe when his emotions become unbearable he'd ring the curly boy and have a conversation and that'll be the extent of their relations with one another and  _maybe_  Louis didn't think that sounded so bad.

But then again, this is Harry. The boy who hasn't given up since day one despite the lack of interest from the opposing party. The boy who didn't leave after Louis' multiple breakdowns. Someone who cared for Louis when he wasn't doing well and cared to listen to what he had to say. Somebody who continually put effort into a relationship that doesn't exist. There was just no way he was going to let the possibility of this friendship slip away. Harry wasn't going anywhere anytime soon and Louis knew that.

Louis' parents were upstairs while he sat on the living room couch doing his homework with a movie playing in the background. Whilst working, he gave occasional glances up at the screen for a few seconds only to go back to doing his homework. Louis wore loose black sweats, a grey puma jumper, grey beanie, and maroon socks. He sat with his feet on the couch, knees close to his chest with his homework resting on them.

He was halfway through his homework when the bell chimed through the house. Setting his homework on the coffee table, he got up to open the door. He heard his parents' movement from upstairs to get the door because they knew Louis didn't like to open it. But he yelled, "I got it," since he was closer and from the simple fact that they don't get many visitors so it couldn't be anything too bad, right? Walking up the few steps needed to get to the front door from the living room, he opened the door and was met with a bright, dimpled smile.

"Hiya Louis," Harry smiled. He wore a light brown jumper, black jeans, and brown boots, his backpack slung off of one shoulder. "Well isn't someone cute cute with their glasses?" Well it could be worse, like a murderer or those pesky salesman who try to sell you useless crap.

Louis blushed twiddling with his fingers. "Wh-what are you doing here?" he asked  in disbelief and confusion. It was a Friday night and didn't the popular kids usually go out and hang with each other? And out of all places Harry was standing at his doorstep. "I'm sure you're aware but this isn't your home."

Harry chuckled, looking around in a mock panic, poking fun at Louis' remarks. "I know sunshine. You owe me a homework and movie date, remember?" Harry said stepping into the house and observing the space. Louis didn't stop him, rather watched him walk into the house in shock. Harry was in his house and he walked in so casually as if it was his own. He looked towards the living room to see Louis' homework on the table with a movie softly playing in the background. "I see you've started without me, I'm hurt." He walked towards the living room with such ease and confidence. "Oo, fancy," he said stepping down the three steps to get into the living room with Louis following behind timidly.

Harry sat in the middle of the couch, taking his backpack off his shoulder, putting it on the floor by his feet. Louis stood at the top of the steps looking down into the living room. It was strange. Harry was acting as if he just walked into his own home. He acted so nonchalant about it. He didn't mind Harry's comfortability, but it bizarre just how comfortable he was in someone's home whom he wasn't necessarily friends with. "I didn't think you were serious," Louis replied softly walking down the steps.

"Why would I ask to hangout if I wasn't serious?" Harry questioned, pulling the last item he needed out of his backpack.

"I don't know, could've just been a joke. Like playful banter." Louis sat down on the couch by the arm rest, bringing his knees up to his chin, curling into a ball. The presence of someone other than his parents in his home made him the slightest bit nervous so he tried his best to keep his distance and close himself off. It was only Harry and he knew he wasn't malicious but it didn't matter. They weren't friends.

"Nope. Anything that involves hanging out with THEE Louis Tomlinson is always serious and never jokes." He flipped through his textbook searching for the page he needed. "But if this is your way of saying you want me to leave then I will. Wouldn't want to intrude your space." Once found, he looked up at Louis and couldn't help but smile at how tiny he looked. "You're so small."

Louis blushed and hid his face behind his knees. "Don't call me small." Louis peered up to look at Harry through his long lashes.

"What? You are. Do you want me to lie?" Harry smiled even wider, chuckling a bit. Louis was so tiny especially curled up in a ball like how he was.

"Oh, give me a break, I'm big," Louis said through giggles, bringing his face out of his knees, face still pink. He grabbed his homework from the table, setting it on his lap after crossing his legs.

"Yeah, sure. We'll say that." Harry grabbed a pencil out of the front pocket of his backpack. He smirked and leaned back on the couch and opened his notebook. "So do you want me out or?" He started scanning over the problems waiting for Louis' response. After a few seconds of silence Harry looked at his neighbor then followed his eyes to the screen. "Grease huh?"

"Yeah, it's um, it's my favorite," Louis said with a smile, eyes never leaving the screen. After a few minutes, he looked away and started to read over the questions, tapping his pencil on his notebook. He could feel Harry's gaze on him, so he looked over, catching a cheeky grin on his face. Louis flushed red and smiled the tiniest bit. "Why are you looking at me Styles?"

Harry snapped out of the somewhat of a trance he was in but continued to look at Louis, studying him. "You're just interesting to watch." Harry smiled even wider, dimples deepening. He looked away, grabbed his pencil and focused on his work. And Louis watched him for a couple seconds before going back to his. "You know," Harry paused as he scribbled numbers onto his notebook. "I've never really seen Grease."

Louis' head snapped to the side, practically causing him whiplash, and Harry smiled wide. He's seen Grease, of course he has, who hasn't? But he has tactics and is sure this one will definitely work. "You're joking right?"

"Nope."

"How have you not seen Grease? It's one of the best movies of all time."

Harry shrugged, squinting his eyes reading the small numbers in the textbook and punching them into the calculator. "To be fair love, that's only your opinion."  Harry'd type then scribble, type then scribble. "Besides," he began, dropping his pencil on his notebook and using both hands to type numbers into the calculator. "Grease isn't my type of movie. I'm not really one to watch musicals or corny romance movies."

"You know at first I didn't mind your presence but now I think it's time for you to leave." It was hard for both Harry and Louis to differentiate whether or not he was joking or being serious.

So Harry turned his head to Louis with a frown. "Wait, why?" Okay so maybe his tactics didn't go as planned.

"You haven't seen Grease or like musicals. How do expect me to pursue a friendship when you've just insulted my whole being?" Louis turned his torso so he could look at the curly boy with angry brows.

"You like musicals?"

"Obviously. What's not to like?" He identified with musicals and Harry could see the relation. Especially within the few minutes they've spent together tonight. Louis was slightly theatrical and he does speak in a melodic way now that Harry thinks of it. His words were so clearly pronounced when he spoke as well (sometimes).

"Dunno, just not my thing." He geared his attention back to his homework after looking at the telly for a few seconds.

"Uncultured," Louis scoffed, snatching his pencil off his notebook. He huffed reading over the extended response question. He wasn't mad just disappointed that Harry has never seen Grease.

"Why're huffing and puffing big bad wolf?" Harry smirked, watching how Louis applied a heavy pressure onto the paper with his pencil as he wrote.

"You've never seen Grease."

"And?"

"And you don't like musicals."

"So what?"

"That's stupid." Louis lifted his left knee, leaning his head against it so his face was hidden from his neighbor. "You're stupid," he whispered.

Harry chortled at the remark. "If it's such a big deal then why don't we have a movie night and we could watch all your favorite musicals." And his plan is back in motion.

"I don't think I'm going to have a choice. That's such a disgrace." And it looks like his tactics actually worked for once.

"Well I'm not sure if I want to have that if you're going to be rude to me the whole time."

"We shouldn't even be doing homework right now, you need to watch this movie."

"Is the scholarly Louis Tomlinson trying to convince me to halt my workings on academics to watch an old movie?" His eyebrows danced in amusement as Louis huffed, sitting back into the sofa.

"It's important Harry! And it's a classic, I just don't understand how you've never seen it." Harry found it quite comical and entertaining just how passionate Louis was about Grease and musicals in general.

"Shush up and get to work kitten. Nothing's going to get done if you keep causing a scene." He began his work again with a struggle, it was maths after all, with Louis following behind but not after huffing and pouting. He grabbed his pencil with attitude, dropping his fist onto the notebook with force. Harry laughed shaking his head. "Calm down Hulk."

"Be quiet," was all Louis said in a harsh tone and an angry face.

"As you wish," Harry smiled, pressing his pencil to his notebook. He found mad Louis incredibly adorable. Seriously, how can you take Louis seriously when he was mad? While throwing his fit Harry couldn't help but smile because it was cute; Louis being mad over a movie with great passion.

"Sh."

 

** 8:37 pm **

Louis was on his last assignment and has since calmed down from his earlier antics. Him and Harry did their assignments in silence, besides the few remarks coming from the taller boy just to annoy Louis even further. ("So is this Danny Zuko guy going to be a douchebag the whole movie?" "Don't say that word." "Which one?" "You know." "Movie?") Louis didn't believe Harry one bit when he said he hasn't seen Grease because that's literally impossible. And he felt like the pestering questions were simply to annoy him but Harry really did sound clueless.

Since then Louis restarted the movie from where he was at so Harry could at least hear it from beginning to end while they did their homework side by side. Harry huffed, tapping his pencil annoyingly— and rather aggressively— on his textbook running his hands through his hair in agitation. Louis looked over at him with furrowed brows. "You uh, you okay?"

"Yeah, just- can you help me with this?" Harry scooted closer to where Louis was sitting on the couch. "See, I've redone this problem like three times but I keep getting the same answer— the same wrong answer. The answer's supposed to be three thousand four hundred thirty-three, but I keep getting error." Harry showed him the calculator that displayed the word 'ERROR' across the screen. Louis busted out laughing, gripping his stomach and squeezing his eyes shut. It wasn't really that funny and Louis didn't understand why he was laughing so hard but it felt nice to laugh and let go. "Hey, it's not funny. Help me," Harry whined, smiling at the sweet sound coming from Louis' mouth.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Louis tried to speak through his laughs. "Let me see your work." He was handed the calculator and notebook, giving it a hard stare. Louis switched from looking over Harry's work to his calculator multiple times with Harry watching in anticipation. He's never been good at maths and even though he needed the help he couldn't stop himself from being slightly embarrassed. Especially in front of the smartest person in the senior class (he's seen the rankings). Louis pushed his glasses up his nose and sighed deeply. "Look," he leaned closer to Harry, their arms touching, "you did everything right in the notebook, but when you go to the calculator that's where you messed up. The littlest things matter. See?" Louis showed him the calculator with the right answer displayed on the screen.

"Wh-what? How did you do that?" Harry asked snatching the calculator from his hands trying to compare his work with Louis'.

"You forgot to add the double parenthesis in the denominator," he pointed to the screen on the calculator where he messed up, "along with the negative sign for the exponent." He handed Harry his notebook back.

"English?" Louis proceeded to explain to him at a much slower rate and in somewhat simpler terms on what he did wrong. "Oh," he extended, "I see. I didn't think it would be that big a deal if I left them out."

"Well, obviously you were wrong," Louis sassed with a quirked brow.

"Oo, someone's getting comfortable with me," Harry smirked with raised brows. Louis shook his head and went back to doing his homework. "I don't know Louis, you-"

"Sh," Louis shushed cutting him off.

"What? You-"

"Shhhh," he shushed him louder, covering Harry's mouth with his hand. "This is my favorite part." Louis looked up to the screen as did Harry. "Well this car could be systematic. Hydromatic. Ultramatic. Why it could be greased lightnin." Louis started to bob his head, dancing and singing along to the song from where he was sitting. Harry's attention went from the screen to watching Louis mimic the dance moves, until his eyes stayed on the theatrical boy with a stupid smile on his face. "Go Grease Lightnin you're burnin up the quarter mile." Louis replicated the hand movements like he's been doing this forever. "Grease lightnin, go grease lightnin."

Louis' mum walked out her room because of the loud commotion coming from the level below. She stopped at the railing of the indoor balcony and looked down into the living room. She smiled down at Louis seeming to have a good time. Then looked over to see Harry sitting next to him smiling fondly. She smiled even wider and walked back into her room without saying anything but knowing that Louis had someone in his life.

Louis continued to dance and sing along while Harry just watched. To answer his thoughts from earlier this week, yes Louis was something out of a movie. There was just no way he could be real. He had to be a made up character because he was too pure and gentle and sweet to be real. "You are supreme, the chicks'll cream for Grease lightnin, lightnin, lightnin, lightnin, lightnin, lightniiiinn." Louis ended with strong jazz hands and a wide grin, his breathing fast and short. He looked over to Harry with scrunched eyebrows when the scene continued. "You have a staring problem," he said shortly, grabbing his pencil and going back to his homework as if nothing happened.

"You sing," Harry said more than asked. Louis' face turned red and he shook his head not budging from his homework. "Uh, yes you do, I just heard you. It was like a trip to heaven." Harry fluttered his eyes looking up to the ceiling with his hands clasped to his chest. "A true blessing."

"No, I don't- I can't sing. Not that good anyway." He stopped moving his pencil but kept his eyes on his book. From his peripheral he could see Harry frown, shifting his body to face more towards him.

"Yes you do, I just heard you. Lying's a sin, you know." Louis looked over his shoulder, rolling his eyes.

"And how would you know it's any good?"

"Well Mr. Tomlinson, I happen to be known to hold a tune here or there. And with my expertise I think I have the credibility to say that your voice is like sweet honey, purely angelic." Louis' face burned in redness from the compliments and the sweet smile Harry had on his face.

"Sing for me."

"What?" Harry laughed at Louis' bluntness.

"You say you can sing, so sing for me." Louis turned his body so his back was resting against the arm rest with his arms and legs crossed.

"No."

"Why not? Because lying is a sin?"

Harry laughed shaking his head and turned on the couch, copying Louis' position, their knees centimeters apart. "No, I just don't want to be overshadowed by the immense talent you hold in your throat." He leaned over, tapping the small bump on Louis' throat causing him to cough. "Sorry," he whispered, chuckling.

"Well I want to hear you sing."

"I'll save it for another time kitten. Maybe I'll serenade you one day and  _maybe_  you could join in and make it sound better."

"If you sound like dying cat, maybe. But even then I don't think I could do much help with making it sound better." Louis tittered, looking down to his lap as he tapped the tips of his fingers against each other.

Harry was quiet for a few moments before reaching for the remote to pause the movie. Louis stilled his movements, looking up at him in confusion. "Hm, yeah, so I just came to the conclusion that we need to hang out more so you can be less self-deprecating."

Louis smiled softly. "That's a big word Mr. Error," he teased.

"Hey, that's not funny," Harry pouted, crossing his arms across his chest. "I'm not good at maths." Harry lightly hit Louis on the shoulder, quickly regretting his actions by retracting his hand because he knew Louis would tense. But when all Louis did was laugh he grew confused.

"Yeah, I can tell." He turned his body away from Harry, going back to doing his homework.

"You're comfortable with me. You trust me?" Harry asked keeping an intense stare on Louis.

Louis looked up to face Harry. "What?" he asked smiling ever so slightly.

"You're comfortable with me." He didn't want to mention how he tenses at human touch, not wanting to bring up any possible triggers.

Louis got awkward. He looked down and started to fidget with his fingers and the cuffs of his sleeves. He pushed his glasses back up his nose, clearing his throat. "I uh, I'm uh, I-I'm sorry. I know I-I shouldn't. Sorry for-" his eyes began to water. He's never been put in this situation before. He was comfortable with Harry. Who wouldn't be when all he did was ensure warmth and safety? After all of the inner wars of trying to hold back on trusting this new guy who could easily rip him apart, it's as though he's surrendered: raising his white flag, not wanting to fight with himself anymore. Or he was conquered by a greater force: benevolence.

"Why are you apologizing Lou? There's nothing to apologize for. I like it. I like that you're getting comfortable with me. It makes it easier for me to become your friend." Louis chuckled, shaking his head as Harry wrapped an arm around Louis' shoulders, pulling him closer. "Are we friends?" he spoke softly into Louis' hair.

Louis shrugged, his head dropping down. "You said I was your friend." His voice was so soft and delicate it reminded Harry of a scared child. A scared child who's longing for love and acceptance.

Harry chuckled. "Yeah, you are my friend. But am I yours? Do I have the honor yet?"

Louis let out a gust of air through his nose in a silent laugh. "I'm afraid not," he whispered, closing his eyes as Harry's fingers lightly played with the short waves at the nape of his neck.

"That's a shame, innit?"

"It can be perceived that way, yeah."

"Well, I guess we're gonna have to make this a routine then." The room fell silent, the only sound that could be heard was the out of sync breathing of the two boys. "I know we've talked about this before and I'm sure you don't really care, but I'm sorry for not seeing you much this week, especially in the mornings. I've been trying to work out a bit more and I'm not really sure where I want it in my schedule."

"It's fine Harry, gotta do what you gotta do." Louis really shouldn't let Harry touch him how he is but he really likes it. "You've got important things to do."

"Yeah but you're important too. It's only been a few days and I miss our walks."

"You miss our walks?" He turned his head to look at the taller boy.

"Course. It's like a breath of fresh air before entering the pits of hell this country likes to call school."

"I'd have to agree with you but it's different."

"How's it different?"

"Well you're you and I'm me," Louis laughed, trying to dodge answering the question.

"Yeah? So what are you trying to say?" It's not that Harry's clueless, he's just blind to stereotypes and imperfections.

"Well you're new and cool and popular who has loads of friends and I'm just me. I get bullied by your friends and I'm the furthest thing from cool and popular."

Harry frowned, gently pushing Louis' head to his shoulder. "Well if it makes you feel any better, I happen to find you wickedly awesome. And popularity is overrated; you're too cool for everyone else."

Again, Louis should've stopped Harry from letting him lean his head on his shoulder but he didn't and he happened to like it. "If that's your way of pity, it was a nice try."

"Do they really still bully you?" Harry asked changing the subject.

"Yeah," Louis whispered back.

"I've talked to them to cool it down but I wasn't sure how it panned out." Louis' heart swelled. Harry talked to his friends to stop the bullying. Harry wanted the bullying to stop even though it had nothing to do with him. Harry didn't want Louis to hurt anymore. Harry wanted Louis to be happy.

"Well it has slowed down some but you can't convince everyone."

"Yeah, I know." Harry sounded so sad that Louis wanted to hug him but he didn't. "But it's good to hear it's not as bad." Louis didn't respond and just savored the peaceful moment. After minutes, Harry continued to trail his fingers in circles on Louis' neck and Louis tried to keep himself calm. Now that they weren't talking it was as if Harry's touch intensified. He wasn't freaking out, no, but he didn't want to get too excited from the soft soft soft touches he was receiving. But that was all interrupted when Harry's phone vibrated. Louis' body tensed from the sudden noise and Harry apologized soon after. He reached forward, his hand never leaving Louis' warmth. He checked his phone and spoke, "Mumsy wants me home." Harry retracted his arm and started packing up his things. Louis immediately shivered from the sudden loss of heat, wishing Harry's hand could stay there forever— in a completely platonic way of course.

Louis stayed quiet, watching Harry pack his books into his backpack. He stood up when Harry was almost finished and walked him to the door. The two stopped in front of the door standing across from one another. Louis looked down, fidgeting with his fingers. "Um, thank you," he said softly, gaining a little bit of courage to look up from his hands to Harry.

Harry looked confused, tilting his head slightly. "For?" he extended the word.

"For um, for hanging out with me tonight. Even though we mainly did homework, it was still nice to uh, t-to have someone here." He looked back down taking a sudden interest in the hem of his shirt.

"Look at me." Louis slowly brought his head up but when Harry smiled down at him, he looked back down, smiling. "No, no, no. Look back up." Louis did as he was told, wiping the smile from his face before Harry could see. "Smile." Louis gave a weak smile. "C'mon Greased lightnin, smile." Louis laughed from the nickname he was given. "There you go. Smile more, you look like an angel." Harry pushed the fringe out of Louis' eyes and the glasses back up his nose.

"Cheesy," Louis said blushing like crazy. He never took compliments well, especially not from someone as pretty as he found Harry.

Harry opened the front door and stepped outside. He walked down the steps and stopped at the bottom, turning around and slowly walked backwards. "I should be thanking you Lou." He turned back around and walked the rest of the way without another glance.

Louis watched Harry walk to his house to make sure he made it home safely. Yeah he only lived across the street but anything can happen. And it's not like Louis could offer much protection if anything bad did happen but it's the thought that counts. Once he disappeared into his own house, Louis closed the door behind him, leaning against it and whispered "Lou," to himself with a wide grin on his face and butterflies overpowering his senses.

 


	15. people pledge for world peace but still have hate in their hearts

mood: ivory black- oliver riot  
  


 

 

** Saturday, September 22nd 9:23 am **

Harry woke up the next morning feeling like he always did, tired but happy because he has another day to live. It's easy to be ungrateful for things that are given but he tried his best to appreciate every waking morning even if he dreaded them at times. This morning he felt happier than usual, refreshed even. It was an overpowering feeling, like an abundance of happiness that appeared out of nowhere for really no reason at all. But he tried to pay no mind to it and got up to brush his teeth. He splashed his face with water and rested his hands on either side of the sink, lifting his head up to look at his reflection in the mirror, watching the droplets drip down his face. After a few seconds of inspection, he dropped his head, taking a few deep breaths and shut his eyes.

It wasn't unusual for his mind to run wild the second he woke up. Harry was always full of poetic words and phrases, lots of things he wanted to say but never had the chance to. With everything he saw, a thought or lyrical sentence would pop into his mind but the only thing he thought about since he fell asleep last night were flashes of his time with Louis. Last night was truly amazing even if all they did was homework. After hours of pondering, Harry realized how alive he felt after hanging out with Louis and it felt so different than with any of his other friends. There wasn't an act he had to put on or words he had to be careful with saying (for the most part). It was a comfortable space for him to be in and he found himself longing for more, wanting to spend more time with Louis. The thought of it being the innocence and purity Louis radiated sent a wave of something Harry couldn't explain through his entire body. He smiled, shaking his head and grabbed a small towel to wipe his face dry.

As he made his way down to the kitchen, the smell of his mum cooking eggs filled his lungs and gave him comfort. He personally didn't like eggs all that much, but the smell of his mum's cooking always warmed him. Harry gently squeezed both of her arms, planting a kiss on the top of her head. "Good morning mum," he said walking towards the fridge, grabbing the pitcher of water. He poured himself a glass of water and took a sip from it. His mum returned the greeting, smiling back at him. "Hey, um, can we talk for a minute?"

"Sure honey, just let me finish up these eggs," Millie said taking the food off the stove and putting them onto a plate with a piece of toast and shredded hash. Harry tugged and twisted the corner of the placemat, patiently waiting for his mum to finish preparing her meal.

Once she sat next to Harry, she offered the food to him with a simple push of her hands but he shook his head. "I'm going to have brunch with Monet in a bit." Millie nodded her head and grabbed her fork, beginning to push the food around. "Where's dad and Gemma?"

"They went out to the town to get a few things for next weekend." She took a sip from Harry's glass, earning a soft glare from her son. "Speaking of, you should bring Monet."

"Um, no thank you. We've only just started dating. I'm sure meeting the family at a weird get together isn't going make her want to stay." Harry chuckled clasping his hands together, leaning against the table on his elbows.

"It's not weird Harry, your uncle is just creative." Millie could barely hold back her laughter because, yeah, it was weird. Her brother was known as crazy Uncle Tom. She loved him to bits, how couldn't you? But she had to admit, he did have a few loose screws.

"Having to dress up as one of the first sixteen presidents of America is oddly specific and just overall weird. Not to mention the only reason why he chose sixteen was because he wanted to dress as Abraham Lincoln. We don't even live in America!"

"You know no one ever takes his outlandish themes seriously, what's there to worry about?"

"Because Uncle Tom takes his themes seriously and he's going to be dressed as Abraham Lincoln!" Harry exclaimed in laughter, throwing his hands up in the air. He wasn't embarrassed by his family, not even by crazy Uncle Tom. He loved them all dearly, but he just wasn't sure if introducing him to Monet this early in the relationship is going to be beneficial.

Everyone found it strange just how fascinated Tom was with the American presidents. Sure people can be interested in whatever they please, but Uncle Tom abruptly stopped learning about the presidents when he reached Lincoln because, in his words, _'there can't possibly be any better president than him. He abolished slavery for God's sake_ _!_ _One of the best things to happen to that country and the world.'_

Millie waved him off, laughing along with her son. "What'd you want to talk to me about?"

Harry recollected his thoughts, calming down from their previous conversation, taking a deep breath as he traced his finger around the rim of the glass, not knowing how to word his thoughts. "How do you think someone knows they're gay?" He looked up to his mum nervously through his lashes. The shakiness of his voice was unintended but very fitting to how he felt.

"Do you think you're gay?" she asked unperturbed as she scooped food into her mouth, raising a brow.

"No, that's not- no." His eyebrows were scrunched, focusing on the question way deeper than he should. His fingers pinched the edge of the glass and slid up so his pointer finger could rest on the rim again. "Well, I don't think I am at least. Never had the experience so who knows? You know what they say, don't knock it till you try it. But um, no its just, it's been on my mind a lot lately."

"Is it because of Monet? Is she giving you second thoughts?" Millie laughed.

Harry tried not to smile, holding his laughter behind his teeth. "Mum, no. I'm just curious. I haven't met many gay people in my life, and I was just wondering." It was no secret that Louis was gay, everyone practically knew. Obviously it's never bothered Harry, but the more time he spent with the small boy the more he wondered about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Back in his hometown there weren't many people who were openly gay, so it came to no shock that Harry would wonder about it. But it wasn't the typical pestering questions like  _how do you have sex_  or  _when did you find out._ And he wasn't curious because he was disgusted, he truly wanted to have a better understanding of it all just in case there came a time and place him and Louis talked about it— or anyone for that matter. He wanted to know the right and wrongs with wording, vocabulary, etc.

She sighed deeply. "Well I don't think my opinions hold much credibility, but I think they kind of always know that they're gay. I don't think it's something they just decide. Sometimes I feel like it could be hard for people to realize what they're feeling and why they're feeling it. Because maybe all they've been taught is men like women and women like men and everyone around them fancies the opposite sex. Or that because gay is a sin and wrong. But nothing could be better and more freeing than when they realize they're not like their friends and finally accept who they are for what they are."

Harry nodded, staying quiet for a couple seconds as his mind drifted to Louis. He wondered what Louis went through to finally come to realize he was different, but in the best way possible. He wondered if there were hardships or if everyone, close to him at least, accepted him. He wondered if Louis loved himself for being who he was or if he disliked himself because he wasn't like his peers. "Do you think some people are afraid of coming out because of the fear of people bullying them?"

"I'm legally not allowed to go into depth about it, but I've had a few patients in the past where they've come to me conflicted about their sexuality and what to do with it. Some cried because they couldn't accept themselves and some cried because they feared no one would accept them." Harry's thoughts went to Louis again, draining out his mum's words. There was no secret that Louis was reserved and shy and possibly insecure and Harry wondered if Louis had a hard time accepting who he was or dreaded coming out. When he finally tuned back in Millie was saying, "It's quite upsetting that we live in a world where people need to come out to be gay. People don't come out as straight, so why do people have to come out as gay? Why do we as humans assume people are straight until they come out as gay? Why do people even _need_  to come out? It's none of our business so why does it matter? If you want to and you're proud, by all means, no one's stopping you. But there shouldn't be an obligation to  _come out._ "

"No, yeah, I get it. That makes sense, sorry, that's not what I meant."

"There's no need to apologize sweetheart, it's just the ignorance that we live in today influencing your mind. What we need to do as a community is create comfortable space of love and acceptance for not just people who are gay but for everyone who may feel discriminated against— which is pretty much everyone. The faster love is spread, the sooner people can live contently and not live in fear of judgement. People pledge for world peace but still have hate in their hearts."

Come to think of it, Harry's only ever heard about Louis' sexuality from everyone besides Louis himself. A churn in his stomach confirmed his disgust for his fellow classmates. It was upsetting that people were okay with outting him like that all the time when he himself wasn't comfortable with saying those words— he guesses. Either that or he didn't think it mattered but the former made more sense because of the way Louis presented himself; so timid and insecure. "How do you approach that conversation with someone? Like what would be the right way to word things?"

Millie was just about done with her food, only having a few bits of hash left. "I'd wait for them to come to you. It could be a touchy subject for them and bringing it up would only make them feel cornered and obligated to talk about something they may not want to talk about. Waiting for them to come to you with it ensures comfortability and trust."

"What if they never come to me about it?"

"Well that could be one of many things. But there is no obligation to come to you about it."

"Of course."

"They might not think it's important to tell, that it's just the way they are and you'll have to roll with it or they might think they have to tell you because they're afraid they're keeping secrets. Or they may never tell you because they're afraid."

Harry stayed quiet again nodding his head. He's never thought about confronting Louis about his sexuality because at the end of the day it's none of his business. No one's ever asked him or questioned his, so why would he do that to other people? But he couldn't help but wonder if Louis' ever wanted to tell him. Like that night he had a pretty severe panic attack and he told Harry he was depressed. That may not be to the same extremes as someone's sexuality, but it is something very personal. And whether or not Louis wanted to tell him, he did. There must've been at least a little trust for Louis to dump out all of his thoughts.

His phone vibrated in his pocket, breaking him out of his constant thoughts about the tiny boy with gunmetal blue eyes and defined cheekbones. "Um, Monet is here, don't want to keep her waiting." He stood up tucking his chair beneath the table. It was a bit awkward how the conversation ended and it surely was a lot to take in and think about. But he dumped the remaining water down the sink, setting the glass inside it saying, "Thanks for the talk mum." He hugged and kissed her again before walking towards the door. "Bye, love you."

"Hey, Harry?" Millie said walking towards the door. Harry turned around to look at her. "You know, if you ever think you like boys or figure out that you like boys, we'll still love and accept you for who you are, you know that right? We'll always be here to help you along."

Harry nodded, his heart filled with warmth. "Thanks mum." He smiled, grateful that his mum had an open mind. Granted, it was part of her job to be open minded, but it was still refreshing to have such a loving mother. Not all parents are accepting of their child's sexuality, so he was incredibly thankful his mum was accepting of it. Harry closed the door behind him and walked towards the car sitting at the curb of his driveway. In the distance he saw Louis leaving his house with a bin bag in his hand. "He's always taking out the rubbish," Harry smiled to himself, watching as the small boy walked across his driveway to the other side of his house. Along the way, the two boys made eye contact and Louis smiled softly. Harry smiled back, dimples popping as he waved to him, receiving one in return. "Hi," he yelled across the street. Louis didn't respond. He only laughed and waved at him again, the smile on his face growing. There was a weird sensation in his stomach like nausea? It kind of felt like he was going to throw up but at the same time it was very comforting in a very odd way. He opened the passenger door and slipped inside. "Hey Mo," Harry greeted, leaning over the center console to give her a kiss.

"Hey H," she smiled, "I didn't know Louis lived across the street from you." It made sense how and why Harry saw him not feeling the best now— it's been juggling in her mind where Louis could've possibly been for Harry to see him. Her head turned to Louis' house to see him stepping inside, closing the glass door behind him.

Harry chuckled lightly, his eyes following her movements to watch Louis go back into his house. "Well technically I live across the street from him since he was here first, but yeah, he's my neighbor." He looked back at Monet who was already studying him.

"That was a cute moment you two had there just a minute ago. Don't know if I should be jealous or not." Harry rolled his eyes at her remark. He swears at times it seemed like Monet would rather have him date Louis than her.

"I'd be, he's very cunning and quite the charming fellow. A wonderful soul. I'm surprised he hasn't stolen me from you yet."

"Well, he'd have to like you in order to steal you away from me. Are you his friend yet?" She giggled, teasing him.

"Hey, that's a very sensitive topic, there's no need for you to laugh. I'm not used to rejection." Harry pouted with a huff and the cross of his arms on his chest. "Especially not from a boy."

"Maybe he doesn't want to be your friend."

"But why not? I'm amazing, I'm charming, I'm funny, I'm _fun_. I just don't get it." With every point he stuck a finger out to keep count of just how flattered he was with himself. Harry was very dramatic, especially when it came to Louis. Not only did Louis blatantly not want to be his friend but he still couldn't wrap his mind around why he wanted this friendship so bad. He's just a boy. A boy who he met a few weeks ago who no one seemed to like— which Harry found absolutely ludacris because Louis' probably one of the most amazing people he's ever met. A boy who does nothing to build a friendship and yet Harry continued to pursue one. It just didn't make sense, not to Louis and not to Harry. What was it about that blue eyed, brown haired, fragile boy that Harry adored so much?

"Well, that's just your opinion, if I'm being honest. You're cool I guess, but are you all of those things? I'd say not."

"You're the worst." Harry smiled, rolling his eyes again as he glanced out his window to his house.

"So why exactly aren't you two friends yet? I mean I'd be as annoyed as Louis probably is by your constant presence, but he's a sweet kid and I don't understand why the friendship hasn't panned out."

"I don't know, he's quite stubborn, actually. Sweet, yeah, but so fucking stubborn. But I feel like I'm growing on him or he's getting comfortable with me because he wasn't as awkward as he usually is when we hung out yesterday."

"You guys hung out yesterday?" Monet inquired, shocked. It wasn't like Louis to hang out with people, it was a known thing amongst anyone who knew him. He never socialized or was seen socializing with anyone at school, not that anyone tried to hang out with him anyway.

"Yeah, well, sort of. It was me kind of forcing myself into his home." Monet laughed, shaking her head because Harry really had no limits. "And it wasn't really a hangout, we mainly did homework with a movie playing in the background. We surprisingly talked quite a bit too and he's got a lovely singing voice." Harry was about to mention Greased Lightning, but he wanted that precious moment kept safe to himself. "He's very smart, helped me with maths and all that. Even though he might've made fun of me for my wrong answers, he's still super nice." He sighed as he turned his head to look out the window again, watching a young lady walk her dog along the sidewalk. "He's really nice, you know. I wish more people gave him a chance."

Monet noticed how Harry's eyes would brighten and how his face would glow whenever he talked about Louis. It's something she's never seen before, not even in her parents who've been married for about twenty years now. It was a magical sight to see and she smiled in awe. "Maybe there's a reason why you're the first." She grabbed his hand, regaining his lost attention.

"Yeah, because he's stubborn and very picky when choosing his friends." Harry released her hand and crossed his arms across his chest, forcing his back against the seat, huffing.

"Oh stop pouting, he's too good for you anyway. Wouldn't want you to steal away his innocence." She put the car in drive, slowly peeling away from the curb and finally driving to the restaurant.

"Hasn't everyone else done that already?" The words weren't meant to sound snippy, but wasn't it the truth? Harry hasn't lived here long and he can see more than his schoolmates. They're the reason Louis was so bashful and apprehensive to do anything, reluctant to even make eye contact with anyone because he was afraid of the possible consequences. As revelating as it was to see Louis be so precious last night, it was saddening to know that such a perfect boy was being treated the he was not only by his peers but by himself. Maybe they haven't stolen his innocence entirely— because there definitely had to be some left for the way Louis looked through his thick lashes or when he'd be so sweet and apologize for absolutely nothing— but they've without a doubt ripped away his dignity.

 

** 10:02 am **

The couple finally made it to their destination: a quaint restaurant within the suburbs of northeast London. Ever since the remark Harry made just as they were pulling off the curb, the atmosphere was a tad tense but eventually the awkwardness subsided and conversation began again. Along the way they chatted some, sang some, and just let the fall breeze blow through their hair and the warmth of the sun make their skins glow. This is only something that happens in the movies: Harry having a wonderful time last night with a boy who never cared for his own existence and waking up happier than he could've ever imagined and on a gorgeous day on top of that. He felt on top of the world.

They were sat at a small, wooden circular table off to the side of the restaurant. The place wasn't big in any way, shape, or form. It was definitely a ma-and-pop's shop. By the looks of the minuscule decor and the lack of lavish furniture— but semi-busy restaurant— they weren't wealthy but did well enough to make a decent amount of living. Not that extravagant items is what constitutes to a successful restaurant because everything about this place, especially the torn brick walls on the outside and faded sign, Harry found winsome.

The items on the menu were limited and kept to their traditional English foods. The menu itself was slightly worn and could use a reprint along with a new shipment of laminated covers, but again Harry thought it complimented the aesthetic. A young, fairly well groomed teenager came to get their orders, hugging and greeting Monet by name with the biggest smile plastered on his face. Harry found it a bit odd and maybe uncomfortable because he shifted in his seat, raising a brow as he intently watched the boy with seemingly amazing hair. Once the orders were received, he grabbed the menus, leaving the pair to chat. "So, how do you know this place?" Harry asked instead of pestering her with questions about the waiter _,_ because they weren't the jealous type, right? "It's not really a place I picture you visiting."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Monet asked, raising a brow when the waiter came back with their drinks.

"Just- I can't imagine you randomly coming to the suburbs of northeast London to eat at a random restaurant near an alleyway."

"Yeah, I guess so. But they've got the BEST toad in the hole in all of London. Truly feels like authentic Yorkshire." Monet and Louis alike were from Yorkshire. Both families coincidentally moved to the city before they knew of each other's existence. "Also, the owners happen to be my aunt and uncle so if you don't like anything I'll be sure to pass on your regards."

Harry's eyes widened at the last bit of her statement. "Your family owns this place?" It'd have been immensely embarrassing if he trashed the place to his girlfriend. Monet nodded, stirring her ice water around with her straw, sipping. "That's so cool. Your family works it too? Or do they hire outsiders?"

"Noah the waiter? That's my cousin. Along with her." She pointed to a young, but older than Noah, lady taking a couple's order across the room. Her hair was slicked back into a long, brown ponytail and she wore casual clothing— Harry taking that they might've not a set uniform for waiters. "She's called Elizabeth. There are a few more working today as well, but some of them are off.

"Oh god."

"What?"

"That's why he hugged you and greeted you by name. Not to mention the face splitting grin." A wave of relief flushed through Harry's body. He wasn't necessarily jealous, but the bad thing of not growing up where your partner lived was not knowing anyone. He could be walking her ex everyday and not know.

"Yeah, we're fairly close." She squinted at Harry, a smirk growing on her lips as she peeled her mouth off the straw. "Were you, I don't know, jealous?" She circled her hands in front of her face as if she was trying to find her words.

Harry rolled his eyes at his girlfriend's childishness when her eyebrows danced playfully. "No, it was just confusing and random. Wasn't really sure what to do if I'm honest."

"Yeah, yeah. Well, my Uncle Oliver works the stove and my Aunt Sophia helps out with the cooking; a sous chef."

"That's really cool actually. I wish my family did something interesting."

"Isn't your mum like a psychiatrist? That's cool."

"Well yeah, but she focuses more on the therapy part of her job. She really likes helping people identify and work out their problems. And since she is a psychiatrist she could diagnose and prescribe illnesses and medication. People like that apparently, like a two for one. She's got a jam packed schedule because people don't like having to visit two doctors when they could just go to one."

"Well, I think that's pretty awesome. She's got a wonderful soul, truly wholesome lady."

"Yeah, she is pretty great."

"And your dad?"

"What about him?" Harry had nothing against his father, but talking about what he did was kind of hectic. Because in reality, he didn't really know what his dad did. He never liked talking about it, only that  _work is stressful_ or  _I've got another business trip._

"What's he do?"

"Something with business, I'm not sure what exactly but he does business. He doesn't really like talking about it so I guess I don't either." Harry shrugged, absentmindedly stirring the ice around his cup.

Monet could sense that this was probably a sensitive topic for Harry so she quickly changed it to something much more positive: animals. Until their food came, they conversed about the animals they thought were the cutest and some interesting facts about said animals. But once their food came and a weird look from Monet's cousin, the conversation switched to something much less 'childish'— quoted by Noah. The conversation had no direction and went all over the place but it was a nice time and it was very enjoyable.

 

** 11:47 am **

The food was spectacular. Harry kept gushing how he felt like he was in a small town eatery in the heart of Yorkshire and Monet just nodded along because, yeah, she knew. That was sort of the point of the restaurant. Throughout the time the couple was there, Monet's cousins would periodically join in on their breaks and add their inputs into the current topic. Harry never minded, he actually quite enjoyed it. They were all lovely kids and very humorous at that. He felt like he was hanging out with his closest friends.  _F_ _riends_. Well friends and Monet? Before they were about to leave, her aunt and uncle poked out of the kitchen covered in smears of sauces and aprons stained with foods. They introduced themselves to Harry, working up a quick conversation before receiving another order.

After that experience there was no way in hell Harry was going to even mention the family party his mum wanted him to invite Monet to. Her family seemed so normal and loving and chill. What would she think when she walks into his Uncle Tom's and he's wearing a fake beard, tall hat, and a fancy suit— the only one to be dressing so strangely. What would she think when he tried his best at an 'Honest Abe' accent (this wasn't the first time he's dressed as Abraham Lincoln) or when he inevitably trips over his mini stilts to make him taller? Uncle Tom truly belonged in a looney bin but they loved him dearly and accepted his... quirks.

Monet was pulling up to Harry's curbside. The low hum of her music filled the car to keep the silence to a bare minimum. They hardly talked and just soaked up the beautiful weather on this Saturday morning, appreciating the warmth of the sun and the cooling breeze nipping at their skin and the various scents, some unpleasant, filling their senses. "I hope my family wasn't too much. They tend to cling onto anyone they first meet and are unapologetically talkative," Monet ranted, her face flushing red because her family talked way too much.

Harry laughed, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening the door. "No worries. They're actually really nice. Way better than mine."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, I didn't mean it negatively, they're just off the rails most of the time. It's always a circus when we get together."

"That sounds fun, wouldn't have to buy tickets to see a show."

"Sure, it's fun until it's half past one in the morning and the chaos hasn't stopped since six that evening."

"Oh god." She face palmed, shaking her head. "That sounds horrifying."

"It is." He laughed, shaking his head alongside her. "Well I had fun and it's always a pleasure with you m'lady." He stepped out the car to curtsy her, leaning in to kiss her lips.

"Why thank you kindest sir." Monet curtsied from her seat— which ended in her just bowing her head in an awkward way— laughing at their strange relationship.

"I'll see you Monday. Call me later." Harry closed the door as leaned against the car with his arm where the window would be. He winked, bringing his hand to to his ear pretending it was a phone.

"Shut the fuck up H. Get off my car," Monet laughed swatting his hand away.

"Seriously, call me later." He was going to leave it there but where's the fun in that? So as he walked away, he winked, sticking out his tongue that was clamped between his teeth. Monet only rolled her eyes and pulled away after waving her goodbyes. The plan was for Harry to go inside his home, but the sound of a car door opening behind him caught his attention. No, he didn't think it was going to be Louis  _but_  he wasn't complaining when he saw the small boy slump his shoulders with a sigh and walk back to the house in a hurried way. As it always seemed to happen, a smile appeared on Harry's face. His feet carried him across the street to the small boy he found oddly irresistible. "Why the sad eyes?" Harry asked when Louis locked the front door.

Taken off guard, Louis jumped back with a scrunched face, tensing his muscles. But when he realized it was Harry he relaxed with a heavy sigh. "What do you want Harry?"

"Oh, um, I just wanted to say hi." Sadness lined his voice, partly because Louis didn't want to talk to him but mainly because Louis seemed so sad. "I didn't mean to bother you. Hope you have a good day." The excitement he felt when approaching Louis was completely washed away as he walked back to his house. He thought things would've been different, thought things would've changed from yesterday. Last night felt like a pivotal moment in their friendship but maybe Harry was too hopeful.

"Harry." Louis' voice was soft and nervous but overall sad. The things Harry would do to coax the permanent frown away from Louis' face and replace it with the blinding smile he knows he's capable of. He didn't deserve the sadness that haunted him and if Harry had any idea of how to rid Louis of his demons, he would in a heartbeat. He turned around after a few steps with raised brows. Louis looked down for a few seconds before looking back up and smiling. It was something he didn't think about doing, it just happened and he hated it. He didn't want to smile, he shouldn't be smiling. But he smiled because it was Harry.  _Harry._ "I didn't mean to come off harsh, I'm just- it's not a good time right now and I really have to go."

"You're fine Lou, I just hope you're doing okay and whatever you're having to rush for, I hope it gets better." Harry smiled back, getting ready to walk back to his house.

"Thank you. I hope your day is going well." Harry nodded, pressing his lips into a firm smile and turned to walk away. He had no right to be upset, especially when Louis was in need of comfort but he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but feel like nothing changed between the two of them since last night. Yeah Louis might've sang and danced and joked and even cuddled for the shortest amount of time, but that just could've just been a spur of the moment. All caught up in the moment, living out a natural high and forgetting him and Harry weren't friends. "Harry?" Why was he talking so much? He literally had nothing to say but he could see the sparkle beginning to dim in Harry's eyes and that was completely unacceptable. Louis was sure Harry was born to have a sparkle in his eyes. When Harry turned around again he said, "Thank you for yesterday as well. It was a nice time and I guess I'm glad you barged in uninvited."

And there was the smile that belonged on Harry's face. "Then I guess I'll have to barge in another time. Or you can barge into mine, I wouldn't mind."

"We'll see have to see. Maybe you'll help me with my homework next time."

Butterflies. An explosion of butterflies swarmed in his stomach because Louis said next time. There was going to be a next time. "Don't think it'll be much help but I could definitely try." Louis wanted a next time, he confirmed there would be a next time.

"Don't push yourself too hard Mr. Error." Harry dropped his head into his hands, smiling into them as he shook his head.

"It was a simple mistake! It happens to everyone."

"Well, not everyone, just you." Louis laughed and  _god_  did Harry feel so much better. Maybe he did know how to get rid of Louis' frown.

"And here I was, the fool who vouched for your kindness."

"I am nice, but I'm not a liar."

"Oh sod off." Wasn't it strange how two boys who barely knew each, who were barely friends, connected to each other so well? Was it not strange how no one, not even his parents, could get Louis to smile but Harry made the impossible look easy? "Well, you better get going, yeah? Hopefully whatever was putting you down gets better because you've got a wonderful smile and it'd be a shame to hide it away."

"I'll see you Monday." They both smiled and parted ways. Even though Louis was headed to the hospital after receiving bad news, the quick interaction he had with Harry made him feel at least a little bit better.  
  



	16. like his feelings aren't his but that of a small, fragile boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: there's french in this chapter and i'm hispanic so this french is totally from google translate so don't roast me bc i'm fragile and i tried my best. another thing, i wrote a lot of this chapter with a concussion so if parts don't make much sense you know why.

mood: sun is shining- bob marley  
  


 

 

** Monday, September 25th 5:30 am **

Harry woke up to the blaring sound of his alarm clock. He groaned, shifting his body, turning his head to his right and slowly bringing his hand to where his phone laid on his pillow. With furrowed brows, he slowly blinked his eyes open to adjust to the light, squeezing them shut and fluttering them open a few times more, and looked at the time displayed across his screen. It was half past five, an absolutely vile time to be woken up. Hitting the stop button at the bottom of his screen, he went back to sleep. 

 

** 5:45 am **

An alarm went off again causing Harry to groan, pressing the stop button. Monday mornings were the worst. He turned his body the other direction and drifted off to sleep.

 

** 6:00 **

His alarm goes off one last time before he finally eased his way up, sitting with slumped shoulders with his chin resting on his chest, hair hanging over his face. He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed them with the palm of his hands. He turned off his alarm, sitting on his bed, slumped over and staring into space for a few seconds, thinking about absolutely nothing. For once in his life his mind wasn't running a thousand meters a minute and he hated it. Thinking all day everyday does get exhausting, but he didn't mind it. It was something for him to do. When no thoughts came to his head he felt almost empty. It wasn't who he was and without his crazy, jumbled thoughts he gets bored easily. Harry was the kind of person who was very restless and if he wasn't busy doing something interesting he'd be bored. He was one of those people who had to be occupied twenty four seven or he'd go insane.

Rolling out of bed, Harry grabbed his towel and made his way to the bathroom. When stepping in, he  turned the shower on, letting the water run for a while before getting into the bath because the water was always too cold in the morning. In the meantime, Harry brushed and flossed his teeth— because that's definitely something you do not do in the shower— and shaved the subtle stubble that spiked out along his upper lip and jawline.

Once the bathroom was engulfed in steam and when he was finished with his wee, he stepped into the bath, the water burning, tingling against his cold skin creating pink spots all over his back. It stung, but it soothed the tension in his muscles. He showered quickly, washing his hair with only conditioner (he has a weekly regime) and ran soap briefly over his body. Once everything was cleaned and rinsed, he turned the shower off and headed back to his room. His wardrobe consisted of the same clothes, black and white t-shirts, some patterned tees, and a few dress shirts. There, of course, were his more eccentric pieces he didn't have the confidence to wear, though he'd love to one day.

It's quite shocking how many people took the time to want to befriend Harry but don't actually know much about him. Despite him being new to the school, he was widely known and had many friends. Loads of people took interest in him, and why wouldn't they? The girls threw themselves at him and guys both loathed and loved him. But the amount of people that took the time to get to know the quirks of Harry Styles, he could count on one hand: Monet, Niall, and Louis. Well, Louis was a different story. He never really went out of his way to get to know Harry nor did he really seem to care about him, but Harry felt the need to spill his deepest darkest secrets to Louis and he was forced to listen to it all. But still, Louis counts.

Because of this, Harry was always hesitant on wearing his 'out there' pieces. It wasn't because he was afraid of judgement because there's no way you can escape that, but he didn't want all eyes to be on him. He had confidence but not enough to flaunt around completely carelessly. When he walks down the corridors— really anywhere he goes— he turns heads, however judgmental eyes have a different affect than those of lust.

He dressed rather quickly in all black down to the socks and shoes. As with his wardrobe, his dresser included tight tight tight black skinnies, a few slacks, and other patterned trousers he hardly ever wore. His more 'avant-garde' pieces were reserved for family holidays and parties. His shoe collection consisted of only a few pairs of the same black vans with slight variations in style and a couple pairs of boots he rarely wore— brown, sparkly,  _heeled_. He had simple taste.

He headed downstairs and packed a lunch (that's highly nutritional of course) and put a bowl of cereal together. Sitting at the dining table for a quick meal never made sense to him so he ate at the kitchen counter shoving spoonful after spoonful of cereal into his mouth, scrolling through his phone to pass time. He swiped and tapped for minutes, liking and commenting on people's post, responding to his comments and messages. Because he's such a 𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔡, he did have a larger following and loads of messages from girls who wanted his attention no matter how many pictures he posts with his girlfriend. In the midst of responding to messages, he clicked on his messages with Louis and scrolled through the hundreds of posts he sent him, none receiving a reply. He sighed and clicked on Louis profile to see that he still hasn't accepted his request. "I swear, he's something."

Harry put his dishes in the sink, turning the water on to fill up the bowl so the leftover cereal wouldn't glue itself to the bowl. Nothing was worse than the crusty leftover flakes stuck to the bowl, impossible to remove and then you have those tiny dots all over. Just no. As he made his way out, he grabbed his backpack from the couch, stuffing his lunch in the big zipper and grabbed a light zip up to put on. When he was able to see down the street, he looked to see if Louis was already starting his journey to school without him like he always does, but there was no sign of him. Instead of walking alone or going for a ride in his car, Harry sat at Louis' curb, waiting for the small boy to come out. He's done much more embarrassing things, but it'll be awkward if he waited all this time and Louis went to school early or was sick. Especially if Louis' parents saw him sitting by their postbox.

To pass time, Harry scrolled through his phone and every time he saw something funny or cute like kittens or babies, he would send it to Louis despite his lack of response and acknowledgement of his request. "Needing spare change?" Harry jumped, startled at the sudden noise but instantly recognized the voice and smiled.

Looking up, he turned around to see Louis peering down at him with a small smile on his face. Now this was surely a hell of a way to start the day. Harry stood up and said, "Yes please. You can pay me to be your friend." He stuck his hands out toward Louis causing him to giggle.

"I'm not that desperate," Louis laughed.

"Oh wait, it's the other way around. How much do you charge? Five pounds? Twenty?"

"I'm also not a prostitute." Harry quickly apologized for his bad choice of wording and was waved off with a short laugh. "Why're sitting at my curb?"

"Was waiting for you." Harry shrugged, dusting off his jeans. Louis blushed from Harry's admittance. "C'mon, before we're late." They walked towards the school next to one another in silence. "What took so long anyway? I was waiting out here for forever." Harry broke the silence as he looked over to Louis with furrowed brows. Louis was always early to everything from what Harry's seen: school, class, even when taking the bin out to the front he was a day early.

"No one told you to wait for me," Louis giggled, not meeting his gaze. But the light and easy mood somewhat dropped when Harry noticed Louis waddling.

"You're walking funny." Louis stopped in his tracks, looking up to Harry. There was a slight panic coursing through him. Harry's never noticed before so of course Louis thought this time around would be no different.

Nonetheless, he tried to stay calm as best as he could. "What?" He didn't want to say any more than he should, afraid his voice was going to be shaky and further Harry's suspicions. The last thing he wanted was for Harry to find out the darker parts of him because he's slowly allowing Harry into his life and if he were to find this out he'd surely think he was a freak. That night he was spewing everything out was different. Admitting depression has a different feeling in the heart than admitting to self mutilation.

"You're waddling. Are you okay? Did you get hurt?" His friend was waddling, which could be normal for any of his other friends because of sports and working out and stuff. But he was sure Louis didn't do any of that. He didn't seem like he'd be interested in anything physical or that involved people. Louis just stared at Harry not saying anything. What was there to say?  _Yeah, I'm emotionally numb and the only thing that takes the pain away is a silver piece of metal? And even then I don't feel a thing._ That would for sure make him want to stay. He looked down after a long while, getting a little awkward. "Lou, are you okay?" Harry asked slower and firmer lifting Louis' head by his chin.

"Yeah, I'm uh, just a bit sore." Harry had a look of disbelief, not buying what Louis was telling him. "I think I just overstretched," he said softer, looking away from Harry and continuing to walk.

"Overstretched? From what?" Harry questioned, walking beside him. Maybe he did underestimate Louis' athletic capabilities.

Louis internally panicked, trying not to let it show. He had to come up with something believable and quick. He couldn't say he went to the gym because does he really look like he works out? And he couldn't tell him that he played any sport because he just  _knew_  Harry would want to practice with him. "Yoga," he blurted, scrunching his eyebrows and mentally facepalming. Something, anything would've been better than admitting he did yoga.

"Yoga," Harry said half believing him. He could picture Louis doing yoga, his small little body being flexible and doing intricate poses. Louis shamefully nodded his head, too ashamed to make eye contact. "You do... yoga?" Louis nodded his head again. "Cool, we should do yoga together sometime."

Louis snapped his head up to look at Harry. "What?" He was both shocked and confused. Harry called yoga cool. That wasn't really something someone would find cool, especially someone of such a high caliber as Harry.

"You, me, yoga date. Put it on your schedule." Harry laughed looking down to meet Louis' bemused blue eyes. "What?"

"Just didn't think you'd find yoga cool out of all things."

"Well, Mr. Tomlinson I'd have you know that I think anything you do is cool. Walking? Cool. Blinking? Awesome. Breathing? Sick."

"What are you going on about?" Louis laughed. There was just no way of being able to understand the ins and outs of Harry. He was just so unpredictable and open minded and quirky that literally anything was possible with him.

"I'm just saying that you shouldn't be ashamed of the things you do. Yeah people might not do certain things you do but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it."

"I can't help it. I've grown accustomed to it by now, not being proud of myself in any way." Word vomit. He wasn't under the influence of anything and, like always, he couldn't seem to hold anything back when it came to Harry.

"Why not be proud? You're fu-uh-udging awesome and if I were you I'd be so proud because in all my life I've never met someone like you. And I'm not saying that to flatter you, well, actually, maybe I am because I want to be your friend. But seriously, you're so unique and peculiar that it pulls me in."

"Surely peculiar can't be a good thing."

"Sure it can. It's just another one of those quirks that you have. I'm positive you think I'm peculiar in some type of way." Well now that he mentions it, he did find Harry peculiar. He always thought Harry was strange, odd even, because everything he did never made sense from the way he talked to how he acted. He had this sweet but jock-y look to him but everything that came out of his mouth was either absolute nonsense or was semi-wise or something that tried to be wise. It was like two opposites living inside one body. It was strange.

"Possibly, but your peculiar is different than mine."

"How so?"

"Well you're very charming and charismatic. People like you and accept you for who you are. But with me, peculiar is bad. People make fun of me because I'm different. I'm not charming or charismatic and people would rather be dead than to be caught associating with me." Never has Louis ever talked about his everyday problems without feeling the slightest bit upset and the fact that he wasn't was  _strange._ He felt as though this was just another regular, everyday conversation.

Harry wanted so badly to comment on how Louis viewed him but there was a time and place for everything and right now this wasn't about him, it was about Louis. "Well, I like you if that counts for anything. I happen to find you both very charming and charismatic, cheeky even. And I think I've made it clear that I want to be your friend by now."

"Maybe, but for all I know it could be a set up." Louis shrugged, keeping his attention away from Harry.

"And why would I do that?" His tone came out bewildered and offended. He was accused of toying with a fragile boy's emotions and if that wasn't the most offensive thing he's ever heard.

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Well I'd like to know how you came to that conclusion."

Louis shrugged again, looking down to his feet. He could sense the anger cascading inside of Harry but he was doing a good job of trying not to show it. It left him feeling a bit guilty but what else was he supposed to think? That someone like Harry genuinely wanted to give him the attention he was giving? "Makes sense, doesn't it?"

"No, I don't think it does."

"Of course you'd say that."

"Care to elaborate?"

"I mean look at us Harry." Louis stopped again, facing Harry and looking him in his eyes. "I'm me and you're you."

"Well I think that's obvious."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm not sure I do." His arms crossed over his chest and his weight was shifted to one side.

"It's like you haven't listened to what I've been saying these past five minutes."

"No, I have. I just don't agree with it."

"Well why's that?"

"That's a great question Louis Tomlinson. Come, take a walk with me." He gestured his hand, along with a jolt of his head, for Louis to join him on his walk. When the small boy caught up with him, he stuffed his hands into his sweater pockets and sighed. "Louis," he said looking down.

"Harry," Louis responded meeting his gaze with the faintest smile on his lips. It's strange, isn't it? Sad little Louis smiling when talking down about himself? That's what his life has come to be: strange. And all because of an idiotic curly-haired boy who moved across the street from him.

"May I?" He stuck his hand out for Louis to take. Eventually, and hesitantly, he did after a long stare of bewilderment. Harry brought their clasped hands up to his lips and placed a warm kiss on the back of Louis' hand. "Monsieur Louis, tes yeux sont les plus captivants que j'ai vus. Ton âme est pure te j'admire la force que tu possèdes. J'espère que vous ne tombez pas dans les profoundeurs de l'abîme ceux qui ont creusé autour de vous. Vous êstes un rayon de soleil émoussé mais vous récupérerez votre lumière. Je promets."

What Harry didn't know was that Louis was part French. What he didn't know was that Louis understood every word he said. The only other time Louis' heard Harry speak French was when he fell asleep on his lawn and accidentally cursed.  _Excusez mon français._ It was good French speaking back then and it was even better now. He didn't expect Harry to speak French so well because his English was questionable. And of course he didn't know Louis had French relatives so when Louis blushed bright red and responded with "vous promettez?" Harry was stunned and his face flushed.

"Oh, parlez vous français?" His cheeks were a bright red but he still had a sheepish smile playing on his lips. Nothing he said was worth being embarrassed over— he wasn't embarrassed. He meant every word he said, but he was hoping Louis wouldn't understand him so he could give him an incorrect translation. And then Louis would somehow figure out what Harry said and feel warm and bubbly inside like in those sappy teenage movies. But no. Of course Louis just had to be so cultured.

"Mmm, peut-être un peu." Louis pinched his fingers together, crinkling his eyes, and smiling wide. Crazy how Harry could wipe the frown off his face and erase all the bad things flowing through Louis' mind without even trying.

"Comment venir?"

"Que voulez-vous dire?"

"Pourquoi connaissez-vous le français?"

"Mon père est français." For some reason speaking in French seemed easier and more lax than that of English. And it still felt weird that Harry knew French really well, not to mention the spot on accent.

"Oh, oui,  _Louis_."

"Oui  _Harry_."

"Et vous?"

"Pourquoi est-ce que je connais le français?"

"Oui."

"Cela a suscité mon intérêt il y a quelques années. Maintenant je suis content de l'avoir fait parce que nous pouvions nous parler sans que personne ne sache ce que nous disons." Louis laughed, covering his mouth with his hand and shaking his head.

"Qui a dit que j'allais vous parler à l'avenir? Et qui a dit que je parlerais français?"

"Bien il serait assez impoli de mi couper après avoir entendu mon horrible français et horrible accent juste parce que vous êtes natif."

"Pas indigène, c'est juste dans mon sang." He shrugged turning his attention forward and away from the taller boy. If this were anyone else, there would be no way in hell that Louis would be talking to them so freely, especially not in French. Speaking French was oddly enough one of his biggest insecurities. He was a good fluent speaker, but he was always afraid of the possibility of saying anything slightly wrong. So the fact that he freely spoke French with someone who wasn't his friend— and maybe it was because Harry wasn't French— set off a red flag in Louis' mind.

There was something off about Harry, like Ted Bundy off. Charming and attractive, but he had to be clinically insane. It was a constant battle that Louis had with himself about Harry. One that he shouldn't have because Harry's shown nothing but genuineness. So why is it that he can't accept him? Is it because he's intimidated by his towering height and immense popularity? Or maybe it was because they were complete opposites (from what Louis could see) and he was aquatinted with the people who make his life a living hell? Or could it possibly be the fact that Louis felt something for Harry? That he's not allowing Harry into his life because he's attracted to him and he's afraid Harry would be another Zayn? Someone who gained his trust only to destroy him.

"Voulez-vous dire tout ça? À propos de mes yeux et de mon âme? La lumière?" Louis spoke after moments of silence, his voice weak and trembling. He was never one to be confident enough to ask for compliments but maybe, just maybe, Harry could be genuine. And even if he wasn't, Louis was going to relish in this moment because if at the end this was all a game, he could remember the way those words escaped Harry's plump lips in his sweet, silky voice of honey.

"J'ai promis, n'est-ce pas?" Harry smiled so beautifully down at Louis with the purest, most honest expression on his face. "Je commence à penser que vous aimez que je vous complimente." Louis laughed, shaking his head as he smiled up at Harry. It was nice. He couldn't deny that spending time with Harry was nice whether or not he'd admit it out loud. A temporary way to forget all the bad things stampeding through his mind. "You're smiling." Harry smiled wider (if possible). "If you're smiling that must mean today's gonna be a good day for both you and me. And for everyone." Louis giggled, shaking his head, and looked away from the tall boy. The pair were almost at the school, time seeming to fly by whenever they were with each other. "Louis' smiling, tell the world, he's smiling," Harry yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"Harry, stop it." Louis laughed, reaching up to move Harry's hands from his mouth.

Harry playfully snatched his hands away from Louis, but he jumped a back a bit. Quick, jolting movements always made Louis jump. It didn't matter if you were in his family or someone really close to him, sudden movements will always make him uneasy. "Sorry love, didn't mean to scare you. But this is a big deal, Louis. A genuine smile? From you? Who saw that coming?" Once again, Louis shook his head and giggled, stopping at the corner of the street in front of the school, waiting for cars to pass.

"I smile." He paused. "Sometimes."

"I've seen you smile before, but this feels the most genuine." They made their way up the few steps to get into the building, but before they stepped inside Louis halted, earning a questioning look from Harry. "What's up?"

"I think this is where we separate ways." Louis was the only person that Harry saw have such extreme mood swings. He's never seen someone go from high to low in a matter of seconds.

"Oh on the contrary monsieur Louis, I think this is where we chat some more while I walk you to your locker." He took a few small steps to encourage Louis to walk with him but was only awarded with a raised brow and a biting of the cheek.

"I've got to do something before class starts."

"I could help with that."

"No!" Louis unintentionally snapped. He took a few steps backwards with an apologetic look. "Sorry I'm just- I have to go."

Harry was taken aback by the sudden change of mood. He was informed on Louis' mental (in)stability by Louis himself but he could sense that there was more to it than just depression. People who are depressed don't necessarily flinch from human touch or sudden noises no matter the volume. Depression doesn't mean you can't keep eye contact and apologize for everything you do. Being depressed does not mean you're weak and have poor social skills. And of course Louis said he was depressed in hysteria but Harry felt like that wasn't the problem. It was one of them but not  _the_  problem.

"Louis," Harry spoke before the small boy was able to scurry off too far.

He stopped in his tracks at the sound of his name being spoken in that sweet voice. It was quite soothing and Louis thought he could listen to Harry saying his name all day everyday for the rest of his life. "Yeah?" he questioned not turning around.

"Look at me?" It was hesitant and Louis caught onto that. Harry was aware and Louis felt conflicted. He didn't know whether or not he should be glad or guilty that Harry was hyper aware of his emotions. If it was a game would Harry really waste his time trying to convince Louis by putting his emotions into it? Slowly, he turned around and let his eyes wander the ground, school, and people, dancing around the fact that Harry was staring at him intently, knowing something was up. "Lou."

"Yeah?" His eyes settled on the rips on Harry's knees.

"Look at me." His eyes raked up Harry's body— totally not checking him out— and connected with his intense look. "Have a good day today, alright?" The corner of his mouth quirked up and his feet stepped closer. "Forget about everyone in this school and don't let their words affect you. Have a good day, allow yourself that. I'm going to be making occasional check ins to make sure you're smiling whether you're aware of it or not. Please? If you don't want to do this for yourself can you please do it for me?"

Louis scrunched his eyebrows, biting his cheek, and disconnected their eyes. "You won't be sad if I'm sad."

"Try me." Harry lifted Louis' head by his chin with a stern look.

"I guess I can try."

"Thank you. I'll see you after third." Louis pressed his lips into a flatline, nodding his head and steadily turned back around. Harry stood watching Louis sluggishly carry himself to the opposite side of building to a place Harry wasn't sure Louis would be going to. But he let him, trusting that he'd be safe. And when he turned the corner and disappeared behind the building, Harry carried on with his morning meeting up with his friends and girlfriend, chatting it up and messing around with Niall before class.

Ever since he moved to London, Harry never seemed to have control over his emotions, especially after meeting Louis. He's always been very empathetic but he doesn't feel that anymore. He feels completely uncontrolled, like his feelings aren't his but that of a small fragile boy who had a dark and complicated past that he doesn't understand. It's as if Louis owned that part of him and maybe Harry didn't mind too much because if that's what's going to help him then so be it. How bad could it be?

 


	17. he was lost, stuck in a daydream (a nightmare rather)

mood: bridge over troubled water- simon & garfunkel 

 

 

** Thursday, September 28th 7:08 am **

"I have a proposal," Harry spoke sneaking up behind Louis just as he passed his front yard.

"Mr. Styles, it's always a pleasure to hear your voice first thing in the morning," Louis greeted, rolling his eyes. As of right now he wasn't in a bad mood— let's see how long that lasts— but sometimes even hearing Harry's voice, no matter how much he loves it, can be irritating. Simply because Harry is overwhelming. His presence is always a lot to take in and Louis just wanted an easy day for once without feeling too much.

"Hear me out greased lightinin'." He picked up his pace so he could walk backwards in front of Louis.

"I'm all ears," Louis sighed sounding the least bit interested in whatever Harry had to say.

He pouted, slumping his shoulders forward and looked highly disappointed that Louis wasn't excited to hear what he had to say. "Woah there, I'm going to need you to hold your excitement."

"Get on with it already."

"Someone's moody today." Harry clawed at him while growling like a cat. "We've skipped friendship and went straight to arguing like a married couple."

"Can I be honest with you?"

"'Course."

"You ramble a lot and, quite frankly, it annoys me so if you would get on with it already that'd be peachy."

Harry was taken aback from Louis' bluntness. He never really was one to be so harsh and it was slightly concerning. However, he didn't get that vibe he usually does when Louis' down. There's usually an overwhelming feeling in the air that was beyond thick tension. It was hard to breathe and focus on anything other than Louis Tomlinson. He didn't feel that, but something was definitely off.

"Right. Well I came up with this genius idea last night before bed." He planted his feet on the cement causing Louis to do the same. He just stood there with absolutely no interest, not even attitude. He was just there. And it felt weird. Louis just stared into him as if he was only a body and no soul. He looked empty but not drained, alive but not living, present but not here. Louis shook his head as if saying  _yeah and?_ signaling for him to carry on. "Oh yeah! So I came up with this idea that if you let me be your friend I will take you out to dinner, just me and you. Consider it a date."

Confliction was a constant whenever it came to Harry presumably because Louis wanted to be associated with him, who doesn't? But there was something in the back of his mind screaming no. Yes he was flattered, tickled even, that Harry would go to great lengths for a stupid friendship (but the butterflies in Louis' stomach when Harry said date will not be mentioned). It's been exactly seven weeks and three days since they first met and Harry was still here. He was still trying so hard to be a part of Louis' life so why was he so conflicted? And he almost gave in until a picture of a toned boy with raven hair and tan skin flashed through his mind giving him chills.

"I'm not much of a food person." He set to walk around Harry but was denied access when the one clear pathway was blocked by his tall figure.

"Okay, then maybe I can take us out to do something you like. Like yoga, or a movie. Maybe even to an amusement park or a fair, they're coming in season you know."

Louis couldn't help but feel suspicious how Harry wanted to take him out. Like he didn't want to hang out in their homes or go somewhere with minimal people. He wanted to go to places with loads of people in very public places. "I'd rather not go out at this time of year, it's rather chilly out."

Harry huffed in frustration because Louis was so damn difficult. When he crossed his arms Louis smiled in amusement, as if it was his goal to annoy him and maybe it was. He gets annoyed on a daily basis so why not return the favor? "Okay, I can buy you something, anything you ever wanted."

"Hm, well I do have to say that I've always had a taste for Lamborghinis." He walked passed Harry, grabbing onto the strap of his backpack to turn him around and drag him along. The action caught him off guard making him trip over his feet, but he soon recovered and followed after his neighbor.

"Wow, well, that answer wasn't ideal but I guess I'm going to have to start saving up." His heart defied his strong-willed mind and Louis giggled at Harry's childishness, bringing life back into the atmosphere. "It's nice to have Louis back," Harry smiled.

"I've always been here."

"Not entirely kitten." Harry snaked his arm around Louis' back, cupping his hand around his waist. But as his fingers grazed the small of Louis' back, an explosion of butterflies and tingles and electricity busted through Louis' entire body.

"This is, uh, quite intimate the way you're holding me." Louis' body stiffened only a little bit. The feeling of someone so close didn't sit well with him and usually he'd freak out and turned into a statue with tears streaming down his face but he continued to walk by Harry's side, only the slightest bit uncomfortable. Which, he thought was out of the ordinary considering he couldn't stand the presence of other people let alone be touched by one.

"Am I making you uncomfortable? I feel you're stiff in my arm." Harry never wanted to make Louis uncomfortable especially if he doesn't like to be touched— which he figured Louis wasn't the keenest in physical touch but the fact that he got him to talk was improvement so maybe the whole touching situation was on its way.

"Only slightly."

"Did you want me to release you?"

"It's fine," Louis said softly, his face burning red. He needed to stop listening to his heart or else he's going to get himself into trouble again.

"That's good because I like having you so close to me. I don't know, I get this warm feeling in the pit of my stomach."

"That's because of body heat, Harry." Louis rolled his eyes shifting and settling himself more comfortably into Harry's side. A squeeze at his waist forced another wave of butterflies to swarm freely in his stomach.

"No, it's much more than that. It's hard to explain honestly." Everything he felt towards Louis was hard to explain. He couldn't explain why he wanted to be his friend so bad or why he loved talking to him or why those dull blue eyes drew him in every single time he saw them. "You know how gravity pulls humans down to the earth?"

Louis wanted nothing more than to get into an argument about the physics of gravity with Harry but he decided to save that for another time and let Harry express what he had to say. "Sure."

They were now walking side by side with no touching, but still centimeters apart, since Louis separated the two of them after feeling a rush of blood to his middle that he hasn't felt in a long, long time. "Well picture this: you're the earth and you have this gravitational pull that draws me to you."

"I think I like the earth and the moon better."

"What do you mean?"

"You're the earth and I'm the moon."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Harry wasn't the smartest when it came to astronomy, or much of anything school related, if it wasn't already obvious.

"The earth's gravitational pull is what keeps the moon in place." Louis shrugged. "Without the earth, the moon would be floating freely through the galaxy."

Louis never really expressed how he felt about Harry, and maybe he wasn't now. Maybe he was giving Harry a quick lesson about the earth and the moon but it can't be foolish of him to think Louis was using that as a metaphor to feel more comfortable on communicating how he feels. "It's nice to be free every once in a while."

"The moon doesn't just leave and then come back," Louis laughed looking up at Harry feeling a lot better than he did when he woke up this morning.

"It doesn't?" Harry smiled, biting down on his bottom lip.

"Apparently not."

"Why'd you choose yourself to be the moon?" Louis looked at him with a cocked brow. "I mean, it'd make sense for you to pick the earth since the earth attracts the moon. So I'm just wondering why you chose the moon for yourself."

For as intelligent as Louis was, it hadn't occurred to him that he admitted that Harry pulled him in just as much as he pulled Harry in. And he knew Harry caught on to that fact and chose not to dwell on it because he didn't want a chance for Louis to take it away from him. "Because the earth is constant."

"So is the moon," Harry replied in confusion. Louis said the moon doesn't leave but he's also implying that the moon doesn't stay and now Harry's brain is rattled before the school day has even begun.

"Not exactly. The moon is only visible at night."

"But the moon is still there during the day."

"Nobody cares about the moon until it's needed for light amongst the darkness. Other than that the moon serves no purpose; earth would do just fine without."

Harry frowned at Louis' implication on the views of himself. He's never befriended someone who thought so lowly of themself; that their existence isn't necessary for human existence. "I don't think so. I think earth would get lonely without the company of the moon. And there are those days where the moon is visible in the sky during the day. It's faint but everyone still sees it."

Louis scoffed, shaking his head in disagreement. "Earth has way more priorities to take care of than worrying about the moon. Like not exploding and taking care of its humans."

"How can the earth take care of its humans without their best mate the moon? If the moon wasn't present at night, who's going to shine light on them?" There was no response Louis could think of to counteract what Harry said. The moon was essential one way or another. "And I know you know that there are way more critical things the moon does for the earth like lunar tides or something. So I think it's fair to say that the moon's gravitational pull is crucial to life on earth."

"When'd you get so smart?"

"I'm not an expert but I happened to know a thing or two." Their arrival to school seemed to come too soon as Harry thought their conversation had just begun. "So what about that proposal?" Harry asked stopping in their usual spot at the bottom of the steps.

"Where'd you plan on taking me?" Louis cheesed, biting down on his lip and looking so adorable, Harry thought.

He smiled in return ecstatic that Louis wanted to spend time with him. "I'll take you wherever you want to go." Harry grabbed onto the loose strings hanging from the straps of Louis' backpack. At first glance you'd think this pair were involved romantically by the way Harry was looking at Louis and the smile on Louis' face. But they were barely two friends just looking and smiling at each other very platonically.

"I've always wanted to go to the park." Because of the tragically unique situation Louis was put through as a kid, he never got to live a normal childhood. He never really went to parks or played in fields. There came a time in primary school, where, during break time he'd sit off to the side and watch his schoolmates have fun, losing interest in all things that had to do with life at such a young age.

"The park?" Harry asked bemused. Out of all places he could've chosen— the theatre, a concert, an expensive restaurant— and he chose the park? Louis bit down on his lip again, smiling and nodding his head looking too excited that it could've been mistaken for nostalgia. "Which one?"

"Regents."

"Regents? That's like thirty minutes away." Louis' face slowly dropped, realizing that maybe he was asking too much of Harry. "Are you sure you're going to want to be in the car with me for that long?"

His eyes rolled and he took a step back, pulling Harry with him since he was still hanging onto those straps. "When?"

"Today."

"Today? Have you gone mad?" Louis laughed pushing Harry's hands off his backpack.

"What? We have s all the time after school." He followed Louis up the stairs and into the building before Louis stopped and poked his finger to Harry's chest.

"Goodbye Harry." He was grinning, smirking even, as he walked towards his locker.

"I'll be waiting for you after last lesson," Harry said loudly in hopes Louis would hear him and he did, loud and clear. He was going to be hanging out with the 'weird kid' of the school and Harry couldn't be bothered to care. It felt good to not have to force him into doing anything because that's how a friendship should work. And Louis agreed to be friends with Harry if he took him to the park. Louis was smirking and being honest and expressing himself and everything felt so new. When Harry first saw Louis this morning he was practically a zombie but then something switched and he was too happy to care whether or not it was temporary.

 

** 2:55 pm **

It was temporary.

When the bell rang for the release of school, the halls flooded with teenagers rushing to leave the horrid building they had to attend for eight hours a day. Harry left his study hall and strolled down the corridors, taking his time since he was in no rush to exit the building. As he made his way to his locker, he pulled out his phone to message people back and scroll through social media after being deprived of the internet for forty five minutes. "Harry, hey," he heard a sweet voice speak from behind him.

He turned his head around and followed the figure to the spot to his left, meeting bright green eyes. "Oh, hey Mo. What's up?" Harry stuffed his phone into his pocket to give her his full attention, snaking his arm around her waist just like he did with Louis this morning.

"Want to get a late lunch or something? Catch a movie? Or maybe go for a walk, or to the park? Anything?" She smiled up at him, her dimples making an appearance. Harry leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. The word park sparked a reminder in his head of a tiny boy with fluffy hair and it made him grin.

"That all sounds very lovely and I'd love to, but I already made plans with a friend." He stopped at his locker, leaning against the cold metal with Monet close to him, barely holding onto each other's fingers. "I'm sorry, I could cancel if you want me to." He really didn't want to cancel on Louis because he's been waiting for this for weeks and he finally had it in the palm of his hand and hopefully Monet will understand.

"No, you're alright." Harry let out a deep, heavy sigh of relief, a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I don't want to be one of those girlfriends. You have fun."

"Thanks Mo, I'll see you tomorrow." Harry smiled and leaned in to kiss his girlfriend, moving his hands up to her shoulders and linking them behind her neck.

"Get a room," Niall chanted as he passed the couple, receiving two pairs of eyes rolling behind closed lids.

"I'll kiss you too Niall," Harry teased, turning towards his friend as he walked away.

"You can give me a smooch once you break up with Mo. I don't kiss cheaters."

"Don't temp me Ni." Both boys laughed at their banter.

"Hey," Monet whined, hitting Harry on his shoulder.

"What? How could I turn down an offer like that? You know how long I've had a crush on him for." She rolled her eyes again and interlocked their fingers.

Louis rounded the corner to go to his locker when he paused in his tracks after he saw Monet leaning into Harry at his locker. He stayed back watching them until Harry leaned in to kiss Monet. That was enough for Louis to continue in the direction he came from and he headed to the bathroom. In there, he locked himself in the stall and sat on one of the toilets with his knees pulled to his chest and forcefully putting his head against them, too upset to worry about the growing headache, and his arms wrapped around his legs. He sighed as he moved his arms to rub his fingers into his scalp.

This always made him feel safe— being curled up in a ball and whatnot. It helped soothe his nerves and help him calm down. But he wasn't crying, of course not. Why would he be crying? He and Harry weren't even friends, Harry wasn't gay, and Louis didn't like Harry in that way. His sudden change in mood was not because of a tall curly-haired boy who was kissing his girlfriend in the school corridors. There was nothing wrong with two teens expressing their love for one another.

He wasn't crying.

Okay, maybe he was, but it wasn't over Harry. No, he wasn't crying over Harry. Why would he be crying over Harry? It had nothing to do with Harry. Well maybe it had a little to do with Harry. But not because Harry was dating Monet instead of him. No, that definitely wasn't the reason. He knew it would never happen so why would he get upset over it? He just wanted to have someone love him and care for him the way Harry and Monet or any other couple in this school love and care for each other. He wanted a relationship. He wanted a person to always be there for him because in his seventeen pathetic years of existence Louis' never had a boyfriend. Because it's not right, so he's been told.

After a few self-deprecating minutes, Louis decided to let himself out the bathroom and head to his locker. Before leaving the bathroom, he made sure he looked normal, not that anyone would care but it did make him feel at ease knowing that there won't be too many people staring at him like he was crazy. To his luck the halls were practically empty, as they usually were when he was about ready to leave the school, so he took his time walking to his locker, sulking. His head was hanging low and his feet dragged with every step, his shoulders slumped forward.

"There he is! What're you up to Lou?" he heard someone ask as he approached his locker.

Knowing who it was (only one person calls him Lou), he looked up from the floor, his eyes just as empty as they were this morning when Harry had first seen him. He wouldn't have given a response but he's already made eye contact, acknowledging Harry's presence. Louis tried to fake a smile the best he could but his gaze was so cold and unconvincing. "Just going to my locker," Louis replied softer than he wanted. "Wh-what're you still doing here?" He stood next to where Harry sat in front of his own locker.

"Roll your shoulders back, love, you're looking like a zombie," Harry said, his voice full of cheer and happiness, unaware of Louis' switch in mood from earlier today. "I was waiting for you, remember? Regents park?" Shoot. That was today wasn't it? Surely he won't be upset that Louis wasn't in the mood to go anymore, especially since it was 'planned' last minute. "But if I knew you were going to take this long, I would've brought some snacks." Harry stood from the floor, dusting his pants off. "What took so long anyway?"

Louis exchanged a few textbooks from his backpack to his locker and vice versa. "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting people to be waiting for me. I'll make note of that next time." Louis slammed his locker shut and walked away at a quick pace. "No one told you to stay behind."

"But we made plans?" His actions caused Harry to take a step back before hesitantly chasing after him.

Louis halted his steps and turned to his neighbor in anger. He didn't know why he was angry. Just a few minutes ago he was shedding tears and now he wants to punch something. As if seeing Harry's face set off a fuse. "No, it was a suggestion. You asked me where I wanted to visit and I said the park. I never said I wanted to go with you nor did I say I wanted to go today." But he did want to go with Harry, maybe not today but someday. He's never been and the presence of someone lovely would be a nice addition.

"But it was implied that you wanted to go with me. I said I wanted to take you out and you asked me where'd I take you, so of course I'd think you'd want to go with me."

"Well this is me telling you that I don't want to go with you." Louis quickly walked away again, more like strutted, his feet carrying him swiftly and rapidly across the courtyard.

Harry followed behind him, taking big steps in order to catch up. "Do you always do this?" Harry grabbed the back of Louis backpack in an unintentionally rough way, spinning him around. Louis crossed his arms, in front of his chest and stayed silent, not seeming to care about being manhandled in the way he was. "Is this a thing that you do? You get an attitude and push people away when they're trying to be your friend?" Harry stared at Louis, sending beams of lasers into his soul. He always tried to keep his cool and be patient with Louis but he can only be pushed so far until he exploded and right now he was fuming. All he wanted was a friend and yet that seemed to be the most difficult task in the world.

Louis sighed looking away for a quick second but met his gaze again. "What do you want Harry Styles?" The anger in his bones completely washed away and he was now so defeated. This constant battle with Harry wasn't worth it anymore. Not only did it take too much energy, but he didn't need a friend. He's gone this long without one so get one now? It's time to end it once and for all.

"Haven't I made it clear of what I want? I'm just trying to be your friend. I don't understand why you're making it so difficult for me."

Louis scoffed, the annoyance making its return. "Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, I don't want to be your friend?" He walked closer to Harry pinching his fingers together and squinting his eyes.

Harry stood his ground with clenched fists, watching Louis approach him. "Oh, of course, many times. By the numerous times I've been rejected. I even had to forcefully invite myself into your home for you to hang out with me." It's a stupid fight, a really really stupid fight, but it was frustrating. Friendship shouldn't be so hard to achieve and maybe a friendship with Louis wasn't worth it after all.

"Use you brain Harry," Louis screamed, getting into Harry's face and catching the attention of the few people scattered across the car park and courtyard. "Take a hint for once. It's been almost two months and we're still not friends. Stop trying already."

Harry scrunched his eyebrows and tightened his fists. Now he was the one who was conflicted. He didn't want to leave Louis. Every second he spent with him felt like the world disappeared and it was only them (he didn't even feel that way with Monet). It felt so nice to let go every once in a while and without Louis he can't get that. But on the other hand Louis was so stubborn and Harry didn't know if he had the will power to continue pursuing his friendship. Yeah his mum told him he needed patience but how much patience is he going to need?

"You put on a good show Louis Tomlinson, but I'm not buying it. You want to know what I think? I think you're just afraid of being vulnerable. You're afraid to let someone in, especially a total stranger, I get it Louis, I do. But I'm not them, I'm genuinely trying. Why can't you see that? I've never once acted like those people you despise so I don't understand why you keep holding back from me."

"But you're still friends with them so it doesn't matter. I don't need your pitiful friendship."

"Fine," Harry grunted and as he walked passed Louis he bumped their shoulders knocking Louis off balance.

He gasped, turning Harry around before he got too far only to forcefully push him to the ground saying, "don't fucking push me," and instantly Harry filled with regret and guilt. He fell to the floor with a thud, filled with confusion for a few seconds before he looked up at Louis who was huffing and puffing with clenched fists and angry eyes. His chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace and his face was turning a deep red. Harry set off the bomb. Louis hated when people swear and he just did. He's upset Louis beyond his limits and he could see it in his tear-filled eyes and his whitening knuckles in his clenched fists.

But Harry doesn't back down. No matter how guilty or regretful he feels he doesn't let it show because he was just shoved to the ground. He was in fight mode and Louis witnessed the switch in Harry's eyes. They weren't sparkling green anymore, they turned dark and there wasn't even the hint of a smile that he always had on his face. His fists were clenched impossibly tight and the crease in his eyebrows seemed to be there forever. This wasn't the Harry he knew and it scared him how quickly and easily he could switch. He's never seen this boy before, he doesn't even look like Harry.

"Hit me," Louis whispered, catching Harry off guard. Instantly, every muscle in his body relaxed. His fists opened and the green in his eyes returned. "Hit me," he repeated, "I know you want to so just get it over with." A tear slipped from his eye and his body began to shake. The fact that he came to that conclusion so quick was worrying. How many other times has this happened where someone was angry at Louis and he asked them to hit him to get their angers out? Or how many other times had someone hit Louis because they were mad and now he asked for them to hit him because he wanted to get it over with?

Harry stood from the ground and walked closer to Louis who was preparing himself for the blow. But after a few seconds of nothing, he opened his eyes to see Harry towering over him. "Hit me," he said. Louis furrowed his brows and took a step back. "Hit me," Harry repeated taking a step towards the small boy.

"No," Louis let out taking another step back.

"C'mon, hit me." Harry grabbed Louis' hand and forced it into his stomach. "Hit me." He drove the fist into his stomach again, grunting at the force. Bystanders became confused at the scene before them: Harry punching himself using Louis' fist. "Hit me Louis."

"No," he repeated.

"Get angry and hit me." Harry was a strong boy, he could take the blows. And it wasn't for Harry's own pleasure that he asked Louis to hit him— to mock and tease him. He just thought that by Louis hitting him, all the anger and hatred and stubbornness would be released through every punch. He cared for Louis, so much he'd injure himself to make him feel better. "Don't just stand there, hit me."

"I can't."

"Yes you can." Harry took Louis' hand into his and balled them up into fists. "Do it." After a few hesitant moments Louis weakly lobbed his fists into Harry's chest. "Harder." He flashed Harry a look of concern even though he knew his hardest punch won't do any damage. But he hit him again harder but the force was still weak. "C'mon, imagine me to be someone you hate, someone so grotesque you can't stand to see their face. Any time you see them you just want to hit them." A few names popped into his head but one stood out from the others,  _Rory_.

He hasn't heard or thought of that name in years. The thought instantaneously sent shivers throughout his body and his stomach flipped upside down. He felt sick. But when he didn't see Harry anymore and instead saw  _Rory_ , Louis lost it. He punched and punched and punched over and over into Harry's stomach. The punches were harder than he expected and soon he was in pain but he let Louis continue to get his anger out. Blow after blow after blow, it was getting harder to breathe and when he looked down into Louis' eyes he felt sick. He was lost, stuck in a daydream (a nightmare rather). He was imagining Harry to be that person and he was stuck between a dream and reality.

So Harry grabbed his fists, steadying his still moving green hands saying "hey, hey, hey, Louis."

"Stop it, stop it," Louis responded, squeezing his eyes shut letting tears fall and attempted to keep punching Harry.

Harry caused this. He caused Louis to go into a panic, he put Louis into a situation neither of them ever wanted him to visit. And even though he didn't know what that place was, he knew it wasn't good. "Louis, hey, open your eyes."

"Rory," was the only thing he said, his limbs still flailing. The only way Harry could control Louis was by squeezing him close to his body, holding his arms between their chests.

"No, not Rory. Harry. I'm Harry." Louis seemed to relax from the sound of Harry's name. Because that name didn't exist in the time of Rory. Harry was nice. He was safe. He was love. He was  _Harry_. Suddenly Louis became limp in Harry's arms, drained and weakened from the punching and the overwhelming feeling of revisiting Rory. Harry sat down on the grass holding Louis in his lap and combing the fringe away from his face. "Steady your breathing love, you're safe now. You're safe."

He  _was_  safe. As long as Harry was there he was safe. He closed his eyes and let the soothing feeling of Harry's fingers in his hair calm him down. He was safe. "I'm safe." His voice was frail and scratchy as if he had just woken up or just got done screaming.

"You are Lou."

"Please hold me." Louis wasn't one to beg, especially for affection but he needed it right now. He needed reassurance that everything was going to be okay. He needed the feeling of care and warmth and love that he didn't get when he was younger. And when Harry's long arms wrapped around him he imagined it to be those of his father's. This was all he wanted as a child, for someone to believe him and hold him while he cried because it wasn't normal. He shouldn't have been treated the way he was.

"I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm so sorry." He held Louis closer and tighter, letting Louis latch onto him with extreme strength. "I'll make it up to you kitten, I promise." And when Louis didn't respond, Harry kissed the top of his head and whispered, "je promets." He finally got the love and care and reassurance that he didn't get when he was younger. He finally got that from a neighbor who moved in almost two months ago. Someone who barely knew him but cared for him immensely. Harry had no idea what Louis went through but he was going to hold him through the pain.


	18. he was stuck with who he was and what he had and apparently that wasn't enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love fluff ((:

mood: keep on wanting- the fray

 

 

** Saturday, September 30th 12:13 pm **

Louis was reading  _Of Mice and Men_  on his front lawn soaking in the nice, fall day. He laid on his back underneath a big weeping willow with his feet propped up on the trunk. The sun was shining, leaves were beginning to change colors, and a light, gentle breeze was blowing a scent of pine through the air. It wasn't warm enough for a short sleeve, but not cold enough to wear a coat. He wore an oversized, black zip up (it was only a medium but Louis was tiny tiny tiny) with a white t-shirt underneath, paired with light washed jeans with rips at the knees— he wouldn't usually wear them but he needed to do his laundry. It was a normal Saturday, besides the fact that Louis was relaxing outside. Being outside was never really an appealing idea to him, however he couldn't deny how beautiful the day was, so he figured he would enjoy some time out with a classic.

An hour or two ago he heard Harry leave with Monet for a day out. It helped him decide that he should spend the afternoon soaking up the sun, well, in the shade that is. It's not like he was watching them outside because, psh, why would he do that? He was simply minding his own business when he just so happened to hear car doors being closed and as a concerned neighbor he peeked through the blinds to make sure there wasn't a robbery, obviously. However, for the past couple weeks Harry had been announcing his departure and arrivals to Louis often times he went out (never when he left with Zayn or anyone else who thought badly of Louis).

It was a simple, pointless act but Louis appreciated it. More so, he felt appreciated and wanted, something he hasn't felt in forever. He would usually shout,  _"Bye Louis, I'll see you later,"_  or a  _"it'll only be a couple hours, we can hang out after Louis,"_  and sometimes a _"wish I was hanging out with you instead Louis."_ The last one was usually used with Niall and a few seconds later he'd hear Niall whining but Harry only shrugged and got into the car. Monet found it adorable how Harry always called out to Louis before he left, as if he were his own parent. And whenever he came back, he would shout,  _"I'm back Louis," "We can hang out now,"_  or  _"You would've been much more fun."_

Though they never actually hung out, it all warmed Louis' heart and he couldn't help but smile every time. One night, Harry came to his window throwing pebbles at it to tell him that he won't be coming back that night, and he'll let him know when he's back the next day. It was the day of some important family event (he figured since his whole family left and arrived in the same car). Even though Harry told him he wouldn't be coming back that night, Louis had a moment of worry before remembering. He used these announcements to make sure Harry left and returned home safely. A couple weekends he'd gotten a drunken, slurred shout, which made Louis cringe. The thought of drinking or alcohol in general makes him queasy and he didn't like that Harry was drinking, but at least he got home safe, right?

He's been outside for nearly an hour and was almost halfway through the book and, honestly, he loved it. It was such a beautiful fall day and Louis wondered why he hadn't done this before. There's no harm in going outside and enjoying a classic. It was his tenth time reading  _Of Mice and Men_  (it was his favorite) and what better way to relive the nostalgia than to feel nostalgic himself. He loved reading, especially the classic novels everyone know and love. But he wasn't into the 'mainstream' novels (that's what he liked to call them) like  _Wuthering Heights, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre,_  etc. Though they were all great novels and he's of course read them, but he never found them as compelling or interesting as he found  _Of Mice and Men_ and other novels that are commonly overlooked _._

 

** 2:31 pm **

Louis' been reading nonstop for a few hours and the book was nearly finished. He would usually take a few breaks to rest his eyes or get a snack, but he didn't want to break away from such a beautiful day by going inside. He took his time reading, processing and analyzing everything and he absolutely didn't mind if it took him weeks to finish a book if it meant that he was able to relate to or to just understand what's being said. Being so indulged into the book, he didn't hear car doors opening and closing from across the street.

As he usually would, Harry was about to yell out to Louis that he was back but stopped when he saw his tiny neighbor laying in the front yard. He smiled and made his way across the street, laying opposite of him where his feet were towards the drive and his head next to Louis'. Propping his head up on his elbow, he looked at the boy with Louis still not acknowledging his presence. He got closer to whisper, "I'm back kitten," into his ear, pulling back with a big grin.

Louis jumped from the unexpected sound and presence of another human being and he may or may not have ended up hitting Harry with his book. But the painful yelp and the covering of his eye, confirmed that he did in fact hit Harry in his face and he instantly felt guilty. "Harry," Louis gasped. He turned to face the curly-haired boy. "I'm so sorry, are you okay?" Harry removed his hand from his face, squeezing his eye shut. His skin was starting to turn pink and a small tear stayed at the corner of his eye. "I'm sorry," Louis whispered as he stroked Harry's shut eye with a gentle finger, wiping the tear away.

Harry chuckled and grabbed Louis' finger removing it from his eye. Slowly, he opened it revealing a now reddened and glossy eye, but somehow his irises still managed to sparkle. Louis gasped from the sight of him hurting a sweet boy who'd caused him no harm, but Harry immediately shushed him by stroking the stray hairs away from his face. "'s okay Lou, I deserved it for sneaking up on you."

"That doesn't mean you deserve a black eye."

Harry laughed, shaking his head and tucking Louis' hair behind his ear. "I'm not going to have a black eye. I was just poked with the corner of a... hard book. Give it a few minutes and it'll be back to normal."

"I still feel bad." Louis frowned while scanning over Harry's features. This was the closest they've ever been and there are so many things about Harry that Louis hadn't noticed before. Like the golden flakes in the center of his eye or the sparse stubble growing on his chin or just how pink his lips really are.

"Then kiss it."

"Huh?" Louis snapped out his trance and looked Harry in his eyes again with confusion written all over his face.

"My eye. Kiss it to make it feel better." There was a grin on his face and his fingers found their way to the back of Louis' neck. His face blushed a bright red and he sat up, putting some space between the two of them and rested his chin on his knees. "What? Is that a no?" Louis shook his head, giggling to himself. "What ya reading?"

Louis pointed to the book that laid on the grass as Harry grabbed it, examining the cover and flipping it over to read the back. " _Of Mice and Men._ "

He nodded his head, flipping through the book, noticing the notes and highlighting Louis left on the pages. He smiled and asked, "What's it about?"

Louis looked at him in utter disbelief. "You're kidding, right?" Harry looked at him a blank expression. "You've never read it?" Harry shook his head. "It's mandatory for school reading."

"And? What's it about?" Louis had no words. He asked him again if he's never really read it and Harry laughed and shook his head. "What are you gonna do, spank me for being a bad boy?" And if Louis' face couldn't get any redder.

Instead of responding to what Harry just said, he answered his previous question to distract the thoughts stampeding through his mind. "It's placed during the Great Depression and follows two migrant ranch workers, George and Lennie, as they travel from place to place in California in search of job opportunities. But they have a dream of owning their own farm, and Lennie's part of the dream is owning a rabbit farm so he can pet them," Louis chuckled but soon frowned when saying, "even though he always kills them." When Harry gave him a confused look, wanting Louis to further his explanation. "Lennie's autistic. He's this big, strong guy who doesn't know or understand how strong he is. And George takes care and looks after him as they travel." After realizing he was rambling on about something Harry probably couldn't care less about, he decided to cut it short. "It's basically about friendship and loneliness."

"How is there loneliness if there's friendship?" Harry asked darting his eyes all over Louis' face, searching for something in his expression. The question felt all too familiar and it's as thought he needed an answer.

"Yeah, George and Lennie were best buddies, but at the same time you can only imagine how lonely George felt having to constantly look after and cover for someone that wasn't able to function properly in society. It was a one-sided friendship most of the time because you have Lennie causing all this trouble and then George having to cover for him. But they did love each other unconditionally. Other than that, the other characters express the importance of friendship to prevent loneliness and all in all, insanity." They looked at each other for a minute or two in silence. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Harry smiled. "You like this book?" He shook the book in his hand. He knew the answer just by the way Louis spoke on and on about it and the copious amount of notes and markings in the book.

"Love it," Louis replied. "It's my favourite." He smiled and wrapped his arms around his legs.

"Yeah?" Louis smiled and nodded his head. "I can tell." Harry smiled, thumbing through the pages again. "You know," he began, "you have so many notes in this book and yet, you've taken nothing away from it."

"How do you mean?" Louis furrowed his eyebrows.

Harry scooted closer to hand the book back to Louis and since he was already there, he pushed the glasses up on Louis' nose. "Nothing, kitten." Louis thought Harry had a staring problem. "I've got to go; mum's been expecting me for a while now." Harry stood from the ground and dusted off his pants. Louis looked up at him feeling even smaller than he already was. It wasn't a secret that basically everyone was taller and bigger than Louis, even kids in secondary school which he found embarrassing. He couldn't help that he was only one hundred and sixty eight centimeters and maybe he could gain a little bit more weight if his metabolism wasn't so fast or if he actually liked food. Harry stuck his hand out for Louis and he took it, dusting himself off with the one available hand he had. They began to go separate ways after a gentle nod when Harry just couldn't keep to himself. "Hey, um, Lou?" Louis turned around with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Harry," Louis more of whispered to himself, clutching the book tight to his chest.

"Are you going to be busy in a few hours?" Harry took steps back towards Louis' lawn.

"Why do you ask?" He smirked and quirked an eyebrow, popping his hip.

"Can you answer my question?" He was smiling, of course he was. When wasn't he?

"Answer mine."

He took one of Louis' hand into both of his, gently tugging on the small fingers. "Just wanted to see if you wanted to come with me to Regents. I heard it was a place you've always wanted to go and I wouldn't mind haven't a cute face around."

"I don't think I'd be the right candidate then." Even though he didn't believe the words Harry said his face still flushed and he removed his hand from Harry's because they were beginning to sweat— he can't help his nervous ticks.

"Oh on the contrary Monsieur Louis, I happen to think you're very cute. I've told you on multiple occasions, it's nothing new."

"Goodbye Harry." Louis began to walk away only to be pulled back by the hand.

"Please?"

"I'm going out with my mum."

"Doing what?"

"Going to the shops."

Harry fake yawned, patting his hand over his mouth to exaggerate his boredom. "Boring. Come hang out with me. I promise we'll have fun."

"Doesn't it get tiring? Being out all day?" With his book still in hand, he brought his arms behind him, leaning forward and then backwards on his feet.

"It can, but I'm always in the mood to hang out with you." Louis smiled, shaking his head and looked to the ground. "So, what do you say?"

"I'm going to the shops, Harry."

"Well I'll be at Regents around four thirty and I'll be waiting for you for thirty minutes and if you don't show up by five, I'll leave. If you don't show up there'll be no hard feelings and I'll see you on Monday, but please, please consider it."

Louis couldn't be smug with how sincere and desperate Harry sounded. He wanted to say ' _don't hold your breath'_ or ' _you'd be wasting your time_ ' or just anything to tease Harry but he almost sounded upset on the last sentence he spoke. Going won't hurt, right? It was the least he could do after continually turning him down with any offer he'd given, right? Just because he goes doesn't mean he  _had_  to be friends with Harry. Yes, that technically was the deal, but Louis wasn't ready for a friendship with someone as beautiful as Harry. As silly as it sounded, it was totally serious. He wasn't ready for the ridicule and comparisons and harsh words thrown at him because he'd be associated with Harry.

He does get that every so often no matter what (it had calmed down a bit since Harry moved here) but he wasn't being compared to someone who could be considered a modern day Adonis with his tanned skin and beautiful long locks with sparkling green eyes and a fit body and long legs. They poked fun at him for who he was but being compared to someone who was next to perfect would be so much more damaging because no matter how hard he tried, he would never look like that. He couldn't grow a few more centimeters or grow bouncy curls. He was stuck with who he was and what he had and apparently that wasn't enough.

"I'll see you," Louis whispered, turning away from the tall boy and walked toward his house.

"Half passed four," Harry repeated, watching Louis disappear into his house.

"Nice chat with Harry?" Laura chimed the second the door closed behind her son. She appeared out of nowhere, startling him.

"Sure." Louis headed straight for the stairs and was planning on going to his room until his mum spoke up again.

"What'd he want?"

"Wanted to see if I wanted to go to Regents with him later. But I told him I was busy so." He took a step up, looking at his mum knowing she had more to say.

"You should go, you've always wanted to go." She stepped closer, leaning against the railing.

"No ma, I already told him I wouldn't go. It's too late."

"We're only going to be a few minutes out, you should go."

"Ma-"

"What time?"

He could lie and say a random time, but he could never lie to his mum and even if he tried she always saw right through him. "Five o clock." It wasn't a lie, just a fabrication of the truth. Harry was going to be staying until five anyway so did he really lie?

 

** 4:58 pm **

As promised, Harry waited on a bench nearby the entrance of Regents Park. He's been sitting there since four twenty four because he liked to be early. During his time waiting he impatiently tapped his foot when he sat, paced the concrete, peered around the corners frequently, and he bit his nails down to the nub. Anxiety was never something Harry experienced before and he couldn't understand why he was feeling it now. No, he didn't get rejected often but when he did he didn't seem to care. Waiting for Monet or Niall never made him nervous, even when he had his first date with Monet he wasn't nervous.

So why was he nervous when it came to Louis? A boy who couldn't care less about his existence. Someone who has shown no interest in him at all. A person who has repeatedly turned him down. In any sane person's mind, they would have given up already, but Harry saw something special in Louis. Something so beautiful that he couldn't let go of the kindling friendship they had. So when the clock read five o two he stayed sitting on the bench because maybe, just  _maybe_ , Louis is going to come and he's just running late. Because  _maybe_  Louis wanted to be Harry's friend as much as Harry wanted to be his. And  _maybe_  Louis enjoyed the company of a strange, curly boy.

Every car that passed by or stopped in front of him or anytime someone would walk by would cause butterflies to swarm in his stomach in hopes it'd be Louis stepping out the car, but the butterflies would be replaced with a frown when it never was. No matter the boredom he remained hopeful. The thirty minutes went by slowly but he hoped that Louis would have the heart to show up.

But when the clock read five o six he lost all hope. If he wasn't here now, Louis was never going to come and Harry had to accept the fact that the friendship was one sided, that Louis didn't want a friend. So he took all the pride he had left and got up from the bench one last time, heading to his car with his head hung low. He waited for cars to stop before crossing the street, making his way to his car when a sweet, sweet, sweet voice chimed his name.

"Harry?" He immediately turned around and was met with a small boy with brilliant blue eyes.

"Louis," Harry replied with the widest grin on his face. He wanted so badly to run and hug him but he knew that Louis wasn't the keenest on physical touch so he opted to just approach him radiating as much positivity as he could. "You look stunning kitten, well dressed for our date." Louis wore a white long sleeved button down tucked into fitted black skinnies and a black belt with a gold buckle paired with black vans.

"It's not a date." As it always does, Louis' face flushed and he became very self conscious because this was the first time Harry saw him wear anything other than bunny clothes and he wasn't sure if Harry was joking or not. His hair was even styled parted to the side and pushed to the back.

"If I'm gonna be honest I'm quite speechless. You really do look good." He really did love the way Louis looked. He always thought Louis looked good but  _god_  did he look amazing. "You should dress like this more often, you'd be irresistible." When a car horn sounded through the air the two boys walked onto the sidewalk. "So what's got you all dressed up?"

"I had to do something."

"A little dressy for the shops."

"Yeah well, I forgot I had something to do so the shops visit had to be cancelled." It was slightly annoying how Louis was always so vague whenever he talked about his personal life.

And instead of pestering him with questions on what specifically it was that had him dressed up, Harry let it be and reveled in the fact that Louis looked  _so good_. "Well lucky them. C'mon, before it gets dark." Harry outstretched his arm for Louis to hook his around but he ignored it and walked into the park.

"My mum's coming to pick me up in an hour and a half," Louis said, peeking his head to the side to glance at Harry.

"Let's not focus on the right now. Let's just enjoy our time together, yeah?"

 

** 9:02 **

It was dark out. When the two boys met up the sun was an hour or two away from setting and now the sky was pitch black and the only thing casting light was the moon. Harry and Louis ventured nearly every part of the park. At first it was very awkward because Louis' never really done this before and Harry was still nervous. He didn't want Louis to be uncomfortable or regret coming and Louis just wanted to make it out alive. But of course, Harry being the charming and charismatic character he was got Louis to break out of his shell and had a somewhat decent conversation with him.

It started with really weird and peculiar questions, more like hypotheticals, such as ' _if you were a lumberjack how much would do you think you'd cut in a day?'_ or ' _let's say that you really are the moon, how strong would you make the waves?'_  and many other nonsensical questions. Being the good sport he was he answered all of them to the best of his ability, most of the time having to take a few minutes to think. But it did help Louis open up because of how ridiculous the questions were and they were on the path of a normal conversation.

Their journey began with visiting the lake with Harry trying to convince Louis to go on a pedalo with him but there was no budge. Which was fine, of course, so they carried on to the bird walk, discovering and learning about the birds that resided there because apparently Louis was an encyclopedia of anything that roamed the earth. And even though that whole time was basically just another school lesson Harry couldn't be bothered to be distracted by anything that wasn't Louis. He was so engulfed in everything he said and he thought he looked so good especially with how the sun always seemed to find him and cast the warmest glow upon his skin.

After that got boring they went to the netball courts just to see what it was about then headed to the Broad Walk Cafe for a light dinner. Harry offered to go to the restaurant but the food was 'too heavy' there (in Louis' opinion). But they were closed so they two boys ended up going to the restaurant: Harry getting a watermelon and feta fatoush salad? (Which Louis never got tired of teasing him about it because " _why would they put fruit in a salad of vegetables?_ ") and Louis picked at the chips Harry got him and sipped at his ice water.

By the time they finished their food, they reached their last destinations: the gardens. They visited the smaller gardens before going to Queen Mary's Garden and then finally the sole reason why Louis wanted to go to Regents, The Avenue Gardens. He'd seen pictures and thought it was absolutely beautiful but seeing it in real life was unreal. It was a stupid thing to be boggled over but it was so so beautiful and Louis was grateful he actually came.

"You didn't want to come, did you?" Harry spoke up after minutes of silence to let Louis soak in the beauty. He walked alongside the small boy with a long piece of grass between his fingers.

Louis shook his head, biting his cheek and peered over to Harry. "No."

"Don't feel bad love, it's alright. I get it." He didn't  _'get it'_  but he tried his best to understand why Louis was so hesitant. "Your mum make you come?"

"Yeah, I told her you said to meet you here at five because I thought you'd be gone by then but you stuck around."

"I'm not a bad guy, you know. I'm honest when I tell you I care for you and that I want to be your friend. I wouldn't go to great lengths if I didn't." Louis was about to speak up before Harry beat him to it. "And before you question it, Zayn and them? They're just my mates. They don't make decisions for me nor do they change my perception of you. As crazy as you may think it is, I feel more connected to you than I do with any of them and they're my actual friends."

"I guess, but it's just hard. I mean, I guess it's not but I've lost all trust in people, I can barely trust my own parents. Being here is a huge step for me."

"Well then thank you for being here. I'm glad you stayed instead of just turning around." They walked along the pathways, passing by various amounts of colorful trees and flowers. "I don't know what you went through and I probably never will understand but I'm willing to try if you'd let me. You've told me things before and even though they were out of hysteria you trusted me enough to care for you."

"I mean, thank you for those times but I've been in this situation before and I'm not sure if I can do it again. I appreciate your efforts but I'm not sure I can trust again."

"Let me show you then. You don't trust me now, fine. But promise you'll try? Promise you'll try to trust me and I'll promise I'll try my best to understand and respect where you're coming from." Harry smiled and stuck his pinky out, awaiting to be interlocked with Louis'. He pondered about it for a minute or two. The problem wasn't that he didn't trust Harry, the problem was that Louis trusted him so much and it scared him. Obviously he'd never let it show but he trusted Harry with his life. In his heart he knew his intentions were nothing but pure but his mind kept whispering things to him telling him that Harry would be like the rest.

But he interlocked their pinkies, trying to hold back a smirk. "This doesn't mean we're friends." Both boys leaned in to kiss their thumb, Harry with a quirked brow.

"I thought bringing you here was where our friendship began. That was the deal wasn't it?" They continued to walk with their pinkies still interlocked and neither one of them minded.

"We're well acquainted."

Harry smiled, shaking his head and swung their hands the tiniest bit. "What am I going to do with you Louis Tomlinson?" And Harry was going to dwell in this wonderful moment being close to Louis and the ease between the two of them but there was this gorgeous flower straight ahead of him that reminded him of a certain pair of crystal blue eyes.

Without warning, Harry sprinted off forgetting his finger was entwined with Louis' causing him to be tugged a bit and stumble. "Harry," he scoffed. But his gasp was ignored as Harry plucked the baby blue flower from the bush. "Harry! You can't do that." And again he was ignored as Harry picked more flowers of many other colors, bunching them up before grabbing a piece of garden wire and having to wrap it around multiple times to get it to a small enough size. He twisted and tied the flowers around the wire, grabbing smaller ones to fill along with a few small cattails. After a few minutes and Harry was finished crafting and he walked towards Louis with his creation outstretched. "What're you-"

"Sh," Harry shushed him, ruffling up Louis' hair to make it fluffy again and gently placed the crown on his head. He took a few steps back to get a better look with a beautiful, dimpled smile on his face. "Lou."

His face tinted red and his fingers twiddled with themselves. "Do I look okay?"

"God." Harry was speechless. Louis looked so so good especially when he looked at Harry through his thick lashes. "You look so beautiful kitten, I-" He cut himself and took a few steps closer to the tiny boy, pushing his fringe out his face. "Louis."

"Yeah?" Louis smiled which of course made Harry smile. Just as he thought, the baby blue magnolia matched Louis' eyes perfectly. It was the only blue flower amongst the bunches of red roses and pink carnations and purple lavenders and orange begonias, perfectly centered.

"Can I take a picture of you?"

"I-I don't know. I'm not really fond of pictures."

"Please? I just- I don't want to forget how beautiful you look."

"Okay," Louis whispered turning a bright red. He would never ever  _ever_  agree to be photographed and he didn't know why he agreed to it but he honestly wouldn't mind Harry having a picture of him. The thought of Harry having a picture of him not only terrified him, but it mostly put him at ease for an odd reason.

Harry smiled and pulled out his phone from his pocket, grabbing Louis' wrist and dragging him along. "Follow me." He dragged him to a baby blue baby's breath tree and everything was just so beautiful. "Stand under there."

"And do what?" Louis laughed getting very nervous.

"Look pretty."

"How am I supposed to do that?" He laughed again because he was really nervous and camera shy and totally not photogenic but he stayed under the tree listening to Harry's instructions.

"Just be you love." Harry walked up to Louis and fixed his hair, crown, and small details of his clothing. "Don't worry, you look wonderful."

"What do you want me to do?" Louis' feet were crossed, along with his hands and he was looking down to his feet.

"Just stay like that, don't move a muscle." Harry stepped back and squatted down to find a better angle. He took a picture and said, "now look at me."

"You said one," Louis laughed but looked up from the ground with a beautiful smile on his face. And before the smile could go away he took a picture.

"C'mon, it could be a photo shoot." Louis rolled his eyes but couldn't hold back his smile.

After he took a few pictures Harry stood back up and walked towards Louis. "Wanna see them?" Louis shook his head. "You look fine, I promise."

"It's fine." Louis' looked at the clock in the middle of the circle and his eyes widened. "Let's go." He grabbed onto Harry's arm and dragged him out of the garden and towards the exit of the park.

"What's wrong?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows and kept up the pace with Louis. Whenever they hung out it always seemed to end on a bad note as it was starting to get concerning.

"It's almost ten o'clock Harry. My mum was supposed to be here at seven."

"It's almost ten?" Louis spotted to his mum's car and sped towards it before Harry caught onto the pocket of his jacket and pulled him back. "Hey, wait for a minute."

"What?" His breathing was quick and his face was flustered. "Sorry I just-"

"I had a great time tonight." Harry went to grab Louis' hand but he pulled away.

"I-I did too. Thanks for inviting me and waiting around and being patient with me."

"'s no problem. I'd wait forever."

Louis shook his head taking a few steps back. "Oh, here." He started to take the crown off when Harry stopped him.

"Keep it, it wouldn't look nearly as good on me. I get the pictures and you get the crown."

"Thank you again."

"Here, I have something for you." Harry pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket.

"Thanks."

"Be safe Lou, I'll see you on Monday." Louis nodded and headed to his mum's car, trying to hide the smile on his face.

As Louis walked to the car, Harry smiled when Louis unfolded the note. He was definitely so smitten for that boy.

_Louis,_

_You're so special, I hope you know that._

_Harry xx_

And his smile widened he saw Louis stare at the paper with a huge grin on his face. Louis looked up, meeting eyes with Harry and shook his head. Harry waved and got into his car, leaving Louis alone.

When Louis got into the car he immediately apologized for keeping his mum waiting for three hours. "It's alright bub, no worries. Did you have a good time?"

As his mum pulled away Louis stared out the window watching Harry drive out the car park, his smile never disappearing. "I did."

"You bought a crown?"

"No, Harry made it for me." The rest of the car ride was silent and Louis preferred it to be that way, allowing himself to reflect on all the events that happened tonight. He hung out with Harry and actually had a great time. He found himself missing the curly haired boy and it wasn't a good thing. Tonight was fun, but it was trouble— it was a mistake.

It was no secret that Louis had a crush on Harry but tonight made it worse. His fondness only deepened and his crush on Harry got even stronger and, no, it wasn't okay. The smile vanished from his face and when he got home he headed straight to his room and locked the door behind him. It was a good night, but everything always ended badly, for him at least. Before taking his jacket off he checked the pockets to make sure nothing was left in them and felt a thick piece of paper. He pulled it out and revealed a postcard from Regents Park. The front was a picture of The Avenue Gardens and the back was covered in small beautiful cursive.

_Okay, so I know you're probably wondering what's taking me so long and I promise I'm not having a shit. I was on my way out the building when I saw postcards and I felt the need to write you so here we are. I want to begin with thanking you for being here with me. You're so amazing and such a fun time and  I really really want to do this again. Not necessarily go here but just hanging out, me and you. I can't help but feel you actually want to be my friend but you're afraid? And that's okay, I understand. I'm patient and I'm willing to wait and help you through whatever it is that's preventing you to trust me. I'm here for you kitten._

_Look out your window. Do you see that? You're shining bright tonight. You picked a good night. No star could come close to compare. Stay strong, Louis, and continue to shine bright._

_Sincerely yours,_   
_Harry xx_

The note was flattering and Louis couldn't deny the butterflies in his tummy but it only made matters worse. He was falling fast and that couldn't happen. Harry had a girlfriend and no matter what he lets on, he doesn't want the kindling friendship between him and Harry to disappear. So he had to punish himself. The only way to fix things was to press the cold silver metal against his skin. It wasn't okay and he had to learn his lesson.

Half an hour ago he was having the time of his life, feeling things he hasn't felt in ages. But not even that could stop him from bringing out that baby blue box he revisited too often.  
 ****

 


	19. instead of wasting time on a boy who wants to be alone

mood: here for you- kygo ft ella henderson  
  


 

** Tuesday, October 3rd 7:13 am **

Harry drove to school this morning. Despite having a wonderful time with Louis on Saturday, these past two days it seemed as though his tiny neighbour had been avoiding him. Both yesterday and this morning he waited for minutes on end near Louis' drive only for a no show and had to drive to school because he'd be late if he walked. He saw him in the halls but the second he saw Harry he'd scurry off into a place unknown. The game of pining after Louis has begun again, even after their deal. And if it was anything he said or wrote, Harry would like to know, that's the least he deserved.

When he found a spot in the car park he walked to where his friends usually gathered in the courtyard every morning instead of going on a manhunt for a boy who apparently doesn't want to be found. He got comfortable— as comfortable as one would be on the hard benches school had— and snuggled his head into Niall's shoulder.

"I don't get it Ni, why doesn't he want to be my friend?" Harry huffed, closing his eyes when he finally got cozy.

"He's been through a lot H," Niall spoke. "I'd be surprised if he actually considered being your friend."

"But he has!" Harry flailed his arms in the air and let them drop on the top of the mesh-lined tabletop, removing his head from Niall's shoulder. "We have so much fun together and I can physically see whatever it is that's haunting him leave his mind, even if it is only temporary."

"Again, it's not easy for him. Especially with someone who's friends with Zayn, which is understandable."

"Why does everyone say that? First Monet, then Louis, and now you? I'm not Zayn!"

"It doesn't matter cupcake. I've not said one mean word to him and I'm sure he hates my guts because of who I hang out with."

"But that's not fair," Harry pouted, frowning the biggest frown he's ever frowned. "I just want to hug all his problems away. He may not care for me but it doesn't feel good to see him have this constant battle with himself."

"Then maybe you should start diving into the world that is Louis Tomlinson," Niall said so sweetly, guiding Harry's head back to his shoulder so he he could soothe the matted knots at the base of Harry's neck. It was strange but Niall could tell just how important this friendship was to Harry. And he'd be a bad friend to encourage him to give up when this is all he talked about.

"I've tried but he just keeps closing the doors." He sighed and turned his head into Niall's shoulder to huff. "I get one foot in and then he slams the door. On my foot! How am I supposed to get in if I don't have the key?"

"Maybe because to get into Louis' world you need to take a different route, a different door that you  _do_  have a key to."

"And what would that be?" Niall nudged Harry with his elbow to get his head off his shoulder then jolted his head up with his eyes concentrated forward. Harry looked in the direction and knew exactly who he was talking about. You'd be able to recognize that raven colored hair from kilometers away.

"Zayn," Harry said in confusion. Niall nodded his head, packing up his notebooks. "What would he know?"

"More than you think peaches. He knows more than anyone else in this school." He shrugged his shoulders as if it were obvious. "But please, if you approach him about Louis, just-" Niall paused trying to find the right way to word what he was thinking, "don't be too blunt about it? He'd kill me for saying this and I know it doesn't show but it's a very sensitive topic for him. Sensitive in many different and weird ways."

"Morning lads," Zayn cheered as he approached the table.

Niall met his gaze and gave him a flatlined smile, standing from his seat and slinging his backpack on his shoulder. "I've got to go. Remember what I said."

"What's up with him?" Zayn questioned, messing Harry's curls when he stood.

"Nothing. Just Niall being little ol' Niall." He straightened out his hair, furrowing his brows in annoyance.

"Right. A strange lad." Harry copied the facial expression Niall gave Zayn, encouraging Zayn to walk with him with the moving of his head towards the school.

"Speaking of strange lads, I've got a few questions for you."

"Are you calling me strange?"

"No, I've got a few questions about a certain strange lad."

"Um, alright, shoot." It was kind of weird to have a kind of normal conversation with Zayn. They usually just talked about sports or drinking or smoking or  _girls_  (Zayn did most of the talking there).

"Well I've asked a few people questions about this person and I was only given limited information and they all pointed me in your direction."

"Are you going to ask the questions?"

"Okay well, um-" Niall said not to be blunt but he didn't know how to word his questions about Louis in a nonchalant manner.

"Today Harry." Zayn rolled his eyes in annoyance. He had the quickest temper than anyone Harry had ever seen, even quicker than Louis. Well technically Louis didn't have a bad temper, his moods just swung like crazy.

"I have a few questions about Louis Tomlinson?" If it's a question would it be considered blunt?

"Ha," Zayn scoffed, "Louis Tomlinson?" Harry nodded his head and bit down on his lip because he knew this was going to be hard. Being somewhat friends with Louis but not being able to defend him properly otherwise he'd get no information out of Zayn. "You're still on that?"

"On what?"

"God, you're so thick." Zayn rolled his eyes again and tightened the grip of his hands on the straps of his backpack. "Why do you want to know about Louis Tomlinson?" You could physically see his features harden and his jaw clench from only saying his name. No one understood why Zayn was this way about Louis because the latter was always a sweet boy who radiated nothing but love who out of nowhere began being crushed by someone who was once his best friend.

"He's peaked my interest. He's quite... anomalous." He heard Louis mumble that word to himself a couple weeks ago and looked it up. "I've asked about him around the school but no one could really answer my questions."

"And you think I can give you answers?" Well he most certainly could. He practically knew that boy inside and out, so deeply that if he wanted to he could commit fraud under Louis' name.

"From what I was told, yes."

"And who told you that?"

"Doesn't matter. So can you answer my questions or am I wasting my time?"

"If you're so interested in Louis then why don't you ask him yourself?"

"I've tried but he doesn't budge."

"Whatever. What's your questions?" There was a nasty feeling in Zayn's stomach that absolutely does not belong there. He shouldn't be hesitant on talking about Louis. "Can't promise I have any answers."

"He's so timid," Harry began, "and he used to be very jumpy, especially at physical contact. Maybe he still is but I haven't seen it in a while and I just wanted to know if I could get a better understanding on why he does that."

Zayn squinted and felt his stomach flip from the distant memories. It was sickening, the whole situation was, but he couldn't let that bother him. "Couldn't tell you." But he could. He knew why Louis never made eye contact or why he squirmed when there was a loud noise or why he doesn't speak to anyone anymore or why his body tensed when people touched him. He knew all to well and he shouldn't feel guilty about it, but he did.

"Oh, well then would you have any information about him begging to be hit? One time-" Zayn's face paled. He didn't know Louis still did that and even though he didn't like that boy he still couldn't help but be upset about it.

Zayn completely zoned out, remembering a time where Louis and Zayn were friends back in secondary school. They were arguing, a really really bad argument that Louis initiated. Louis was going through so much and he was desperate for some kind of reassurance that he wasn't getting from anyone in his life. He was scared and just wanted someone to help him. A little boy who experienced more than he should've. He couldn't remember what exactly the fight was about, but he did remember it was bad, really bad.

They were about eleven, twelve years old in Louis' home. His parents were out and him and Zayn were just hanging out and the next you know they're screaming at each other. Louis noticed the clenching off Zayn's hands and  _begged_  to be hit. That he deserved it and he should just hit him to be punished. He was being a bad boy and bad boys get punished. When Zayn's whole demeanor softened, Louis completely broke down and sprinted up to his room locking himself in there for the rest of the night and Zayn just left. After a few hours he just left, right out of Louis' life. He was supposed to spend the night and he left. And that was the last time they hung out, the last time Zayn spoke to Louis.

"Zayn?" Harry's voice broke him out the dark memory. He was ashamed. He'd never let it show, ever, but he was so ashamed to leave that broken boy who cried in his room for hours on end.

"Y-yeah?" His eyes wandered everywhere but Harry, afraid he was showing more than he wanted. Harry couldn't know he actually felt the slightest bit guilty because what's in the past is in the past and it doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done and he hated Louis, for good reason.

"You alright there mate? You zoned out for a bit."

"Um, yeah. What was the question?" He composed himself way too quickly as if it's something he's trained himself to do for the past few years. As if it was nothing.

"I asked about Louis begging to be hit? If you know anything about that?"

"I don't know." He actually didn't. Zayn never knew why Louis asked to be hit that night but he had strong suspicion that it had to do with Rory. "Must be some weird kink or something. I don't know, he's weird."

"Don't-" Harry took a deep breath and knew if he were to defend Louis he was going to get nowhere with Zayn. In no way was he going to partake in ridiculing him, but if he wanted information about Louis, he had to remember that he couldn't act like his friend. "I don't think it has anything to do with a kink?"

"Don't know what to tell you H." They reached Zayn's class and stopped right at the door.

He didn't want to ask his next question. Well, yes he did. So bad. But Niall said this was a sensitive topic for Zayn for whatever reason but he just  _needed_  to know what happened. "What happened between you and Lou?"

Zayn laughed dryly. "Oh so you've got a nickname for him now?" And Harry blew his cover but to be fair if he were to choose to be friends with either Zayn or Louis there was no doubt in his mind that he'd choose Zayn. Just kidding. It'd definitely be Louis even if they weren't really friends. "You know what I think? I think you should mind your own fucking business Styles." He walked into the room leaving Harry astonished but most of all, confused. But he let it be, he had to, as he walked to the other side of the building to his first lesson.

He saw Louis along the way. They made eye contact and Harry waved with a soft smile that barely showed his dimples but Louis quickly, almost instantaneously, looked away, forcing his head down and pushing himself against the wall. Just like he used to. Now Harry was convinced that nothing had changed. Why would he think it would? Louis' mind has apparently been made up and he's set on being alone for the rest of his life. There was progress and then there wasn't. So maybe Harry should give up. Maybe he should throw the past month and a half away and focus on those who actually wanted to be his friend. He should. Instead of wasting time on a boy who wants to be alone.

But maybe he didn't want to and he still could not understand why.

 

** 11:35 pm **

Lunchtime was Louis' favorite part of the school day because he could finally relax surrounded by nothing but silence. He ate in the library. To some it sounds sad but there were a few people in there as well, those who actually wanted to get their homework done whether it be a day beforehand or a few minutes before lesson started. However, the library was unusually packed today. When he walked in and was met with a bunch of frantic and small teenagers, confusion took over him until he was snapped out his thoughts.

"Are you in Mr. Taylor's class?" the librarian asked softly. She had long dark brown hair with a few greys mixed within them that seemed to go on for ages. She had small oval glasses perched on the middle of her nose in front of sweet hazel eyes and, not gonna lie, she kind of dressed like little house on the prairie.

Louis turned around to look at the librarian and gave her a confused look. He's seen this librarian every day at lunch for the past three years and she asked if he was in that class. If he really that forgettable? "Uh, no I'm not Mrs. Crowley, I'm here for lunch?" he spoke softly approaching the front desk.

"Oh, Louis. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you." She put her pen down and gave him a weak smile. "The library is closed for the next couple days for the freshman English classes." Great. Just great.

"What?" Louis whispered in defeat.

"I know, I'm sorry sweetie, I wish there was something I could do." Mrs. Crowley and Louis had grown close throughout the years. She was one of the select few people Louis would vent his problems to, if he felt like it that is. She always listened and helped him through everything going through his mind, giving him advice and care. There were a couple times where she would see Louis dragging along in the hallway and would call him out of class to have a chat and when he wouldn't talk, she'd send him to the school counselor. Even then he wouldn't talk. He never really liked talking about his problems to anyone if it wasn't on his own terms. "I'm not supposed to do this, but if you don't find somewhere to sit in the cafeteria, you can eat in my office."

Louis sighed and didn't ask her if he could just go there now because she always wanted him to have the opportunity to try to socialize before isolating himself from the world. "Okay." He walked out of the library and towards the dreaded cafeteria. He hates that place. He doesn't remember a time where he actually sat at one of the tables and ate his lunch there. The last time he stepped foot in there, had to be in the beginning of freshman year. But after that he ate his lunch in the library, ever since Zayn basically drove him out of there. And it's crazy how every single year they always had lunch together.

Whenever there would be an event in the library where Louis couldn't stay to spend his lunch period in, he would either go to the bathroom or sit by his locker and eat lunch. He never wanted to go back to the cafeteria. But he didn't want to go to the bathroom, and he didn't want to eat by his locker, and he especially didn't want to eat in the cafeteria. All he wanted was the peace and quiet of the library. But he was now standing in front of the doors to the cafeteria he resented and feared. His whole body was shaking and he felt like he just might pee himself.

"You can do this Louis, you can do it," he tried to give himself a pep talk. His hand trembled as he brought it up to push one of the doors and suddenly his ear drums felt like they were going to burst from how loud the noise was in the cafeteria. This place has got to be at least one hundred decibels. Holy crap.

He squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears with his hands because he wasn't good with loud noises.  And to make matters worse, when he opened his eyes a lot of people had their attention geared to the entrance of the cafeteria, where Louis stood. His eyes started to water as he stepped in trying to find an empty table for him to sit at. As he furthered into the lunch room, with every step he took, he felt like people were snickering about him, a few even giving him weird looks.

He couldn't do this, he really couldn't. He was shaking so bad and he was definitely going to cry if he kept walking through the death trap they called the cafeteria. But when he was scanning the room he saw Harry sitting with 'Zayn and them'. For some reason he got more nervous, but he couldn't help but melt into a puddle of goo when Harry threw his head back cackling while holding his stomach and eyes squeezed shut.

There was a half empty table towards the back on the right side of the room by the trash bin. That was the best he was going to get, so he made his way back there. While he walked, he kept his head down to avoid the looks people were giving him. He sat at the very end of the table to give the other people some space, knowing they'd lash out on him if he were to be any closer. He didn't bring a lunch, he never does, so he just pulled out his textbooks and the apple his mum gave him every morning and started scribbling and nibbling, receiving even more snarky remarks from the people on the other side of the table.

From the opposite side of the lunch room Harry and his friends were joking, laughing and throwing things at each other— the throwing was mainly Zayn and Niall. Monet sat to Harry's left not really talking, just making a few comments as the boys goofed around and occasionally pecked Harry's cheek which the other boys gagged at. The people who sat at the table were from rugby and the cheer squad, so, in a sense, the popular people.

"Niall shut up, you don't get more chicks than me," Zayn defended himself.

Niall scrunched his eyebrows and said, "Yes I do Malik. What about that time at that party where all those girls were-"

"No way," Zayn cut him off, looking passed him.

"How do you not remember-"

"Shhh Niall. Shut the fuck up for once. Look." Zayn pointed across the room and the whole table geared their attention to where he was pointing. "It's Louis fucking Tomlinson." He chuckled followed by a few other players and cheerleaders. The only people who found no humour in it at all were Monet, Niall, and Harry.

"Louis," Harry whispered to himself. His eyebrows were furrowed with sad eyes below them. Louis was walking into the room his body practically caving in on himself. His chin was pressed against the top of the book he clutched onto for dear life and Harry just knew Louis was on the brink of tears.  Harry's actually never seen Louis in the cafeteria before and if he didn't like the attention, why would he come in so late. The fact that Louis might've spotted Harry and didn't sit next to him upset him because he's invited him to the table on multiple occasions but then he remembered the reason he was watching Louis walk through the cafeteria. He got up and started walking towards the other side of the lunch room, avoiding Zayn's commands for him to come back to the table and to leave Louis alone.

"You need to get your boyfriend in check Mo," Zayn said looking back to the table and biting into his sandwich. It was as if this morning never happened. He quickly switched back to normal as if he didn't have the slightest bit of remorse for Louis.

Monet turned back around and stabbed her fork into her salad. "Let him do what he wants, Zayn. He's not hurting anyone." Zayn rolled his eyes, taking another bite from his sandwich.

Harry made it across the cafeteria, sitting across from Louis and this was the most he's ever seen him tense and it made his heart sad. "Hey Greased Lightnin'," he whispered lowering his head to get the boy's attention.

Louis' body relaxed when he heard the nickname. He shook his head, and looked up slightly trying to stifle the laugh he so badly wanted to release. "Oh, error, it's just you."

"I'm never going to outlive that one, am I?" The giggle slipped out and he shook his head. He was now fully making eye contact with Harry and he had to force himself not to smile. He shouldn't be smiling or laughing with Harry, he needed to keep his space or things are going to get much worse. Harry on the other hand didn't fight against his smile but it soon faltered when he scanned Louis' face. "Were you crying?"

Louis furrowed his eyebrows trying to hold back a wave of tears that threatened to spill over. He didn't feel like crying but it always seemed like when someone asks about how you're feeling or if you were crying your body just cries? He looked away and swallowed the thick saliva in his mouth. "Oh, um, no. I was just, you know, anxious and stuff." His hesitant eyes met Harry's again.

"Promise?" Harry asked relaxing his eyebrows. The corners of Louis' mouth twitched up and he nodded his head gaining another smile from Harry. He smiles a lot. "Okay." He looked around the room a bit, avoiding his table on the stage because Zayn was probably sending him death glares. "Why've you been avoiding me these past two days? Leaving without me in the morning and ignoring me in the halls. I even waited for you in third lesson but you didn't show up." He looked back to Louis and was intrigued how he never took his eyes off his homework while he was talking. And he didn't get a response so he tried to get his attention again by tapping on the book and saying, "Louis."

"Hm?" Louis responded.

"Why've you been avoiding me?" Again, he didn't get a response from him. He sighed and slid Louis' textbook towards him earning a glare that was supposed to be threatening but it just made him look cute. "Answer me."

"Answer what?" Harry lifted his brows and tilted his head forward, crossing his arms. "Alright, alright. It's just- I feel like you and I aren't compatible as friends."

"You don't get to decide that."

"Neither do you. I mean, c'mon Harry, who're you kidding? I'm not that great and I suck when it comes to people so maybe it's just not worth it." Louis tried to get his book back but Harry's hands were quick to stop him.

"What happened to trying?" Harry was disappointed, not necessarily with Louis himself but with the way Louis thought. He always doubted everything, himself especially. It was sad and Harry hated it.

"I didn't say I'd try, I said I'd try to try. And this is me trying to try. Doesn't look like much but I'm trying so hard to have this conversation with you because everything inside me wants to tell you to piss off."

"When it gets hard to deal with me can you at least let me know you're going to avoid me?" Louis furrowed his brows and laughed. "I know it sounds weird but at least I know you're okay and I don't have to be worrying about you twenty four seven and I could give you the space you want and need."

Louis smiled and pulled his lip to one side. Harry was way too understanding and accepting and he was such a sucker that Louis couldn't see him troubled over him anymore so he nodded. "Okay."

"So why'd you come in so late? And why you sitting alone?" Harry asked scraping his nail along the pages of the thick textbook.

"Library was closed for freshman English classes," he said looking back down to his notebook and doodling squiggly lines at the top of the page.

"And you're sitting alone because..?"

Louis looked up from the paper saying, "you're here, aren't you?" with a small smile.

"Yeah, now. I meant, why aren't you sitting with your friends? Or why didn't you sit next to me?"

Louis looked at him completely flabbergasted. A fool is what he is. Completely clueless to the obvious. "I don't have any friends, Harry."

"What about me?" Louis looked at him for a few moments with squinted eyes before looking back down at his homework, finishing the maths problem he was working on. Harry was about to say something but the bell beat him to it. He sat there watching Louis slide his textbook back towards him, closing both the notebook and textbook and stuffing them into his bag.

Monet appeared out of nowhere with both of their things. "Hey babe, I brought you your backpack." She handed Harry his items and smiled at Louis who was getting ready to scurry out of there before the doorways got too crowded. "Hey Louis," she cheered. Louis gave her the weakest smile and walked away. "Tough crowd?"

"Of course, it's Louis Tomlinson," Harry sighed, snaking his arm around his girlfriend's waist and walked out the doors of the cafeteria and into the halls of the school.

 

** 3:07 pm **

The school day was finally over and Louis couldn't be more grateful. The day wasn't totally miserable but because of the cafeteria incident, Louis received a few extra blows. But he tried to keep his head up like Harry always encouraged him to do. It was hard but since he was going to be home in less than twenty minutes he couldn't be more ecstatic. The light force of a tug of his backpack sent goosebumps all over his body and he would've tensed up, but he just had a feeling it was a certain curly haired boy because of how gentle it was.

"Howdy neighbour," Harry cheered way too happily.

"Harold," Louis said planting his feet on the ground, crossing his arms, and raising his eyebrows.

"Lewis." Louis rolled his eyes, dropping his arms and popped his hip out. "Care if I join you?"

"Didn't you drive?"

"I did but I let Niall take my car so I could walk with you, if you wouldn't mind of course." They both started to walk towards their houses next to one another with a decent amount of space between the two of them.

"And if I do mind?"

"Then I guess I'll have to stroll on the other side of the road. But I will warn you that if I do have to do that then I'd only yell across the way to have a chat with you and if you don't yell back I will be highly disappointed and cry when I get back to my place."

Louis laughed and shook his head looking down to his feet. "Then I think it'd be best for you to stay on this side."

"As do I Mr. Tomlinson." A few minutes pass and they walked in a comfortable silence the only sounds were the whooshing of cars passing by, leaves rustling in the wind, and the occasional sounds of shoes being dragged across the cement. "How was your day today?" Harry spoke up.

"Was fine," Louis responded surprisingly quick. "Same old, same old."

"Nothing special?"

"Not really." Louis looked up from the ground and into the distance and was faintly able to see his house.

"That's a shame."

"Well maybe there was something." He turned to look up to Harry with a small smile.

"Yeah? And what's that?" Harry asked tucking a curl behind his ear to get a better look at Louis.

"When I was denied access to the library and was forced to sit in the cafeteria someone whom I'm well acquainted with sat with me so I didn't feel so alone."

Harry laughed and shook his head, turning his head so he was looking forward. Louis and his  _well acquainted_ nonsense. "That's nice. This guy, he seems quite kind if he doesn't want you to be alone."

"He can be."

Harry dropped his jaw in shock and snapped his head to Louis. "Can be?"

Louis giggled and nodded his head. "He pushed me one time." A frown replaced the smile when he remembered their 'fight' just a few days ago.

"He didn't mean to. He adores you deeply and would never cause harm to you. I'm sure it was only a heat in the moment thing and he's incredibly sorry."

"Well then I'd accept his apology but only because he made me a flower crown." The smile returned quick, as if it never went away.

"Did you like it?" Louis nodded his head with the widest grin because he absolutely loved it.

"Loved."

"That's nice to know." Louis was smiling and Harry was smiling and the sun was shining and the day was warm and wow everything was  _nice_. "Any other special thing happen?"

"Well I don't think it would be considered special but after lunch people were saying things to me and usually I'd just soak it and sulk all day, but I tried to block it out. It still hurts and the words are still repeating over and over in my mind but I'm trying to not let it bother me because you said to try."

If it wasn't already noticeable, Harry was so so proud of this boy. Louis wasn't the weak pile of waste he thought himself to be. He was a strong and capable person who has gone through hell and back way more times than anyone should. "Technically I wanted you to try for our friendship but I'm just as delighted to hear that you're applying it to other parts in your life."

The small boy nodded, flipping his hair so that it was out of his eyes. "And you? How was your day?"

"Was good as well. Boring for most of the day but it's over now so I'm elated."

"Anything special happen?" Harry smiled when Louis used his words towards him.

"Yes actually, I'm glad you asked kitten. I think I made a new friend today."

"That so?"

"Yeah. He was sitting by himself in the back of the cafeteria and I sat with him and made him smile. That in itself is special." Louis' face flushed a bright red and he tried not to smile. "He absolutely refuses to call me a friend and results to 'well acquainted' but I think he's gonna be one of my best mates in the future."

"Sounds like he thinks you're crazy." Louis' house was only a block away and Harry frowned because he wanted to say and ask much more than what he was able to.

"I think he's crazy too."

"Wha- why?" Louis' voice squeaked.

"Because," Harry laughed, "he's so wrong about himself in every way. He thinks he's worthless, ugly, annoying, boring, and invisible when he's not. He's one of the prettiest people I've ever seen and I would declare that to the whole world. He's the complete opposite of boring. I find myself intrigued more and more everyday that passes. He's so not annoying. If anyone's annoying it's definitely me. And invisible? How could someone be invisible when they're at the forefront of my mind everyday?"

Louis' face tinted pink again and he stopped on the pavement right in front of his home. "Just because someone's doubtful doesn't mean they're crazy."

"They are when they're named Louis Tomlinson because there's absolutely positively completely and utterly nothing to be doubtful about. He can't see it yet but he's beautiful in every way but he'll get there one day."

"I bid you adieu monsieur Harry," Louis said, his cheeks still burning red. He walked towards his house, reaching to the side pocket of his backpack to retrieve his keys.

"Thank you for trying ma poupette," Harry declared, smiling and walking towards his house.

"Thank you for helping me mon bonheur." He whispered the words to himself, afraid Harry would not like Louis' choice of words but it was true. Happiness comes in all different forms and for Louis it was Harry.


	20. maybe things would be easier if louis let his demons overcome him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for all the time changes in this chapter \:

mood: let me be there- olivia newton john  
  


 

** Friday, October 6th 11:47 am **

Louis was eating in his usual spot at the back of the library. And by eating his lunch, he was nibbling on a small spot of the apple his mum gave him before he left that morning. Louis liked using his lunchtime to try to get as much homework done as possible so he can have time for himself at home. He doesn't hang out with people, obviously, but he does hang out with Midnight and that was good enough for him. He scribbled down a bunch of numbers and formulas easing his way through his maths.

"Louis?" Louis thought he recognized the voice but he couldn't exactly pin it to a person, so he didn't look up from his paper. Out of his peripheral he could see the figure sit down across him. Immediately his body tensed and his hand stilled. His body stayed in the same position hoping it wasn't who he thought it was. "Hey Lou, it's just me." The person reached their hand out and touched Louis' hand. He squeezed his eyes shut, not moving an inch. His body was completely frozen and his eyes were beginning to sting. "No, no, it's me, Harry." Harry lightly stroked the back of Louis' hand with the pad of his thumb.

The sound of Harry's name coming from the voice he recognized to be the sweet honey voice of his neighbour calmed Louis a little, but he was still tense. His muscles relaxed just slightly, and he slowly opened his eyes and lifted his head cautiously just to make sure it was indeed Harry. It was. He relaxed at the sight of  the curly lad. When Louis looked down and noticed that they were practically holding hands, he snatched his hand to his chest and gripped it with his other. A few seconds passed and he went back to doing his homework.

"Why're you in here? It's lunchtime." Louis didn't respond and kept doing his homework for a few reasons. One was that Harry could just be such an airhead at times like Louis didn't tell him a couple days ago he ate in the library. But the main reason he kept his mouth shut was to prevent him from crying. He felt like if he opened his mouth all the emotions he tried so badly to suppress and distract himself from would come gushing out. Harry furrowed his brows, eyes darting all over Louis. "Are you mad at me?" Louis shook his head ever so slightly. They had a deal and he didn't want Harry to worry about him. "Why are you ignoring me then?" Louis remained silent once again. His hand stilled and he stared blankly at his paper, fringe covering his face. "Louis." Harry sounded more and more concerned with every word.

"I'm fine," Louis whispered, voice cracking. He tried to go back to doing his homework but his pencil never met the paper and only moved back and forth rapidly, centimeters off the paper. They were coming back. The terrible news and the images flashing through his mind and the dam broke.

"Louis, look at me." Harry reached out for Louis' hand again but Louis retracted both hands into his chest, fisting the pencil. "Look at me." Louis shook his head and kept his face out of sight. Harry got up and sat in the chair left to him, putting his hand under Louis' chin lifting it and turning it to face him. Louis refused to look Harry in the eyes. His eyes were red and puffy, eyelashes wet. He had deep, dark bags under his eyes and they drooped preventing him from opening them all way. He looked sad. He looked exhausted. He looked dead. "Louis," Harry sighed softly bringing his hands to either side of his face, his big hands covering the entirety of Louis' cheeks. "What's wrong kitten?" Harry swiped his thumb over the apple of Louis' cheek, wiping away the tear.

More tears began to fall from Louis' eyes. "My um, my cousin passed." His voice was so quiet it was barely audible and Harry had a struggle trying to put together what was said. He closed his eyes and turned his head out of Harry's hold, not wanting to cry in front of him.

"Louis, I-I'm so sorry. If there's anything I could do." Louis turned away and began to pack his things as quick as he could go but his hands still moved slow.

"It's fine, sorry for creating a scene." Louis stood up with Harry following his actions. "I'm gonna um, I think I'm- I'm uh, I'm gonna-" He kept stumbling over his words, not being able to find the right ones to say and decided to just walk away with tears streaming down his face.

Emily Taylor. His beloved cousin. So many emotions came to Louis when he thought of her but he never thought grief would be one of them. They were as close as can be and she was probably the only person Louis could undeniably rely on. The only person who Louis didn't mind having around whenever  _she_  pleased. The strongest and bravest person he knew who persevered through every single obstacle in her life. The only source he used to find joy in.

But now all he felt was grief.

Last night his mum came into his room with the devastating news that Emily had committed suicide. He immediately broke down into tears and went hysterical. His mum tried to hold him but he'd lash out and scream a mixture of Emily and Rory's name with sentences that we're incomprehensible. In the other room his dad was unashamedly shedding tears for his distraught son. It was a rough night in the Tomlinson household the night before and things may not ever be the same. He was going to skip school this morning because he knew he was going to look like a zombie, but he figured he'd go so he could try to take his mind off his cousin. And it's not like anyone cared for him anyway.

After having time to think, the more and more Emily's death scared him. She was the strongest of the two of them and if her demons conquered her, what would happen to Louis? The unknown of the future was absolutely terrifying and maybe things would be easier if Louis let his demons overcome him. There'd be no more fighting, no more crying or anxiety. There'd be no more anything and maybe that didn't sound too bad to him.

Harry stepped in front of him. His eyebrows were scrunched, and his eyes were glassy, looking like he was going to cry. "Louis-"

"It's fine, Harry, seriously." Louis said trying to walk around him, but Harry grabbed his arm. "Harry, please," Louis whispered.

Harry said nothing, pulling on Louis' arm and bringing him to his chest. He wrapped his arms around Louis' shoulders and held him tightly. Louis was limp in his embrace but wrapped his arms around Harry's waist barely holding on. He dug his face deep into Harry chest and sobbed. Nothing mattered anymore. He didn't care if people laughed or made fun of him. This moment wasn't about him, it was about the death of his cousin and only that mattered. Harry kissed the top of Louis' head and rubbed his back comfortingly.

From the front bookshelves stood Monet. She witnessed it all. Harry told her to meet him in the library for a cheeky little lunch-study date when he saw Louis alone and forgot all about her. That tended to happen a lot. She walked in when Harry got up to sit next to Louis and watched from then on. She's had her suspicions all this time but after witnessing what she did, she knew and she couldn't help but smile.

 

** 12:16 pm **

Louis and Harry walked back to Louis' place in silence, Harry never letting his arm leave Louis' waist while his head leaned against Harry's shoulder. They approached the door and Louis took his key out of his backpack and Harry guided him into the house, sitting him down on the couch. Louis set his bag on the floor and leaned back into the cushions, pulling his feet into his chest resting his chin on his knees. His eyes followed Harry as he sat next to him after shutting the door.

It was quiet ever since they left the school. Not only between the two boys but in the world too, like it was mourning for the loss of a generous soul. Harry watched Louis over, scanning his small body that he somehow managed to look even smaller. He looked over how his hair covered the side of his face, blocking any access to view it, how the soft waves were rugged, yet complemented him so well. Louis stared at the telly straight ahead, his breathing calm. "You want to talk about it?" Harry asked softly. Louis shook his head. "Wanna talk at all?" Louis shrugged his shoulders, tucking his head into his arms, forehead now resting on his knees. "Louis," Harry sighed out.

"Hm," Louis hummed, keeping his body tucked into a ball.

"Talk to me, please," Harry sounded desperate as he tried to reach out to the boy who was far gone into his own world.

Louis turned his head to face Harry, his hair falling over his eyes. He stayed quiet for a few moments just looking into his green eyes. "Why?" he whispered and turned his head back into himself.

"I don't like seeing you like this, love." Harry went to reach his hand out to Louis but decided against it.

Louis was completely disconnected from the conversation. He usually enjoyed being around Harry, though he won't admit it, but he couldn't find it in himself to put the effort into anything right now. "I just want to be alone," Louis whispered into his knees.

"I'm not going to leave you alone when-"

"Please Harry, just go." Louis turned his head to face Harry, pleading for him to drop it and leave. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, glazed over with tears. The tip of his nose was red and he had red spots scattered across his forehead.

"Don't push me away," Harry begged. He reached his hand out to wipe the tear away that slowly made its way down his cheek. Louis turned his head away from Harry's touch. "Louis."

Louis stood from the couch and grabbed his bag. He walked towards the staircase as Harry sat on the couch watching him. "I'm going to my room. You can leave whenever you want," he stated, never once looking back.

Harry grabbed his backpack and walked towards Louis. He grabbed one of the front pockets of his backpack to halt him. Louis didn't turn around; he just stood there with a deadpanned face. Harry walked in front of him, now even taller, his hand brushing against Louis' arm. "Please let me be here for you." Harry kept begging. It was all he could do at this point. Nothing he could say would get through the wall that Louis had rebuilt, the wall that Harry was slowly tearing down.

Louis stayed silent and walked passed Harry, bumping their shoulders against one another. He headed straight to his room and locked the door behind him to keep Harry out. Once he stepped foot into his room he felt all the emotions flood his entire being. He dropped his backpack by the door and slumped his way to bed, plopping on the mattress. He laid there, face in his pillow, hands to his sides, and legs slightly parted. He was silent for a few seconds before he sobbed.

Despite his requests, Harry followed behind him to his room and knocked on his door. "Louis, talk to me." He stood with his palm flat against the wood with his cheek pressed against the door. He wanted a response and searched for the slightest bit of noise. Something, anything was better than nothing. "I'll be right here if you need me kitten." Harry slid down the door and sat with his back pressed against it, crossing his legs and leaning his head back. He pulled out his homework and went to work.

 

** 5:43 pm **

Laura's keys jingled, clinking against one another as they entered the doorknob. Once the door opened she called out to Louis like she always did. Walking into the kitchen, her heels tapping on the tiles as she walked to the sink to put the dishes she put her lunch in. She placed her unopened drinks into the fridge and put away her lunchbox in the pantry. Whipping out her phone, she walked up the steps to change out of her work clothes and into something more comfortable. "Ah," she screamed, "Harry, love, you scared me." She placed her hand over her heart, breathing fast.

He looked up from his homework and gave Laura an apologetic smile. "Sorry for the scare, Mrs. Tomlinson."

"Please, call me Laura." Harry smiled and gave her a small nod. "What're you doing outside Louis' room?" she asked already knowing the reason.

"He locked me out," Harry shrugged. "He's pretty upset about his cousin." Harry said quietly not wanting Louis to hear him mention his cousin, not wanting to make any matters worse.

"You've been sitting out here for two hours?"

"No, five." Laura looked at him in shock. "I brought him home during lunch because he wasn't doing well. He broke down in the library and I thought it was best that he'd go home, sorry for not asking." He gave her an apologetic look after admitting he made her son skip school without permission. "And I didn't want to leave him alone when he's in this state. I tried talking to him, but he shut me out. So, here we are five hours later." Harry smiled through the slight pain he felt in his heart. He didn't understand why Louis wouldn't talk to him. He didn't understand why he completely shut him out despite all the progress they made. Or why he wouldn't even let Harry be there for him. It all saddened him, but he wasn't willing to give up now.

Laura smiled at Harry, thankful that Louis had someone to care for him when they weren't around. "No need to apologize. Thank you for bringing him home and staying with him for the time being. I know this means a lot to Louis, even if he won't say. You mean a lot to him, Harry. Thank you for being his friend, it means a lot not only to Louis but to Charles and me." She was genuinely shocked that Harry stayed for five bloody hours to make sure Louis was doing okay. They've only known each other for a few months and Harry treated him like they've been mates for years and Laura couldn't thank him enough for it.

"I offered him food and drinks but I got no response," Harry frowned. "I think he fell asleep a couple hours ago, haven't heard much movement."

Laura smiled once again, not being able to control it. "Thank you, Harry. I really can't thank you enough."

"No need to thank me Laura, that's what friends do for each other." Harry smiled and turned back to his homework, picking the pencil up and scribbling down equations. Without any help, maths took hours.

"You can head home now if you'd like. He won't be alone now that I'm here." Laura said from her door frame just a few feet away.

"Could I spend the night? I asked my mum and she said if it was okay with you. I hope you don't mind me asking, I just- I don't know. I need to know that he's okay."

"You can stay as long as you'd like Harry. I'll get you some pillows and a blanket for later. I hope you don't mind sleeping on the couch, we don't have a guest bedroom." Laura felt bad for having Harry sleep on the couch, but there was really no other place for him to sleep.

"I want to sleep right here, if that's okay. Just in case." Harry asked her kind of pleading, hoping she wouldn't mind him sleeping in the middle of the walkway. He wanted to be the first to know if there was a problem with Louis, or the first to know if he were to leave his room. He just wanted to make sure he was okay.

"Of course. I'll be right back with your pillow and blankets." She disappeared into her room leaving Harry alone in the hallway doing his homework.

Inside Louis' room laid the boy on his back still over the covers. His hands were to his sides and his legs were in a 'V'. He was awake. He stared at the ceiling soaking it all in. Harry's words were being processed in his brain as he fought against the smile that wanted to make an appearance.

_That's what friends do for each other._

_I need to know that he's okay._

He never would've thought someone would ever feel this way for him. He never thought he would have a friend, yes he might consider Harry a friend. And on top of that, he never would've thought it would be Harry out of all people.

Harry was still there, he stayed out in the hall for five hours. Five freaking hours hoping, waiting for Louis to come out. He waited out there to make sure he was okay. He didn't want to leave him alone because he knew Louis needed someone. He waited out there hoping Louis would open the door and talk to him, let him in. Not into his room particularly, but into his mind, into his soul. He wasn't willing to leave Louis alone, even when his mum was home. He had to see for himself that Louis was okay because hearing it wouldn't be enough. For the second time that night, Louis cried. But this time it wasn't tears of sadness, but tears of gratefulness because maybe Harry was real.

 

** 8:29 pm **

Harry was still sat outside of Louis' door. He finished his homework hours ago and his phone was about to die. Boredom quickly took over him and he just sat with his back against Louis' door peering over the stairs and watching whatever show Louis' dad had screening. It wasn't that bad until he changed it to the nightly news— Harry was surely ready to doze off.

Louis still hasn't come out of his room or made any audible noises since locking himself in there hours ago. In that time, Harry sat there doing nothing. The most interesting that happened in the last few hours was his chat with Louis' mum and it wasn't that exciting. And for Louis' dad, well, he barely acknowledged Harry, maybe a few glances or two but never a "Hi" or "Hey" or "How are you?" and not even a "What are you doing in my house?" It all kind of bothered Harry. The fact that there was a stranger in his household and he never once thought twice about it. Not even when he saw him sitting in front of his distraught son's door. But the sound of the telly shutting off and footsteps nearing closer and closer towards Harry, snapped him out his thoughts.

He directed his eyes down to his lap and brought his hands onto his thighs, fidgeting his fingers. He figured it'd be best to mind his own business and let it go. But his manners got the best of him and when Charles neared him he stood with his hands behind his back and greeted him with a nod. "Hello sir."

When Charles reached the top of the stairs he directed his attention to the left and met gazes with Harry. He gave him a quick scan up and down then looked to the door behind him. "You are?" he asked.

They've never met before. When they came to introduce the family to the neighbours Charles wasn't home. Harry could've met Charles if he were to stay that day he brought Louis home after having his panic attack at school. "Harry." He smiled and stuck his hand out in front of him.

"Short for Harold?" Charles questioned with intense eyes as he took Harry's hand to shake. It was unnecessarily firm and it shook the chub in Harry's cheeks.

Harry couldn't help but to feel a little intimidated. "Um, no, just Harry."

Their grips were released and Charles slowly, with small movements, nodded his head. "Ah," there was a brief pause where he looked Harry over again and then to his belongings and the pillow and blanket that sat on the floor. "The Harry that left that note on the kitchen counter?" Harry smiled and nodded again. "Well, thank you for bringing him home."

"It's no problem. I was going to bring him to mine but I was sure he'd be frantic when he woke in an unfamiliar place."

Charles nodded and pulled his lips to one side. "You should get to going home,  _Harry_." He put emphasis on the name.

He shifted a tad bit uncomfortably. Charles can be really intimidating. "Oh um, Mrs. Tomlinson-" he stopped himself, remembering to call her Laura, "um, Laura. She said she didn't mind me spending the night." There was a quick second where Harry's eyes looked away. "That is, of course, if you don't mind. If it causes any problems I'd surely leave."

"And why's that?" Charles asked crossing his arms and shifting his weight to either side. Harry gave a confused face and tilted his head to the side like a puppy. "Why would you be staying the night?"

"Oh, sorry. Well, Louis isn't doing too well. Wasn't himself today because of his cousin? Just don't want to leave him alone when he's like that."

Charles said nothing for awhile and just looked at him with furrowed brows. He hasn't seen someone or anyone from Louis' school care about him enough to stay hours after and  _want_  to spend the night to make sure he was okay. It was immensely refreshing to know that Harry did. "You're friends?"

Harry's confusion returned. He was confused as to why Charles was never asking how Louis was or is doing. Not even to see if he's okay, just ' _when are you going home'_ or _'you're friends'_. "That's a difficult question," Harry chuckled. His weight shifted from his heels to the tips of his toes, hands still behind his back. "If anything, he's my friend. I'm not too sure if he's fond of me, but he's definitely opening up, if that's anything." Harry smiled wide.

"How's he doing?"

"Not sure if I'm honest. He hasn't said anything to me about it and I haven't heard anything in hours."

"Him and his cousin were very close."

"That's upsetting to hear."

"Why's that?"

"Because," Harry began, "losing someone you're close to is hard. I couldn't imagine losing my sister." Life without Gemma seemed weird and unsettling. Sure they get on each other's nerves, but they completed each other. "And Louis needs somebody. He needs somebody there for him to guide him through all the bad."

"Then you've got big shoes to fill." Harry nodded ready to take the job, but terrified to fail anybody. After a few moments passed, Charles does a deep nod and prepares his body to turn. "Well good night Harry." He walked down the hall to his room.

"You too sir, good night." Harry replied.

He stopped at the door frame, never turning around. "Call me Charles." And with that he disappeared into the room.

"Good night Charles." Harry repeated, correcting himself. He sat down with his back pressed against the door, facing the balcony. Before it died, he sent a quick goodnight text to his mum telling her he loved her and went to sleep.

 

** 2:01 am **

It was late in the night (or early in the morning, whichever you prefer) and Harry was still sound asleep. The house fell completely silent hours ago and it was pitch black all throughout the space besides the lights on the stove and microwave. Louis woke up a few minutes ago and hasn't been able to go back to sleep. He laid spread out like a star on top of his blanket, staring at his ceiling. Nothing was crossing his mind and he wasn't feeling anything, he just stared into the darkness with a blank expression. He swallowed the saliva that was building up in his mouth and winced from the sting from how dry it was.

He rolled out of bed and slumped his way across the floor to get a glass of water. He opened his door and shrieked when he was met with the floor and a throbbing sensation on his forehead from hitting his head on the banister. Bringing his hands up to grip his forehead, he hissed from the pain and squeezed his eyes shut. Harry immediately woke up from the sound and weight of Louis on him. "Oh my god, Lou, are you okay?" He sat up and pulled Louis towards him to get a better look at what happened but it was pitch black.

"Harry, what are you doing here?" his voice was hoarse from how dry it was. Louis curled himself into a ball holding his throbbing head. He didn't want to cry but it hurt so bad.

"Everything alright boys?" Charles' groggy voice sounded from down the hall, his figure not visible.

"Everything's fine," Harry replied. "Louis tripped and hit his head but I'll take care of it from here. You can go back to sleep." He looked back down to Louis, his eyes adjusting to the darkness and slowly beginning to see the outline of Louis' head. "Here, let me bring you back to your bed." He picked him up bridal style and walked into his room, setting him down on his bed. And to his grand surprise not only did Louis let him, but he didn't tense up when he went to pick him up and that made him smile.

"I was getting-"

"I'll get it for you, just lay here, yeah?" Harry switched the lamp that was on Louis' bedside table on and looked at the boy. His facial features were sad but soft and feminine and so so pretty even with the small red bump on his forehead. "I'll get you some ice for your head as well, just give me one second okay?" Louis slightly nodded his head, staring blankly ahead. And with that Harry made his way to the kitchen, the task easier to manage because of the dim light from Louis' room.

He figured Louis was going to get water because of how hoarse his voice was, so he rummaged through the cabinets looking for the cups and, of course, found them on the last try. He filled a glass up with water from the pitcher in the fridge. To his luck, Harry saw a Ziploc bag on the counter and used that to hold the ice. When searching for cups, he opened all of the cabinets and none of them contained medicine and he didn't want to go through the drawers because he felt like he was violating some kind of privacy even though he just went through all the cabinets.

He made his way back to Louis' room and upon entering he said, "I have water and ice, but I couldn't find the-" Harry cut himself off when he saw Louis shaking a bottle of medicine. Harry gave him a small smile and carefully sat on the right side of Louis, setting down the glass on the bedside table. He took the Ziploc bag and placed it on the bump on his forehead. "Are you okay Lou?"

Louis didn't reply and squeezed his eyes when the cold touched his skin. Goosebumps flooded over his body as he shivered from the cold. "Can I have some medicine?" His voice was still a bit hoarse and it sounded so different than the higher pitched voice Harry was used to.

"Yeah, hold this?" Louis reached up to hold the bag of ice while Harry opened the bottle and shook two pills out into the palm of his hand. He grabbed the cup of water and said, "open." Louis furrowed his eyebrows, slightly pouting because he was capable of doing it himself, but did as he was told.

Harry placed the two pills on Louis' tongue and brought the cup up to his mouth. He wrapped his lips around the rim of the cup and watched Harry as he tipped the cup and let some water flood into his mouth. He placed the cup back onto the table as Louis swallowed the pills. His eyes were closed again, and the room was silent. "Thank you," Louis whispered.

Harry's eyes were fixed on Louis, worry all over his face. "Are you okay?" he asked for the third time. Louis, again, didn't respond and just kept his eyes closed and a steady breath. "Please answer me," Harry begged.

Louis shrugged. "'m fine," was all he said.

Harry stayed quiet for a while and let silence fill the room. His eyes never left Louis and he just watched as his stomach would softly rise and fall. His eyes began to prickle with tears and he's just as confused as you are. "Get some rest, love," he whispered, voice cracking. He turned off the lamp and softly got up to go back out into the hall.

As he was about to close the door, he heard a noise from in the room. "Harry?" Louis said it so quiet and if the house wasn't dead silent Harry would've never heard him.

He turned around and heard a click. The light was back on and Louis was sitting on his bed, feet hanging off the side. "Yeah Lou?"

"You can stay in here," he sounded so fragile and scared that Harry's heart shattered. Louis was cradling himself, arms wrapped around his legs. "I-if you don't want to stay out there, that is. You, um, you don't have to i-if you don't want to. I mean, if you feel more comfortable out there-"

"Give me one second," Harry said cutting Louis off with a small smile on his face. Harry grabbed his phone and the items Laura gave him from the hallway and padded his way into Louis' room. He made a makeshift bed from the materials he had and sat next to Louis. Mindlessly, his fingers ran through Louis' hair, massaging the hair at the base of his neck. "Go back to sleep kitten, it's really early." Louis just nodded moving out of Harry's touch and made himself comfortable in his bed with his back towards Harry. He was so grateful that Harry didn't try to sleep in his bed and immediately knew to sleep on the floor. Yeah, he did feel bad for it but he was glad Harry didn't seem to mind all that much.

Harry turned off the lamp and got under the blanket facing the bed. "I'm right here if you need anything." He reached his hand up so that it was resting by the edge of the mattress. "Good night Louis."


	21. without emily, is there even a reason to fight anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry late christmas! i hope your days went well. just a forewarning: i wrote this chapter between the hours of 2-5 am in an extremely fatigued state with only having edited once so i hope as you read it isn't completely unbearable.

mood: gone too soon- simple plan  
  


 

 

** Saturday, October 7th 7:15 am **

Five hours later Louis' alarm went off, muffled from being under his pillow, but the vibrations against his head woke him up and though the noise was quiet, it caused a pounding sensation in his head. He shut off the alarm but stayed in bed with his eyes squeezed closed, snuggling closer into his mattress and pulling his comforter tighter around his body trying to relax. But when he tried to pull his comforter up and over his head, he yanked something with him and immediately freaked out. A groan and some shuffling was heard behind him and he turned around to see that his hand was intertwined with Harry's. As if it was the quickest thing he's ever done, Louis cautiously snatched his hand back careful not to wake Harry up.

He continued to lay in his bed for a few more minutes trying not to cry. He wasn't feeling an overwhelming amount of sadness, it was just Harry. It's always Harry. The things he did always had to do with Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. But this? This couldn't happen again and he hoped to god that Harry was never conscious when Louis was holding his hand. He didn't know why or how or when he held his hand but it wasn't good and there needed to be punishments. Reinforcements to ensure that Louis would never do it again.

So he rolled out of bed and headed to the shower making sure to stop by the drawer in his desk that he visited more often than he should. His room was dark, but he had no trouble maneuvering through it. He hopped into the shower bringing the small piece of metal with him— it hurt less in the shower. It barely hurt when he did it any other time because of he was just that numb but the shower made it easier because the skin was slick and tender, easy for the blade to slide across. And there was no extra time needed to clean up. After finishing up his 'punishment' and rinsing himself off, Louis headed to his wardrobe to put on his usual, sweatpants with a t-shirt and a zip hoodie, it was the weekend after all.

As he walked out his wardrobe, the sight of a human sprawled out on his floor made him jump back. It was only a few minutes but he forgot that Harry was physically in his room. The rays from the sun rising began to peak through the blinds, giving the room some sort of light. He hesitated before walking over to the boy stretched over his floor, squatting down to be able to reach him. One of Harry's legs was sticking straight out and the other was slightly bent towards the other. He laid on his stomach with his head facing away from Louis' bed. His long curls were straggled all over the pillow with both hands now placed under it. The blanket was scrunched up to the backs of his knees and went up just below his armpits.

As Louis knelt down to his knees and sat on his feet, he stared at the boy for a few seconds more, admiring the effortless beauty that was Harry Styles. No he doesn't want to like Harry, especially as much as he already does, but no one could deny just how beautiful he was. But he quickly snapped out of it and nudged him awake before Harry would wake up and see Louis staring at him.

"Harry?" Louis whispered. His hand rested on his shin as he shook him a little harder. "Harry wake up." Louis shook him a little more before Harry stirred awake.

He took a deep breath in and turned his head into the pillow as he shifted his legs and body. He groaned softly and croaked, "What time is it?"

Louis' eyes searched for the clock on his wall. "Seven forty-three," he recited softly but loud enough for Harry to hear. The house wasn't silent anymore. The sounds of Louis' mum making breakfast and his dad getting ready for work in the room next door (his only off day was Sunday and an occasional Saturday).

"Louis?" Harry questioned, jolting his head out of the pillow, but not enough to see Louis.

"That's me," he chuckled softly to himself.

After another deep inhale Harry said, "Too early. Come cuddle with me." He patted the space next to him and lifted his arm up for Louis to lay under.

Louis' face flushed bright red as he grew uncomfortable, not knowing what to do. As tempting as that sounded he's never done that before? And he was sure Harry was only messing around so he tried not to put too much thought into it. His feet shifted under his bum and he twiddled with his fingers. "Harry," he sighed in confusion.

Harry dropped his arm onto the floor with a thud. "Fine," he sighed into the pillow. "I'm always up for a cuddle so whenever you're up for it, let me know." Harry's face was now out of the pillow with a big smile. Louis' heart fluttered just a little bit and he looked back down to his hands, not being able to stop the smile from appearing. "How're you feeling?"

"'m fine, head hurts a bit though." Louis reached up to his forehead and rubbed it softly, never meeting eyes with Harry.

"Yeah?" Louis nodded. "Come cuddle then, it'll get rid of the bad, bad headache you have." Harry spoke in a low, yet childish voice. He reached forward, brushing his fingertips on Louis' knee causing a swarm of butterflies to flood his stomach. There was just something about the way that Harry touched him that he's never felt before. It was so gentle and full of caution and care and it felt so nice.

He stuck his arms out for Louis again, but he just shook his head. "Harry, no," Louis softly giggled, finally meeting eyes with the tall boy. Harry was smiling too— of course.

"Fine," he sighed in defeat. "At least take some of these." Harry sat himself up and reached onto the bedside table to grab the bottle of pain relievers. Louis watched as he shook two pills into his hand and grabbed the glass of water from a couple of hours ago. "Here." Harry handed Louis the pills and water.

He swallowed the pills down and wiped the dripping water from his mouth with the sleeve of his sweater. "Thank you." Harry nodded and took the glass from Louis to place back onto the small table. It was quiet for a few moments before Louis spoke again. "You should get going to, you know, get ready for whatever plans you had today."

"Trying to get rid of me Tomlinson?" Harry smirked, leaning back on his elbows.

Louis was now sitting crisscrossed with his hands in his lap. "No, I was just- you know, don't want you to be late for anything. Well, if you were going to-"

"I'm just joking kitten," Harry chuckled softly. He sat back up and reached his hand out to move Louis' fringe out of his eyes. "You're cute when you're flustered." Louis blushed a deep red and shook his head ever so slightly, keeping his head down. "Louis?" Harry's hand brushed the side of Louis' face as he slowly brought his head up a bit. He looked through his eyelashes and Harry smiled, shaking his head. "More." Louis brought his head all the way up but looked everywhere that wasn't Harry. "Look at me Louis." He complied and met gazes. Harry smiled once again before saying, "You're beautiful, Louis. Stop saying that you're not because it's going to make me sad." He gave Louis a fake frown, causing the corners of his mouth to quirk up, but not enough for Harry to notice.

"You don't deserve to be sad," he whispered looking back to his lap.

"Neither do you kitten. Don't look down on yourself. One day you'll see the beauty I see in you." Harry was smiling and watched Louis play with his fingers. Something didn't feel right. His smile faltered and he furrowed his eyebrows sensing some sort of darkness in the air. It was beyond just the death of Louis' cousin, it felt heavy and Louis seemed off and something just wasn't right but he couldn't pinpoint what it was. There was something about the way he was sitting that didn't look natural but he shook it off thinking he was being ridiculous. "How're you feeling?"

Louis looked up with confusion because Harry just gave him pills for his headache. "My head's feeling better?"

"Not your head, Lou." Concern was plastered on his face because he truly didn't know what was going on in that injured head of his.

Louis continued to look at him in confusion until it clicked— the whole reason why his head was hurting in the first place. The whole reason why he got up to get a drink of water. The whole reason why his throat was dry and hoarse. "Oh," he whispered to himself. "I'm uh, I'm okay. 'm doing better." He gave Harry a small constant nod while he spoke as if he was trying to convince himself of the lies he was telling. He wasn't okay and he could feel the darkness creep up on him as the seconds ticked by.

"Wanna talk about it? I'm a fantastic listener." Louis shrugged his shoulders and looked up with a half smile. He didn't want to decline the offer since he promised Harry he'd try (whatever that meant). So he shrugged, putting it out there that he may want to talk about it but is slightly uncomfortable doing so at the moment. "Well you let me know when you want to. I don't want to push you if you're not comfortable." He smiled to lighten the mood, his fingers wiggling to get a hold of Louis'. "And it's still fresh so I understand if you don't."

"It's not that I don't want to, 'm just not used to people wanting hear what I have to say."

"Take your time love, we're in no rush." Harry smiled, letting go of Louis' fingers and shifted so his chin was resting on his knee, hugging his bent leg while the other leg was bent laying on the floor. "Can I give you a hug?"

"Louis," a female voice could be heard yelling from downstairs, interrupting their conversation at the perfect time.

Louis stood up and looked down at Harry until he stood. He stuck his thumb out pointing towards the door. "I have to um-"

"Yeah," Harry interrupted. Louis just gave him one solid nod and walked towards the door.

He turned around to see Harry beginning to fold the blankets. "I can clean that up later. You don't have to worry about it."

"You sure? I have no problem folding them." Louis only nodded his head and Harry dropped the blanket and walked out the door.

Harry waited for Louis to walk in front of him, guiding him through the house. "Hey bub, where's-"

"Good morning Laura, how're you on this fine morning?" Harry spoke, appearing from behind the wall, staying behind Louis.

"All is well. I hope your sleep wasn't too rough."

"I slept fine, there's no need to worry."

"Come join us for breakfast, I'm sure Louis wouldn't mind." She had the best intentions but Louis knew this was her way of trying to get him to eat something.

His body language visibly grew uncomfortable and Harry noticed it so he said, "I was just on my way out, thanks for the offer though." He gave her a smile and gently elbowed Louis to get him to walk him out the door.

He walked Harry out, standing in the doorframe and looking at the ground. Talking wasn't a strongpoint for him, especially when his mind was as jumbled as it was, but he needed to strengthen those skills. It didn't matter if he didn't talk to people at school, he still needed to learn how to socialize because there's life beyond high school. That life including a job where he'd need to be able to speak to people without any problems. And he wanted to talk to Harry about it but he was petrified on what he would think of the situation.

"Lou?" Harry asked when he turned around.

Louis looked up with a fake smile. "Hm?"

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah," Louis rushed. Again, communicating wasn't his forte and it's taking him a lot right now to not just completely combust because he was afraid to ask his question.

"Okay." Harry smiled and quickly thumbed the apple of Louis' cheek. "I'll see you Monday then." Butterflies swarmed inside Louis' stomach when Harry leaned down to kiss the top of his head. He waved his goodbyes and began to walk towards his house.

There was so much more that Louis wanted to say but none of the words came out and he felt like crying. He just watched Harry walk away with a heavy weight in his chest. It wasn't until he couldn't see him anymore that the tears fell and he didn't know why he was crying but he was and it didn't stop until Laura came out to bring Louis back into the house.

 

** 12:47 pm **

Louis just arrived at the hospital, ready for what was to come. Sometimes when he'd visit he'd have monthly check-ins for his health— physically and a brief mentally. The hospital did it for free since he'd sometimes volunteer to help with the children or the elderly move places or bring them food. So when he walked in, the receptionist cheerily greeted him with the most ridiculous smile, Louis thought, and was escorted to a tiny room that felt tinier than it usually did.

As he waited for the doctor to come in the walls began to cave in and the room was spinning. His breathing picked up and he didn't know why he was feeling this way, like the world was falling apart. And it wasn't until an oh so familiar voice that sounded through the room that almost broke him out of some sort of trance he was stuck in.

"Louis? Is everything alright?" the voice asked. He's heard that voice before and he tried to move to look at the person coming into the room, but his body was frozen in the sitting position he was in. He couldn't even move his eyes and he started to freak out even more. This had never happened before and he couldn't understand why it was happening now but it was terrifying. "Breathe Louis, you need to breathe." The person neared him and put their hand on his back, only making matters worse.

His breathing was erratic and his heart was beating so fast it was sure to beat right through his chest. He was still crying but his eyes were squeezed shut and his hands were clenched impossibly tight, his nails piercing through his palms. Maybe it would've hurt if wasn't already numb. "Stop," Louis' voice trembled and it was so weak it barely came out as a whisper.

"You're okay Louis, no one's going to hurt you. We're here to take care of you." The doctor that was supposed to do monthly checkups on Louis tried to comfort him but nothing was working. Louis was mentally checked out and it seemed like nothing could bring him back. It was sad. He wasn't even trying to fight back. He was stuck in a dangerous and frightening time he put himself in and yet he wasn't fighting back. There was no energy left in him to fight. Without Emily, is there even a reason to fight anymore?

Many doctors came into help assist in bringing Louis back to reality, trying everything in the book but nothing was working. It wasn't until they brought Louis' grandad in that he was finally able to break him out the place he imagined himself to be in. "I'm so sorry to bring you all the way over here William," the doctor apologized. "We didn't know what else to do." Louis was sat on the bed with the annoying crunchy paper barely listening in on the conversation, totally spaced out.

William looked back to his grandson with furrowed brows. "No, it's alright," William responded. "He's been through a lot and recent events are only worsening it it seems." The doctor simply nodded and did a brief check up on his health, skipping the mental status because there was no way he was going to be able to reach him.

His grandad escorted him to the C-wing on the opposite side of the building. When they walked into room 103C, Louis was warmly welcomed— well in a way. "My grandson, always causing trouble," Rose, Louis' nan, chimed.

"Hey nan," Louis glumly replied.

"Why the long face?"

"Emily, she uh, she-" he choked on his words, not able to finish the sentence. It was strange to him that he barely felt anything yesterday but now it was all hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"She passed, Rose," Louis' grandad finished for him.

Louis weeped at the sound of Emily's disappearance from the world. Right when William said those words, Rose knew how she left. When Louis was a little boy he'd always talk about his cousin and as the years went by those conversations turned into something more serious and concerning so it came to no shock that this conversation was happening.

"Oh Lou," she sighed reaching her arms out for Louis and he just laid down to cry on her shoulder. "Bubba, don't cry. She's free now, isn't that all you've wanted?"

It took Louis a while to compose himself enough to muster up a coherent response. "I didn't think freedom meant death."

Rose furrowed her brows and tightened her grip on her grandson. Today was supposed to be a happy day— she was going to tell Louis that treatment was going well but now, even though she's overcome a huge obstacle, the fragile mental and emotional state Louis was in was more important. Nothing was more important to her than the happiness of her grandson.

 

** 4:54 pm **

Hours later and Louis was being driven home by his grandad. The time spent in the hospital with his grandparents could've been better but it also could've been worse. After the first hour of Louis weeping in his nan's arms, he was able to calm down and occasionally partake in conversation. But he mainly listened to his grandparents talk and laugh and joke around with each other. It only saddened him more.

He was never going to find his soulmate, he was never going to have fun with someone who loved being by his side day in and day out, he was never going to be happy. Emily was gone and people at school hate him. Life was just not on his side and it only tempted Louis even more, craving the easy way out. Nothing was going right but then again when does it ever?

This was bound to happen. The universe was against Louis having the slightest bit of joy. Anything he found to distract himself from the reality of his life he knew would be ripped away from him. Bliss was never a guarantee and he shouldn't have expected to have it for long. Emily was gone. That was it. The only person to ever understand what Louis went through. The only person who helped him through everything as a young boy. The last bit of strength he had was gone and he didn't know how to cope.

No one cared, no one understood. No one cared to understand and Louis would have to accept the fact that this was just the way his life would have to be: pure anguish.

But then there was Harry. The light at the end of the tunnel, a ray of sunshine shining through the thick, dark clouds on a gloomy day. Like a knight in shining armour he was a distraction. But nothing, absolutely nothing could distract from the poignancy in his life. And Harry was only temporary, Louis knew that. Despite everything he said, Louis knew it wasn't going to last. As recent events show nothing good ever does.

After a long, silent and awkward car ride home, Louis thanked his grandad for bringing him home and slumped his way into the house. He just wanted this day to be over or maybe it was his life, he couldn't decide which one would be better.

"Lou," a hesitant and deep voice sounded once he stepped into the house.

"What?" Louis responded with his head dropping low and his voice so so hollow. He knew who it was and he rolled his eyes. He never could get a break could he?

"Just wanted to make sure you were doing alright." The voice was getting closer and Louis squeezed his eyes shut. He just wanted to disappear.

"'m fine."

"You know you can talk to me whenever, right? I know our relationship hasn't always been the best but I'm here for you. You don't have to be alone in this."

Louis' blood began to boil. "I don't have to be alone?" he scoffed, finally looking up to his dad. "What about when I was a little boy? What about when I'd come crying to you every single night? What about then huh?"

"Louis-"

"I was alone.  _You_  left me alone." He spoke through his teeth as tears streamed down his face and fists clenched at his sides. "I didn't need you then and I don't need you now,  _Charles_." The name tasted vile coming out his mouth. He stormed up to his room, not letting his dad respond, mumbling things under his breath. He slammed the door behind him and sobbed once it was closed, sliding down the wood.

He cried for what seemed like forever until he literally had no tears left to cry. He didn't know it was possible, but he came to a point where he couldn't cry anymore. His eyelids burned and tingled with every blink, his face was covered with small red dots, and he was so clogged up it was hard to breathe. Leaning his head against the door, Louis opened his eyes and quickly scanned the room before staring out his window. In his peripheral he saw an object on his bed that didn't belong there.

His brows furrowed when he saw a bouquet of flowers laying on top of his comforter. He walked towards his bed still as equally confused but when he saw a small white piece of paper he knew who it was from. Sitting on his bed Louis grabbed the note to read. It was safely encased by an envelope with  _Bub xx_  written in the center. His face flushed from Harry using the nickname only his face used as he carefully opened the envelope, reading the slightly lengthy note.

_Louis,_

_Honestly bub is such a cute nickname for you. You're such a bub, how adorable. Anyway, I came by earlier and your mum said you were out and if I'm going to be honest I was slightly worried for you but I was assured you were safe. I know that this is so much for you, so I'll not be persistent and annoying as I usually am. I'll understand if you wanted keep your distance and I'll surely give that to you, just let me know, please? I'm not really sure what I can do for you but I do want you to know that when everything starts to get heavy and the world comes crashing in, the best way to be able to breathe again is let it all out. And when you want to be able to breathe again I'll always be available for you. You know, letting it all out might make you feel better, but you of course don't have to do that until you're ready if you ever will be. I really do feel helpless because all I want to do is to cheer you up and help you through this but I don't know how to do that. So I bought these flowers for you. Yeah it's cliche but I just don't want you to forget about those who care about you. It's easy to feel like you're alone during these times but you're not. I individually picked these flowers specifically for you so I hope you enjoy them. Maybe you can make a flower crown out of it and wear it one day. And maybe you could show me how beautiful you look in your beautiful creation. Well, I'm running out of things to say so before this card gets stupid I'll end it here. If you ever want to talk about anything at all, I live across the way. I'm here for you._

_Yours Truly,_   
_Harry xx_

Louis smiled, he finally smiled after hours of frowning. He grabbed the bouquet and examined them closely with a sad smile on his lips. But the world stopped when he saw the rose. It was just a rose but it was so much more to Louis. It was Harry. No matter where he went he literally couldn't escape that pesky boy with curly hair and emerald eyes. He separated the rose from the rest of the bouquet, placing the cellophane wrapped flowers back on his mattress.

Harry was there. Harry always seemed to be there.

The rose was free of its thorns which is just a precautionary for one's safety but is also heavily symbolic in itself. And to Louis a thornless rose was Harry. He didn't have those sharp and scary mechanisms to him. He was the pretty, sweet, lovely flower. A rose without its thorns was like someone letting their defenses down. The scary defense for the delicate flower is gone and now the rose is vulnerable and susceptible to harm. Harry always put himself out there for Louis, willing to take any consequence that came with it. He constantly showed his vulnerable side so Louis would feel more comfortable showing his.

A thornless red rose, which was clasped between Louis' fingers also meant love at first sight, like insisting that love is pure and that, in the end, love conquers all and is worth everything. And in one way or another that's what Harry wanted. He wanted Louis to know that love is greater than any form of sadness this world withholds. From the day he met Louis that's all he ever wanted and neither boy knew why. And from that day something that Harry constantly stressed was that love will always win, no matter what situation you're in.

Even though Emily was gone, what she left in the world on her behalf is the love she gave and received.


	22. if you have to think about the answer doesn't that reveal how you really feel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of y’all have been waiting for this moment

mood: say you do- tei shi

 

 

** Tuesday October 9th, 7:03 am**

Harry was hopeful. He didn't see Louis yesterday in the morning or at school and it worried him deeply. He may not know the relationship Louis had with his cousin, but he just knew it affected him greatly. Charles told him they were close and he could only imagine the bond they had. It wasn't a hidden fact that Louis didn't like the company of others andthat he pushed everyone away, so when Charles told him that he was close to the cousin who had passed it shattered him completely not only because it's devastating to lose someone you're close to but because that was probably the only person Louis was close to— the only person he'd confide in when he was feeling up for it. And now he was alone. Well, not necessarily; Harry wanted to be there for him but it didn't seem like Louis wanted that.

As he promised, Harry wasn't being as annoying as he usually was and he was dying. He so badly wanted to stay with Louis on Saturday and visit him Sunday and talk to him on Monday when he didn't see him at school but he let it be. Yes, it was hard but he couldn't keep suffocating Louis with his presence if he wanted him to breathe. So for the past couple of days he bit his tongue and stayed away— he didn't even leave any notes for Louis so it was a huge accomplishment.

So when he was ready to go to school this morning he was surprised but so so exultant to see Louis. Despite him dragging his feet with his head hanging low, it was nice to finally see him after days of him being invisible. Harry felt like they time traveled back to the beginning of the school year. But they hadn't and Harry wasn't going to let their progress slip back to that. Maybe heading across the street to be with Louis wasn't the best idea but he did it anyway because Louis was sad and that in itself is unacceptable.

"Hey Lou," Harry greeted hesitantly.

"Hi," Louis mumbled with a quick sniffle following after. Harry resisted the overwhelming feeling to hug and comfort him because he wanted to give him space to breathe.

"Didn't see you yesterday." Louis just shrugged his shoulders, making no effort to have a conversation. "Was worried about you."

Louis paused in his tracks keeping his head down. He wanted to hide away, crawl under a rock and never show his face again because this was embarrassing. He was still crying and upset about his cousin and Harry must think he's being ridiculous. Turning to face Harry, he slowly lifted his head up and once he caught a glimpse of Louis' face he split into two. His eyes were glassy and swollen, burning red. There were deep bags under his eyes and his eyes were droopy.

"Louis," Harry gasped as he reached forward to cup Louis' cheek but he stepped back and diverted his eyes to the pavement under his feet. Screw letting Louis have space, he simply could not bear the thought of letting him be alone. This boy was hurting so bad and Harry not being allowed to try to make him smile was infuriating. "Please don't push me away. Let me be here for you."

"I can't do this right now or maybe ever, I don't know. I just-" he paused to give himself time to think and calm his breathing. He was an emotional wreck and he didn't want to cry over a stupid boy who he was barely friends with. "I can't put effort into anything right now. This is really hard for me and I think it's best if we just went our separate ways."

Harry knew it was the right thing to do— to give Louis the space he wanted but he didn't want that space to be forever. "For how long?" Harry asked with so much disappointment in his voice.

"Indefinitely," Louis replied as he looked back up with tear filled eyes.

"No, you can't. Please? I'll give you the space you need but I don't want that to be forever."

"I'm not cut out for this, Harry. I can't keep up."

"Then I'll slow down. Don't jeopardize a good thing because you're afraid I'm going to leave too. Because I'm not."

"I need my space," Louis whispered, turning his head away with his body following after and soon he was gone. He left Harry all alone to watch him miserably carry on with his life without him.

And Harry didn't chase after him, he stayed a block or so behind for the rest of the walk to school, watching Louis drag along and hearing soft sniffles. And when they arrived at school he headed straight to his friends, waiting until right before the bell rang to get some things from his locker.

"What's got you down?" Monet asked when Harry plopped down next to her. He leaned his head against her shoulder and sighed heavily.

"Louis. He's just-" he cut himself off to groan and turn his head further into Monet's shoulder. "He's going through some stuff right now and he won't let me be there for him and it's really angering me."

"Didn't you offer him space though?" She rested her head on top of her boyfriend's and her hand rubbed at the small of his back.

"Yeah but I didn't think it'd be forever."

"Wait, what?" She pulled away to look Harry in the eyes.

"We talked for like two minutes this morning and when we were talking about having space he said 'indefinitely'."

"Indefinitely doesn't necessarily mean forever, H. He just doesn't know when he's going to feel better."

"But this is Louis. It means forever." Yes he was acting like a pouting, spoiled child who threw a fit when they didn't get their way, but he really wanted to be Louis' friend. He's made that clear to him and they've come so far from the beginning of the year and now it all seemed like it was for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing. Sure, he'll give Louis the space he wanted but if after a week and a half of them not speaking, he was going to march right up to Louis' front door and take care of him.

"What about me and you have a little get together today, maybe cheer you up some."

"And do what?"

"I don't know, we could go to dinner? On me." It was a long while thinking but Monet knew what she had to do. Her intentions were to cheer Harry up but she might end up doing the opposite. But who knows? Maybe it would cheer him up.

"Fine, but only because you're paying. Otherwise I'm not in the mood to sugarcoat my disappointment."

"A scoundrel," Monet teased as she packed her things before the bell rang.

"Hey, you offered," Harry laughed.

 

** 8:17 pm**

The rest of the school day wasn't so bad. He eventually felt better towards midday but it was still in the back of his mind. He took routes to avoid seeing Louis whether that meant leaving early to take an unnecessarily long way (just so the chance of seeing Louis were close to none) or way too late to make sure he wasn't a bother. And just to ensure he wouldn't see Louis, Harry would either be occupied in the corridors by talking to someone else or he'd walk with his head down.

Dinner was nice. They went to some semi-fancy Italian restaurant where it was fancy enough where you had to dress nice but not so fancy that the prices were sky high. They spent about an hour and a half eating and chatting about nonsense and it was a good way to end his night— a simple way to help cheer him up. This time around he paid for himself since Monet is sure to go broke soon for how many times she offered to pay for the both of them.

After dinner the pair decided that the night was still young and they weren't ready to go their separate ways. So Monet drove them down to the pier to walk along the beach to talk and watch the sunset. The couple were laying back on their elbows next to one another and looking out at the sunsetting sky in silence. The horizon was absolutely breathtaking; the sky was filled with big, fluffy clouds not only reflecting but shining the blazing orange rays off and through them.

"Harry?" Monet asked softly, turning her head to look at his profile. He hummed, rotating his head to look at his girlfriend and smiled. His hair was tied back into a bun and Monet absolutely loved that look on him. "Can I ask you a question?" Harry nodded. "Do you love me?" He scrunched his eyebrows and looked at Monet with a puzzled and confused look on his face. They've only been dating for what? A month and a half? Two months? Isn't it too early to even mention the L word? "I don't expect you to say yes and I won't get mad if you say no. I know it's still early for me to ask this, but can you please answer it for me."

Harry sat up completely, shifting his body so that he was facing Monet, contemplating his answer. Of course he liked her and he did have love for her, but did he love her? Like love love her? "Well, I mean, I do like you, like a lot," Harry chuckled. "But do I love you? That's uh, wow." He breathed out heavily rubbing his hands over his face.

"I don't want you to stress out over this answer, just be honest. That's all I want." She gave him a small smile as she sat up, never looking away.

"Do you love me?" Harry looked back at her, his eyebrows still furrowed, and his eyes were soft. He didn't want to say the wrong thing, but at the same time he didn't want to lie. Don't get him wrong, Monet is a beautiful, wonderful, amazing girl and anyone would be lucky to have her. But if he's honest, right here right now, he wasn't sure that he did love her. At least not in that way that she was insinuating. He's never actually thought about it to be honest and he's never really put thought into taking a step further with Monet.

Monet pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. She shook her head and said, "No." During her pause, Harry raised his eyebrows as well. "Like I said, I think it's too early to say we love each other. But can I see myself loving you in the future? Abso-fucking-lutely. You are hands down the best guy I've met and probably the best I will ever meet." Harry's face tinted pink and he had a shy smile on his face. He was usually the one giving out compliments, not receiving them. (That's a complete lie because girls through themselves at him and compliment him all the time. It's just that the only compliments that matter to him are the ones from people close to him). "You're an amazing guy and you've only lived here for three months and you're already doing amazing things. You're one of a kind, Harry." She grabbed his hands into hers. "So do I love you right now? I'd say no. But can I see myself loving you in the future? One hundred percent yes. The only question is, do you?"

Harry sat in shock, genuine shock. No girl had ever straightforwardly admitted their feelings to him like that and he was left speechless. He just stared blankly back at her for a few seconds before thinking hard about his answer. If you have to think about the answer doesn't that reveal how you really feel? "Monet," he sighed, looking her in the eye, their green irises clashing. "You are hands down the loveliest girl I have ever met. You're so genuine, and loving, and so so caring. You've showed me that it's possible to be best friends with your girlfriend." Harry chuckled gaining a smile from Monet. "And this date, it was very thoughtful of you to want to cheer me up and it's greatly appreciated— bringing me out here to clear my mind while watching the beautiful sunset and all. But," he took a long pause causing Monet to bite down on her bottom lip. A deep sigh escaped his nose, getting frustrated from being stuck between not knowing what to say and not wanting to hurt her feelings. But she sat there patiently waiting for him to continue, rubbing her thumb along the back of his hand for comfort. "I love you, I do, there's no denying that. However, I just don't think it's a relationship type of love? And, um, no, I don't think I can see myself loving you in the future." Monet let out a soft chuckle followed by a small smile as she looked down to her lap, shaking her head. "It has nothing to do with you, it's just- I don't know. I'm so sorry Monet."

He genuinely felt bad. They had such a good time today and he didn't want to ruin it but he knew it would hurt her more if he lied. "Harry," she sighed, keeping her head down. She whipped her head up with a smile on her face and lifted her hand to brush her fingers across his cheek. "It's okay H, don't feel bad." Harry wrapped his arms around her shoulders and brought her in for a tight hug to which she loosely wrapped her arms around his waist and giggled. "I know you'd never hurt me, and I don't want you to think I'm hurt. I love you, you're my best friend. Nothing will change that."

"Thank you for not getting upset. I feel incredibly terrible."

She wiggled her way out of his embrace, her hands still lingering on his sides. "It's alright Harry, really. There's no point in continuing something if it's not going anywhere. Besides, your heart belongs to someone else." Monet stood up and Harry watched her very confused.

"What?"

She smirked, ignoring his question and sticking her hand out to pull him up. "C'mon, it's getting dark and your mum is going to be worried sick if I don't get you home quick."

He took her hand to help himself up, dusting off his pants. The night was approaching fast and during their walk back to Monet's car, they used the flashlight on their phones to guide their way through the approaching darkness. It was quiet halfway through the walk until Harry said, "So what are we then?" He blinded her with the flashlight on his phone, flashing it in her eyes. He found it hilarious, but Monet slapped his phone out of his hands making it fall to the ground. Now that, she found funny.

Harry picked up his phone and faced it ahead of himself. "Uh, I think that means we're broken up," she giggled looking up to Harry.

"Friends?"

Monet nodded her head. "Best friends."

 

**8:46 pm**

They've been driving for a few minutes with the radio playing softly and the wind blowing through their hair. Monet had a blue jeep with the removable doors and roof. Since it was getting colder, she put the doors back on but the roof was still off. It was now completely dark out and the road they were driving on had no street lamps. Harry bobbed his head and softly sang along to She's Always a Woman by Billy Joel with Monet. "Can we talk about something?" Monet asked breaking the silence.

Harry continued to sing until the chorus was over and looked to her before saying, "What is it?"

For a quick second Monet took her eyes off the road to look at her now ex-boyfriend before quickly returning them. "Louis."

Despite her not being able to see him, confusion was plastered on his face. "Okay?" he extended the vowels to further express his confusion. "What about him?"

"Tell me about him."

Without hesitation the words began to flow out his mouth. "Well, I don't know much about him but," he looked out the windshield with the widest smile, "that brings me to my first statement, he's stubborn. No matter how hard I try to get him to trust me or reinforce that I care for him he just doesn't budge. Sometimes he would let me in the tiniest bit but then when something would happen, he pushes me back so much more. It's like one step forward and two steps back with him, but I guess it could be worse. At least he's not ignoring me anymore." He stopped for a couple seconds to gather the few things he knew about his neighbour. "He's a total nerd. He loves books and maths and stuff like that. He helps me with my maths sometimes because I'm shit at it and he's just so smart. He also has a beautiful voice, singing I mean. Shawty got pipes but he doesn't see it and that's pretty sad because his voice should be the eighth wonder of the world."

"He still sings?" Monet asked with curiosity. She remembered when they were in primary school and Louis would always want to be the lead in every single play they did. He loved to sing and dance and goof around during rehearsals.

"Not sure, but if you're asking if he's still got it, I'd say most definitely. We were watching a movie and he sang a long to one of the songs and dear god it was like a trip to heaven."

"He used to do loads of plays, in and out of school productions. Always wanted to be the lead even if he didn't like the play."

"Yeah?" Harry looked at her with an expression that so full fond, wishing that he was able to watch Louis be this person— the one who sings and dance and laughs and talks.

Monet nodded her head, stealing a quick glance at Harry. "Yeah, he loved the attention. Don't get me wrong, off the stage he stayed away from attention at all times but when it was showtime he wanted all eyes to be on him." The time they did Peter/Wendy popped in her head and she couldn't help but smile. Louis was the best Peter Pan Wendy could've asked for (she happened to be Wendy). It was quite an elaborate play for small children but they were a talented bunch.

"I can see that. A total theatre geek."

"So what else about him?"

"What's got you so interested, hm?"

"Well I'm just wondering since you spend a lot of time chasing after him when all he does is push you away." She paused for a moment, bringing the car to a halt at the red light. "I'm not discouraging you, I just want to know what's got you so captured that you keep going back for more.

"Hm."

"And if I'm honest, maybe my interest in him has peaked, as bad as it sounds. We were never really friends but the way you talk about him makes him seem amazing."

"It's not my explaining that makes him seem amazing, he's just amazing. I just say it how it is."

"Alright, tell me more then."

"Sure but- don't take him from me. He'd probably like you more and I'd be really sad if I'm replaced easily." Monet laughed, shaking her head edging Harry to continue. "He uh, he's quite audacious? Brash? Cheeky? Very lippy."

"Lippy?" Monet interrupted him laughing.

"Yeah," Harry laughed looking out the window. "He's got a lot of opinions and he doesn't care what you think of them, well, most of the time." Talking about Louis always came at ease for Harry. He loved it. He loved talking about him because everyone should know about him because he's just so so great. Monet stayed quiet, letting him ramble on and on about the tiny boy. "He's so damn sassy it's quite endearing honestly." The pair remained quiet for a bit, giving Harry time to think of more things to say. "He gets sad and discouraged easily and he doesn't believe in himself or in the things he's capable of and it makes me sad, you know? I just- I want him to feel good and for him to be happy and comfortable in his own skin."

"I get it, but H you have to understand that that's hard to achieve, not just for Louis but if it were anyone. It's been implemented in his brain, he's believed things about him to be true when they're not, twisting things that people say to justify his beliefs. It's not easy and it's not going to be. He's so deep into a hole he's dug himself in that he can't even see the light at the top."

"Yeah, I get that. My mum told me the same thing but- I don't know. Obviously whenever he's down I want to make him feel better because no one likes to see people sad, but like I feel like I need to." He looked back at Monet with furrowed brows, thinking of how he felt for Louis. "Like um, like there's something inside of me that feels compelled to always help him and I don't quite understand it."

"Maybe you don't have to," Monet commented. "Maybe this was all set out for you, like it was planned and you don't have to think about the things you do for Louis. Maybe you were made to be the person he depends on and to help him be not so sad."

He'd never thought of it that way and probably never would've if it wasn't for Monet. But what's the possibility that that's true? And Harry wasn't even sure if he believed in destiny and having your life planned out for you but the more he thought about it it makes sense. Everything with Louis seemed so effortless even when he was chasing after him. He didn't have to think about wanting to make Louis smile or to be his friend, he just did. "But he's not always sad," Harry accidentally raised his voice. "I know that's all he seems to look like when he's at school, but when you get to know him he's actually pretty cool. And he's funny— he's got jokes and he's witty." He looked over at Monet again. "He's just like us."

By the time Harry finished babbling about Louis, they pulled up to his house. Monet put the car in park and looked over to the passenger seat. "You're quite fond of him, aren't you?" The features of both their faces could be made out from the orange tinge of a streetlamp and there was a small sparkle in Harry's eyes.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that." He shrugged his shoulders, turning his head to look at his house. "I just think he's really interesting, maybe even more than I would have because people have pushed him to the side. Which is a shame because he's wonderful." He looked back at her with a smile on his face and gleaming eyes. And that's exactly what she was looking for; something she's never seen in someone before.

"So I've been told," she whispered. She tilted her head towards the head rest and reached over to cup Harry's face, tucking a stray curl that was too short to stay up in his bun before stroking her thumb along the apple of his cheek. It was a shame that Harry's heart never belonged to her but she knew he was better off without her. Not in a sad way, but that way he had time to think and figure himself out and who was she to hold him back from that? "Knowing someone like you exists is so comforting." She paused a few seconds to scan over his face, studying his features for the last time. "I love you," she said quietly.

"I love you too," Harry smiled. "Can I kiss you one last time?"

He leaned in to kiss her but was met with a finger to his lips. "Gross."

Harry rolled his eyes and opened the car door. "Bye Mo, thank you for today. I do feel a lot better." He placed one last peck on her forehead before stepping out the car and heading towards his house.

"Don't forget to tell Louis you're back before going inside," she shouted before the curly haired boy got too far. Harry turned around with flushed cheeks and Monet flashed a smile and winked before pulling away into the night. He didn't know she knew he did that every time he came back from a time out.

He looked up at Louis' house to see that all the lights were off, which didn't come to a surprise to Harry. He spent the night there before and he witnessed the house stilling before ten. He also took Louis as someone who would want to go to sleep early to get a good night's rest or just because his internal clock shuts down at that time. Nonetheless, Harry walked across the street, stopping at the curb of Louis' property. "I'm home now. Sweet dreams kitten, I'll see you tomorrow." And with that he made his way back over to his house.

The lamp in Louis' room clicked on, dimly illuminating his room. Harry's back was facing Louis' house, so he wasn't able to see him standing at his window to make sure he made it safely into his house. Yes he talked about needing and wanting his space to heal but that's doesn't mean he stopped caring for Harry. And he knew he was trying so hard and the least he could do was to allow him the assurance that he was okay.

Before Harry opened the door, he turned around and saw Louis' silhouette in the window, watching him and he couldn't help but smile. Louis cared. He was just having a hard time. He's been alone for a long time and the thought of someone being there for him is new. He's not used to that idea yet and that's fine. Harry knew that everything would be okay because even when Louis was upset and lost, he wanted to make sure he was safe. Harry waved to the boy in his room across the street and received a small, short wave back before both boys disappeared into their houses.

Everything was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m a slut for long haired harry, sue me.


	23. that's what PTSD is- our body's overreaction to a small response

mood: i don't wanna be sad- simple plan & amsterdam- coldplay  
  


 

** Saturday October 13th, 5:37 pm **

It's been a while since he felt this way. It came as a shock and it hit so hard. Images, flashbacks, pain, physical pain, that he couldn't seem to get rid of. After all these years they were all still so fresh and detailed he felt physically sick. Louis didn't know they went away (all thanks to Harry) but in all honesty he wished they never did because maybe the pain he was in now wouldn't be so bad.

He used to have episodes like this all the time where he'd be frozen and stuck in a time where life was just bad. When they'd come back, it didn't matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't go away until he'd fallen asleep and even then he couldn't escape because he'd have nightmares. The images were vivid, too vivid, and the pain was strong. Louis got too emotionally connected to these memories, he spaces out and doesn't realize he cries or contorts or sometimes even scream.

Sometimes he could feel their eyes burning into his flesh and their dry, cracked hands all over his body. He'd hear those repulsive whispers in his ear, giving him goosebumps over every inch of his figure. He still remembered the sound of the belt cracking against his skin and the taste of blood in his mouth from him coughing it up. The sensation of the skin on his back being ripped as nails dragged down the length of it was still fresh. The pain and soreness he'd feel when it was all over still hurt like it just happened yesterday. Along with the taunting voices of his classmates poking fun at him and pushing him around.

Louis didn't think so negatively everyday. In fact, as of late, he'd been keeping his self deprecating thoughts to a minimum but today was just the day everything came flooding back. The moment he woke up the first thing he saw was Rory and ever since then he'd been stuck in this place in his mind that no longer existed but his perception of what's real and what's not was hazy.

There was a unit in psychology one where the class learned that in really traumatic situations the brain either goes through an emotional shutdown, fight or flight, or connection: the polyvagal theory. When you're in a constant dangerous environment your nervous system is going to find it hard to detect safety and your body will always be in defensive mode. Your body will have a lower threshold to react so while being in that state you're going to misread other people's cues hence why Louis isolated himself when he found himself in these situations if he's somewhere that allows it.

Our primal desire to stay alive is more important to our body than our ability to think about staying alive and that's where polyvagal theory comes in. It links the autonomic nervous system to social behavior and emphasizes the importance of the physiological state in behavioral problems and psychiatric disorders— it explains the three different parts of our nervous system and how they respond to stressful situations.

The nervous system is always operating, controlling our body's involuntary functions so we can think about other things like what to eat, what to wear, or the new cute boy across the street for some. But the entire nervous system works alongside the brain and could possibly take over our emotional experience even if we don't want it to.

The three parts of the nervous system that this theory covers are fight or flight, connection, and shutdown. Fight or flight is the sympathetic part of your nervous system that's reacts immediately to stress. It's there as a response to a dangerous situation where we believe we can still survive and choose to either fight it or runaway. Connection is simply your everyday life, meaning you're connected to the world around you and are able to interact with other humans. So your body and emotions feel normal and you're able to carry on with your day without a problem. Shutdown is a part of the parasympathetic nervous system that keeps us frozen to help us survive to either fight or flight again. When the sympathetic nervous system goes through overdrive and you still can't escape the situation you're in, the parasympathetic nervous system takes control. Think of it like someone passing out due to high stress— it gives the body time to recover.

That was what Louis experienced the most: shutdown. But he never seemed to escape it, like he never experienced the fight or flight after. He'd feel the disconnection from the world, numbness throughout his body, a sense of feeling trapped, and often times dissociated but he would never do the fighting or flighting on his own— someone else always came in for that. He'd space out, feel limp in his limbs, and sometimes feel like he could throw up. His breathing became restricted and he'd have a hard time feeling pain. Often times Louis would have difficulty getting his words out and have trouble thinking clearly and he'd either collapse or curl up in a ball, but he never seemed to come to that part where the body wanted to deal with the problem head on.

He didn't want to think Emily's death is what caused all of those things to come back but he knew it was. She was the safety in his life, the person who kept him grounded and somewhat stable. Even if they didn't talk all that often, just knowing she was alive and persevering through it all gave him the strength to want to do so as well. But with her gone it was like nothing mattered anymore. His energy had been drained more and more as the week went by. He hadn't even left his room since he got back home from school the day before. When he woke up the next morning all the energy completely disappeared from his body and he couldn't move anything. The only time he got out of bed was five hours after waking up to brush his teeth and use the bathroom. Other than that he laid on his bed staring into nothing with tears streaming down his face without being aware of it. Despite being so connected to Emily, Louis never thought he'd be effected so bad.

The way we respond to things is all in our perception of the event. Emily's passing was registered as trauma for Louis and because of that his body shifted into shutdown mode. Without his cousin there to protect him, his mind perceived the situation as life threatening. Her death only reminded him of all the bad that happened to the both of them.

When someone had been through such a traumatic event that their body is able to fall into a shutdown response, any event that reminds the person of that occurrence could trigger them into disconnection or dissociation again. That's what PTSD is— our body's overreaction to a small response causing them to be stuck in fight and flight or shutdown. The problem occurs when the original trauma hadn't been processed in such a way that it had been resolved. Louis had been through so much in his life, most of which he wouldn't wish on his worst enemies, that had never been confronted or dealt with directly. He always pushed it to the side because he didn't want to dwell on it.

Louis used to live in a state of disconnection for days or even months at a time when he was in secondary school and even throughout high school. He'd be completely disassociated from life to rid the pain that constantly played in his mind and heart. Sometimes he'd experience active avoidance where he'd purposefully avoid thinking about or feeling things, but disassociation isn't something you think about doing and most of the time someone who's experiencing disassociation won't even know they're going through it until someone else points it out. Like Louis. He didn't know he disassociated when there was a loud bang or a hand brushing across his body.

Disassociating is a coping mechanism to escape feeling helpless, fear, or pain. It can help people get to the end of their traumatic experience and often times it develops into a pattern. Like the time Louis blacked out when that boy was too close to him and touching all over his body. Or that time where him and Harry were arguing and he begged to be hit. Or when he lashed out on Harry thinking he was Rory. But disassociation isn't always a good thing. Frequent disassociation can interfere with getting over fears or trauma because you're not dealing with the problem, rather running from it because the pain is too much.

All day today Louis was in a state of disassociation. Everything from his past came flooding back and the only way he could rid the pain was not feel it at all. Sure he could've gone to sleep but then his pain is experienced through nightmares. Since eight o' clock that morning he felt absolutely nothing, just staring out into space until his mum knocked on his door around three to check in on him, bringing him back to reality. The past two hours he'd been crying and thinking of Emily and Rory and Zayn and everybody who caused him pain. It was all too much that he simply could not take it anymore.

He thought about that beloved baby blue box in his dresser that was screaming his name. But surprisingly he didn't fall into the trap. Instead, he found himself walking down the stairs and passed the kitchen.

"Oh, hi bub," Laura chirped at the sight of her son finally leaving his room. "Feeling better?" Louis ignored her as he headed straight to the door. "Where're you going?"

"Harry's," Louis murmured while whipping the door open. The sky was grey and rain was pouring down, the low rumble of thunder created small vibrations on the walls.

"It's raining out, you can't go over there. You're going to get sick."

"I have to."

"You don't even have shoes on." She went to stop her son but Louis turned around very annoyed.

"Stop ma," Louis gritted through his teeth with tears swelling in his eyes. "Now's not the time. I'll see you later." He walked out the door, not caring to close it and headed straight to Harry's house. His feet splashed on the cold, wet pavement and within seconds he was soaked but he didn't care. He just wanted to see Harry. He just wanted to feel something again. He just wanted to smile and laugh and feel like he was worth something again and Harry was the only answer because he only felt that with Harry.

There was a different but familiar car at the curb of Harry's house but Louis didn't think much of it. When he finally crossed the road, he knocked on the door hoping that they weren't having a family dinner or had company over because then he'd only look like a fool. After waiting more than enough time he knocked again and waited for a response. There was shuffling heard from inside and soon enough warm lights flashed over Louis' face.

"Louis?" Harry asked in shock but mostly concern. Louis' eyes were a deep red and incredibly puffy, not to mention him being soaked. He didn't get a response, instead he was attacked in a tight hug. It took him by surprise, causing him to stumble a bit before being able to return the embrace. Harry dropped his head to be able to whisper into Louis' ear. "What's wrong kitten?" Again, Louis didn't say anything, only tightened his grip around Harry's shoulders.

From inside the home, Niall watched from the couch with a sad smile on his face because although it was upsetting to see him sad, he was glad Louis finally had someone to care for him— to do something he was too afraid to do. He never hated Louis and he never participated in any events that involved crucifying him. They only had a falling out in secondary school when Zayn gave him an ultimatum, which was dumb and childish but he gave in. He always had a soft spot for the small boy and he wished he could've been there for him throughout the years instead of being afraid to defy the orders of Zayn.

Quietly, he grabbed his jacket and slipped his shoes on to give these two boys privacy to deal with whatever was going on with Louis. "Hey, H," Niall said softly, putting his hand at the small of Harry's back. He looked over at him with Louis still in his arms. "I'm gonna head out." Harry nodded, knowing why he was going to leave and was very thankful he didn't have to ask. "Feel better Lou." His hand patted Louis' shoulder making him tense and squeeze Harry even tighter.

"It's okay Lou, he won't hurt you," Harry tried to calm Louis down by rubbing the small of his back. Niall mouthed a 'sorry' towards Harry to which he mouthed back 'it's fine'. "You're going to be okay kitten." Once Niall made it to his car and pulled away he struggled to separate himself from Louis but he eventually did and held him steady. "You're shaking, love. Come inside." He guided Louis into the house and to the stairs that were right in front the door. "Let's get you out these clothes. Don't want you to get sick."

_Let's get you out these clothes._

Harry's intentions were nothing but pure but all he heard was Rory and it made his body still and for his eyes to squeeze shut and his muscles to tense. "Lou?" No response. Instead of risking his chances, he kept his hands to himself and quickly retrieved some clothes for Louis to change into. He didn't want to leave the boy alone but he also didn't want him to get sick.

On his way back down, his mum popped out her room to ask, "what's going on?"

"Oh, um, Louis' here."

"How come?" Harry expressed Louis' stubbornness to his mum several times so when he said that Louis was in the house it seemed strange.

"Not sure, he hasn't said a word. He's frozen still right now so I took this time to get him clothes before trying to help him." He walked by Millie and stopped at the top of the stairs. "Actually mum, could you help me? You know more about this than I do and I don't want to screw things up more than I already have."

"Of course son." She smiled and followed him down the stairs to see Louis now curled up in a ball and pressed against the wall. "What happened?" she asked with furrowed brows as she carefully approached the fragile boy.

"Don't know. I invited him in and everything was fine. Then I said I didn't want him to get sick so I'll give him clothes."

"How'd you say it?" Millie asked Harry before saying, "Hi Louis, I'm Millie, Harry's mum. Do you remember me?" to Louis.

"Um, lets get you out these clothes? I don't want you to get sick?"

She nodded, now being able to understand the situation better. Everything clicked and she knew exactly what to do. "Stay over there and keep your movements to a minimum, okay?" Harry nodded and stayed behind carefully watching what his mum did for future references. "Louis, I'm going to need you to take some deep breaths for me, can you do that?" His breathing remained erratic, but Millie's voice was slowly processing in his brain. "Come on Louis, take deep breaths." He attempted to calm down his breathing but nothing worked. All he could see and hear and  _feel_  was Rory. "You're doing good. It's only a flashback, love, it's not real."

Harry watched as she continued to help Louis out of the flashback he was in. She continued to encourage him to take deep breaths and kept reinforcing that it was only a flashback and he wasn't in that time he imagined himself to be in. Then once Louis was beginning to come back, Millie asked for him to describe his surroundings to distract him from the flashback. Harry took note of how his mum kept her distance and didn't crowd or touch Louis and how she stayed in view and spoke softly and calmly so that she wouldn't startle him at all.

After a few minutes of working, Louis finally came back but was very out of it and could barely carry himself. "Get him out of those clothes and let him rest," Millie instructed her son. "He's very drained right now so don't try to press for anything. Respect his state of mind and have him get some rest."

Harry nodded and carefully approached the two of them to help Louis up. "C'mon Lou," he said, wrapping Louis' arm around his shoulders to help lift him up, guiding him to the upstairs bathroom. "Here are the clothes. The boxers are clean and brand new, my nan got them for me for Christmas but they were the wrong size so I hope they fit." Louis tried his best to muster up a giggle as he hobbled into the bathroom, taking the clothes from Harry. "I'll be right out here if you need me, okay?"

Louis nodded and stepped into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. It took around seven minutes for Louis to come back out fully dressed in the clothes and Harry tried not to completely melt because Louis looked nice in baggy clothes, or was it because it was his clothes? The collar of the shirt dipped passed his collarbones and his legs were washed away in the sweatpants.

"C'mon, I'll take you to my room." Harry guided Louis down the hall and to his bedroom. "It's not much, but I hope you don't mind the bareness." Louis took in his surroundings and though the walls were bare and the decor came to a minimum it felt homey. "Let me take these from you and you can lay down on the bed." He lead the small boy to his bed and helped him under the covers. "Get some rest kitten." Harry brushed Louis' fringe away from his forehead and placed a kiss on the center before getting up to put the wet clothes in the dryer.

"Harry?" Louis' voice was groggy and hoarse but very soft.

"Yeah Lou?" Harry turned around with a smile on his face. It was the first thing Louis said to him since he got there and even though it was scratchy, he was glad they were talking.

"Can you stay with me? I don't want to be alone."

"Of course, let me just throw these in the dryer real quick." Harry rushed to the laundry room down the hall, throwing the clothes in the dryer and started the machine, making it back to the room in no time. "What do you want me to do?"

"Just sit next to me. I need to know you're here so I don't freak out."

Harry sat next to Louis, pulling his head into his lap. "Is this okay?" It shouldn't have been okay. Louis should've tensed up and freaked out but he didn't because Harry's touches were soft and gentle and caring; they weren't rough and selfish like Rory's. He nodded, moving his head away from Harry's crotch and leaning into Harry's hand that ran through his hair. "Go to sleep sweet," was the last thing Louis heard before drifting off to sleep.  
  


** 8:49 pm **

A few hours later and Louis was still asleep in Harry's bed. When he completely dozed off, Harry waited a few minutes more before carefully removing himself and replacing the empty space with a pillow. Since then, he took this time to do his English and Maths homework and in between the two he had a quick phone call with Niall. He called checking in on Louis to see if he was doing alright and what happened. Harry assured him that Louis was doing alright and that he didn't know what was going on but suspected it had to do with a recent family occurrence.

His room is slightly more decorated than what it was when he first moved in. He now has brown desk next to the table next to his bed and a guitar on it's stand on the opposite side of the room from his bed. A huge yellow tapestry with a white sunflower in the center of it hung on the wall next to his bed to cover all of his writings and drawings. And the vase that held the rose Louis gave him was in the middle of his dresser along with the few notes he received.

Louis shifted into the mattress, tightening his grip around the pillow in his arms. His movements weren't loud enough for Harry to hear over his 'hard concentration'. "Harry?" Louis' sleepy voice was soft yet raspy.

Harry thought he was hearing things because it was so soft but when he looked over to his bed he saw Louis moving around. "Lou? Over here," Harry said from his desk at an equally soft tone to not startle him in any way.

He turned around so that he was now looking at Harry and smiled. Louis truly looked like a little kitten when he first woke up. He looked incredibly cuddly and just so adorable. All the lights were shut off besides the lamp that was on his desk and the warm light illuminating his skin looked just right. Not to mention the glasses perched on his nose. "You wear glasses?"

"Oh," Harry said bringing his hand to his face and blushed? "Uh, yeah, sometimes." While observing his neighbour, Harry began to chuckle at the way Louis' hair dried while he was asleep.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Your hair's looking crazy."

"Oh god!" Louis giggled, pulling the covers over his head to cover the mess on top his head.

"Hey, don't do that." Harry got up from his desk and sat next to Louis, pulling down the covers. "I never said it looked bad."

"You said it looks crazy. How's that supposed to be good?"

"You look adorable sugar." Louis turned his head into the pillow but peered through his thick lashes to look at Harry and he smiled back at him. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Louis whispered while clearing his view, pulling his lip to the side.

"Why'd you come over? Not that I mind or anything, because I don't," Harry rushed to make sure Louis didn't take it the wrong way. "You've just never really willingly came to me for anything so I just wanna know what changed."

"Don't know if I'm honest." Louis propped himself up on his elbow so he didn't have to extend his head to look at Harry. "I didn't even think about coming here, my feet just mindlessly carried me across the street."

"With no socks or shoes or jacket in the cold rain. You could've gotten sick love. What if I wasn't home?"

"I-I don't know." Louis' breathing started to pick up and he became more frantic, feeling like he was being punished. "I wasn't thinking! I'm sorry, it just happened."

"Hey, it's alright. I'm not upset Lou, I'm just worried about you." He tried to comfort the small boy by combing his fingers past the side of his head, keeping his palm by his ear and using his long fingers to massage the nape of his neck. "I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

"I'm sorry." Louis mindlessly leaned into Harry's touch for more comfort.

"Don't apologize. I'm sorry for raising my voice. Didn't mean to get you riled up." Louis pulled his lip to one side, his eyes scanning over Harry's features. His beautiful emerald eyes and plump pink lips and full cheeks that held those irresistible dimples.

"Harry," a voice called him from downstairs.

"I'll be right back." He smiled before getting up and walking towards the door.

For a few seconds Louis watched him walk away, adoring the way he carried himself. "Harry?" Louis spoke up before he got too far, sitting himself up on the mattress and having his back rest against the tapestry.

Harry turned around. "Yes?" He took steps closer to Louis so that he could keep his voice at a low volume.

"Do you um, do you think we could talk?" He looked down at his fingers and twiddled with them.

"Course, what about?"

"About uh, about my cousin."

"Oh Lou," Harry sighed stepping closer to the fragile boy. "Only tell me when you're comfortable and ready. I don't want you to feel pressured."

"I-I'm not comfortable and I'm not ready but I think-"

"Kitten, no." Harry sat back down on the bed, tucking a wave behind Louis' ear. "Don't push yourself too far. It's alright, we have time."

"N-no. Look, I um, I'm not ready, yeah? But y-you said that I might feel better releasing everything, like a weight off my shoulders. And I want to try, I do." They sat looking at each other for a few seconds. "I don't want to feel like this anymore Harry." Louis' voice came out much softer than what it was before. "I don't think I can carry on mourning the death of my cousin any longer."

"It's only been a week, you need time to mourn."

"I can't. I feel like if I spend one more day like this I'm going to lose myself even more than I already have. I can feel myself slipping away and I'm not ready for it." He was slipping away and fast. Him and Emily didn't see each other often but just knowing she was alive and doing great things in the world kept him going. But now that she's gone it's like he lost the last thing that kept him together and he's been falling apart for the past week. And as much as he didn't want to live anymore he had hope for the future. Because there was Harry, implementing the stupidest and most outrageous and ridiculous tidbits in his life whether it be one of those stupid jokes of his or even just hearing his breathing made him smile. Harry was the constant reminder of hope.

"Y-yeah. Of course sugar. Let me just see what my mum wants and have a wee because I've got to go real bad." Louis chuckled along with Harry, nodding as approval. He stood up from the bed and headed back towards the door. "It'll only be a few minutes." Louis smiled and nodded with a half smile on his face. "I'll even bring you a blanket because I can see you're still a bit cold and maybe an apple. You seem to like those." Harry recalled the few times he'd seen Louis nibble on an apple during lunch.

"Okay," Louis whispered. Harry disappeared down the hall shutting the door behind him, leaving Louis alone. He took this time to examine the contents of Harry's room. There wasn't much to look at, but it was nice nonetheless. He got up from the bed and started walking around the perimeter of the room starting by the desk and working his way around.

As he passed the desk, Louis saw Harry's Maths homework spread all over the top and laughed. It was standard maths for students in their last year but he took that course his first year. Harry was only a few problems in and Louis wondered how long he'd been working on it because he could already see that one of them was wrong. Before continuing his tour, Louis quickly fixed the problem that was wrong and then made his way to the corner with the guitar.

Guitars always fascinated Louis. It was just something about having to reposition your fingers within less of a second before you strum again. Playing required great skill and maximum speed and that he found pretty cool. He brushed his fingers across the strings as he walked to the bay window. It was decorated with a thin grey fleece blanket and a white throw pillow— nothing too special but Louis imagined having one in his room and sitting there on stormy nights and have the thunder be an accompaniment to his thoughts. Continuing the tour, of course Louis stopped by the bookshelf that was full books that he knew were just to fill up space because  _Of Mice and Men_  was one of the books and Harry's told him he'd never read it.

The only thing he had left to observe was the dresser and what immediately caught his attention was a wrinkly, deep red (almost black) rose that was holding on to the last bits of its life. The closer he got the better he could see all the letters and envelopes that he wrote Harry surrounding the small vase. The door swung open and Louis could see someone walk in through his peripheral, but he was too focused on that dying rose.

"Lou?" Harry asked when he didn't see his neighbour on his bed.

"You kept the rose?" Louis questioned gearing his attention to the curly-haired boy who had his hands full.

"Um, yeah?" Harry walked over to his bed to put the items down on the bedside table. "What was I supposed to do, let it die?" He walked over to Louis and hung a white, fuzzy blanket over his shoulders.

"I don't know." Louis shrugged, tightening the blanket around his body because he really was cold. "Didn't think it was that worth keeping."

"So if I gave you a rose, would you let it die or let it grow?"

"I mean, it's not going to grow anymore, but I'd prolong its life."

"Then why's it so different with me?" Harry nodded his head towards the bed and walked in that direction to get Louis back under the covers.

"Don't know. I don't think it's you, I just think it's me. Like I could see you being such a sap and collecting ticket stubs from first dates and what not." Harry smiled and tilted his head to the side, nodding because, yeah, he was a sap. "But I just wouldn't think that anyone would want to keep anything I gave them."

"Well for me it's a reminder of hope and patience. I'm not going to lie, there were many times where I wanted to give up on you because you were just so-"

"Annoying? Difficult?" Louis interrupted.

"Stubborn," Harry corrected. "You're such a lovely person and I know that now, but in the beginning you gave me nothing and it was hard. But there was something telling me to never give up and I'm glad I didn't." Harry smiled, looking Louis in his eye.

"I was right." Louis started shaking his head with raised brows. "You are a sap." Harry laughed and lightly hit Louis on his arm. "But, I guess I'm glad you never gave up. You've gotten me to do things I haven't done in a long time. So thanks, I guess."

"Sappy Louis is still kind of... nonchalant." Louis rolled his eyes and wrapped the blanket Harry gave him tighter around his body. "Oh, here." Harry reached behind him and grabbed the two items he placed there earlier. "Here's the apple that I promised along with some hot cocoa because you're cold and all."

Louis took the apple and rubbed his finger along it to make sure it was washed— it's just a thing he did. "A kind gesture, but I'm not a huge fan of hot cocoa. I have to be in a mood for it." He took a small bite out the apple.

"And you're not in the mood for it now?" Louis shook his head which made Harry sigh. "Fine." He put the mug back on the table and just watched Louis nibble away on the apple. "So?"

"So."

"Did you still want to talk? It's okay if you don't. We could talk about something else? Or we could call it a night. Whatever you want."

It was Louis' turn to sigh heavily. He looked down to his lap and picked at the apple. "I think I have to."

"You don't have to do anything."

"No Harry, I do. If I don't, I just might drive myself insane and I feel like if I don't, I'm going to go back to how I was in the beginning of the school year and I don't want to be like that." That statement warmed Harry's heart and he couldn't help but smile. Louis' taken notice of his accomplishments and progress and  _wants_  to get better. He doesn't want to mope around and be sad anymore. He wasn't taking Harry's kindness for granted and he was willing to try. Even now, he was willing to open up to Harry about something so personal and that alone was a huge step— probably the biggest he'd ever done. "Am I foolish for wanting to trust you?" His voice was so soft and insecure as if he was ashamed of wanting to trust Harry.

"N-no. I don't think so at least. I'm a very loyal person. I want to be your friend, I think that's pretty clear."

"Yeah but-" Louis looked down to his lap poking his nail into the apple.

"Look, if you don't trust me that's fine. I understand. It takes time to build trust and I'm willing to wait until you fully trust me. I don't want you to feel forced."

"Her name was Emily." His voice was so soft it was barely audible but thankfully it was quiet in the house. "Is Emily. Her name  _is_  Emily. Emily Taylor."

Harry heard the way he struggled to get that first sentence out, there was no way he was going to be able to pull through all of it. "Lou-"

"She's amazing. I might be biased but she has loads of friends and a bubbly personality." He smiled and looked up to Harry as he reminisced. "She kind of reminds me of you. You both have green eyes and she has dimples just like you." He poked Harry's cheek in the same place the dimples would be. "A-and she has long wavy hair that's the same color as mine and we look a lot alike."

"She must've been beautiful then."

"She is." He looked back down to his lap, setting the apple down and played with his fingers knowing he was going to have to talk about it sooner rather than later. "We've had a similar past. We uh-"

"Hey," Harry said softly, lifting Louis' chin with a single finger and giving him a warm smile. "It's okay if you're not ready. You don't have to get into it."

He nodded and continued his story. "We went through scary things as kids, pretty traumatic events, and she was the only person who understood and would listen. The only person who  _got_  me." Harry took hold of the small boy's hand to help comfort him a bit more, giving it a squeeze. Louis weakly smiled at the size difference of their hands. "We both have demons but she was always the stronger one between us. She had enough strength for the both of us and she was doing great. So great." He slipped his hand out of Harry's because they were getting clammy from being anxious. "You know, whenever I'd have an episode or a panic attack she'd bring me in her lap and stroke my hair, whispering 'it's going to be okay' in my ear over and over."

"Did that help you?" Harry asked in curiosity. Because if it did, then he finally had an answer to the many mysteries of Louis Tomlinson.

"Always. Sometimes she'd even sing me my favourite song."

"What's your favourite song?" Getting Louis to talk about his cousin in any way was a coping strategy to get him to overcome the grief that Harry learned over the years. It's like a pressure cooker— if you don't open the lid periodically, the pressure or pain or grief will build up and can cause you to feel overwhelmed. Venting helps take whatever it is that you're holding inside out and helps process those feelings.

"Home by Phillip Phillips." Louis looked up to gage Harry's reaction.

"Never heard of him," Harry admitted, taking note of the fact he just learned. He was definitely going to look it up later.

"He's kind of underrated." Louis' finger traced the pattern of the texture of the blanket wrapped around him. "He won American Idol in 2012 or something. Anyway, um, yeah, she's a nice girl. She's always there for me when I can't be there for myself and I-" He got choked up, looking down to his lap to hide his weakness. "I wasn't able to be there for her," Louis whispered with a tear falling down his cheek. Harry stayed silent, waiting for Louis to continue on his own rather than pressing him on. It was supposed to be a comfortable environment and he would wait days in silence if it meant that Louis  _wanted_  to talk rather than feel like he was forced to. "She um, sh-she uh, god-"

"Take your time kitten, there's no rush. Take a deep breath, c'mon." He held onto Louis' hands again and took a deep breath with him.

"She killed herself, Harry, and I wasn't able to be there for her."

"Lou-"

"I couldn't be there for her." Louis retracted his hands and wiped a tear away. "She was needing help and I couldn't be there for her."

"Louis, look at me." Harry tried to lift his head up but Louis absolutely refused to make any eye contact. Harry probably thought he was a monster because he wasn't there for Emily. "Look at me, Louis." Harry's voice was firmer and he used more force to get the small boy's attention but Louis still denied his actions. "Look at me. Look at me!" He raised his voice much louder than its been in a while (kind of like the time they had their first argument) and had a strong grip on the fabric of the shirt Louis was wearing as he shook him, finally getting his attention. "You listen to me, none of this is your fault, you hear me? It's not your fault."

Louis frantically nodded his head whispering "yes it is," over and over again with more and more tears flowing out. Harry's eyes started to burn with tears because here was this boy blaming himself for his cousin's demons overpowering her that were caused by something or someone other than him.

"Stop, it's not. It's not your fault." He gripped either side of Louis head to get him to stop nodding and began to move it side to side. "It's not your fault kitten."

"Yes it is."

"No," Harry whispered wiping a tear from Louis' face but letting his fall. "It's not. It's not Louis. None of it is."

"It is, Harry. I couldn't be there for her. I failed her." The last sentence was merely a whisper, if that. It wasn't even audible to Harry who was sitting right across from him.

"Listen to me, listen to me." Harry pulled Louis close and stared at him before pulling him tight to his chest. "Louis, love, hey, it's alright. Focus on my words, okay?" He did his best attempt of nodding his head against Harry's chest. "You were a victim, okay? You are just as much of a victim as she was. Don't blame yourself over something you can't control."

"I could've stopped her."

"No, kitten, you couldn't have. There was no way you could've known how powerful her demons grew." Harry's large hand stroked the back of Louis' head for comfort. "Don't do this to yourself. I know deep down you know it wasn't your fault. Don't put this unnecessary burden on yourself." The pair stayed quiet as Harry tried to coerce Louis out of thinking it was his fault. It was sad to think that this boy who brings nothing but happiness to Harry would blame himself for someone else's doing. "I-I don't know your favourite song, but I can sing you mine if it'll help soothe your uneasiness."

Louis nodded, tightening his grip around the taller boy. "'s okay." His voice was heartbreakingly soft in such a manner that it pulled on every bit of Harry's heart.

"And don't make fun of me because I know you're some hotshot singer but I'm rubbish."

"I won't," Louis weakly smiled, bringing his body closer to Harry so their embrace wasn't as awkward or uncomfortable.

_"Michelle, ma belle— these are words that go together well, my Michelle."_ Harry made sure his mouth was in close proximity of Louis' ear as he softly sang the song. " _Michelle, ma belle— sont les mots qui vont tres bien ensemble, tres bien ensemble."_ He continued to sing the rest of the song quietly into Louis' ear while petting his hair and swaying them from side to side. " _And I will say the only words I know that you'll understand, my Michelle._ " Once he finished the song, he kept the movement of their bodies and his hand the same, waiting for Louis to speak up or just to keep the silence.

"The Beatles," Louis whispered into Harry's shoulder. "They were Emily's favourite."

"Beautiful and great music taste? She sounds great."

"She was." Louis smiled, slightly moving his fingers at the small of Harry's back. He finally addressed her in the past rather than present and that showed strength, progress, and acceptance. "That's your favourite song?"

"I was between that and Toxic by Britney Spears but I wasn't too sure if that was appropriate." Louis laughed, imagining what Harry singing Toxic would sound like. He thought that Harry had a wonderful voice— it was warm and full and his tone was absolutely beautiful. "You should get going home, yeah?" Harry pulled away and smiled when Louis wasn't crying anymore. He nodded along and took Harry's hand as he helped him off the bed, bringing the apple with him. "Oh, your clothes are dry now." He handed Louis his clothes folded neatly in a small pile along with a huge sweatshirt. "And put this on, it got chilly out."

"But your clothes-"

"Don't worry about it kitten, just wear them home. You look better in them anyway."

"They're just sweats," Louis laughed, pulling the sweater over his head.

"Yeah, but you still look nice." Louis rolled his eyes, grabbing his pile of clothing again. "Let me walk you home." The two boys headed down the stairs and out the door after Harry told his mum he'd be right back. "I'm actually really glad you came over."

"Really?" He looked over to his neighbour with furrowed brows because he hadn't heard a statement like that in forever. Harry nodded and smiled while looking at Louis. "How come?"

"Many reasons." Harry stuffed his hands in his pockets and was glad he gave Louis a sweater because it was freezing out. The rain had since calmed down but the low rumbles of thunder could still be heard with brief flashes of lightning. "The main reason being that you were finally able to let it all out and you were able to smile for the first time in a week. I don't know about you but I think that's amazing progress and you need to recognize it."

They reached Louis' doorstep in no time and before he went inside he stopped in front of Harry and peered up at him. "There's other reasons?"

"Yeah, like I was finally able to take care of you a-and I really feel like our friendship is moving forward." He smiled and admired the way the soft light cascaded over Louis' even softer features. "You also got me to sing my favourite song which doesn't happen so easily. So congratulations Louis Tomlinson, you've officially captured not only my heart but my soul."

"You're insane Harry Styles," Louis said shaking his head with a stupid smile on his face and his eyes revived.

He smiled once more and placed a chaste kiss to Louis' forehead. "Sweet dreams kitty, dream of something nice."


	24. but unlike the brain, louis felt useless to human existence

mood: i won't let go- rascal flatts  
  
  
  


 

 

** Tuesday, October 16th 6:30 am **

Since the moment they met it was like Louis could never get a break. Throughout all hours of the day his phone would ding and ring and vibrate in his pocket or on the table, wherever. He'd be in the shower and hear his phone vibrate on the surface of the sink. He'd be woken up in the middle of the night from the loud ding or vibration of a pestering notification from an even more pestering Harry Styles. The both of them would be in class and Harry would tag him in things on Twitter and Instagram, flooding his dm's with questions and just plain statements about anything and everything. Harry had not given up.

Granted, their previous endeavors possibly gave him the impression that they were friends, but they're not. They never will be. There were no hard feelings and Louis wasn't entirely opposed to the idea of a friendship, but everyone around them wouldn't like the friendship so why even try? What's the point in pursuing something if all that's going to happen is even more hate?

Yes, it seemed like what Louis was doing was essentially leading Harry on to believe there was going to be a blossoming friendship between the two of them, but Harry shouldn't be so naive, Louis thought. He'd reject him then confide in him, reject him then go to Regents Park with him, reject him then go running to his house in tears, begging to be taken care of. It wasn't a game, and he didn't think of it as so, but at this point it's like Louis was intentionally messing with Harry with the constant on and off, only liking his presence when it's beneficial for him. But still, none of that mattered because Harry hadn't given up yet. Even when Louis gave him the cold shoulder the day before.

Louis left without him for school that morning for a multitude of reasons. One being that after coming back from the high that disassociation gave him, he released what a fool he made out of himself that past weekend. How embarrassing was it that he quite literally came running to Harry crying and on top of that had a minor episode and then another? How could he ever face such a beautiful boy ever again after exposing part of his dark side? The next reason goes along with the first in that he simply couldn't face Harry probably ever again. Not only had he cried, but he selfishly clung to Harry's body, not taking into consideration how he felt about it all. He fell asleep in his bed  _on his lap_ , and continued to take time out of his night when he so clearly could've spent it with his dear friend Niall.

Because Louis felt this way, he just  _knew_  Harry had too as well. Taking that he insensitively invaded his privacy and took his time away from his friend and schoolwork. But even still, the previous day Harry only mentioned being left alone and having to do that walk of shame to school. Never once did he mention their weekend engagement, probably because he knew Louis was embarrassed, or so Louis thought. Or maybe he simply just didn't mind. And so that's why he continued to bombard Louis with messages and notifications from tagging him in the most ridiculous posts.

_Twitter- @harrystyles: hi lou, it shows you haven't opened or even followed me back. i guess i'm a little hurt but that's okay. ):_

_@harrystyles: what's your favorite flower? asking for a friend._

_Instagram- @harrystyles: looouuuu, c'mon, follow me back!!! what's your deal? i'm trying to send you cute kitty pics ));_

_@harrystyles: what's your favorite movie besides grease (; asking for a friend._

Despite him never having the guts to admit it, all of Harry's gestures made Louis feel something. He wasn't really sure what, but it was something. And it wasn't a bad feeling. He wanted to give in and allow Harry to be his friend, but he continued to embarrass himself in front of him time and time again and he couldn't fathom the thought of being rejected by Harry so instead he took control of the situation and distanced himself.

Since Louis' profiles were on private all of Harry's messages were requests and he wasn't able to see if Louis had opened them or not. He wouldn't know that Louis stayed up fawning over all the pictures and messages that Harry sent him. As annoying as it was, Louis would wake up in the middle of the night when his phone would chime and check to see what Harry sent him. He liked this, he liked having a friend, he liked being visible to someone, but at what cost?  
  


 

** 7:15 am **

Louis was approaching his locker to switch out the books he had last night for homework for his morning books. He had three classes before lunch that required textbooks: psychology, maths, and human anatomy. All of which he genuinely loved, but it was excruciating having to carry such dense books around. The only book light enough to carry in his bag was human anatomy, the rest having to be carried in his lanky arms. If he were to put the others in there not only would he not be able to zip up his bag completely, but he'd surely topple over.

His favorite of the three was, of course, psychology. Just something about attempting to understand the human brain is incredibly fascinating to him. The human brain is the most complex thing to ever be discovered and there is no way to fully understand it and that alone is so interesting to him. Because no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to understand the brain in its entirety, not even neuroscientists of any form. That's exactly how he felt; no matter how hard any one tried, no one would ever get to be able to understand him. But unlike the brain, Louis felt useless to human existence.

"What's got you thinking so hard?" Louis jumped from the sudden voice and instinctively looked down, like a form of showing submission or a way to make his presence less known. A hand was on his shoulder for comfort and he immediately knew who it was. He recognized that sweet voice of honey and the warm, gentle touch. Maybe, possibly, conceivably he'd respond to Harry if it were any other day, but he didn't feel like interacting with him, or anyone at that, still coming down from his embarrassment of that past weekend. So, he just brushed it off as best as he could and continued to change out his things, closing his locker and walking away without a word. "Louis," Harry said walking after him.

Louis turned around to look at him with no particular face or feeling, just Louis being Louis. "Yeah?" He just stood there with his arms gripping his books across his chest, shoulders high, and feet crossed.

Harry studied the tiny boy for a few moments to make sure everything was alright, after everything that happened this weekend he couldn't risk the chance of Louis to slip away. He knew Louis' mind was still swarming about his cousin and that's fine, he just hoped it wasn't what Louis thought of the situation, rather of what the situation was. And taking that yesterday Louis completely ignored Harry, maybe he wasn't doing alright.

"Everything okay?" His eyebrows were furrowed, and his eyes were soft. This was a look that always broke Louis' heart but warmed it all at once. It was heartbreaking to feel like he was hurting someone who was always happy by being the burden he always was and having them worry about him for a stupid reason. But at the same time, it warmed his heart because someone cared for him. Someone possibly cared for him but, again, it made him feel selfish.

"I'm okay." He gave him a small nod and flatlined his lips in an attempt of a smile.

"Yeah?" Harry asked with a smile on his face. He knew that Louis wasn't okay, but pushing the topic wasn't going to help the situation. Louis nodded in response and looked away from Harry's gaze. "Smile for me?" He guided Louis' head to look back at him, his own smile never faltering. Louis smiled ever so slightly and shook his head. "C'mon, I think I deserve it."

How to get Louis sassy? Act entitled to anything he does. He crossed his arms with his left hip popped out and a raised brow. "And why do you say that?" he asked, completely forgetting about not wanting to talk to anyone today.

Harry mockingly scoffed and over exaggeratedly dropped his jaw. "I can't believe you asked me this question." Louis knew it was a foolish question. Harry's done so much for him and all he wanted was a smile and he, of course, had to testify against it. "Maybe because you never smile? Not for me, not for anyone. And I think that's the least I can get after sharing all my smiles with you." Yes, he was exaggerating however, it's partially true. Only on a few occasions did Harry get a  _genuine_  smile from Louis. Other than that he hardly even got a reaction from the boy if it didn't consist of flushed cheeks and furrowed brows. Louis smiled shaking his head and looking away, thinking about the time he couldn't wipe the smile from his face when they went to Regents. "There we go." Harry smiled even wider. "What are you laughing at?" Louis was trying to hide his giggles from, well, everyone. 

"Harry Smiles. Like Styles but Smiles." Harry chuckled along and shook his head.

For how insanely stubborn Louis was, he was easily swayed into a smile. His childishness ultimately formed an even bigger smile on Harry's face. "Yeah, and I want to see Louis Smilinson all the time." Louis unconsciously began to crack up at the nickname being reciprocated back to him as they started walking towards Louis' first period. "Also, side note, you completely ditched me this morning. What's up with that?"

"Wanted to leave early, I guess." Louis shrugged, ignoring the real reason why he left without Harry.

"Without me?" Harry tried to cover up his hurt with sounding sarcastic, but didn't do a very good job, which made Louis look up at him funny.

"Sorry, I didn't think that-"

"No, no, no. You don't need to apologize. It's okay, there's no obligation for waiting for me and I don't want you to think that there is. I'm just being over the top." Louis nodded and gave a half smile. "Okay, now have fun in psych, I'll see you later." Again, Louis just nodded and walked into his class without saying a word to Harry as if that quick minute of smiles and laughs never happened.  
  


 

** 9:31 am **

Harry was in his fourth period— the class he hated the most, maths. Seriously, what's the point? It's not like he used it in his everyday life. When does he ever have to find the directrix of the parabola of a swing in his everyday life? Literally never, but the education system insists that it's important and necessary for common knowledge. Not that he'd be able to anyway. This class would seriously feel like ten years if it weren't for Monet to accompany him and make it go by faster. They've been broken up for a week now, but it's like nothing happened and maybe that was the point she was trying to make. They were best friends who kissed and that was about it. They did nothing more (other than Monet smacking Harry's bum on multiple occasions just to spite him). Nothing was weird, nothing was awkward. It was just like nothing happened.

"Can you help me with this? I'm so lost right now." Harry ran his hands through his hair and huffed out a stream of air through his nose. He was working on ellipses and very much struggling doing so. "What the hell is 'k' supposed to stand for?"

Every day in maths was like a comical show to Monet. She loved to watch Harry struggle and get frustrated because he never knew what was going on. Either he didn't pay attention in class because he's too busy scrolling through social media for the next best thing to tag Louis in, or he did pay attention and he still didn't understand and that was the frustrating part of it all. Was there even a point to listen if he wasn't going to understand either way? "It's the up and down units, so that means the coordinates on the 'y' axis. Look," she continued to explain what he needed to do and he still didn't get it. Everything coming out of her mouth just sounded like gibberish to him. And it didn't help that she started talking to him in a baby voice which only frustrated Harry even more.

"You've gone over it so many times and I still don't understand. What is any of this supposed to mean?" He dropped his head on the table and fake-sobbed. Now can you see why this is Monet's favorite class? She just laughed along and rubbed at Harry's back. "You're a horrible teacher Mo. Where's Louis when you need him? He's a much better teacher than you."

"Hey, I am a good teacher, you just suck." Harry gasped, shooting his head up with his hand gripping at his chest. Monet ignored him and went back to doing her homework shaking her head. "You can't teach the unteachable."

"That's very rude, innit?" She just chuckled at his sensitivity as she continued the class work. "A good teacher is patient. They don't say that their students suck."

"To their face." Monet looked up at Harry with her eyebrows raised and lips pursed.

Harry shook his head in disbelief and packed his things. "Louis would never treat me this way."

"He also fixed your wrong maths without guiding you through it."

"Hey! Don't you dare scrutinize him."

"All I'm saying is a good teacher helps you through the problems, not do them for you."

"He is a good teacher!" Harry exclaimed way too loud. "He's nice and encouraging and maybe only makes fun of me sometimes."

Monet laughed while shaking her head, following Harry with packing her things. "I'm sure he is."   
  


 

** 11:40 am **

It was lunch time and Louis had to make a quick stop at his locker to get his African Literature book so he didn't have to go out of his way from the library after lunch. He saw someone leaning against his locker talking to Harry. It was for sure a guy, but he couldn't make out who it was at first glance. They were tall, subjectively nice style of clothing, dark black hair, and oh. Louis immediately stopped in his tracks and watched the two from afar and backed around the corner. Yeah everyone knew Harry and Zayn were friends, but why did it come to such a shock to Louis every time he saw them together? Harry was too nice to be friends with someone like Zayn. Seriously. Harry goes out of his way to  _talk_ to Louis, while Zayn goes out of his way to  _ruin_ Louis.

The corridors were clearing— people going to their classes, into bathrooms to skip, leaving school just because they didn't want to be there and Louis still didn't move. He stared ahead and waited for Zayn to leave before approaching his locker but that seemed like it would take forever. The walk to his locker wasn't really out of the way from the library to his next class however, if he were to be later than usual he wouldn't get the seat he wanted. So Louis found himself in an unnecessary predicament and couldn't decide whether he wanted to stay and wait or leave and get it after lunch.

In the midst of his contemplation, Harry spotted him in the distance having trouble deciding and bluntly ended his conversation with Zayn, thinking the situation was far more serious than what it really was. "Yeah, I got to go. I'll see you in lunch." Zayn just waved him off and the two boys walked in opposite directions. "Where's Louis Smilinson?"

Louis looked up from his hands, almost terrified but soon recognizing the nickname. "I, uh, he-"

"I'm sorry, but I only want to speak with Louis Smilinson. Can you get him for me?" Louis just looked at him, blinking in confusion, not really knowing what to do. This wasn't normally a situation he got into or anyone for that matter. Like what does he do? Does he smile? Or does he pretend to go get someone? Does he just not respond? "Please? I don't have all day."

He furrowed his eyebrows, but the corners of his lips quirked up the slightest bit. "Harry Smiles?"

The smile on Harry's face widened. "Why of course, who else it would it be?" He curtsied the small boy, fanning out the hem of his shirt as far as he could without stretching it. "Tell Mr. Smilinson I'll be waiting in his office when he decides to show up." Harry walked away causing Louis to turn around and watch him. Then he realized that Harry was walking towards the library and smiled. And Harry being the intuitive person he was, without turning around, he said, "There he is."

Louis followed Harry to his usual table in the back of library. For Louis, one would probably think he'd like the table in the far back corner with his back to the door because he hated attention and loved to be as closed off as possible, but Louis preferred the tables by the bookshelves facing the door so he could gage the amount of people coming and going every once in a while and who they were.

"You know," Harry began once they both plopped down in their seats. He started to pull items out of his bag and onto the table. "We should sit at the tables by the window. It's a much prettier scenery than... this." His hands gestured to the surrounding bookshelves and tables.

Louis just shrugged, already beginning to scribble things into his notebook. "I quite like it. It's nice." He never once looked up from his textbook.

"Um, yeah, it's fine. I just made a suggestion."

"Sit over then, no one's stopping you." It's crazy how easily things shift with Louis.

Harry squinted his eyes and annoyingly bounced his pencil against his textbook, eyeing Louis. They were just fine a minute ago and now Louis was being cold with him again. He was just smiling and going along with Harry's banter and now he's reserved. None of it made sense— how quickly his moods switch— but again, this was Louis Tomlinson. "Can't help but feel like this is déjà vu."

"Mhm?" Louis was completely checked out of this conversation. He didn't want to speak to, look at, or be near Harry Styles. Sure, that quick minute was fun but it was over now and it was time to carry on.

"Right. Well obviously I'm not wanted here so I'm going to head out." Harry began to pack his things and immediately Louis felt guilty. The thing was, yes, he was still embarrassed over this weekend and, yes, he didn't want to speak to anyone but he also didn't want to make Harry feel unwanted. Because of course Louis wanted him around, he just felt like a burden. So he just stared at his textbook, letting Harry pack his things. "So you're just going to let me leave?"

Louis shrugged— which he knew wasn't the right thing to do, but, again, he hated being a burden. "You said you wanted to leave," he whispered, his eyes threatening tears.

"I never said I wanted to leave. I just don't feel wanted here so what's the point in staying?" Harry set his bag back onto the floor and looked at Louis as if he had two heads. For someone so so smart, he sure does have selective hearing.

"It's not that you're not wanted." He drifted off, examining his pencil in between his fingers.

"Then what is it Louis? In order for me to cater to your needs you  _need_  to communicate with me. You can't just expect me to leave you alone when you want me to without telling me." Harry sighed, rubbing his hands over his face in frustration. Like he said, he was glad he was persistent with Louis but that didn't mean it was easy. "Remember what we agreed on?"

"Yeah, it's just-" Louis sighed, shaking his head and poked his eraser against the pages of his book. "Nevermind. I don't feel like talking today."

"Hey, look at me?" Harry's fingertips brushed against Louis' to get his attention and to put his nerves at ease because he noticed that that was a thing that helped soothe him (physical touch). "Please?" He carefully lifted his head to reveal his reddening eyes with tears brimming them. "Don't cry kitten, hey." Harry reached over to wipe both eyes before the tears could fall. "I know what's really going, I just want to know why you always do this."

"Do what?" His foot began to tap at a rapid pace because of course. Of course Harry saw through everything little thing that Louis did.

"Do you want to explain, or do I have to?"

Again, Louis just shrugged, sitting back in his chair and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Thought you were going to leave?"

"Changed my mind," Harry said whilst copying Louis' motions. "Besides, that's not what you want." The two boys stared at each other for a few beats before Louis squinted his eyes and directed his gaze elsewhere. "Look, you're used to people running out on you, yeah? And you're expecting me to. But when I'm still here after everything gets hard you're confused and push me away."

"That's-"

"Louis, don't fight me on this, please. For once, just agree with me." Louis sighed in defeat dropping his head because he really didn't have the mentality to fight. That, and Harry was right on point. Even if he had the will to fight, he really couldn't. When he interrupted Harry he didn't have a plan of action other than refusing because whenever else he was in this situation no one really cared to follow up on it. But as time and time again showed, Harry wasn't like everyone else.

"Sorry," was all he could think of to say, if that was anything.

"You don't have to apologize, Lou." His fingers drummed along the edge of the table and his lips were pursed in thought. "Your  _demons_ -" he didn't want to use the word so abruptly and he wasn't even sure if Louis was okay with him using it, but he didn't know what other way to put it. "-or your past or both— whatever it is, none of it matters to me. Well, it does, but it's not going to affect any relationship we have. None of that defines you, it's not who you are."

Louis laughed, shaking his head as if patronizing Harry. He knew nothing, absolutely nothing. "But it does. And that's why this just couldn't work in the long run. I'm just stopping it before too much gets involved."

"And why wouldn't it? You keep pushing me away. You haven't given me a chance to show you anything, so how would you know it wouldn't work?"

"Because I'm a freak, Harry."

"You're not a freak!" Harry accidentally yelled maybe just a little too loud for the library. He looked around the room and now all eyes were on the pair making Louis sink into himself even more. Was it ever mentioned that he hated unnecessary attention?

"Is there a problem Mr. Styles?" Mrs. Crowley asked as she approached the table.

"Actually, yes there is." He looked to Louis with raised brows before looking back to the librarian.

"And that'd be?"

"This perfectly beautiful boy right here, inside and out, believes to be those nasty words those cruel people label him with. Now, you know that's not true, right?"

Mrs. Crowley raised her brows, giving Louis a questioning look with a smirk on her face as if suggesting something. "Of course not."

"And isn't he wonderful and sweet and just so lovely?"

She only nodded her head with a smile on her face, eyeing Harry for a bit before turning to look at Louis again saying, "Will you come with me for a second?" Louis sighed, complying without a fight and scowled Harry as he followed her into her office. He always had this thing with authority figures where he was too afraid to disobey them. "Louis."

"Mrs. Crowley, I'm fine. Harry is just melodramatic," Louis responded wanting to smack Harry upside the head for making a scene.

"Is he a boyfriend?"

"What? No? No. W-why would you even think that? He has a girlfriend."

"Don't know, Louis. There's just something about him and the way he acts with you. I've seen the both of you in here a handful of times and I'm telling you right now, don't dismiss his feelings."

"There are no  _feelings_  Mrs. Crowley. He's just a try hard who wants to be my friend."

"Stop living in oblivion and see the world around you. Recognize how different Harry treats you compared to his other mates."

"He treats me differently because he thinks I'm fragile— like I could break at any given moment."

She knew Louis was sensitive about things and that he was insanely stubborn so instead of trying to convince him she let it be with a sigh. "So you've made a new friend?"

Louis shook his head and rolled his eyes. He hated when people asked this question for many reasons. He felt pressured to befriend him because  _'oh he's so great'_  but as if someone as beautiful as Harry would want to be friends with Louis. "What a ridiculous question."

"It's not," the librarian began. "You two get along and you don't seem to mind his presence. Any other person you'd hate to be around." He knew this information but he never put it into this perspective. Harry never made him flinch (most of the time at least), he let Harry sit with him, he liked when Harry walked with him in the morning, he liked seeing Harry smile everyday.

But Louis only shrugged, dismissing every single feeling he had towards the boy, platonic or more. "Doesn't mean he's my friend."

"Well why not? Why won't you let him be your friend? He seems willing."

"Yeah but-" he stopped mid sentence and looked down to his shoes, wiggling his toes. "I'm afraid to get hurt again, feel betrayed and all that." Well if he was going to be entirely honest, he also enjoyed being "courted" too much. He and Harry knew they were somewhat friends, but it was the reassurance Harry wanted which Louis thought was weird. If anything, Louis was the one who would've needed reassurance. But putting a label to the relationship is what terrified Louis because then it's making a commitment and it'll only hurt more when it shatters. By not labeling him and Harry as friends it wouldn't matter when something bad happened because they weren't friends. See?

"Just try. Give him a chance." Louis stayed quiet because now she was starting to sound like Harry.

"Can I go now?" The librarian dismissed him and he walked back to the table he sat at every single day, quiet and timid. When he sat down in his seat he didn't say a word and got right back to his work with Harry eyeing him suspiciously.

"Everything alright?" Harry asked watching how much more tense Louis seemed than before.

"Yeah," Louis whispered back.

"What'd she want?"

Louis shrugged. The thing was he wanted to leave it be and not talk about it, but he knew Harry was going to bother him about it. "Just questioned if we were friends."

"Hm. I'm sure you said yes." He smiled, but it wasn't bright and it didn't seem happy. It was there almost like a facade to convince himself that Louis' words don't affect him.

"Said it was a ridiculous insinuation."

"Course you did. Why do I even try?" Harry grabbed his things and slung his backpack over his shoulder, getting ready to leave. "I'm not a bad guy, you know."

Louis looked up and swallowed thickly. Harry was visibly upset. The way his shoulders slumped forward and the monotone of his voice and the dull shine of his eyes. He felt guilty but at the same time it is what it is, right? "Yeah?"

"Then why do you keep acting like I'm one? I'm just trying to be your friend and to be there for you and make you smile, but you're treating me like a villain." He slipped his arm through the other loop of his bag, straightening it out. Louis looked down to his textbook in shame. "I get that you're working through the hardships of your past and all and that's fine. I don't mind at all. I want to help you along the way, but you make it hard when you categorize me with the others when I've done nothing to hurt you. I accommodate the way I talk and the way I act around other people when I'm with you to help make you feel more comfortable. But never once have you thought about how I feel when you do things like this. When you constantly push me away and act like being friends with me is the worst thing in the world. I'm trying my best but I need you to need me too." He stood up and got ready to walk out the library, waiting for a response and never getting one. So he sighed heavily and said, "But it's fine, I get it. You don't want any friends and I'll have to accept that. I'll see you around Louis." And with that Harry walked away, leaving the small, fragile boy alone to reflect on his actions.

The usage of his full name coming from Harry's mouth was strange and it felt weird. Louis was so used to the ridiculous nicknames that  _Louis_  didn't sound right. It wasn't right. Harry called him kitten and Lou and sugar and other ridiculous names like that, not  _Louis_. He liked those nicknames. They were a million times better than loser, fag, freak, etc.

It wasn't until now that Louis realized how selfish he was. He ruined a great thing because he was selfish and stupid. He never thought much of Harry's feelings because he never really thought they were genuine. But even then he believed them to be genuine enough to open up and run to him with some of his problems. As one, he collapsed his arms and dropped his head into them and cried silently. He ruined everything. Sooner or later he's going to have to realize that it isn't people how are hurting him, but himself.

Before he walked out the library, Harry turned around, with Louis still in sight, with the biggest frown on his face. From the way his breathing was shuttering and the uneven rise and falls of Louis' back, he knew he was crying and it took everything in him to not go back there and hold his neighbour. Yes, it was frustrating and, yes, it hurt but he didn't want Louis to feel this way. He didn't want him to put even more of a weight on his shoulders, but what else is there to do? Harry can't keep doing this back and forth with Louis, it's not good for either of them. So he left him be and walked out the glass doors.

The bell rang soon after and Louis didn't want to move. He had plans on staying there the rest of the day or just simply going home but there were only a few classes left so he decided to wipe his eyes dry and muster up the courage to face his schoolmates. In the midst of packing his items, his eyes fixated on a piece of lined paper that was perfectly folded a few times, the edges crisped, that rested under the cover of his textbook. He flipped the paper around to read  _Lou xx_  in that dainty cursive handwriting he familiarized himself with over the past month. Unfolding the paper he read:

 

_If you're reading this I'm most likely gone and you're packing up for class. I don't want you to think my departure was preplanned because it wasn't. I'm just- it's hard Louis. I don't mean to put you down but you need to know how I feel. Friendship is a two way street and I'm just going down a one way road. Whenever you talk me down, especially to my face, it hurts. Of course it hurts but I just don't understand why you don't see that? And it's not an ego thing, I just feel so strongly about you and being put down right after having progress hurts. But it's fine, don't be too hard on yourself. I still care about you and if you ever want someone to talk to you know I'll listen. But I guess I'll leave you alone now. None of this is good for either of us and the easy way to fix this is for me to go. But don't think I'm letting you off the hook monsieur. I'll be stopping in occasionally to see that pretty smile._

_Yours truly,_   
_Harry xx_   
  


 

** 3:13 pm **

The school day was finally over and for both boys it was long and heavy. There were only three classes after lunch but for some reason it felt so much longer than the first half of school. But they made it through nonetheless, Harry feeling down but nothing too bad that kept him from interacting with his friends and joking around. Louis on the other hand felt miserable. After crying in the library he freshened up in the bathroom and went on his way and it seemed like everyone picked today to bother and tease him. It only made matters worse but at least he could go home and cry about it soon.

Not before finding Harry. He needed to find Harry and make things right. It's only been three hours since lunch and Louis felt like he fell face first into cement off the top of a mountain. Everything felt heavier and the air was harder to breathe without having Harry to help him carry the weight or to show him how to breathe. Harry ruined his life in the best way possible. Sure it's nice to finally feel okay again, but having the taste of life without Harry, even though it was only a few hours, was hard. What would happen to Louis if he ever decided to release his demons onto him and Harry decided that that's not something he wanted to deal with? Or somehow, someway that Louis had a crush on him— one that he so desperately was trying to get over— and made a run for it. What happened when the world came crashing down and Harry wouldn't want to be there? But none of that mattered to him. He needed to stop living in what might happen and start living in the present and not worry about the future.

He rounded the corner to the main hallway where his locker resided and saw two figures. Coincidentally, it was the boy he was looking for and his girlfriend. Putting all fear aside he approached the pair, his hands trembling. Harry had his back to Louis and a hand on the door of his locker talking quietly to Monet. Her face was scrunched in concentration as she listened to what Harry was telling her. Her eyes flicked to Louis' tiny figure approaching them and tried to suppress her smile, quickly looking back to the tall boy so he didn't gain any suspicions.

He stopped right behind Harry, gently tapping on the back of his shoulder, paying no mind to Monet. Harry turned around curiously and met eyes with Louis. No words were said; they just stared at one another, taking in each other's sad features. "I'll call you later," Monet whispered before heading out the building.

Still, the boys remained silent and continued to look at each other until Louis stuck out his shaky hand with a folded piece of paper that was now crumbled from being in his pocket. Harry's eyes followed Louis' movements and he carefully took the note that had his name written in scratchy handwriting, looking at Louis once more before unfolding it. The lines were bare upon first glance until you scanned to the middle to see that same small, scratchy handwriting that Harry absolutely loved lightly written across the lines.

 

_Please don't go. I need you more than I like to let on._

 

It's simple and very minimalistic for such a big sheet of paper but it's nice. Harry didn't smile though. With his gaze still to the floor, he could see Louis' hands shaking from anxiety. This was the boldest thing Louis' done since they've known each other and he's terrified that he'd be rejected and Harry wanted to assure him everything was going to be alright but his features were still firm when he looked back up. And he just stared at him for what seemed like forever looking like he was angry, making Louis feel small and intimidated. The more seconds that passed by the more he sank into himself and lost hope. That was until Harry unexpectedly, and almost forcefully, tugged Louis in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around the tall boy's waist after stealthily slipping another note into the side pocket of Harry's backpack.

They held each other for minutes in the empty corridors, relaxing into each other's touch. There was a new warmth in the air, radiating off their bodies. It was comforting and everything just felt so right.

 


	25. this wasn't to fix something that was broken because louis wasn't broken

mood: i wanna know you- hannah montana  
  
  
  


 

** Friday, October 19th 4:46 pm **

School was done for the week and Louis couldn't be happier. He loved learning, but school was hell. The people sucked, some teachers sucked, his life just  _sucked_. When he finally entered his house, he got time to himself to be alone and recover. So he did. He relaxed immediately walking into the door, the warming smell of lavender and vanilla flooding his senses. Yes, Laura did drown the house in scents of lavender and vanilla to help ease Louis' nerves and put him in a better mood and he knew that, but it never worked. Sure, it did the best it could, but oils aren't miracle workers, they can't cure his depression or replace vaccines.

The oils obviously did their job, but it only annoyed him that they were used in the first place. Louis knew when and why his mum started using those scents and she's naive to believe that Louis was oblivious to that fact. The fact that Laura would go to the extent of buying oils to try and better her son rather than doing something as simple as just having to listen to what he had to say when he was younger shows a lot. Maybe if she had the decency to have an ear, Louis would be worlds better than what he was now. The same goes for Charles for enabling her usage of essential oils rather than verbal communication.

Since Tuesday him and Harry haven't really said much. Things were a bit awkward at first and honestly Harry was still a bit upset over it all and Louis could sense that. He was a tad standoffish whenever they were around each other for the first two days and didn't have much to say like he usually did. So to fill the empty space, Louis attempted to make conversation which that in itself was a disaster, but he tried and that's all that mattered to Harry. That's the only reason why he was willing to talk; because if Louis wasn't going to try, there wasn't a point. That friendship was no longer going to be one sided. Both ends we're going to try or else there will just be silence.

But Harry was still angry over the fact that Louis was going to let him leave. After all they've been through, Louis was going to let him go, and he did. It was only for a few hours but even still. After having taken delicate care of him that previous weekend because he was a wreck and meeting up with him at Regents because he's never been and walking with him to school every day so he wouldn't be lonely, Louis didn't stop him from walking out those doors. But at the same time, he tried to understand where Louis was coming from— how powerless and hopeless he felt. It had been a while since he had a friend like Harry so the whole 'fighting to keep a relationship' thing was something foreign to him.

They haven't talked about that day since it happened. Harry hadn't mentioned the note Louis slipped in his bag, that is, if he read it, and Louis didn't mention how guilty and sorry he was for being selfish. They left it in the past but it felt like an elephant in the room whenever they were together even if it wasn't that big of a deal. That may be partially why things have been awkward between the pair. Both wanted to talk about it, but neither had the guts to or was waiting for the other to bring it up. But by this morning everything was strangely fine. Harry was cheery and his annoying self again and Louis was still the stubborn but soft person he was.

When walking through his house, he spotted a bouquet of sunflowers resting on the table which was considerably out of the norm. Especially because no one was home, and no one had been home all day so how did those flowers end up inside his house and who were they for? He walked into the kitchen and luckily there was a note with his name on it? If this was another one of Harry's grand gestures, this had to be the last straw. As kind as it was, Harry managed to get into his house? Now things were getting pretty weird. But upon further inspection, the handwriting wasn't his. It was much girlier and wasn't the cursive that Harry usually wrote in. Before reading the small card, he scanned for a name and saw Monet?

_Hi Louis. I know this might seem strange and I understand why you might be weirded out, but Harry told me you were going through a hard time right now and I just wanted to cheer you up a bit. He told me you like flowers and that sunflowers were your favourite so here's that. He talks about you a lot, you know. He's very fond of you and it's kind of strange how he feels everything you're feeling but just know his intentions and feelings are genuine. Don't give up on him. But anyway, I hope whatever hardships you're going through gets better. I know we never really were friends and I've been pretty absent these past few years, but if you ever want someone to talk to who isn't as annoying as Harry, here's my number. Text me,_ _give me a ring_ _, whatever you want. Feel better._

_Love,_  
 _Monet_ ♡

There was an endless amount of things flooding Louis' mind from why Monet would do something like this to how Harry knew what Louis' favourite flower was. It was a very kind gesture and the fact that it wasn't Harry made him feel better (he was slightly starting to feel like a stalker). But he didn't dwell on that, or the fact that the flowers were inside his house, too much and brought the flowers up to his room, along with a vase of water to put right next to the flowers that Harry gave him two weeks ago. Though they were now wilting, he still found them beautiful— even with the slight stench it gave off. To say that his life wasn't strange would be a blatant lie. Everything had changed drastically since August that he didn't know what to think of it.

It all happened so fast.

One moment he's crying in the school bathroom because people were picking on him and the next he's reading a card from the co-captain of the cheer team with her number on it. Seriously. What had his life become? Not that he was complaining because finally the nightmares only came occasionally and those dreadful thoughts didn't come as often, but it was certainly something he had to adjust to.

He laid in his bed relaxing and reflecting on his life before beginning his homework. That is, until Harry obnoxiously pressed at Louis' doorbell at a rapid pace and didn't stop until he swung the door open obviously annoyed. That is, until Harry demanded they spend time together and forced himself inside Louis' house and then proceeded to force him to help him with his maths because he sucked at it. Whichever worked.

As annoyed as Louis was from the irritating ringing of his bell, he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy their time together. Whenever they spent time together, whether it be for hours at Regents, minutes on their walk to school, or even the few seconds passing by each other in the hallway, it was all nice. From the day those two met, Harry shoved himself into Louis' life and there was absolutely nothing Louis could do that would make him stop and maybe he had grown to like that.

And as annoyed as Louis was, he stomped up the stairs to get his backpack and met with Harry in his living room. The two boys were currently sitting on the floor, doing their homework on the coffee table. They sat on opposite ends of the table scribbling down words and equations and stressing out from not know what to do (Harry). Louis' parents were on their way to a friend's party hours away that Louis didn't want to attend. He never liked those parties, especially because they stayed the weekend over there. No thanks.

"Hey Lou?" Harry asked looking up from his notebook as he tapped the eraser of his pencil lightly on it.

"Hm?" Louis hummed not breaking away from his homework.

"Look at me?" He stopped the tapping and leaned closer to the table, waiting for Louis to finish the problem he was working on before he looked up at him. "Hi," Harry smiled. Louis weakly smiled back, clasping his hands on top his lap as he waited for him to continue. "We should hang out, like a proper hang out."

"How do you mean?" Harry sighed as he closed his book and walked towards Louis to close his textbook as well and grabbed the pencil from his hand to place on top of the book. He stuck his hand out for Louis and watched him hesitate before taking it and headed to the couch to sit, facing one another, close but not too close. "So?" Louis placed his elbow on the cushion of the couch and leaned his head against his folded arm.

"Talk to me. Tell me about yourself." Harry followed Louis' actions and leaned against the couch cushion. They looked into each other's eyes which caused Harry to smile. "Your eyes are so... mesmerizing." Louis blushed, turning his face into his arm, trying to avoid direct eye contact which only made Harry smile wider.

When he looked back to Harry, he decided not to comment on the compliment or how it affected him and instead only shrugged and said, "Nothing's that interesting about me."

"Let me be the judge of that. I know very little about you and I happen to find you very interesting." He pushed the fringe away from Louis' glasses. "Besides, that's what friends do; we talk." Louis smiled weakly and shook his head. Harry's smile was practically beaming actual rays of sun when Louis didn't protest him using the term  _friends_. "So we're friends?" Louis barely shrugged and looked away from him with the faintest smile on his face. Harry grabbed his hands and stroked the back of it with his thumb. "Kitten."

He looked down at their hands and slowly pulled away. "Friends don't hold hands," Louis whispered still looking at his lap. He remembered a week ago where he let Harry hold his hands whilst in hysteria, too out of it to tell him not to. Or that time where Harry brought Louis into the bathroom so he wouldn't cry in front of the class. Harry was definitely an affectionate and touchy-feely type of person and it was just something Louis had to get used to. Either that or obviously set boundaries.

Harry smiled— he always smiled. "Wait, wait, wait. Let me get my phone hold on," Harry reached over to the table to grab his phone, opening the camera app and started recording. "Say it again. Say it, Louis. Tell them what you just called us."

Louis stuck a hand out in an attempt to cover the back camera of the phone and the other to cover his face while giggling. "Harry, what are you doing?"

Harry tried moving Louis' hands out of the way, laughing as well. "I need documentation of this or else no one will believe me. Tell them what you just told me."

"Who's them?" Harry stuck the camera in Louis' face while attempting to rip his small hands away with his only free hand.

"Everyone watching this. Now c'mon, say it Lou."

"Harry stop," Louis said through laughing fits. The camera was still very close to his face and Harry had successfully gathered both of Louis' wrists into one of his hands. So now he was recording Louis' laughing, bright smile, his glasses occasionally moving up and down his nose and his fringe falling into his eyes and only being moved when he had the time to flick them away. You could distinctly see every crevice of the crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he would laugh and the harmonious sound escaping his lips. "Let me go!"

"Say it again, kitten. Tell them what you said to me. Or else we could be here all night." He was smiling like a damn fool behind the phone. "Please?" Harry let go of his hands and started to tickle Louis to get the answer out of him. The eruption of childish, belly laughter that immediately filled the room was like a one way trip to heaven. Golly. It was precisely the best and most heartwarming sound Harry had ever heard. All the while Louis tried pushing his hand away to stop the painful tickles. "Say it and I'll stop."

"Harry stop." His body was squirming and Harry's cinematography skills were getting shaky from Louis thrashing about, but he was still able to capture the beauty of the bright, crinkled eyes and gleaming smile. It was all fun and games before Louis felt like he was going to pee himself. His flailing became more erratic and his cries and begs were more frequent, still not being able to contain his laughter or to push those huge hands off him.

"Say it. You're squeezing your legs, say it before you wee yourself. I show no mercy." His tickling got faster and rougher and Louis felt that pain in his abs from laughing too much and the burn when trying to hold pee that was about to come out and he knew he'd been defeated.

"Friends don't hold hands! Friends don't hold hands!" he yelled squirming uncontrollably. "Stop Harry, please? Harry!" All he could do was yell because he felt it, he felt the pee coming and if the tickling didn't stop now, he'd for sure wet himself. "Harry!" He pulled his hands away and Louis immediately shot up, running to the bathroom down the hall with his hands cupping the front of his jeans. Harry filmed until he closed the bathroom door, laughing his ass off.

The sound of a toilet flushing a few seconds later could be heard and then a sink running and soon the click of a door and footsteps approaching. When Harry looked over his shoulder Louis was smoothing out his shirt, giving him a death glare. "You're a devil," he said.

"Oh, kitten don't be upset." When Louis plopped down on the couch as far away as he could to keep distance between the two of them, Harry scooted closer and swooped a finger across Louis' forehead to move the hair.

"I almost wet myself." He moved away from Harry's touch, looking towards the telly and crossing his arms over his chest in a huff. "All for a stupid video."

"Hey, one day we're going to watch that video together and you're going to realize how ridiculous you were being."

"Or I'm going to remember the pain in my stomach from your evil decisions."

"Yeah, sure, or that." Harry went to tuck a short wave behind Louis' ear but was smacked away with a scowl. "Ridiculous I say."  
  


** 7:18 pm **

Since the whole ticking fiasco, things have calmed down and the two boys were surprisingly having a normal conversation. They were talking and sharing stories with one another laughing, crying, getting angry, and pretty much every other emotion there is. Louis was very hesitant with sharing particular stories, but Harry kept insisting that they were safe with him, grabbing his hand for comfort and guiding him through the hard parts. Out of habit, Louis wouldn't say anything unless Harry would ask because no one really cared to hear about him before, and he didn't want to speak too much in case Harry lost interest. Also because he's never really done this, not since Zayn at least.

No matter how little or how much Louis talked, Harry never got tired of hearing his voice and he seemed genuinely interested and would engage in the stories Louis would tell by asking follow up questions or by being very expressive when listening. There would  _always_  be follow up questions or related stories, discussions and advice. Whenever Harry spoke Louis would do the same, but more listening than talking, and Harry respected that. He never pressed any topic onto Louis if he saw or thought it would make him uncomfortable. Never would Louis have thought that telling someone childhood stories and past experiences would be relieving and just overall fun. And never would he have thought that he would be enjoying it.

Right now, Harry was asking Louis personal questions about him such as his favorite color, name, place, food, drink, etc. It turns out that Louis was pretty normal and why did Harry find that so shocking? He thought Louis would take interest in weird, obscure things like his favorite color being razzmatazz or his favorite drink to be mulled cider or something, but they all were pretty normal. And much to his surprise Louis would ask questions back about his family, hometown, and general things like that. He liked it, they both did.

Harry was finally able to step over the few stacked bricks left of the wall that'd been breaking down the past couple of months. He finally crossed that line of  _'please go away'_  to  _'please stay'_. Harry for sure knew what was happening and he couldn't be happier. Louis needed someone there for him to not only love and care for him, but to help him love and care for himself. This wasn't to fix something that was broken because Louis wasn't broken. He'd just been through a few traumatic experiences as a kid and was trying to work through that. Harry's end goal was to guide Louis to happiness rather than just giving it to him if that makes any sense.

There was no progress if you're not working for it because you're not going to learn anything. Bringing happiness to Louis is like giving candy to a toddler, they'll take it, use it, then ask for more. They become dependent and that's not what Harry wanted. He wanted Louis to work for it so he'll appreciate it when it was present and cherish it for as long as he could.

The boys sat in minutes of silence before Louis surprisingly broke it. He was looking down to his lap, playing with the crease on his sweats. "When I got home from school today there were flowers on the kitchen table." His voice was hesitant and soft, as if he wasn't sure if Harry would care or not.

"Yeah?" Harry asked with no particular expression. Louis nodded his head with a half smile. "Who from?"

"Well at first I thought they were from you and I was going to be terrified because there's no doubt in my mind you would find your way into my house."

"Hey! I may be a stalker, but I'm no intruder."

"As if that's any better," Louis laughed, laying his head down against his arm and Harry thought he just looked so adorable.

"So who were they from?"

"Monet?"

"Monet?" Harry asked in extreme confusion.

"Yeah, um, it was like a condolence gift. She left a card wishing everything was going alright. Said she hoped the flowers would cheer me up because you told her I like flowers." Louis' face flushed a deep, deep red at the thought of Harry talking about him to other people.

"Well am I wrong?" Louis bit down on his lip and shook his head. "What kind of flowers did she get you?" Obviously he was curious but he was also happy that Monet did such a kind gesture for Louis because he'd be able to realize that not the entire world was against him.

"Sunflowers." Immediately a smirk played on Harry's lips because if Monet told Louis that he told her he liked flowers, then she most definitely told him that Harry knew his favourite flower was a sunflower. His mind wandered to the time Louis gave him a rose as a thank you because he seemed like a rose kind of guy. And when he asked what Louis' favourite flower was, he totally dismissed him. He's tried to coerce the information out of him since then and wondered why Louis was so stubborn over that information and how he didn't get suspicious when it suddenly stopped. "How'd you know they were my favourite?"

Harry laughed as if it wasn't already totally obvious. "Love, seriously? For someone who tries to hide what he's feeling all the time, you're very expressive." Just thinking of what he was about to say formed a huge grin on his face. "When we went to Regents and were just wandering about, of course your face was so full of happiness because there were flowers everywhere, but when we stopped by the field of sunflowers it changed. I'm not really sure how to describe it, but there was this look in your eyes that was different from when you looked at any other flower. That's how I knew."

In all of his life Louis thought his presence and being was insignificant to the world. There were loads of times where he felt like people were avoiding him, but a lot of the times it felt like people just couldn't see him. And because of that he never thought people would care to pay attention to his existence, so when Harry told him what he observed him, noticing specific, small details it was weird but all at once gratifying.

"Why were you watching me?" His face tinted a deeper shade of red.

Harry shrugged as if it was something normal. "Dunno, you're just interesting to watch. Like I said, you're very expressive, especially when you're not aware of it and it's nice to see some emotion in that stone heart of yours."

Louis rolled his eyes and turned his head to the ceiling. "You have a sunflower in your room. The tapestry."

"I do."

"When'd you get it?" He didn't want to think Harry got it after Regents because it reminded him of Louis, but the thought invaded his mind.

"I got it after Regents."

"How come?"

Harry laughed, while looking at Louis. He wasn't subtle at all. "Well, I did want something to cover that wall because I have like no decor, but also because it reminds me of you, obviously."

"Isn't that weird, though?" He turned his head to look at the curly lad in confusion. "Like, I don't know."

Harry shook his head. "No. It was a way for me to feel close to you after you kept rejecting me." Admitting that was actually slightly embarrassing and his face washed pink. "And it also gave me hope that one day you'd come around and look at us now."

But Louis didn't find it embarrassing. He smiled, touched by the fact that Harry went to the extent of buying a damn tapestry of a sunflower to be reminded of Louis. He still found it a bit odd, but it was sweet in an even odder way. "Remember when you asked me if you gave me a rose if I would let it die or let it grow?" Harry nodded in confusion at the random bring up of that night, not seeing where it connected in the conversation. "Well, I kept that bouquet you gave me after my cousin passed in a vase. It's wilting away now, but I can't bring myself to throw them out because they remind me of you." Just like Harry, his face flushed after admitting that.

"Really?" Harry smiled. He didn't take Louis to be someone to hold onto something as a sentiment, but clearly he was wrong.

"Yeah, reminded me that not the entire world was against me and that there might be people out there who want me to smile."

"Who's the sap now?" Louis laughed and looked back up to the ceiling with his hands interlaced on top his stomach. "At least you have a brand new bouquet to replace the old ones. They're not from me, but they still have the same message."

He gently nodded his head, closing his eyes and letting the room fall silent. "She gave me her number in case I wanted to 'talk to someone who wasn't as annoying as Harry.'" He spoke using his fingers as quotations so Harry knew those were Monet's words and not his.

"A charming one, isn't she?" Louis giggled looking back to his neighbour with a smile of content plastered on his face. "You know, she bullies me everyday during maths."

"Because you're rubbish."

"Well, okay. Only you can call me rubbish, not Mo."

"Why?" Louis laughed.

"Because you're quite charismatic and cheeky. Monet on the other hand just has cruel intentions."

Louis laughed roughly and let the room fall in a comfortable silence again. He was playing with the bottom hemming of his t-shirt and he knew that Harry was watching him. Not only because he admitted a few minutes ago that he liked to watch him, but he can  _feel_  his gaze on him. "What happened with Monet, if you don't mind me asking," he asked after a few minutes.

"What do you mean what happened with Monet? Is she okay? Did something happen to her?" Harry panicked. Afterall, she was his best friend.

"No, I-I'm pretty sure she's okay. Just that, I don't know, it seems like you guys hang out less often. I mean, it's a Friday night and you're stuck here with me when you would probably have a much better time with your girlfriend." Louis looked up for a split second to convey his concern to Harry before looking back down to his lap. "Just wanted to make sure everything between you two is okay." He looked back up and smiled softly.

"Couple things I want to say." He stuck up his pointer finger. "First, don't ever say that again. Don't say us spending time together is me being stuck with you. I chose to be here with you because I wanted to hang out with  _you_. Me and Mo don't always have to hang out together, we need time to breathe. It's a Friday night and I wanted to spend it with you, because that's what friends do, okay?" Louis nodded with flushed cheeks. "Okay, second." He stuck up his second finger. "You're an amazing person Lou, you need to see that. Don't think just because she was my girlfriend that I'd automatically have more fun with her. Yeah, we go out and explore things, but I like talking and hanging out with you and making you smile and laugh. This is just as much fun as going out on any adventure. Though, side note, we should definitely do that soon." Harry smiled and stuck up his third finger. "Third, everything between me and Monet are fine. Nothing between us has changed, we're just as close and hang out just as much. At school we do have the same friend group, but we do have other friends and we'd like to see them, okay?"

Louis nodded and furrowed his eyebrows. "You have other friends than Zayn and them?" It's a dumb question because obviously Harry had friends other than Zayn and the rugby team, but he never really saw him socialize with anyone else. But is it really a shock? Harry was probably friends with everyone at that school, especially if he took interest in Louis.

"Yeah, you." Harry smiled, booping the tip of Louis' nose with a genuine smile on his face causing him to flush pink. "Now finally, um, Monet and I actually broke up over a week ago. The same day you told me you didn't want to be friends with me anymore."

A soft gasp came from Louis' mouth. He felt bad about the breakup but he also felt bad for pushing Harry away only for his girlfriend to breakup with him hours later. Obviously there was no way for him to know, but still. "The night you came back late and waved at me?" Harry nodded with a smile thinking about that night. As eventful as that day was, and not in the most pleasant of ways, he was glad that his night ended with something good and that was the hope Louis gave him when he clicked on that lamp. He could've easily ignored him and stayed in bed, but he went out of his way to show Harry he cared for his safety. "I'm sorry that happened, especially after a date."

"No worries, we're still really good friends. Like I said, nothing between us changed."

"Why'd she breakup with you? If it's alright for me to ask."

"You don't have to keep using precautionaries. I'm fine with being open with you and telling you personal things. If you want to know something, just ask. But the breakup was essentially mutual and understanding. However she did say she thought I wasn't as into the relationship as she was, and she didn't want to waste either of our times."

"Do you think that too? That you weren't as into the relationship as she was?"

"I don't know, I guess so. I never was in a relationship like the one with Mo. We were only together for a few months, but I felt like it could've lasted a lifetime. But at the same, it didn't feel like that lifetime meant marriage? She said she saw herself being with me for a long time and potentially loving me in the future and asked me if I felt the same; if I saw myself loving her in the future."

"Do you?" He tried his best to stay composed. He knew Harry would never like him the way Louis liked him, (he's still working on getting over the crush, give him a break) but that didn't mean he couldn't be upset if Harry loved Monet, as bad as it sounded.

"If I did, I don't think we'd be broken up Lou," Harry chuckled. "She didn't cry though. She just told me she understood. I still feel a bad for it all, but she said she doesn't blame me, so I guess that makes me feel better." There was a pause where Harry stopped talking and looked passed Louis and in the distance out the window, barely being able to make out the features of nature from the orange warmth of the street lamp. Louis felt like there was more, so he watched him intently, waiting for him to say whatever it was he was holding back. Harry scrunched his lips to the right side of his face and bit his inner cheek while squinting his eyes the slightest bit. "She told me that my heart wasn't with her. That it belonged to someone else?" He looked back to Louis with an expression he couldn't describe. It was a look he's never seen before and not one he could put into words. It was like he was looking not at him but into him. And he foolishly wondered if that was what Louis looked like when he looked at the sunflowers but quickly wiped that thought away.

His heart was beating rapidly, and his stomach was doing backflips. His palms were beginning to sweat and tremble. "What do you, uh, what uh, what do you think? Do you agree or?" Why was he getting so nervous? Even if it was true, it's not like Harry's heart would belong to him. It's not like Harry would ever like him. Because at the end of the day Louis was still a boy and Harry still liked girls.

"I don't know, maybe? I mean it could be true, I guess. It could be a general statement or maybe she sees something I don't? She's pretty amazing at those things." He smiled when talking about her. If there's anything to know about Harry it's that he enjoyed talking about the people he loved.

"Maybe Camille, you guys seem pretty close and have like that tension going on between you two." That was hard for him to say for some reason, like his heart was breaking to say it. That and it was just a weird sentence that he put into awkward words.

"No, god no. Absolutely not. She's pretty I guess but I- no," he laughed, "she's not the worst looking, just doesn't peak my interests. We're just good friends." Louis nodded pressing his lips together. "Why? You stalking me Tomlinson?" Harry smirked and leaned closer to the boy.

"No I just- I observe things sometimes. I see things, I don't know, just thought-"

"It's okay. Like I said, I observe you sometimes too, especially when you think no one is watching you. I am." Harry smiled and pushed away the fringe that always seemed to fall into Louis' eyes. "I watch the way you look at the ground when you walk in the corridors and how you walk against the wall to prevent physical contact with anyone. How when you look up to see where you are, you frantically look around trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. I've seen how you stuff your hands in your pockets and scrunch over into yourself making yourself look so, so small. So small and so fragile." They looked at each other with sad eyes. "You know, seeing you like that- it makes me sad. Seeing you small and fragile and sad, genuinely makes me sad. And I want you to know that you will be happy one day, Lou. You will be." He whispered that last sentence, grabbing hold of Louis' hands.

"You don't know that," Louis whispered back his voice cracking. Honestly, happiness wasn't something he thought about when imagining his future. Sure recent events (Harry) have caused him to think there might be a brighter future, but he never thought it consisted of an unlimited amount of happiness.

"Yes I do, I'll make sure of it." He smiled somewhat weakly and rubbed his thumb along Louis' knuckles.

Louis looked down to his lap and pressed his lips together, pulling his hands away from Harry's. "Friends don't hold hands."

** 9:21 pm **

For hours the two boys talked about their lives, the mood lifting when Harry told Louis a stupid dad joke and then purposefully changing the subject to something much lighter and easier by talking about the scar on his arm. When he was a child, Harry was ruthless and he loved to go on adventures, much like he was now. Obviously when he was younger his adventures would be whatever he imagined his backyard to be, so there was a time in primary school where somehow, someway he convinced himself that he was a baby bird ready to leave the nest and he then proceeded to jump off the top of the shed in his backyard. And it was only after he jumped that he realized that none of that could possibly be true and fell onto his wrist, which resulted in him breaking it, scratching his arm along the metal fence that left a long scar on his upper arm, and bruises along his side and in his mind.

Louis found this to be hilarious, he did feel bad because Harry broke his wrist and what not, but who convinced themselves, even that young, that they're a baby bird? Harry got highly offended that someone who he called a saint would mock him and tried defending himself by saying,  _"I had a very big imagination,"_  and Louis replied,  _"And you were gullible enough to fall for it."_  Instant regret came over him for telling the story and he pouted because Louis didn't feel as bad as he thought he would.

_"What? Do you want me to feel bad for someone who thought they were a baby bird?"_  Louis had asked.

_"I was five!"_ Harry defended.

_"I was riding a bike at age five, not jumping off_ _shacks_ _thinking I was a bird."_

_"No need to be a show off."_

Since then they went back to talking about their personal favorites, preferences like this versus that questions and what not. Louis asked Harry what his favorite animal was, and he immediately replied cats,  _"cats, but like, kitties."_  He asked him why and then Harry went on this long tangent about how they're incredible animals and how he found it fascinating how they always land on their feet and how he watched this video of how and why cats land on their feet and how it showed a cat falling in slow motion, turning its body until it landed on their feet. He thought it was cute that a group of cats was called a clowder but a group of kittens were called a litter (or kindle) and how cats actually do recognize their owner's voices but don't care because they're  _"too cool."_  And so on and on and on and so forth.

"What's your favorite animal, Lewis?" Harry asked, poking Louis' forehead to get him to look up.

He playfully huffed at the mispronunciation and said, "Penguins." They were still sat on the couch except Louis had his back leaning against the arm rest with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms wrapped around them with his chin resting atop his knees. Harry sat crisscross facing him, slightly hunched over.

"How come?" He leaned closer putting his elbows by his feet and resting his chin on his palms.

"I don't know, I just think they're really cool. Like what animal do you know live exclusively in the southern hemisphere? And most of the time, depending on the species, penguins mate with the same member season after season. And, I mean, they're also really cute, especially the fluffy babies."

Harry smiled and asked, "What's the thing you find the most interesting about them?"

Louis thought about his answer for too long. He scrunched his eyebrows and bit the inside of his cheek while repositioned himself I sit straight up so he could talk more freely and expressive with Harry. "They're really interesting birds, that's kind of hard." He kept thinking and thinking, concentrating really hard on what he found the most interesting about them. As he was deciphering, Harry was completely smitten by the curves and crinkles on Louis' face while he was contorting it in concentration until he finally, maybe, came up with an answer. "So like, mating season-" Louis stopped abruptly, putting his hands out and widening his eyes a bit with raised brows.

"Yeah? What about it?"

"So like, the male penguins usually get to the breeding colony before the female penguins and they go searching for what they think would be the perfect rocks to build a nest for the baby eggs as a way of courting. And then when the females come, they sit at the nest while the males go scavenging for the smoothest pebble, even if that means stealing from neighboring nests. And if the female accepts the pebble and adds it to the nest, they're basically accepting a proposal and wanting to mate with them." He switched his position to sit crisscross like Harry, getting deep into the topic. "When the female chooses their mate, they do a courtship ritual where they bow, preen, and call out to each other. It helps them know the other's call so they could always find one another."

"That's pretty cool. Way cooler than kittens," Harry pouted, frowning and crossing his arms. The thing is, when Harry is entirely comfortable with someone he'll act incredibly childish and would pout, beg, and whine a lot as a joke or, in Monet's case, just to spite them.

"The kittens were cool too. Like when you said they're born blind and deaf and don't develop those senses until they're two to three weeks old. Or how they can be either left or right-pawed, or how they can fit their body anywhere their head fits into. Or how some cats are allergic to humans. That's pretty cool."

A smirk played on Harry's lips as he tilted his head to the right. "You remembered all that?" he asked, a smile gradually replacing the smirk.

"Yeah, it was pretty cool." Louis half smiled.

"Yeah, I guess it is. Maybe penguins will be my new favorite bird." Louis laughed and nodded his head. "What do you think about it?"

"About what?" Louis looked up to meet eyes with Harry.

"The pebble nesting courtship thing."

"I think it's cute." He nodded along as he spoke. "It's pretty romantic: the male penguin wanting to make the perfect nest for his babies that a female would approve of. It's the epitome of romance and/or courtship."

"Would you want to be courted like that?" Louis gave him a weird look, understanding his question but not really knowing what he's trying to get at. "Like would you want someone to go great lengths just to impress you and want you to 'mate' with them."

A small frown appeared on Louis' face and he diverted his eyes away from Harry. "To answer that simply, no, I wouldn't want that. It's cute and all but I think being put in that position- I don't know. I don't really think I'd be worthy enough to go great lengths for." A very small chuckle escaped his lips. The difference between him enjoying Harry's courtship versus any other form of courting was that Harry's intentions were platonic and any other form would be for romance.

"Don't say that. You have just as much worth as me and anyone else in the world, maybe even more." Louis shook his head, looking away, biting his cheek. "What's the complex answer?" There was hesitation in his voice because Louis wasn't an open book and maybe that piece of insecurity isn't something he was willing to share.

Louis sighed and flattened his lips. "You've seen the people at school, no one cares about me. The first time anyone has said anything remotely nice or even recognized my existence was you. They make fun of me for things I can't control and you really think there's someone out there for me?"

"There's someone for everyone."

"Not me."

Harry stared at Louis with sad eyes and slightly furrowed brows. "You deserve so much more than what this world has taken from you," he whispered. "You'll get it back; I promise you, you'll get it back."

"You shouldn't promise things you don't have control over." A tear slipped from Louis' eye, cascading down his pale pink cheeks. He never liked talking about his love life because, as recent events show, it only upset him. The thought of being alone for the rest of his life wasn't something he liked thinking about.

"Louis-"

He wiped the tear away and composed himself, rubbing his palms on his pants and blowing a stream of air out his mouth. "You should get going, it's getting pretty late, your mum must be worried."

Harry shook his head wanting to reach out to Louis and wanting to continue the topic that Louis isn't hopeless. There is love for him out there and just because he couldn't see it at the moment, doesn't mean there was none for him. "She knows I'm here, said I can come home whenever I want. But if you want me to go, I'll go." He looked up with pleading eyes because he really didn't want to leave. This was the most fun he had in a while. Louis was finally opening up and talking about himself and it was great. He didn't want this night to end so soon, but Louis wasn't looking at him at all so maybe that meant he wanted to call it a night. "Is that what you want?"

"Is it what  _you_  want?" Louis repeated looking up from his lap with the same furrowed brows Harry had.

"No, of course not. But if you want me to, I will."

"Stay?" The word sounded weird coming from his mouth. Harry smiled and nodded his head, glad that he was welcomed and that Louis expressed his wants through words. He had never verbally asked that of anyone before and it felt weird, he felt weird, but nonetheless it was progress.  
  


** 10:07 pm **

After talking got boring and they ran out of things to say, they decided to watch a film to occupy their time. Louis went to open Netflix when Harry stopped him and said DVD's are better because, " _knowing there's a disc inside the player gives off a nostalgic feeling."_  Louis rolled his eyes, calling him an idiot but listened anyway. His family didn't own many films which Harry thought was a good thing because there's less to choose from. Upon Harry's request,  _Of Mice and Men_  was put into the player because he remembered the day where Louis was laying in his front yard reading it and said it was his favourite book.

"You're going to cry at the end, it's a guarantee," Louis teased, but also warning him.

"No I'm not Louis," Harry waved him off, pushing him in the direction of the kitchen to make popcorn.

But instead, he went upstairs to retrieve some clothes for Harry to relax in, sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. Any logical person would've given the clothes back that they borrowed from their neighbour if they were needing a spare, but Louis was selfish and he wanted to keep them. They smelled like Harry and that gave off some sort of calming energy to Louis. He struggled to find bigger pairs of clothing that would undoubtedly fit Harry but finally found some and headed back down with them alongside a few blankets from the closet upstairs and the comforter from his bed.

When Harry grabbed the clothes he smirked because he was aware that Louis still had his clothes but didn't give them to him now but chose not to question it. Instead, he asked him why he had such big clothes compared to his small figure, and Louis just shrugged. Harry didn't hesitate to change right in front of Louis, and he tried his best not to look, leaving the room to go get snacks from the kitchen very flustered after catching a brief glimpse of Harry shirtless.

Once the snacks were prepared Louis returned to the couch with various bowls of snacks and gave each of them a small fleece blanket, topping both their laps with the comforter. They sat close enough where if either one of them wanted to lean their head on the other they'd be able to do so but not so close that there was space between their shoulders.

They're short of an hour into the film where George and Lennie arrived on the plantation where they meet Candy, Curley, the boss, etc. Louis' eyelids were getting heavy and his head kept falling to Harry's shoulder before quickly recovering. It was barely past ten and Louis didn't understand why he was getting so tired. His eyes were drooping and he was going in and out of sleep. Harry insisted he just rest his head on his shoulder instead of fighting to stay awake to which he denied at first, but was forced to after about the fifth time of dropping his head and Harry placed his hand on Louis' cheek to keep his head down.

He yawned against Harry's shoulder like the cute little kitten he is, making Harry look down with a fond smile. "Tired?" he asked softly. Louis hummed, shutting his eyes for a few seconds before forcing them open to continue watching the movie. Oh, was it mentioned that Harry was running his hands through Louis' hair? Which ultimately caused Louis to be so tried. "Let's get you to bed, I'll lock the door on my way out."

He placed the popcorn that they haven't touched in quite some time to the side and began to lift the covers when a hand was placed on his bicep. "Stay," Louis mumbled tiredly.

"Okay." He put the covers down and returned his hands to Louis' head. "Here, lay down." He helped guide Louis to lay his head on his lap and for his body to get comfortable on the sofa. He covered Louis' legs with the comforter and took the glasses off his face, placing them on the table. Returning his hands to Louis' scalp, he started massaging again. "Go to sleep Lou."  
  


** 11:49 pm **

It was almost midnight and  _Of Mice and Men_  was nearing the end. When Lennie ran away, George found him before Curley and his mob could. Lennie asked him to tell the story " _about_   _them other guys and about us."_ Harry's eyes were stinging with tears, blurring his vision, when George asked Lennie to face the other direction so he could imagine the story better. His tears were on the verge of spilling over when he started to tell the story and Lennie kept interrupting to tell it as well. George was obviously having a tough time telling this story because he knew this would be the last time he was going to tell it and the last conversation he was going to have with the person he spent years and years looking after— his best friend.

When talking about what animals were going to live on the farm Lennie said there were going to be rabbits and that he was going to tend them when George shot him. Not being able to hold back anymore, a single tear fell from one of Harry's eye and it wasn't until the final scene of George and Lennie walking away where the tears kept flowing out.

Louis shifted in Harry's lap, turning so his face was looking up. "You okay?" he whispered, slowly opening his eyes.

He looked so pure and innocent when he first woke up and it made Harry smile with tears glistening on his cheeks from the light flashing off the screen. Harry nodded his head and said, "I'm okay kitten," pushing the fringe out of Louis' eyes.

Louis smiled back at him, reaching up to wipe the tears away from Harry's cheek before closing his eyes and turning away towards the telly again. "I told you you'd cry."

"You did." Louis fell back asleep in Harry's lap while Harry continued to watch random shows until about one thirty trying to recover from what he just watched. There had to be a reason that  _Of Mice and Men_  was Louis' favourite other than the fact that he just loved it. As good as it was, the ending was so... morbid and he just wondered how Louis could enjoy reading that over and over again whilst highlighting and annotating about it. While thinking, he drifted off to sleep with Louis curled up in a ball, his head still on his lap and his own fingers tangled in the soft waves of his fragile and oh so endearing neighbour. ****

 


	26. it looked and smelled very homey but it didn't feel like a home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been ill for the past week and a half so that's my absence explained. and i sort of despise this chapter with a burning passion but it's whatever. enjoy xx

mood: fireflies- owl city  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


** Saturday, October 20th 12:38 pm **

When Harry woke up, Louis was still curled up in his lap, even more so than the night before. His head was by Harry's knee and his whole torso laid on his lap with his back pressed against his stomach. The sight, to anyone, would have them completely enamoured. When Harry compared Louis to a kitten, it was a lighthearted joke. Yeah, his hair was fluffy and he was tiny and lovable in every way possible, but spending more and more time with Louis only made that comparison even more noticeable.

Over the years, Harry would always wake up multiple times during the night. It wasn't that he had trouble sleeping, but when he was uncomfortable he just couldn't sleep. Like last night, he woke multiple times because sleeping in an upright position wasn't the most comfortable. Every time he woke up, he'd glance down to his lap and gawk at the tiny tiny boy on his lap. The faint noises he'd make along with the occasional furrow of his brows was incredibly endearing. Or whenever he'd rub his face along the fabric of Harry's sweats like he was trying to get more comfortable or wanting to feel that someone was there.

The second time Harry woke up Louis was twitching, fidgeting, and whimpering like he was having a nightmare. And Harry wanted to wake Louis up however, there were many things holding him back such as something as simple as he didn't want Louis to scour away and close up on himself. He didn't want Louis to suffer for the time being in his dream, but he also didn't want to be pushed away. So instead, he attempted to comfort him by continuing to run one hand through his hair and the other rubbing on his arm and eventually the jerking and trembling surprisingly stopped.

But it wasn't long until Louis woke up and quickly removed himself from Harry's lap, profusely apologizing for falling asleep on him even when Harry said he didn't care. That, of course, was after he sprinted upstairs to brush his teeth because he refused to speak to anyone with morning breath, but, again, Harry didn't care. When he came back down, he brought Harry a spare tooth brush and toothpaste so he too could freshen up as well. After that, breakfast went pretty smoothly. They only ate a bowl of oatmeal with a few fruits garnishing the top upon Harry's request because,  _"breakfast is the most important meal of the day and you just can't soil it by filling your system with junk."_

Since breakfast finished, Louis washed the dishes while Harry cleaned up the mess from last night, throwing out leftover popcorn and snacks and giving the bowls to Louis to wash up. He helped dry and put away the dishes which Louis deemed unnecessary but Harry insisted because he hated dishes being left in the sink. Once everything was clean, the boys decided to continue watching films (without the snacks) and stay snuggled under the blankets. And it helped that it was very gloomy outside so there weren't any annoying streams of light poking in and intruding their dark atmosphere.

The telly in the living room was playing _The Shining_. Harry put it in against Louis' will saying it wasn't that bad but Louis hated scary films,  _"especially that 'here's Johnny' guy."_  But he kept assuring him that he'd be fine and if Louis ever got spooked, he would be there to comfort him. And of course, Louis declined the offer and sat further away from Harry when the film started, a few throw pillows sitting in between them and then some. Harry rolled his eyes at the childishness but knew that he'd end up shivering on his lap by the end of the film, but Louis swore he wouldn't.

Now, there they were an hour and a half later and the pillows were moved and placed on the other side of the couch and a few scattered on the floor so Louis could be pressed against Harry's side. His legs were pulled to his chest with his face hiding behind his knees and Harry's fingers brushing at the nape of his neck to try to soothe his uneasiness. His glasses kept sliding down his nose, but he didn't care because the less he could see the better. Occasionally Harry would push them up whenever he saw they got too low. Every time he would feel Louis' body tense from a jump scare or what you have it, he'd look over and ask if he was okay and move his hand down to rub circles around his back to ease the tension. And every time Louis would nod even though he was dying inside. There were even times where Harry would kiss and rest his head on top of Louis' and say,  _"don't be scared Lou, I'm right here."_  What? He's a fragile boy.

The thing was,  _The Shining_  wasn't even that bad, in the beginning at least, but he knew it was going to get worse the crazier Jack got. He'd seen the film probably twice and he always hated it. Not that it was a bad film because the plot was nice but because he's never been a fan of horror. If he and Harry were going to be watching films together in the future, they're all going to be Louis' pick because, one, Harry liked horror and, two, he didn't care whether or not Louis did.

The endless nerves from watching the film along with the feeling of Harry's body pressed next to his and his fingers circling rounds of comfort all overwhelmed Louis, so he distanced himself from Harry growing uncomfortable with their proximity. It was comforting, of course, but almost too comforting and that's what frightened him. They  _just_  became friends. He didn't want to ruin everything by being too comfortable in Harry's presence, Harry's  _touch_.

"I think we should take a break," Louis said leaning back into the cushion.

Without pausing the film Harry looked over at him with knitted brows and suddenly feeling cold from Louis removing himself from his side. "Why, you scared?"

Louis rolled his eyes with a scoff. "Very much so." He unraveled himself from the blankets and went to stand.

But Harry pulled him back onto the couch by the wrist. "We can't just pause it, it'll ruin the flow." Louis squinted his eyes, shaking his head back and forth minimally, not understanding why Harry was being so stubborn about not pausing the film.

"Then you keep watching, I'm taking a break." He stood again but before he could walk away he was forcefully tackled to the couch, knocking the wind out of him. "Harry that hurt." He rubbed the spot on his head that hit the arm rest.

"Stay." Harry was really close, too close. He laid in between Louis' legs and their faces were centimeters apart. He just stared back not knowing what to do because, honestly, no one had ever been this close to him especially not in this way and it felt weird that of all people it was Harry. "I'm sorry, but stay. There's only an hour left and I want to finish it together."

"Please get off of me." It was starting to get bad. Louis' heart was racing, and his stomach was doing backflips. When Harry shifted his body, he unknowingly applied pressure on Louis' lower half and he tensed up. His mind went hazy and it was no longer Harry who was laying on top of him, but the heavier, uglier, stinkier, selfish  _Rory_. Using his skinny arms, he tried pushing Harry off him but it was no use. Harry was a jock and Louis was just a dainty little thing.

"Only if you finish the movie with me." Never did he budge nor did he notice that Louis was freaking out, thrashing against his body— mistaking it for play fighting.

The voice of honey brought Louis out of the nightmare playing in his head just slightly. But he knew if Harry weren't to move, he'd slip away. "You need to get off, Harry. Please, get off." His breathing was quickening, and his eyes were watering. He turned his head away from the person who was now just a figure above him so he wasn't as close and now he had troubling differentiating whether he was in a room with Rory or Harry. Because Rory is selfish and took what he wanted when he wanted it no matter the protests of the boy under him. And Harry is everything sweet and kind and pure and he'd never purposely but Louis in harms way. He'd listen to him when he told him to do something because he  _cared_. But the figure above him wouldn't move when he begged them to. "Get off, get off, get off." Louis begged louder and louder, pounding his fists on Harry's chest. "Please no, no, no, no, no. Get off. Please get off, get off, get off!"

Finally noticing the sudden change in mood, he lifted himself off of Louis but remained hovering over him, filled with confusion and concern. "Louis?"

"Get off, I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it." Louis was sobbing and writhing under Harry, trying his best to fight off the danger he thought himself to be in as he hit Harry all over his chest, arms, neck, face, everywhere. Anything to get him to go away.

"Kitten, stop. Wh-what's going on?" He wasn't a stranger to Louis' sudden slips, but he definitely wasn't accustomed to them. He grabbed Louis' wrists to stop the pounding against his body— for how dainty Louis looked he definitely had some strength in him— but that only made things worse. Louis' been restrained before. He's been pinned down and controlled and he hated it. This definitely wasn't Harry, he convinced himself of it. His body began to shake and he started to erratically flail his limbs in panic, anything to get  _him_  off. "No, no no, Louis stop. Stop." He grabbed Louis under the armpit and struggled to sit him up while his kicking and yelling and sobbing continued. "C'mere. Come here sweetness." He wrapped Louis in a tight, breathless hug, wanting to squeeze away all the trauma, all the bad things that were haunting him.

"Let me go, let me go, let me go!" As hard as Harry was trying to comfort Louis and get him to break out this trance he was in, he didn't know what helped and what made things worse. He didn't know what he went through and he didn't know what triggered him. He tried his best to implement what his mum did to help Louis a week ago but being so caught off guard and inexperienced, his mind was on Louis and not what happened a week ago.

But even then, this was a different situation. Louis wasn't zoned out or fixated and quiet, he was thrashing and crying and  _scared_ , so scared. This wasn't trying to ease him out of his mind, this was trying to break him out of reliving trauma in his past. This wasn't just a nightmare, but something that felt so real that he believed it to be true. This wasn't just something that reminded him of his past, it was his past.

"You're going to be okay. Don't be scared, it's me. It's Harry." He was beginning to remember the few times he did help Louis along with the mental notes he made when his mum brought him out with such tranquility and ease. "You're going to be okay, this is only temporary, I'm here, I'm right here." He rubbed at Louis' scalp, pushing deep and using long strides to help calm him. He pulled away to look Louis in the eye, his own prickling with tears threatening to spill out. Not only was Harry very sympathetic, but he was also terrified. He didn't know what to do or what he could do. He caused this but he didn't know how to undo it. But Louis seemed to calm down the slightest bit, still very much on edge. "You need to breathe. Breathe with me, follow me." He started taking in deep inhales through his nose and long exhales out his mouth for Louis to copy. He backed up to demonstrate with his hand— rising and falling to help show the breathing. "Talk to me kitten, what's your favourite film?" He remembered his mum trying to distract Louis from what was happening in his mind by getting him to list the things he saw. Louis' breathing was still short and rapid, trying to respond but nothing coming out. The only sounds coming out his mouth were soft grunts and squeaks. "C'mon, what's your favourite film?"

"Grease," it came out as a breathless whisper, barely audible. "Grease, Grease, it's Grease."

"Yes, good job. You're doing great Lou. Now tell me what your favourite thing about penguins are."

"The, the pe- the, the pebble. They bring pebbles-"

"No, no, it's okay. Short answers are okay. Can you tell me why? Why that's your favourite?" He wanted Louis to respond with short answers so he didn't have to think about a long answer, boggling his mind even more.

"Because it's cute." The crying was coming to a halt, and his breath was finally calming down.

Harry chuckled and nodded his head, a tear falling down his cheek. "It is cute, it is. What about that time when you were younger and you were finally able to complete the monkey bars? Can you tell me that story again? I loved that story." His hands were gripping onto Louis' tightly, his thumb stroking the palm of his hand. "I know you said friends don't hold hands, but I need to help comfort you."

A very soft, barely recognizable chuckle came from Louis' mouth before he said, "I was at the, at the, uh, the park. And for weeks I tried and tried but never got to the end because I wasn't strong enough and my hands would hurt. The kids would always laugh and tease me." His breathing picked up again, but Harry encouraged him to continue and not focus on that small detail. "After failing again and again for months, I was with my mum," a small smile crept on his face, "and she cheered me on;  _'you got this bub, you can do it.'_ " Harry smiled, his eyes drying. "And I did. I did. I finally did it."

Harry reached up and wiped the tears off Louis' cheeks as he was now calm and recovering from his panic attack. "How'd you feel after getting to the end of the monkey bars?"

"Strong. I felt accomplished and strong."

"You are strong Lou, you're so strong." They looked at each other with matching tear stained cheeks and reddened eyes.

"Why're you crying?" Louis asked Harry with a frown as if nothing just happened. As if the pounding and begging wasn't scary.

"Because I was scared kitten," Harry pressed his forehead against Louis'. "I was so scared and I didn't know what to do." A tear slipped down his cheek, picturing a helpless, fragile boy thrashing out and a curly haired boy struggling, not knowing how to help him.

"I'm sorry." Louis went to wipe a tear from Harry's cheek away, but his hands felt heavy. "You're holding my hands," he whispered looking down at them.

Harry chuckled and nodded his head. "I am."

Louis said, "Friends don't hold hands," but didn't attempt to move them away.

"Normal friends don't hold hands, but we do. We can hold hands whenever we want to. Like if you're scared, or you need to be comforted. You can hold my hand if it makes you feel safer. Or when you're nervous and need something to squeeze to rid those pesky nerves. Or maybe even just for fun, just because we can." Louis giggled because Harry was ridiculous, wasn't he? "And me too. You can hold my hand if you think I'm scared or need to be comforted or if you think I'm nervous or maybe if you just feel like it. There's nothing wrong with holding your friend's hand, not for us at least." There was a moment of silence where Harry watched Louis play with their hands— squeezing and pulling at their fingers, clasping and unclasping, drawing circles on Harry's palm. "I'm sorry for making you watch  _The Shining_  and I'm sorry for tackling you. I should've asked you first and gotten off the first time you told me to."

"'s not your fault.  _The Shining_  isn't that bad. It's just- there were just memories that came to me, bad memories. And-"

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me. Not right now at least. Don't feel obligated to tell me just because that happened. That's not how I want to know. I want to know when you want to tell me not when you feel like you have to tell me just because something happened."

"You're kind of great."

"I know," Harry smiled at the compliment. That was one of the only compliments that Louis' ever given him and he was going to cherish it forever. It was a simple sentence of four words, yet it had ten times the meaning.

_He trusts me._

_He trusts me._

_He trusts me._

Those three words were the only thing on Harry's mind.  
  


** 2:17 pm **

Harry loved sweets. Harry especially loved Louis' sweets. He's only had them once but my oh my did he love those biscuits. They were just the perfect texture with the perfect amount of tenderness to crispness ratio. And Louis knew that. Everyone loved his baking, that's why it came to no surprise when Harry practically begged Louis to make some sweets for the both of them on one condition; Harry could help, but not touch anything.

Something about Louis that Harry had grown to learn in these past few hours was that not only was Louis stubborn— he'd known that from the day they met— but he was a perfectionist. When he said to Harry not to touch anything, he thought it was a joke. He didn't expect his hands to get smacked away when trying to pour flour into a measuring cup, or to be hip-bumped out of the way when grabbing the eggs out the carton. Usually people would want help, not decline it when it was offered multiple times, but Louis mentioned how if Harry wants them to be good, he'd keep his hands away from the ingredients.

That statement dug deep into Harry's ego because he didn't think he was that bad of a baker and when he defended himself against Louis' harmful words, Louis rolled his eyes and scoffed in disbelief. That all lead to the competition the boys had in play: who could make the best brownies. Harry demanded Louis to retrieve him the utensils and dishes he would need since he didn't know where they were and got right down to business. This whole altercation just showed off each of their competitive sides because Louis would steal Harry's ingredients and Harry would hide Louis' utensils until he gave them back.

Anyone would think that this would be quick banter, but it went on the entire time. It got so heated that when Louis couldn't find his spatula, he threw flour at Harry and Harry retaliated by chucking an egg at Louis' head. It cracked upon impact against the back of his head and dripped down the back of his shirt. Cold, gooey egg whites. It was a surprise that either one of them was able to finish preparing their different versions of brownies, but they did. The aftermath of it all left the kitchen in a horrendous condition, but neither teens regretted it. It was fun even if they bickered the entire time.

"You know," Harry spoke as he pushed his pan into the oven next to Louis. "None of this would've happened if you would've let me help you."

Louis rolled his eyes as he pushed the buttons to set the oven to the right time and temperature. "There was no way you were going to taint my batch with your dirty fingers," he mocked, turning to face Harry while smacking his hands together to dust them off.

"You don't even know my potential!"

"Doesn't matter. If there's one thing I'm confident in myself for it's baking and I can't take any chances."

Harry shook his head, grabbing a towel and spinning it in his hands. "You're going down Tomlinson." He whipped Louis on the thigh with the towel evoking a squeal from the tiny boy.

"In your dreams Styles." As he walked by, Louis reached up and thumped Harry's forehead not caring for his fake complaints.

"C'mere." Without warning, Harry lifted Louis up by the armpits and sat him on the counter top. "You squeal a lot."

"Well, to be fair, you just manhandled me onto the counter and you should know I scare easily."

"Yeah, yeah. Everything about you is delicate and all that. Take a picture with me."

Louis rolled his eyes about being mocked and crossed his arms with a huff. "No."

"Why not?" Harry whined, shoving his face into Louis' with a pouted lip.

He slapped his small hand on Harry's face, pushing it away while giggling. "I don't do pictures, you know that."

"Yeah, but you let me take a picture of you last time."

"But this is a different day, with different circumstances. I look a total mess. I've got egg yolks and cocoa powder everywhere."

"If it means anything, I think you look wonderful."

It was best that Louis figured out sooner rather than later that Harry was quite literally a child. When a child asks for something and you refuse, they attempt to flatter you for you to change your mind. It might've worked the first time around, but Louis was not having it today. "Harry."

"I've got a mess all over myself as well. It won't be too bad, we can both ridiculous together." He pouted his lip again and fluttered his lashes, peering through them.

Louis was strong though, at least he thought he was. He always put his foot down when he didn't want to do something (with people he was comfortable with and when he didn't feel completely powerless). The only difference about every other time he had to put his foot down was that this time it was with someone so beautiful. It's cliche to always give in to the beautiful people, but isn't that how life is? Always agreeing to beautiful people you feel subordinate to?

And Louis knew Harry was putting on facade. He didn't like pictures, but it's definitely an idea that Harry would practically beg for pictures of him and this time isn't as bad. Yeah he looks worse, but at least Harry wants to be in the picture this time around because now he can't use it against him. It's wrong for his mind to always wander back to that place of distrust, but is it really that far fetched?

"Fine, just make it quick," Louis groaned, annoyed with himself for caving in so quickly without much of a fight.

Harry smiled, but he wasn't all that pleased. "It's fine if you don't want to. I'm not forcing you."

"It's fine. Take the picture before I change my mind." Harry smiled at Louis' somewhat willingness to take the picture so he pulled out his phone, quickly swiping his thumb towards the left to open the camera app. His lock screen was only visible for a fews seconds, if that, but Louis could've sworn that the image looked familiar. Obviously it wasn't something he had seen before but it definitely reminded him of something. It looked like a small boy standing under a tree with something on top of his head...

Call him crazy. Seriously do because he felt insane. There was absolutely no way in bloody hell that Harry's background was what he thought it was. No. Louis would not let himself believe that Harry used the picture he took of him at Regents as his lock screen. No he wasn't and he tried to push it away but for some reason he couldn't let it go.

"C'mon Louis, smile. Get the angry look off your face." Harry's voice snapped Louis out of his thoughts. He was dazed out for a few seconds, staring oddly at Harry's phone screen. Which he laughed and said, "earth to Louis," while snapping his fingers in front of his face.

"Huh, what?"

"Everything alright there, Lou?"

"Um, yeah sorry. Just spaced out a bit."

"Yeah, now smile. Look pretty for the camera." In attempt to make Louis in a better mood he poked his stomach and then booped his nose ever so gently and his could Louis not smile? He gave a small laugh and Harry quickly took a picture, leaning his head on Louis shoulder and having a big grin on his face as well. "Another."

"This isn't a photo shoot," Louis complained as he pushed Harry's face away when he did another pose. But of course that didn't stop him from taking a picture.

"Of course it is, come on. Don't be such a negative Nancy." Louis rolled his eyes and got back in frame with an odd look on his face. Harry thought it was adorable the way Louis furrowed his eyebrows and widened his lips even if it looked like he didn't want to be there. He took multiple pictures striking different poses while Louis just gave reactions to said ridiculous poses. Harry even propped his phone up on the opposite counter and took pictures using a self timer. The last picture that was taken was Louis still seated on the counter, gripping the edge and Harry slouching with his knees bent pursing his lips up at Louis who gave him a weird look and pushed him away with a single finger to the forehead.

When they were all finished, Harry brought his phone over to Louis and began scrolling through all the pictures, examining each one thoroughly. He couldn't lie, the pictures were actually kind of cute. Louis was laughing in some pictures and pouting in others, rolling his eyes and even screamed in one when Harry pinched him last minute. But his favourite was the one where Harry did the two second timer instead of the five second one so he ran back to get in position and slipped on an egg that dropped on the floor. The picture displayed Harry in the midst of falling and Louis with wide eyes and his jaw dropped.

As Harry scrolled through, Louis wanted to look at himself to make sure he looked okay, but he couldn't when there was such a beauty next to him. Because of that there was no use in looking anyway because obviously he wouldn't be able to compare so he put all of his attention on Harry. There was just something about the drying egg whites in his long curls and the flour dusting all over his perfect face that pulled at Louis' heartstrings. Maybe it was something about seeing someone so perfect having imperfections displayed all over them that was weird but lovely at the same time.

"You look so adorable in these Lou," Harry laughed as he stopped at the picture of Louis screaming. His face was contorted and his body tensed up. Instead of responding, Louis just bumped his shoulder into Harry's with a scold and a huff. "Right, well we still have an hour left, we should probably get cleaned up." Louis agreed and went to hop off the counter top when Harry went to stop him. "Give me a sec."

He walked over to the oven, snatching the towel from the handle and wetting it under the water. He made his way back to Louis and started wiping some of the food off of his face. "What are you doing?" No, he didn't mind. Why would he? As much as he tried to hold it back, he liked Harry— a lot— and his touches were always so soft and gentle, never wanting to hurt him.

"Wiping you clean, here." Harry wet another towel and handed it to Louis, standing in between his legs this time to get a better reach. Louis gave him a weird look, not understanding why Harry would give him a towel when he's already wiping down his face, but he slowly brought the towel up to his own face to clean it off. "No!" Harry laughed lightheartedly, his heart swelling at Louis' innocence. "Clean  _me_  up."

"Oh," Louis laughed back, wrapping the rag around his finger before swiping it across Harry's forehead and down his cheek. It was cute really and almost too intimate. Their bodies were close to each other and they were sat in a way too comfortable position, touching each other's faces. All was well though, Harry wasn't invading any of Louis' personal space that could possibly trigger him, especially since he was so gentle. Even when there was crusting yolk on Louis' cheek, Harry gripped the back of Louis' head to keep him in place and applied more pressure to scrape it off but it was still tender.

As nice as it was being so close to Harry, it really only made things worse for Louis. Being this close only enabled him to admire the little things about Harry when he was battling to get over the stupid crush he had on him. Harry had few impurities scattered across his face. He had a few freckles, no pores, long lashes, and from this angle you could really see the curve of Harry's plump top lip, but of course Louis wasn't looking. What was really hard to take his eyes off of were Harry's eyes. It's cheesy really, getting lost in someone's eyes and all that, at least Louis thought so, but it was different with Harry. Everything's different with Harry.

His eyes were a rich emerald green like the blades of freshly cut grass or an evergreen tree decorated for Christmas. They were so deep and Louis didn't know how to swim, he was drowning in them but he didn't mind. There were specks of gold and blue dispersed throughout his irises, reminding Louis of flowers randomly planted in a field of grass.

"Lou?" Harry's voice, once again, snapped Louis out the trance his eyes put him in.

"Yeah?" His voice was soft and his eyes were still locked on Harry's.

"Everything alright?" He laughed, poking Louis in the middle of his forehead with the nub of the towel.

"Yeah I um- your eyes..." Louis drifted off, still dazed from daydreaming about Harry's eyes.

"Yeah, I like yours too. They're quite captivating." He's already told Louis how he felt about his eyes, but it didn't hurt to say it again— not that Louis minded anyway.

"Yours too," Louis smiled, now snapping into reality. "I don't think the towels will work in our hair."

"No?"

Louis shook his head and gently pushed Harry back so he could hop off the counter. "Wait here." He disappeared up the stairs and into his room, not coming back until a few minutes passed with a few items in his hands. "Maybe it was a good thing it slipped my mind that I still had your clothes," Louis lied. He was well aware he had them, but Harry was a mess and needing to change and he didn't own anymore clothes that would fit him.

"Mhm." Harry didn't believe it one bit, but he let Louis have his fun with his lies.

"There's a standing shower in the bathroom over there. There's also some toiletries already in there so."

"Louis Tomlinson, a great host. Who would've thought?" Harry joked, taking steps closer to his neighbour.

"Take your things and go." Louis shoved the items in his hand into Harry's chest. "And hurry up before the brownies get burned, unless that's your plan to win."

"Be right back sugar." He winked and disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.   
  


** 3:42 pm **

It was a good thing that Louis took a quick shower because by the time he was done, so were the brownies and Harry was still in the shower. Luckily no harm was done to the sweets but that didn't stop Louis from scolding him when he got out the shower. As he waited he could hear Harry hum and softly sing a song, but it was muffled by the sound of the water pattering against the walls of the shower and the blaring sound of the fan. From what he could hear, though, it was nice. Really nice. He knew Harry had a good singing voice, he's heard it before, but even if he couldn't hear him that well, he sounded amazing. It could be because of the song that sounded so familiar to him or it could just be the simple fact that Harry sounded like an angel on earth— either way it was beautiful.

When Harry finally emerged from the bathroom with wet hair clinging to his neck and a few water droplets dripping down his face, it was like in those films where the hunk emerges from a sauna and is surrounded by steam and they look undeniably amazing. He looked so good but Louis pulled his eyes away and wiped the smile off his face before Harry could notice and instead attempted to reprimand him for not taking a quick shower like he suggested. Which led to a whole minor argument of why he had to be the one to take a quick shower when this was Louis' house. Louis argued it was because he was closest to the kitchen and he would be able to hear the beeping and tend to the sweets that were made.

He had a good argument and Harry knew that he was sort of in the wrong, but he just loved taunting Louis because when he's flustered it's the best thing to witness. He kept his argument that this was Louis' house and he should be responsible for not burning it down, not Harry. And when Louis realized that this argument was going absolutely nowhere because Harry was a literal child, he dropped it and started to wipe down the counters with Harry following suit not too long after.

It took about an hour to wipe down the kitchen to perfection because every single time they thought that they were done, they'd see a splat of flour in between the cabinets and the wall or cocoa powder lodged between the cracks in the tiled floors. Needless to say, the outcome was a somewhat pristine kitchen that definitely looked better than when they started baking. While they were cleaning, Louis put the brownies back in the oven to keep them warm.

"Louis, I'm telling you right now that you're going to be weak at your knees when you try my brownies," Harry spoke while removing his brownies from the pan and then cutting them into squares.

"Don't speak too soon monsieur," Louis replied as he cut his own brownies. "Wouldn't want to give your hopes up."

Harry only rolled his eyes, plating his brownies. "Who's going first?"

"We should go with the worst one first so the second brownie could wash the taste away." Louis thought he was being obvious that he was inferring they eat Harry's sweets first, but apparently not.

"Okay." Harry smiled, grabbing a brownie from Louis' plate getting him to pout but he grabbed one of his brownies as well and bit into it. "Good, good," he spoke through a mouthful of food. "I just have a few notes."

"Notes?" It was obvious Harry only said that to be a menace, but he couldn't help but feel offended. He had perfected his craft, there was no way he needed  _notes_.

"Yes,  _notes_."

Louis scoffed, taking another bite out of his perfectly delicious brownie. "Okay what?"

"I'd suggest whisking a bit more, there's clumps of batter that's uncooked and I'd lay off on the oil a bit, it's a tad greasy." If looks could kill, Harry would've been disintegrated within seconds. It was only a joke, the brownies were perfect but annoying Louis was fun. "I'm joking kitten," Harry laughed taking another bite. "It's perfect, as always."

"Yes I know," Louis scoffed, turning his body away from Harry. Only a few minutes more before they both finished the brownies and moved onto Harry's.

"Prepare your mind to be blown." Louis only rolled his eyes and grabbed a brownie from Harry's plate. What he didn't expect was for the brownie to completely melt in his mouth. The brownie literally just fell apart the second it hit his tongue which he didn't understand. How was Harry able to achieve that when they cooked their brownies for the same amount of time?

It wasn't fair and it made no sense but he kept it cool because he couldn't let Harry know they were really good after acting like a child himself. "Hm," he hummed with furrowed brows.

"How is it?" Harry asked hesitantly. He knew they were good, he too has perfected his recipe, but it was different from Louis' approach and maybe he didn't like soft brownies like he did.

"It's, um, it's alright." Which was a lie because they were absolutely amazing.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but it kind of sucks that you still lose."

"Wha- no way! I totally won. You loved it."

"They were good, but mine were better." Louis shrugged his shoulders, putting Harry's brownie on the counter after a few bites.

"You better finish that brownie! That's so rude." He was offended because Louis didn't eat all of his brownie like he did his.

"Calm down." Louis walked over to the fridge to pour himself a glass of milk to accompany the sweet brownie.

"You know what? I think I'm going to have to call reinforcements. I'm inviting Mo over."

"Why?" The thought of having someone else over did scare Louis because he didn't just have people over, especially if they're not his friend. But Monet was a sweet girl and it'd be the perfect opportunity to thank her for the flowers.

"Because we both have biased opinions and she'll definitely like mine better." Harry smirked, pulling out his phone and opening his contacts. Louis pouted because his brownies were good! They were and he definitely deserved to win.

"She'll have a biased opinion towards you because she used to be your girlfriend!" Louis exclaimed, being the sore loser he was.

"Hey, you could've dated her." The small boy rolled his eyes and plopped down onto a chair in the kitchen, crossing his arms over his chest.  
  
  


_[Harry]: come over to louis' house now!!!_

_[Monet]: What are you going on about Harry?_

_[Harry]: no time to talk. be here in 5_   
  
  


And just like that, Monet showed up to Louis' house in no time in complete confusion. She knocked on the door and much to her surprise Harry swung the door open, grabbing her sweater by her shoulder and pulling her into the house. "Took you long enough," he said.

"Well, I was kind of in the middle of something but you made it seem like an emergency so I had to tell them to leave," she responded, letting herself be dragged inside and taking in her surroundings. She's never been inside Louis' flat before but it's everything she thought it'd be. It looked and smelled very homey but it didn't feel like a home. There were tons of decor all over the house like picture frames, candles where the wick hadn't been burned, things hanging from the walls, etc. but it just felt empty and now she kind of understood Louis a bit better. Monet can feel the emptiness in the air despite being surrounded by so many things. She couldn't imagine living here for as long as Louis had and it was no wonder why Louis always felt so isolated.

Harry stopped in his tracks, gaping at Monet. "Oh, so we're seeing other people now?" He crossed his arms and popped his hip out with attitude. Both Monet and Louis quirked an eyebrow at him because they both knew that they were broken up.

"Oh I'm sorry, I was under the impression that you weren't into me."

"Hey! I didn't say I wasn't into you. You're the one who broke up with me."

"Because  _you're_  the one who said we had no future."

"I did not!"

Monet rolled her eyes, gearing her attention to Louis who was still sat in his chair, watching the two ex lovers bicker with raised brows. "Hi Louis," she smiled so sweetly, contradicting the tone she was just giving Harry a few seconds ago. "What was it that I was brought over here for?"

Harry rolled his eyes and grabbed Monet's arms to pull into the kitchen, knowing Louis probably wouldn't want to respond. "You're here to be a judge."

"For what?"

"We made brownies and can't decide which is better." Louis got up from his seat and walked back into the kitchen timidly, watching the two interact and he could see what Harry was talking about. They didn't interact like lovers, they interacted like brother and sister, bickering at each other one minute and talking normally the next. "These are mine and these are his."

It was hard for Louis to find his words, especially for someone as beautiful and at such a high caliber as Monet, but he mustered up the courage to speak. Because if he wasn't going to win fair and square, maybe he could win by flattery. "Hey, um, Monet?" His voice was soft and hesitant and it grabbed the attention of both Monet and Harry.

"Yes Louis?" Monet smiled at the tiny boy, reinforcing that she means no harm (something Harry had told her to do).

"I just, uh- I just wanted to thank you for the flowers and the note and all that. It was nice and totally unnecessary, but greatly appreciated. You really-"

"Uh uh, no. Absolutely not," Harry intervened, waving his finger in the air. "No. I'm not going to let you sway her with your irresistible eyes and tactics to pick your brownies."

"I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The sole reason I'm even here." Harry turned to Monet and said, "I heard that if you look in them long enough you could fall in love."

Again, Louis rolled his eyes, not being able to hide his fond smile. There were butterflies swarming in his stomach because did Harry just say fall in love? "I'm just thanking her for the flowers she so kindly gifted me. Do you want me to be rude and pretend nothing happened monsieur?"

"Oh of course not mon chéri, but don't do it until there won't be any biases." Monet watched the way the two boys interacted with each other and couldn't help the smile that grew on her face. It was so pure and they way they talked to each other was so much more than anything Harry and Monet had ever said to each other. Yeah, it was only jokes but there was some sort softness and admiration behind it. And whenever she and Harry joked it felt like it was simply that— a joke. Another thing she noticed was the French? She didn't know Harry spoke French and on top of that calling Louis sweet names in French? She's not assuming anything at all, but Harry only went as far as calling her  _babe_  and that's about it.

"There's already a bias! She was your girlfriend."

"Oh, trust me Louis," Monet began, waving her hand at the small boy, "if anything I'd have a bias on your behalf  _because_  Harry is my ex."

"Alright, enough chit chat. Just taste the brownies and give an  _honest_  opinion," Harry interrupted before things could be discussed.

"Okay, okay, chill out. Which one's which again?"

"No, no, we'll tell you after so there is little chances for biases." When Harry looked over at Monet he raised his brows at Louis who was trying to not so silently communicate to Monet which was which. "Excuse me Louis Tomlinson? And what do you think you're doing?"

Louis scoured away, clasping his hands behind his back and raising his brows. "Nothing, nothing. Just try the brownies." It had been a very long time since Monet had seen Louis talking so freely or seeing him be so comfortable around other people without stammering or being nervous. Like when she walked in he didn't clam up and stutter his words like he did in the beginning of the year. He was completely normal and acted like they knew each other.

Another thing, Monet found it funny how seriously Harry was taking this but made no comment on it because she knew just how competitive he could be. She experienced it firsthand. There was one time Harry and Monet were playing guess that song and when Harry was losing, he'd only play a second of a song for Monet and be very petty when she'd answer. If she was one letter off, he wouldn't give her the point. Or the time they wanted to see who was faster when Monet was talking about her being in track in the past. While they were running, not only did Harry start before Niall said go, he may have tapped on Monet causing her to take a tumble.

But she tried the brownies, Louis' first then Harry's, giving no hint to which she liked better. Her face was expressionless besides the furrowed brows she had as she chewed. When she was all done Harry offered her a glass of milk before Louis could that she kindly took to cleanse her palette. "So," she teased. Both boys looked at her in anticipation, eager for the answer. "They're both amazing, but-"

"Just tell us!" Harry interrupted. Louis rolled his eyes for the millionth time, shaking his head at Harry's competitiveness.

Pointing at Louis' brownies she said, "Well, these over here were absolutely delicious. Perfect texture, not too firm, not too soft, just the right amount of chips in them. But these-" she pointed to Harry's brownies, "-just melted in my mouth. Just as delicious. They were much softer and fluffier."

"So which one did you like better, Mo? We don't have all day."

She rolled her eyes and continued, wishing she knew which one was Harry's so she could give Louis the win since he was being annoying. "I really love the texture of these because it just falls apart in my mouth." Louis frowned, physically becoming upset— obviously not too upset— because he just lost to Harry Styles in a baking competition. Harry on the other hand had a shit eating grin on his face. He was so happy he was going to beat  _the_  Louis Tomlinson. "However, they were too sweet for me, so I'm gonna have to give the win to these." Their expressions switched where Louis was now smiling like a fool and Harry was pouting.

"What do you mean too sweet? They taste fine," the curly haired boy said with a mouthful of brownie.

"Sorry H, you lost fair and square."

"Told you not to get your hopes up," Louis taunted with a mocking smirk on his face as he walked by Harry to move the plates over to a different counter.

"Face it Harry, Louis' were better."

"Yeah, yeah. Get out now." Harry pushed Monet towards the door, trying to force her out the house.

"It was a pleasure Louis," Monet said over her shoulder as she was being shoved towards the door. Louis only nodded and smiled her way, laughing at Harry being a sore loser. "Oh and you're welcome for the flow-" was the last thing he heard before Harry closed the door in her face. There was a bang on the door and that was the end of that.

Harry slapped his hands together as if dusting them off saying, "good riddance," walking back into the kitchen.

"You could've been nicer to her, Harry," Louis quietly spoke.

"She was mean to me back!"

"But she's a woman."

"No she's not." Harry grabbed Louis' wrist and dragged him back to the living room. "She's the devil." They sat next to one another on the couch.

"So are you." Harry playfully rolled his eyes at the reference from the day before and pulled out his phone. The room fell silent and Louis didn't really know what to do. He felt like Harry was only joking around, but he couldn't help but feel like he was actually mad. "You're not mad at me, are you?"

He immediately looked at Louis with knitted brows, putting his phone down on his thigh. "No, of course not kitten. You deserved the win, your brownies were delightful."

Louis smiled at the compliment, looking down to his hands and started playing with the fabric of his sleeve. "Thank you. Yours were too by the way." When he looked back up Harry was smiling at him before going back to his phone.

This time, the room fell into a comfortable silence where Harry was scrolling through his phone and Louis' mind went to some place unknown for minutes on end. It was weird being in the same room as someone else and not talking but feeling content. Like just being in the same room as Harry was nice even if they weren't talking or doing anything. It beats being alone, which was something Louis never thought would cross his mind. He loved being alone, taking time to himself, but he loved hanging out with Harry even more and it was all just so new and weird.

It wasn't long until a loud ding interrupted the tranquility of the household. "What's that?" Harry looked over to Louis whose expression was soft but at the same time nervous? The phone chimed again, the screen lighting up from the table and Louis panicked. Harry checked his phone for any notifications but there weren't any. "That's not my phone."

Louis gulped and wiped his palms on his sweats. "I-it's not?"

"No, my ringer is the beep from Kim Possible, you know the beep beep beepbeep." A wave of realization flooded over him and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Louis William Tomlinson," he gasped. He pounced towards the table grabbing the phone with Louis doing the same to get it away from him. "Let go." The phone was tugged away from Louis' grip, but that didn't stop him from trying to get the phone back because he didn't have a password and he could tell Harry was a snoop.

"Harry give it back!" he yelled chasing after the boy.

"No, I feel so betrayed." He ran backwards for a few steps before stopping. "Let's see what else you lied to me about." Louis tried to grab the phone, but Harry held it above his head as far as his arms could reach.

"I didn't lie about anything." Even though it was impossible, Louis still tried to get his phone, jumping and swinging his arms in the air.

Harry gasped loudly and widened his eyes when seeing the notification that Harry just sent him a post. "You said you had no social media." He opened the phone and searched through it.

"I don't, Harry. Give it back." 

"Yeah? What's this then?" He showed Louis the screen opening Instagram. "You opened my messages and never replied or even followed me back?" Harry dropped his arms to his sides and stared at Louis kind of hurt, kind of sad.

"I didn't think you'd want me to." Louis stopped trying to get the phone back, feeling guilty that Harry was offended.

But Harry didn't want Louis to be upset so he said, "You owe me big time. I can't believe you lied to me all this time." He shook his head, tsking his tongue while hitting the phone against the palm of his hand. "All men do is lie."

"There's nothing I can do for you."

"Don't say that, of course there is." He smiled and stepped closer to the smaller boy.

Louis' heart was beater faster and faster the closer he got. The palms of his hands were sweating and his legs were tingling. He didn't like the sound of Harry's words or the expressionless face he had on. It shouldn't have reminded him of Rory, but it did. "I don't think- what do you want me to do?" After all, he was always taught to obey and never question.

"Don't be nervous love, I'd never hurt you." The touch Harry left on Louis' wrist was so soft and comforting that his heart slowed down and the tingles stopped, calming all the nerves he previously had.

"What do you want me to do?" Louis whispered looking down.

Harry tipped Louis' head back up with a single finger and smiled. "I just want a hug. I want to hug you and for you to hug me back. A hug so warm and tight that you'll never want to let go."

"A hug? That's it?"

"That's it. If you'd let me, of course." It went quiet and Louis never made eye contact with Harry but Harry kept his eyes on him trying to gage his emotions. "Can I do that? Can I give you a hug?"

"You don't want anything else? Like I don't know something be-"

"I just want a hug Lou, that's all I want." They locked eyes and Louis looked uncertain if that was really all Harry wanted and if he should actually do it. It's been a  _long_  time since he's hugged someone, or even willingly touched someone (the night went to Harry's didn't count as a hug, to Louis at least). "Can I?" Louis gave a small nod and a smile appeared on Harry's face. He carefully stepped closer saying, "You've gotta hug me back, okay?" Harry didn't wrap his arms around Louis' waist until he gave one final nod. Louis' arms were hung loosely around Harry's shoulders. "Hold me tighter Lou," he said softly as he tightened his arms, dropping his head onto Louis' shoulder to rest. And Louis did just that. He held Harry closer and tighter, trying to mimic Harry's actions.

There was something about the hug that comforted Louis. Of course. It was a strong, tight hug and the way Harry held him was firm yet so soft and careful like if he was afraid of hurting Louis. He didn't know how to explain it. The fact that he hadn't willingly given someone a hug since he was eleven, not even his family, blew his mind and he wasn't sure why he agreed to it now. But he wasn't going to let that thought or the thought of Rory or his classmates stop himself from enjoying this hug.

And for Harry, he felt something, unsure of what that something was. He felt great, warm, content,  _happy_. It felt nice to finally feel like he was breaking all of Louis' walls down. It was just a hug but it symbolized so much more than that. This was a friendship. This was no longer Harry chasing after Louis; this was both parties finally coming together as one. Besides that, Harry just loved hugs. Especially, now that he's experienced it, Louis' hugs. He liked the way his tiny body felt in his arms and the way Louis' tiny arms delicately wrapped themselves around Harry's shoulders and the way Louis had to step on his tiptoes to reach. He liked it very much.


	27. like a guardian angel, fighting away the demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to try something new and if ya'll hate it just let me know. it's not my favourite layout but i was running out of time.

mood: sunday best- surfaces  
  
  
  
  


** Sunday, October 21st 10:14 am **

_[Harry]: good morning kitten (:_

_[Louis]: You texted yourself from my phone?_

_[Harry]: well i'm sure you weren't going to give me your number if i asked_   
_[Harry]: what if you're in danger or need an emergency rescue, how are you going to contact me?_

_[Louis]: I won't. I'd call 999._

_[Harry]: seriously? before calling me? ):_

_[Louis]: Yes Harry._   
_[Louis]: How is that even in question?_

_[Harry]: i want a nickname, i gave you one ):_

_[Louis]: Error._

_[Harry]: NOOOOO!!! NOT THAT ONE_

_[Louis]: That's going to be your contact name._

_[Harry]: nooo, do that and... okay i don't know what, but i'm going to figure something out_

_[Louis]: Trust me, I'm not scared._

_[Harry]: what's got you all brave now? was that hug really that life changing?_

_[Louis]: I wouldn't say that._

_[Harry]: why do you always reject me ):_

_[Louis]: Why do you always nag?_

_[Harry]: ö_   
_[Harry]: louis_

_[Louis]: Harry._

_[Harry]: why do you always bully me_

_[Louis]: I just like to see your reaction monsieur, no hard feelings._

_[Harry]: ugh_   
_[Harry]: what're you doing today_

_[Louis]: Why?_

_[Harry]: just trying to make conversation kitty_

_[Louis]: Oh, well I'm not so sure how to do that._

_[Harry]: i can tell boi. but that's okay, we can work on that_

_[Louis]: Yeah but_   
_[Louis]: I don't know._

_[Harry]: hey, you're getting better at the face to face conversations so texting will be a breeze. give yourself some credit_

_[Louis]: I just don't know what to say._

_[Harry]: say anything_

_[Louis]: What if you don't care what I have to say?_

_[Harry]: don't say that, of course i'll care and you know it. i want to know everything that goes through that encephalon of yours_

_[Louis]: Encephalon._

_[Harry]: i did that just for you (;_   
_[Harry]: i know you liked that_

_[Louis]: Maybe a little._   
_[Louis]: You googled it didn't you?_

_[Harry]: do you not have faith in the capacity of my knowledge monsieur?_

_[Louis]: Well I never said that._

_[Harry]: but you insinuated it_

_[Louis]: You're smart in an unconventional way._

_[Harry]: what's that supposed to mean mr tomlinson?_

_[Louis]: You're not entirely book smart, and that's fine. And I wouldn't really say you're street smart either, but you're very wise for your age._

_[Harry]: um, thanks?_

_[Louis]: It's not a bad thing. It's actually quite nice because we, in one way or another, balance._

_[Harry]: look at you thinking of us as friends_   
_[Harry]: you know, i think you're incredibly smart. i'm sure you know that already but whatever_

_[Louis]: I'm at the top of the class._

_[Harry]: okay no need to flex lou_   
_[Harry]: i've been in my room all day thinking about you_

_[Louis]: Um, why?_

_[Harry]: well bc my feet are propped up on my headboard and i've been staring at my sunflower_   
_[Harry]: oh yea, i named the sunflower lulu (;_

_[Louis]: I still think that's a little weird._

_[Harry]: i quite like it_   
_[Harry]: i find it suiting that you're favourite flower is a sunflower_

_[Louis]: How come?_

_[Harry]: i did some research on the sunflower and discovered that they're pretty cool, so that's already fitting. but i read about the symbolism of sunflowers and their a symbol of endurance and strength to persevere through hardest moments._   
_[Harry]: i don't know what you went through, but seeing how you are today compared to when we first met shows strength and perseverance and i'm really proud of you._   
_[Harry]: i also read about in greek mythology some chick turned into a sunflower from mourning the loss of her love, apollo i think. and she'd always turn to the sun in hopes that apollo's carriages would return_   
_[Harry]: i don't really know what that means but whatever_

_[Louis]: What's that have to do with me?_

_[Harry]: oh, it doesn't. i kind of forgot i was comparing you to the sunflower_   
_[Harry]: okay so sunflowers always turn their head in the direction of the sun, yearning for the warmth of rays and i feel like you subconsciously do the same. like now that you've blossomed out of that shell you've been in for years, you're learning to follow the things that make you happy or anything that makes you feel something other than sadness_

_[Louis]: It doesn't feel that way._

_[Harry]: what do you mean?_

_[Louis]: I don't know, it just doesn't feel like that— the way you described it. I still feel stuck._   
_[Louis]: I don't really know how to describe it._

_[Harry]: no, i get what you're trying to say. i think it's because you have a bias. you don't necessarily see your progress because you live with yourself if that makes any sense_   
_[Harry]: like you know how we don't see ourselves growing up because we see ourselves everyday, but to a distant family member or family friend who hasn't seen us in a while sees how much we've changed?_   
_[Harry]: it's kind of the same thing. i'm on the outside so i'm able to see your progress better_

_[Louis]: I never thought of it that way. It does make sense though._

_[Harry]: see, smart in an unconventional way and all that_

_[Louis]: Yeah, yeah._

_[Harry]: oh, another thing about sunflowers that i found funny when comparing them to you was that sunflowers are taller than you lmao_   
_[Harry]: a typical sunflower typically grows anywhere from 1.83-3 meters and you're like 1.43 meters_

_[Louis]: I am not!_   
_[Louis]: I'm like 1.75._

_[Harry]: NO YOU'RE NOT AHAHAHA_   
_[Harry]: lou don't even try. you're not fooling anyone_

_[Louis]: I am!_

_[Harry]: if you're 1.75 than i'm 2 meters_

_[Louis]: That's so unrealistic._

_[Harry]: so was your answer so i guess we're one and the same_

_[Louis]: Whatever._

_[Harry]: hey, don't be upset. they have a name for sunflowers like you. they're miniature sunflowers_ 🥺

_[Louis]: I wasn't upset, but now I am._

_[Harry]: lolololol_   
_[Harry]: i'm sorry lou_

_[Louis]: No you're not._

_[Harry]: true_   
_[Harry]: BUT i like that you're so tiny and compact. it's cute_

_[Louis]: Harry. You can't just say things like that._

_[Harry]: sun_   
_[Harry]: but i can see you smiling ):_

_[Louis]: Are you..._

_[Harry]: look out the window_

_[Louis]: Excuse me?_

_[Harry]: i'm joking_ 😂 _but you admitted to smiling so point: harry_

_[Louis]: Wait, I want points. How do I get points?_

_[Harry]: by stepping out of your comfort zone... doing things you don't usually do_

_[Louis]: Like?_

_[Harry]: texting me (: louis: 1_

_[Louis]: The hug?_

_[Harry]: okay, louis: 2_

_[Louis]: What about us hanging out? Louis: 3_

_[Harry]: what_

_[Louis]: And you slept over.. twice Louis: 5_

_[Harry]: stop_

_[Louis]: You came into my house that one time when I didn't want you to Louis: 6_

_[Harry]: louis_

_[Louis]: letting you walk with me to school Louis: probably like 66_

_[Harry]: letting me?_

_[Louis]: You took me home that one time Louis: 67_

_[Harry]: okay, now you're just taking advantage of me for your points_

_[Louis]: I didn't make the rules._

_[Harry]: fine. being able to sleep over your house twice harry: 3_

_[Louis]: What are you doing?_

_[Harry]: you hugging me harry: 4_

_[Louis]: How is that fair?_

_[Harry]: every time i was the reason you did something you usually don't do_   
_[Harry]: you talked to me harry: 6 (i'll only count the first two times bc i don't take advantage of people unlike some people...)_

_[Louis]: Whatever_

_[Harry]: every time i made you smile harry: 32_

_[Louis]: You kept count?_

_[Harry]: of course sugar_   
_[Harry]: you cuddled with me harry: 33_

_[Louis]: What, when was this?_

_[Harry]: you slept on my lap harry: 34_

_[Louis]: But you told me to._

_[Harry]: but i didn't force you_

_[Louis]: So 34?_

_[Harry]: i'm not done_   
_[Harry]: you let me in your house: 35_

_[Louis]: *You forced yourself into my house._

_[Harry]: you don't tense around me as much anymore harry: 36_

_[Louis]: You noticed the tensing?_

_[Harry]: i notice everything_

_[Louis]: Anything else?_

_[Harry]: regents: 37_   
_[Harry]: you held my hand: 38_

_[Louis]: Okay enough. That's it, right?_

_[Harry]: you know what's coming_ 😈

_[Louis]: What?_   
_[Louis]: No..._

_[Harry]: oh yea. you letting me walk with you to school harry: 98_

_[Louis]: That's so not fair. You're like 30 points ahead of me_

_[Harry]: i don't make the rules_   
_[Harry]: oh wait, i do_

_[Louis]: Bias_

_[Harry]: nope, fair game. final score harry: 98 louis: 67_

_[Louis]: Whatever_

_[Harry]: don't be upset love, you still have plenty of time to win points_

_[Louis]: Wait.. shouldn't we have the same amount of points since we're both gaining from the same topic?_

_[Harry]: ...no?_

_[Louis]: Yes_

_[Harry]: woah woah woah_   
_[Harry]: are you saying that i'm the only reason you smile and do things?_

_[Louis]: Um, no..?_

_[Harry]: you so are. omg i'm honoured_

_[Louis]: Think whatever you want._

_[Harry]: louis likes me (((:_   
_[Harry]: hey, you know how you can gain points to even out the score?_

_[Louis]: How?_

_[Harry]: (:_

_[Louis]: ..._

_[Harry]: it's easy_

_[Louis]: What is it?_

_[Harry]: send a pretty pretty picture of yourself to me_   
_[Harry]: or two: one with glasses and one without (:_

_[Louis]: Absolutely not._

_[Harry]: whhhyyy noottt_

_[Louis]: I don't take pictures of myself. You should know that by now._

_[Harry]: but you're so pretty )):_   
_[Harry]: wait, is this one of those times where you lie to me and actually do have selfies in your camera roll?_

_[Louis]: No._

_[Harry]: well can you take some for me?_

_[Louis]: No._

_[Harry]: if you do, i'll send you an unflattering picture that mo mo took of me_

_[Louis]: Tempting, but still not going to happen. If I wanted that I could just take some of my own._

_[Harry]: ooo, so you'd take pictures of me? i've got to keep that in mind next time i see you so i make sure i look my best_

_[Louis]: Not what I meant, Styles._

_[Harry]: please kitten_ 😞

_[Louis]: (image attached)_

_[Harry]: if i didn't know any better i'd actually think that was you. it's really hard to find a difference_

_[Louis]: Shut up._

_[Harry]: stop smiling then harry: 99_

_[Louis]: Louis: 99_

_[Harry]: wait, no. that wasn't a picture of yourself mon chérie_

_[Louis]: It's close enough, right?_

_[Harry]: nope. louis: 68_   
_[Harry]: (image attached)_

_[Louis]: ..._

_[Harry]: what_

_[Louis]: That's your unflattering picture?_

_[Harry]: okay so maybe that wasn't the unflattering picture i promised_

_[Louis]: I was about to say..._

_[Harry]: say what?_

_[Louis]: Nothing._

_[Harry]: what? you think i'm pretty or something?_

_[Louis]: It's a nice picture, yeah._

_[Harry]: but do you think i'm pretty_

_[Louis]: Don't know if I should answer that._

_[Harry]: why not_

_[Louis]: Because like... I don't know._

_[Harry]: because you're afraid i'm going to think you like me?_

_[Louis]: I mean..._

_[Harry]: *sigh*_   
_[Harry]: louis tomlinson don't you ever hold yourself back from me bc you're scared that your sexual preferences will have a negative effect on me_   
_[Harry]: i can promise you that i will appreciate you no matter who or what you are or decide to be_

_[Louis]: Sorry._

_[Harry]: no need to apologise, i understand. it's a scary place in this world and the people in it are even scarier. it's scary to be yourself nowadays, especially in high school where everyone is ignorant and all the boys have fragile masculinities. but please please please promise me you'll be 100 percent yourself around me_   
_[Harry]: and i know it's going to take some time and trust, but i want to see the louis no one else sees and show him to the world. i want to show everyone on the wonderful person they're missing out on_

_[Louis]: So like... you don't mind that I'm gay?_

_[Harry]: no? why would i?_   
_[Harry]: do you mind that i like apples but not carrots?_

_[Louis]: No?_

_[Harry]: then why would i mind if you happen to prefer one thing over another?_

_[Louis]: Don't know. People have different beliefs and religions._

_[Harry]: true_   
_[Harry]: but you don't have to worry about any of that. i don't think i'd be so persistent or hold your hands or gives you soft little kissies when you're sad if i was opposed to the idea of you liking boys. everyone deserves love no matter who they love_

_[Louis]: Hm._

_[Harry]: what is it love?_

_[Louis]: I mean, I don't really know what to say._   
_[Louis]: Thank you?_

_[Harry]: no need to thank me lou, everyone deserves happiness and i want that for you_

_[Louis]: Yeah._

_[Harry]: huh_

_[Louis]: You do look pretty in that picture._

_[Harry]: ((:_   
_[Harry]: thank you_

_[Louis]: Of course._

_[Harry]: so no picture of you?_

_[Louis]: I don't think so._

_[Harry]: /:_   
_[Harry]: guess i'm going to have to put the picture of the kitten you sent as your contact picture /:_

_[Louis]: You don't need a contact picture of me._

_[Harry]: yes i do. wanna see your face whenever you call_

_[Louis]: Who said I'm going to call you?_

_[Harry]: me (:_   
  


 

** 12:47 pm **

_[Harry]: hello?_   
  


 

** 2:25 pm **

_[Harry]: louis?_   
  


 

** 3:43 pm **

_[Harry]: ):_   
  


 

** 4:52 pm **

_[Harry]: why are you ignoring me ):_

_[Louis]: Sorry, I was busy._

_[Harry]: oh, with what_

_[Louis]: I was just doing stuff._

_[Harry]: like what_

_[Louis]: I don't know, stuff? Why?_

_[Harry]: bc i wanna know what was so important that you left me lonely_

_[Louis]: Lonely? You've had my number for less than 24 hours and you're already lonely?_

_[Harry]: yea, i missed you. what'd you do or where'd you go?_

_[Louis]: I visited me nan..._

_[Harry]: how cute, how is she?_

_[Louis]: What?_

_[Harry]: how is she? is she doing good? is her day going swell? did she like the smell of the cool breeze this morning bc i know i did. does she need someone to give her flowers bc i'll do it._

_[Louis]: Yeah, she's fine._

_[Harry]: you okay?_

_[Louis]: What do you mean?_

_[Harry]: just that. you seem down_

_[Louis]: How? We're texting._

_[Harry]: yea, but i can just feel it_

_[Louis]: I'm fine Harry._

_[Harry]: no you're not, i'm coming over_

_[Louis]: No, don't._

_[Harry]: why not?_

_[Louis]: Well, I mean, I'm not home._

_[Harry]: where are you then?_

_[Louis]: In the car._

_[Harry]: the one in the drive?_

_[Louis]: Why are you looking at my house?_

_[Harry]: is that a yes? i'll come and join you_

_[Louis]: No, not that car. I'm on my way home._

_[Harry]: ohh, from seeing your nan?_

_[Louis]: No._

_[Harry]: then where?_

_[Louis]: Doesn't matter._

_[Harry]: fine, have your secrets_   
_[Harry]: just know.. secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone_

_[Louis]: You watch The Office?_

_[Harry]: of course, only one of the greatest shows of all time. i'm surprised you do_

_[Louis]: Why?_

_[Harry]: i don't know, you just don't seem like you'd enjoy it, like the dry humour and all, but i stand corrected_

_[Louis]: It's one of my favourites._

_[Harry]: have you finished it?_

_[Louis]: Like 3 times._

_[Harry]: we should rewatch it together_

_[Louis]: Really?_

_[Harry]: yea, it'll be fun_

_[Louis]: Sure, I'm always up to watch it again._

_[Harry]: with me?_

_[Louis]: I mean, you can be there._

_[Harry]: say you want to watch it with me_

_[Louis]: I want to rewatch The Office and you can be there if you want._

_[Harry]: together, we're going to watch it together_

_[Louis]:_ _◔_ ⌣ _◔_

_[Harry]: say it lou_

_[Louis]: ...We can watch it together..._

_[Harry]: ((((((((:_   
_[Harry]: i'm so happy_

_[Louis]: It's just a show, Harry._

_[Harry]: but you're doing things!!!!!_

_[Louis]: I always do things._

_[Harry]: no like.. you know_

_[Louis]: Yeah, yeah._

_[Harry]: i don't think anyone makes me smile as much as you do_

_[Louis]: Don't say that._

_[Harry]: why not? do you want me to lie?_

_[Louis]: No, but it makes me feel weird._

_[Harry]: happy?_

_[Louis]: No, just weird._

_[Harry]: i don't make you happy?_

_[Louis]: I didn't say that._

_[Harry]: so i do?_

_[Louis]: I didn't say that either._

_[Harry]: /:_

_[Louis]: Sorry._

_[Harry]: what for_

_[Louis]: I don't know. I don't want to make you feel bad._   
_[Louis]: I didn't mean weird in a bad way, it's just different, you know?_

_[Harry]: i know what you meant_   
_[Harry]: i don't like when you apologise to me_

_[Louis]: Why?_

_[Harry]: bc you owe me nothing. you always apologise and it makes me feel like you think i expect more from you_

_[Louis]: It's just a habit._

_[Harry]: it's not a bad habit to have, lou, but it just makes me feel bad that you feel the need to apologise_

_[Louis]: I'll try to stop._

_[Harry]: don't change for me baby, you're perfect the way you are. but i'm so glad you're willing to try louis: 69 (;_

_[Louis]: I'm not perfect._

_[Harry]: you are to me_

_[Louis]: Louis: 70, Harry: 100_

_[Harry]: i made you smile?_

_[Louis]: Maybe._

_[Harry]: i think we're soulmates_

_[Louis]: Um.. what?_

_[Harry]: we're soulmates_

_[Louis]: But you're not..._

_[Harry]: yea, maybe not romantically but definitely as friends_   
_[Harry]: like we were destined to meet_

_[Louis]: You think?_

_[Harry]: you don't?_

_[Louis]: Well, I don't know. I haven't had too many friends in my life, none that lasted at least, so I don't think I have room to say._

_[Harry]: that's okay, you don't need a lot of friends. all you need is me if that's even what you want. quality over quantity, right?_   
_[Harry]: and if you don't want me at anytime just tell me and i'll go, but just because i leave doesn't mean i won't care for you_

_[Louis]: Why do always get so sentimental?_

_[Harry]: bc i have feelings lewis and i share them with you to make you feel more comfortable if you ever want to share yours with me_

_[Louis]: You're such an oak tree Henry._

_[Harry]: excuse me, what?_

_[Louis]: You're an oak tree._

_[Harry]: what does that even mean_

_[Louis]: ..._   
_[Louis]: Because you're sappy._

_[Harry]: ohmygod_   
_[Harry]: louis made a joke_   
_[Harry]: he made a joke!!_   
_[Harry]: but that was really bad kitty_

_[Louis]: It wasn't that bad._

_[Harry]: it really was_

_[Louis]: Come on, it was pretty funny._

_[Harry]: no, absolutely not_

_[Louis]: Like you could come up with better._

_[Harry]: i could_

_[Louis]: Fire away._

_[Harry]: why don't eggs tell jokes?_

_[Louis]: Why?_

_[Harry]: because they'd crack each other up_   
_[Harry]: lmaoo_

_[Louis]: That was worse than mine._

_[Harry]: no it wasn't_

_[Louis]: Yes it was._

_[Harry]: i laughed_

_[Louis]: Exactly my point._

_[Harry]: what's that supposed to mean_

_[Louis]: Nothing, error._

_[Harry]: NOOOOOOOO_

_[Louis]: (_ _◕_ _‿_ _◕_ ✿ _)_

_[Harry]: you're so precious_   
_[Harry]: let me know when you get home yea?_

_[Louis]: How come?_

_[Harry]: i really want a louis hug_

_[Louis]: Harry..._

_[Harry]: don't fight me on this_   
_[Harry]: please?_

_[Louis]: Well, I actually just pulled into the driveway..._

_[Harry]: WAIT DON'T GO INSIDE YET I'M COMING_   
  


Harry sprung out of bed and sprinted down the stairs and out the door, earning a few looks from his parents. As he ran out the house, he saw Louis get out the passenger seat of the car and his mum stepping out the driver's side. "Louis," Harry yelled running across the street with a big smile on his face. Wind blew his curls back and dried out his eyes but all he wanted was a hug from Louis so he just blinked away the tears and ran with blurry vision.

When he got out the car, Louis turned around to the sound of his name and couldn't help the small smile from forming on his lips. "Be careful. What are you doing?" Louis said loudly with concern when Harry ran across the street without looking both ways. A giggle escaped his lips when Harry spread his arms out as with his tongue and shook his head. "Slow down, slow down." Harry was charging towards him and only slowed down a little bit before tackling him into the biggest, warmest, tightest hug he'd ever given. He wrapped his arms tightly around Louis' shoulders and instinctively put his head at the crook of his neck. While Louis, on the other hand, stumbled backwards hitting his back against the door.

"I'll be inside," Laura said with a fond smile walking towards the house. Louis loosely wrapped his arms around Harry's waist.

"Sunshine," Harry smiled, pulling arms length away.

"Hi," Louis smiled back.

"I missed you."

"You did?"

"Yeah." He slid his hands down to Louis' and held them loosely and slowly swung them side to side. "How was your day?"

Louis looked down to their hands and quickly looked back up. "It was fine." Harry nodded his head and looked around behind Louis. "Um, how was yours?"

"Boring, lonely. So what'd you do today that you didn't want to tell me about?"

"It's not that important."

"It is to me."

"Harry."

"Sunshine." Louis looked down to try to hide his smile. If Harry was going to continue with these nicknames, it was going to be harder and harder for him to get over the stupid crush he had on him. "Your smile is one of my favourite things in the world."

"I um, I volunteer at a wild animal rescue shelter." His face flushed pink not only from what Harry said, but also in embarrassment because he was afraid Harry was going to think it was lame.

"Really?" His face was unreadable which made Louis even more nervous, so he nodded sheepishly, looking back to the ground. "Why are you shaking?" Harry squeezed Louis' hands.

"Just nervous," Louis replied shakily, eyes watering. He didn't want to lose Harry as a friend and by admitting what he just did, Louis felt like he was going to think it was dumb.

"No, no, no, don't cry. It's okay." He wiped the tear that was threatening to leave Louis' eye away. "Why're you nervous?"

"Because I just- I don't know why I said that," he chuckled and shook his head, taking his hands away from Harry's and wiped them on his pants. "I'm sorry, I know it's lame. I don't- I shouldn't have told you that. I uh, I don't why I-" he cut himself off getting more and more insecure every second that passed. Of course  _he_  thought it was cool volunteering to help injured animals and building relationships with them. But did he think other people would find it cool? Absolutely not.

"No, precious, stop." He grabbed Louis' hands again and brought them to his chest holding them tightly. "I think it's really cool that you volunteer for that. Don't be insecure about the things you love. Embrace them and love them because that's what makes you you."

"I love it there and I'm not really ashamed of volunteering. It's a life changing place and I've learned a lot from those animals."

"What is it then?"

"I don't know. I guess I just don't want to lose you as a friend because you think it's lame."

"Lou?" Louis hummed in response, tapping the tip of his shoes against Harry's. "Look at me?" He looked up, pulling his lip to the side and biting his cheek. "It's going to take time, I know, but I'm not those other people, okay? I'm not going to tease you for something you love."

"I know, I'm just used to it." Looks like hard work really does pay off. Louis trusted Harry and he couldn't stop the smiling that formed on his lips.

"I get it. I'm not hurt by it at all. I just want you to know that it's okay to enjoy the things you do no matter what anyone else thinks."

"I'll try."

Harry smiled and whispered, "good," before pulling Louis into another hug. "You know," he began, pulling away from the embrace. "I think that's pretty cool. Seriously. Maybe you could invite me sometime."

"I'd have to ask the supervisors first to see if it's okay because they're always weary of newcomers. The animals are total softies but, you know, new scents can put them off."

"Sure, just ask, yeah?"

"Do you not trust me?" Louis asked as he walked to his front porch to sit on one of the chairs.

"Don't know honestly. Sort of felt betrayed the last night not gonna lie," Harry replied, bending over so that his arms and chin rested on the wooden railing to look at Louis. He was bent over and thank god he was tall enough because there was a small garden that he had to reach over to get to the railing.

"Sorry."

"'s fine. No need to apologise. I'm just messing around. Of course I trust you, I just don't want you to not actually ask and then tell me they said no."

"I won't."

"Promise?" He stuck his pinky out in front of him waiting for Louis to do the same.

Louis playfully rolled his eyes, interlocking his pinky with Harry's and leaned forward to kiss his thumb. "Promise."

With their pinkies still interlocked, Harry laid his head on his arm and smiled with his eyes closed. "What kind of animals are they?" When he opened his eyes Louis was smiling at him like a fool, blushing when he was caught and quickly looked away. "Oh, what? You were all big and bad yesterday and now you're all shy again?" Louis' face flushed a deeper pink as he tried to hide it in his own shoulder away from Harry. "Louis' blushing," he cooed, swinging their hands back and forth.

"I'm just very competitive," Louis whispered with a giggle.

"Oh, I could've told you that." Louis finally looked back to Harry with a soft smile on his face. "So, tell me. What kind of animals are they?"

Keeping the smile on his face, he flicked his head to his side gesturing for Harry to sit in the chair next to him. While Harry released their pinkies and made his way over to the chair Louis said, "they're wild animals, Harry, what do you think?"

"I don't know," Harry shrugged, plopping down on the chair, "squirrels are wild animals."

Louis rolled his eyes at Harry being a smart arse. "Because we'd need to rescue a bunch of squirrels."

"For all I know that place could be filled with squirrels."

"Lions, Harry. Lions, tigers, hyenas, bears, monkeys, chimpanzees, deer, and all that."

Harry sat wide eyed, in shock. When Louis said wild animal rescue he thought it was going to be birds, squirrels, rats, and other small animals around Britain. Not bears, tigers, and lions. "Woah, uh, what? How do they even have lions?"

"Any of the animals that aren't native to Britain are sent from other countries if they don't have the resources or space to help the animals."

"That's actually pretty cool though, spending hours with a lion? Like who gets to say that?"

"Me." Louis cheekily smiled with his teeth on display.

"Isn't it scary though? Like aren't you scared the animals would turn on you?"

"No, they wouldn't necessarily do that unless they feel threatened." He adjusted himself so that his feet were on the cushion and his legs tucked into his chest. "When an animal is injured to the point where they are disabled in some way, they're willing to be taken care of. And in the process of being cared for and healing, a relationship grows and the animal builds trust in the human."

"Yeah, but what if they feel threatened? Like they were having a bad day or whatever."

"It's highly unlikely. Like I said, they know who their carers are. But that's why the place I volunteer at is weary of newcomers. It's not the people they're afraid of, it's the way that the animal will react to the new scent and all."

Harry nodded, following along with Louis' words. Yeah it seemed really cool that Louis had relationships with foreign animals but he was a little nervous about it at the same time. Even though Louis said it was highly unlikely, that didn't mean it wasn't possible. At the end of the day, he just didn't want him to get hurt. "Which are you closest with?"

There was something about the way that Louis smiled, thinking about the animals that made Harry's heart flutter and sent a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. His face completely turned into fond and it was wonderful to see. "His name's Caedmon but I call him Chichi. He's an East African Lion and a total softie."

Harry smiled, pulling a leg up onto the chair and rested his cheek against his knee. "Why do you call him Chichi?"

"Because when he was a baby he had struggles roaring and purring or making any sound really and it sounded like chi chi chi," Louis laughed thinking about Caedmon as a baby. It was cute in retrospect, but at the time they weren't sure if Caedmon was going to make it or not.

"Wait so he's been in there since he was a baby?" Louis nodded. "I thought it was a rescue center?"

"It is. When he was a newborn he got attacked by hyenas while his mum was away. Did some pretty brutal damage, so he was sent up here to rehabilitate and all that."

"How old is he now?"

"Around two and a half I think. That's what the vets think at least based on his teeth and size and all."

"How big is he?" He was really interested in this topic. Who wouldn't be? Louis was best friends with an East African lion and he acted as if it was nothing.

"Almost full sized. Between the ages of three and eight they become full sized but Chichi is a big boy."

"If it's a rehabilitation center, why haven't they released him back into the wild yet? Is he still hurt?"

"No, for adult animals they send back after being properly cared for, but they can't do that with the babies. They wouldn't survive in the wild after spending their whole life around humans and being cared for."

"Yeah, that makes a lot of sense." They fell into a comfortable silence for minutes on end. During that time, Louis was busying himself by thinking about all the animals at the rescue center and Harry was trying to imagine Caedmon, or Chichi, with Louis. Like how would that relationship work? Even if Louis said Caedmon was a softie, he was still a lion with lion instincts and Louis was this small, dainty thing. That's like Louis being friends with Zayn now. Zayn was a shark who will eat anything in it's path and Louis was a defenseless shrimp, waiting to be eaten.

"That's really cool, you know?" Harry thought out loud. "Serious. Being best friends with a lion seems like fun and a great opportunity that most people don't get."

Louis looked up so he was looking at Harry again with a glint in his eyes. "Yeah, I assume so." He smiled, relieved that Harry didn't mind his endeavors with wild animals. "You know, even if they don't let you around the predators, you'll probably be able to hang out with the monkeys and all that. They're really cool too. There's a chimp named Eli and she's bloody precious. Love her to bits."

"She seems lovely. Lovely name too." Harry was smiling so wide at Louis' fondness towards these animals. Something he seemed so passionate about was refreshing to see. It was one of the first passions he's expressed and if Louis was going to look this happy, Harry hoped there was much more in the future.  
  
  


** 7:22 pm **

The boys continued on to talk for hours on end and were both seemingly having a good time. For a good while Harry kept pestering Louis about the wild animal rescue center he volunteered at. Questions from  _'what other animals are there'_  to  _'how do the foreign animals survive in the unpredictable weather of Britain'._ And Louis would respond, giving answers to all of his questions with ease. Conversation wasn't bad when he talked about the things he loved because he didn't have to think of what to say. Everything just flowed out effortlessly as if he wasn't the shyest person on Earth.

After Harry ran out of questions the conversation was guided to a different topic before it drifted off completely. They sat in a very comfortable silence, neither boy looking at each other. Instead, they watched as cars passed by, people walking their dogs, they even saw a couple practically devouring each other's faces. Louis saw it first and pat at Harry's arm to get him to look over where they were say and they both had the same grimace on their faces. But other than that quick pat, they didn't talk for about thirty minutes.

The sun was beginning to set and it was getting colder out, a gentle breeze blowing through their clothes. After a long while, he turned to look at an unsurprisingly shivering Louis. "You cold, Lou?" he asked.

"No," Louis said through chattering teeth. He was curled into a ball, trying to get as warm as he could.

Harry just shook his head, taking off his jacket that he'd gotten about an hour ago when the temperature began to drop. "Here." He wrapped the jacket around Louis' shoulders, fixing it so it'd cover his arms that were folded between his thighs and chest.

"Aren't you going to get cold?" He turned to look at the curly haired boy in concern, starting to unravel himself to give the jacket back to Harry. But of course had stopped in the process with a hand, pulling it back on and a shake of the head.

"Keep it lovely, I'll be fine."

"You sure?" Louis asked just to make sure Harry was okay to give his jacket to him. He received a nod and a gentle smile in response. "Okay, but let me know when you get cold and I'll give it back."

"Sure thing." But Harry was already cold, the breeze giving him goosebumps all over his body. To him, Louis needed it more than he did so there was no need in being selfish.

"Hey, by the way, you never sent me that unflattering picture of you." Louis knitted his brows together and attempted to scold Harry.

"That's because  _you_  didn't send me a selfie."

"Yes I did!"

"It was a picture of a kitten."

"But you call me kitten." Louis frowned, crossing his arms over his chest and threw himself back into his chair with a huff.

Harry tried his best to hold a grudge against Louis because he didn't do his part of the agreement. The terms were if Louis were to send Harry a selfie then he'd send him an unflattering picture of himself. But since Louis didn't pull his weight, there'd be no unflattering picture. That's what Harry told himself at least. Until he saw that undeniably adorable pout Louis would give when things didn't go his way. He tried his best to stand his ground but he felt something in his will cracking. Especially when he groaned, "fine," as he pulled out his phone.

Louis clapped happily, sitting forward and bounced his knees up and down in excitement. He could see Harry's blush of embarrassment spreading across his cheeks before he gave the phone to him. When Louis dropped his jaw and widened his eyes, Harry smacked his hands to his face and shook his head, grunting. "Oh my god," Louis gasped bringing a hand to his mouth as he giggled and the phone closer to his face. "Harry."

"Don't, Lou," Harry groaned into his palms.

"I'm just... confused?" The picture was of Harry with a scarf around his hair and some sort of glasses on his face— Louis thought they look like the 3D glasses from the cinema— and two chips stuffed up his nose. Louis chuckled a bit, trying to hide it with a cough. "It's cute though, it is."

The compliment warmed Harry's heart. Just a few hours ago Louis was hesitant on complimenting Harry and now it just slipped out of his mouth into a normal conversation and he thought that was amazing. It made him smile, of course, but when he removed his hands from his face he was still red from embarrassment. "Give the phone back," he demanded with a not so stern voice. "Oh my gosh, no!" Harry gasped when Louis gave back his phone. Louis erupted into a fit of laughter, throwing his head back and gripping onto his stomach.

"I had to," Louis stuttered through giggles.

"That's so not fair!" When Louis gave the phone back, the screen was opened to the text messages between the two of them and a new sent image from Harry.

"You have plenty pictures of me that'll last." He tried to cheer Harry up, but he was not having it and turned the opposite direction which only made Louis laugh some more. And it was a good thing Harry was facing the other way because a smile fought its way into his face against his own will. What? How can you not smile at the sweet sound of Louis Tomlinson laughing?

The atmosphere calmed down eventually and they fell into a comfortable silence again, just taking in the lovely evening before them, even if it was a little chilly. The sun was almost fully set, the sky hundreds of colors of pinks and purples. The outside light was flicked on eventually giving Louis a startle. Things were great. Louis was in a good mood and Harry had since recovered from his pouting from earlier on. Silence was always something Louis dreaded because he'd drown himself in his thoughts but for some odd reason he didn't have those thoughts that night. He didn't want to assume anything, but it was as if Harry blocked them out. Like a guardian angel, fighting away the demons.

"Hey Lou?" Harry asked after a few minutes from their previous chat.

Louis looked his way with raised brows, gripping onto the fuzzy collar of the jean jacket. "Are you cold?"

"No." Harry smiled. "Can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?"

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just really curious and it's been bugging my mind for months now."

"Are you going to ask or..."

"I just- what happened between you and Zayn?" The mere sound of his name made Louis' entire body tense up. "Like people have told me you two had a falling out forever ago, but what exactly happened?"

"Oh." What else could he say? It wasn't the question he expected and it left him in shock.

"Again, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. You can tell me to sod off."

"Hm, I've, uh, I've never really talked about it before." Louis bit the inside of his cheek and stared at the cement pavement of the porch. "Why don't you ask him?" It was heartbreaking the way his voice became so soft and insecure when it was just full of life a few minutes ago.

"I did." That response caught Louis' attention. He looked at Harry with furrowed brows as if he was crazy. Out of all things, he expected Harry to ask him that question before going to Zayn.

"What'd he say?"

"Nothing useful. Literally nothing. Every question I asked him he wouldn't budge. And when I asked about yours and his past relationship, he got really angry and stormed off."

"Hm." Louis hummed, turning his chin on his knee to look away again.

"What?"

"Nothing, I just thought he was going to say something."

"Like what?" Louis shook his head, not wanting to talk about it because he was embarrassed. He didn't really know for certain why Zayn left, but he's made assumptions about it and it made him feel guilty. "Do you not want to talk about it?"

Louis shrugged, pulling the jacket tighter around his body when a breeze blew passed. "There's not much to say really. In all honesty, I don't even know why we had a falling out."

"When was the last time you two talked?"

"Secondary school."

"What happened?" Harry saw the way Louis dropped his head onto his knee and how his breathing shuddered unevenly like he was trying to keep himself composed. He scooted his chair closer to Louis', tapping on the side of his leg to get his attention. When Louis turned his head back out to look at the hand Harry was offering him then to his face and back down to his hand. Reluctantly, he wrapped his small hand around Harry's giant one immediately feeling an overwhelming amount of warmth. "'s alright sweetness, take your time." For added comfort, Harry rubbed circles on the back of Louis' hand.

"I just wanted someone to listen." His breath hitched, trying his best not to cry.

"Breathe, kitten, breathe. It's okay." Harry let go of Louis' hand to wrap around his shoulders and using his other hand to hold Louis'. He kissed his shoulder and rested his head upon it. "It's okay."

"Last time we talked we were screaming at each other." To distract himself, Louis gently tugged on Harry's fingers with his free hand. "It got really messy and he just stormed out leaving me alone and I had a feeling that he wasn't going to come back." When Louis sniffled, Harry pulled him closer tilting his head slightly so it'd fit comfortably.

"Do you not want to talk about what was said?" Harry asked after a few seconds of silence passed.

Louis looked down even more, frowning and closing his eyes. He shook his head, his cheek bumping into the tip of Harry's nose. "Sorry," he whispered.

"No worries kitten, it's totally fine. It's hard and very touchy but I'm proud of you for talking about it. It took a lot of courage and strength and I'm really proud. Thank you."

"I didn't say anything though."

"Sure you did. You talked about a difficult event in your life. You stepped outside your comfort zone and told me something you probably never planned on telling anyone. Louis seventy one."

Louis giggled, subconsciously leaning against Harry's head. "I guess."

"I'd listen to you, you know that right? If you ever wanted to talk I'd listen— if you wanted me to that is." He felt so comfortable against Louis' side and maybe it was crazy but he felt like he was meant to be there. It couldn't be that far fetched, right? If Harry believed them to be friend soulmates then of course some part of Louis was made for him like his dainty shoulders and tiny hands and his long, soft fringe that always falls into his face just for him to push it out. Maybe the reason why he wanted to be Louis' friend so bad was because he was designed to lift some of the burden off of his shoulders and onto his own. Maybe Monet was right when she said to Harry that Louis was a part of his destiny.

"I know you would, it's just different than before."

"How come?" Harry asked lifting his head off of Louis' shoulder and slipping the arm that rested around his shoulders to his waist. His fingers slid under the jean jacket and raked at the fabric of his sweater on his side.

"Because," Louis began, "it's been years since everything happened. I'm already suffering the after effects so what's the point in trying to talk to people if I'm already gone."

"You're not gone, you're just- maybe a little lost. If you were gone you wouldn't have ever given me the time of day and look, you called us friends. You're making great progress and you need to see that." It had only been two months of them knowing each other and Louis had admitted and expressed more than he had in years. He went from tensing at the sound of Harry's voice to leaning into his touch whenever his skin met his. Harry half smiled, removing himself completely from Louis' body. "Hey, face me." He helped Louis turn his chair so their knees were touching.

"Why are you smiling like that?" He blushed looking down to his lap to mask his own.

A few beats passed before Harry responded. He took the time to adore the presence in front of him. Soft, cuddly Louis Tomlinson sitting in front of a beautiful sunset on a nice, but chilly, evening who was now wearing his jean jacket that was way too big for him. There was a weird feeling in his belly that he's never felt before and though it was unsettling it was also oddly comforting. "Lou," Harry began, bringing Louis' chair even closer so their knees were resting between each other. "I think you're amazing. You're so great and yeah maybe there's some finding you need to do, but don't we all? Don't be ashamed over something that everyone goes through."

Louis dropped his head down to his lap, shaking it in the process. He appreciated Harry's willingness to listen and try to understand him, he really did, but at the end of the day, he didn't. Yes, it's partially his fault but he couldn't just trust anyone with that depressing and sensitive information. "Not everyone went through what I did."

"Of course not, that's not what I meant. I meant that everyone's lost one way or another trying to find their way and role in this world." Harry placed two fingers under Louis' chin to tilt his head up to make eye contact. "In no way am I trying to minimize the severity of what you went through at all, okay? I just want you to know that you're not alone. We're all lost in our own unique way."

"You're lost?" Louis asked with furrowed brows. Of everyone he's met, Harry's probably the only person he knew who seemed so sure of himself.

"Of course I am. I'm constantly trying to figure out who I am and what I'm meant to be."

"But you seem so sure of yourself."

"Life changes everyday. You may think you've solved it all, but then a curveball comes your way and you have to adjust to it." A light, but heavy for him, huff was forced through Louis' nose while he looked away shaking his head. "What is it?"

"You just- I don't know." His head was tilted back up again and was given a warm smile by his curly headed neighbour who never ever seemed to frown.

"Tell me," Harry whispered, his smile never faltering.

"It's like- you always make me feel included. Whenever something happens you always make sure to tell me that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do without lessening what I'm feeling, if that makes sense."

"The whole point isn't to make you feel like what you're feeling isn't okay, because feelings don't need to be justified. I just don't want you to feel alone because many people feel the same. You don't have to feel alone anymore Lou."

"It's going to be weird."

"I know, but we're in this together, yeah? I'll help you through it sunshine. You have a lovely smile and I'd like to see it more than I already do."

Louis sighed, "cheese," while blushing and sitting back in his chair.


	28. the moon understands what it means to be human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (:

mood: sunflower vol. 6- harry styles  
  
  
  
  


 

 

** Tuesday, October 25th 11:43 am **

To say that Louis was having a bad day would be an understatement. Not only did he sleep in his first few lessons, but he also forgot all of his homework in his room so if that didn't say enough what else could? He slept through his alarms, his mum, and probably his dad as well along with the loads of text messages from Harry saying he was outside waiting for him, then asking where he was and if he was okay. He even called Louis a few times and still he didn't wake up.

But when he finally did, the house was too silent for his liking and if there wasn't enough panic coursing through his veins, when he checked the clock on his dresser he jolted out of bed and got right to dressing himself. It was almost nine o'clock meaning that third lesson was to begin soon and to make it on time he wouldn't be able to shower. In no time he was dressed and refreshed, doing his very best to freshen himself up without actually having a shower. He threw on the first clothes in sight, not even knowing if they were clean or not, but honestly he didn't care. His priority was to get to school. It's not like anyone payed attention to him anyway.

To make matters worse, it was pouring rain in the morning. Of course, why wouldn't it? He just  _had_  to sleep in on the worse day ever. In order to make it on time to third lesson, Louis had to run in the freezing rain with his sweats and vans. He had no umbrella or jacket to keep himself dry. While he was getting dressed, he was too focused on getting ready that he didn't hear the rain splashing against his window and once he saw the rain, there was no way he would make it to school in time if he were to run back up to get an umbrella.

He was probably the slowest runner he knew so it took him about six minutes to get to school— which was only four minutes shorter than his walk— and by then he was completely soaked from head to toe. But thank god for theatre because he always kept a spare outfit or two in his theatre locker just in case anything dared to happen. He was able to change into a different pair of sweats but unfortunately had to keep his soaked vans on and go commando for the day because he didn't want the outline of his wet boxers to show up on his dry sweats. After he changed he ended up being a few minutes late to third lesson since the theatre was on the opposite end of the school from the maths hallway.

It was a struggle, but he made it through to lunch and was not in the mood for anything at all. He didn't want to see, speak, or even hear Harry's voice because he knew he'd be the only one looking for him. He wasn't upset at Harry, he just didn't want to deal with people at all today. With it only being a few minutes into the lunch period, Louis hoped Harry wasn't going to show but with his luck today he was going to. He was sat in the back at his usual table, facing the door and all, engaged in his homework, too focused and frustrated to care about anyone around him.

The door to the library opened and closed as it would and normally Louis would look up, but again he didn't have a care in the world. He also felt like that was going to be Harry, especially when he saw a tall figure in his peripherals walking down the centre aisle. "Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou" Harry repeated as he went up and down a musical scale in arpeggios. He coughed and hummed the pitch of the neighbouring scale's first pitch and then proceeding to do arpeggios in that scale.

"Not in the mood, Harry," Louis mumbled, scribbling down maths equations.

"I figured. What's up then?" Harry asked, pulling out the chair in front of Louis for him to have a seat.

"Just not the day."

"Yeah, what happened to you this morning?" Louis huffed in frustration, slamming his pencil on his notebook and finally looking up to meet emerald eyes with a glare because Harry was not getting through his thick skull that he didn't want to speak. "W-well, I mean."

"Woke up late," he gritted through his teeth, keeping his scold.

"Everything alright?"

"No, Harry, nothing is  _alright_. First I woke up late, then I couldn't shower this morning and I feel dirty but thank god for me having to run to school in the rain without an umbrella. I had to change my clothes—  _I'm not wearing any underwear_ — and was still late for third lesson. Oh and to put the cherry on top, I left all my homework and textbooks at home. This is my teacher's and I have to give it back at the end of the day. Not to mention my hair looks like this." Louis pulled his hood down to reveal his hair that was spiked up in every direction possible. By the end of his rant, his eyes were tearing up but he tried his best to keep himself composed.

"Oh Lou," Harry sighed, getting up from his seat to sit next to his friend who was having a hard day. "C'mere love." He pulled Louis in for a much needed hug, holding him tightly and letting him cry into his chest. "It's alright, let it all out."

"Nothing's going right," Louis whimpered against the fabric of Harry's shirt. He wasn't full on sobbing, just a few tears of frustration was all.

"Let's make something right then, yeah?" He pulled Louis away who surprisingly was reluctant in letting the boy go. "How about we do that? Here." He grabbed Louis' homework and put them in his bag before zipping it up and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Harry, what-"

"Come with me." He stuck his hand out to help Louis stand. When he did, he was led out the library and into the bathroom.

"What are we doing here Harry?"

"Wanna make something right since you've had a bad day." He lifted Louis up and placed him on one of the sinks. He turned a sink on and rummaged through his bag for a few seconds before pulling out a comb and stuck it under the tap before combing it through Louis' hair. "It'll be as good as new in just a few, Lou." So apparently Harry was in a music mood today with all the scales and rhymes he had been doing. "What kind of hairstyle do you want?"

"Um, a regular one?" As much as he wanted to sulk all day, a smile fought its way onto Louis' face because he really appreciated Harry's efforts. It was the first time in years that someone wanted to cheer him up when he was down. The smile might've also possibly, maybe been from how cute Harry looked while concentrating on combing Louis' hair.

"Yeah but like I could give you a combover." He styled it into a combover and let Louis hop off the sink for a better look. "Or I could slick it back." Before Louis could say anything, Harry combed all of his hair towards the back in a sleek style. "Or I can give you a mohawk!" For some reason Harry was really excited for that one. He spiked Louis' light brown hair up into a mohawk, erupting in laughter.

"Anything but that one!" Louis squeaked with wide eyes, pressing down his hair to flatten it.

"Shouldn't you be in class?" a very pristine and proper voice sounded through the room with a figure appearing not too long after.

"You can't be in the men's bathroom Sharon," Harry sighed, popping his hip out.

"Mr. Styles, it's always a pleasure."

"Of course, what is it you need darling?"

"Class, you two." She pointed at the two of them with her fingers raising her brows.

"We're in lunch."

"Then get to the cafeteria."

"See, I would if I so pleased but I don't. Besides, Lou was having a bad day today and I'm trying to cheer him up. So if you'll excuse me." He turned and went back to combing Louis' hair by looking through the mirror then ruffling it up to make it look less neat like how he always had it. Louis was a tad tense from the possibility of getting in trouble and Harry could see it all over his face. He placed his hands on his shoulders and whispered, "It's okay Lou, it'll be fine."

"Keep it down you two," she said before turning to walk out the bathroom.

"You got it Sharon," Harry called out with a smirk knowing she hated when he called her that.

"It's Mrs. Jenke to you." The bathroom door closed behind her and the two boys were left alone again.

"Harry," Louis whined in a whisper.

"What kitten?"

"You can't talk to her like that."

"Because she's a woman," Harry mocked, remembering the time he got scolded for messing around with Monet.

"Yes, Harry. And she's authority, you can't just talk to her like that." He hit Harry's arm with knitted brows.

"It's fine, Louis. That's just our relationship. She knows I mean no harm and she jokes back."

"You called her Sharon."

"And she calls me Mr. Styles. It's fine sun, don't worry your pretty little mind about it." Louis just huffed, crossing his arms over his chest with a pout. "Now, you want me to drive you home so you can get your materials you left behind this morning?"

"Wait, really?"

"Yes Lou, I don't want you stressing out the rest of the because of something as simple as homework." The two walked out the bathroom and towards the main entrance because Harry knew that that was something Louis would want.

"Would we make it back in time?"

"It's like a two minute drive from here, I'm sure we will."

"Okay," Louis whispered letting himself be guided to Harry's car. Once they reached it he stopped right in his tracks, staring at vehicle. "Um." He hadn't gotten into a car with someone other than a family member in a long, long time.

"What is it?" Harry asked approaching Louis with his keys in his hands.

Louis tried to shake the thoughts away as best as he could but he couldn't rid the feeling of hands trailing up his thighs and touching him in places no one should ever touch. He could still taste the salty tears rolling down his cheeks and hitting the fabric of his shirt and he hoped to god it was just a memory. "N-nothing," he stammered as he tried his best to compose himself.

"Hey, you can tell me." His touch was gentle and cautious and it immediately snapped Louis out of those bad thoughts.

"It's nothing, really. C'mon, before we're late." It was only a two minute drive, four minutes total. Nothing bad could possibly happen within that time. Besides, this was Harry, someone who always promised to keep Louis safe, right?

"Alright." He didn't question it, not wanting to cause a scene and opened the door for Louis to get in. Once both boys were fastened safely, Harry pulled out the car park and made his way to Louis' house. When he pulled into the drive, Louis wasted no time hopping out of the car and jogging up to his front door. As eager as he was to get out of the car and have a break, he also just wanted to get his things and hurry back to school. He couldn't be late to another class. "That was fast," Harry said in shock when Louis got settled in the passenger's seat.

"Don't wanna be late again," Louis responded, fastening up the seatbelt. "Oh, here." Louis reached into his sweater pocket and pulled out a box of maltesers. "Thank you."

"No, thank you." He took the sweets from Louis and pulled back out the drive and drove to school knowing Louis was getting anxious about class. "You've put on undergarments I presume."

Louis' face flushed a deep red and he curled into himself. "Yes." His voice was soft and embarrassed from the fact that he actually told Harry he wasn't wearing any underwear earlier.

"You know, without the boxers no one could give you wedgies."

"Yeah, and if they reach into my pants looking for my underwear they're going to touch my crack." Harry erupted in laughter, squeezing his eyes shut and throwing his head back as he came to a halt at a stop sign. The sound and view of Harry's belly laugh was really something else and Louis couldn't stop the smile from creeping onto his face.

Luckily for him, the spot he left just a few minutes ago was still open and he pulled in, parking his car. "Well, I guess this is where we go our separate ways."

The bell rang signaling that lunch was now over and the next lesson was going to begin. "Um, thank you. Really. I just- I don't know. Wasn't having the best day."

"No need to thank me Lou. I'm here for you, remember? It was a pleasure to make you smile. Oh, there it is again." Harry poked Louis' cheek which made him blush even more than before.

"Right, well, I'll see you later." He flashed a quick smile before unbuckling himself and closing the door behind him leaving Harry alone in his car. And for a while he just sat there with his mind swarming about Louis, as always. The bell rang again but Harry was too busy in his thoughts with a foolish smile on his face to even process it.

 

** 12:37 pm **

"Niall, seriously, it's not that hard," Harry complained to his friend who was being an absolute nut. "We've been in this class for almost two months and you still don't know how to work it?"

"This one's more complex than the other one I've been using," Niall sighed back, pushing at random buttons as the two boys walked down the hall.

"That's because you were using a Rebel T3. It's time to whip out the big guns." Harry flashed his 5D Mark IV in front of Niall's face to brag.

"Not everyone is trusted to use those. Besides, no one cares about this class as much as you do." Niall, along with pretty much everyone else in the class, only got to use Canon's T7i. Their photography class equipment wasn't all that bad, however it also wasn't the best. There was no need in investing in expensive equipment if this class was only an elective that students chose because it was an easy A as long as you do all the assignments.

"Photography is pretty cool though. It's not just taking pictures, it's-"

"It's about capturing things through our own eyes and living vicariously through it," Niall finished his sentence in a mocking tone. "Yeah, yeah, I've heard it a million times this semester."

"Seriously though," Harry began, obviously boring Niall with his love for photography, "photography seems like the simplest career ever but the tiniest detail separates a good photo from a great photo."

"Again, you're literally the only one who takes photos outside of the assignments we're given." Niall rolled his eyes at the curly lad because he heard this speech practically everyday. In no way was he shaming Harry for being passionate about something he loved, but he ranted about it so often that he felt like vomiting every time he saw a camera.

"Whatever Ni. I'm heading into the library for the assignment."

"There isn't going to be any paradoxes in the library, H."

"There are paradoxes everywhere Niall."

"Whatever man, I'm heading to the bathroom to do the assignment."

"May I ask why?" The two boys made it to the front entrance of the library, standing just before the glass doors.

"Well I'm hoping to take a picture of me in the women's bathroom. Paradox."

"I don't think- you know what, you go ahead and do that." Harry rolled his eyes and let Niall do whatever he pleased because one way or another it'll be a good story to hear later. He walked into the library, scanning his surroundings for inspiration. His initial plan was to take a picture of someone reading on their phone when they surrounded by books or something along those lines, but there was barely anyone in the library. There was, however, a few people sitting at the tables in the back dong work so he figured he could ask one of them if they could help him out. Approaching the back, he saw a familiar figure sitting at a familiar table and a wide grin formed on his face. "Well, well, well. Looks like Louis Tomlinson isn't so innocent, is he?" He sat in his spot across from Louis. "Skipping class is it? To do homework?"

Louis tensed from the unsuspecting voice but soon relaxed when he caught sight of long curly hair. Pausing his homework, he looked up with the faintest smile Harry's ever seen. "'m in study hall," Louis spoke softly trying to keep the tranquility of the library. "And you, monsieur?"

"Photography." He waved his camera in the air to show Louis. "Hey, in fact, you should be my model."

"Uh, I don't know. I-"

"Come on, please? You won't see much of your face. I kind of want to do like a profile type thing."

Again with the damn pictures. This was something that Louis knew was going to drive him absolutely nuts throughout their friendship. Harry seemed like the type of person to take pictures everywhere they went to keep a memory. Which Louis didn't think was a bad thing, to each their own, but it'll be something he'd have to get used to.

"Fine," Louis sighed. He'd been giving in way too easily into Harry's favors and because of that he knew that he was too far gone into a world where it was no longer just Louis, but also a curly-haired boy accompanying him. His walls were crumbling down against his will and though it was a relief, he also was immensely terrified.

"Yay! Come with me." He grabbed Louis' hand, guiding him around the table making sure he had his phone and sat him on the floor in the middle of an aisle of bookshelves.

"What now?" He combed his fringe away from his face, looking up at Harry who seemed mountainous compared to him.

"Here." Harry crouched down, about to move Louis' legs before stopping and looking up. "Can I?" He gestured to his hands by Louis' legs, waiting for Louis to give a response. The last thing he wanted to do was touch Louis somewhere that he didn't like to be touched, even though he'd been getting better at all the tensing. Louis nodded his head with a smile, grateful that Harry asked for his permission before touching him. It was the little things like that that Louis appreciated so much and separated Harry from the rest of the people he knew.

As Harry repositioned his legs, Louis watched carefully in curiosity. "What's the picture about?"

"It's supposed to be a paradox. I wanted to have someone reading on their phone when they're surrounded by books, but I'm just not sure how I can show you reading on your phone."

"I mean, I could just do this." Louis kept the position Harry put him in and looked down to his phone.

"No. I mean, yeah, but how is the person supposed to know you're reading?"

"I think you're looking too much into it."

"I'm not. I just want to have people understand what the image is about without an explanation."

"Well maybe the image itself could be a paradox of sorts. Like you think it's something when it's really the other?"

"That's a horrible idea, Lou. That's the equivalent of calling jazz music." Louis' eyebrows shot up in shock because of Harry seeming stressed over literally nothing and the subtle shade towards jazz. "Sorry, I'm just stressing out."

"Over nothing. No one takes that class seriously and I'm sure they'll understand when they see it. You're overthinking."

Maybe Louis was right. Obviously he was stressing over a stupid high school photography assignment, but sue him for being a perfectionist. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Now pose for me Rose." Louis rolled his eyes at the reference and got back into his position for Harry. After a few pictures from different angles and slightly different posing, Harry showed Louis all of the pictures he took.

"You're not too bad," Louis remarked after viewing all of the pictures.

Harry sat beside his neighbour, scrolling through the pictures once more. "You're not too bad of a model either." He smiled looking to his side to see the blush that he knew was creeping up on Louis' skin.

"Wouldn't of guessed from how crazy weird your poses were."

"What can I say? Got to get the best angles." There was a chuckle following his statement that was reciprocated back to him with a shake of the head.

"So what's your take on photography?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like you seemed really interested in photography and everyone has their own take on it. For instance, Don McCullin believes that photography isn't seeing, but feeling an image. If the photographer doesn't feel anything while capturing an image, they shouldn't expect the audience to. Or Robert Capa likes those up close and intimate shots. He believes that if the photograph isn't good enough then you're not close enough. So what's yours?"

"Hm," Harry hummed, tapping his foot against the book shelf in front of him. "Didn't know you knew so much about photography."

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Harry Styles." Louis rested his head against the shelved books with his eyes closed and a quirky smile playing across his lips.

"We should change that, shouldn't we?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"What you do for me."

"Ohh, so you want  _that_  kind of relationship with me?" Harry smirked elbowing Louis' side to get his attention.

"No, that's not what-"

"I've got to be honest with you monsieur, I never would've taken you to be someone who's into that kind of relationship."

"I'm not-"

"But I would be lying if I were to say I wasn't flattered. So if we're going to do this, there'll have to be a few rules."

"Harry, st-"

"Rule one, no more than three times a week. I don't have much of drive at the moment so we'll go with that, yeah?"

"Oh my god," Louis sighed out, shoving his fingers in his ears to block out Harry's voice.

"Rule two, foreplay is always fun and a must. There'll be more, but for now I'll stop at rule three, nothing goes in my butt."

"Oh my god!" Louis exclaimed, clapping his hand to his mouth moments later from being too loud for the library. "Harry!"

"I'm joking, darling," Harry laughed, trying to keep his volume down since they've already been shushed by the librarian. "I'm all jokes. I just like when you get flustered. So adorable." Louis blushed an even deeper red, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. "But for real, what did you want me to do for you?"

"Nothing really, I just-" Louis paused, looking down to his lap and twiddled with his fingers. "You know, I just want to trust you. I-I don't know. And if you were ever to stop being my friend could you at least tell me why?"

Out of everything Louis could've said that was the last thing Harry expected to come out his mouth. He expected hangouts, gifts, or jokes not  _'are you really my friend? And if you don't want to be friends anymore could you tell me what I did wrong?'_  It definitely took him by surprise and maybe he was slightly offended that they were still having this battle but he let it go. "Trust takes time. You've been through a lot and I understand that. Don't feel bad, Lou. I'm not going anywhere expect back to my class since the period's almost over."

Louis let Harry stand up and dust himself off before saying, "you never answered my question." He looked up from his lap to a now towering Harry.

"What question?" Harry asked.

"What your take on photography was."

"' _To me, photography is an art of observation. It's about finding something interesting in an ordinary place... I've found it has little to do with the things you see and everything to do with the way you see them.'_  Elliott Erwitt." And with a smile, Harry turned around to go back to his class, leaving Louis to think about that quote.

That, of course, was his take on photography but it also bled into his everyday life. Take Louis for example; the minute they met, Harry was captivated by him. He became interested in an arguably peculiar boy who did nothing for him. Yeah, Louis was just a boy who Harry found interesting to everyone else, but Harry saw more in Louis than anyone including Louis himself.

"Oh, and Lou?" Harry turned around before getting too far with that familiar smile on his face.

"Yeah?" Louis asked appearing from behind the bookshelves and into the middle aisle.

"Thanks for being my model and helping straightening me out about my whole concept."

"No worries." He gave a final smile before starting to turn to go back to his table.

"Wait!" Louis turned back around with furrowed brows that soon relaxed from the sound of Harry being shushed. "Meet up with me after school, yeah? At my locker?"

"Yeah, alright."And with that the boys went their separate ways, Harry meeting up with Niall who was waiting for him outside the doors.

"You alright mate?" Harry asked Niall with a smirk knowing he got himself into shit from his concept, guiding the two of them towards the classroom.

"You're the worst," Niall huffed, dragging his feet along to tiled floors. "Why didn't you tell me my idea wasn't a good one?"

"Well, if I'm honest Niall, I thought you'd have the common sense to know that taking photos of yourself in the women's bathroom wasn't a good idea."

"Don't shame me."

"It's okay peaches, want some lovin'?" Harry wrapped an arm around Niall's shoulders, pulling him in and peppering kisses all over the top of his head.

"Sod off," Niall grunted while pushing Harry off him. "What took so long anyway? I was waiting out here for a few minutes and now we're gonna be-" the bell echoed through the empty corridors. "-late."

"Sorry was having a chat with a friend." Upon walking into the classroom, Harry flashed an apologetic smile towards the teacher who was scolding the two teenagers. "My apologies Ms. Jackson, I got distracted." (Harry had been forbidden to say sorry to Ms. Jackson because he'd follow it up with  _'I am for real'_  and she grew annoyed of it.) The rule for the cameras was that they were to be returned five minutes before the bell to ensure they were still intact, especially the camera Harry was using.

"It happened for a reason one can't be mad. So know this, know that everything's cool," Ms. Jackson smirked knowing Harry wanted to crack but knew he wouldn't since she threatened a detention if he did (wasn't anything malicious, they just had a bet).

"Oh come on!" he whined, pouting like a child. What? He really liked that song. He returned the camera, pulling out his SD card and sliding the battery in the charger. Since he was running late, he quickly picked up his bag to sling over his shoulder, but of course everything just had to spill out. Knowing he wasn't going to make it to his next lesson on time, he took his time packing his things back up. He was nearly finished— only having to pick up the sweet wrappers that he'd stuff in his side pockets— when he saw a folded note.

He wasn't for sure that the note was his so he hesitantly picked it up, examining it for any sort of name until he saw his own scratched in familiar small and messy handwriting. He finished with his bag and slung it over his shoulder to head to his next class, accepting a late pass from his teacher. But the only thing he thought about was when Louis gave him this note. At first he thought it was just an old one he left at the bottom of his bag, but when he unfolded it it was longer than any other note he'd received from Louis. It read:  
  
  
  


_16/10_

_Harry,_

_I'm not sure when you're going to be reading this but there were a few things I wanted to say that I don't think I'd have the guts to in person. For starters, I wanted to apologize for putting you through more than you bargained for. It's pretty crappy for me to only realize it now after you said something to me, but I guess I never thought that the things I do affect the people around me after being lonely for a long time. You know what? Never mind that. There should be no excuses for the way I treated you. I take full responsibility and, again, I'm really sorry._

_Something else I wanted to say was that I'm going through hell and back right now and I know you know that. I'm trying my best to be okay but I don't know if I can. I know you think I'm strong but honestly_ _I_ _don't know if I can hang on much longer. I miss her everyday and I don't know what to do. And I know you say you're there for me but I feel so alone which is something I never bothered but it just feels empty. I don't want to lean on you for support because I don't want to annoy you and please tell me if I am because I'd really hate to see you go._

_Another thing is that, since I'm going to try at this whole friend thing, I already know that there'll be times where I'm going to push you away and there'll be days where I'm in the worst mood ever_ _or_ _moments where I'm totally lost. The only thing I ask of you is to stay by my side through it all like you have been. And if there comes a time where I'm too much for you, which is highly probable, please tell me. Give me closure so I don't hold onto it in the future._

_I don't know. I know I like to put on a show,_ _but_ _I really like having you around. You distract me from the things going on in my head and it's a nice escape for the time being. For a short amount of time you help me forget all the bad that's ever happened to me and I'm really grateful for that. You've made me smile more than anyone has in years and a lot of the time you don't even try. You're special Harry Styles, I hope you know that._

_That was really cheesy and I'll probably be thinking of this as one of my biggest mistakes, but it's already been written down so not much I can do about that. Again, I don't know when you're going to read this since I didn't hand it to you and before you ask, I did that because I wanted a genuine reaction, not one elicited because of me. But I hope you're not reading this too late because then... I don't know, I guess there'd be no point in this note after all. Since the time of you reading this will be undetermined, the next time you see me say 'the moon understands what it's like to be human' and maybe we could have a chat about this._

_That's all for now._

_Sincerely yours,_   
_Louis_   
  
  


Harry read over the note multiple times trying to process and understand everything that was written. He didn't even bother going to his next class— speech wasn't all that fun anyway— because his mind was boggled with thoughts of Louis and the letter and their friendship. To anyone else the letter would seem like just what it was: an apology and confessions, but Harry knew better. This wasn't something that could be observed upon the surface.

The letter was written the day after the weekend Louis made an unexpected appearance to Harry's house. It was written presumably after Harry gave the letter to Louis about how he felt. Harry viewed it as a plea for help. It was like a therapy session for him to get all of those words out of his system and onto something that could be kept forever. Louis knew Harry would keep the letter and maybe that's why he wrote it, to make him feel like his words meant something to someone. That wasn't just a letter, though. It was someone in pain begging someone else to not leave them during the hardest time in their life because they don't want to be alone.

Louis was hurting so bad and he needed Harry not only as a diversion, but to support and be there for him. Louis didn't want a relationship of one sided jokes and smiles, he wanted a  _friend_. He wanted someone there for him who would listen to him and vice versa. Not only did he want to be heard, but he also wanted to mean something to somebody. He wanted to be thought of when someone is going through something and needed to let it out. He wanted to be the first thought when someone had a good day and wanted to express it. He didn't just want a friend, he wanted to  _be_  a friend. And Harry wanted that and he could be that.

 

** 3:01 pm **

By the time school ended Louis was feeling anxious to say the least. His day had improved since noon with Harry and couldn't be anymore grateful, but he was nervous about what he'd want at the end of the day. When Harry asked to meet up by his locker at the time he didn't think anything of it because he was still having that slight high that Harry gave him, but the more he thought about it he contemplated whether or not it was a good idea. He wouldn't purposefully put Louis in harm's way, right?

Of course not. Louis knew he was being ridiculous but at the same time, the sensical side of him was trying to rationalize all the bad that could possibly happen. Like what if Zayn was going to be there or Harry was just not going to show up and Louis would look like a fool? What if Harry was going to bring a friend and they gang up on him? What if- "Lou?" a familiar voice asked.

Louis snapped out of his thoughts, looking up from his lap. "H-hey," he muttered, slightly embarrassed from the circumstance he was in.

"Why're in here? And sitting on the floor?" Yeah so Louis waited in the bathroom practically everyday until the crowd died down before leaving the school himself. But this time he didn't feel like locking himself in a stall, so he sat on the floor in the corner of the room skimming through a book since no one really came to this restroom, no one except Harry apparently.

"Was, uh- was just waiting."

"For what?"

He looked down to his lap, gently thumbing through the pages of his book. "Don't like big crowds." His voice was quiet and full of embarrassment. He'd never been caught before but he also had never been waiting out in the open before.

"You do this everyday?" Harry was now approaching the small boy, but kept his distance towards the urinals because he really did have to wee real bad.

Louis shrugged his shoulders and pulled his lip to one side. "Pretty much."

"Hm," Harry hummed, unzipping his trousers to finally relieve himself, not thinking too much about how uncomfortable Louis was. "So I guess we don't have to meet at my locker anymore."

"Don't talk to me while you wee," Louis laughed, keeping head down towards his lap.

"Right." When he finished, he zipped his pants back up and went to sit next to Louis when he was stopped.

"Wash your hands." Harry rolled his eyes, but he went to wash his hands before sitting next to his neighbour, laying his head back against the brick wall.

"So."

"So?"

"How long do you usually stay in here for?" He looked to his side as he spoke.

Again, Louis shrugged and looked up towards Harry. "Ten minutes maybe."

"Ten minutes? God damn. And you've been here since the bell rang?" Louis nodded his head, pressing his lips together. "So we only have a few minutes left in here?"

"I suppose so." Harry pursed his lips, nodding his head and looking away to the wall on the other side of the room. The room fell silent, the only sound that could be heard were the sounds of people chatting in the corridors and the tapping of Harry's fingernails against the floor. "Why'd you want to meet with me anyway?"

Both boys looked to each other and Harry smiled. "Wanted to take you somewhere," he said. "If that's alright with you."

"Where?"

"A surprise."

"Hm." Louis thought about it for a few seconds. If he was anxious before then what the hell was he now? His heart was beating out his chest and he could feel his hands starting to perspire. "Is it bad?" It didn't hurt to ask, especially if he was this anxious.

"Of course not, kitten," Harry laughed because how ridiculous was it to think that. "I think you'd actually really like it, but it's about a half hour away and you seemed hesitant on getting in the car with me earlier so if you don't want to go, I'd understand."

Louis always underestimated Harry. He noticed everything so why would it still be a shock to him when he mentioned his minor ticks or habits? "It wasn't you. It's just-"

"It's fine Lou, really. No worries."

"I know you said you wanted it to be a surprise, but could you at least give me some context?"

"Is this you agreeing to go?" Harry smirked.

"If you tell me more, I'll think about it," Louis smiled, knowing that they both knew this was his way of agreeing.

"It's in Hitchin and it's outside. That's all you get."

"What could there possibly be in Hitchin?"

"You'll see. Now-" Harry stood up, sticking his hand out to help Louis up as well. "-I believe your ten minutes are up monsieur." Louis took his hand to stand without hesitation, dusting himself off. They walked the halls together and out the doors towards the car park.

From the opposite end of the car park was Zayn and his 'posse' seemingly having a grand time. They were joking around and messing about, and that of course was until Zayn just so happened to spot Harry and Louis smiling and laughing with one another. His blood began to boil for reasons unknown. He didn't care for Louis at all, hadn't in years, so why was he so angry to see Harry with him? Was he angry to see Harry with his former friend or was he angry to see Harry wasting away his reputation after repeatedly telling him to stay away from Louis Tomlinson.

Zayn Malik was not jealous. He was not.

He would never in a million years admit it, but there was something deep inside of Zayn that fluttered at the sight of Louis smiling. It had been years since he or anyone else had seen that smile and he couldn't lie he sort of missed it. Which is sort of contradicting in itself since he's one of the main reasons why Louis frowns all the time.

"It's like he doesn't even care anymore," Zayn growled still glaring at Harry in the distance.

"What are you going on about?" Zayn's friend and teammate, Noah, asked looking in the direction he was staring in and seeing nothing.

"Harry. He never listens." Zayn peeled his eyes away from where Harry's car was pulling out of his parking spot.

"What's he done?" Another one of his mates, Thomas, asked.

"He keeps pursuing this little fantasy he has with Louis Tomlinson and I just want to know what his motive is."

"Mate, just leave the boy be. He's done nothing to you in years, just give it up," Niall spoke up, taking his attention away from his phone. When he looked up, a few of the boys were looking at him as if he had two heads.

"What's his motive Niall?"

"There is none."

"There has to be. No one willingly chooses to be Louis Tomlinson's friend."

"He's aware of some of the things Louis' gone through and he just wants him to smile. Nothing more, nothing less." Zayn only rolled his eyes and carried on the conversation they were having before he got distracted.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Before Harry and Louis ventured out, they stopped by both their flats to gather up food and snacks, Harry's request. When they parted ways, Harry told Louis to gather up a few snacks and change into something cute but also something he was willing to get dirty. Harry changed into a white t-shirt that had black thrimmings paired with simple blue jeans that haven't made an appearance in god knows how long, and black vans with a black newsboy cap on his curls. While Louis wore a loose beige jumper, black skinnies with rips at the knees and black vans.

On the way to their destination, Harry just had to comment on how they were wearing matching shoes and Louis commented on Harry's hat calling it ridiculous. The drive didn't take too long taking they lived near the outskirts of London but it was surprisingly pretty fun. Not only did Louis willingly and comfortably sit in Harry's car, but he didn't get anxious or awkward. Their conversation flowed so easily and all the nerves Louis previously had were washed away and he found himself becoming excited about where they were going which never happened.

Louis hated surprises. He didn't like to be surprised because he liked to be in control of everything he did, but he couldn't deny the fact that a spontaneous surprise afternoon out with Harry didn't seem so bad. He put a lot of trust into Harry so in a way, this event would make or break their friendship.

"Are we almost there?" Louis asked after being sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Yeah, just a few minutes out now," Harry responded flashing a smile towards the passenger's seat. "Have any suspicions?" His smile widened when he saw Louis tapping his fingers erratically against the door.

"No clue." Louis looked out the window when Harry slowed down and flicked his signal on. There was a sign that he didn't get to read but there wasn't much around to identify where they were.

"Still nervous?" The small boy looked his way with furrowed brows, but he should know better by now. "What? I notice everything bub." It was the first time Harry called Louis bub, a nickname only his family would use, and, honestly, he really liked it. So much so that butterflies swarmed throughout his tummy and his cheeks tinted pink.

"'m fine."

"Good. We're almost there, just about a minute out." The ground beneath the car slowly transitioned from pavement to uneven gravel making the car shake and tilt in all sorts of directions. "And uh, we're here."

"Where are we exactly?" Louis asked unbuckling his seatbelt.

In a hurry, Harry raced to the other side of the car to open the door for Louis before he could do it himself. "You'll see." They grabbed the snacks and bags they've prepared and Louis had enough common sense that he put together that they were having a picnic but that didn't explain why they had to drive thirty minutes out. They could've just gone to a local park or something.

"Oh my god." Louis stopped dead in his tracks with wide eyes and a dropped jaw. The sound of Louis being shocked made Harry smirk like the cheeky boy he was.

"What is it sun?" Harry asked, turning around to see Louis still in shock from the sight before them.

"Harry."

"What?"

"I love it." His shock was soon replaced with joy and a smile appeared on his face. To show off his excitement even more he practically skipped his way over to Harry, tackling him in a hug.

"Be careful lovely, you've got the fragile snacks," Harry laughed, hugging the small boy back. "I'm glad you like it though. Now come." Harry gently pushed Louis off him and continued to guide him through the fields.

Harry brought Louis to a farm with parcels of land that held different types of fields. The first one he saw, and the sole reason he was now extremely happy, was a huge field filled with even bigger sunflowers. Neighbouring fields included that of lavenders and roses. They walked along paths that were cleared out by the owner to make navigating through them much easier where the sunflowers were replaced with plain dirt.

"How do you know about this place?" Louis asked as the entered the patch, his tone completely distracted by the beauty of the sunflowers around him.

"Well," Harry sighed in complete fondness while watching Louis gush over the tall, beautiful sunflowers. "As you know, after I found out that your favourite flowers were sunflowers, I did some research and stumbled upon sunflower patches in the area and thought it'd come handy one day."

"So why today?" Louis looked up with the widest grin he'd ever given. A smile so wide there were wrinkles by his eyes and his nose was crinkled.

"You were having a bad day and I just wanted to make it better. You deserve an endless amount of special days and since you didn't have a good start this morning something had to change." Louis didn't respond, only flashed his smile once again in utter happiness, feeling high on life.

Despite the gloomy morning, the day turned out to be beautiful. The dark clouds drifted away and were replaced with warm rays of the sun and the ground was still a bit damp but had dried up significantly. The air was warm with a gentle breeze blowing through the tall grass and flowers. They walked far out into the field through the open, dirt path making a few turns before Harry stopped in the middle of a cleared out rectangular space surrounded by the sunflowers.

"It's gorgeous," Louis sighed in amazement, looking around the rectangle. Sure, they were just sunflowers but they looked so pretty against the perfectly blue sky.

"I know, that's why I brought you here. I knew you'd love it." Harry bit down on his bottom lip and smiled as he watched Louis walk the perimeter of the rectangle brushing his hands over the stems of the flowers that, for the most part, towered over him. He unfolded a black, white, and grey blanket, flipping it in the air and laying it down on the ground. Both boys sat on either side of the blanket as Harry started to take the snacks out of the bags they brought. One by one he pulled them out, displaying them on the blanket: sandwiches (that Harry made but Louis turned down), a half-eaten bag of sour cream and onion crisps, a bowl of diced fruit, grilled vegetables that Harry cooked before they left as he made the sandwiches and a couple pouches of Capri Sun.

For a while they just sat and talked about whatever it was Harry prodded Louis about. And after Louis didn't have much left to say, Harry chased him through the field which led to an unsuspecting game of hide and seek which Harry found out that Louis was really good at. He claimed it was because he was so tiny but Louis insisted it was because he was great at hiding. Throughout their afternoon together Harry would take loads of photos of Louis throughout the patch: in the sunflowers, on the path, through the flowers, etc. Some with him knowing, some without and because of that, Louis would take pictures of him in return to mock him but Harry took it as an opportunity for a photo shoot.

They chased each other around the paths and may have gotten lost one or three times, but it never worried them. They'd just laugh it off and blindly find their way back sooner or later. And Harry may have 'accidentally' squirted Louis with his juice which resulted in him spraying Harry back and opening up one of his sandwiches and smearing it on his face. His retaliation against the small boy was to shove their cheeks against one another so Louis was just as much of a mess as he was.

In the calmer times they'd have a chat for a bit, but it'd only last about ten minutes before Harry would give Louis a wet willy or Louis would grab one of Harry's precious vegetables and shove it in his mouth to shut him up which may or may not have ended in a food fight that they'd hate to clean later. The pictures Louis took of Harry were of course some of him aware of it but he also took some of him being the cutest thing ever. Like when Harry picked a flower and went to stick it in Louis' hair or when he tripped over his own feet and laid sprawled out on the floor with his eyes clenched shut in pain. But his favourite picture he took was the one where Harry took the flower from Louis' ear and posed within the patch, crouching down in the patch of miniature sunflowers saying,  _"look Lou, it's like I'm taking a picture with you."_

Both boys were having an absolute blast. It was the best picnic Harry's ever been on and as for Louis, this was something he'd remember forever. He'd never been on a picnic before and Harry definitely had set high standards for him— it's not like anyone else would take him out for a picnic though. And it all seemed strange in a way. Like how Louis had suddenly became so comfortable with Harry that he'd not only go somewhere with him thirty minutes out of town, but ride along with him in the car for those thirty minutes plus another thirty back. Just this morning he was tense and upset but now he felt happy and carefree.

"Okay, okay, stop!" Louis giggled as he squirmed on the blanket while batting away Harry's fingers from his belly.

"I will when you admit it," Harry said over the wonderful laughs coming from beneath him.

"I won't!"

"Neither will I."

"It hurts, Harry, it hurts!"

"Sounds like you're liking my tickles."

"Noooo!" Louis continued to squirm and writhe until he couldn't take it anymore. He was laughing so hard for so long his stomach was starting to hurt and his muscles started to tense. "Fine! I'm the prettiest sunflower in the patch." Harry removed his hands from Louis' tummy giving him instant relief from the pain.

"That's right you are," Harry huffed as he laid on his back next to Louis.

"That was the most ridiculous thing I ever had to say."

"Doesn't make it any less true."

Both boys watched the clouds that made an appearance float by, mentally making notes of their shapes. "So what was all this about?"

"How do you mean?"

"I know you said you wanted to cheer me up and stuff, but like- why here? Why today?"

"Just wanted to hang out with a friend, make him smile or whatever." He nudged his shoulder against Louis' and smirked knowing that Louis was smiling.

"So you do this with all your friends?"

"Yep."

"Really?" Louis found it hard to believe that Zayn would agree to something like this.

"Okay, I might have made an exception for you but if it makes you feel any better I'm sure Niall would've agreed to come here with me."

"Oh yes, I'm flattered." Louis rolled his eyes, sitting up on his elbows.

"But it would've been different. Just the whole dynamic between you and me is different with Niall. But I still had a great time. Honest."

"Niall doesn't like flowers."

"No, not too much." Harry laughed, before giving Louis a small frown.

"It's fine, Harry. Niall's a nice boy, he just did what he had to do to survive I guess." It was obvious that it wasn't fine because of the way Louis' whole demeanor changed but Harry didn't want to comment on it. He wanted to keep the mood light and fun like it was before but there was a quote berating his mind that he couldn't seem to let go.

"The moon understands what it means to be human," he blurted out.

"What?" Louis questioned sitting up all the way when Harry did.

"The moon understands what it means to be human." He repeated the phrase and looked into Louis' eyes intently and it was like something clicked in his mind.

"Oh. You finally found it?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

"And what?"

"What'd you think?"

Harry huffed and looked to the ground, using a finger to draw patterns in the dirt. "I'm here for you, yeah? I'm you're friend and unless you're a sociopathic serial killer, there's no way you're getting rid of me." Louis laughed, shaking his head at Harry's wit. "You're strong Lou, whether or not you believe it. You are strong and you can do this. If you can't hold onto yourself, hold onto me and I'll guide you through it."

He wasn't going to cry. Absolutely not. He was not going to cry. But he probably would have if he still didn't feel that tingling bit of happiness flowing through his veins. "Thank you, really. I'm just- a mess and I'm trying my best but I'm not sure if it's enough."

"What do you mean? It's more than enough kitten. You're setting the bar way too high for yourself and you're never going to reach it. Notice the good and achievements your making because it is enough.  _You_  are enough."

"I'm whatever." Louis was smiling again and that's all that mattered to Harry. He didn't seem completely torn up by their conversation but it definitely put a dent in the mood.

"We can be whatever together." Harry wrapped an arm around Louis' shoulders and pulled him in close. "Just you and me."

"Maybe we should get going before it gets too dark," Louis commented. The sun was starting to set sooner these days and Louis didn't like walking in the dark.

"Yeah, let's clean up this area and then we could head out." Together, they cleaned up the bits of food that were thrown sporadically throughout the rectangle they were in. Louis was tasked to fold the blanket while Harry packed all the food back into their respectful bags. "What are you laughing at?" Harry asked while picking all the bags up and taking the blanket from Louis.

"You've got mayo right-" Louis reached up and picked the mayonnaise out of Harry's curls with a laugh escaping his lips.

"Thanks."

"Yup."

The two boys made their way back to Harry's car that took about double the time it took to get into the patch since it was getting darker and darker by the second. "Can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?"

"Just been wondering why that quote. Like you could've had me say,  _'the pizza's ready'_  but you chose,  _'The moon understands what it means to be human.'_ Why?"

"Remember when we had that conversation about the earth and the moon?" He had to think hard about it, but he did remember the conversation they had. When Louis looked up at him, Harry nodded his head in response. "The more I thought about it, the more I realized that you're the moon."

"Yeah, and why's that?"

"Because. The moon's loyal. The moon is always there watching everything from our good to bad times but it never judges because just like us, the moon changes constantly. Just like us, the moon is imperfect but tries to shine his best."

Harry thought about what Louis said before speaking himself. In a way it made sense to relate that to him, but remembering the discussion they had before he knew Louis was the moon. No doubt. "Very metaphorical. But I feel like I only relate to the moon metaphorically, where you fit it to a T. Not the whole insignificant part but without the moon life on earth would change drastically."

"Don't know about that." They finally reached Harry's car and got themselves situated before he pulled off and drove home.

It was quiet for most of the ride back. The only sound that could be heard was the low hum of the radio whispering songs through the speaker or the sound of wind gushing against the windows. Louis had his body turned towards the window so he could lay his head against the seat as he watched the towns pass by while listening to Harry's deep hum following along with the music.

"What if I was the sun?" Harry asked when only having about ten minutes left of the drive.

"Why?" Louis asked straightening out his body and looking to the driver's side of the car. "Because you think the world revolves around you?"

"Well." Harry raised his brows, trying to hide his smirk but failed. "I'm joking. But seriously, the sun."

"But they don't coexist? And you-"

"Yeah, they don't always meet, but there are times they get to see each other. Like dusk and dawn."

"The beginning and end of each day."

"But the most beautiful times of the day. And that's kind of like us; we only really meet up before and after school."

"Yeah, but it's not really the same."

"Don't think so technical."

"Okay fine, I guess." Harry turned into their neighbourhood, driving slowly down the roads because he didn't want this night to end. "So why the sun?"

"Everyday the sun is willing to use its light to help the moon glow in times of darkness and never asks for anything in return." Well, when he put it that way, yeah. Harry could definitely be the sun.

Louis went with the metaphor but also took this as an opportunity to dig deeper into the depths of Harry's mind. "But why would the sun keep giving sunlight to the moon if it never gets anything in return?"

"If the sun has enough light, why not share it with others who need it more?" Harry parked in front of Louis' house, turning to see him smiling with a twinkle in his eyes he had never seen before. "We're here," he said through a smile.

Louis rotated his head to look towards his house and his smile faded away. If he could, he'd spend all his time with Harry because for once in his life he felt something other than numbed pain. "Yeah," he whispered in disappointment but when he looked back over to Harry the smile reappeared and the heaviness in his heart floated away. "Thank you for today and everything. I'm just-" Louis sighed out a laugh, looking to his lap. "It was a fun time and you made me feel better from the dump I was in this morning."

"Have a good night mon chéri." Harry smiled, lifting Louis' hand to press a kiss to the back of it. As Louis opened the car door to walk up the drive, Harry called out, "sleep well. If you're having troubles, just look to the moon and know that I'll be dreaming of you."

"You're ridiculous Harry Styles." Louis laughed, shutting the door behind him and pranced his way to his house.

Harry watched him until he disappeared behind the wooden door with a satisfied smile smothered across his lips. Louis Tomlinson was like none other. "One day the moon will realize that it doesn't need the sun to shine."

When Louis entered his home, his parents were on the main level, Laura cooking in the kitchen and Charles sitting on the couch filling out paperwork with the telly on in the background. "Where've you been bub?" Laura asked her son.

"Was with Harry," he sang as he skipped up the stairs to his room.

"Hey sport," Charles said, turning around on the couch to see his son in an oddly great mood.

"Hi." And the door shut behind him without another word coming from him which left his parents in shock and confusion over the switch in moods but they left it be and continued on what they were doing before in a better mood themselves knowing their son was smiling tonight. Even if it was temporary.


	29. they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul and yours are empty

mood: count on me- bruno mars  
  
  
  
  


** Thursday, October 25th 11:43 am **

Another day another dollar. In many ways that applied to Louis— going through the same thing every damn day. Everyday was the same, the only thing that would change would be his outlook on it and today Louis didn't have one. To him it was just another dreadful day another dark thought. He kept to himself more than he usually would, making himself appear much smaller than he already was, put on edge more than usual. All day he tuned out his teachers and would get lost in his thoughts and wouldn't break out from them until the release bell rang.

It wasn't unlike Louis to overthink and get lost in thought, but it was unlike him to allow it to distract him from his schooling. School was one of his escapes, despite the bullying. He may be bullied but at least that was a way to distract him from the nightmare that was his life. It was sad, but he'd rather be bullied than have to live through his past over and over again. But today was an exception. Maybe it was because the days were getting dark sooner and the temperature was dropping, or maybe it was just Louis being Louis. Either way, he didn't feel good.

In a few of his classes Louis heard his teachers call on him to answer a question to which he didn't give one, even when the whole class would look at him and make snarky remarks. He remained to himself, looking down at his desk, drowning in front of people who didn't even care the slightest bit to throw as much as a rope to help save him from himself. Everyone and everything was blocked out. Except Harry, of course. He wanted to but he didn't want Harry questioning or worrying about him. So he did what he did best: act. Harry had his own problems to deal with and adding Louis to the list wasn't something he wanted.

Even though it was mentally and emotionally draining trying to fight all the voices to keep hush while attempting to act okay, he still did for the sake of keeping Harry happy. He hated to be burden in someone's life who exuded nothing but pure joy. The past few days Harry had been sitting with Louis in the library during lunch and ate his food while Louis did his homework. Sometimes they talked, other times Harry let him do his homework in peace, not wanting to disrupt his focus or push him to talk when he so obviously didn't want to. They were in the library after all, so a full-blown conversation with jokes and giggles wasn't the most appropriate, especially after their history in the library.

Today they talked a bit despite Louis not really feeling it. He didn't mind, of course, because it was Harry, and Harry was usually lovely company, but all the talking and forcing his eyes open to make it appear as though he wasn't exhausted and making sure his breathing was normal wasted too much energy. And he knew Harry sensed that he was off but decided to make no comments on it. Instead of addressing it directly he would scrunch his eyebrows and make a few faces letting him know he in fact knew of the whole sham.

By the end of the dreaded school day Louis was feeling slightly better and that's only because of theatre. He could be having the worst day of his life but the minute he stepped into the auditorium he felt so much better, alive even. It may be the one class he didn't feel completely alone. The students were drama nerds, most of the time pushed away from the school's hierarchy. Of course not everyone in theatre was seen as a loser, none really, they were just their own social group. Louis never considered himself to be a part of their social group since he only did backstage stuff— basically like a crew member.

His classmates were never mean to him, but they never really took the time to get to know him. They were nice and sometimes attempted at small talk with Louis, but he usually never replied and when he did it was only in short answers or a slight nod. The only other interaction that Louis would have with the other students were when they encouraged him to get on the stage and take a roll in the script they were sightreading for the day instead of sorting through the racks of clothes, but he'd of course refuse. Louis never would mind, he liked it that way. It felt like the norm and for once he felt the closest to normal he had ever been. At least there was a class that allowed him to feel safe compared to the corroded corridors he had to trudge through all day.

The release bell was to ring soon so Louis was packing up his things from class before struggling to pull away racks of clothing whilst carrying props into their respected rooms. "Do you need any help?" a voice Louis had definitely heard before but couldn't put a name to asked.

"Please?" Louis chuckled continuing to walk.

"Alright, slow down cowboy," the person laughed behind him. Louis slowed down as the guy came up to him to grab the props from his arms and around his neck. While grabbing the items from his arms, the person's hand brushed against Louis' chest and he dropped anything that was left in his arms and pressed his arms to his sides as his body tensed and his eyes squeezed shut. "Oh, I-I'm sorry. I'm, uh, I-" he drifted off and touched Louis' shoulder for comfort causing him to take a step back, throw his hands up in front of his chest, and tense his muscles just a bit more. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I don't- what do I do?" Louis' body was relaxing little by little, but his breathing and heartbeat was picking up. With so many bad experiences during school hours, Louis had to keep reminding himself that he was in theatre and not in some custodial closet where no eyes could see the harm. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to touch you. I wasn't- I'm not going to hurt you Louis."

At the sound of his name and the soothing tone of the boy's voice, Louis relaxed but was still on edge. He opened his eyes to examine the boy before him with furrowed brows. "You know my name?" he asked the boy.

"Yeah, we all do. And I mean, we've been in this same class for three years now." The boy seemed a tad upset that Louis didn't know who he was after having spent the majority of his high school career in the same class.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Um, I don't really talk," Louis chuckled, "or pay attention to people that much. What's your name?"

"No worries. I'm Liam. Liam Payne, that is." Liam smiled and stuck his hand out for Louis to shake. He was a few centimetres taller than Louis with a short buzz cut, brown eyes, and a toned, but not too toned, body (from what he could tell through clothes). He wore a red plaid shirt with blue skinnies and white trainers.

Louis delicately took his hand and shook it with very little emphasis with a soft smile. "Nice to meet you, I'm Louis." His face flushed a deep red and he looked down to the wooden floors of backstage. "I-I don't know why I said that. You already know my name."

Liam chuckled and shook his head. "It's all good. Let's put this stuff away, yeah?" Louis nodded as Liam grabbed the fallen props off the floor and walked towards the prop room. "So, theatre?"

"Um yeah," Louis said, mentally fighting himself to talk to Liam by reminding himself of the advice Harry briefly gave him weeks ago. "I um, I've always loved theatre but I'm, uh, I'm too chicken to, uh, do the on stage stuff I guess." His words were rambled and soft and slightly choppy, but he was proud of himself. He was talking to a stranger and that wasn't something he did (Harry was different because he had very annoying and intense prodding behaviour and would quite literally force answers out of Louis).

"That's pretty cool. I just like making things," Liam responsed, opening the door to the prop room and placed all the items randomly throughout the shelves. "And maybe you should give the stage a try, you'll never know until you try it out."

Louis shook his head as he pushed the rack to the corner opposite of the door. "No, I don't think I could do that."

"Why not?"

"Too many people in the crowds. A lot of people to judge you. Enough for me to not leave my room for weeks from embarrassment at least."

"They'll only judge if you're bad."

"Who's to say I'm good? Talent is subjective and you can't please everyone. That's what scares me."

Liam leaned his back against one of the shelves facing Louis. "That's true. Try doing it by yourself. Then slowly perform in front of your friends until you get comfortable to perform in front of a crowd. I see the people in class tell the freshies that at least."

A frown slowly made its way onto Louis' face, replacing the smile that he was sure was going to make an appearance. "I don't have any friends but thanks for the advice."

"Really?"

Louis shrugged his shoulders, pursed his lips, and crossed his arms over his chest. "I mean, I guess Harry's my friend but he's popular so I doubt he's genuine about it."

"Harry Styles? You're friends with Harry Styles?" Louis shrugged his shoulders again, knitting his brows together. "I heard he was a sweetheart, no?"

"I mean, sure. But I just don't think someone like him would want to be friends with someone like me."

Liam furrowed his eyebrows, crossing his arms and propping a foot up on the shelf behind him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Louis shrugged his shoulders. "He's the popular kid and I'm the school's freak— a loser." He cringed at those names because they held so much history and bad memories, but they were true weren't they?

Liam sighed and scanned across the room. "You know," he began before looking to Louis again, "I think you're brave. These kids bully you for something you can't control. And just know you're not alone, I'm sure there are other kids in this school who are gay too. But none as brave enough as you."

"It wasn't my choice to come out," Louis said softly looking down to his feet.

"Either way, you're brave to come to school everyday proud of who you are no matter what other people say."

"I'm not proud of who I am."

"Well, you should be." Louis' eyes were still to his feet as Liam took careful steps towards him. "Does Harry think you're brave?"

Louis rolled his eyes, looking at the boy who was now much closer than he last remembered. "He-" Louis was cut off from the vibration of his phone. "Um, give me a second." He unlocked his phone to reveal a message from none other than Harry.

_[Harry]: where are you?_

"Oh snap. Shoot." Louis started to panic. He looked at his phone while shifting around as if trying to move but not knowing which way to go.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Liam questioned with scrunched brows and was careful not to touch Louis this time.

"I uh, I forgot- I've got to go. I'm sorry, I've got to go. It was nice meeting you Liam." Louis scurried his way around tables and shelves to find his way out the room.

"Yeah, it was ni-" he cut himself off when he realized Louis wasn't in the room anymore. "-ce to meet you too Louis." He smiled to himself, hitting his fist into his palm a few times before walking out the room with a huge grin plastered on his face. "Louis."

Louis was rushing down the nearly empty halls to get to his locker as fast as he could. He completely forgot that Harry asked Louis to meet up with him at their lockers at the end of the day. And he, of course, gave Louis some leeway to wait for the corridors to clear out some. He turned down the main hall to where his locker was and saw Harry leaning against it. "Harry, I'm sorry. I forgot. I uh, I don't know. I'm sorry." Harry snapped his head to the left from the sound of the familiar voice. There wasn't the usual smile on his face but a flat line that was slightly quirked up to one side in its place. Even though Harry wasn't in the best mood, he still outstretched his arms for a hug. Louis stopped right in front of him, keeping his arms to his sides and looked him in the eye. "I'm sorry I forgot."

Harry kept his arms outstretched not saying a word and stared back into Louis' eyes expecting him to get the hint. But when Louis never moved, Harry grabbed one of his backpack straps to pull him into a hug. He loosely wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and gently leaned his head on the strap of his backpack. "You stood me up." His voice was quiet and sheltered, whispered into the softness of Louis' waves.

"No, I just forgot, I'm sorry I was, um, I was caught up having to put some things away from class and meeting you just slipped my mind and I was talking to someone and I don't- I'm sorry."

"Wait-" Harry pulled arms length away with furrowed brows. "You were talking to someone?" Louis flattened his lips into a straight line and nodded his head. "It was alright, yeah? They weren't mean or anything?"

"No, it was fine."

"Who was it?"

"Some boy from my class. Sorry for getting caught up, I had to put all these things away and-"

"Stop apologising," Harry bluntly said, seemingly more annoyed than he was when Louis first got there.

"Right."

"Are we cool?" Louis gave him a puzzled look not really understanding what he was trying to get at. "Like, are we alright? Are we still friends or?" His eyes were shimmering in the light. "Did I- did I do something? I just- you've been so distant with me and I just want to know what I did." This was something Louis expected Harry to be upset about, but he didn't think he'd be so upset that he'd cry. So it was obvious that something else was going on with him.

"Why are you crying?" Louis reached up to wipe the tear the ran down Harry's cheek and he closed his eyes and melted into Louis' touch.

Harry grabbed Louis' hand and guided him out the building. "Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Louis followed along— well he was practically being dragged by Harry to the car park.

"My car."

"You drove?"

Harry stopped in front of his car and sighed. "Well, you left without me this morning so." He opened the passenger door for Louis to get in. Though he was still hesitant, he stepped into the car and stared straight ahead and waited for Harry to get into the car. When he did, they sat in silence and stared straight ahead out the windshield.

A few minutes of silence pass. Louis looked down to his hands and fidgeted with his fingers to distract himself from the suffocating peace, but Harry kept his gaze straight ahead, zoning out on a tree ahead of him. A sniffle from Harry broke the silence and Louis looked up at him with furrowed brows. "Harry?" Louis asked. "What's wrong?" He didn't respond and kept his gaze forward. The sound of Louis' voice seemed to only make matters more delicate and Harry let out a shaky breath, dropping his head back onto his head rest, squeezing his eyes shut. "Harry?" Louis reached over to hold Harry's hands in his own. "Hey, talk to me."

Harry looked to their hands and then up at Louis with furrowed brows. "Friends don't hold hands?"

Louis chuckled and shook his head with a smile. "Normal friends don't hold hands, but we do. We hold hands whenever we want to and there's nothing wrong with holding your friend's hand, not for us at least and you look like you need comforting."

Harry closed his eyes with a smile, leaning his head against his head rest. This was the progress he had been looking for. "Sunshine." He squeezed Louis' hand and brought them up to his lips and kissed the back of Louis' hand.

He flushed red and smiled, hiding his face in his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Can you tell me why you've been so distant with me these past few days? I thought- was it me? I mean like on Tuesday was I stepping out of bounds? Because if I was, I'm so sorry. I just, I don't know. I only wanted to cheer you up and if I went overboard please tell me and I won't do it again." Harry paused and watched himself stroke the back of Louis' hand with the pad of his thumb. "I had a really good time and I thought you did too but maybe that was just me mistaking my feelings for yours."

Louis looked down to their hands as well to see what was so interesting. "I-I did have a good time. It was really nice and thoughtful of you, really. You did brighten up my day even though you do that with all of your friends."

Harry laughed lightly, a smile appearing on his face. "Hey, I told you I made an exception for you. I promise I will never take Niall there if it'll make you feel any better." The corners of Louis' lips quirked up slightly as he looked up and shook his head at Harry. "But seriously, if I'm being too much tell me and I'll step back. I know I can be too much at times."

Louis chuckled and used his free hand to trace the tattoo that was inked onto Harry's wrist. "You're always too much, that's like your trademark. That's the only way we became friends."

They both laughed and Harry watched Louis follow the patterns etched onto his skin. "Yeah, I guess so."

"You are too much, but you've always been that way so it's nothing I'm not used to."

"Then what did I do? I mean, we haven't talked much since Tuesday and you haven't been your quirky self."

"It's not you, it's me."

"Are we breaking up right now?"

Louis gave a dry laugh and spoke softly, shyly. "You didn't do anything. It's just-" Louis drifted off, struggling to find the right words.

"What is it kitten?"

Louis sighed and let go of Harry's hands. "I just- I don't know Harry. I guess I'm just not used to this, any of it. I'm not used to someone talking to me or missing me or texting me or even caring for me. People don't just take me to random places they've researched. It's not anything personal, you know? You're just you. You're new here and you're already super popular. You're friends with Zayn, most likely will be on the rugby team, and you dated the cheer co-captain, the most popular girl in school. And you're talking to me? Wanting to be friends with me? I'm just Louis. An outcast, a loser, the freak, the school's fag."

"Don't you dare say that."

"It's true isn't it?" His eyes started to well up. "You're new and you're risking everything to be friends with me." Louis wiped at his eyes, scolding himself for getting emotional quickly. "As much fun that I have with you, there's always that voice in my mind telling me I'm not good enough for you— to be your friend."

"Everything? High school isn't  _everything_  and popularity doesn't matter, friendship does. I don't care about my popularity or a reputation that you may think you have. High school ends but friendships are forever when you find the right ones." Harry grabbed onto Louis' hands, giving them a squeeze in hope that Louis knew he was being genuine. "And you already know that I think  _I'm_  not worthy of  _your_  friendship so you don't even have to worry about that."

"I don't want you to suffer because of me. You're Harry Smiles. The world generates when you smile."

"And you, my good sir, are Louis Smilinson. The only reason this world even turns in the first place. You're smile is sunshine. The reason everything on earth is alive."

"Stop," Louis whispered with a smile on his face.

"Look at me." Louis looked up to see Harry smiling with a tear rolling down his cheek. He reached up to wipe tear away when Harry tilted his face towards his hand. "I don't want you to suffer because of you." Harry smiled when Louis started to rub his thumb along his cheekbone. "Hey, I want to take you somewhere."

"But-"

"Please? It's not too far from here. We could walk."

"Where is it?"

"Trust me, please? You're safe with me Lou, I promise. I just- I don't want to talk in here. I feel like I'm suffocating and I just want to breathe."

"Yeah, okay. Yeah." Louis nodded and stepped out the car when Harry did, following his direction. They walked for a while before Harry led them into the woods, worrying Louis. "Harry, where are we going?" He stopped a few feet into the entrance with slumped shoulders and hooded eyes because even though Harry's a nice guy, it'd be foolish to think he wasn't capable of murder. Isn't anyone?

Harry kept walking until he didn't hear Louis' footsteps behind him and turned around to see Louis through twigs and branches, standing still a few metres away. He neared back towards him and grabbed his hand. "Trust me, yeah?" Louis flinched away when Harry grabbed his wrist but allowed himself to be dragged further into the woods, trying to build trust. They walked through twigs and brushes, branches and thorns, a few poking at Louis and whenever Harry would here a complaint, he'd make sure he was okay. Harry insisted they couldn't get to where he wanted to go by taking deer paths, but Louis never protested. The woods weren't his thing. He wasn't much of an outdoors person and that was evident when he didn't even know how to navigate through the woods. Everything looked the same to him and he couldn't tell north from south.

They stopped in a secluded area; the patch was cleared out of any trees and the grass thick and untamed, a dying green color, and trimmed in some areas. The skinniest stream ran down the middle of the section with two tree stumps on either side of it. There was nothing there and yet Louis found it kind of perfect in a very minimalistic way. Harry guided Louis to sit on one of the stumps and sat crisscrossed facing the other stump. "So. Why'd you bring me here?" Louis whispered fiddling with his fingers.

"Wanted to talk, remember?" Harry said sitting across from Louis, mirroring his position.

"And you brought me here?"

"Wanted fresh air and I thought of this place. Are you cold?" A chilling wind passed through the trees and Louis was a bit cold but he shook his head. "Well, I also wanted to bring you here because you don't know your way out so you can't run away."

"Y-you're not going to kill me, right?"

Harry chuckled against his will and cleared his throat saying, "no, Lou."

"Why don't you want me to run?"

"You can run if you want, but I'm not going to look for you." He paused for a few seconds. "Actually, yes, I will, but please don't run."

"What'd you want to talk about?" Louis' finger traced along the many rings on the stump.

"Let's talk about you."

"But we were talking about you."

"Yeah, but you're more important than me so." Harry watched Louis trace the patterns of the stump and found it incredibly endearing. He looked like a sweet child, minding his own business but Harry thought he was the cutest thing. "Look at me?" Louis was hesitant but looked up at Harry who smiled a few seconds later. "Hi sunshine." Louis offered him a fake smile. "How's Louis?"

Louis giggled softly at the fact that Harry was talking in third person. "I'm okay, how's Harry?"

Harry squinted his eyes for a brief second before relaxing them. "I'm okay." Louis only nodded and looked back down to the stump. "You know," Harry began causing Louis to snap his head back up, "they say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and yours are empty." Louis looked at him confused. He obviously knew what he meant, but he thought he was a better actor than that. "I thought we were past all the lying."

"What are you-"

"Please don't act dumb, you're the smartest person I know. Now, answer me truthfully. I was honest with you, so be honest with me. How are you?"

"Harry, I'm fi-"

"No you're not. How are you?"

"Harry."

"We could be here all night when the moon's shining and the wolves are howling."

"You have other things to be worrying about. Like what we were talking about before but you didn't tell m-"

"But right now, I'm worrying about you. So please, how are you?"

"I'm not good," Louis mumbled under his breath.

"Well I know that; you didn't have to tell me for me to know. What's going on inside that brain? Besides all that crap you tried feeding me earlier about reputations and what not. What's really wrong?" Louis opened his mouth only to close it again. "Please talk to me, you can trust me you know."

Louis bit the inside of his cheek while tapping his fingers on his knee. He was anxious, so anxious, but when he looked up and met eyes with Harry his insides warmed and a small smile appeared on his face as if every worry that flowed within him completely disappeared. "Nothing's really wrong, at least I don't think. Nothing upset me in particular if that's what you're asking. I just- I woke up not really feeling today. Don't have much energy to keep dragging through the day."

"Yeah?" Louis nodded keeping the eye contact they had. "I feel like that sometimes too. Like when you wake up and everything feels heavy. You can't open your eyes because it feels like they're sealed shut, your limbs weigh a thousand pounds like you're paralyzed from the neck down. I'm not saying I know exactly how you feel, but I've felt something similar to it— trudging through the day, fighting with yourself to not give up when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of time."

"Yeah, exactly. But it's like... you have to go through the day and you have to put on a show."

"You don't  _have_  to put on a show."

"In order to keep the world at peace, I do."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because," Louis sighed, shifting his bum on the wood underneath him. "If you keep to yourself no wrong can happen. If I put on a show, everything will remain balanced. It's not like anyone would care anyway but-"

"I care. What do you mean no one would care? I do."

"If I put on a show then you could carry on with your day how it was meant to be without me making interruptions."

"Is that what you really think?" Harry asked, shifting his position so his feet planted on the ground and his elbows on his knees. "Lou?" He received a shrug as Louis dropped his head to look at the ground. "Hey, you know that's not true, right? You're not an interruption in my life." He reached forward to take Louis' hands in his, tugging on them for Louis to look at him. "You know, every morning I wake up, you're the first thought in my mind— it's been that way since we first met. At first I'd worry about you and wish nothing but the best for you, but now? Now I wish that maybe we could hang out or maybe we could talk more than the day before. You think my day was created without you when in reality I'm always wishing for you to 'interrupt' my day. I  _want_  you to take my life in a different direction because I'd rather have that than a boring day without my crazy best friend Louis."

Louis laughed, bouncing their hands up and down. "Crazy best friend," he repeated with a smile. That was something, wasn't it?  _Best friend_. He hadn't heard that in forever.

"Hey, don't cry. Why're you crying kitten?"

"You. Just- you're you."

"I'm just me. I'm new here and I'm already super popular." His tone was mocking that of Louis' but still playful. "I'm friends with Zayn and will most likely will be on the rugby team, and I dated the cheer co-captain, the most popular girl in school." Louis laughed, hitting Harry with his own hand. "And you wonder why I talk to you, why I want to be friends with you. Because you think you're just Louis. An outcast, a loser, the freak. But you're not just Louis."

"I'm not?"

"No lovely. You're so much more than just a body. You've got a great personality and so many talents— ones that I'm aware of and probably way more that are hidden. You've got soft hair and a pretty face. You're more than just Louis."

"You think?"

"I know." Louis was looking down to their hands with a wide smile on his face. "Was that it? That's all that's been bringing you down?"

"I mean, I've been thinking about Emily a lot lately. She would've liked the sunflowers."

"Were those her favourite too?"

"No, she liked lily stargazers. You know, the pink ones? But she loved flowers like me so she would've loved that place."

"That's why you've been thinking of her? Because of the sunflowers?"

"I'm always thinking of her, the sunflowers just the cherry on top and I guess I'm just upset because I can't go there with her."

"She was there with us, though. In here." Harry let go of Louis' hands and pointed to his heart.

"Yeah but it's not the same," Louis responded, swatting his hand away.

"True, but that's all you have now."

"I know."

"If it makes you feel any better, you have me now. I know I'm probably complete rubbish compared to Emily but I can try my best. And I'm not trying to replace her by any means, I just don't want you to be stuck in a dark place because your outlet is gone."

"I know. Thanks by the way. I know I'm difficult but I am trying. I'm sorry for always doubting you, I'm just- it's hard."

"I know kitten, and it's not going unnoticed. Stop thanking me. You're not used to it, I understand. I'm here." They exchanged smiles and fell into a silence that felt nice. It never got awkward or felt like there was tension between the two of them. "You know what got me through the day?" Louis raised his eyebrows as if asking what. "Going home and knowing I was safe. When I walk through those doors and smell the warm scent of my house. Knowing my sister would be there to make me comfort food and warm tea and just let me rest because she knew I needed it."

"Would?" Louis wanted to comment how he didn't feel safe in his own house anymore but maybe now wasn't the time for such a heavy matter so he focused on Harry and his story.

"She's away at university now. Said she'd only come back home on breaks, which hasn't happened yet so."

"Were you sad? Like when you'd wake up feeling like that, were you depressed?" Louis was hesitant on asking the question, not wanting to intrude or cause any possible triggers because he knew how that could be.

Harry shook his head. "No, I've always been a pretty happy boy but everyone has their off days, some worse than others."

"Happy suits you."

"What makes you feel better on days like these?" Harry asked, brushing his knuckles on Louis' knee.

Louis shrugged. "Don't know." He honestly didn't. No one's really cared enough to ask and he didn't tell his parents anything— not like he left his room anyway. "Never really thought about it, I guess."

"Well, I guess we're gonna find out today. You look like a tea kind of guy. I'd say-" he blew raspberries while thinking. "Yorkshire?"

"Harry Styles, a genius? Who would've known?" Louis chuckled, his mood brightening.

"Am I right?" Louis smiled and nodded his head. Harry fist pumped the air in celebration causing Louis to giggle. "Wow, I guess I just know you. Pour the tea into the milk, no sugar?"

"That was oddly specific, but I mean, yeah. Are you stalking me, Curly?"

"Was that a nickname I heard?" The mood was much lighter and brighter than a few minutes ago and they both quite liked it. Harry liked it when Louis was laughing and joking around and Louis liked it when Harry was a distraction so it was a win-win situation.

"Am I that easy to read?" Louis blushed looking down.

Harry hummed, contemplating his answer. It was a dumb question because the obvious answer was no. Harry had to fight to get into Louis' mind and even then he was difficult to read. "I'd say no. You've gotten this far without people even questioning why you tense at human contact or why your eyes are supposed to be blue but are a dulled grey."

"Nobody but you."

"Yeah, well I'm different. And look, you don't tense as much anymore, not with me at least, and your eyes have so much more light than when we first met so I promise you, you are making progress."

"You're incredible Harry Styles," Louis derisively gushed to tease the curly-haired boy.

"I know kitten," Harry rolled his eyes but went along with the banter. "Now, let's get you home so we can find out what makes you feel better." He stood from the stump he was sitting on and stuck his hand out to help Louis up and guided the two out of the woods with ease.

"Hey Harry?" Louis asked when they were finally out of the woods, getting a hum and smile in response. "How'd you know about that place?"

Harry shrugged, looking back to the sidewalk. "I like to explore."

"Alone?"

"Mostly, why? You wanna come with me next time?"

Louis shook his head and laughed. "No, I'm not a nature person."

"We don't have to go to the woods, you know. We could go somewhere else. Anywhere you'd like." As they walked back to Harry's car, he grabbed Louis' hand and entwined their fingers.

Louis kept his grip loose and looked to their hands and up to Harry. "What, what are you doing?"

Harry looked down confused because he didn't see a problem. "What?"

Louis motioned towards their hands with his eyes. "You're holding my hand."

"Yeah? Don't we always?" He gave Louis' hand a squeeze of comfort but it didn't the exact opposite.

"N-no. Not like this. Not out here." Louis tried wriggling his hand out of Harry's but he had a firm grip. "Please Harry," Louis begged.

"Okay sunshine, okay." He let go of Louis' hand but his fingers stayed lingering. "I'm sorry Lou, I just thought it would help."

"Don't worry, Curly. Just not out here."

"Bien sûr monsieur."

Once they made it back to Louis' house, they went directly to the couch and sat in the same spots they always did: Louis pressed to the armrest and Harry towards the middle of the couch. They both pulled out their homework and began working on extended responses and maths equations. Whatever homework was left from lunch Louis flew through without a problem and Harry, well, he had maths homework again and that never ended well for him. For example, he was staring down at his paper distracted in his thoughts. "Lou?"

Louis kept his attention on his homework, never diverting his gaze. "Curly?" he questioned back, scribbling down what the probable causes for schizophrenia.

Harry looked to his right and smiled, completely enamoured by the way Louis bit his bottom lip as he scratched his pencil across the paper and how his eyebrows never scrunched together because nothing was ever too difficult for him. "Look at me?" Louis scribbled down a few words before stilling his pencil and looking up to Harry to see him smiling. "Weren't we supposed to make you some comforting goodies?"

"'m doing homework. We. We're doing homework. Do you need help with your maths?" Louis asked giving him a soft smile.

Harry shook his head and studied Louis carefully. "No, I mean probably, but I want to make you feel okay."

"I feel fine Harry, really."

"No, no, no." He closed his textbook and placed it on the coffee table before standing up and reaching his hand out to Louis. "C'mon, let's go conduct some very scientifical experiments." Louis just stared at him with a cocked brow. If Harry was planning on making him food, he wasn't in the mood for any. Besides, he hated pretty much everything so it'd be a waste of food and time. "Don't leave me hanging Tomlinson." He shook his hand for exaggeration, waiting until Louis took it with an awkward smile. They walked towards the kitchen hand in hand and Harry told Louis to have a seat at the kitchen table. "So, sit here like a princess and I'll be making you things and you tell me how they make you feel, yeah?"

"Do I have a choice?" Louis' stomach went sour at the thought of consuming random foods Harry was going to prepare. He's never been a food person and on top of that he was  _very_  picky. There were only few foods he'd be able to get down without having it come back up.

"Hm," he hummed, putting his finger to his chin and looked up to the side mockingly. "No." He looked back down, pointing at the small boy. "But the good thing is that you get food made for you."

"'m not really hungry." It was the truth but he also was trying to cover it up and act like he wasn't anxious about eating food.

Harry squinted his eyes at Louis scanning over his expression. "Try it at least. If you don't like it pass it over and I'll eat it, yeah? You don't have to eat anything you don't want to, but can you at least try one bite for me?" Louis gave the slightest nod with a weary smile. "Okay, I'll make the tea now."

Harry prepared the tea in the way he thought Louis would like it. He put the tea bag in hot water and in a different mug he filled a quarter of the cup with milk and heated it for fifteen seconds so that it wasn't too warm but still not too cold. Then he added the tea when it was ready and sprinkled barely any sugar on top and stirred it in even though Louis said he didn't like sugar in his tea. Walking the mug over to Louis, he was careful not to spill. "You brought your homework?"

Louis looked up from his textbook with his pencil still touching the paper. "Um, yeah. I was just going to be waiting here so I might as well get my homework done."

He placed the tea right next the textbook and sat down in one of the chairs. "Or you could've talked to me and we could have a bonding moment but  _no_ ," Harry whined. "You're supposed to be relaxing, not doing homework."

"I am relaxed. I like doing homework." He carefully grabbed the cup of tea with the cuffs of his sleeves over his hands to protect them from the heat to which Harry smiled at. Louis was adorable, okay? Leave him alone.

"You're cra- be careful Lou, it's hot," Harry said slowing Louis down from tipping the cup over too fast. "How is it?"

"It's um, it's actually really good." Louis looked up from the rippling liquid and smiled up at Harry.

Harry smiled back with soft eyes and a single dimple popping out. "I'm glad you like it mamour. I've put sugar in it."

"No," Louis gasped in astonishment, looking wide eyed at his mug.

"Yes," Harry gasped back. "Let me make you some food now. I'll be right back." He stood from the chair and walked back to the kitchen and started opening and closing the cupboards, pantry, and fridge looking for different ingredients and foods for all the ideas he had. The first food that came to his mind was a sandwich. A plain sandwich will do, nothing too fancy. He didn't see Louis being a huge fan of mayo, so he spread the thinnest layer on the slices of whole wheat bread (he preferred white bread but that's all there was)— just enough so the sandwich wasn't dry. The lunch meat they had in the fridge was salami and ham but he only grabbed the ham and placed a slice on each slice. Now if the sandwich was for himself, he'd fold the meat and layer them next to each other but, again, he didn't think Louis would like that. "Do you like pickles?" Harry asked from the kitchen.

"No," Louis replied as he scratched down a few numbers.

Harry pushed the pickles aside and the last thing he put on the sandwich was provolone cheese and a tiny tiny bit of salt and vinegar. He cut the sandwich into triangles and walked it over. "Lou? The first one's done."

Louis stopped doing his homework and looked to Harry and down at the plate on the table with a blank expression. "A sandwich."

"Mhm, ham and provolone." Louis nodded and stared down at the plate. He was never really a fan of bread, or carbohydrates for that matter. When digested carbohydrates break down into sugar and excess amounts led to weight gain. And yeah Louis didn't have much to worry about since he only weighed just over seven stone and it wasn't like he ate carbs all that much, but that's exactly what he was scared of. He didn't eat carbs so what if his body reacted differently to it. Harry noticed the anxiety in Louis' face so he picked up both halves and handed one to Louis. "We can try it together, yeah?" Louis hesitantly took the half from Harry's hand and brought it up to his nose to sniff.

"Harry, I really don't want to." His eyebrows were furrowed and he didn't care if he was acting like a child. He didn't like bread.

"Just one small bite. That's it, I promise."

"Okay," Louis whispered. He brought the sandwich up to his mouth and took a small bite— a size that was probably a quarter of Harry's. He chewed it cautiously, making sure it was all broken up before swallowing because for some reason that made him feel more at ease at the thought of eating bread. Harry looked at him with his eyebrows raised and a curious look on his face as he chewed, trying to gauge his reaction. "'s good."

"You don't look like you enjoyed it." He cocked an eyebrow with a look of disbelief on his face.

"No, it was fine. I just don't like bread." Louis picked at the bread, dropping the crumbs on the plate.

"Okay, let me take that away from you then. We'll try something else, yeah?"

Louis gave a small nod. "No more bread." He looked at Harry through his eyelashes.

A chuckle escaped Harry's lips as he grabbed the plate off the table. "Okay, love. No more bread." Harry spent the next thirty minutes preparing food for Louis to see which one made him feel better. He made foods from macaroni and cheese to putting plain graham crackers on a small plate and serving him that. Most of the foods Louis didn't like, though. Like the mac n cheese, supposedly. But Harry could tell that he really enjoyed it but fought with himself to not like it. Louis admitted to liking the chocolate chip cookie teddy grahams and when Harry questioned it Louis said,  _'of course I like them, why else would we have them?'_  to which Harry responded,  _'I don't know, maybe your dad likes them.'_

Right now he was cooking god knows what on the stove— he started to run out of ideas and would put things together that came to mind if he thought they'd go well together. Keys were being shoved in the doorknob, jingling against the wood as it creaked open. "Louis?" Laura asked walking through the door. She saw her son doing his homework at the kitchen with half a cuppa and a small bowl of teddy grahams. "Hey bub." She was confused, stunned even, because Louis never did his homework downstairs and he was having a snack? Louis looked up from his textbook and smiled softly at her before going back to his homework. She walked into the kitchen to unpack her lunchbox when she noticed the variety of plates of different foods and snacks lined up on the countertop and a boiling pot of water. "You're cooking?"

"No," Louis said from the table, not looking up.

"Then what's all this?" She gestured to all the food but Louis still wasn't looking at her.

"Laura, hi," Harry sang as he walked into the kitchen from the bathroom with Laura's apron on. (He honestly didn't need the apron since the 'foodiest' thing he made was the mac n cheese but to each their own).

"Harry, what a pleasure." She offered Harry a hug to which he took and he saw Louis looking at them with a smile on his face. Harry smiled back and gave him a wink before pulling away. Louis may think he got away with the pink flush on his cheeks but Harry saw everything.

"Laura, how are you today? How was work?" Harry mixed the pot of boiling water with a wooden spoon for absolutely no reason because there was nothing in it.

"Everything was fine. May I ask, what's all this?"

"Oh, well," Harry began, pausing to look at Louis to make sure it was okay to tell his mum. Louis gave a small nod with an even smaller smile, appreciative that Harry asked for permission before thinking of telling his mum. "My dear friend Louis right over there-" he pointed to the boy sitting at the table which caused Laura to glance back to her son. "He wasn't having the best day. So I wanted to make him some pick-me-up food. But as you can tell, he hates everything."

"He tried all these?" Laura asked in shock because Louis never ate anything he didn't like, even if she made it.

"Yeah, this is the no section." He gestured his hand over the countertop that was full of about fifteen small plates. "And this is the  _'I don't mind'_  section." He pointed to the counter by the stove that only had two plates: the mac n cheese and sliced apples.

"He liked the macaroni and cheese?" She asked, shocked out of her mind because honestly what was going on and why was Harry wearing her apron?

"Well, he said he didn't but his face said something else." Harry mixed the pot of nothing again. "He liked the tea I made him too. Even after I told him I sprinkled a bit of sugar in it."

"He loves tea," Laura smiled. "Though the sugar part is new." She laughed approaching Harry with furrowed brows when seeing him stir a pot of water. "What are you doing?"

"Um, I kind of ran out of ideas and I told Louis there'd be one more food and I'd hate to disappoint. So I'm pretending to make something until I come up with anything. It's been twenty minutes though and I think he's getting suspicious."

Laura laughed again when Harry panicked a bit. "Here, let me help you out." She turned the stove off and walked to the freezer, pulling out a carton of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"Ice cream?"

"It's his favorite." She grabbed a small mug from the cabinet and plopped two scoops into it.

"I saw that, but I didn't think he'd like it." Laura handed him the mug with a spoon stuck into the ice cream.

"If you need anything, I'll be upstairs." She smiled and walked out the kitchen, disappearing up the stairs and into her room.

Harry walked over to Louis, and sat down in the seat next to him. "Last one Lou," Harry said softly pushing the bowl towards him.

Louis looked to the bowl and then to Harry. "So you're telling me that you've been boiling water pretending to be making something just to give me ice cream twenty minutes later?" Harry smiled and nodded. "Thank you." He took a small scoop onto his spoon and ate the ice cream.

"What's been your favourite?" Harry asked watching Louis' reaction carefully.

Louis shrugged because he honestly forgot the reason why Harry was making all these foods in the first place. He forgot that he wasn't having a good day and that Harry was making him foods to potentially make him feel better. But he had a hard time deciding if it was the foods or Harry's presence that actually made him feel better. Both, possibly? "Um, the teddy grahams, I guess."

Harry smiled and traced the tattoo on his wrist. "Thank you for trying them." Louis nodded, tapping his fingers on the glass table. "So what now?"

"You clean up your mess?" Louis suggested with a smirk.

Harry gasped and dropped his jaw. "Excuse me? I cook, you clean."

"No way Curly. You didn't even cook, you prepared food. I'll be on the couch when you finish." Louis shut his textbook and laid his notebook on top, grabbing both of them and headed towards the couch.

"You're so mean," Harry pouted walking over to the kitchen to clean after himself. He picked up his mess, throwing away some foods and putting others into small baggies for him to take home because he deserved some kind of reward after long, hard work. Once everything was cleaned up Harry jumped onto the couch next to Louis causing him to bounce up. "Hi sunshine." Harry smiled with his mouth open showing off his pearly whites and deep dimples. He laid his head on Louis' shoulder, staring at the telly. "I'm bored. Let's go to your room."

"There's nothing to do in there," Louis replied too quickly. He never really liked people in his room, not that he had many in there. There was always a fear that they'd judge him for how his room looked but the main reason was the obvious: his past. He didn't like people in his room because it only reminded him of Rory and his friends who would corner him or pin him down. Louis didn't like the thought of having people in his room because it would only bring back bad, bad memories.

"Sure there is, we can find something to do." Obviously Harry meant nothing cruel by it but Louis couldn't help but get nervous from that statement. It sounded all too familiar to him and it made him queasy in the stomach. "Also, I wanna see what your room looks like."

"You've been in my room before."

"True, but it was hella dark and I was too worried about taking care of your clumsy self that I didn't get a chance to look at your room. Never got to see the parts of Louis no one's seen before." He lifted his head off Louis' shoulder and was beginning to act suspicious.

"'s nothing special."

"Yeah, we'll see. I'll race you." And at the moment Harry shot up from the cushions and jumped over the couch running towards the stairs.

"No!" Louis protested. He chased after Harry running up the stairs and pulling on his shirt right when his hand turned the knob. Harry leaped into the room slamming onto the floor, pulling Louis along. He laid on Harry's back as he struggled to breath from the force of falling down so hard. Louis rolled off to the side and couldn't help the giggle from escaping. "Are you okay?"

"Hi sunshine," Harry struggled to get the words out, slowly dragging himself off the floor to switch the light on. Harry looked around with wide eyes. He honestly didn't know what to expect. Louis' room was neat, so fucking neat. His bed was perfectly made and perfectly placed so it wasn't in the way but it also wasn't secluded. He looked at the wall with the all the framed artwork that hung up, dragging his fingertips along the painted surface of the dresser. And of course there was no dust. "You did these?" Harry asked turning to look to Louis. He nodded slightly and Harry smiled and turned to look at them again. Some of the paintings were abstract and had no meaning really, they were just victims of Louis' feelings. And others were pretty sunsets reflected in the water or other creative originals. He went around the perimeter of the room and was now on the side of all Louis' pets. "Woah." Harry rushed over to the three animals. "Oh my god, cute." He completely melted at the sight of the small animals, gushing over them. "What're they called?"

"Um, the hedgehog's called Shadow," Louis responded, walking closer to his pets.

"Like from Sonic?" Harry asking looking away from the tank, receiving a nod before looking to the next cage. "What's this?"

"It's a chinchilla." Harry stared at the fluffy creature in the tank in awe. "Called Onyx."

"Onyx has got to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well-" he cut himself off and looked to Louis. "Second cutest." He smiled with both dimples prominent, making Louis blush a deep red from the compliment. "Oh my god it's like a bunny squirrel." It was intended to be whispered to himself, but when Louis laughed, Harry's cheeks tinted pink.

"This is Midnight. She's a rabbit."

"So are we going to pretend like it's normal to name animals after things that are dark?"

Louis shrugged. "What else am I supposed to name them?"

"I don't know. Something normal like Steve."

"Because I'm going to name my hedgehog Steve."

"It's more original than Shadow."

"Whatever."

"Wait, you have your own bathroom?" Harry exclaimed causing Louis to giggle. It was just a bathroom, he didn't see what was so exciting about it. "You're room's really nice Lou. Why're you embarrassed?"

"'m not embarrassed, just don't think anything's special about it." He sat at the edge of his mattress, his feet dangling above the floor because his legs were too short to touch the ground.

"It's way cooler than mine, very homey. Very Louis. I love it." He walked over to Louis, standing in front of him. "May I?" Louis nodded and Harry sat next to him, resting his head down on Louis' shoulder.

"I like your room better," Louis whispered, leaning his head on top of Harry's soft curls.

"Why? Yours is so much cooler."

"Because," Louis paused when he felt Harry's hand snake around his back and his fingers squeezed at his hips. "When I walk into your room I see me."

"Who's the self absorbed one now?" Harry chuckled along with Louis.

"I'm joking." It was very unlike him, but Louis reached over his tummy to touch his fingers to Harry's. He wasn't thinking too much about it, but Harry didn't seem to mind. In fact, it made him smile because Louis was more getting comfortable around him. "I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because it's not my room. I feel much safer in your room."

"But this is your room, your sanctuary."

"Still. Yours feels more at home to me than my own."

"Then maybe you should stay the night sometime. We could do each other's hair and paint each other's nails." Louis giggled, wrapping his fingers tips around Harry's.

"Don't hold your breath Curly."

"It could be fun you know? We could do bro things like face masks and each other's makeup."

"You're ridiculous."

Their laughs died down and the room fell in silence like it always did and the boys sat there, enjoying each other's presence. Their fingers played with each other delicately and minimally but it was enough to set fire to Louis' insides and put a smile on Harry's face. "If I asked you to go with me somewhere, would you come?" Harry asked, breaking the silence.

"Depends, where?" Louis questioned.

"Can't say because I know you're going to say no."

"Then I'm going to say no right now."

Harry carefully lifted his head off of Louis' shoulder with furrowed his eyebrows, keeping his arm securely on his waist. "But you don't even know where I want to take you."

"Yeah but if you don't want to tell me because you think that I'll say no then why agree?"

"Take some risks, yeah? I mean, Lou, please?"

"Where did you want to take me?"

Harry groaned and tucked a curl behind his ear. Louis was definitely the most stubborn person he knew. "I wanted to take you to a Halloween party," Harry murmured quickly.

"You're crazy if you think I'd ever go to a party."

"C'mon, it'll be fun. We can wear matching costumes and everything."

"Absolutely not. And you're even crazier thinking I'd be welcomed or wanted at any of those parties." Louis huffed out a breath of air and laid down on his mattress.

"I want you there though. Who cares what anyone else thinks?" Harry laid down, propping himself up on his elbow to look at the small boy.

"I do Harry, I do."

"Well you shouldn't."

"But I do."

"Please?"

"No."

Honestly, Louis really wanted to go. He always wanted to go to a Halloween party. It was one of his favourite holidays. Pretending to be something or someone you're not for the sake of having a good time. Yeah, he wanted to go, but all people would do is make fun of him, he was sure of it, and that was surely not something he wanted. They do it enough at school, why put himself into a situation where he could be tormented outside of school walls? Pass.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya’ll ain’t ready for what’s to come (:<


	30. the words were like anchors and i didn't want others to drown with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmfao good luck ((:

mood: beneath your beautiful- labyrinth ft. emeli sandé & the story- conan gray  
  
  


** Friday, October 26th 2:42 pm **

"Louis?" he heard a voice call his name from where he was sat on a chair off stage left. He popped his head up and saw Liam approaching him with a smile. "Hey!" His smile was big, almost too big. It reminded him of Harry's stupid smile that would never leave his lips.

"Hi," Louis spoke softly, looking up from his sketchbook where he was working on his latest drawing. He watched Liam sit by the legs of his chair, keeping his distance of course.

"How was your day?"

Liam was a nice boy, no doubt, and he wasn't sore to the eyes that's for sure, but it felt weird talking to someone who wasn't Harry. "Was alright." The difference between Liam and Harry was that with Harry everything just flowed but with Liam he had to think to make conversation. That could just be something as simple as him not knowing Liam well, that's what he thought at least. "How was yours?"

"Just about the same. So, are you going to the Halloween party tonight? If you are, maybe we could go together."

Louis quirked a brow and gave Liam his full undivided and bewildered attention. They formally met yesterday and he was already inviting him places? Maybe he is a lot like Harry after all. "We just met yesterday?"

"Yeah, but parties are a great way to meet and make friends. It could be fun. I'd love to see you outside of class too."

Louis' face flushed a bright pink from Liam's comment. Was he trying to flirt with him or was Louis simply overanalysing things? "Oh, um, no. I, uh, I'm not going. Harry already asked me to go with him yesterday and I turned down his offer so I'll have to do the same with you." A smile was offered as if to apologise for turning him down.

"Hm, so is that what he texted you about?" Liam slid his foot towards him to hug his leg and lean his head against his knee.

"No he just- he wanted to talk." Louis couldn't decipher whether it was the conversation in general or if it was Liam who was irritating him. Both possibly.

"But he did ask you."

"Not really. He was over mine and insisted I go somewhere with him as a surprise but I said no. Then he told me where so-" Louis drifted off, tapping his pen against his notebook.

"So you're telling me that yesterday you said he wasn't much of a friend to you but he went over your place?"

"It's complicated." It was more like  _I'm complicated_  but Liam was nowhere ready for that conversation.

"I can tell," Liam laughed almost in a belittling way and Louis did not like it one bit.

"What is this? An interrogation?"

"No. No, not at all. I'm just- I'm trying to make a friend but I guess that wasn't the best approach."

"Right." The bell rang for last class to be released and with a halfhearted smile Louis slipped his sketchbook into his backpack and walked away.

"I'm sorry. I hope we didn't step off on the wrong foot." Liam stood from his position on the stage to follow Louis towards the exit of the theatre.

"It's fine. Have a good day Liam." Then it was as if he disappeared in thin air right before Liam's eyes and he couldn't help but feel guilty for pressing Louis because he knew he wasn't an open book. He was quite the opposite and he knew that he left a bad impression on the small boy and that didn't sit well with him.

Louis walked home immediately after class without Harry because he knew that he'd rather be with his friends so they could make plans about the party later that night, and was proven right when he never received a complaint text from him. He didn't mind though, why would he? He wasn't going to the party and he didn't own Harry. They weren't attached at the hip so they didn't need to spend every second of every day together. It didn't bother him though, having to walk alone and all. In fact, it almost felt liberating and refreshing to finally get some peace from his newly hectic life. But it did feel weird because Harry usually forced a hangout/homework session or whatever he decided to call it after school and having his own time to himself was surprisingly something he wasn't used to.

When he got home he went straight to his room, flopping on his bed and let out a huge sigh. He stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking about nothing really. The house seemed too quiet without Harry's voice nagging in his ear all evening long but it felt nice to be alone. Not having to try his best to keep a conversation and just being able to relax was rewarding. He didn't have any homework for the weekend so he got under the covers deciding to spend his free time taking a nap.

As Louis napped, Harry was out with his friends talking about who was driving, who was picking up who and when. Harry made up a lie saying that he'd have to show up late so he wouldn't be assigned the responsibility of driving one of his friends, hoping Louis would change his mind about the party last minute. He wanted Louis to go to a party before and he gave up quickly then, but this was different. They knew each other better and it could actually be a lot of fun. Louis had never been to a party and Harry wanted to take his party virginity. Or maybe he just wanted to spend more time with Louis, and taking him to a place with endless amounts of alcohol would surely get him to open up.

"You alright H?" Zayn asked, sitting next to Harry on the boot of his car, smacking the metal to snap him out his thoughts.

"Oh, um, yeah. Sorry. Did you say something?" Harry's eyes wandered to each of his friends for some clue of what was being discussed.

"We just asked why you're gonna show up late," Niall chimed in as he closed the door behind Zayn.

"My mum wanted me to do something for her before I go. I shouldn't be too late though." Harry hoped the lie was believable enough where they wouldn't question it because he didn't think that far into the lie.

"Fuck, you should bring your mum with you. She's smoking hot," one of the boys from the rugby team, Josh, spoke up. Other than Niall, Josh was like Zayn's right hand man. They did everything together and basically had the same thoughts.

Harry rolled his eyes, hopping off the boot. "You guys are gross."

"I'd pipe," Zayn said.

"Me too, she's one fine lady," Tom added.

"Damn right I'll have her on her-" Aiden started but got cut off by a very disgusted and irritated Harry.

"Alright lads, enough. Don't talk about my mum that way. I'll see you all later," he waved as he started walking towards his own car before stopping  and turning back around. "Is it alright if I bring a friend? I'm not sure if he'll come since it's last minute but you guys don't mind, right?"

"Mate, of course not. A friend of yours is a friend of ours," Zayn said wrapping an arm around Harry's shoulder, bringing him close.

He walked out of Zayn touch almost immediately. "Right," he scoffed. "I'll see if he's up for it." Making his way back to his car, Harry was about to slip in the driver's seat when an out of breath voice stopped him.

"Harry?" He turned around to see Niall's bright blue eyes and blinding bleached blonde hair that reflected the sun standing at the back of his car.

"Hey Ni, what's up?" Harry closed his door and leaned against the metal frame of his car, giving him a look of confusion.

He stuck his finger up as he tried to gain his breath. "I'm not physically fit you asshole."

"I didn't say anything," Harry chuckled, tucking a curl behind his ear.

"I know what you're thinking."

"What'd you want peaches?"

"Don't bring Louis to the party." Harry gave him a look that meant a lot of things— a look as if testing Niall to say it again. He was always protective over Louis whenever his friends would talk about him. It didn't happen all that often, but when it did he would defend him casually or just tell them to leave him alone and quickly change the subject. "That's the friend you were talking about, right? If it is, I honestly don't think you should bring him to the party."

Anger filled Harry's veins and he wanted nothing more than to punch something but he remembered that this was Niall, the Irish angel who was always quiet in his defenses and never had a problem with anyone. And Niall was never particularly mean to Louis, especially during that time when Louis unexpectedly showed up to Harry's house. The fact that Niall called to ask if everything was alright made Harry happy. But he always had troubles when dealing with his anger. "And why the fuck not?"

"Yo, chill out H. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying I don't think it's a good idea because Zayn's cohosting the party at his friend's house. I know he doesn't go out much and I just don't want anything bad to happen to him."

Harry crossed his arms and rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Since when have you ever cared about Louis?"

"C'mon Harry, I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but you know how I am. You know I don't agree with all the things Zayn does."

"But you've stood by it. For years." Yes, Niall did ask how Louis was that single time, but what about all the years he left him abandoned? Did he care then?

"It's not easy getting through to him, you know that as well as I do. I've tried to, you've got to trust me."

Harry stayed quiet for a few seconds staring at the ground, biting his cheek as he tapped his foot on the concrete. "Why don't you think I should bring him?"

"It'll be his first party, and I wouldn't want it to be a bad experience— I know you don't want that either. I know you have good intentions on inviting him but that doesn't mean everyone else will."

"Can I steal Harry for a moment?" Monet asked, sneaking behind Niall and resting her hand at the small of his back.

Niall nodded and looked back to Harry. "Think about what I said." He walked back to the group of boys that littered the parking lot.

Monet watched Niall walk away with confusion plastered on her face. "What's all that about?" She looked back to Harry. "You okay?" She stood next to him leaning against the car and placed her hand on his arm. "H?"

He snapped his head to his left and faked a smile. "Hey Mo."

"What's going on?"

"Nothing, just thinking."

"Are you thinking about bringing Louis?" Harry shrugged his shoulders and stayed quiet. Yesterday Louis asked if he were predictable and he couldn't help but feel the same way.

"I want to but I know he won't go. Well, I asked last night and he said no, so."

"It's understanding, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess but I'll be there. Nothing will happen to him, I wouldn't let it."

"Everyone knows that, H. You've made such a difference in that boy's life. People don't tease him as much because, you know, you're kind of scary when you're angry. But that doesn't stop everyone." She tucked a curl behind Harry's ear and sighed. "You know people like testing you just to get a rise out of you."

"Yeah."

"People know how sensitive and overprotective you are over Louis and I don't think bringing him to a party hosted by Zayn would be the smartest idea."

"Hey um, I gotta get going. I'll see you at the party, yeah?" He opened his car door and waited for Monet to respond with a blasé expression.

"Course, are we still going to match?" Monet started to walk backwards towards her friends.

"I'll keep you posted." Monet nodded and carried on her way towards her friends when Harry's car roared to life and pulled out the car park, making his way home.

 

** 7:13 pm **

Harry was dressed in his costume, well most of it at least. He didn't want to put any of the makeup on in case Louis changed his mind and decided to go to the party after all. So he wore a plain purple button up that he had to thrift for his costume, leaving it fully unbuttoned paired with black skinnies and black vans. His hair was slicked back with gel, smoothing out all his curls as best as he could— the stubborn ends still curling— and the only makeup he wore was eyeliner in his waterline and lash line. He grabbed the rest of the things he would need to complete his costume to match Monet but also the other costume to match Louis.

As he walked down the stairs his mum was confused from the lack of costume he had on. "Harry I thought you were supposed to be-"

"I haven't finished yet mum. I gotta talk to Louis first," Harry said grabbing his keys off the kitchen table.

"Don't force him go Harry. He's a shy boy." His mum approached him offering a kind smile.

"I'm not. I just want to ask him one more time in case he's changed his mind." He smiled at her and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Love you mummy. Oh, and thanks for letting me borrow the makeup." He walked out the door before his mum could respond and raced over to Louis' house, knocking on the door and waited for a few moments for a response. "Hi Laura, is Louis home?" he asked impatiently and looked in the house with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Harry, you look... dashing?" Laura responded in confusion by his new look.

"Halloween party," he laughed. "Where's Louis?"

"He's going to a party?"

"No, well, probably not. I asked him last night and he said no. But I thought I'd give it one last shot in case he's changed his mind. Is he here?"

"In his room." She stepped to the side to allow Harry in.

"Thank you," he said as he sped walked passed her and up the stairs to Louis' room. The door was unlocked and he stepped into a room full of darkness, the only light coming from the hallway. When he made it further into the room, he switched on the bedside lamp and gently sat on the mattress, pushing Louis' fringe out his face with a fond smile. It was incredible how precious someone can look in their sleep. "Lou?" He shook him gently by the arm. "Wake up Lou."

Slowly, Louis was waking up. The second he gained enough sense of what was going on, he immediately shot his eyes open and flailed his arms around from being touched while he slept. "Get off, get off, get off," Louis whined hitting Harry anywhere and everywhere he could.

"Ow, Lou- fuck. Sunshine calm down. It's me, Harry. It's just Harry. Curly." Harry grabbed Louis' fists and brought them to his chest. "Look at me love. It's Harry."

Louis relaxed, the tension in his body dissipating into the air. "Harry," Louis whispered pulling his hands away from Harry's, straightening himself out. "Why're you here? How'd you get in here?"

"Your mum let me in." His smile was small and careful as he reached over to smooth out Louis' bed head. "And I also wanted to see if you wanted to go to the party tonight. You know, in case you've changed your mind."

"Harry," Louis sighed, batting his hand away from his hair then rubbed his eyes. He finally got a glimpse of Harry's costume and was confused on what he was supposed to be but didn't question it.

"C'mon Lou, I know you're scared but, you just- please? I know you've always wanted to be a greaser for Halloween— you'd look damn good being one too." Louis flushed from the compliment and rubbed at his nose to try to hide it. "And look, I brought an extra costume to match yours just in case you said yes." He held up his outfit that was still on the hanger: a black leather jacket and a plain white t-shirt. "I have gel in the car and everything. Please come with me."

Louis would be lying if he said his heart didn't soften from Harry's generosity. He came up with a second costume just for him, in case he changed his mind. He wanted their costumes to match and knew what that he always wanted to be a greaser. "Harry, I-I can't."

"Why not?" Harry grabbed Louis' hand and slid his thumb across his knuckles.

"Because I'm scared." He looked down to his lap in shame over being scared of something as stupid as a high school party.

"You don't have to be scared Lou." Harry lifted his head up by placing a finger to his chin. "I'll be there. No one will hurt you. I promise." He stuck out his pinky to Louis, showing him that he meant what he said.

"I can't Harry." His voice was clearly upset and borderline sounding like he wanted to cry and that's when Harry knew he had to stop pushing.

"Okay, sunshine. It's okay, c'mere." Harry wrapped Louis in a warm hug, resting his head on top of Louis' after placing a gentle kiss to his rugged waves. "I'll miss you though." Harry laughed when he felt Louis do the same. "I promise I'll bring you back some food and drinks."

"You're going to steal food from a party for me?" He looked up to Harry, their faces extremely close.

"Of course. Plus it'll be your first taste of a party so I'll win in a way." Harry's phone buzzed from his pocket. "I've got to go Lou. Go back to sleep and you get some rest okay? That big brain of yours needs a break sometimes. I'll be back later with your treats." Harry laid Louis back down, tucking him under the his comforter and placed a kiss to his forehead. "Sweet dreams kitten." He turned the lamp off and made his way to the door.

"Harry?" Louis said softly, propping himself up on his elbows.

Harry turned around and took a few steps back towards his neighbour. "Yeah Lou?"

"You can't kiss me anymore, or kiss parts of me. Wait, no that didn't sound right. You can't kiss- whatever. You know what I mean."

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "Okay Lou, I won't." He closed the door behind him and walked down the stairs.

Laura sat at the kitchen table reading on her Kindle. "He's not going?" she asked slightly disappointed when she didn't see Louis come down with Harry.

"No, but I think it's better that way anyway. It's easier for me to protect him here than when we're surrounded by loads of people." Laura smiled when Harry said he'd protect Louis. She's never seen someone care about Louis so much, especially with only having known him for a few months. "Bye Laura, I'll see you soon."

Opening the passenger door to his car, he put his greaser costume on the seat and got the items to finish the costume to match Monet. He sprayed his hair, covering it as best as he could with only using the street lamp as a light. He rubbed makeup on his face and chest and used the eyeliner to draw a few things onto his skin. After getting into his car, Harry finished off his look with a touch of lipstick. Before he left he checked his phone, reading all the texts he received.

 

_[Zayn]: where the fuck are you?_

_[Niall]: peaches, where u at? we've been here for a bit. waiting on u xx_

_[Josh]: what's taking so long? ur mum still getting ready?_

_[Aiden]: Mate, you're missing out. There's hella babes here. Come asap!!_

_[Monet]: What's the news on Louis?_

 

He decided to ignore everyone's texts with a roll of his eyes from Josh's message and only responded to Monet's.

 

_[Harry]: he's not coming /: it's just gonna be you and me_

_[Monet]: Can't wait. See ya later puddin' (;_

 

** 9:13 pm **

Harry had been at the party for about an hour and was ready to leave. It wasn't a bad party, not at all, but he just wasn't having fun. Compared to the party he went to in the beginning of the year this one was far more fun and interesting, the only thing keeping him back was the thought of Louis. He made tons of friends at the first party and was deemed the beer pong champion, but that was when he barely knew Louis. Now, being at a party that he so badly wanted to attend with Louis was kind of bumming him out and he was being a total party pooper about it. All of his friends were talking and smooching on girls while he stayed by Monet's side the entire time. Not that it was a problem, of course, he just wasn't that interested in the skimpy costumes all the girls wore. Then again, Monet was in a Harley Quinn costume and she was the furthest thing from skimpy.

The two of them spent the whole time together chatting and drinking. Most of the time Monet was introducing him to people he hadn't met from the first party. Lots being girls who ended up flirting with him which made both Harry and Monet uncomfortable because, yeah, maybe they were pretty but he just wasn't up for it and that was Monet's ex so any girl flirting with him right in front of her would always be awkward. Harry was especially not up for all the flirting and 'sexual tension' the girls thought they had with. The unwanted touches and caresses were unnecessary and if he weren't at a party with alcohol already in his system, he'd definitely label it sexual harassment.

Nonetheless he'd stay chatting with them and when it got too much he'd glare at Monet, who'd always be nearby, and beg her to save him. The girls thought it was just him committing to his Joker character and it made Monet laugh. And the guys would only talk to him for a bit before leaving to talk to their friends or whoever else was more interesting than a stranger they just met. "I think I'm going to leave Mo," Harry said loudly leaning close to her ear so she could hear him over the booming music.

"You said you'd stay until ten and it's only," she paused to check her phone, "quarter passed nine."

"I know but I'm not having as much fun as I thought I would."

"Because you haven't had enough to drink, come on." She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the kitchen for more drinks.

"No Mo, I really think I'm going to go home." He laughed, removing his hand from hers and wiped whatever was left on it on his pants.

"Fine Harry, be a lame-o. Let me walk you out." She took a few steps before Harry stopped her.

"Wait, grab a few beers." Harry grabbed two beers and a box of pizza.

Monet giggled, grabbing a few beers like Harry told her to. "What're you doing?"

"Hurry, before we get caught," he chuckled pushing Monet towards the door.

"Why'd you take all this stuff?" Monet was swaying as she walked alongside Harry to his car, stumbling a few times.

"They're going to have extras anyway. Woah, be careful, love. You're going to hurt yourself." They reached Harry's car and he put the box and beer bottles in his backseat. "Don't drink anymore, okay?" Harry more so stated than asked, leaning against his car with his foot propped up.

"You can't tell me what to do." She poked his chest with a smirk on her face. "You're not my boyfriend anymore." She spoke in a high pitched, mocking tone while poking his chest on each word.

Harry chuckled, shaking his head and grabbed her finger. "No, but I'm a boy friend and you shouldn't drink anymore."

"Make me," she whispered leaning in close to Harry's face, biting down on her bottom lip.

"Let me take you home, Mo," Harry whispered back distancing Monet from himself but keeping hold onto her hands.

"No, I'm having fun. I'll see you Monday, cutie." She winked and walked back towards the house with Harry trailing behind.

"C'mon, let me do this for you."

"Go home Harry, and say hi to Louis for me." He stopped walking and stared at her in shock. "I'm not an idiot, H. Now go, your man is waiting for you."

"He's not my man," Harry laughed weakly, looking to his feet.

"Not yet." Monet disappeared back into the house leaving Harry alone. He got into his car and sat in silence thinking about what Monet said. She called Louis his man which felt weird because that was his best friend but he wasn't completely opposed to the statement. Like seriously, why would anyone be opposed to the idea of being Louis Tomlinson's boyfriend?

He sent Niall a quick text to look after Monet for him and make sure she was safe then sent a text to Zayn to look after the both of them because Niall never knew when to stop and him and Monet together and drunk was a recipe for disaster. Zayn was a responsible drinker and never got too drunk where he couldn't handle himself. He had a reputation to maintain and he didn't want to ruin it by some drunken mistake.

It was a fifteen minute drive back that felt like three because Harry was going to see Louis and that was way more exciting than the party he was just at. When he pulled up to Louis' curb, he sent him a quick text.  
  


_[Harry]: come outside & bring a blanket_   
  


He grabbed the box of pizza and as many beers as he could and walked to the tree in the front lawn to sit by the trunk. Soon the front door slowly creaked open and a tiny silhouette appeared in front of the wooden door. "Harry?" Louis asked softly.

He stood from the ground and walked towards the door with a smile. Louis still had that sleep look on his face even though he'd been awake for a few hours now (Harry texted throughout his time at the party). "Over here love." He grabbed Louis' hand and guided him over to the tree.

"What do you need? And why do you need a blanket?" The blanket was wrapped around his shoulders, draping over his body because it's near chilly out.

"Nothing kitten, I wanted to hangout. I've brought some food and drinks as promised." He pointed to the ground where the food he stole was. "And the blanket's for you because you get cold easily. Come."

"Let's go to my backyard, it's safer."

Harry curtsied Louis and said, "yes your majesty." He grabbed everything and was led to the backyard, following Louis' steps on the stoned pathway emerging into the backyard. It was a decent size— not too big, not too small— and that was all Harry could make out in the darkness.

"You can have a seat over there. I'm going to turn the outside light on," Louis said disappearing in the darkness towards the house as Harry walked over to the space between two trees on either side of the yard. After having ran into them, Harry soon found out there were posts stuck into the ground with dainty lights strung from them. He settled on the ground beneath the lights as they flicked on and he was able to make things out. Everything in the backyard was cute, even the dying flowers in the garden he assumed his precious rose came from, but what he found especially cute was that small boy who came back from inside. "Thought you'd want a blanket too."

"Thank you sunshine." Harry took the blanket from Louis, unfolding it and placing it over his lap. "What's that?"

"Oh." Louis looked down to where Harry was pointing and blushed. "They're makeup wipes for your makeup. I thought you'd want to take it off but if you want to leave it on, that's fine. I'll just put these back in the house."

"Get over here Lou." Harry tugged on his arm to sit him on the grass. "Do you not like my costume?"

"I think it's fine. You're supposed to be the Joker?"

"From suicide squad. But I'd have to say, I think being a greaser would've been more fun." Louis giggled and shook his head. "Can you take it off for me? The makeup?"

"Sure." He pulled a wipe out and started to rub Harry's face. "Why'd you come back so early?" He started cleaning his cheek and made his way up to the forehead, reading the word that was written so delicately near his hairline.  _Damaged_. Well, yeah, Louis could definitely relate to that.

Harry shrugged and watched Louis' concentrated face. "I wasn't really having any fun. Girls kept throwing themselves at me and it was just- I don't know. "

"If you don't want girls looking at you, maybe you should button up next time." Louis laughed, flicking Harry's bare chest, trying not to look at it because he saw the tattoos and now was not the time to be drooling over his neighbour.

"Ohh, so you think I've got a rockin' bod?"

"I never said that."

"Of course not, but you insinuated it."

"Did not." Louis' cheeks flushed a bright pink and an embarrassed smile was unfortunately smothered on his face.

"So what'd you mean by suggesting I button up next time then?"

"If you don't want girls looking at you, then don't expose parts that girls may find attractive."

"Are you jealous?"

"No, just trying to help a friend who hates the attention of fairly attractive females."

"Mhm, I think you secretly want me all to yourself Louis Tomlinson."

"So you stole food and drinks?" Louis changed the subject and grabbed a new wipe, placing the old one on the grass.

Harry playfully rolled his eyes but let it go because the blush on Louis' cheeks was rewarding enough. "I promised, didn't I?" Louis nodded and opened his mouth, gesturing for Harry to do the same so he could wipe the lipstick off. "You're very gentle."

"Don't want to hurt you." By the time he was finished, there was a pile of three toilettes on the grass. "You're all set, unless you-"

"Don't worry about that lovely."

"What now?" He fidgeted with the blanket, bringing it over his shoulders.

"Pizza?" He opened the box and put it in between the two of them. When Louis reached over to grab a slice it made Harry smile because this very well was the first time he saw him eat properly. "I'm surprised you came out. Thought I'd have to do the walk of shame home."

"Why?" Louis asked after finishing his bite of pizza.

Harry shrugged picking off the string of cheese that hung off the side of the crust. "I don't know, you never really want to hang out." He grabbed one of the beer bottles and handed it to Louis who took it after Harry insisted on opening it.

"It's not that, I'm just not used to any of this: waiting up at night for my neighbour to come home from a party so he could share the beer and pizza he stole from said party. Or texting someone all day and have them running to me and embracing me in the biggest hug when I get home. Or letting someone take care of me when I'm not feeling great." He looked down and twirled his finger around a few strands of grass. "It's not that I don't want to hang out with you, I'm just- I'm trying. I really am."

Harry scooted closer to him, hugging him from the side and kissed his hair. "I know love, and I'm so so glad that you are. Thank you for that, thank you for everything you've done for me." Louis didn't say anything back but let himself take in the warmth and kindness that was Harry. He wanted to make a comment about how Harry wasn't supposed to kiss him anymore but didn't want to ruin the moment they were having. He also wanted to ask what in the world had he done for him. To him, it was like he was the only one receiving.

They talked and talked and talked for a hours. It was mostly Harry doing the talking but Louis didn't mind because he loved the way he told stories and neither did Harry because he loved to talk. Many stories were told, from Louis too, and they drank all the beers (Harry) and finished the pizza (also Harry). A lot of what was said was personal and sometimes tough to talk about. Louis never got too personal, though, afraid he would scare Harry away because that was the last thing he wanted right now. But whenever Harry talked about the deep, personal things, that's when Louis would give him all his attention and never break eye contact. He'd nod at appropriate times, cried when he cried, squeezed his hand for comfort, spoke comforting words, and so much more.

And it was all weird to him because he was never one to like deep talks or personal conversations because he felt pressured to talk about his own personal life. The fear of his problems not only scared him but he was afraid it would scare other people away. But with Harry none of that mattered. He never felt pressured to say anything and he never felt judged when he would talk about how he thought of things or events happening in his life. Harry always gave him his full attention and offered advice, relations to his own life so he wouldn't feel alone, or tell him that it was all just a passing storm and that he didn't have to worry too much about it. Momentarily all his fears and all the overthinking disappeared into the stars millions and millions of light years away.

Nevertheless, Louis did talk about the very sensitive topic about how him and his nan were super close and her being in the hospital because she wasn't doing well and if his heart wasn't already a puddle, he would've completely melted and not be able to recover. Harry offered so much support, so much. He asked if he could visit her and of course Louis agreed because his nan adored Harry just as much as he did. He'd talk about him often— how he cared and offered kindness and generated love. How his eyes beamed happiness and his smile gleamed innocence. He may have admitted to liking him a bit but told her that he was trying to get over it since Harry wasn't gay but the more they hung out the harder it got.

She always told him not to worry about it and that he'll come around because,  _"from what I hear, this boy loves you from the bottom of his heart. He likes you but hasn't realised just yet because he's never liked a boy before. And when he finally does come around I want you to promise me you won't push him away. I don't care what you think of yourself, you won't push him away because you need him and he needs you."_  Louis would always brush it off because she didn't know Harry. She didn't know that Harry's only dated one girl at this school, so far, and how he flirted with girls all the time and they'd flirt back. She didn't know how Louis saw him look at the pretty girls in a way he'd never looked at him. He called her crazy but she stood by her word.

Of course Louis liked Harry, what's not to like? He often scolded himself for it and would punish himself for thinking about him that way, but no matter what he did the feeling never went away. At times he didn't think he actually liked Harry, it was just his brain overreacting from all the kind gestures and attention he'd never gotten from a boy before. Obviously he could never tell Harry that because he'd scurry away thinking Louis was trying to turn him gay and what not.

After having talked their tongues off, the two boys decided to play a game of hide and seek in the dark. They turned off the lights and the rules were that you must stay in the backyard and give the person hiding twenty seconds to find a place. Whoever found the other faster wins.

"Come out, come out wherever you are," Harry cooed as he stealthily tiptoed around the yard looking for Louis. He'd been searching for a while now and was getting tired of trying to look for him. The difference between Louis looking for Harry and Harry looking for Louis was that Louis was tiny, tiny, tiny and able to hide really well and Harry was easy to spot no matter where he was. And since Louis was the slightest bit tipsy, he thought he had the perfect recipe to find him. "Marco."

"Polo," Louis called back from behind the bushes by the side of the house. Harry snapped his head in that direction, laughing, and walked over that way. He honestly didn't think it was going to work. "Dang it." Louis popped out of his position and sprinted past Harry with giggles escaping his lips. "You have to catch me." The thing was, Harry could've caught Louis no problem because his legs were abnormally long but he chose to play along and chase Louis around the backyard.

To Louis, the only reason why he was caught was because he tripped and stumbled over his feet even if he didn't. "Gotcha Lou." Harry smirked as he held  Louis' hands to the ground.

"You didn't have to pin me down you oaf." Louis tried to wriggle out of Harry's hold but he was too strong.

"You said Polo." Harry laughed, switching his arms to lay on his elbows on top of Louis.

"You took so long I forgot what game we were playing."

"It's not my fault that you can squeeze yourself wherever your head could fit." Harry pouted, sticking his bottom lip out and moving his hands so they tangled in Louis' waves.

"Stop making cat references." Louis furrowed his brows, cupping Harry's cheeks and sliding them back into his hair.

From inside the house Laura and Charles watched the two boys play from when Harry tackled Louis to the ground to how they were at that very moment. It was a sight to see that's for sure, but it was strange to them. All this time, they never saw how Harry and Louis interacted with each other, and this was definitely not what they were expecting. They've seen how Louis would interact with others and this wasn't it. He was not nearly as comfortable or cuddly for that matter. It wasn't a secret that Louis liked Harry, both his parents could tell from the moment it started, but they didn't think Harry liked Louis too. Of course, that was an assumption from seeing that brief moment, but friends don't interact with their friends like that.

"Let's play a different game," Harry frowned, sitting up and holding his hands out for Louis to pull him up.

"You're just a sore loser because you're a giant," Louis laughed as he crossed his feet.

"Maybe, but my knee kind of hurts now."

"No one told you to tackle me to the ground."

"Are you okay by the way? I forgot to ask."

"'m fine. So what'd you want to do instead?"

"We should have a  _'the climb'_  moment."

"And what in the world is that supposed to mean?"

"Okay so you know how in the Hannah Montana movie when Miley took her wig off on stage revealing her deepest, darkest secret because she was tired of living two lives in front of the people she grew up around?"

"Breathe Harry," Louis laughed. "But yeah, sure."

"So that's it basically. A  _'_ _t_ _he climb'_  moment would just be a moment where we reveal our deepest secrets no one else knows about and it'll stay between us."

"I-I don't know about that." This felt like the moment he'd been waiting for. The thought was completely random and now Louis was starting to think that maybe his friendship with Harry had just been a hoax after all.

"It could be fun. If it'll make you feel better, we could have our backs to each other so we don't have the pressure of having to look at each other."

"It's not that. Well, maybe it is, but I just don't know if I could do it, spill the secrets and all."

"You've got a lot of them."

"I know, and there's a reason why I have so many."

Harry sighed and took a quick glimpse up to the stars before looking back down to his neighbour. "We don't have to, Lou. We can find something else to do."

"Was there something you wanted to reveal or say? Is that why you wanted to do it?"

"No, I just thought it'd be a good bonding moment between us. But if you're not comfortable then it's fine. We could do something else."

Louis almost felt bad because he knew this was Harry's way of wanting to get to understand him better but his dark secrets might be too dark for him. "And the secrets will stay between us?" He looked up from his fingers with furrowed brows.

"Of course. And no matter how dark the secret we can't break our friendship. No judging either."

Louis stuck his pinky out saying, "vous promettez?" waiting for Harry to wrap his pinky around his own.

"Je promets," Harry whispered back, leaning in to kiss his thumb. "Kay, now turn around." They both turned around and pressed their backs together, immediately filling each other with warmth. "I'll go first if it makes you feel more comfortable."

"Please."

"Want to do just one secret or two?"

He would've agreed to just one, but Harry was just as much of a mystery as Louis was so he said, "two is fine." He wanted to get to know Harry better as well because the things that went through that boy's brain is borderline concerning.

"We'll take turns." Harry felt the nod of Louis' head against his shoulder blade so he took that as his opportunity to start. "So um, I know you think I'm this great guy with an outstanding personality and confidence, but I'm actually really insecure. I don't like showing it to people because, I don't know, I don't like having people look at me less than I am I guess." He took a deep breath, rolling his head back to rest on the top of Louis'. "That's partially why I really wanted to be your friend. Don't get me wrong, I think you're so great, but I see a lot of me in you and you make me feel so comfortable and accepted. I don't have to live up to any standards because you don't care for a show. You want authenticity and I really appreciate that."

"It's funny you feel that way because that's the same way you make me feel," Louis chimed in.

"We bring out the best in each other."

"Could I make a comment on your secret?"

"Sure."

"So, if you don't like having to put on a show like you mentioned, why are you still friends with those people you have to pretend around?"

"It's complicated I guess. I get attached to people easily, you of all people should know. They're fun and all but when it comes to expressing myself, I only really do that around you, Mo, and Niall because you guess are the only ones who I know won't judge me. Which is fine, sure, but I don't want to live my life in fear of other people's judgement. I want to wear the clothes  _I_  want to wear and say the things  _I_  want to say and feel the things that  _I_  want to feel."

"You can, you know. You tell me that all the time— don't be afraid of who you are because who you are is amazing." Louis smiled and tucked his fringe behind his ear. "Why do you always give me advice if you're insecure yourself?"

"Because I know what it feels like to doubt yourself and I don't want you to feel that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insecure about everything about myself. Just some things are harder to be confident about than others."

"No, yeah, I get it. I'm sorry you feel that way."

"It's just life Lou. Since my first one was easy yours can be too." Louis nervously tapped his foot on the grass while he twiddled with his fingers. Yes, he was scared to admit to something but he was more nervous because nothing was coming to mind and he felt pressured to say something quick. "Take your time, no need to rush it."

After thinking for a while, Louis finally thought of something that might be good enough to talk about because the one thing pegging his mind was presumably too heavy for right now. "Okay, um, well-" He stopped to take a deep breath and started over much calmer. "I still doubt you." Louis could feel Harry's breathing stop for a few seconds and his body becoming rigid. "I know I shouldn't because you're nothing but nice but I can't help it. I want to believe you, I really do, and I thought I did. But a few minutes ago when you suggested we do this thing I couldn't help but feel like this was your way of getting secrets out of me to tell to your friends."

A few minutes pass and Harry still hadn't said anything. His eyes were trained on a piece of wood from the fence in front of him as he zoned out. "Is that what you think of me?" Harry finally spoke up but his voice was quiet and almost disappointed. "Be honest."

"No, it's not." Harry scoffed and shook his head with a quiet chuckle leaving his mouth. "It's not, seriously. I know you wouldn't do that to me. It's just me, okay? I'm still getting used to friendship and all these things."

"I don't know what more I can do for you. What else do you want me to do to prove that I'm here for friendship and not a game?"

"Nothing. I don't want you to do anything."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"My mind. It keeps telling me all these things about you that I know aren't true but I can't help but listen."

"It'll get better. You won't have to fight with yourself all your life."

"I hope so."

"I have really bad anger issues. I think you know that already. When I'm angry there's really no way for me to come down until I hit something."

Louis bit the inside of his cheek as he listened to Harry talk. It wasn't something he assumed Harry had, but he definitely didn't put it past him. "When you were angry that one time weeks ago, you didn't hit me or anything around me."

"Because you're precious kitten. Why would I ever even think of hitting you?" He felt Louis' shrug and laughed.

"You calmed down pretty fast though."

"It's different with you. I never want to lash out on you or on things around you. I don't like you seeing me like that."

"Have you ever done anything bad when you were angry?"

Harry laughed because Louis just didn't know how often he used to get angry. "So much. That's partially the reason why we had to move here."

"Partially?"

"I, uh, I don't think I'm ready to talk about that just yet."

"Oh, okay. Sorry." They sat in silence for a few and Harry was going to ask Louis to do his last secret, but he could tell there was more he wanted to ask. "Do you still have problems with your anger?"

"It's not nearly as bad as it used to be. When we moved, my parents made a deal with me that if they got me a car, I had to take anger management classes and stay out of trouble for the entire school year."

"That bad huh?" Louis laughed because that's not a normal deal parents make with their kids. He assumed it had to be bad if that was a deal that had to be made for him to stay out of trouble.

"I guess you can say that," Harry chuckled, leaning back on his hands to press himself further against the comfort that Louis gave him.

"I can't imagine you being angry all the time."

"That's good. I wouldn't want you to see me like that. We probably wouldn't be friends."

"But you're so nice and caring, I can't even begin to imagine you angry all the time."

"Then don't. It's in the past. I don't want to dwell on it." Silence fell amongst them once again for far too long and Harry knew Louis was trying to waste time. "It's your turn you know."

"I'm adopted," Louis blurted out. Almost immediately he buried his face into his hands, shaking his head. That was the secret he didn't want getting out because he'd never talked about it before and he wasn't sure how he was going to now. "God."

"You're adopted?" His voice was soft and cautious over the sensitive topic, but was still filled with shock.

"Yeah." The soft sniffles that Louis made broke Harry's heart. The situation may have not of seemed that bad because adoption could be a beautiful thing, but if it wasn't, then Louis wouldn't be crying about it, right? Unless they're happy tears?

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry reached behind him in search of Louis' hand but was met with nothing but grass, so he tapped Louis' side to get a hold of it.

"My parents, my birth parents, they um, they-"

"It's okay lovely, don't push yourself."

Louis blew a stream of air out his mouth, and dropped his head back against Harry's shoulder blade, using his other hand to grab onto Harry's other free hand. "I just turned five. I just started primary school. It was a few weeks after Christmas break and my parents came to pick me up at the end of the school day. That was my favourite part of the day, you know. I loved school but I loved my parents even more." Louis laughed and smiled at the distant memory of his birth parents. It had been a very long time since he thought about them. "My babysitter was supposed to pick me up that day because my parents were out of town for business but they came home that morning and surprised me saying they'd pick me up from school and take me out for ice cream." The images flashing through his mind caused a loud and uncontrollable sob to choke it's way out of Louis' throat.

"You're doing great, kitten. Take your time and breathe, okay? Take deep breaths." Harry tried his best to comfort the boy who experienced so much pain in his life.

"My parents picked me up from school and we got ice cream like they promised. Mint chocolate chip. When we finished I asked if we could go to the park and we did. For about an hour they let me play with other kids and all that. When it was time to go back home, they buckled me in the backseat and we made our way home." Louis took a deep breath and stared off into the stars as if he was searching for his parents in the heavens. "We were almost home when-" He paused and took another deep breath, feeling the comforting squeeze from Harry's hands. "I don't remember much but there was a loud bang and crushing and agonising screams before all I heard was ringing and then everything went black."

"A car accident?"

"Yeah. When I woke up again the loud ringing was still present and I was being pulled out of the backseat by a man I didn't know. Before I was pulled out, I was able to see my parents. Bloody and breathless. I was too young to know they were dead then but every time I thought about it growing up, it was painful knowing that was the last image I got to see of my parents."

"So your parents now?"

"My godparents. They took me in right away after being released from the hospital with no serious injuries. A year or two passed before they officially adopted me into their family. My mum, Laura, she wasn't able to have kids so she was happy more than ever to take me in. Charles was too, he always wanted a boy."

"And Emily? You said she looked a lot like you but you're adopted?"

"She was a real cousin from my dad's side. My godparents, or parents, were related to my dad's brother's wife."

"So you've known them all your life?"

"Quite literally. I don't mean this in an insensitive way but they were more of parents to me than my birth parents. I'm sure they would've been outstanding parents, but I've only known them for five years you know?"

"Can I hug you? I know the whole point of this was to not look at each other, but I really want to hug you and I think you're in need of one." The moment Louis started to slip his hands out of Harry's, Harry whipped around, doing the same to Louis, and held him close, so close, whispering soft, comforting words in his ear.

"I blame myself for their death," Louis whispered through his tears, resting his head on Harry's shoulder.

"You shouldn't, darling. It wasn't your fault." Harry tried his best to comfort Louis, but how could he? This was a situation he never been in before and he had no idea what to say.

"It was though. If I never asked to go to the park they would still be alive and maybe I'd have a life of happiness." Even though he cried, Louis wasn't as upset about it as he thought he would be. It could be due to the young age Louis experienced it all or maybe Harry relaxed every nerve in his body.

"You don't know that Lou. Don't put this burden on yourself."

"We wouldn't have met though. If my parents were still alive, I'd still be living in Donny."

"I've been all over England. Us meeting was only inevitable."

Louis turned his head and looked up at Harry, a finger tracing his jawline. He looked down and smiled, a hand combing through the soft waves that belonged to his tiny neighbour. "You think?" His voice came out in a soft whisper, his hand moving to the curls at the nape of Harry's neck.

"I know." He had to admit, Louis looked insanely adorable with his tear stained cheeks and glossy eyes that reflected the moonlight. There were pink spots all over his face and yet Harry thought he was stunning. "Hey, come lay with me." He laid down and pat the spot next to him to which Louis took, laying both blankets over their bodies. "Lou?" Harry whispered, not wanting to disrupt the tranquility of the night.

"Harry?" Louis questioned back with a sniffle.

"I know we just got done with a very intense  _'the climb'_  moment, but do you want to play twenty truths?" He turned his head to look at Louis who was already looking at him confused.

"That's not even a real game."

"Sure it is, it's like twenty questions and the game of truths. So basically I'll ask you ten 'is it true' questions and no matter the answer you have to explain why or why not and then just ten regular questions. And absolutely positively no lying or else all trust will be broken and I will never be able to look at you the same ever again."

Louis laughed shortly with a shake of his head. "I wouldn't know what to ask you and you probably have been compiling questions throughout all these months."

Harry smirked, the moonlight twinkling in his eye, or so Louis thought. "Maybe, but there's no reason to be scared, you can trust me." Harry turned on his side and tucked a curl behind his ear. "How about this, I'll give you two passes, but if you use a pass I can ask you another question."

"Fine."

"If it makes you feel more comfortable we won't look at each other like before." He flipped to his back and looked up to the darkened sky where the stars were barely visible from all the lights glowing from the town. "When you're talking you don't even have to acknowledge me. Just pretend that you're talking to yourself."

"Okay," Louis whispered looking up to the sky. "You start."

"Alright. Is it true that trust me?"

"That's your question? Really?" Louis looked to him scrunching his eyebrows.

"Hey, no looking, remember? And yeah, I'm starting out easy, just you wait. Now answer."

Louis took a deep breath as he looked back to the stars. Looking for constellations was a good distraction from reality— temporarily getting lost in the heavens above and pretending like life was easy. But the second Louis closed his eyes, he snapped back into reality and pondered his answer even if he knew what to say. "Yes."

Harry's heart fluttered and his eyes almost watered as he released a heavy, but happy, sigh. It was monumental. A while ago Louis admitted to doubting Harry but through all that doubt he still trusted him and that was all he wanted. "You have to explain why."

Louis took a deep breath, searching the stars for a sense of comfort. "Because you make me feel safe. You've never judged me and you always make me feel included. No matter the circumstances you're always there for me and you even took care of me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. I'd be foolish not to trust you." Louis looked to Harry who was already looking at him with the softest eyes and warmest smile with tears streaming down his cheeks. "No looking, remember?" he whispered, wiping the tears off Harry's cheeks with his thumb.

Harry looked back to the stars. "You're so special Lou. You're such a beautiful person and I just want you to see that. I want you to see the beautiful person you really are, not that poisoned lie you put in your head." After a few moments of silence, Harry spoke up again. "Your turn."

Louis thought about his question for a bit. He didn't want to ask a dumb, pointless question but couldn't think of something he's been wondering for a long time. "Is it true that you actually want to be my friend and I'm not being set up for personal destruction?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "Your mind Tomlinson, your mind." Funny how he asked that question right after saying he trusted Harry. "It does damaging things to your soul though you still remain beautiful. The poisoned thoughts you've created because of your past and you fear you're going to relive it, it gets tiring. You're tired all the time because you wear yourself out constantly wondering if I'm real. You battle with yourself to keep your distance with me, afraid I'm going to let you down. You get so caught up in thinking you're not good enough when you're actually so enough that it's almost too much for me to handle."

"You didn't answer the question."

"Yes, Lou. I'm here for friendship not a setup, okay? That's the last time I want to hear it." Louis waited for Harry to talk again, ashamed for the doubt once again. "Is it true that you didn't want to go to the party tonight? That you had no interest whatsoever."

"No. I kind of wanted to go but I just couldn't stomach the thoughts of being humiliated." And before Harry could respond with some cheesy answer Louis asked, "is it true that you think I'm pretty- no sorry I didn't- sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Um, is it true that-"

"The prettiest." Harry cut him off. "The prettiest I've ever seen."

"No lying Harry." The ruby on his cheeks reflected the moonlight and it was a shame that Harry missed the opportunity to witness something so beautiful.

"I'm not. You can ask me that question a million times and my answer would always be the same." Harry imagined a smile on Louis' face that shined brighter than the moon and stars themselves. "Do you really feel that way about yourself? Like all the things you've told me; is that how you really think of yourself?"

"You want to know what it feels like?"

Harry nodded his head forgetting Louis wasn't looking at him so he said, "please."

Louis sighed, closing his eyes to prepare himself for letting the truth out. He revealed his secrets before but this was something very personal, something he struggled with for years. "It feels like solitary confinement in my own skin. I can't escape myself because at the end of the day I'm all I have and there's no way out." He opened his eyes, the stars seeming to dull by the second. "And then it feels like I'm drowning."

"Drowning?" Harry questioned not seeing how the two related.

"Yeah, because I'm locked away all day having nothing better to do but think. I drown in my thoughts for so long that my head explodes from all the pressure. I scream for help and no one can hear me. Every time I open my mouth to speak, all I get is this burning sensation of water filling my lungs, suffocating them from the air they breathe. So I learned to keep my mouth shut. The words were like anchors anyway and I didn't want others to drown with me."

"Wouldn't you want to save yourself?"

"Not if it costs the lives of others."

"You don't know that though."

"I do. Hell is hell, it doesn't matter who you are. If I'm going through hell I don't want to put that onto others."

"It doesn't have to be hell, though. What if there's someone who could withstand the strength of the anchors and pull you up? What if someone dove into the water to drag you out and pumped the water out your lungs, breathing life back into you before the burning in your lungs and your head exploding?"

"Isn't it too late for that? You can't breathe life into something that's already dead."

"It's never too late to try." Harry had difficulty processing all of the dark thoughts Louis just spilled to him. It was quite a lot to take in. He always assumed that Louis got lost in himself all the time, but never once did it cross his mind that he was so lost he couldn't find a way out. There were no words Harry could think of to guide Louis from the depths of the abyss in his mind but something was better than nothing. "I love you Louis," he blurted. "I know you probably hate me for saying that but I love you, and I'm here for you. You're my best friend and I need you to know you are wanted. Give me all your anchors and more because I'm basically The Hulk. You don't have to drown anymore because, well, I'm actually lifeguard certified."

Louis giggled, sniffling back his tears. This was what a real friendship was like. This is what it felt like to be loved and wanted. That warm fuzzy feeling in his belly and fingers was the result of love and joy. "Convenient."

They finished off their 'is it true' questions without going too deep in the answers, wanting to move on to the free-for-all questions. After the first ten questions, Louis used one of his passes when Harry asked if there was a reason he distanced himself from his family. Because, although they had some deep talks already, that was one Louis was no where near ready for and Harry respected that.

Throughout their talk, their bodies somehow got closer and their arms were now touching one another. Harry's fingers lingered on the soft skin on the back of Louis' hand, gently stroking it. "Now we can ask any questions about whatever we want," Harry said after he answered Louis' question about his obsession of miniature versions of normal sized things. "You first."

"Anything at all?"

"Anything."

"Have you ever liked someone who wasn't made to like you back?" Louis asked hesitantly. Not like the question was subliminally directed to Harry, no. It was for a completely different situation with a completely different person. You know, like asking for a friend.

"I mean, I guess I can say that for a lot of people. But I see what you're trying to say and yeah, I have. Few years back, when I still lived in my home town, I liked this girl for as long as I can remember." Louis knew Harry wasn't gay but it still hurt to hear him talk about girls he liked. "She had no interest in me whatsoever and all I did was waste my time for years. Why? Do you feel that way?"

"It's your turn to ask a question." Louis tried to change the subject to escape the question but ended up adding more fuel to the fire.

"Oh, I see. Who's the person you like that wasn't made to like you back?"

"Pass, and please don't look at me."

"Did you know them before you knew me?"

"Harry, I've known everyone before I knew you."

"Do I know them?" Harry kept prying.

"It's my turn to ask the questions! You're getting two questions deducted." Harry scoffed, rolling his eyes but he wouldn't let this go that easily.

"So you like someone?"

"I never said that."

"But you didn't deny it." It was a shock to him that Louis Tomlinson liked someone. The boy who hated everything about mankind liked someone. Now  _that_  was strange. They continued to ask random questions, Harry trying to relate his to the topic of Louis liking someone but he always dodged them and answered vaguely. Harry just asked his second to last question about if Louis thought about him when they weren't together.

"I don't feel comfortable answering that," Louis panicked. The answer was obvious but that didn't mean he wanted to admit to it.

"Well you have to."

Louis sighed, closing his eyes and balling his fists. "Sometimes. Now it's my turn to ask a question."

"No, no, no. We have to explain, remember?"

"You're my only friend so who else am I supposed to think about?"

"Way to ruin the moment, Lou." Harry laughed but couldn't help feeling disappointed in Louis' answer.

"Have you ever thought about me when we're not together?"

Harry sighed and went quiet for a few seconds thinking whether he should give a half assed answer like Louis did or speak his truth. "I think about you a lot. I think about how adorably tiny you are— like a little munchkin. But I also wonder why you tense in certain situations or when certain words are said. Or why you walk with your head down, pressed against the wall. The tensing happens less but you still cave into yourself when you walk." Harry's fingers danced across the dying grass tentatively. "Sometimes I make up a story as justification to put my wondering mind at ease. It's not right, but it does help me not be so pressing towards you." A smile cracked onto his face as he stared at the stars and ripped a few pieces of grass from the ground. "I think about you a lot; there's rarely a time I don't."

"It's your last question," Louis murmured.

"You don't want to comment on that?"

"No."

"Okay." Harry rolled onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow and smiled softly. "Look at me."

"We're not supposed to."

"It's my last question, and I need you to look at me." Louis sighed but complied, rolling on his side and matched Harry's position, seeing his smile widen and his eyes soften. "Lou," Harry whispered, his thumb swiping across the apple of Louis' cheek.

"What?" Louis whispered back, biting down on his lip.

"Your eyes. It's so dark out but it's the first time I've seen them sparkle." Their faces were centimetres apart making Louis' breath catch in his throat.

"Ask your question." His heart was pounding in his chest and his brain thumped against his skull.

Harry smiled, his eyes darting across every beautiful feature on Louis' face. "Can I kiss you?" His eyes flickered to Louis' lips momentarily before returning to his eyes.

"W-What?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Pass," Louis breathlessly whispered when Harry inched the slightest bit closer.

"You already used both of your passes kitty."

"Then no." He pulled his head back to try to keep distance between their faces.

"Please Lou?" Harry closed the space between them again, holding the back of Louis' head in place.

"Y-you're drunk, you don't know what you're saying."

"But I'm not, you know that and I know that I want to kiss you." His eyes slowly closed as he leaned closer in, but Louis would only push himself back.

"Harry you-" he started but was cut off by a pair of lips crashing into his. Their lips were laced in between one another, fitting perfectly. There was no time for Louis to close his eyes or to process anything so he stared wide eyed at Harry. He looked so peaceful and so beautiful like that— with his eyes closed, eyebrows scrunched, and lips puckered ever so slightly. And the way he didn't stretch his lips out far because he wanted Louis close and how his hands moved forward to cup both sides of Louis' face. But after a few seconds, Harry pulled away with a dopey smile stretching across his lips. "W-why did you do that?"

"Because someone as beautiful as you deserves to be kissed."

"N-no. Y-y-you can't do that. Oh my god."

"Shhh," Harry shushed Louis and pushed his fringe out his face. "It's okay. Don't worry your pretty little mind about it. C'mere." He pulled the small boy close, cuddling his body into his. "Goodnight Lou."

Louis wasn't uncomfortable by any means, but he was definitely worried for the morning to come.  
 ****

 


	31. the war between us will be over but the war within yourself has just multiplied

mood: miracle- joey dija  
  
  
  


** Saturday, October 27th 9:43 am **

The morning was chilly but not unbearably cold. There was a gentle breeze blowing through the air making Harry tighten the blanket around his body and curl into himself for extra warmth. Throughout the night Louis kept tossing and turning from being uncomfortable from the hard ground and cold air. The crickets were exceptionally loud, at least that's what Louis would say. They kept him up all night and were the most annoying accompaniment to his thoughts. The moonlight seemed to be like the replica of the sun and he couldn't understand why it was  _so_  damn bright. Somehow, Louis managed to escape Harry's tight embrace but with his constant tossing around and whines, it prohibited Harry from peaceful slumber. So in an attempt to get him to calm the fuck down, he'd stretch out his arms and pull Louis close, kiss the top of his head, and whisper comforting words in his hair which usually worked until Louis would find himself uncomfortable and separate the two of them. And that went on all night.

Harry was wrapped up in both blankets, laying on the slightly dewy grass. The ground beneath him was starting to warm up from the sun's warm rays. Finally he was able to find some sense of warmth throughout the night because seriously, whose idea was it to sleep outside at the end of October? Despite being filled with warmth, as he stirred awake he felt cold, like something was missing. He squinted his eyes open, the sun shining bright right into them. Turning over, he realised that he was alone in a big, empty backyard. He was pretty sure he fell asleep with Louis by his side because this definitely was not his backyard and that house for sure looked like Louis'.

"Lou?" he called out looking around the yard to try and spot him. As he sat up he scanned the yard closely and didn't see anything out of the norm except the blankets and himself. The lights on the posts above him were turned off and the only other life other than Harry were the plants that were on the cusp of death. He was sure it wasn't a dream but the box of pizza and bottles of beer were gone and there was no sign of Louis. But if it was just a dream then how did he end up in Louis' backyard? He stood up to fold the blankets and confirmed that Louis indeed did sleep next to him last night when he saw a patch of flattened grass next to his own.

Once folded, Harry knocked on the sliding back door creating a loud, echoing sound. Louis' mum was in the living room so thankfully he was let into the house and was welcomed in with a warm smile. "Harry, you're awake," she said when the door was opened.

"Good morning Laura, how's the morning been treating you?" He followed her to the living and sat on the couch perpendicular to the one he and Louis usually sat at. "Good morning Charles," he greeted when seeing Louis' dad.

The only acknowledgment Charles gave Harry was a slight peak from his paper and a small smile before returning back to his paper. "It's been alright? How's your back?" she laughed.

"It's alright as well, not as bad as you'd think. I'm, uh, I'm going to put these in Louis' room if that's alright."

"Sure thing," Laura smiled and looked to the TV that quietly played  _The Wedding Planner_. Harry walked up the steps and expected to see Louis when he entered the room but yet again, he was met with nothing but a quiet, empty space.

Setting the folded blankets on the bed, Harry walked towards the bathroom and softly knocked on it. "Louis?" His knocks pushed the door open, evidently showing that Louis wasn't in there. Confused, he walked back down the stairs heading straight to the living room. "Where's Louis?"

"Oh shoot, I forgot," Laura said standing up from the couch to walk towards the kitchen. She grabbed an envelope off the counter and handed it to the curly haired boy. "He went out to visit his nan this morning. He gave me this and wanted me to give it to you and say that he's sorry for last night? And he said to not read it until you've gone home and had a shower." She laughed and shook her head. "Oddly specific."

Harry smiled softly, taking the envelope from Laura and read the top of the envelope that had  _Curly_  written in Louis' scratchy handwriting that Harry adored so much. "Yeah well, that's Louis. I guess I better head home and shower now. I'll see you sooner than you know."

He was heading towards the door when Laura's voice stopped him. "Harry?" she asked taking steps closer to him and he turned around with a soft smile. Laura sighed seeming to struggle to figure out what she wanted to say. "Thank you for being there for Louis and for being his friend. When you first moved across the way he was totally against befriending you because he was afraid of betrayal. And now, I just- I haven't seen him this, I wouldn't say happy but cheery in such a long time and I've even seen him smile the other day. You'll never know how much that warmed my heart. Even if Louis' stubborn and won't admit to how he's feeling, you've had such a big impact on him and his life and I don't think I can thank you enough for it. Thank you for everything you do for my son." Towards the end, her voice was breaking as her eyes swelled with tears and a lump in her throat formed. She's been waiting for a time where the permanent frown Louis had on his face to finally disappear and be replaced with a smile.

Harry frowned, wrapping her in a hug. "You shouldn't be thanking me for treating him like a normal human being." He pulled back and held her arms length away. "He's a wonderful boy and I should be thanking you for br-" Harry cut himself off, remembering that Laura wasn't his real mum. "Thank you for raising him to be just the best human being I know. I know you said I've impacted Louis' life, but he's impacted mine even more. Excuse my language, but he's so fucking amazing and I will forever cherish him for that." Laura smiled, pressing her lips together and squeezed Harry's arm, so grateful that her son had someone so sweet and caring in his life because she knew he had been waiting so long for that.

"I think you have a shower to take." And she meant that in the nicest way possible, so Harry could read the letter.

"Do I really smell that bad?" Harry asked as he lifted his arms and smelled his armpits with a chuckle. She laughed along, shaking her head. "Thank you for letting me stay over again."

"The pleasure's mine; you're welcome anytime and I'm sure Louis would like that too." With that, Harry closed the door behind him and walked to his house, the morning air blowing through his curls. He walked with a light heart and rested mind; he felt great. He felt like him and Louis were on great terms— other than the kiss which Harry's sure Louis was freaking out about but he didn't think it was that big of a deal. At the end of the day it was just a kiss. They wouldn't have spilled their deepest darkest secrets to each other, right? If Louis still didn't trust Harry, he wouldn't have admitted to all of those secrets, right?

As he walked back to his home, he was so tempted to read the letter but he respected Louis and wanted to stay true to his word. So when he got back he headed straight for the shower. The shower lasted way longer than Harry had anticipated. You see, he was scrolling through his phone (don't ask him why he had his phone in the shower) and some random chick from his school sent him a nude, Eleanor was her name. People at school always called her Eleawhore because she slept around a lot and would take advantage of guys for money and popularity. Harry didn't agree with the nickname but he couldn't disagree with the fact that she was kind of _s l u t t y_. But to each their own.

It didn't affect him in any way, so he let her carry on with her life as she so pleased. But it seemed as though he was her next target and that could not do. Plus her nude wasn't even that great, in his opinion. She was too skinny for his liking and there wasn't much there anyway. He never cared for any of that physical stuff per se, but if you're going to send nudes to people... Nonetheless he did end up getting hard and deleted her message so he didn't have to think of her as he got off. Don't judge him, he's a single, hormonal, teenaged boy.

After he pleasured himself, he messaged a few of his friends back, finishing his shower and getting dressed in a pair of light grey joggers with a matching light grey shirt. For some strange reason Harry loved the look of monochrome outfits, especially grey ones. He snuggled into his comforter and opened the envelope. Inside was a decently long letter— both sides of the paper were covered in words that were written so hard they practically engraved the paper in lead.

If Harry were to be honest, he was pretty nervous. He always loved to get letters from Louis and yeah he was excited but at the same time why did Louis disappear and only left him with a letter to read? Especially after that monumental moment they had yesterday. What was in the letter that was too much to say that he had to write it? Or was it just a letter explaining where he was? He shook all of his thoughts away and braced himself, unfolding the paper, a smile appeared from the way he wrote his name in his scratchy handwriting. But as he continued to read the letter the smile was replaced with a deep frown with tears brimming his eyes.  
  


_Dear Harry,_

_There are a lot of things that I want to say but for most of them, I'm scared, terrified even. I know you're probably wondering why you woke up alone this morning and that's one of the easier things to explain. I wake up early, it's just in my nature, and I didn't want to wake you because you looked so peaceful and I know I kept you up all night because I'm a brat who can't sleep anywhere comfortably that's not my bed. And thanks for the pizza and beer and for spending time with me, it was a really nice time, well at first it was but I'll get back to that later. It's six forty five and I'm headed to see my nan soon. I know you said you wanted to meet her, but I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet, I don't know. I know her time is limited and I really do want you to meet her but I don't know, that seems like a lot right now, like a commitment I'm not ready for. I just feel like once you meet my nan, there's no going back and it's not that I would want that, but it'll be too much at once. My mum is calling my name so I've got to hurry this up. I've never written anyone a letter like this before, can you tell? Now it's time for the serious stuff I guess. So... I know you might be wondering why I wrote you a letter instead of talking to you face to face. The simple answer is that I'm not sure if I could do that to be honest. Last night I just- I don't know what happened. Don't get me wrong, we had that serious talk and it was liberating to get things off my chest, but then we started playing that game of questions. I thought it was alright, you know. We asked each other deep questions along with questions to get to know each other and I've never had someone want to get to know me at such a deeper level before. I honestly never thought I'd be able to trust anyone ever again, but you're just so... amazing to put it simply. God, that word doesn't even do its justice. You've flipped my world upside down and took me by storm and it's been quite a ride but it was for the better. I also haven't opened up to someone like that in forever and I'm not saying you should feel lucky, but know you are special to me. Enough for me to tell you all those things, especially the ones that terrify me. But then you asked to kiss me? Please don't feel guilty about it. It wasn't your fault at all. You were drunk, yeah? And I should've pulled away right when we made contact or even just called it a night when you asked the question instead of entertaining the idea. I honestly don't know why I let you do that. You think I'm a terrible person, don't you? You know, I wouldn't blame you if you thought I was trying to turn you gay. I wasn't by the way, but I can see why you'd think that. I'm sorry if I let you down or broke any unwritten rules about friendship and I guess that's why I'm writing you this letter._

_I don't think we could be friends anymore. It's not you Harry, it's me and I mean that in the most serious way possible. From the start I never felt worthy of your friendship and I know I don't say it often but I care about you too much to be holding you back when you could achieve so much more. You're too good for me and I wouldn't want to taint something so joyful. You're wonderful and you deserve to be celebrated and not constantly be put down by such a burden like me. I'm a loser anyway so at least it won't be hard to forget about me, ha. God, I don't know why I ever thought we could actually be friends. I know you said that everything between us was real and whatever, but why did I think that I was worthy enough for your friendship? Am I really that foolish? Am I that foolish to think that I could be friends with the new cool guy that lives across the street from me? Foolish and too hopeful. But don't worry any further, I'll get out your hair. I mean, we'll still see each other, surely. It's inevitable since we live across the street from one another and that we go to the same school and our lockers are next to each other and all that. But try not to notice me, yeah? Not like that'd be a problem since I'm practically invisible to everyone else. I could go to school earlier or later than usual and I'll not go to my locker too often and other stuff like that. I'm sorry I took advantage of you. Not that I wanted to kiss you per se but I should've stopped you. That's the main reason why I was having trouble sleeping. Yeah I was uncomfortable, but I couldn't stop thinking about what happened. I felt guilty about all of it and when you'd cuddle me it didn't make anything better. I hardly slept and I'm sorry for keeping you up all night. I was being selfish and I promise I won't ever do it again. You deserve so much more than to settle for a friend like me. Don't get me wrong, I thought you were an outstanding friend, that wasn't the problem. I just think I'm a little too much to deserve a friend like you. It's so stupid but it's already hurting to let you go but it has to be done. Keep smiling, not that it would be a problem because you always smile, but you look good doing it. I'm not sure what else to say and this letter is longer than I first anticipated. I didn't know I had so many words to say and I'm sure everything I said was rambled, a complete mess, or just dumb in general. I know you'd understand because that's just who you are and thank you in advance for respecting my decision. Not this letter was a sad one (or was it? I don't know) but it's not making me feel the greatest so I'm going to end it lighthearted with things you'd never hear me say, you deserve that at least. I think your curls are pretty and the dimples that pop out when you talk about something you admire are soul crushing. Your eyes are pretty too and your voice can practically melt chocolate. It's so warm and comforting and you've got a lovely singing voice as well. Oh god, it sounds like I like you and that's not helping the defense I'm trying to make in this letter. I meant all of those in a platonic way._

_Promise me you'll carry on just fine? I'm sure you will, but just in case. I'm still here if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to if you don't want to go to Niall or Monet. Of course I am, I care about you so much. None of that changes. What I meant when I said I don't think we could be friends anymore was the whole hanging out and spilling our guts to each other. But thank you for being my friend for the time being and making me feel that maybe I could be worth something. But I'm not, and that's okay, really. It's nothing I'm not used to anyway._

_Yours Sincerely,_  
_Louis_  
  


Harry felt a lot of things: astonishment, perplexity, bewilderment, sorrow, melancholy, annoyance, vexation, but happiness and relief was not one of them. Out of all things that was the absolute last thing he expected to be in the letter. He wasn't foolish to think that it'd just be a letter explaining where he went that morning, and, yes, he did explain that but he didn't expect anything else written. You know, the whole  _'I don't think we could be friends anymore'_  bit. That part both upset and angered Harry— the entire letter upset and angered him. So many questions he wanted to ask along with so many answers he had for Louis. Beginning with  _'it's not your fault, I asked for the kiss'_  to  _'I can never not notice you because you're always on my mind and the literal one person I want to spend my entire day with.'_  Though his sentences were incredibly rambled and the words were all over the place, he understood what he was getting at— it was pretty straightforward anyway. Yes, Louis  _technically_  ended their friendship through a damn letter, but he knew better than that. He knew Louis needed someone so much more than ending a friendship over a stupid kiss.  _It was just a kiss._

Of course it upset him that Louis didn't want to be friends with him anymore (he considered Louis his best friend for god's sake). Louis was one of the only real people in his life; one of the only people who accepted him for who he truly was. He was so genuine and honest and  _accepting_  of him and his annoying ways that he couldn't just let it go. This wasn't something he was going to give up easily. So after reading the letter over and over again, he wiped away the tears that fell and gently folded the paper, sliding it back in the envelope and set it in the drawer in his night stand. From there he grabbed his notebook and a pencil and began scribbling away.  
  


** 3:47 pm **

Louis spent all day with his grandparents at the hospital. They watched shows on the telly, ate food that Louis and his grandad snuck in from the outside because his nan hated the hospital food, and they chatted. He told his grandma about last night with Harry, excluding the kissing part because he was slightly embarrassed. It technically wasn't his first kiss but it was his first kiss with someone that actually mattered to him and with someone who didn't abuse their power over him. The reason why he never brought it up was because he didn't want to hear his nan go on and on about Harry liking him when he clearly didn't. He was only drunk and that was the extent of it, nothing more, nothing less. People don't think about the things they're doing when they're drunk and it's fine.

Somehow, someway she still managed to give him the talk about Harry even when Louis left that small but very life changing detail out. She also asked why he didn't bring him over since they were together last night until the morning and that's when he told her everything about the letter to how they're not really friends anymore. "You idiot," Rose exclaimed. "William, why is my grandson such an idiot?" she asked her husband before going back to Louis. "He  _loves_  you. He's not going to let you slip away from him. You mean too much to him and he's not going to give you up that easily."

Louis ignored his grandmother's remark about Harry loving him because that couldn't be the furthest from the truth. Harry said he loved Louis as a friend last night and sure he'll give him that. But for god's sake it was nothing like how his nan was insinuating. "It'll be better this way. At first I was hesitant about writing the letter but now I know it was the right thing to do."

"And why in the hell would you think that?"

"Because," Louis laughed, but he didn't find anything funny. He was just trying to laugh through the pain he felt knowing that things were going to go back to normal now that Harry wasn't going to be his friend anymore. The name calling, teasing, nightmares, etc. "He wouldn't have to deal with me anymore and I'm sure he's relieved in one way or another."

"It's like you don't know him at all Lou. I've never met the boy but I can see that he likes you. Everything you tell me about him, that's not how friends treat their friends."

"He's just really kind. I've seen how he is with his friend Niall and it's pretty much the same."

"You said pretty much which makes me believe that it's not entirely the same."

"It's just different." Louis shrugged and played with the edge of Rose's blanket between his fingers.

"Louis." He looked up from his lap when his grandad called his name. "You don't have to put on a show with us you know."

"I'm not," Louis whispered with a fake smile plastered on his face.

"You are bub. We can tell you're hurting from your own decision. Stop saying that's it's for the best when you have tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Admit that this isn't the right decision."

His eyes brimmed with tears as he scraped his bottom teeth over his top lip. "It is upsetting me, yes, but I do think it'll be better this way."

"I may be dying but you need to leave, you're pissing me off," Rose spoke, rolling her eyes at Louis' stupidity.

"Nana!" Louis exclaimed in shock. Even though her organs her beginning to fail her, her attitude and sass remained youthful.

"What? You two  _love_  each other and you're acting like fools, both of you. Just be honest with each other so I can see my favourite grandson be happy."

"I don't love him granny. I only have a small crush on him. I'm trying to move on from it but it was hard when he was always there but I guess it won't so hard now. Even if I were to tell him, he'd run off. He's straight. He likes girls."

"You kids and your labels nowadays. Has he told you that he was straight?" Louis shook his head honestly. Harry hadn't. The conversation of sexuality came up a few times but never once did Harry clarify that he was straight. "Then he's not. Listen, I've seen boys your age flaunt around and stress to people that they're straight because they're afraid people would think of them otherwise." Louis had to admit, that was kind of true. Especially with the people at his school who tease him for being gay. "Not all boys, but a lot. And this boy you've been telling me about, you make him seem like the prettiest and coolest guy you've ever met."  _Because he is_. "You like him. Harry, all he wants to do is make you smile, yeah? He wants to be by your side through everything and would literally force himself into your life because he wants it so bad. How many other people does he do that for?" Louis shrugged because he honestly didn't know. They didn't spend  _that_  much time together. "I can tell you that it's none. C'mon Louis, you know better than this. I'm not going to live forever and if I can't make your wedding I want to at least see you be happy with this boy." Louis shook his head and played with the frayed strings on his knee.

The conversation died down but soon picked up when it was time for Louis to go back home. The car ride back was a lot more lax than at the hospital. In the car, his grandpa was asking him questions about his life then some about Harry. That he didn't mind all that much because his grandad was much more calm and laid back than his nan. She could be very pressing at times as well. He loved his grandparents so much— probably even more than his own parents. They were very supportive and accepting of everything Louis did no matter how many interests he had. They took him to his first piano lesson and bought him his first painting set. They were the ones who encouraged him drop football for theatre because he liked it much more.

When he wouldn't leave his room because he didn't feel safe when people were over, they were able to coax him out and spend time with them. When he'd spend all day in his room drowning in his sorrows because he was so embarrassed of who he was and cried all day being ashamed, his grandparents were the ones who'd drive across town to go into his room and comfort him. They were the ones who helped him with trying to accept himself and have him tell himself that who he was was okay. He didn't need to have the perfect past or like certain people to excel in the world.

Bringing his car to a slow, William pulled into Louis' drive and parked to the right of the car that was already there. "Thanks for the ride grandad. I'll see if I can visit tomorrow." Louis opened the car door and was halted when his grandpa spoke up.

"Hey Louis?" he asked moving his head down to look at his grandson better. "Listen to your grandma. I know she's batshit crazy but she makes some good points. Don't give up on him."

A half-hearted smile was on Louis' face as he raised his eyebrows. "It's a little too late, but thanks anyway. I'll see you soon. Love you."

"I wouldn't say that. It's never too late. Bye son, love you." Louis closed the car door and watched his grandpa leave.

When Willam pulled away, Louis walked back to his house with his head hanging low and his eyes watering. Finally he could let it all out since he was going to be alone soon. Just because he ended his friendship with Harry didn't mean he couldn't be upset about it. That friendship was the only thing he looked forward to everyday— that friendship was the only thing he had to look forward to in general.

"Why're you crying?" A deep voice asked as he walked up his porch steps making his head snap up. When he looked up Harry sitting on one of the porch chairs, playing with the ties on the arm rest. "Is she okay?" His voice was quiet and gentle lined with despondency.

"W-what?" He stayed on the top step staring at his neighbour who refused to make eye contact with him.

"Your nan, is she all right? You're crying." He was still in his grey sweats, hair flopping down onto his shoulders with half of it pulled back into a bun.

"Yeah she's fine. Treatment's going well."

"So why're you crying?" Harry looked up displaying his reddened, slightly puffy eyes. The tip of his nose was slightly pink and his bottom lip was plump and a deep shade of red from biting down on it.

"I'm not. Why- Harry, a-are you okay? Have you been crying?" Concerned, Louis walked up to the chair and brushed his fingers on his arm.

"I have." He looked down to arm smiled softly from the touch.

"Why?" Louis reached out for Harry's hand but that was where he drew the line. Harry pulled his hand away before Louis could touch it. And yeah, he deserved it but it still stung because Harry loved affection and now he didn't even want to hold his hand? Especially when he was clearly upset?

"Seriously? You're asking me why I've been crying?" He reached into his lap and pulled out the envelope with  _Curly_  written on it.

"Harry I-"

"Sh," he cut Louis off. "Here." He handed Louis the envelope earning a look of confusion from the small boy. "Read it to me."

"I can't," Louis said softly as his eyes watered.

"Read it Louis. Tell me to my face that you don't want to be my friend anymore. Tell me everything you said in the letter right here, right now."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. You wrote it down so say it to my face." Harry would admit that he was being a little harsh, but he was overcome by so many emotions. He considered Louis to be his best friend and for him to end the friendship out of nowhere was slightly infuriating. Especially not having said it to his face but in a fucking letter. "Tell me you don't want to be my friend anymore so I can leave."

"Leave?" Louis looked up confused and sad. He didn't want Harry to leave. The letter talked about not being friends anymore not going back to being strangers. He still wanted the idea of Harry to be in his life to be true, just not what it was now.

"That's what you want right? For me to leave? That you want me to  _'try not to notice you'_?" He slammed his palm on the arm rest, making Louis flinch away. "So tell me right now, Lou. Tell me to leave and I'll go." Louis was full on crying from feeling guilty about everything he did to Harry and from the way Harry was talking to him.

"Please stop," Louis begged. Of course Louis didn't want Harry to leave, why would he? He just thought it'd be better this way. There was a reason why he wrote the letter in the first place— so he didn't have to speak the words into existence. And right now he had the chance to tell him to go, that they shouldn't be friends anymore but the words wouldn't come out and it's not like they'd hold any meaning to them anyway.

"Tell me Louis," Harry barely got out because now he was crying too. He was upset as well but his tears were mainly because Louis was crying in quiet sobs because he knew he was pushing him but he needed closure, they both did, if this was really going to happen.

"Please don't make me say it." Harry stood from the seat and wrapped Louis in the tightest hug he's ever given and from there Louis sobbed into Harry's shirt hugging him back as tight as he could while gripping the back of his shirt with his small fists all the while trying his best not to wrinkle the envelope.

"Tell me the truth." He rested his forehead on Louis' shoulder, tightening his arms around the small boy while Louis dug his face into Harry's chest.

"You know the truth," Louis whispered against Harry's chest. The words sent vibrations across his torso and chills formed all around his body.

"I want to hear you say it. At least give me that and then I'll go, okay sunshine?" Harry kissed the top of Louis' head, rubbing his hand up and down his back.

The nickname hurt Louis even more. He was being so kind about it— even though he was being harsh a few minutes ago it was understandable. All he wanted was some sense of closure from Louis instead reading it from a letter. Louis wanted to scream  _I don't want you to leave_  at the top of his lungs, but that would go against everything he said in the letter and he didn't want to confuse Harry even more than he already has. "I don't think we could be friends anymore," Louis squeaked out and it was the hardest thing he's ever had to say. He said them. He finally said the words that have been haunting him all day but it didn't feel as relieving as he anticipated them to be. His initial thoughts were that he'd be relieved because he wouldn't have to be a burden anymore. But the words felt as though they wanted to go back in the second they came out.

There was a small tear in Harry's heart when he finally heard those words escape Louis' lips. He honestly didn't think he'd say them and now that he did it hurt for many reasons. Was Louis really that desperate to get rid of Harry and everything that happened last night was a sham? Or was Louis hurting so much that his self destructive tendencies were taking over his life? "Is that what you really think?" Harry pulled away to look at the small boy in his arms who was clearly in so much more pain than just a friendship ending. They had matching tear stained cheeks and reddened eyes when Louis looked away and shook his head. Harry knew he didn't mean it, but it hurt that he'd say it anyway. "So you lied?" Louis nodded. "You know I don't like when people lie."

"I know," Louis whispered taking a step back and keeping his eyes down to his feet.

"So why'd you do it?" It honestly wasn't that big of a deal and Harry didn't care that much that Louis lied, but it was the possible fact that Louis did it so Harry would have a reason to unfriend him and that broke him even more.

"Because lying is easier than admitting the truth and I'm scared of the truth."

"You're not scared to lose me? Because I can tell you I'm terrified. I don't want your life to go back to you dragging yourself through the day. I don't want you to feel alone and miserable anymore. I want you to smile and laugh and have fun.  _With me_."

"I am, but it's what's best." And he did mean those words. Even though he was hurting because Harry was the only person who had the decency of being nice to him, he knew it was the right thing to do. He convinced himself that he tainted Harry in such a way where he thought he wanted to kiss him and having distance would be a good way for Harry to restart.

"Don't do this to yourself Lou, allow yourself to be happy."

"I have to," he looked back up to Harry with eyes sparkling in the sun and it was like Harry could see the bright, glowing blue in Louis' eyes he saw the night before start to fade to grey again and it took everything in him to not hug Louis again and never let go because this boy that stood in front of him was so broken, so damaged that he believed he ruined people and it's sickening. Harry wanted to tell him over and over that he was worth everything in the world and more and he wasn't what he thought he was. He wasn't a burden and he wasn't a bad influence; he was a joy to be around and an absolute doll. Even in the melancholic times Harry would prefer to be by Louis' side than to be at a party with the rugby team.

"Okay Lou. I'll do whatever you tell me to." He grabbed his envelope back from Louis' hand and walked towards the stairs. Louis didn't turn around because he didn't want to physically watch Harry leave his life. From the bottom of the steps Harry stopped and turned around to look at Louis with sad, watering eyes. "Lou?" Harry's voice cracked.

"Yeah?"

"Look at me?" Louis didn't want to turn around but he also couldn't not turn around, especially when Harry asked. "God," Harry heavily sighed looking to his feet as more tears fell from his eyes making Louis feel more guilty than ever. This was all a bit dramatic for two boys who were only friends but they both needed each other so much in ways the other would never understand. Harry was the only stable thing in Louis' life and Louis was like a release from the toxic world for Harry. "I have something for you." He stepped up half of the steps and smiled when he was almost the same height as Louis because he was a smol boy. Reaching into his right pocket Harry pulled out an envelope with  _Lou_  perfectly centered and perfectly written in his cursive handwriting. "Um, don't read it until you've showered and had something to eat," was the last thing Harry said before walking away to his house. Louis kept his eyes trained on the envelope with his name on it.

But once Harry was nowhere in sight, Louis trudged to his front door, and headed straight for his room. He threw himself on his bed and screamed into his pillow as tears soaked into the fabric. He screamed and screamed and screamed. Why did this hurt worse than the every mean word and name people said to him? And thank god his parents weren't home because they'd sure race to his room in a panic— he was screaming bloody murder. Louis decided he wasn't going to shower or eat anything maybe ever again and accepted the idea of a slow and painful death.

 

** 12:14 am **

Louis fell asleep to the sound of himself crying hours ago. So many bad things have happened to Louis in his lifetime but he was feeling a lot more pain now than he did when things were unarguably worse. The difference was that everything in his past hurt, yes, but he was physically numb to pain. He was accustomed to the pain so it never really hurt. But it hurt more now because he got a glimpse of what happiness could be and, like always, he ruined it for himself. He knew Harry was a sweet guy, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was Louis influencing people in the worst ways.

When his parents returned home around six they checked up on their son after getting no response when his name was called and left him be when he was peacefully sleeping in the semi-darkness of his room. After hours and hours of sleeping, Louis unexpectedly woke up in a pitch black room where the only light was the faint shine of the moon and the dingy orange light from the street lamp. He sat up and stared at the street lamp before looking up to the moon. Wasn't it ironic that the day Louis and Harry weren't friends anymore was the day that the moon decided to be hidden behind thick, black clouds?

Staring at the moon reminded him of all the conversations he had with Harry about the earth, moon, and sun. The more he thought about it the more it solidified that he was the moon. "Even when the sun gives the moon light, he still fails to give it to others." Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "The sun doesn't need the moon," he told himself. "The moon uses the sun's light just so he could be noticed during a time where no one cares about him. Everyone loves the sun. They love his rays that provide them warmth and brown tans, they love the immense light he gives off." Louis' eyes brimmed with tears and the moon became blurry. "They love his curly brown hair and his stupid green eyes and warm smile. But what about the moon?" He slumped back against his headboard and looked around his room. "Nobody cares for the moon. The moon brings cold nights and terror. People are afraid to go out alone at night because so much can be hidden in the darkness. People don't trust the night for it can be deceiving." He looked down to his lap and straightened out the fabric of his comforter. "The moon is useless when people are too afraid to go out and meet it. The moon is useless without the sun."

Being alone wasn't something Louis was a stranger to, but it felt foreign to him. As he stared up at the clouded moon once again he felt so drained like he cried all life out of himself. He felt alone and scared to be surrounded by darkness when he was so used to there being light even within the darkness he lived in. Everything was flooding back like a tidal wave from his daunting past to the flashing image of Harry with tears rolling down his cheeks and for some reason that hurt more to see than the disgusting image of Rory.

With all these thoughts going through his head, Louis was unable to fall asleep so he rolled over and switched his lamp on, his eyes immediately landing on the envelope from Harry. He stared at it remembering what Harry told him to do before reading it and contemplated whether or not he wanted to do it. Because he wasn't in the mood for a shower or a snack, but he really wanted to read what was in that letter so it wasn't a surprise when his feet started to carry him over to his en-suite. He could've easily not done anything Harry asked him to do and just read what he wrote, but he knew Harry listened to his instructions when his outfit was changed and his hair was much more kept than the night before so it was only right he did the same.

It was one of the longest showers Louis' ever taken. He laid on the bottom of the tub for the longest time, letting the water bounce off his stomach for minutes on end. Nothing was on his mind. He stared blankly up at the shower head, watching the water fall out to hit his body. It wasn't for a long while, but he finally got up and cleaned himself off in a flash. When he got out, he dressed in blue plaid pajama pants and a loose black band tee. He combed his hair and guided his way through the darkness downstairs.

When he got to the kitchen, he opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water, placing it on the counter so he could grab a small bowl for ice cream. He sat on the kitchen floor with his back against the cupboards and took his time to eat. After eating the scoop, he sat there daydreaming for a while before he got up and washed his dish. On his way back up Louis grabbed his bottle of water and a packet of fruit snacks. Once the door was locked behind him, Louis sat with his back against the headboard as he got comfortable under his sheets and grabbed the envelope that was addressed to him.

He stared at the way Harry wrote  _Lou_  for a long time. He loved his pretty cursive since it was such a contrast from his small, scratchy handwriting. But he was so anxious. What the envelope held inside was a complete mystery. It could be a glitter bomb for all he knew as Harry's way of saying  _you can try to get rid of me but you never will_. It could be anthrax because if Harry couldn't be Louis' friend than no one could. He shook those ridiculous thoughts away before releasing a big sigh, and finally opening the letter after so much pent up anticipation. It held two pieces of paper labeled to be read in a certain order. He unfolded the paper and furrowed his brows when seeing a list. He scanned around the paper, flipping it a few times in search of any clue on what it was about but no where on the paper gave him any context. So instead he buckled up and started to read and after the first few numbers it was evident on what Harry wrote about. His eyes prickled with tears and his frown was replaced with a faint grin and he even chuckled a few times, shaking his head.  
  


1.     _You're beautiful_  
_2.    You're wonderful_  
_3.    You're funny_  
_4.    You're so tiny and I think it's adorable_  
_5.    You've got the voice of an angel and I wish you could sing me to sleep every night because I swear I'd have the best sleep ever_  
_6.    You're so so so smart_  
_7.    You're a really fun time_  
_8.    You're very witty_  
_9.    And sassy_  
_10.    You're stubborn but it's very endearing_  
_11.    Your handwriting is also very unique (I really like it though)_  
_12.    You smell really good, like vanilla and honey_  
_13.    Your pets are so CUTE. I want to kidnap all of them from you because they're so cool_  
_14.     You like my mac n cheese (:_  
_15.    You're so so nice to everyone even when they're mean to you_  
_16.    It takes you absolutely no effort to make me smile_  
_17.    After spending time with you, you help me forget about all the bad things in this world_  
_18.    It's crazy how talented you are. You haven't said much about your talents, but when I looked around your room it was clear that you're crazy talented and dedicated_  
_19.    Even though you're tough little Lou, I know you're a softie for me. Don't even lie. You know I'm lovable. (Don't worry though, I'm a softie for you too baby girl (; )_  
_20.    Louis, your eyes... how am I supposed to describe them? They're insanely captivating and everyday they get brighter and brighter and they actually turning blue now and it makes me ((:_

A few chuckles, a few tears, and a few smiles came from Louis as he read the list of completely random and unrelated things, but he quickly moved on to the letter as he wiped a tear away.  
  


_My dearest Louis,_

_I'm sure as a fellow intellectual you understood my numbering system so congrats. Welcome to the letter. Now, I know you're wondering what in the h-e- double hockey sticks that was about and if I'm honest with you, I don't really know lmao. After reading your letter it really upset me the way you talked about yourself so at first I wanted to write everything I adored about you but I kind of, sort of got distracted and started writing down random things so.. there's that. I guess I'm rambling because I'm not really sure what to say? I'm writing this hours after writing the list because I had to calm down. Louis, seriously I mean, what was that? Why in a damn letter? I understand everything you were talking about, but why? Why couldn't you say it to my face? Why did you leave me to wake up alone? Why couldn't we have just talked about it and moved on from it? Why won't you ever let yourself be happy? Every time something good happens, you push it away or anytime something gets hard you push it away because you think it'll be easier. You deserve to be happy. You deserve all the happiness in the world because it's long overdue. Although I don't agree with it, I respect your opinion on our friendship but don't assume that I'll be fine and dandy without you in my life because god damn it Louis, you're my happiness right now. You're the one thing I look forward to everyday because you make me feel a lot of things I haven't felt with anyone before. You make me feel like I'm walking on clouds without a fear of falling through them. You know, there are things in my life at the moment that aren't the best but when I see you I forget about everything. And I don't know what it is exactly, but I've always had this pull and dependency on you. I need you Louis. Yeah I may have other friends like Monet and Zayn, but there's something about us that I will never ever have with them. Our bond is so so strong, you can't deny that. We're soulmates— I can't be alone on that thought. I truly think we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of time and it's like without you I'm only half a man at best. Don't punish yourself for smiling and enjoying spending time with me. Don't punish yourself for making a friend and for wanting to rely on them. Reward yourself for opening up and blossoming as a person. Reward yourself for all the progress you made since the beginning of the school year. You're wonderful Lou. You're so so wonderful and all I wish for you is happiness and self acceptance. In order for you to feel better you need to accept that you're Louis and there's no better way to be you than the you that you are. Accept you are different and flaunt it. Accept the fact that you do have a dark past and grow from it. Accept yourself. Don't let your negative thoughts hold you back from being the best you can be. When I first met you your eyes were a light grey and as time went on more blue has been added everyday. Last night they were so blue Louis, so so blue. Life has been inserted back into you, don't squeeze it out because you're afraid of it leaving._

_And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for last night. You shouldn't be the one apologising. I should be on my knees in your presence, begging for forgiveness for violating your personal space. I'm sorry I kissed you. I know that's something way out of your comfort zone and I'm sorry. I honestly don't know what took over me and I should've respected your answer when you turned me down. I should've never forced it upon you like I did. But I'm not going to say I regret it because I don't. You were freaking out about turning me gay, which made me laugh because that's not how it works Lou. But it was our first kiss and it will forever be in my heart as one of my favourite moments of the two of us. And Louis, for god's sake being gay is awesome!! You shouldn't be so afraid or anxious to express yourself because there's nothing wrong with being gay. Gay people have more fun and that's that about that. We love gays. Don't hide yourself anymore, I don't like when you do. Walk with your head up, shoulders back and have that beautiful smile on your face. I wish I could hug you so tight that all your anxieties are wrung out. But I guess it's all too late for that now. By the time you're reading this the war between us will be over but the war within yourself has just multiplied. You might be wondering why I didn't fight for our friendship all too much and as much as I wanted to, I wanted you to follow through with your actions and learn from them. I don't want to be the one to convince you that our friendship is quite literally the best thing in the world. I want you to realise that on your own so that if you ever come around, you truly understand and believe every word. And I'll be waiting till then. If or when you finally come around I'll be waiting and I'll give you the biggest, tightest, warmest hug because I know that after that moment we would never have to worry about anything. And I can't promise that I won't give you a kissy or two on your cheeks because that's how happy I'll be. This letter is so long wow.. and I haven't even said everything I wanted to say. Louis, Lou, sunshine, kitten, sunflower, sun, lovely, sweet and every other ridiculous name I call you; as this letter is coming to a close I want to say a few last things and it might get a little real. My Louis, you have this incredible gift of being strong and you've been using it for so long. You've been so so strong for a long time, not only for yourself but for everyone else in your life. But I challenge you to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to be weak and let your guard down and let people in to rebuild everything's that been shattered in you. Vulnerability is scary, yes, but without being vulnerable you will never grow to the expectations you have for yourself. Be vulnerable and put trust into people no matter how scary it is and learn from it. Whether they betray you or stay loyal to you, allow them in to help rebuild anything and everything you need help fixing. Don't give up on yourself because I never will. You don't have to suffer anymore. You don't have to keep yourself from being happy anymore. Take all the time you need to heal and to realise where we stand. You know where I live, I'll be waiting. I love you Louis._

_Yours truly,_  
_Harry xx_

After reading it over and over, Louis still had no words. He was left speechless, not being able to comprehend everything he just read. Harry was never afraid to express how he felt but he's never said so much at one time and it left Louis quite overwhelmed. So overwhelmed that tears streamed down his face. He knew his decision was a bad idea but he just realised how bad it was. Harry never cared about anything but Louis and making Louis happy because he believed that's what Louis deserved. So why was that so hard for Louis to see? Because Louis is Louis and he doesn't see anything unless it's something bad.

Right now it was well past two am and from all the crying and sadness today, Louis was getting exhausted again. So he set the letter from Harry on the pillow he wasn't using and turned his lamp light off, drifting to sleep with swollen eyes and sniffling his nose, sadder than he's been in a while. But somehow, someway fell asleep with the tiniest tiniest tiniest smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao sorry yall


	32. rather than reacting out of frenzied emotions and a hazy mind

mood: slow dancing in the dark- joji   
  


** Sunday, October 28th 10:17 am **

It was the latest Louis' ever woken up, but he felt well rested. When he woke, his eyes were so puffy they couldn't open all the way, but he didn't remember a time he felt so relaxed. The circumstances could've been better however, he'll take what he could get. He wasn't happy Harry was gone in anyway, but now that the whole chaos was over he finally had a clear mind and was able to look at things from a different point of view. Having a good sleep gave him the time to look at things rationally rather than reacting out of frenzied emotions and a hazy mind.

The first thing he did when waking up was read Harry's letter about three or four times over again before getting out of bed and heading to the shower. As he showered, he thought about everything Harry said in the letter and in person. There were mixed feelings about the letter itself because it made him happy while simultaneously making him sad— as goes for their conversation in person. Nothing that was written was truly worthy of getting upset over because it was full of understanding and support, but it was what the letter resembled: the ending of their friendship. It was his fault but still, he was allowed to be upset over it. And it was the fact that Harry spoke such kind, sweet words and how he allowed Louis to figure himself out and where he stood on their friendship. That alone almost made Louis want to shred his letter to pieces and to circle Harry in a hug and never let go.

He hasn't had someone so caring in his life and he didn't think he'll ever be able to get used to it, but it's only been just over twelve hours and Louis was missing Harry or the idea of Harry really. Because, obviously, he wasn't in the mood to be around people at the moment but not having the idea of Harry being there in case he did felt like something was missing. It only been twelve hours and Louis was missing Harry's stupid, annoying, persistent text messages from the second he woke to the minute he fell asleep. He missed the notifications of Harry tagging him in posts on different social medias. His day just started and he was already missing that boy because there were no text messages or notifications from being tagged in posts.

Though being well rested, his mood still wasn't as good as it could be. Losing a friend wasn't the easiest thing to handle, especially if they were anything like Harry: kind, supportive, caring,  _beautiful_. Just like not too long ago, Louis let the water bounce off his skin as he stood with his head drooped between his shoulders with hairs stuck to his face and neck. There were many things Louis could've felt, especially with a clear mind, but he felt nothing. It was like all his emotions cancelled each other out: he was sad but he also felt somewhat of joy, he felt guilty yet content with his decision, he wanted to do nothing but mope but he also wanted to busy himself to distract him from the decision he made.

Throughout his lengthy shower, his mind kept switching from the letter to Harry, Friday night, the costume, the kiss, how he was a few months ago compared to now, and everything else possible. So much had happened in the few months they've known each other and it was quite literally life changing—  _Harry_  was life changing. Louis finally made a friend, a genuine one at that. He used to be so timid and afraid of the world and little did he know that in just a few months he'd be telling the cute boy from across the street his deepest darkest secrets. It was all a scary thought, but was what he was doing worth it? Was all the effort he put into keeping Harry away really worth it? When at the end of the day he'd just keep coming back? Was all the pushing away worth it that Harry would finally agree to it?

The simple answer was no, it truly was not worth it. Louis didn't really believe in the phrase  _'you don't know what you got until it's gone'_  until now. He didn't think he took Harry for granted, but it was obvious how much he had. If he wholeheartedly utilised Harry's friendship for the better, then he wouldn't be feeling so empty. He felt empty because he didn't know Harry's role in his life because he was too busy worrying about what he thought his intentions were rather than what they actually were. The more complex answer had to do with the details of every single thing involved and how he felt about it. Because he was glad he wasn't a burden but he was sad that he didn't have the idea of Harry. He felt guilty about his decision but thought it was the right thing to do.

But it was too late to take back everything he's done and the only thing left to do was what Harry told him to: reflect. So once he got out of the shower looking like a prune, he dressed and sat at his desk, staring down at the pen that rested on the notebook he pulled out from his desk. Whenever he felt conflicted on something that was talking a toll on the way he functioned, Louis would make a pros and cons list to weigh his options— you should see how many lists he had. Starting with the pros, Louis grabbed his pencil and started to scribble down his thoughts on Harry and their friendship.

_Pros:_   
_1.    He's nice_   
_2.    He's caring_   
_3.    I'm not lonely anymore_   
_4.    He pushes me to get out of my comfort zone to better improve myself_   
_5.    He encourages me to treat myself better_   
_6.    He makes me smile_   
_7.    He's the first person I opened up to in a long time_   
_8.    He makes me feel warm and gushy_   
_9.    He wants me to be happy_   
_10.    He compliments me even though they're not true_   
_11\. He gives warm hugs_   
_12\. He's always there for me_   
_13\. He makes me feel less sad_   
_14\. Whenever he's around we always have a good time_   
_15\. He trusts me_

Surprisingly the hardest part was trying to think of the cons about Harry and their friendship. Usually the negatives were the easiest thing to point out, but there was really nothing wrong with anything that involved Harry. Nonetheless, he still sat long and hard trying to come up with anything to write down.

_Cons:_   
_1.    No peace and quiet?_   
_2.    Less alone time_   
_3\. But more alone time- overthinking_

And that was about all he could think of because the friendship he had with Harry was honestly so pure and so genuine now that he had time to really think about it. It was ridiculous that he just realised it, but better late than sorry. He couldn't imagine what it would've been like if the kiss never happened. After his first two lists, he then wanted to make a pros and cons list of not having a friendship with Harry.

_Pros:_   
_1\. More alone time_   
_2\. Peace and quiet_   
_3\. He doesn't bother me lol_   
_4.   No stupid jokes_

(Yes, he actually wrote  _lol_  on his list). When it came time for the cons, that's was probably one of the easiest cons to think of.

_Cons:_   
_1.    He doesn't bother me_   
_2.    No stupid jokes_   
_3.    Sadness_   
_4.    No warm hugs_   
_5.    No smiles_

He could've kept going on like he did the first list, but he decided to end it there because that was all he needed. The lists helped him see both sides to a situation where he didn't know which side would be better. It was obvious what Louis wanted, with or without the lists. He knew what he wanted before even creating the lists but he just wanted to make sure he was going to make the right decision.

When he finished his lists, he stared out his window for no particular reason at all. All he wanted was to further clear his mind and he wasn't looking anywhere in particular but his eyes just so happened to wander to Harry's house. Apparently it was no use, because many things crossed his mind about him: how he was doing, what he was feeling, what he was doing, if he was upset or if he was watching the telly like he would on a normal Sunday. All of his sudden thoughts that were flashing through his mind got interrupted when the muffled slam of a car door brought his attention away from the house. His hands started to clam up at the thought of someone coming over his house but soon relaxed when he saw the vehicle was parked across the street.

Monet stepped out the car and headed towards Harry's house. "Guess he's doing alright then," Louis said softly to himself, not taking his eyes away from the window. He wasn't jealous at all, but he thought Harry would at least be a little upset. The idea of Harry inviting Monet over after everything that happened yesterday might've saddened him a little bit. He didn't expect or want Harry to be sad over it, no, but he thought if he meant as much to him as he said he did, then he'd be a little more upset and not invite people over to hang out.

His thoughts were soon shut down when he saw Harry speed walking towards Monet before he embraced her so tight with sadness written all over his face. He was clearly upset and anyone could see that and now Louis felt bad for thinking what he initially thought. But he did like the fact that Harry had someone to hold and talk to when he was upset because that's what he needed. For Louis, Harry was the only person he had that cared enough to want to know what was wrong. He could go to his parents but he didn't pay much mind to that thought because he didn't want to bother them with his problems and they didn't have a good past record of listening to his problems. Same goes for his grandparents. He'd tell them no doubt, but his nan's blood pressure could only get so high. So instead he walked back to his bed and went back to sleep.  
  
  


When Harry received the text from Monet saying she arrived, he jumped out of bed and rushed down the stairs. He woke up around the same time he usually did but he never felt so restless. He fell asleep hours past midnight overthinking absolutely everything. He wondered what Louis did with his letter— if he threw it away or read it, if he actually listened to his instructions before reading it, if he even read it at all, how he reacted to the letter, what he thought of it, etc. In all honesty, he just wanted to know if Louis was okay but he couldn't do that. Of course Harry could send him a quick text, but then he'd go against what he said about him allowing Louis to decide things on his own and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardise that.

Even after a steamy shower, he still felt like crap, so he texted Monet to see if she'd come over to have a chat. She quickly texted back saying she'd be on her way after finishing up brunch with her mum and when she finally arrived Harry wrapped her in the biggest hug, needing to be comforted. She didn't hesitate to hold him just as tight, allowing him to hunch over and dig his face into her neck, trying to find warmth.

"You look like shit," she spoke softly into Harry's shoulder. His eyes were red and slightly puffy along with his nose. She rubbed her hand up and down his back, swaying their bodies from side to side.

Harry managed a chuckle and pulled away, wiping at his nose after a sniffle. "I feel like shit," he responded back.

"Let's get you back inside, yeah?" Monet placed her hand on the small of Harry's back to lead him into the house. "Wouldn't want the world to have to see this horrendous mess."

"Shut up." It was great that Monet knew just how to make Harry laugh. As he walked to his house he turned around to quickly glance at Louis' window and when he saw his silhouette looking back at him he flashed a smile and turned back around. At least he knew Louis was thinking about him— he hoped at least.

"Do you think Louis' thinking about me?" What? He couldn't help but ask. And even if she didn't have the answer, any answer would suffice.

"Um, sure?" The only thing he forgot, was that Monet had no clue as to why she was invited over, let alone why Harry was asking that question.

"Want anything to eat or drink?" Harry asked when they entered his house.

It made Monet giggle because he seemed nervous in her presence and she did tell him where she was this morning. "No H, I just came back from brunch with my mum."

A nervous chuckle escaped his lips as he stood awkwardly, looking down to the floor and fiddling with his hands. "Right, um, I guess we can head to my room now." He led her to his room and Monet closed the door behind her and sat next to Harry who was sitting at the edge of his bed. "So," he started.

"I can tell you're upset, but you don't have to be so awkward, love. It's just me." She's never seen Harry act this way, not even when they broke up. Unless that's why... "Um, H, this isn't about us right? Like you're not regretting anything?"

"No." He was quick to respond and his demeanour changed completely. "No, no, no. Of course not."

"Hey!" She smacked his arm with a laugh.

"I didn't mean it like that, just- you're a great girl but-"

"Okay, don't Harry. Get on with it."

He sighed and looked to his lap for a quick second, trying to find his words before sighing heavily. "I don't know, Mo. I've never been this sad before I guess. I don't really know what to do with myself." He shrugged, staring down at his comforter and traced the stitching.

"Talk to me. What happened?" She scooted closer to the tall boy and wrapped her arm around him knowing that physical contact helped soothe Harry.

Harry leaned into her touch and was able to relax a bit. "It's so dumb because he's just a boy. He was just a friend but I feel so sad." He didn't know how he wanted to break the news to Monet. Not that it would matter to her, but he didn't know how he wanted to phrase it without it sounding too dramatic. "Basically me and Louis aren't friends anymore." He shook his head remembering his very first encounter with Louis and softly smiled at the memory but it soon faltered when coming back to reality. "It's my fault, I don't-" he abruptly cut himself off thinking about what he did.

"You guys aren't friends anymore?" Now that was some news. The last she knew they were doing just fine. Especially since just a few days ago Harry left a party early to go spend time with Louis instead. Harry shook his head that hung low between his shoulders. "Why not?"

He took a deep breath to try to calm himself, wiping a tear away from his cheek before it dropped onto his clothes. Anyone would say that he was overreacting, even he would admit that he was, especially since it was just the end of a friendship but he thought that him and Louis had a special connection that he would never have with anyone else. It had nothing to do with Harry and everything to do with the way Louis made Harry feel. Louis made him feel... whole. He didn't know how he could explain it, but that was the best way he could. "Um, I uh- Remember when I left the party early Friday night?"

"Yeah?"

"I went to see Louis, like you knew I would, and god Mo, it was so much fun. We talked and we messed around all night and it was like nothing I've done before. We talked a lot and we got into some really deep conversations where I told him things I've never told anyone and he'd tell me things he's never told anyone and it was just  _so_  cool. Like the atmosphere was so warm and comforting."

"So you two aren't friends anymore because you guys talked?" She hesitated to ask, clearly confused.

"No Mo, please, just let me talk," he snapped. "Sorry, I don't- I don't know why-" Monet's hand slid up Harry's back and rubbed calming patterns, understanding that a lot was going on in his brain.

"You're fine, just tell me what happened." She leaned her head on Harry's shoulder with her hand continuing to move around his back.

"When the night was coming to an end it was super late and we played this dumb game I made up," he chuckled for no apparent reason. "So like the first ten questions are 'is it true..' questions and the last ten are any questions and no matter the answer they'd have to explain why." He paused to play over the events from that night in his head and softly smiled at the memories of him tackling Louis to the ground to them sitting under the pretty lights eating pizza to their backs being pressed together to them laying next to each other, their hands interlocked as they looked up to the sky. No doubt was it one of the best nights of his life and he only hoped Louis felt the same. "Louis was nervous to play so I gave him two passes. By the end of the game he ended up using both of his passes on questions I will not be mentioning for the sake of his privacy." He took a quick pause to think of how he wanted to phrase how his night ended with Louis. "The last question was for me to ask. I don't know what took over me, honestly. Maybe it  _was_  the beer or from the deep talks or the connection we had, or from what you said-"

"Sorry to interrupt, but please get on with it."

"Right. Um, well, I asked Louis if I could kiss him." He cringed into himself, not from the memory but scared of what Monet's reaction would be. What if she thought he was a terrible person to ask that kind of question to someone so reserved as Louis? What if she thought he was trying to pressure Louis to fulfil his own wants and needs?

But Monet wasn't thinking any of that at all, especially when all she said was, "you what?" Her voice was filled with shock, confusion, and joy?

"I know, I know. It's horrible. I don't know why I asked. I didn't even think of the question. I was going to ask a different question but after I saw how dull reflection of the stars looked in his bright blue eyes, it just slipped out." He smiled remembering how good Louis looked that night because he honestly had never looked better. But the thought confused him because obviously the entire world should know that Louis Tomlinson was pretty, but there was a foreign fuzzy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn't exactly know what it was and although it was strange, it was also slightly comforting.

"What'd he say?" Harry finally looked up at Monet, and bit the inside of his cheek.

"He told me pass but I said that he already used both passes so he said no." He shook his head, ashamed of what he forced upon Louis. "I begged him and he went on about how I didn't mean it because I was drunk and the only thing that went through my mind was  _'the hell I don't mean it'_  and then I cut him off by kissing him. I don't know, it just kind of angered me that he didn't think I would want to kiss him so I did." He looked to his window that led straight to Louis' house. "I've never kissed a boy until then. I mean, besides Niall but that wasn't a real kiss." Louis was technically his first kiss with a boy and he honestly didn't mind it all as much as he probably should have.

"It was a real kiss?"

"I mean, yeah. Kind of, right? Because I kissed Niall as a joke but I guess I actually wanted to kiss Louis. Or is it not a real kiss because he didn't want to kiss me?"

"H, I think you're losing track of what really matters here." Monet eyed him suspiciously. It didn't bother her that maybe, possibly Harry might have a crush on Louis. The possibilities of that were most likely slim, but why else would he care about the details of the kiss or why was he so sad about their friendship coming to an end? He wasn't even that sad when Monet broke up with him.

"Right."

"So what happened after that?" Although she didn't want to think that way, she couldn't help the small smile from forming on her face.

"He asked me why I did it and I told him he deserved to be kissed because he was pretty then pulled him in for a cuddle and went to sleep." He looked up at Monet who was still confused about everything but was slowly beginning to understand.

"So you kissed him." Harry nodded his head. " _And_  cuddled to sleep?" He nodded his head again. "Hm," she hummed calmly but was internally screaming. Like what in the actual fuck was happening?

"What?"

"Nothing. Then what? Like what happened for you to think that your friendship with Louis is ruined?"

" _I_  don't think it ruined our friendship, Louis thought it did. I woke up the next morning alone in his backyard because he went to visit his grandma and he left me a letter." He stood from the bed and walked over to his nightstand where he kept the letter and handed it to Monet for her to read. "I probably shouldn't be showing you this, but no one explains Louis' thoughts like Louis himself." She nodded and carefully unfolded the letter and started to read. As she skimmed through the letter, Harry patiently sat next to her nervously picking at his nails. He didn't want to see her reactions to the letter, afraid of many things.

Like he didn't think it was a good idea, especially because there was a handful of things about Louis that he probably wouldn't want other people to know, but he didn't know how to say it and quite frankly he didn't want to explain it. He didn't want Monet to possibly look at Louis less than she should.  He didn't want Monet to be mad at him or anything along those lines, but she was his best friend and he could trust her with his life. No matter what was in that letter he knew Monet wouldn't think twice about either boy, but that didn't stop Harry from being nervous about it.

When she finished reading it once, she read it over one more time to better grasp the situation with as much understanding as she could. After both times, she placed the letter down on the mattress and stared off in space. "Please say something," Harry begged.

"I don't know Harry. It's so sad. I genuinely didn't think Louis thought of himself like that."

"I know."

She sighed and furrowed her brows. "I just- Now I feel terrible for never talking to him and helping him like you have. I thought he was just upset about all the teasing, but this? I didn't know it ran this deep."

"There was no way for you to know. Sure you saw his sadness but Louis is a master of charades. He'll only show you what he wants you to see."

"What did you do? How did you respond to that?"

"I waited for him to get home and we talked about it briefly. But I wrote him a letter as well, basically telling him that I'd leave him alone because I didn't want to be the one to convince him we have an amazing friendship. I told him that I wanted him to figure it out on his own and if he ever decided to be my friend again that he knew where I lived and that I'd be waiting for him with open arms."

"Jesus Christ. You'd think this was a breakup of two years."

"It was a breakup! It genuinely feels that way. It's so stupid, isn't it?"

"No. Is it all a bit dramatic? Sure. But you care deeply about him, it's understandable and I know he feels the same way."

"You think?" Monet smiled at him when he looked to her with a face full of hope. She nodded and rubbed her hand on Harry's thigh.

"Nothing since then?"

"No. That all happened yesterday."

"Could I give you my opinion?"

"Of course." He was curious all the while being nervous on what Monet thought of the situation.

"To start of, I think you feel a responsibility to protect Louis from everything including himself. Though that's a thoughtful thing to do, you can't keep putting pressure on yourself when things don't go how you want them to go." Okay, that had nothing to do with the situation, but Harry continued to listen. "I know you're upset about not being able to talk to Louis, but I also know that you're just as upset because Louis blames himself and not you." He looked away because he felt like he got caught doing something bad. He never thought of it that way, but Monet was always smarter than he was. "I'm sure in the letter you wrote some crap of you putting all the blame on yourself. And in no way am I saying this was Louis' fault either. You shouldn't throw around blame because really, it was no one's fault."

"I understand what you're saying and I partially agree, but someone has to take the blame and it shouldn't be Louis. He did absolutely nothing wrong. I was the one who asked and initiated the kiss."

"I think you should step away from putting the blame on someone and start to think about why Louis reacted the way he did."

Harry looked at her with furrowed brows. "What do you mean? He said it in the letter."

Monet flatlined her lips and slightly shook her head. "No, I don't think it was," she spoke hesitantly because she was afraid that what she thought was going to affect Harry negatively.

"What do you mean?" Now Harry was more confused than ever. Monet was good at spotting things but Harry couldn't help but feel like she was reaching far out for an answer.

They sat in silence for a few moments, while Monet tried to figure out an easier to say what was on her mind. "God, I hope this doesn't affect the future between you two but it's been bugging me this entire time."

"What is it?"

"You're an idiot Harry." His jaw dropped in complete shock and offense from her words. He watched as she stood and paced the floor like she was overwhelmed with trying trying to find what to say. But when she found there was really no easy way to beat around the bush, she just let it out. "That boy likes you, H. Why else would he freak out over the kiss? Why else would he jeopardise I'm sure one of the best things to happen to him in a while? He's scared you'd reject his friendship because of his feelings for you."

Silence. What could Harry say after hearing that? He didn't want to believe it, not that it was a problem at all, but that theory had never even crossed his mind. Though he thought it was ridiculous, he also didn't think it was too far out of reach. Sure, it could be a possibility, but Louis didn't like people in general so why in the world would he like Harry?

"He likes me because I'm his friend, Mo. And of course that wouldn't hinder me being friends with him. Whether or not he has a crush on me, I'd still be his friend. I'm not shallow. But he doesn't like me like that. He hardly likes human beings as a species."

"Don't be dense, Harry."

"I'm not, I'm just being logical. Louis didn't even want to be my friend. What makes you think he likes me?"

"Because look at you Harry." She gestured her hands up and down towards Harry. "You're attractive and you're nice. Everyone likes that. What makes you think Louis is an exception?"

"Because he doesn't. All he does is push me away."

"Because he's afraid you're going to find out! Come on Harry, listen to yourself."

"You're being ridiculous Mo." Harry rolled his eyes and laid back on his bed.

"I'm not. I also think you should look a little deeper within yourself rather than just scratching the surface and then blaming it on that." She sat on the mattress, leaning on her hand and looked down at him.

"What are you assuming?" He gave her a glance with knitted brows.

"Nothing at all. I'm just saying both of you are blaming yourselves but what if it was something else?"

"Like what?"

"I don't think I have the answer for that." Harry dropped his head back onto his mattress and stared at his white ceiling. He wasn't annoyed in any way, that wasn't the problem. And he wasn't bothered by the possibility of Louis liking him. So maybe it was what he didn't know that really bothered him. The fact that maybe Louis really did like him more than a friend but there was nothing he could do about. What if Louis really was happy about them not being friends and was just pretending? He was a master of charades after all.

What if, what if, what if. It was always the what if's.

"I just want to hug him," Harry spoke softly.

"What?" Monet asked, confused from the sudden confession.

"Louis. I want to hug him so bad because I know that he's hurting no matter how many doubts my mind has. He's hurting and it's not just over our friendship. Everything from his past has affected his actions now."

"Why don't you then? I know you said you didn't want to be the one to convince him and all that, but it's just a hug. It's not like you said you were going to vanish from his life."

"Because for once I don't want to be the first to give in." He crossed his arms behind his head and looked at Monet. "In the past it was always me who went after Louis, but now I need him to need me back."

"Makes sense."

"What kills me though is that I never know what's on his mind, you know?" At this point Harry was just babbling on about his thoughts that involved Louis.

"Yeah, but at least he's opening up."

"No, yeah, I'm grateful for that, but that's not what I meant. I just never know what he's feeling. Like he can predict my actions but I can't predict his. Like does he want to hug me right now? Is he sad? Is he regretting what he did? I mean, it's driving me nuts not knowing how he stands."

"You need to let it go, H. I know it just happened but you can't continue to mope around and fill your mind with Louis and expect to be happy."

"Even if I were to just  _let it go_ , he lives across the street from me. I see him all the time."

"You think this is going to last for a long time?"

Harry waited a while before responding. That was one of the things he didn't think about and quite frankly, he didn't want to. What if Louis had no intentions on returning in his life? That would hurt, especially after Friday night when he told Louis things he never told anyone. Sure, they might've not have been as heavy as the things Louis told him, but it was hard for him to admit, especially because he didn't want Louis to be scared of him. It was highly, highly,  _highly_  unlikely but what if Louis was going to use those things against Harry? He highly doubted it because Louis was a god given angel but just  _what if_.

"I really hope not. But that's not up to me and since it's not, the future is unpredictable when you put it in the hands of Louis Tomlinson."

"And what if it is?"

Harry sighed heavily, closing his eyes. "I don't really want to think about that. But I mean, at the end of it all I'd have to just carry on with my life."

"I know it's obvious, but tell me why this all such a big deal. Like why wasn't it just like any other of your friends you cut ties with?"

"You know that feeling of content before you go to sleep when you have a good day? Like when you get under the covers and feel the warmth of the comforter wrapped around you but you still have the fan on and it all just feels so great?"

Harry looked over to Monet who was furrowing her brows not really knowing what he was trying to get at. "Yeah, sure. But what does that-"

"That's how he makes me feel. I think that's the best way I can explain it. He just makes me feel so..."

"Happy."

"Yeah," Harry smiled.

"Content."

"Yeah."

" _Whole_."

He bit down on his lip and looked to Monet, nodding his head and smiled. "Whole."

"You're so whipped Harry," Monet laughed, shaking her head.

"What do you mean? No I'm not."

"You're lost without him and you've only been  _friends_  friends for like a month."

"He's amazing, Mo, what can I say?"

"You weren't even this torn when we broke up."

"I probably would have if you didn't want to be in my life anymore. Just imagine what I'd be doing right now if you weren't here."

"You'd lose your fucking mind and probably write Louis a love song."

Harry laughed, shaking his head. "Actually, I have started writing a song but it's not for Louis." Harry stood up and walked over to his guitar. "Would you tell me if it's shit or not?" He sat next to Monet on the bed, wrapping the strap behind his neck and propped up the guitar on his leg.

"Sure." Monet laughed.

"And don't make fun of me because I'm still trying to learn the guitar. Niall hasn't been over in a while."

"He's been teaching you?"

"Yeah. I'm hopeless though, but I'm trying my best."

"Play for me." Harry nodded and took a deep breath because this was the first time he played in front of someone seriously who wasn't his mum.

"I only have a few lines of the chorus done. At least I think it could be the chorus."

"Just play Harry."

"Okay, okay." After another deep breath, Harry started to strum the melody of his song with the basic strumming pattern Niall taught: the simple down, down, up, up, down, up. He played over his four chords a few times before actually coming in to sing because he was nervous, okay? " _We keep taking turns, but will we ever learn? The spaces between us hold all our secrets leaving us speechless and I don't know why."_  He brought his strumming to a halt and kept his eyes on the frets before looking to Monet with pursed lips. "It needs some tweaking, I know, but I think it might not be that bad of a start?"

There was no doubt in her mind on who he wrote that possible chorus about but she decided not to comment on it because he insisted it wasn't about Louis. "It's actually really good, H. When did you start writing it?"

"A few weeks ago. Writing a song is harder than I thought, especially when trying to find a key and whatever and I know my voice isn't that great either so-"

"Harry shut up. It was good, I promise." Monet smiled and placed a hand on his arm. "I would tell you if it wasn't and you know that."

"Yeah. I, um, I actually have another line or two from this one and I have a few other songs I started writing."

"I'm all ears." Getting to listen to Harry sing? Monet would never turn down that offer.

" _The spaces between us keep getting deeper. It's harder to reach you even though I try._ "

"Is that the order you have them in?"

"Uh, yeah, unless..."

"No, I just think it'll be better if you flip them so it'll be like we keep taking turns, will we ever learn? Spaces between us keep getting deeper and then the spaces between us hold all our secrets. Because I think that way it's a cause and effect. Like you say the space between these two people are getting bigger. Why? Because of the secrets. But that's just me."

"No, no, I like that. I really like that." Harry grabbed a pencil and a brown leather journal that was in his bedside table and scribbled a few things down before flipping to a different page. He looked up to Monet as if asking if he could play it to her and she nodded. He started to play an obscure melody that wasn't the easiest to play, especially for a beginner like Harry so it wasn't a shock when he messed up a few times. "Fuck," he grunted when messing up for the fifth time.

"Take your time H, don't rush it," Monet assured him that everything was fine and even suggested he just strummed instead of fingerpicking because it was easier. At first he refused, but when he couldn't play his own melody he created, he gave in and strummed.

" _Your flowers just died. Plant new seeds in the melody. Let me inside, I wanna get to know you. I don't wanna make you feel bad, but I've been trying hard not to act a fool. My sunflower._ "

Monet sighed, shaking her head. "Harry Styles."

"What?"

"Do you have a song that isn't about Louis?"

"What are you talking about? The first one wasn't about Louis."

"Oh, so this one is?" Harry blushed and bit down on his bottom lip.

"No," he said sheepishly.

"No? You said sunflower."

"And? I have a sunflower tapestry." He pointed to the fabric hanging on the wall behind him.

"Yeah, tell me when and why you got it." She crossed her arms over her chest and raised a brow because she knew everything.

"Shut up." He went back to trying to fingerpick the melody without answering Monet's question. She just shook her head at the curly haired boy because yes, he was so fucking whipped and he didn't even know it.  
  


** 1:34 pm **

For the rest of the time Monet was there, Harry sang her a few lines that he had for different songs he wrote and she kindly listened and offered feedback. He didn't have that many songs, but the only reason he had multiple was because when writing one song, sometimes he'd come up with a lyric he really liked but thought it would sound better not in the song he was writing so then he'd write a different song around that. It was a mess, but Harry didn't really know what he was doing so it was quite fitting.

Harry was really glad that Monet came over because he was feeling a million times better than before. Even though he was feeling better, he still had that feeling of loneliness especially after she left. But it was nice to get his mind off the bad for a few hours and he promised her that he'd continue to keep his mind off of it by busying himself with something around the house, going out, or continuing to write a song that wasn't about Louis.

Monet was about to get into her car and drive home when she heard a door shut from across the street. She looked over and saw a tiny boy walking to his drive, fiddling with keys in his hand. Since she helped one she might as well attempt to do the same with the other because she knew Louis really had no outlet, so she walked across the street with the intentions of trying to cheer him up.

"Louis, hey!" She spoke with a cheery voice so Louis wouldn't think she was pitying him.

The voice startled him to say the least but if Louis wouldn't have witnessed Monet and Harry a few hours ago he would have tensed into a ball. "Hi," he whispered.

"Are you heading out?" What else could she ask? She didn't want to ask how he was doing because, well, she didn't want to make anything worse.

"Um, yeah. Was heading to the grocery store to pick up a few things." Hardly ever did Louis drive. He had his license but driving gave him crazy anxiety so if he ever did, he'd only drive to places that weren't too far from his home.

"I can give you a ride if you want."

"Uh, no, it's okay. I'm, uh, I'm alright."

"Okay Louis, I'm just going to tell you right now that I'm not going to leave unless you're tagging along. If Harry's upset then I know you are too and you need someone to vent to if you want to feel better. So please, come with me. I'll even pay for whatever you need to get."

"Oh, no. That's not necessary."

"But I insist. C'mon." She started walking to her car without Louis and before she crossed the road she turned around and signalled with her hand for Louis to follow her. And he did. Which was a shock, but he knew Monet was one of the nice ones. He got into the car with only little hesitation— he always felt more comfortable around females than males, especially in cars.

He buckled up his seatbelt and sat quietly in the passenger seat. Monet started the car and scrolled through her phone a bit, not wanting to push Louis to talk. "Is he okay?"

His voice caught her attention and she looked up from her phone. "Harry?"

"Yeah, is he okay?"

"He's doing alright. He was pretty upset this morning but he's doing better." She put the car in drive and was on her way.

"That's good." He was glad Harry was doing alright, but there wasn't a smile on his face. "I'm guessing he told you everything?"

"Yeah, close to everything." He nodded and looked at the window, trying to stop himself from crying.

"Do you think I'm a a bad person as well?"

She heard the quiver in Louis' voice and she quickly glanced over a few times with furrowed brows. "Oh, don't cry Louis." She reached over to hold his hand for comfort. The affection caught Louis off guard making him snap his head to his hand. "Of course I don't and Harry doesn't think you're a bad person. He actually really misses you."

Louis held Monet's hand back and even though it was way smaller and daintier than Harry's, he imagined it to be his. "It's only been a day, if that."

"And he's miserable. He kept saying that all he wanted to do was hang out with you. All he wanted was to talk to you and said it was like an itch he couldn't reach." Louis looked back out the window, biting his cheek. "Don't you miss him too?"

Louis didn't respond right away. He thought about his answer because yeah he missed Harry but it was the matter of fact he wanted to admit it. "I mean, I guess. It's very quiet without him around."

Monet laughed, nodding her head. "He is very loud." Louis chuckled along and sighed because this conversation was a lot easier than he thought it'd be. "He said Friday was a good night?"

"Yeah, it was." His eyes closed momentarily to reminisce on that wonderful night not too long ago. It was life changing for him, before the kiss at least. So much trust was put into each other and that was monumental. "We had some very nice talks."

Monet smiled as she struggled but still managed to turn onto another road with one hand. "He said the same thing."

"He did?"

"Yeah. He said, and I quote, 'it was just  _so_  cool'." She dropped her voice and slowed down her words to try and mimic the way Harry talked.

Louis giggled at the attempt. "Yeah, it was. It was just that I can't help but feel guilty about the kiss. I feel like I influenced him negatively."

"Being gay isn't a negative thing, Louis. Sure some people may think of you differently, but it's not a bad thing."

"That's not what I meant. Well kind of. I just meant that I influenced him to do something he wouldn't think of doing."

"He doesn't blame you though."

"But he should. It's my fault."

"No, I don't think it's anyone's fault. It just happened you know?"

"It's not that big of a deal, I know. But I just- I don't want to change him."

"It's a little too late for that Louis." Monet turned into the car park of Tesco, pulling into a the nearest spot to the store she could find.

"What do you mean?" He asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"You've changed him so much." They both stepped out the car and walked next to each other to the store. "When he first moved here he was sure of himself. He didn't care for the trying to impress people, but when he met you all of that changed. He wanted nothing more than to impress you and make you like him."

"He changed himself to impress me?"

"No, he wanted to impress you and along the way he changed. You didn't make him do anything. He wanted you to like him and since you two have been spending a lot of time together he picked up some of your habits I'm sure." Louis ripped a bag off the spool to put some fresh kale inside. "It's not a bad thing, it's just human nature."

"I don't know."

"You've picked up on some of his habits. Like you scrunch your nose when something gets awkward or when you're confronted with something I've notice. You also stand with your hands linked behind your back like he does." Louis looked down and brought his arms back to the front with a blush dusting across his cheeks. "People influence people. It's not a bad thing."

Monet wasn't too much taller than Louis and he pouted internally because even girls were taller than he was. "You scrunch your eyebrows just how he does."

She smiled down at him and asked, "what are you needing?"

"Just a few things." He pulled a list out from his pocket and handed it to Monet.

She scanned over the paper, reading over the seven items that were written in neat handwriting. "I'll get these three items since they're on the other side of the store and you can get the produce items, yeah?"

"Okay."

"Meet me at register five." With a nod, they parted ways. Monet only made the suggestion of parting ways because she knew Louis wasn't much of a talker and she didn't want to make things awkward. But it wasn't too long that they were separated before they met up at register five. "I hope these were the right ones."

Louis looked at the items in Monet's hands and nodded. "Yeah, those are fine." They placed the items on the conveyor belt and waited for the cashier to scan and bag the items for them.

"Seventeen thirty four," the cashier said.

Louis reached into his pocket for the money but Monet stopped him and slipped her card into the machine. "You didn't have to do that Monet," Louis whispered loudly.

"I told you I would," she spoke while entering her pin. "Put the cash away." Monet grabbed both of the bags and headed out the store.

"Monet."

"It's fine Louis. It's the least I can do, right?"

"You don't owe me anything."

"Oh contraire." When they got back into the car, Monet handed the bags over to Louis where he put them by his feet. "I was never there for you throughout the years. I think I owe you more than just buying seventeen dollars worth of groceries."

Louis bit his bottom lip and looked out the window as she pulled out the car park. "No, you don't owe me anything. You never did anything to me."

"But I stood by while it was happening and in my opinion that's even worse. I hope you'll forgive me for it."

He turned his head to look at Monet with furrowed brows and his head tilted. "What would I need to forgive you for?"

"Not standing up for you until recently. So much could've been different if I would have and I'm sorry for that."

Louis tried his best to suppress his smile as he looked back out the window. "You don't have to apologise. At the end of the day it is what it is."

"You shouldn't be so forgiving, you know."

"I'm not." Louis drummed his fingers on the door handle. "You didn't do anything to me personally so there's nothing to forgive."

"I get that, but I'd feel better if you held me accountable for my actions even if they were never directed towards you in any way."

"You're just like Harry," he laughed. "He always wanted me to hold him accountable for his actions."

"Do the same for me. Please?"

"Fine. I forgive you."

"Thank god. Or else the rest of the car ride would've been awkward." Louis laughed and after that nothing was said. The three minutes that remained in the car ride was spent in silence where the only noise was the low volume of the radio along with Louis humming along to the melodies.

Monet pulled into Louis' drive and parked her car. "Well thank you for the ride and the company too."

"No problem. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here. I know I gave you my number a while back but you've never used it."

"Oh, yeah." Louis unbuckled his seatbelt and grabbed the bags. "I just- I didn't really think you meant it."

"I wouldn't have given you my number if I didn't," Monet laughed with a shake of her head.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm just not used to that, you know?"

"Yeah, well start getting used to it and text me sometime. I'm sure we'd have interesting conversations on what conspiracy theories we believe to be true."

Louis stepped out her car with a laugh. "Yeah, I'll have to see. Bye and thank you."

"No problem. Have a good rest of your night." The door was closed and she watched Louis enter his house before pulling away and driving to her own house on the other side of town. And it wasn't until she made it home where she saw a small stack of cash left on the passenger seat. Eighteen pounds. "Louis Tomlinson," she said with a smile and the shake of her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait and the underwhelming chapter /:


	33. wow, this guy is like a russian doll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 11:01 pm on a friday night and the only thing i've done today was finish writing and then edit this chapter so please, appreciate 😔 all i've had to eat all day were three chicken wings so if this chapter ever gets confusing blame it on me being famished. but this is lowkey one of my fav chapter i've written so... pls don't hate it, thanks.

mood: 1, 2, 3, 4- plain white tees  
  


 

** Monday October 29th, 6:59 am **

Harry was never a morning person. Mornings, to him, were like the devil himself. Who even invented going to school at seven thirty in the god forsaken morning anyway? The brain doesn't even start fully functioning until like ten or something, at least that was what Louis told him before when he liked to ramble on about complete nonsense. He vaguely remembered Louis doing his psychology homework and then ranting about how school hours should be pushed back to ten or eleven because the brain's developmental time doesn't start until around then due to hormones and puberty or whatever. He went on about how that was why teenagers tended to sleep in on weekends— because their circadian rhythm doesn't start until then— and how school districts should move sports in the morning because physical activity helps stimulate the activity of the brain, or something like that.

Nonetheless Harry rolled out of bed and dreaded going to school. He wasn't one of those people who enjoyed attending school like Louis, but he never did mind it. Without Louis, there was really no reason to even think about having a fun day. He decided that today was going to be a relax day so he put on black skinnies with rips at the knee and a plain white t-shirt. Slipping on a pair of raggedy brown boots, he walked downstairs to get something for breakfast before heading out. "Morning mum," Harry greeted walking into the kitchen, giving Millie a hug and kiss on the cheek. She plastered the best smile she could muster up as she cooked breakfast. "Where's dad?" He could see his mum's body visibly tensing from that sentence.

"He never came home last night," Millie whispered trying not to let the tears fall down. Harry didn't respond but huffed and shook his head as he reached for a granola bar and his packed lunch from the fridge to put in his backpack.

"Don't mum." Harry pulled her away from the stove to give her a proper hug. "Don't waste your tears on him." He kissed the top of her head and held her close.

"I know, but I love him." Harry loved his mum to the absolute death. He'd do just about anything for that woman and right now he was trying his best to protect her from falling apart.

"I know." His hand mindlessly rubbed up and down her back. "But you love me more, yeah? And you have to trust me on this."

Millie pulled away and that's when Harry wiped the tears away from her cheeks. "I'll try."

"We can hangout tonight, just you and me." Harry smiled and shook his mum a bit to get her to smile. "I can sleep in your bed just like old times."

That made Millie chuckle as she returned to stirring the eggs so they wouldn't stick to the pan. "Order takeout and watch movies?" She looked up from the pan and gave her son a hopeful smile.

"Whatever you like mummy." Harry grabbed his car keys from the countertop, spinning them around his finger before palming them in his hand.

"You're not walking with Louis?" Just like his mum, Harry was going through some things he didn't really want to talk so he just shook his head and made his way to the door. She turned around to look at her son, the sight saddening due to her red rimmed, glassy eyes. "You guys still haven't talked?" He shook his head again,  _really_  not wanting to talk about it. "Well, I wish you both good luck."

"Thanks, love you mum."

"Love you Harry," was the last thing he heard before the door clicked shut behind him as he walked to his car.

His head drooped low between his shoulders, not sparing the possibility to see Louis and not be able to talk to him. He occupied himself by fumbling with his keys, looking at the few he had. "Driving us to school?" he heard an oh so familiar high pitched voice ask. He didn't want to believe it because he felt like he was being too hopeful but that was undeniably Louis' sweet voice. It could all be in his head but maybe, just maybe, Louis was a quick decision maker.

Butterflies swarmed in his stomach and a smile fought its way to his face. Harry snapped his head up and his smile grew wider. "Louis!" Harry screeched as he pounced his towering body on the small boy, wrapping him in a tight hug.

Louis hugged him back with a laugh, his small body fumbling back against the car. His grip was firm and he let Harry's body completely drown him. When he pulled away, Louis smiled up at him saying, "Hi Harry."

"What're you doing here?" He bit down on his lip to stop his smile from stretching to his ears. Shock and amazement filled Harry but most of all happiness. Louis was there, not too far away from him with a smile. Louis was within arms reach and he could  _hug_  him.

"I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable," Louis smiled and it was the biggest and brightest smile he'd ever given. Right when the last word escaped Louis' mouth, Harry tackled him in another breath hitching hug.

"God you're so amazing," Harry sighed into Louis' hair, using his big hand to grip the back of his head to fit into his shoulder. It seemed quite impossible but everything felt warm and comfortable despite the pinching breeze that blew through the late October air. "How are you?" Harry pulled arms length away so the he could keep his hold on Louis' arms, his huge grin never faltering.

"I'm better." Louis licked his lips to draw his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Seeing you always makes me feel better." As if it was even possible, Harry's smile grew and his hands slipped down to Louis' hands to hold. "How're you Curly?"

"I'm so happy kitten." Harry continued to stare at Louis in complete awe. It was nothing really, but this was a huge step for Louis, and Harry couldn't be any prouder of him. The decision came much sooner than he anticipated but he definitely was not going to complain. "I missed you." The words fell out and though they were the truth, he didn't want to scare Louis away again from his clinginess.

He didn't expect for Louis to smile and for his eyes to soften at the remark. "I missed you too," he said softly.

"You did?"

Louis nodded as if the answer was obvious. "Of course. What's the point of a best friend if you can't talk to them?"

"Best friend?" Those words sounded incredible falling off Louis' tongue. That was the first time he ever said them and even though the circumstances could've been better, Harry wouldn't want it any other way.

"Why're you so shocked? Isn't that- are we not on those terms yet?"

"No, no. No. We can be, if you want. I mean, I consider you my best friend but you- I'm your best friend?"

"You're my only friend Harry," Louis laughed, not really caring that he literally only had one friend.

"Then that means I'm your only best friend and I'm incredibly flattered monsieur."

"I'm not your only best friend." He pouted like a child and it made Harry laugh because technically they just became again and he was already pouting on where they stood.

"No, but you're number one, I promise." He stuck his pinky out, waiting for Louis to intertwine his. When he did they both leaned in to kiss their respective hand with a smile. "C'mon." He dragged Louis to the passenger side with their pinkies still intertwined. He opened the door for Louis and guided him to sit down. He raced over to the driver's side and once he got in, he sat there looking at Louis with the smile of the biggest idiot on planet earth.

After a few seconds of no movement, Louis looked over to see Harry gawking at him. "Stop looking at me like that." His face flushed red and he thumped Harry's forehead to get him to snap out of the daze he was in.

"Skip school with me," Harry blurted out, not really thinking about the repercussions that sentence would bring him.

"What?"

"Well, I think I just asked you to skip school with me?" He scratched the curls behind his ear in embarrassment because he knew Louis was going to say no and he honestly didn't know why he asked that question.

"I can't. I have things to turn in and I'm going to be missing the lessons."

"C'mon Lou, you and I both know you're ahead of homework. One day won't kill."

"Harry I-" he stopped his sentence short not being able to find another excuse. Yes, he wanted to go to school and turn his stuff in and listen to the things he read ahead in the books and have the teachers further elaborate the topics so he had a better understanding, but skipping school with Harry did sound quite intriguing. "My mum wouldn't let me."

"You don't have to tell her. I'll have you home before she gets there. Just say you felt sick and walked back home."

"Harry."

"Louis."

Louis rolled his eyes and squinted at Harry for a bit. There were pros and cons to skipping school with Harry and if he had the time he'd definitely make a list and it'd probably look something like:

_Pros:_  
_1\. Catch up with Harry_  
_2\. Have fun_  
_3\. Possible relaxation_

_Cons:_  
_1\. Missing lessons_  
_2\. Can't turn in homework_  
_3\. DUMB JOKES_

The lists were even but the things on the cons seemed more reasonable and that was what should've turned Louis away from the idea of skipping school, especially because he hated missing lessons but he couldn't lie that skipping school with Harry was highly riveting. "Fine." He sat back in the seat looking forward, crossing his arms over his chest with a huff. Harry didn't respond and only smiled, bringing his car to life. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." Harry smiled as he backed out of the drive and pulled off.

The drive wouldn't be too long, just over thirty minutes for where Harry was planning on going and he hoped that Louis wouldn't get too anxious from being in the car for too long. The beginning of the ride, about the first ten minutes, were spent in silence until Chiquitita started playing. "Seriously?" Louis scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"What? You don't like ABBA?" Louis' disinterest in the song made Harry turn the radio up. " _Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong,_ " Harry started to sing. " _You're enchained by your own sorrow._ "

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were a fan."

"Oh, c'mon. Sing with me, I know you know the words."

"Not everyone listens to ABBA, Harry," Louis rolled his eyes and looked out this window.

"Oh but I know you do greased lightning. C'mon, sing with me." Harry prodded his finger into Louis' side to gain his attention again. " _Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on._ " Harry belted the lyrics at the top of his lungs, his voice cracking a bit when the first note went higher. Louis laughed at his singing and he watched with a fond smile. "Come on, Lou, sing."

Louis rolled his eyes and bit down on his bottom lip. " _Chiquitita, you and I know._ " Louis belted when the chorus began, singing the higher harmony to harmonise with Harry.

"I knew it!" Harry exclaimed, slapping his hand on the steering wheel in excitement making Louis giggle.

They continued to sing with each other in perfect harmony. " _How the heartaches come and they go and the scars they're leaving._ " Harry outstretched his arm to completely intrude Louis' personal space. " _You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end. You will have no time for grieving._ " Harry continued to dance and by the third line Louis started to loosen up and begin to bob his head along to the music. They finished off the first chorus with a strong, yet soft, " _Sing a new song, Chiquitita._ "

As the second verse came in, Harry turned down the volume dial and made multiple glances towards Louis with a fond smile. "Not everyone listens to ABBA," Harry mocked.

"Shut up." His cheeks tinted that familiar red colour.

"You've got a beautiful voice Lou."

"I'd hope so. I didn't take all those lessons for nothing."

"Someone's gaining confidence. The last time I complimented your voice you told me you weren't that good."

"Well that was before I heard yours. Compared to you, I'm great."

"Hey!" Harry whined, taking complete offence to Louis' words.

"I'm joking. You actually have a nice singing voice, honest."

"Thank you monsieur."

The pair finished off the song with a very delicate, " _Chiquitita_ ," and as the song came to a close, Harry was dancing crazily to the music while in the passenger's seat resided laughs, giggles, and fond looks towards the curly haired boy. It was a very fun time before the sudden booming sound of a dirty, grungy bass followed by mystical synths berated Louis' ear drums.

"Jesus Christ Harry," Louis gasped, gripping the fabric of his shirt.

"Don't like Bon Jovi I take it?"

"Don't mind him all that much but that startled me. I wasn't expecting to go from lighthearted  _Chiquitita_  to rock n roll  _It's My Life_."

When Harry slowed to a red traffic light, he picked up his phone with a grin and paused the music. "I know a song you'd enjoy." He typed in a few letters before turning up the radio and pressing the song to play.

Louis knew that open punched drums anywhere. "Thank god you played Kenny Loggins instead of Blake Shelton," Louis spoke loudly over the song and didn't hesitate to sing when the first verse came in. " _Been working so hard. I'm punching my card._ " As he sang, he subconsciously danced along to the song— the dance he learned a few years ago from his theatre classmates. The entire song went that way: Louis singing without a care in the world or even acknowledging Harry and his fondly stares.

"I think we can both agree that I made the right decision on picking that song to play," Harry commented when the song was over. He turned down the radio so he was able to speak at a normal volume.

"And why's that?" Louis asked out of breath.

"Because not only do I just  _love_  your singing, your dancing was lovely as well."

Louis blushed, now realising that he danced while not being aware of it. "I did that?"

Harry laughed and spared him a glance. "Yes, Lou. Why else would you be out of breath?"

Louis didn't make any further comments and let whatever song would play from Harry's phone flood into the car's threshold and allow himself to fully succumb into the music and the beautiful sounds slipping from Harry's lips. It wasn't long after that Harry was pulling off the main road and into a not so very popular gravel road. They've just arrived to their destination and Louis couldn't be anymore confused— there was literally nothing around. Harry parked the car in a secluded dirt area a while away from the main road.

"The forest," he paused, "again?" All Harry did was smile and got out the car to open the door for Louis. As the door opened, Harry curtsied and outstretched a hand as Louis got out. "I swear you're going to kill me one of these days. Why do you keep bringing me to the forest?"

"So you can't find your way out," Harry said placing his hand on the middle of Louis' back to guide him into the trees. "I'm joking Lou, I'd never kill my favourite person. Now c'mon." Louis spaced out for a second after Harry spoke. It shouldn't come as a shock anymore. On multiple accounts Harry had mentioned how much he adored Louis but it was still hard for him to grasp that there was someone out there who loved him and was on his side. But he was soon snapped out of it when he was tugged forward.

Harry led the two of them through trees and brushes because every place he discovered apparently could never be found taking deer paths. But Louis thought Harry just didn't know what deer paths to take to get there and claimed he only found his way there because he was lost. "This beats, Harry. I'd rather be at school being productive," Louis huffed after being stabbed in the leg with a branch.

"Stop your whining, we've just started," Harry retaliated. They continued to walk some more before they had to climb over a few fallen trees. Harry climbed over them first with ease before helping Louis over. "Careful right here Lou." He stepped over the cluster of fallen trunks and signalled for Louis to wait back until he crossed so he could help him. He turned around and stuck both hands out for Louis to take, and he did. "Put your foot right here," Harry instructed so Louis wouldn't fall. He held onto Louis' hands tight and pulled softly to further guide him. "No no, not there." And then Louis' foot slipped into one of the spaces between the trunks and he came tumbling down onto the ground but at least he finally made it over. "Oh my god. Are you okay?" Harry instantly cradled him, standing him up.

"'m fine," Louis grogged wiping the dirt off his pants as Harry wiped off his shirt.

"You sure?" Louis nodded giving Harry a small smile. "Okay sunshine. We're almost there if you want to keep going." Louis nodded again because he didn't have a tumble only to go back to the car. They were going to finish the journey. Harry continued to guide them through the forest, never letting go of Louis' hand because he didn't want him to drift too far away and for him to potentially get lost or fall again. With his hand in his he could ensure that Louis would never get lost and he could pull him up before he could even hit the ground. Metaphorical or not, it was his reasoning.

They walked for fifteen minutes and they still haven't arrived to their destination and it was honestly starting to worry Louis. He abruptly stopped in his place, ultimately pulling Harry back. "Harry, you're not actually going to kill me, are you?" Of course he didn't actually think Harry was going to kill him, but where were they going? They were literally lost in the middle of the forest with no one around to witness a death.

"Louis, relax. It'll only hurt while you're alive," Harry responded in the most serious tone he could muster up and that sent actual worry through Louis' body. "'m joking, kitten. Relax. We're right around the corner, I promise. It'll be worth it."

The walk was about two more minutes until they finally emerged into an opened area. "Woah," was all Louis said as he stepped into the cleared out area. The warm sun was beating down on them through the thick trees with a contrasting chilling breeze but it was nothing too cold. There was a river with a stone pathway surrounding it and a small waterfall flowing down into the river. The water was a clear baby blue that reflected the sun's rays beautifully. A mixture of pebbles to rocks to stones lined the shoreline in a variety of beautiful colours.

"Do you like it?" Harry asked interrupting the wonderful moment Louis was having with Mother Nature. He gave his hand a light squeeze and a small smile.

"How do you find these places?" Louis asked in pure astonishment as he darted his eyes all over the beauty of nature before him.

"I told you, I like to explore."

"Yeah but-" he drifted off and walked closer to the water, letting go to leave Harry behind, their hands lingering. He picked up a red rock from the ground and turned to face back to Harry. "I've lived here for most of my life and I've never knew about this place."

Harry stepped close enough to grab the red rock that Louis was playing with from his fingers. "Yeah, well you don't like the outdoors and I do." He threw the rock into the water, skipping it a few times before it sunk down into the water.

"Woah, teach me how to do that!" Louis exclaimed in excitement.

"To do what?" Harry questioned because all he did was throw a rock.

"To skip rocks. That was cool."

"You've never learned to skip rocks?" Louis shook his head with flushed cheeks. He was slightly embarrassed that he didn't know how to do normal kid things like skip rocks or jump rope but then again he didn't have a normal childhood. While his friends were playing hopscotch during recess, he was having a chat with the school's counsellor. There shouldn't have to be a school counsellor in primary school. "What kind of childhood did you have?"

Louis' body noticeably tensed from the memories. He didn't want to make it a big deal, but when it was brought up abruptly like that, there was no way he could stop from caving in on himself. Yet, he tried not to let it get the better of him so he tried to make a joke of it. "Not a good one I guess." He flashed a fake smile followed by a laugh.

But Harry knew better. He saw the tensing and confliction in Louis. "Alright?"

"Yeah, 'm fine."

"You don't have to talk about it, but let me know if I ever cross any boundaries."

"You're fine, Harry. Now teach me how to skip rocks."

Harry examined Louis for a few seconds, wanting to make sure he was really okay and not just pushing it to the side for his own sake. "Okay, so first you need to find a flat rock."

"Why does it have to be flat?" Louis asked while he was already searching for a flat rock.

"I don't know, aerodynamics and surface area or something like that," Harry murmured looking for a rock as well. He was completely talking out of his arse, but it sounded like it made sense.

"That was the smartest thing I've heard come out your mouth even if you weren't sure of the answer." Harry gave him a mock hurt face but soon recovered when Louis laughed it off.

"Not an unconventional smart thing?"

He laughed again, shaking his head. "No." Harry fist pumped the air as if he just gained a victory. "Hey, is this a good one?" Louis held up a medium-sized, beige rock to show Harry. The rock wasn't flat by any means, but it was definitely close to it.

"Perfect, let me find one." He searched the ground beneath him and quickly found a brownish red rock for himself and walked over to Louis. "Now, the rock doesn't necessarily have to be flat but it works best. Surface area, remember?" Louis giggled shaking his head. "The rock is just an accessory to the craft. The real art is what you do with your wrist and the release." Louis was already getting lost but he tried his best to pay attention. "So you know how a sinker is thrown?"

Louis' face dropped into a blank expression, looking dumbfounded from what Harry just said. "A what?" Okay so maybe he was never going to understand.

"A sinker. Sinking fastball? In baseball?" Louis shook his head with the most stupefied expression on his face. "Oh god, of course. Okay so a sinker, or sinking fastball, is the best type of pitch for a pitcher who throws sidearm." The look on Louis' face was still so muddled. Harry saw the blank expression and laughed because Louis was completely hopeless with sports he presumed. "What I meant by that is that you have to throw sidearm— it'll give you the best results. So basically you start with your arm bent in an 'L' like this." He showed him the starting position to which Louis copied. "Then when you bring your arm back, you lift your wrist up and once it's facing the sky like this," he slowly brought his arm back and lifted his wrist with Louis carefully following right behind with furrowed eyebrows. "You're going to circle your arm out and around and then across your body." They both did the motion slowly. "And once your elbow is in your side that's about the time you want to throw the rock. But when you throw it, you want to snap your wrist to get that rotation. And it all depends on the angle the rock is being thrown for the number of skips you get."

Louis couldn't argue that his demonstration and explanation was quite thorough, the only problem was that he still had no clue what Harry was trying to say. Even after the slow walkthrough and explanation, Louis was still helplessly confused. "What?"

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "Start with your arm in an L shape, yeah?" Louis nodded and copied Harry's movements. "When you pull back, your arm stays in the L shape where your elbows guides your arm back." He slowly pulled his arm back and watched how Louis did it. "Yeah, like that. Now once your arm gets about forty five degrees past your shoulder, you raise your hand to the sky." Starting from the beginning, Harry started to demonstrate the full motion. "No, like this." He stepped behind Louis and used his hands to pull then raise his arm up. "Do it on your own now." His movements were hesitant, but he followed through the motions, watching his arm instead of Harry's reaction. "Good. Now just like when you brought it back, your elbow is going to lead your arm to the front."

"Like this?" Louis asked as he brought his elbow forward.

Harry laughed because although he was technically doing it right, his hand was still raised to the sky. "Babes, you've got to drop your hand," he said through laughs. He grabbed Louis' elbow and wrist to show him how it was done.

"Oh." His cheeks flushed bright red as he sank into himself.

"You're doing great Lou, don't shy away." Harry went through the motions to see where he left off. "As you bring you your elbow forward, you want to tuck it into your side. Yes, good job. Once you get it tucked in, snap your wrist and follow through the motions." Now that Louis had a better grasp on what to do, he slowly went through motions with furrowed brows, critiquing himself along the way. "Put it all together, it should look something like this." Harry did all of the steps he showed and snapped his wrist causing the rock to skip four times. Louis' jaw dropped and his eyebrows furrowed even harder.

"What?" Nothing made sense anymore, he forgot all the steps and techniques.

"Try it." Louis sighed trying to remember all of the steps he just learned and doing what was his best attempt at mimicking what Harry did but all his rock did was bloop into the water and sink to the bottom.

He pouted watching it disappear into the water as Harry tried his best to hold back a laugh. He coughed to clear his throat and grabbed Louis another rock. It wasn't funny, it really wasn't. However, was it amusing to witness how clueless Louis was to the slightest bit of physical activity? Yes. While going through the motions at full speed, Louis' arm looked like a cooked noodle: no structure and very uncoordinated. Not to mention the plopping noise the rock made when it hit the surface of the water before sinking to the bottom.

"Don't laugh," Louis pouted, crossing arms over his chest.

"I'm not. C'mon, let me help you." He stood behind Louis, placing the rock in between his fingers. One of Harry's hands helped guide his arm to do the right things as Harry explained what to do, but Louis' focus was trained on the hand that rested so tenderly on his hip. The butterflies swarmed back, accompanying a racing heart. Not to mention how Harry made sure their bodies weren't touching so Louis wouldn't have a panic. "Okay? So just release when I tell you to." Not hearing anything he's said, Louis just nodded his head and went through the motions. Once again, Harry guided Louis' arm but at full speed that time and as he brought their elbows in he whispered, "snap," into Louis ear and he snapped his wrist and whipped the rock across the water and it skipping twice before sinking down.

"That came from me?" Louis asked in shock that he actually did that even if Harry was there for help.

"It did," Harry smiled into Louis' hair, still respecting his space but couldn't resist the urge to kiss the area behind Louis' ear. "Wanna try it on your own now?" Harry backed away when Louis nodded and searched for another flat rock.

He did what felt like the same thing Harry did but when he threw it, the rock plunked to the ground again. "What the hell?" Louis pouted in frustration, crossing his arms and stomping his right foot.

Harry laughed walking over to Louis. "Was that a curse word I just heard?"

"Hell isn't a swear word Curly." Louis thumped Harry's forehead before dropping onto the ground huffing and puffing in disappointment.

"Don't give up Lou. Watch me again and then try." Harry grabbed a rock and looked at Louis to make sure he was watching and he was but with an angry pout that Harry only found crazy adorable. He intensely watched Harry as he threw the rock across the water skipping it an impressive five times.

Louis sat up raising his eyebrows to have a closer look. "Do that again."

"What?"

"Skip it again." Harry didn't fight against it but he was confused by Louis' eagerness and the way he scurried closer to watch from the side. "What are you waiting for? Throw the rock."

"Okay, sheesh." Harry put his hands up in defense before throwing the rock and skipping it an even more impressive six times. As Harry went through the motions Louis intensely stared at his arm, hand, the release, and the impact of the rock on the water like it was in slow motion.

"Twenty degrees?" Louis asked himself as he looked for a rock.

"What?" He turned around to see Louis busying himself looking for a rock.

"The impact of the rock on the water shouldn't be more than twenty degrees."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm smart Harry." Louis rolled his eyes and popped out his hip, and, yes, Harry loved this side of Louis so much.

"How'd you come up with that answer mister smarty pants?"

"It's simple maths." Louis went on to continue but Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Simple maths," he mocked.

"Shut up and listen. If this is the water." Louis laid his hand flat in the air. "And this is the rock." He placed the rock near the water. "This is about twenty degrees. If the rock were to surpass that, the angle of impact would just make it sink, right? So that means the closer the angle is to zero, the more skips you'll get."

It was Harry's turn to be completely and utterly confused. "Excuse me, what?" His eyes were boggling in his head and he felt his brain rattle from all the information that was just said.

"Simple maths Harry."

Harry rolled his eyes and widened them, raising his brows. "Of course. Simple maths."

"So if it has to be twenty degrees or less, that means the release point would have to be-" he drifted off as he slowly moved his arm in a circle trying to find a release point that he suspected would create the best angle. "But I also have to take the wrist snap into consideration so that means-" he drifted off again starting his maths all over again.

All the while Harry stared at him confused and completely lost as to what was happening inside that boy's brain. "You're such a nerd," he said with a smile as he walked closer to Louis who only walked away just so there wasn't a chance for him to lose his place. He waved Harry off so he wouldn't interrupt his maths.

When he got everything figured out, Louis squared himself off and threw the rock, skipping it eight times from what he could see at least. "Oh my god," Louis gasped in shock. "Oh my god. I did it! Harry I did it!" Louis said in glee, skipping to Harry and jumping on him in an excited hug.

"You did Lou," Harry laughed hugging him back and lifting his small body off the ground to spin him around. And maybe he was proud of Louis for being able to skip a rock even if he used maths, so what? "Proud of you even if you ruined it by using maths." He set the boy down and held both of his hands so he couldn't get too far.

"Well your explanation was no help," Louis sassed, holding tightly onto Harry's hands so he could lean back to swing himself from side to side, dropping his head. The action made him look much younger than he was and to Harry it was incredibly endearing. Instead of responding, he thought it'd be best to just witness Louis being joyful than to ruin it by his words.

 

** 12:52 pm **

The two boys had been in the forest for a few hours and occupied their time doing many different things. After the rock skipping extravaganza, they walked out of the cleared area and a little further into the forest, walking around the waterline. As they discovered the area together, the two boys chatted about random things from the meaning of different songs to if the lake was man-made or not. Once they got back to the clearing, they continued their talk and explored more of that area that may have involved Harry throwing playful insults at Louis and Louis not so gracefully tackling Harry to the ground. After that they explored even more and walked along the shoreline with Louis taking steps on the big stones lining the water and land with Harry holding his hand to make sure he doesn't accidentally fall in.

They sang songs together, their voices mixing and harmonising beautifully— well, until Harry would be the slightest bit off and Louis would scrutinise him for it (nicely of course). It was all cute and sweet until Louis slipped on the wet stones, falling into the water and getting his pants wet from his knees down and ripping a hole in his knee. And thank god Harry was there to steady him or else he'd be soaked from head to toe. When blood started trickling down, they made their way back to the cleared out area. Despite Louis' persistence of him saying he was fine and that it was only a little bit of blood, Harry insisted on going back to his car and getting his backpack because he always carried a spare shirt for strength training and that was somehow supposed to help Louis in whatever way it made sense in Harry's brain. He left Louis alone for nearly an hour since it took about twenty minutes each way but made it back as quick as he could.

"What's the time?" Harry asked as he emerged from the trees with his backpack in hand.

"Thirty seven minutes and twenty one, two, three seconds," Louis called back. As motivation to get back as quick as possible, Harry had Louis time him and if he made it back under thirty five minutes, Louis would have to do any one thing Harry asked and if he didn't vice versa.

"Dang it." He slumped his way to Louis and dropped himself to the ground.

"You were close though, only two minutes over."

"That's one hundred and twenty seconds too long." Harry pulled Louis' leg towards him and grabbed the t-shirt from his bag to make a tourniquet out of it.

"'m fine, Harry," Louis giggled. "Really, all of this is unnecessary." Harry flashed a look of hurt since he travelled so far to go such great lengths for him. "But appreciated." Harry smiled and tied the shirt around Louis' skinny knee tightly.

"My shirt could wrap around your knee like ten times and there'd still be fabric hanging down." He said it coming off as a joke but it disguised his uneasiness and concern. All Louis did was laugh it off like nothing was wrong. The thing was, Louis was really skinny, like  _really_  skinny, and it truly worried Harry because it was like every time he saw Louis, he got skinnier and skinnier. His cheekbones would be more prominent and his hands would look bonier. Harry never said anything about it because it really wasn't his place and he didn't want Louis to close himself off or get offended. However, if it would continue to be a problem, he will feel obligated to say something. "You hungry? I've got a lunch and I didn't bring your backpack so we can share." Hopefully that wasn't an obvious plea for Louis to have something in his stomach but it was too late to care.

Louis shifted on the rock he sat on, growing uncomfortable from talking about food. "It's okay, if you're hungry you can eat." He curled himself into a ball, resting his chin on his knees and rocked back and forth the slightest bit as he looked up at Harry through his eyelashes.

"I'm fine with sharing." Harry smiled as he grabbed the paper bag from his backpack.

Instead of fighting against it, Louis decided to play it cool then reject. "What do you have?"

"Um, a sandwich, celery, crisps and a bottle of water." Harry pulled the sandwich, holding it out in front of him towards Louis.

Louis hid his mouth behind his knees and shook his head. "No sandwich." Harry nodded his head, remembering the time he made Louis a bunch of food and him not liking any aspect of bread.

"Okay, then what would you like your highness?" Harry smiled and tried to bow down as best he could from his sitting position.

"Celery please." Without hesitation Harry gave him the small bag with about seven small sticks of celery. "Thank you." Louis grabbed it, opened the bag and began to nibble on a stick.

"So my Louis, what do you want to talk about?" He took a bite out of his sandwich and rested his elbows on his bent knees. Louis only shrugged keeping his eyes trained on the gravel surrounding him. "How's your knee?"

Louis shrugged again, turning his head to gaze out towards the water. "'s fine."

"You okay? You're being short with me." Harry scooted close enough to gently rub his knuckles on Louis' leg.

"Yeah, I'm okay, just admiring the view." He crunched onto a stick of celery.

"Yeah, me too," Harry said smiling up at Louis. Minutes of silence pass and the only sound coming from the boys is the sound of Louis crunching on celery every now and then. They both stared out at the water watching the way it fell from the waterfall and rushed downstream, occasional splashes of water onto the rocks either from the waterfall or the gushing pressure of the water. "Lou?" Harry asked breaking the silence.

"Hm?" Louis hummed not breaking his eyes from the scene before him.

"Can we talk about something?" Emotion flooded his tone and he tapped his foot anxiously against the gravel.

"What about?" Louis questioned finally facing Harry and seeing him looking to his feet.

"Us."

"What do you mean us?" Harry finally met gaze with Louis, keeping a straight face. Louis' heart began to race from the word  _us_. Obviously it was nothing like what went through his mind, but it was nice to think about.

"Are we going to pretend nothing happened the other day?" Harry's face remained unreadable.

"Aren't we?

"I don't."

"Well I do."

"What happened to making yourself vulnerable?"

"Yeah, but, Harry, you have to understand-"

"I don't care. Well, I do care, but we're going to talk about this no matter what because it's been bugging me all this time."

"What's left to talk about?"

"So much."

"Like?" Harry stayed silent for a few moments with a blank expression as Louis stared at him expectantly.

Unexpectedly, Harry reached into his backpack and pulled out the envelope labeled  _Curly_. He took out the letter, unfolding it and scanning it over. Louis' entirety softened at the sight of the envelope. Harry didn't know Louis was going to show up this morning and yet he carried the letter with him. "Why do you have that?"

"Because Louis Tomlinson, I'm an absolute sucker for you and I didn't think I could survive the day without you so I brought a piece of you with me."

Louis scrunched his nose with pink tinted cheeks and tried not to laugh. He didn't think it was ridiculous, he just didn't know how to react to someone missing him. His hand reached forward to hold Harry's and he squeezed it for encouragement. "Ask away then."

Harry smiled from the affection and scanned the letter for what he wanted to talk about first. Once finding it, he cleared his throat before reciting, "' _I know her time is limited and I really do want you to meet her but I don't know, that just seems like a lot right now, like a commitment I'm not ready for.'_  Explain that to me. What's the commitment you're not ready for?" No response came from the small boy. Instead he tossed around a few pebbles across the others to prolong his time before having to answer. "Louis?" Still no response. "Let me in sunshine. Be vulnerable."

God did Harry never give up. It warmed Louis' heart but at the same time it annoyed him because he's so used to being on his own and keeping everything pent up. He didn't mind it at all, keeping everything pent up that is. It did leave a heavy feeling in his chest and he knew it would feel better to let everything out, but the only problem with that is having to talk it through with the person who he was having a problem with and he hated to be a burden. Nonetheless, he sighed and began to talk because he knew Harry was persistent and would keep bothering him until he got an answer. "The moment I introduce you to my family who aren't my parents is the moment when I know I can't runaway anymore. The more people that know about you, the harder it'll be to drift away."

"You still want to run from me?" His tone of voice was purely hurt. After all they went through and recovery they made, Louis still wanted to keep his distance?

"I don't know. No?" Louis had since retracted his hand from Harry's wanting to have some distance between the two of them.

"You don't sound sure of that."

"Because I'm not. My heart tells me no but my brain tells me that I have to."

"Why?"

Louis shrugged grabbing a black pebble and rolled it between his fingers. "Because my brain doesn't want me to be happy but my heart does." The heart acted out of emotion but the brain thought logically.

"I want you to be happy," Harry said softly.

"I know." His fingers played with rocks, picking them up and tossing them. "It's not you, Harry," Louis felt compelled to say. He could sense that what he said upset Harry especially after all of his attempts to keep the two of them close. "I enjoy your company, I do, and I'm glad we're friends. It's just the inner turmoil I have with myself. I didn't say that out of beliefs, it was out of habit, really."

Harry nodded and bit his inner cheek. "I get it. I just- I've never had to fight so hard for a friendship before and ironically it's the one I want the most."

He was still upset, Louis could tell. He was afraid Louis was going to leave him again and he didn't blame him. "I'll try, yeah? Listen to my heart instead of my head."

Louis' willingness to try made Harry smile and nod. His eyes returned to the letter and scanned for the next thing he wanted to talk about, smiling as he passed the part where Louis expressed how he felt about Harry and how he was grateful for him. " _'I honestly don't know why I let you do that. You think I'm a terrible person, don't you? I wouldn't blame you if you thought I was trying to turn you gay. I wasn't by the way, but I can see why you'd think that._ " Louis shifted uncomfortably from that portion of the letter. Harry stayed quiet for Louis' reply but when he never spoke up he began again. "Why would you think that?" He still didn't say anything. He put the bag of the remaining celery down onto the ground to hold himself as he watched the water crash against the stones. "Talk to me Lou."

Louis shook his foot still not looking at Harry. He sighed and softly said, "it's happened before."

"You've kissed a boy and they thought you were trying to turn him gay?"

Louis pressed his lips together and shook his head, momentarily resting his forehead on his knees to take a few breaths before lifting it again to talk. "Someone just thought I was trying to turn them gay. That's mainly why I don't have friends anymore." Anger filled Harry as the words left Louis' lips. The way he spoke those words in a broken and empty tone truly hurt and angered Harry because no matter how hard Louis tried to mask it, Harry could tell it still had an effect on him.

"Who?" Harry snapped.

"Doesn't matter anymore."

"Yes it does Lou. Who was it? Was it Zayn?" He briefly remembered how Monet told him that Louis and Zayn used to be best friends when they were younger but it was obvious that they aren't now and when Louis told him about the outburst that ended his and Zayn's friendship. Could that possibly be the reason why?

"It doesn't matter Harry." He turned to look at Harry with sadness in his eyes, contradicting what he just said. "It's in the past, I've moved on and accepted it."

"Was it Zayn?"

"Drop it."

"Why won't you answer me?"

"Because I want you to drop it."

Harry huffed and dropped the topic, not wanting to push Louis any further than he already was. He continued to scan the paper looking for something else to ask. "You know I don't care that you're gay right?" He looked up from the paper as Louis turned his head to look back at him. "Like I think it's awesome that you're gay and it'd never bother me." Louis only nodded his head and turned away again. "' _From the start I never felt worthy of your friendship and I know I don't say it often but I care about you too much to be holding you back when you could achieve so much more. You're too good for me and I wouldn't want to taint something so joyful.'_ "

"I'm a burden and I don't want to ruin your last year because of a friendship we have."

"You're not a burden though." Louis rolled his eyes and looked back to the water because that was the most ridiculous thing to fall out of Harry's lips. "You're not. If you were, I'd be long gone. Whatever it is you've gone through and still are going through doesn't bother me. The only time it does is when you let it get the better of you." Louis wasn't a burden and Harry never thought he was so he couldn't grasp why Louis insisted that it was true. "I don't want you to ruin your last year of schooling because of a friendship we don't have." Louis smiled softly behind his knees, hidden from anyone to see.

"Whatever."

"Oh this is a long one. ' _You're wonderful and you deserve to be celebrated and not constantly be put down by such a burden like me. I'm a loser anyway so at least it won't be hard to forget about me, ha. God, I don't know why I ever thought we could actually be friends. I know you said that everything between us was real and whatever, but why did I think that I was worthy enough for your friendship? Am I really that foolish? Am I that foolish to think that I could be friends with the new cool guy that lives across the street from me? Foolish and too hopeful.'_ "

"You're the new cool guy with the cool hair and pretty face." Harry smiled at the compliments because compliments from Louis came slim to none. "And I'm just the loser who lives across the street with no friends. Even on your first day of school you made a bunch of friends."

"You're not a loser Louis. Seriously. I'm not saying that to strike your fancy, I'm serious. You're the most intricate, peculiar, yet interesting person I've ever met and never in my mind did I think ' _wow, this guy is such a loser._ ' Everyday I'm like, ' _wow, this guy is like a Russian doll._ '"

"What?" Louis laughed for the first time in ten minutes and it was like the sweetest music known to man.

"Because once you think you're on the last doll, there's another one hidden inside of it and you go, ' _could there possibly be anymore?_ ' but you keep going until the end because you want to see the last one." Louis decided not to make a comment because, really, what was there to say? He simply smiled, facing Harry again and rested the side of his cheek on his knee. In return, Harry smiled and reached out to push Louis' fringe out his eyes. His eyes closed and he allowed Harry to clear his view for him before opening them again when Harry went back to the paper in his hands. "' _Don't get me wrong, I thought you were an outstanding friend, that wasn't the problem. I just think I'm a little too much to deserve a friend like you._ '"

Louis shrugged because he thought it was pretty self explanatory. "I'm a lot to handle."

"Nothing I can't handle, though. I quite enjoy it. You're not like those other kids. You have your problems but so does everyone else, and you handle yours so well. But the only thing I don't like is that you bury them all inside instead of letting it out. Releasing pent up thoughts feels really good."

"Maybe," was the only thing Louis said looking down to Harry's shoes.

Harry smiled reading the last portion of the letter because it was when Louis complimented him. "Thank you for all the compliments." He smiled, nudging his knuckle into Louis' thigh causing his face to flush a deep red. "' _Thank you for being my friend for the time being and making me feel that maybe I could be worth something. But I'm not, and that's okay, really. It's nothing I'm not used to anyway._ '"

"Do I have to explain that?" Louis' innocent eyes boring into Harry's.

"No, you don't have to do anything. I brought it up because I wanted you to know that you're worth so much more than what you think you do. You may not be used to feeling of being worth something but I swear to you you're worth the world and more."

"Thank you," Louis said against his knee as Harry watched Louis play with the small pebbles.

"I have this really strong urge to hug you but I won't unless you let me." Louis, again, said nothing and continued to move around the pebbles. "Can I?" He nodded, keeping his position on the gravel. Harry smiled and scooted closer to his friend. "I'm gonna sneak around back here, okay?" Louis nodded again as Harry made his way behind Louis. "I'm going to put my arms here." Louis nodded as Harry wrapped his arms around the middle of Louis' small torso and his legs on either side. He made sure their bodies weren't completely pressed against one another. "Can I stay here for a bit?" Harry asked resting his head on Louis' back and Louis nodded yet again.

They stayed in that same place for what seemed like forever. Five minutes passed and Harry was still cuddled behind Louis, their breathing oddly having synchronised and their bodies warm. Everything was nice. For Harry it felt nice to finally hold someone like he used to when he was in a relationship. Don't think this hug was only for Louis' sake, Harry missed the feeling of having someone to hold and to feel that warmth all over his body. And even though Louis didn't say anything, he loved to be held, especially by those long arms that engulfed his entire being.

"Harry?" Louis asked breaking the silence.

"Yeah Lou?" Harry's voice vibrated against Louis' spine causing a small tickle to run up to his neck.

"Can we talk about your letter?" The whole time that was all Louis could think about. There were a few unanswered questions he had about the letter and since Harry had his fix, it was time for Louis'.

"What do you want to know kitten?" Harry lightly tugged on Louis' torso signalling him to lean back into Harry's chest and without thinking, he did. The action surprised the both of them but neither was going to complain. Harry rested his chin on his shoulder and Louis leaned his head back against the shoulder opposite of the side Harry was on.

Louis stayed quiet for a bit, trying to think of what he wanted to ask first. "You said something about not letting myself be happy?" Harry hummed pulling Louis closer. It was a bold and risky move but he figured it was okay when Louis shifted his bum to rest comfortably. "What do you mean?"

"Whenever there's the slightest chance of happiness in your life you always push it away before it could settle in. It's like you're scared of being happy." Harry grabbed hold of Louis' hands only to cross them like how he had it before.

"Because I am scared of happiness."

"Why?"

Louis sighed, wanting to leave Harry's embrace because he felt like he needed space to talk but he loved how he felt. "Because I'm scared if happiness does make a way back into my life that I'd crash down even harder when it leaves."

"Who said it was going to leave?"

"Who said it's going to stay?"

"I'm staying," Harry whispered so softly that chills shivered through Louis' body.

"Nothing good ever stays," Louis whispered back, dropping his head to play with Harry's fingers.

"How many times have I come back for you no matter how much you push me away?"

"' _There's something about us that I will never ever have with them,_ '" Louis recited verbatim. That was a sentence he read over and over and he'd be shocked if he didn't memorise it.

"What?" Harry questioned, confused on what he said. He was expecting Louis to answer his question and not continue on with his own questions about the letter.

"You said that in the letter after talking about Monet and Zayn." Saying his name felt gross and left a nasty taste in his mouth.

"I mean look at us right now. No one else would be willing to cuddle with me," Harry laughed with Louis following behind. "Well, Niall maybe would, but you're cuter and nicer to hold." Louis blushed from the compliments and instinctively rubbed his face in Harry's shoulder. "And everything with you is just so easy. I feel like I can be my true self around you, like I don't have to put on a show and I like that. And I've always felt this need to talk to you or to hold you or to comfort you ever since we met." Louis giggled causing Harry to smile. "What? I'm not joking." He just shook his head and thought of another question to ask. "Anything else you want to ask?"

"Yeah I'm just trying to think of what. Most of what you said was to make me feel better and advice, so give me a second." Harry nodded his head, giving Louis a quick squeeze before resting his cheek on his shoulder so that he was looking out to the trees. "You talked about my eyes. How they were a light grey and how they changed to a blue over time."

"The first time we met there was no life in you. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. You were only a walking corpse, skin and bones and that's it. A zombie. But as time went on, I've noticed how more and more blue came back and it was as if life was slowly making its way back into you. Excuse my language, but fuck does it make me happy."

Louis smiled and bit his cheek, listening to Harry talk. It was the fact that Harry noticed the little things about him that made everything so much better. "You don't regret the kiss?"

"Nope," Harry said popping the 'p'.

"Why not? You don't like boys?"

"But I like you." Louis' heart literally stopped beating and he'd be surprised if he was still breathing. "And I'd be a shitty best friend to be like ' _ew gross bleh_ ' about it." Never mind that, he was breathing. "Plus, it actually wasn't that bad." Harry shrugged.

"It was only a peck, nothing special."

"Still, it feel pretty nice not gonna lie." He could feel Louis squirm in his arms from being uncomfortable.

"Shut up," Louis whispered, dropping his head down and relaxing his legs next to Harry's.

"You're the one who asked." Their laughs died down as Louis tried to think of something else to say.

"That was technically my first kiss."

"Technically?"

"Yeah." Louis didn't elaborate because he simply didn't want to.

"Well I'm honoured." Harry caught on and decided to just go with it. "You're my first boy kiss too. Well technically."

"Technically?"

"I kissed Niall twice but I was drunk and it was sorry if against his will." So Harry just kissed everyone when he was drunk then, huh? "I told him he could only take me home if he gave me a kiss on the cheek and when he did I turned my head last minute. That's all." He felt like he needed to explain it to Louis because he didn't want him to be upset about it. He cleared his throat and continued their previous conversation. "That it kitten?"

"No, I just can't remember what was in the letter."

"Take your time. Don't push yourself." As Louis was thinking, Harry let go one of Louis' hands to play with the hair's at the base of his neck, turning his head so he was now looking at Louis.

There was definitely something else Louis wanted to ask, he felt it in his core, but it wasn't coming to mind. It was one of the questions he wanted to ask the most so why couldn't he remember? It was about their friendship. Something about happiness and friendship or- Bam. It hit him. He managed to wiggle out of Harry's embrace to look him in the eye. "You said I'm your happiness right now, that when you see me you forget about everything." Harry sighed, dropping his head to look to his lap. "That you need me?" It fell silent again. "And you've mentioned before how something was going on but you didn't want to tell me." He latched his hand to Harry's, making him drop whatever rocks were in there. "What's going on Harry?"

Harry sighed, hitting their linked hands against his knee a few times. "Louis it's not that easy to-"

"Allow yourself to be vulnerable," Louis interrupted. "Talk to me, let me in." He smirked at the end of his sentence.

Harry smiled and shook his head at the fact that Louis was using his own words against him. He looked up to see Louis smiling softly and sighed. "Um, things aren't going well at home."

"What do you mean?"

"Louis, I uh- okay." Harry pulled in Louis' hand to bring him closer because affection comforted him the most. "You know, I don't talk much about my father. Have nothing against that man, well I didn't. But, um, Monet would ask me questions about my family when we were dating and I've always brushed over talking about him because I don't really know what to say."

Louis rubbed his thumb along the back of Harry's hand to let him know he was listening. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I wouldn't want to push you."

"You sound like me," Harry chuckled, looking up from the ground.

Louis offered a sad smile and wiped a tear away from Harry's cheek. "Don't continue if you don't want to."

"No, I wanna tell you." His answer made Louis feel bubbly inside. It had nothing to do with what he said but the principle behind it. Harry refused to tell his now ex girlfriend about his dad, but was willing to tell a very complicated friend?

"Ever since I was little he wasn't the keenest on talking about what he does as a career. I just knew that he was gone a lot." He paused, looking down to their hands, biting the side of his cheek and poked the squishy space between Louis' thumb and pointer finger. "He's not a deadbeat dad at all. He was good when he was present, he just wasn't present a lot. Work always came first, you know?"

"Sure but where-"

"My parents are getting a divorce." Louis gasped and immediately tackled Harry in a hug.

"I'm so sorry Harry." Louis knew that Harry liked affection so he wrapped in a hug and slotted his face in Harry's neck to offer him as much warmth and comfort as possible.

"Don't apologise, it's not your fault it's my dad's." Harry hugged him back just as tight. "Turns out the reason we moved here was so he could be closer to his mistress and wouldn't have to go on 'business trips' that often." Louis squeezed him tighter. Harry pulled away, keeping a grip on Louis' hand. "You know how I like exploring?"

Louis nodded with furrowed brows. "Yeah?"

"Yeah well one day I was out and I saw him with a female but I was like ' _yeah whatever he can have female friends_ ' until I saw them kiss. And I couldn't just not tell my mum because I love her to death and she deserves way better than to be treated like that. Of course she didn't believe me at first but as days went on and my dad's sketchy behaviour kept getting worse she came to terms with it and confronted him about it."

"What'd she say?"

"She wanted to act like she didn't know, so she asked where he'd been and why he stayed out late or didn't come home and he blamed it on work. So my mum said she called them and said he was out— she didn't by the way, it was just a test— and he literally choked. He had nothing to say and that's when she told him that I saw him with the mistress. He raged at me after that saying I betrayed him, but whatever. He didn't come home last night, or many nights before that really. My mum thinks he comes home during the day and takes a few things of his before he leaves while no one is home."

It was quiet for a minute as Harry traced circles on the back of Louis' hand with a faint smile on his face. It was a sensitive topic but it felt nice to release it all, especially in Louis' company. "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say," Louis whispered breaking the silence.

"Don't say anything then, it's okay kitten."

"It's not though."

"No, but it is when you're here." They both smiled but Louis broke their eye contact, feeling heavy underneath his gaze.

"Sorry for putting you through even more stuff when you already had a lot on your plate."

"Hey, no, don't do that sunshine. You didn't know."

"You could've told me, you know. I wouldn't have minded."

"Whether or not I did, that wouldn't have changed anything. We still would've had that night. Besides, I wasn't ready to talk about it yet."

"Kay," Louis whispered, letting Harry kiss the back of his hand. "I don't mean to neglect your feelings at all but since we're talking about things, I um, I spent some time with Monet yesterday."

"Oh, no, don't worry about it," Harry reassured. "We can talk about it some other time. Tell me about yesterday."

"When she left yours I was going to the market and she came over and asked me how I was doing."

"That's nice." Harry smiled because, yeah, Monet was a sweetheart and he absolutely loved her to bits.

"Yeah, she wouldn't leave me alone and insisted on taking me to the store and pay for my groceries. We talked a bit because she wanted to make sure I was doing okay, but I felt like she didn't want to be a bother so she suggested we split up to get the items in a timely matter."

"She never told me," Harry huffed in a pout.

"Yeah, because I asked her not to."

"Why?"

"Because we weren't talking and I didn't want to bother you I guess."

"Mm, how was it?"

"Was nice. She's really nice."

"Yeah, I love her." Louis weakly smiled and looked down to his feet.

"Why was she over?"

"Needed someone to talk to. I didn't feel like myself and I didn't like it so she helped me through it. Gave me advice, told me some things that shocked me but ya know, it all made me feel better."

"What was shocking?" Louis asked with furrowed brows.

"Nothing to worry about, kitten." Since he didn't know if it was true or not, Harry decided not to bring up the whole possible crush thing. Even if he knew for sure, he still wouldn't have brought it up because he didn't want to lose Louis over it. A friendship was more important to him than a crush. "C'mon." Harry stood up, sticking a hand out for Louis. "Let's head out. We've been here for a bit." Louis nodded and grabbed the celery and untied Harry's shirt from his knee— that did nothing because he barely bled— as Harry packed his bag. The two boys walked back to the car chatting and laughing along the way.

 

**4:57 pm **

Harry drove them home, taking the long way to spend more time with his neighbour ( _"Harry, we've passed this building like four times already"_  Louis giggled.  _"Have we?"_  Harry chuckled back). They continued to talk about absolutely random things from why does red mean stop ( _"Because red is for danger and if you run a red light you're going to be in danger"_ —which blew Harry's mind for a reason Louis didn't understand) to how ants are so strong ( _"They're so freaking strong Louis! They can lift up to five thousand times their body weight!" "Yeah, ants weigh nothing. That's why it's five thousand and why they're strong." "How does that make sense? If they're so light how are they expected to carry so much?" "Because their muscles don't have to support as much body weight so they can use their strength to carry things instead."_  —That really blew Harry's mind).

Unfortunately, they made it home and their day's adventure had to come to an end. As Harry parked his car in the drive, the two boys sat there for a few seconds in silence with Louis fidgeting with his fingers and Harry gripping the bottom of the wheel. "I had fun today," Louis spoke up. "Thanks for encouraging me to skip school with you."

Harry chuckled and looked to the passenger seat with a smile. "The pleasure's mine. We should do this more often, not the skipping school part but the hanging out and stuff like that."

Louis smiled and nodded his head. "Maybe." He got out the car and walked towards his house.

"Louis?" He turned around from the end of the drive to see Harry stretching his arms out with a smirk on his face. Walking back to Harry with a smile on his lips, he wrapped his arms around Harry's torso as Harry held tightly around his shoulders. He breathed in his scent, the warm vanilla that was Louis and melted into it. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, yeah?" Louis nodded and pulled away from him and walked back to his house. "Love you Lou," he heard Harry say as he crossed the street but pretended as if he heard nothing.

But he didn't not whisper a, "love you too Harry," to himself as he walked into the house. He was immediately met with a warm, savory smell of his mum cooking dinner. "Hey ma," he said setting his backpack on the ground by the stools lining the counter top.

"You're home late. How was school?" Laura turned around from the stove.

He completely forgot to tell her that he didn't go to school. "It was uh-" he hated how he could never lie to his mum, "I, um, I didn't go to school." His mum didn't make any move or face, just waited for Louis to finish. "I'm so sorry mum, I just- I don't know. I skipped school with Harry today and I was going to tell you but it completely slipped my mind."

Laura tilted her head and sighed as she walked towards her son. "Louis, calm down love, it's okay. I saw you leave in Harry's car in the opposite direction of school this morning. I knew something was up."

"Wha- you're not mad?"

"Maybe I should be, but you're doing normal teenager things: making friends, skipping school, hanging out. Any other parent may be mad, but I'm just happy you're finally putting yourself out there. You're a good kid and I trust Harry so I know you were safe and returned that way." She held him by the arms, scanning him up and down just to make sure. "What's happened there?" She pointed to the hole on Louis' knee with furrowed brows.

Louis looked to where she was pointing and smiled. "Oh um, I fell on some rocks and scraped my knee, but I'm okay. It didn't bleed much."

Laura nodded and walked back to the stove to mix the food to make sure nothing burned. "As long as you're okay. Now, go clean yourself up, dinner will be ready soon." Louis nodded and headed up to his room.


	34. fresh strawberries cut in perfect halves and chocolate chip teddy grahams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i so badly wanted to post on friday but i was backed up with homework. i had to make a storyboard and shot list and i'm filming a documentary for my final in a few weeks so if my updates are sort of wack that's why and i apologize in advance. the good thing is that every other chapter i've prewritten after this one is complete so all i have to do is edit and post instead of having to fill them in with extra scenes because they were too short ((:
> 
> the next few weeks are going to be hectic for me so please be patient with me bc i'm trying my best to get things out on time. but y'all have a good day and thank you for reading xx

mood: float on: modest mouse  
  


 

** Tuesday, October 30th 6:41 am **

There was never a time in his recent years where Louis woke up feeling so refreshed, not even when he slept for hours and hours just a few days ago. His eyes didn't feel as heavy and it was easier to roll out of bed compared to other mornings. Everything felt light. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted and what that weight was, he didn't know but he knew it had to do with Harry by the way he rushed to get ready just to see him. It had been a very, very long time where Louis actually missed someone (besides Emily) and was so eager and excited to see someone. He quickly hopped out of bed and rushed his shower just to throw on the first thing he found, not caring if it matched or not. Louis wanted to speed down the stairs, growing some balls and thought about knocking on Harry's door. Harry said friendships are two way and this was going to be his way of showing that he's in it.

That was until a familiar voice knocked him out his thoughts as he opened his bedroom door. The voice echoed in the kitchen and reverberated through the empty home, tickling his eardrums in the process causing him to smile. But as he entered the kitchen he was sure to wipe it off his face, not wanting anyone to know how excited he was. "Harry?" Louis questioned with furrowed brows, appearing from the empty doorway.

When Louis entered the room Harry lit up, his smile wide and bright. "Good morning Lou," Harry greeted, "why don't you join us?" As if his life couldn't get anymore confusing. Harry's been in his house before but never this early really. Usually when Harry would be over it'd be after school so to see him in his kitchen eating breakfast with his parents was definitely different. Laura was having a chat as usual and his dad wasn't too distracted by the morning paper?

"Um, what are you doing here?" Louis whispered as he neared the table. He stood in front of Harry and almost immediately Harry reached out, grabbing Louis' fingers, stroking his thumb across his knuckles.

"Come sit with us, we can talk about it later yeah?" Harry spoke equally as soft, pulling the chair out next to him for Louis to sit. He hesitantly sat down next to the taller boy seeing there was already a plate of food waiting for him.

"Don't be too blunt about breakfast, Harry made it for you," Laura spoke carefully, not wanting to upset her son. Everyone was on edge about the whole situation, especially Harry. In no way was he trying to overstep any boundaries and he hoped Louis didn't think he was. But if he did, Harry could see how since he was having breakfast with Louis' parents without him and he made him a plate of food which was risky in itself.

Harry woke up early, like painstakingly early, to come over and prepare breakfast for Louis. After coming to the conclusion that Louis most likely wasn't eating enough, he decided that maybe if it was only once, he'd make Louis breakfast just to make sure he was getting the nutrition he needed for that day. He showed up when Louis was in the shower and asked if he could help Laura with breakfast. Of course she was not going to turn down that offer so she happily let him in. The only thing she was hesitant on was him making food for Louis. Louis wasn't a huge fan of breakfast foods, that was usually why he skipped it and took a cereal bar or apple instead.

Louis grabbed the fork and pushed the food around the plate. "You made this?" There was a lot of tension and anticipation filling the room because Louis never gave a reaction to how he felt. There was a blank expression and no one knew how to react to that. Looking down at the plate Louis almost wanted to laugh. It wasn't hard to tell that Harry made his breakfast because his parents wouldn't be that dorky.

The corner of Harry's lips quirked up in a small smile as he nodded his head. "How'd you know?" he chuckled, taking glances from the plate to Louis.

Louis looked back down to the plate, biting his lip to hide back the smile that took over. On the plate was a pile of fresh strawberries cut in perfect halves and another pile of chocolate chip teddy grahams— seventeen to be exact. Next to the plate was a small bowl of what used to be mint chocolate chip ice cream that had since been melted. "The ice cream's soup." Louis giggled poking at the mushy mess with his spoon.

"You took too long to come down. How was I supposed to know you come down late?" From beyond those two boys, Louis' parents were stunned with the sight before them. Louis' laughs came at a minimum— even when they watched comedy films together— and he seemed to be completely comfortable with Harry and the breakfast he made for him. They looked at each other in shock because, yeah, they knew about the kindling friendship but it's different seeing his son actually interacting with someone outside the family than just knowing about it.

"Well, I wasn't expecting ice cream to be waiting for me."

"Hush up and eat your food or I'll cry because I spent a long time trying to find the perfect strawberries for you." Louis shook his head with a smirk as he stabbed a strawberry with his fork, sliding it into his mouth. That morning would be the first time in six to seven years that Louis ate breakfast with his parents. Every so often he ate dinner with them but it was never anything too special. He'd have a few bites of spaghetti or he'd eat half a chicken breast.

The next fifteen minutes were spent with Harry and Laura engaging in a chat whilst Charles would read the paper with his occasional glances up and a few chip ins, but Louis awkwardly sat there, eating his food as he listened to the conversation. Harry talked about random things with Laura, mainly asking things about Louis when he was younger. She told him a few stories of when Louis was a kid, one was the story about the monkey bars that Louis already told him about. Even though Louis was fine with telling Harry that story, it felt more embarrassing when his mum told it because she was so overdramatic.

As time went on the less and less interested Louis was in his food and the conversation. He pushed around the few strawberries and teddy grahams with his fork. Lost in his own world, he allowed his mind to wander to things he tried to keep out: Harry. He gave himself a free pass to wonder about the strange boy since he was there in his dining room, eating breakfast with his parents. Louis couldn't remember the last time he ate breakfast with his family. Breakfast wasn't his favourite meal of the day— most of the foods were too sweet and sugary for his liking which meant lots of fat. The only meal he didn't mind eating was lunch because he got to eat by himself with the accompany of Harry from time to time and then he wasn't forced to eat off he didn't want to.

That was until he faintly heard his mum telling Harry about the time when Louis was in primary and he ran out the house and down the street in only his underwear. "Mum!" Louis exclaimed, his skin growing pink.

The room erupted in laughter from Louis' embarrassment and Harry gave his hand a squeeze for comfort. "It's okay Lou," Harry reassured. "No need to be embarrassed. If it makes you feel any better, I used to walk around the house bare naked with everything on display."

"That's different! You were in the house when that all happened."

"I never liked to wear clothes as a kid. That included parties that my family hosted." Louis' eyes widened as he covered his mouth. "See an eye for an eye." He let go of Louis' hand to wrap around his back and rubbed along the length. He continued to talk with Laura, changing the subject from Louis to current events. Expressing how they both felt about them, sometimes agreeing with one another and other times disagreeing. With that conversation, Charles was really invested in. Not that he wasn't invested with the conversation about Louis, just that Laura got really passionate about them and hated to be interrupted.

Easily, Louis fell back into his thoughts just as easily as he snapped out of them. He continued to think about Harry and how he got on well with his parents which wasn't much of a shock since he got along with everyone but still. It all was a little unsettling to think about because he didn't want anyone getting attached just in case whatever they had didn't last. There was no ill intentions on his part, but it was like everything he touched died.

"Everything alright?" Harry whispered, nudging his arm into Louis' side to gain his attention, successfully snapping him out of his thoughts.

Louis smiled, picking up his spoon and went to poke the liquified ice cream. "Course, 'm just not hungry anymore."

"No? Let me take this to the kitchen and you get your stuff ready for school." Harry stood and grabbed both their plates, placing the bowl on top of the plate. "I'll meet you at the door when everything's finished, yeah?"

"You don't have to, I can do it myself." Louis was about to grab his dishes from the Harry's hands but was swatted away.

"A prince never cleans after himself. Go get your things Lou." Harry walked to the kitchen with both his and Louis' dishes in hand. Laura and Charles sat at the table as the two boys up and left, stunned at how the boys interacted with one another. The way Louis automatically listened to what Harry told him to do and how Harry took care of Louis was something not many people do in friendships. It all seemed effortless and though that couldn't be farthest from the truth from the outside it looked peaches and cream. "Ready?" Harry asked when approaching the door, grabbing his backpack along the way.

Louis was already waiting by the door and smiled when Harry came his way, opening the door to start their walk to school. "Harry?" Louis' dad questioned before the boy could exit the house. Both boys turned around with matching expressions of confusion. "Fancy a chat?"

The taller boy looked at Louis, not saying anything but silently asking him if he was okay with the situation. Louis gave him a shrug and diverted eyes to the ground. "Yeah, give me one second." When Charles nodded and walked away Harry turned back around to Louis, gripping his arms. "Lou."

"Hm?" Louis hummed, keeping his line of sight to his shoes.

"Look at me sun." Reluctantly, Louis looked up, letting Harry's height and close proximity tower over him. His eyes were glassy and his face was flushed red. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'll wait for you out here." He walked out of Harry's hold, furthering himself onto the porch.

"Hey, talk to me."

"Hurry up before we're late."

"Louis."

"Go," Louis breathlessly whispered, sniffing back his tears. He wasn't upset at Harry in any way, but it did upset him that his father would rather talk to Harry than his own son.

Harry was torn between staying with Louis to see what was wrong and going back in to chat with Charles. But since he'll have really any time to talk to Louis today, he didn't think a few minutes with his dad would hurt. "I'll be back in a bit, okay?" Louis nodded, plopping down on the top step of his porch.

When Harry walked back into the house, the table was cleared off and the only people to be on the bottom level were him and Louis' dad. "Harry," Charles stated.

"Charles." Harry copied his tone, walking closer to the kitchen.

"How's your morning been?"

"Perfect, yours?"

"It's been alright, yeah."

"That's always nice." The tension was insanely thick and it was all making Harry uncomfortable. He had never really talked Louis' father before, besides the brief conversation they had about Emily weeks ago, and he couldn't understand why or what he wanted to talk about now. "If you don't mind sir, I've got to get to school and Louis' waiting for me outside." He started to walk backwards with his thumb pointing towards the door behind him.

"What are your intentions?" Charles asked, leaning his back against the counter as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm not sure what you mean?" Harry scrunched his eyebrows together, dropping his head forward and tilting it to the side.

"You're his friend?"

"Yeah, we've gotten pretty close."

Charles nodded, looking Harry up and down mentally judging him. In no way, shape, or form did he have a personal vendetta against Harry. Though Louis may not always notice it, Charles wanted to protect his son. He wanted the best for Louis and if Harry wasn't that he needed to go. "And what do you plan on doing with that?"

To say the least Harry was taken aback by the not so subtle accusation. It was understandable why he'd ask that but Harry thought it was obvious that his intentions were pure with Louis. It wasn't about keeping score, but after everything he had done for Louis he thought that maybe his parents would be more trustworthy of him and his intentions. "Are you accusing me of something?"

"Do I need to be accusing you of something?" Charles furrowed his brows and pushed himself off the counter's edge, taking a few steps towards the tall boy.

"Do you think I need to be accused of something?"

"Do  _you_?" Harry huffed and began to tap his foot, his impatience taking over because Charles' childishness of answering a question with a question was irritatingly annoying.

"Look," Harry began, taking a step closer to Charles and using his hands to talk. "I think your son is so amazingly and wonderfully beautiful. Words honestly can't describe what I feel for your son because in all honesty, I don't know either. But what I can say is that you don't have to worry about my intentions or whatever it is you're questioning me about. He's the greatest person I know and, just like you, I only want the best for him." Harry paused for Charles to speak but when he didn't he continued on. "Louis' not like anyone I ever met. He's moody, hell yeah, but he's so sweet and kind and caring and smart and he has the best personality a human could ever have. He means so much to me and I'd never even think about putting him in any kind of harm's way." Charles didn't say a word. He remained silent to try and process Harry's words and find a way to respond to it. It had been years on years since he heard someone speak so highly of Louis and it was so so good to hear.

"You're a charming boy," was all Charles could think of.

Harry nodded tilting his head from side to side. "I've heard that a few times."

"We love him very much."

"I'm sure."

"He was like a gift sent to us."

"I know, he told me."

Charles nodded, shocked that Louis told him the story about his coming about to being the Tomlinson's son. "I hope you know I'm just asking for the best. We don't want anything bad to happen to him again."

"Oh, no, of course. I get that. I'm sorry if my tone came off irritated, I just- I didn't think my intentions would have to be questioned after all I've done for your son. But I guess it's better to ask than assume." They stood in silence, Harry pursed his lips and looked around the room with raised brows while Charles stared down to the ground, rocking back and forth on his feet with his hand shoved in his trouser pockets. "Now, if you don't mind-" When Louis' dad looked up, Harry began to take steps back with his thumb pointed to the door. Charles nodded his head, allowing the teenager to leave.

"Harry?" He turned around once he grabbed the doorknob. "Promise me one thing." Harry raised his brows in response to Charles' sentence. "He's sensitive so please, just, don't break him. He's already been through a lot and I'd hate to seem him like that again."

Harry flat lined his lips, shaking his head from side to side. "See, that's where you're wrong Charles." He turned the knob but kept the door shut, his body still facing Charles. "You think you see weakness, so you believe him to be sensitive." Charles was about to intervene, but Harry continued. "It's alright, sometimes we don't know any better." Harry opened the door but kept his body pointed at Charles. "But where you see sensitivity, I see strength." And with that he closed the door behind him and was welcomed by a cold gust of wind. "Lou?"

Louis had since moved to sit on the chair closest to the door, seemingly lost in thought. "Hm?" he hummed keeping his gaze on the cement. Harry said nothing and stuck his hand out in front of Louis' attention and he took it without hesitation and allowed Harry to pull him across the pavement.

"I'll drive us." Harry only received a nod in response.

The car ride to school was quick and silent. It wasn't too long of a drive but it felt like an eternity with all the tension floating in the air. That morning was supposed to fun and sweet and lead the way for the rest of the day. At first it was, everything felt so nice, but it all turned downhill and he didn't understand how. Today was supposed to be a good day, but it was only morning and already filled with so much tension. When Harry parked in a spot close to the building and Louis went to get out the car, he locked the doors and looked to the small boy. Louis huffed and threw himself back in the seat crossing his arms over his chest.

"Lou." Harry said bluntly, looking over to the passenger seat.

"What Harry?" Louis huffed groaned keeping his attention out the windshield.

"Talk to me."

"What's there to talk about?"

"Don't do this."

"I'm going to be late for class." Louis stepped out the car and walked towards the school but before he could even round the boot Harry stood in front of him.

"We're both going to be late if you don't tell me what's wrong." He grabbed Louis' hands but he immediately snatched them away making Harry furrow his brows.

"Don't touch me Harry." He walked passed Harry with heavy feet— as heavy as they could sound considering that he was tiny— pounding against the ground and a scowl on his face, like a pouty child.

"Hey!" Harry chased after him like he always seemed to do. "Why are you mad at me?"

"I'm not." Louis continued to trudge through the car park, not caring about the cars passing by. Through his journey, he earned a few honks and Harry was the one to lift a hand and apologise for his friend.

"You better stop before you get hurt," Harry called after him but he was ignored. "Why won't you talk to me then?"

Louis stopped abruptly and Harry stumbled a bit to not bump into him. He spun around and looked up at Harry with tears swelling in his eyes. "You were talking about me behind my back." To try and stop himself from crying, the pitch of his voice raised and kept cutting out from his throat becoming sore.

"What? When was this?" Harry scrunched his brows together and crossed his arms. "Lou, I've never talked bad about you if that's what you're thinking. I swear on everything I love that if I do talk about you it's nothing but positive."

"You think I'm weak." A tear slipped down Louis' cheek. He was feeling so  _so_  good when he woke that morning but now he was a mixture of anger and being upset and that in itself was angering. He just wanted a good day.

"No I don't. Why would you think that?"

"You called me sensitive." Another tear fell and Louis was slowly losing it. One of the only things Louis was self aware of was that he had come such a long way from where he was in the beginning of the year and it was just like a slap in the face that Harry would think he was sensitive. He had shown nothing but strength in trying so hard to learn how to be human again and Harry thought he was weak? What was the point then?

It clicked in Harry's mind that Louis was referring to the only bit he must've heard of his conversation with Charles. "Lou, no. I didn't-"

"I heard you."

"It wasn't like that at all. Just let me explain what happened." He stepped closer and wiped a tear away from Louis' cheek. "I know you want to know." Louis turned his face away from Harry just as the school bell rang.

"I've got to get to class," Louis said. He turned and walked up the stairs to the building.

"No we need to fix this, Lou. You have to listen to me."

Louis stopped to turn around to give Harry a condescending look before continuing to walk to the building. "I don't have to do anything, Harry. Goodbye."

"You can't run from me Tomlinson, I know where to find you," Harry shouted.

"I've done it before," Louis yelled back before stepping into the building.

 

**11:47 am **

Even though he said he could hide from Harry, and he very well could, he decided not to because he didn't want to go through such a hassle over something so small but also because the best hiding place is in plain sight. The only time Louis really saw Harry was in third lesson. He stayed behind to try and patch things up but Mr. Phillips shooed him off and threatened him with a detention slip to make him leave Louis alone.

The hardest thing to admit was that he knew he was overreacting. He didn't hear any other bit of the conversation so he shouldn't take what he did hear out of context. He should've listened to what Harry had to say instead of blowing things up like he always did. It was an old habit he had to get rid of if he wanted to be less destructive to those around him but having been put through everything he was put through it was hard to be understanding when he heard someone call him weak. Always having that as an excuse was going to get old soon and he knew that there would be point where Harry reached his limit and he didn't want that.

He was sat in his usual spot at the back of the library doing his homework and minding his own business. He knew Harry was going to come in soon looking for him— at least he hoped. Minutes upon minutes passed and he still wasn't in the library and Louis worried that was the time he pushed him too far and he was actually pissed. One way or another he was going to see Harry, after all they were neighbours. And he'd hear what Harry would have to say on his own terms instead of Harry forcing it upon him. That or he'd hear what Harry would have to say right then because he was approaching the table with anger written all over his face that Louis was completely oblivious to from being busy focusing on his maths.

"You tricked me," Harry huffed as he dropped down on his seat across from Louis who didn't budge from his work.

"How so monsieur?" Louis mocked as he copied an equation into his notebook.

"I went all over the school looking for you. The bathrooms, empty rooms, I even looked in the cafeteria because I didn't think you'd be in here."

"I didn't trick you, you just assumed I wouldn't be here."

Harry rolled his eyes because, yeah, of course Louis was right. "Well we wouldn't be in this situation if you didn't assume I was talking bad about you."

Louis sighed loudly, slamming his pencil on his textbook and intertwining his fingers and resting his chin on top of his knuckles. "Oh is that so?" Harry raised his eyebrows and tilted his head forward. "Explain then,  _sugar_."

Choosing to ignore the mockery of the nickname, Harry took a few deep breaths to calm himself down before speaking. "Your dad cares about you." Louis scoffed and rolled his eyes as he dropped his hands on the table. "He does kitten, you need to see that. He loves you and only wants the best for you."

He shook his head, grabbing his pencil and forcing it onto his paper and said, "he couldn't care less about me."

"That's so not true Lou. He loves you dearly, but he's having a hard time trying to connect with you because you won't let him."

"Is that what you guys talked about?"

"No." He waited for Louis to ask what it was about but instead he went back to doing his homework. "Please will you give me a minute? I know you aren't the keenest on your dad but please pay attention to me." He walked over to sit next to Louis, grabbing the pencil out of his hands and placing it on the table. After getting a hold of his hands, he placed a kiss to the back of both of them. "Listen to me, please?"

"Fine," Louis begrudgingly sighed out. He knew he was being difficult (when wasn't he) but as much as he wanted to know what happened between Harry and his dad, he didn't want to think about how his dad viewed him.

"You need to talk to him. Hey, no, don't look at me like that. You can't expect the relationship between the two of you to go anywhere if you keep pushing him away."

"Then maybe he shouldn't have pushed me away when I tried to maintain the relationship we had."

"Listen to me." Harry shook Louis hands to get the small boy to look at him. "You also can't expect to move on if you continue to hold on to the past."

"You don't understand."

"Then make me, please. That's all I want."

"It's really none of your business Harry." Louis retracted his hands from Harry's and carefully placed them on his lap.

"It is when I'm involved in it so tell me."

"Barely."

"I'm also your friend so you should be able to tell me things. I shouldn't have to beg it out of you."

"And what if I don't want you to know? Hm?" Louis wasn't one to be hostile and it wasn't the topic of his father that made him that way, it was the memories that came with the conversation. It had been a while since he had even thought about them but now they were talking about his dad, images of Rory and the things he did to him flashed through his mind like a slideshow. "What if I don't want to tell you at all, ever? You can't force me to tell you."

That of all things was the last thing Harry expected Louis to say so he was a bit confounded. The idea of Louis never wanting to tell Harry something hurt. Maybe it had nothing to do with trust and everything to do with not wanting to relive those memories but that didn't stop him from being upset about it. "Oh, yeah. No, of course. I- yeah."

The sudden change of Harry's mood snapped Louis out of his minor heat of rage. He sighed and began to fiddle with his fingers. "Sorry, I just- I'm sorry Harry, didn't mean to upset you."

"'s fine," Harry whispered, clearly upset. "I pushed you too far."

"It's not that I don't want to tell you, it's just really touchy for me."

"I understand, Lou. You don't have to explain yourself."

Louis shook his head and looked down to his lap, picking at the skin around his nails. "My father wasn't a father when I needed him to be one the most."

Harry looked up with furrowed brows. "What does that mean?"

Louis looked back down, biting his lip and shaking his head. "Can we drop this?"

Harry nodded, rubbing his palms on his thighs. "Your dad just wanted to make sure my intentions were pure was all."

Louis nodded, poking his knee with his first finger. "I just wish he'd talk to  _me_."

"I'm sure he's tried but you've got to let him in."

"It's hard."

"I know, kitten, I know." Harry brought Louis' head to his shoulder and rubbed up and down his arm. "You've taken the time to trust me and I'm just your stupidly attractive neighbour who came out of nowhere to try and swoon you." Louis laughed, moving his head to fit more comfortably against Harry's shoulder. "I came out of the blue and all I wanted to do was to be your friend and look at us now. But this is your dad. You've known him all your life."

"I know, but everything is easier with you than anyone else."

Harry smiled and rested his chin on top of Louis' head and he knew Louis only allowed this affection because there wasn't many people in the library. "Why's that?"

"Because you understand even when I'm being outrageously ridiculous. You just know what to do and I'm not saying that my dad doesn't, it's just-" Louis sighed and bit the inside of his cheek, receiving a squeeze from Harry. "I can't have any resentment towards you because you weren't there to push me away in my past. You're here to help me now and I like it that way."

"You shouldn't hate your dad kitten."

"I don't- well no, I don't hate him. I just hate that he didn't believe me before it was too late."

Harry sighed and closed his eyes for a few seconds to think about what he wanted to say. There was an endless amount of possibilities that went through Harry's mind as to what happened to Louis since he was left in the unknown. Of course he didn't want to push the information out of Louis, but he also didn't know how much longer he could be left in the dark without knowing what he could and couldn't talk about with Louis or how to help Louis better himself.

When he opened his eyes, he kissed the top of Louis' head and laid his cheek against the soft waves. "Will you ever tell me what happened?" He could feel Louis still for a brief second and relax as if it never happened.

"Whenever I'm ready. I can't tell you when that'll be but I do want to tell you. Just not here, not now." Harry nodded, understanding where he was coming from. Some of his apprehension was soothed knowing that Louis had intentions of telling him, but he was still left unsettled because neither knew when that would be. Harry could be left in the dark for years until Louis felt comfortable enough to talk about his past with him.

 

**5:29 pm **

Things have calmed down since that morning. Louis felt better after lunch and that, of course, made Harry feel better. With the few lessons they had left, Louis stopped avoiding Harry and whatever efforts he tried to make to see him. He accepted the hi's and hey's and the hugs and waves openly and maybe even smiled a bit just to reassure to Harry that everything was okay. And it was. Louis was fine but he was left to think about his dad for the rest of the day. The conversation about him was brief, but it stuck with Louis because he couldn't help but feel guilty about trusting Harry more than his own parents.

It was inevitable. He knew one day or another he'd have to talk to his dad about everything from the absolute beginning, but he didn't think that day would be sometime in the next ten to thirty years. Yes, it sounded bitter and petty but being a kid it was detrimental to everything. He was so vulnerable and being rejected by his own parents felt like it was like the end of the world. And it quite literally was. His life ended the day his dad didn't believe him, the day his dad pushed him away because he didn't want to believe it to be true. It was over. The relationship, the love, the  _respect_.

When the school day ended, Harry drove the both of them home after having a chat with his friends. They went their separate ways and did their own after school activities. Instead of doing his homework right away like he usually would, Louis decided to draw to help relieve his stress so he could better focus on his homework. They were just small, silly sketches of things around his room like his bed or his toilet or the knobs on his dresser. Across the street in the Styles' home Harry skipped doing his homework until the very last minute and did recreational things like practice guitar or scroll through his phone or go on a call with Niall.

A few hours later Harry invited Louis over his to watch a film since they never really would hang out at his place. The two boys were sat in Harry's living room watching a film of Louis' choice, nestled in between blankets with snacks resting on Harry's lap and Louis cuddled into his side. That was what both boys really needed. That morning was a little rough but it was all better now, like it never happened. The only thing that was on Louis' mind was the feeling of Harry's breathing against his and the feeling of Harry's hand massaging through his hair and the bubbly feeling in his stomach.

"Hey Lou?" Harry spoke up, stilling his hand to gently tap the top of his head. "You awake?"

Louis looked up with hooded eyes and a wavy smile. "I'm here," he groggily whispered. Harry knew he always got sleepy during films from past experiences.

Harry grabbed the remote that rested on the armrest to pause the film before carefully removing Louis from his side so they could have a proper conversation. When removed from his comfortable position, Louis rubbed his palms over his face. "Can we talk?"

"Bout what?" The small boy repositioned himself so that his body was facing Harry's way and crossed his feet, leaning his head against the sofa cushions.

"Friday night."

Louis furrowed his brows in confusion. "We talked about that yesterday."

"We talked about the kiss but not anything else and I still have some questions about what you said and I know you have questions for me."

"Yeah, fine. What's on your mind?"

Harry searched his brain for what he wanted to ask first because there was so many. "How do I make you feel safe? Like what is it about me that's different from other people who've tried to reach out to you?"

That was true. A few people have attempted to reach out to Louis in the past few years but he completely pushed them out. He would never give them the time of day because he genuinely thought they never really cared. "You're persistent," Louis stated, giving a slight nod of his head. "You never gave up on me even when you wanted to at times. Every other person would have given up when I wouldn't budge on the second or third try but after try one hundred you were still here and- I don't know." He paused for a few seconds, trying to stifle the smile that was fighting its way onto his face. "And for the whole me-feeling-safe-around-you bit, I don't know, there's just something about you that calms everything inside me."

"I was annoying though," Harry laughed as he scooted back to rest his back against the armrest because his back was starting to hurt.

"Yeah, but you never judged me for the way I acted or how I treated you. You were always understanding and you took care of me when I needed someone."

Harry looked down to Louis' hands with a smile so wide his dimple popped out. "I like it, you know." He looked back up to look Louis in the eyes. "I hate for you to think you're a burden because I like taking care of you and people in general. It's in my nature, I guess."

"I don't know, I just feel like I'm too much of a liability sometimes."

"You've never made me feel that way Lou. Like I said yesterday, I never ever thought of you that way."

"Yeah." Before Louis looked to his lap, he returned the smile with soft eyes.

"Is it okay if I ask you questions about your adoption?" Adoption was a beautiful thing— giving children a life they deserved— but sometimes it could be touchy depending on who you're talking about it to and Harry didn't know if Louis was one of those people.

"Sure. If I'm ever uncomfortable with answering something, I'll let you know."

Harry nodded his head and pulled on his bottom lip with his first two fingers. "Do you ever miss your birth parents? Because for a lot of adopted children they don't necessarily know their parents when they were born, but you did for five years and I was just wondering if..." Harry drifted off when he took notice of his rambling.

Louis laughed at that because he knew Harry was afraid of possibly offending Louis in some way. "I want to miss them. I wish I could miss them because I know they miss me but I was so young. I only have like two, three years worth of memories with them, most of them I hardly even remember and they have five whole years worth."

"Does that ever drive you crazy? That you barely remember the people that birthed you?"

"Sometimes. I mean, again, I was only five. I want to miss them but whenever I thought of them I picture my last memory of them and that's haunting to see."

Harry couldn't even imagine what that must've been like. The worst thing he could think of happened to Louis and at such a young age. "That's understandable."

"For the first few years I forgot I was adopted and I had this reoccurring nightmare about a car crash and that's when my parents told me everything."

"How old were you when they told you?"

"Seven." Harry nodded, biting down on his bottom lip with furrowed brows as he tried to imagine how Louis felt in that moment. It must've been nice to get closure on something that tormented him in his dreams but maybe it would've been better to think it was just a dream rather than finding out that the nightmare was true. "I feel guilty sometimes. After I found that out, I would think about them a lot, but whenever I thought of them I saw what I thought was my dream and because of that, I forced them out of my mind until, well, Friday."

"That was the first time you thought about them in a long time?" Louis nodded, pulling his lip to the side of his mouth. "Wait, if you forgot you were adopted then how do you remember the backstory about everything that happened on that day?"

"When something traumatising happens to you, your brain pushes the information into your subconscious to protect you from it. I didn't remember until they told me because the topic resurfaced and so did the memories."

It was crazy how that was only a fragment of all the trauma Louis suffered and that was the most upsetting. All of his problems started from a young age where he was the most vulnerable. There was many more questions that Harry had in topics ranging from the way Louis felt about himself to why no one ever taught him how to skip rocks but he felt like they've already gotten very personal and he didn't want to push Louis any further.

"I think that's all I have for you for now." Harry pulled a knee up to his chest to rest his chin on top of it. "Have anything for me?" Louis gave him a sheepish nod and a faint smile. "Fire away kitten."

Louis was never really a curious person when growing up because he was always smart and didn't have to wonder about many things in life, so he didn't have too many questions to ask. "I only have a few," he stated, sitting up from his position to sit up properly.

"Go ahead."

"I want to talk about your anger issues. Is that alright?" Harry nodded with a smile, appreciative that Louis wanted to make sure that Harry was okay with further elaborating on it and he wondered if that was the same way that Louis felt any time he did that. And it was the least he could do for him after pelting him with personal questions. "When did it start?"

The curly-haired boy blew a stream of air out his mouth with raised brows. "Oh god, I don't know. Maybe when I was ten."

"Do you know why?"

"Not really? I mean I used to be rough with my friends sometimes and I'd bump my head a lot. After various amounts of brain scans and testing the radiologist told us there was some sort of damage done to my amygdala I think. I'm sure you already know this, but that's the part of the brain that controls emotions." Louis laughed and nodded his head because Harry knew he was taking psychology. "Wait no, I think he said there was damage done to the front of my brain above my eyes. Like right here." He poked the area on his forehead the exact place the radiologist did so many years ago.

"Orbital frontal cortex," Louis chimed in with a smile. "That's the part of the brain you're talking about."

"Yeah that. There was some kind of damage to my orbital frontal lobe where the neurological brake failed to switch on when my amygdala is activated or something, I don't know."

"Oh okay, so you're saying people without anger problems, or anything of that sort, something in their frontal lobe activates when they're mad to help suppress the emotions but for someone like you, that part is inable to activate hence making you outburst because then you're feeling all of the emotions?"

"I don't know how the hell you got all of that from the three words I said, but yeah, that's basically it. That's why it started I guess."

"And when did the violence start?" Louis was hesitant on asking that because Harry stated before that he didn't really want to dwell on it all that much.

"Around the same time. At first I'd just get really angry but then as time progressed and the more anger management annoyed me, the more violent I got."

"Isn't it supposed to do the opposite?" Louis chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah but they tried to teach me different coping strategies so I didn't act out in a rage like letting things go and identifying what got me angry and stuff like that and it annoyed me because it felt like they were trying to make me feel what  _they_  wanted me to feel."

"I mean, that makes sense but they're only trying to help you better manage your anger so you don't lash out."

Harry nodded, feeling relieved to finally let it all out. There was a good chance that he wouldn't be getting into the specifics of it all, but it felt good to tell Louis something he had been struggling with for nearly eight years. "I know that now, but I was a stubborn kid."

When Louis looked down to his lap with a nod, he felt Harry scoot closer and saw his hand slide against his leg. He smiled and took his hand into his. "And you said you go to anger management classes now?"

"Yeah every Sunday with a psychologist. I used go on Tuesday's and Thursday's sometime during the school day but I haven't been needing to go during school that often anymore."

"How come?"

The smile on Harry's face spread from ear to ear. "Because of you." Louis' face flushed and he looked down to his lap for a brief moment. "I know it's corny, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't."

"Because of me?" Louis whispered, looking up from his lap as he bit back a smile.

The fact that Louis seemed to be glad that he was the reason Harry was getting better at managing his anger was rewarding. "Like I mentioned that night, I don't like you seeing me angry because I don't want to scare you off so I tried to learn how to deal with it to keep you around."

"Really?"

"Yes kitten. I meant it when I said you mean so much to me and that you've changed my life for the better. I wasn't just saying that to flatter you." Louis laughed, leaning his head back against the soft cushions. He kept his attention on Harry and his smile never faltered. He never even thought that he would have the slightest bit of impact in Harry's life, especially not in that way. "Have anything else for me?"

"Since it's only been a few days I'm guessing you're still not ready to talk about the bad things you've done when you were angry?"

Harry shook his head and scrunched his brows as if he didn't even want to remember those memories. "Not yet sugar. I've got to have the reassurance that you won't leave me."

All Louis did was nod because he felt the same. He didn't want to tell Harry about his past until he was sure he wouldn't up and leave once he knew everything. Even after all the pestering and persistence Harry's expressed, that didn't mean he would stay after all of Louis' demons were released. It was such a heavy topic, heavier than anything Louis could carry.

"Your dad."

"What about him?" Harry scoffed with an eye roll.

"You told me what he did, but you never told me how you feel about it? I mean, it was partially my fault because I didn't really know what to say."

"You're fine Lou, I just- I don't really know how I feel about it." With his free hand, Harry scratched the nape of his neck and tugged on his roots a few times before speaking up again. "I despise him for what he did to mum. I hate him for that, but that's my dad, you know? Even after what he did to my mum and all the things he said to me I still have love for him even if he doesn't deserve it."

"I don't know him well, but he's a maggot for that, no doubt." Harry raised his brows and smirked at Louis.

"A maggot, hm?" It wasn't often when you'd hear Louis insult people but when he did, it was one of the best things ever. "I agree kitten."

"Your mum seems very lovely. I mean, she took care of me that one time, so, you know."

"She is. Very lovely that woman. Love her to bits."

That made Louis smile. Harry was a family man and was very passionate about them. "Is that all you feel for your dad?" Louis asked to switch the conversation back to Harry's dad.

Harry shrugged and pulled a face. "I guess. I don't really like thinking about it all that much. Don't really think it's worth that much thought." Louis nodded in response. "That it?"

"Yeah, for now."

"For now. I like that." Harry was always curious about the tiny boy with fluffy hair that lived across the street and it felt nice that Louis was also curious about him in return.

"Whatever." Louis rolled his eyes with a chuckle and looked down to their hands to play with Harry's fingers. It truly fascinated him that such a size was even possible. His hands were huge. They took up Louis' entire face and the only way he knew that was because yesterday Harry shoved Louis' face away when they were play fighting.

The room fell silent. The film was still paused and Louis still played with Harry's fingers. At first Harry watched him tug and poke at them but soon shut him eyes and leaned his head against the cushion to bask in the feeling. It wasn't too long after that something kept berating Harry's mind. He wanted so bad to ask Louis what was on his mind but he knew that he'd say no and he hated being rejected by him. But the thought felt like an itch he couldn't reach and the worst that could happen is that he'll say no. It'll be upsetting but it would only be temporary.

"Hey Lou?" Harry spoke softly to keep the tranquility the house was in as he opened his eyes.

"Hm?" Louis hummed as he looked up from their hands, slapping both his hands on each side of Harry's hand.

Harry laughed at his playfulness and wrapped his hand around the one that was against his palm. "If I ask you a question would you promise to say yes?"

He raised his eyebrows and flat lined his lips with a sigh and a slouch of his shoulders because he already knew what he was going to ask. "Fine, I'll go."

"What?"

"I'll go to that stupid Halloween party with you." Parties weren't the most appealing thing to Louis however, it couldn't be that bad, right? He always wanted to go to a house party before he graduated and this was most likely the only way he'd be accepted in one. It was a Halloween party too, so maybe people wouldn't recognise him all that easily. And if Harry was going to be there with him nothing could go wrong, right?

"How'd you know I was going to ask?"

"I heard about it around school and I've been waiting all day for this moment to come." He gave Harry a faint smile.

"Oh kitten," he smiled, pushing the fringe out of Louis' eyes. "You don't have to agree just because I want you to be there with me."

"No, I kind of want to go but please don't leave me alone." With their intertwined hand, Harry pulled Louis closer to him— for him to lay beside him with his back against the cushions and his head laying on the side of his shoulder. Their faces were close, too close, and Louis wasn't feeling too good about it but he didn't move because Harry didn't move. Harry quickly glanced to Louis' lips and he swore that he saw him swallow. "I'll only go if you stay with me the entire time. I'm not sure if I could handle being alone."

"Why would I do that?" Harry's finger slid across Louis' forehead to prevent his fringe from falling in his eyes like it always did. "Leave you alone? That'd be wasting my precious Louis time. I want every second I can to be spent with you."

"Really?" Louis smiled, his hand playing with Harry's fingers. He didn't remember when or how their hands intertwined again but he really liked it, even if it wasn't right.

"Of course. I, uh, I think you're amazing."

"I think you're amazing too." Harry smiled and it took everything in him to stop himself from kissing Louis. It wasn't something he thought about wanting, he just wanted it so bad and he couldn't understand why. And maybe he would've if he knew Louis wouldn't mind but after what happened that past weekend, he couldn't risk anything anymore.

"Let's get back to the film," Harry awkwardly coughed, scooting closer to the edge to put a bit of distance between the two of them and geared his attention to the telly.

Louis furrowed his brows and sat up all the way next to Harry's knees, paying more attention to the tall boy than the film that was switched to play. "Everything alright?"

"Um, yeah, just wanna finish the film." He coughed again, shifting his legs around.

"Okay," Louis whispered looking back to the screen and relaxing into the couch. Just like Harry he put more distance between them by sitting on the other side of the couch. Something that once was so close and intimate was now awkward and full of tension in the matter of a few seconds.

"Why're you so far?" Harry raised a brow looking towards his neighbour.

"Oh, I thought I made you uncomfortable so I just-"

"What? Lou, no I just- God I don't know." He groaned pinching the bridge of his nose with both of his pointer fingers. He didn't know anything anymore. He didn't understand how he felt or why he felt the things he did. He didn't understand why he wanted Louis close or why he never wanted to be separated from him or why he wanted to kiss his lips all the damn time. The answer should've been simple, but he never liked a boy before so that possibility was not one that he even thought to cross his mind. "I just- I don't know, Lou. I don't know."

"It's fine Harry," Louis chuckled awkwardly. "I'll just go home then." He stood up and started to walk towards the door when Harry grabbed his hand to stop him with pleading eyes.

"No," he hurried. "Please don't. That's the last thing I want. I'm just- everything has been so confusing lately but I don't want you to overthink any of it, okay? Don't distance yourself from me because I want you around. I'm just- everything's fuzzy." Louis didn't question it because he could understand how things could be after everything that happened with his dad and all that. He half smiled and sat back on the couch with space between them. "Want you around more than you'll ever know." He said it so softly that he couldn't be heard over the volume of the telly. "Come over and give me a cuddle."


	35. the journey is the only thing they're sure of

mood: can't take my eyes off you- frankie valli  
  
  


 

** Wednesday ** ** , ** **  October 31st ** **** ** 6:57 am **

Just like the day before, Harry decided to meet up with Louis in his house before school. The only difference was that he didn't prep any breakfast for him so there was no food for them to eat. Besides, Laura hadn't even made breakfast because Charles had an early morning. She only made herself a bowl of oatmeal since Louis usually didn't have breakfast. Harry did end up making Louis a light lunch of crisps, sliced fruit, and, of course, teddy grahams. Once it was prepped he sat at the dining table, scrolling through his phone as he patiently waited for Louis to come downstairs after he was finished getting ready. But when the clock read a few minutes past seven, Harry furrowed his brows and walked up the stairs to Louis' room. Louis was never this late to leave the house. He was the one always rushing to get the both of them to school because he hated to be late.

His knocks against the wood were soft and his voice was even softer. "Lou?" he asked. He waited patiently for a response but there was no movement heard from behind the door. There was no shuffling, no ruffling, the shower wasn't running, and Harry questioned if Louis was even awake at all. He knocked again, that time a bit harder and his voice louder and firmer. "Kitten? Everything alright in there? We've got to get going to school." Again, he never received a response and worry flooded his veins. Louis probably just overslept but Harry immediately settled for the worst and he barged into the room to see a small lump under the covers of Louis' bed. Walking quickly, he approached the bed and kneeled next to it, relieved to see that he was breathing. "Wake up Lou." His hand gently shook his arm as an attempt to wake his neighbour up.

"Go away Harry," Louis croaked out, his eyes still closed. The grip he had on the comforter tightened as he turned around so his back was towards Harry.

"We have to go to school." Harry stayed where he was and began to rub circles on Louis' back which, in a way, was not the best tactic to get him out of bed since it only made him even more sleepy.

"Don't wanna go." He scooted away from Harry's touch and pulled the covers over his head.

"Is this truancy I'm hearing?" Harry poked Louis all over his back and maybe if Louis had the energy he'd squirm away because he was very ticklish. But he was too exhausted to even think about the fact that Harry was about to tease him. "Is the honour roll, role model student Louis Tomlinson going to skip school because he wants to stay in bed?" Louis sighed pulling the covers tighter around his head. Okay so maybe it wasn't just because he wanted to stay in bed all day. "What's wrong?"

"I've got a bad headache."

"Why's that? The morning just started, what could've possibly caused the headache?"

"You."

Harry gasped, dropping his jaw with furrowed brows and his hand clutching the fabric near his heart. "That's quite rude innit?" He saw the small bounce of the blanket from Louis' silent giggle and Harry couldn't stop his smile. "Why does your head hurt?"

"Because."

Harry pulled the corners of his mouth down and stuck out his bottom lip as he nodded his head. "Compelling, very interesting. But will you elaborate for me? Not that your answer wasn't enough, I think I'm just a lousy pillock."

Louis tried his best not to laugh to not give Harry the satisfaction he was looking for but he couldn't help himself. "I was up all night stressing out and only got a few hours of sleep and my alarm hurt my head and now I'm just nervous and stressing out again."

Harry silently got up and walked to the other side of the bed, sinking into the spot next to Louis. He pulled down the comforter to reveal Louis' face and smiled. "What's there to worry about?" The proximity of Harry's body and the gentle stroke of his forefinger against Louis' cheek felt all too intimate for friends but Louis didn't scoot back. Harry mentioned before how he had kissed Niall a time or two so maybe he was this intimate with all of his friends. He only ignored that stupid feeling in his tummy that he always got when Harry touched him and took a few breaths to calm his heart rate.

"The party," he shamefully admitted. He felt like it was such a stupid thing to be stressing out about because who else worried about a stupid Halloween party? No one. No one stressed out about house parties and yet there Louis was overthinking so much that he gave himself a headache. He felt borderline pathetic about it but that was just a tell for who he was, wasn't it?

Harry frowned and scrunched his eyebrows together. "You know I wouldn't let anything happen to you. There's nothing to worry about sugar."

"I know but that doesn't mean people won't have ill intentions." Harry smiled at the fact that Louis knew he'd protect him because he should know that he'd do just about anything to keep that pretty smile on his face.

He sighed and gently rested his palm on the side of Louis' neck. "How about this, we forget about the party and hang out. Just you and me. No sweaty bodies, no loud music. We could stay in and watch a film or we could go out on an adventure. Whatever you want."

"But you want to go and I don't want to keep you from going."

"Trust me, I'd much rather be spending time with you," Harry said, smiling like the idiotic fool he was as he tucked Louis' fringe behind his ear. "Besides the party was just an excuse to see you in a costume."

His skin was tickled in shades of pink and he looked away from Harry for a few seconds to think about what he wanted to do. He didn't want to keep Harry from the party, but spending time with just Harry and not dozens of people sounded far more intriguing. Yet he found himself saying, "let's go to the party."

Harry nodded, his smile never faltering. The party was just a small step, but he was proud of Louis for wanting to try out new things even if it wasn't something he found appealing. "We could leave whenever you want." Louis smiled wider and nodded his head from Harry's persistent generosity. "What about school?" His hand slipped back to the nape of Louis' neck and he fiddled with the messy waves back there.

"Mm," Louis groaned as he turned his head into his pillow. He stayed there for a while breathing in the scent of his shampoo and relaxing into Harry's touch. When he finally turned his face out of the fabric he said, "we should have a late start today," with his eyes closed.

"Oh, we?" Harry teased causing a pink tint to wash over Louis' face. "You want me to stay here with you?" Louis nodded, tilting his head back so it rubbed against Harry's hand when he stopped moving his fingers. "You want your bad influences to rub off on me and have me skip school with you? And to what? Sleep?" Louis nodded again, biting down on his lip. "Hm. Is there something you want to ask me?"

"Stay with me?" And Louis didn't mean to reach back and place his hand on top of Harry's as he plead but he did and he swore he saw Harry's lip twitch like he was fighting a smile.

"Of course," Harry cooed, flipping his hand to wrap around Louis'. A good nap didn't sound too bad, especially since he woke up earlier than he would usually prefer the past two days and with such a pretty boy arms length away it was all the more appealing.

Not too long later, the boys fell asleep facing one another, hand in hand still resting on the side of Louis' neck. When neither one of them came back down to leave for school, Laura went upstairs to check up on them. She gingerly knocked on the door and poked her head in to see the two teenagers laying on Louis' bed centimetres apart, hand in hand. A small smile played on her lips as she gently shut the door behind her.

 

** 10:43 am **

Fourth period was about to end and the boys were still in Louis' room. They woke up since their nap started a few hours ago, but when Harry woke up Louis wasn't there in the bed with him. The space next to him was cold as if Louis was gone for a while now. Once finally coming to his senses, he heard the shower running and what sounded like sniffles and whimpers coming from behind the door. He wanted to knock and ask what was going on but it could've easily been squeaky pipes or Louis blowing his nose? However when Louis stepped out the bathroom he seemed a bit distant and he was walking funny. 

"You left me to wake by my lonesome," Harry said from the edge of Louis' bed, tracing the patterns of the stitching on his comforter.

"Sorry, I just needed to shower," Louis murmured from behind his towel. He was already dressed in his clothes for the day: black skinnies, a t-shirt, and a zip up over top.

Harry stayed quiet for a few seconds, biting the inside of his cheek as he contemplated whether or not he wanted to bring up the change in mood. He knew Louis did yoga and that might've been why was waddling a bit, but something about that answer didn't seem right. It didn't feel right the first time he said it but he chose to stick with it because what else was he supposed to think?

"Everything okay?" He couldn't not ask. He made Louis breakfast just for him to eat something so why would he hold back on asking if he was okay? Especially when they've told each other far worse things.

Louis looked at him with confusion written all over his face, a quirked brow making it prominent. "What do you mean?"

"Just that. Looks like you've been crying is all and I just want to know what's wrong."

That feeling of panic was very unsettling when it started tingling through Louis' stomach. "No, I, uh- I just got some shampoo in my eyes. That's why they're red."

Harry pressed his lips together and nodded his head, looking back down to the comforter. He couldn't help but feel like he was being lied to but he didn't protest against it. "You're walking funny again too. Just wanna make sure you're not hurt."

"Yoga."

"But we had a late night last night, where were you able to squeeze yoga in?"

"It calms me down so when I couldn't sleep I did a quick thirty minutes of yoga and was able to sleep."

It could be true and Harry should believe him, however there was just something in his gut telling him that Louis was lying. He stayed quiet and didn't meet eyes with his neighbour. Instead he continued to the trace patterns of the stitching again with his mind exploding with everything that could possibly be wrong with Louis. Was he upset about Harry sleeping in his bed with him? Or was he upset that Harry was in his house in the morning again? Some people liked their privacy and Louis was definitely one of those people but Harry was just trying to be nice. There was nothing malicious coming from his actions at all. Could Louis be upset that Harry was still there when he got out of the shower? Like he was expecting him to leave?

"Alright?" Louis asked when Harry seemed to space out.

"Yeah, 'm alright," he muttered quietly. Louis offered a brief fake smile before ruffling his hair with the towel again. Harry looked up and pat the space next to him once Louis' vision was cleared and said, "come sit with me."

"I've got to brush my hair."

"Let me help." He stood up to help Louis with his hair but he was soon shut down.

"No Harry. Just-" he sighed, shoving his face into his towel. "I'm sorry, I just-"

"Don't worry about it Lou. Sorry for overstepping. I just thought that- I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry." Louis didn't want Harry to feel bad because of his own inner turmoil.

When he woke up for the second time that morning, Harry was exceptionally close. Their hands were still linked and Harry's other hand was snaked under Louis' neck to bring him closer. That was the tip of the iceberg. Friends didn't do things like that and he couldn't help but feel like he was influencing Harry to do those things with him and he didn't want to change him.

Louis frowned, grabbing his comb and walked over to Harry, plopping down on the mattress next to him. He held the comb out to Harry with a smile. The tall boy took it and started to comb effortlessly through Louis' baby fine hair, styling it to the back. Louis smiled as he watched him concentrate too hard on his hair. "You know," Harry began, aimlessly combing Louis' hair. "We've gotten pretty close these past few days, yeah?"

"Yeah?" Louis knitted his brows in response.

"I just- you don't have to lie to me if you don't feel like telling me something."

"Harry-"

"It's fine Lou. Don't worry about it. I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't lie to me. I know you were upset because I heard you crying."

"Sorry." Louis looked down to his lap, feeling tears swell in his eyes. He knew Harry didn't like when people lied but he didn't want to tell him he was crying because he was scared that one day he was going to push Harry too far where he'd realise that he'd been doing things that he may not necessarily want to do. "I didn't mean to lie it's just that-"

"Love," Harry huffed out a laugh as he tilted Louis' head back up. There was a smile on his face because he wanted Louis to know he wasn't really all that mad over it. Did it upset him? Sure, but it was small lie. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'd rather you tell me that you don't want to talk about it than lie and push your feelings to the side."

Louis just thought that Harry would be upset because of the lie but when he mentioned feelings, that bit confused him. "What do you mean?"

"I don't want you to not acknowledge your feelings or deny them because of some sort of insecurity about it. If you don't want to tell me, fine, but at least let me know you're upset, okay?"

The conversation was a lot more lighthearted than Louis thought it'd be. He honestly thought he'd have his arse handed to him for lying but, of course, Harry was understanding about it. The small boy gave a soft smile and a nod. "Okay."

Harry returned the smile and thumbed along Louis' prominent cheekbone, admiring the beauty that was Louis Tomlinson. "Now, let me fix your hair that you messed up when you gave a frown." He ran the comb through Louis' hair a few times to fix the weird pattern he caused when he looked down to his lap. "All done my love." After a few last small strokes at the base of Louis' neck, Harry pulled the comb away and tapped his cheek a few times before sitting back.

"How do I look?" he said through giggles, using his hands to gently tap his hair to feel it.

"Stunning as always," Harry smiled back, swatting Louis' hands away so he could slide his own hands over the hair to smooth it out. "Wait, I have an idea. Come with me." He grabbed Louis' wrist and dragged him to the en-suite, sitting him on the toilet. "Do you have a blow dryer?"

Louis nodded and pointed to the cupboard it was in. "What're you up to Harry Styles?"

"'m gonna do your hair. Where's the brush?" Louis pointed to a different drawer and Harry grabbed the items he needed, searching through every cabinet and drawer looking for whatever it was that he wanted.

"Well hurry, we have to get to school soon."

"It's fifth period now and we should just spend lunch here. Might as well."

"So we're only going to three classes?"

"Don't give me that look minette, you're the one who wanted a late start." Louis only rolled his eyes and let Harry do whatever it was that he wanted to do with his hair. He used the brush to blow out Louis' hair for what seemed like forever and the whole time he had a devilish smile on his face and Louis felt like he was in for a treat.

Once Harry turned off the blow dryer and sat it down on the sink, he used his hands to mess with Louis' hair by pulling and maneuvering it around to get it to look just right. When he was finally done, Harry took a step back and started cracking up. He toppled over onto the wall to keep his body upright as he clutched his stomach. "What's so funny?" Louis pouted as he stood up to look in the mirror. The second he caught a glimpse of his reflection, his jaw dropped and there was a horrified look on his face. "Harry, what did you do?" Louis patted at his fluffed-out hair in dread.

"You don't like it?" Harry tried to fake pout, but he couldn't contain his laughter. He fluffed out Louis' hair so that it was sticking in every direction possible. Honestly, he thought Louis looked so damn adorable, especially when he looked terrified at his own reflection.

"I look like Beetlejuice!" Louis stomped his foot and stiffened his arms straight down to his sides. That made Harry laugh even harder but Louis only pouted even more. "Stop laughing at me!"

"In my defence, you didn't have a concentrator so it's a little frizzy."

Louis dropped his head forward in disbelief. "Really? That's what's wrong?"

"Oh Lou, you look so cute." He turned the small boy around so that they were both looking into the mirror with Harry standing behind him. His hands were resting on Louis' shoulders when he leaned down to whisper into his ear. "And I wouldn't say Beetlejuice. You're more like a Todd Flanders." Louis dropped him jaw again and scrunched his eyebrows together, elbowing the curly-haired boy in his gut.

"Fix it!" Harry laughed off the pain in his stomach and fixed Louis' hair by spritzing it with water and smoothing it out with the brush and giving it a rough blow dry so he looked naturally rugged.

"Let's have lunch." Harry switched off the light and walked out of the bathroom with Louis trailing behind with a scowl. "I've packed you a lunch for today so you can just have that if you want."

Louis followed Harry down into the kitchen where the bagged lunch was still resting on the counter where he last left it. "What'd you pack for me?" There was a small smile on Louis' face because Harry made him a lunch. No, he didn't like to eat all that often but it was the thought that counted. Harry wanted to do something nice for Louis and it was greatly appreciated, just like yesterday's breakfast.

A crinkling noise resonated in the kitchen as Harry unrolled the paper bag to pull out its contents. "Crisps, fruit, and teddy grahams." He placed the items in a line next to one another for Louis to choose from as he walked to the fridge to get him a bottle of water.

When he returned, the crisps were gone and Louis was munching away. "I don't understand why you're involving teddy grahams in everything you make for me."

"Because you like them and there's not much else you like." Harry grabbed the bag of teddy grahams for himself since he didn't pack a lunch for himself that morning.

"Yeah and I like your mac and cheese but you don't include that in everything." He popped a crisp into his mouth and watch the expression completely change on Harry's face.

"I knew it!" he exclaimed. "You little bugger. I knew you liked my mac and cheese."

Louis' face flushed pink in shame. He totally forgot he told Harry that it wasn't his favourite but it also wasn't too bad. "I forgot about that."

"What else have you lied to me about, hm? Since all of the secrets are coming out."

"That's it," Louis giggled, leaning his elbows against the counter.

"I don't believe you. You're probably a pathological liar." Harry ate a few teddy grahams, giving Louis a scowl when something dawned on him. "Have you ever lied about a pinky promise?" He received a weird look like Louis was just accused of a heinous crime. "Louis William Tomlinson I swear on everything I love, if you lied on a pinky promise I will summon every single-"

"I haven't," Louis laughed. "I know how much they mean to you, I'd never." He wasn't mocking him in any way, but Louis did stick his pinky out for Harry. At first he was sceptical about it, but he interlocked his pinky and kissed his thumb. Louis walked to the dining table and sat in his usual spot with Harry choosing the seat across from him. "What were you going to say if I have?" There was a playful smirk on his face because Harry was the most random person he knew and him using the word summon had to be interesting.

"Well, I don't want anything bad to happen to you even if you're a dirty, filthy liar so I was going to say I was going to summon all the flower gods to disown you so that whenever you walk but flowers they turn the opposite direction like they were shunning you."

Louis started to cackle. His eyes were squeezed shut and his head was thrown back with his hand still in the plastic bag of crisps. "Golden."

They finished lunch with a light conversation and Louis giving Harry a popsicle for being a good sport  
about all of the ' _secrets'_  that were coming out. Harry didn't eat much of anything. He wasn't all that hungry as he usually was, so he just ate the teddy grahams and a few slices of fruit and that was enough to satisfy him. The two boys found themselves to be on the couch once it all was done.

A program was playing on the telly while Harry laid his head on Louis' lap, aimlessly pulling at string cheese and feeding it to him in skinny pieces. As he was being fed, Louis was busying himself by running a hand through Harry's curls and watching the show that was playing. There was only about thirty minutes left of lunch and the boys had to leave soon in order to make it in time for seventh period, but everything in that moment felt so nice and both boys were content with life that neither wanted to leave.

"Lou?" Harry asked breaking the silence. He turned his head away from the screen and looked up to Louis. The string cheese had since been finished and Harry's hands were resting on his belly.

Louis looked down and smiled. "Harry?"

"This feels really nice."

"What does?"

"Just everything right now. I'm glad that we can do this. Like neither of us mind being close to one another and we don't mind showing each other affection. Feels nice." He rubbed his head further into Louis hand, basking in the warm touch.

He couldn't be any further from the truth. Every time they were too close or whenever Harry would touch Louis or when Louis would unknowingly touch Harry he had this internal battle with himself. Because in his heart he wanted to feel and be so much closer to Harry but in his mind he knew it wasn't right. He couldn't let his own sexual beliefs rub off on Harry in any way. If there were ever a time where Harry decided that he liked boys— which Louis thought was going to be slim to none— he wanted it to be on his own terms instead of being influenced by his actions.

But whenever he found himself in those situations where they were close and they would show any sort of physical affection, it was hard to pull away because there was a part of him that so badly wanted to be able to do it, but he had to remember that friends don't do those things. Like this morning. Harry's hand that was at the back of his neck should've been moved right when it was placed there but it just felt  _so_  good. And Louis should've never placed his hand on top of his and he should've never let Harry hold onto his hand. He should've never let Harry even be that close to him because it wasn't right but it felt like it was.

Louis offered a half smile and nodded his head halfheartedly. The direction of the conversation felt like it would be nearly impossible to escape so he decided to change the subject. "We should get ready for school." Louis removed his hand from Harry's hair and tried lifting his head but Harry wasn't budging.

"We still have-" he paused to look at the time and do quick maths in his head. "-twenty-three minutes before seventh period starts."

"And it takes ten minutes to walk there and I don't want to get there right when it starts so we have to leave earlier."

"You're already late to school, what does it matter if you're late to a lesson?"

"Up Harry." Harry sighed and sat up, allowing Louis to gather his things for school while trailing behind and doing the same. Louis always seemed to do this, Harry noticed. Anytime he'd mention the physicality of their relationship he'd run and Harry didn't know if it was because he was nervous to talk about it, not used to the idea of having a friend so he wouldn't know why to say, if it made him uncomfortable, or all three. But there was nothing he could do about it, now was there? He could definitely keep pushing it, but what was the point in that?

Once everything was prepared and ready, they walked side by side down the sidewalk to school. The silence didn't last long because of course if Harry was in a good mood he couldn't walk in silence. "So did you want to match costumes for tonight? Or did you want to go solo on it?"

"We can if you want, it'd make sense to," Louis replied nonchalantly as if he didn't want to so badly match with the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

"What'd you want to go as?"

Louis shrugged his shoulders and looked up at Harry for a second before returning forward. "Doesn't matter."

"What about Beetlejuice and Lydia Deetz?"

"Ha. Ha. Ha." He clapped in between each word. "Aren't you the comedian today."

"You're the one that said it!"

"Whatever." He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms in a pout. The image of how his hair looked wouldn't leave his mind and if that wasn't the most haunting thing to see.

"Don't pout kitten, you looked adorable with your hair like that." Louis glared at Harry which only proved his point further. He was just so damn adorable.

"Whatever Harry."

"How about we be greasers? I know you're dying to play the role."

"I don't have a leather jacket."

"Don't worry about it, just dress the best you can and I'll match you."

All his life Louis wanted to be a greaser and he was finally going to be able to be one. His excitement was suppressed, however, because he was supposed to be annoyed with Harry for making the Beetlejuice comment. That and he didn't want to show how pathetic he was from being  _that_ excited to dress up for Halloween for the first time in years.

 

** 6:43 pm **

When they got to school they had to check in at the front desk in the main office to be accounted for. Harry hated how they were nice to Louis and asked if he felt any better but scolded him for being late as if he were some juvenile punk. Apparently Laura called them both in saying that Louis was sick and Harry was staying back to take care of him. ("I don't understand why I'm being scolded for taking care of my friend," Harry complained. "Because we were late and you have no business taking care of a classmate during school hours," Louis responded with an eye roll. "But you're my friend!")

Their three lessons went by fast, granted it was only really two lessons for each of them because they both had a study hall. If it would have been any different, Harry would've been dragging along, anticipating the party tonight. He was sure this was going to be Louis' first high school party and it was going to be spent with  _him_. The entire night was to be with Louis at a party surrounded by people who would be too drunk to care about his presence. There was going to be endless amounts of alcohol and drugs and loud music with barely any room to dance but all Harry could think about was Louis holding onto to him to not get lost and he didn't seem to mind the thought of having Louis against him as they danced.

When school ended, Harry was attacked by Niall in the courtyard as he waited for Louis. His other friends were trailing behind but Niall was always the only one to be excited to see him. They asked where he'd been all day and he told them he just stayed home not feeling well. He excused himself and met up with Louis in the bathroom so they could go home and get everything situated before the party. It was five hours away, but it'd give Louis enough time to do homework and Harry enough time to calm Louis' nerves.

After dropping Louis off at his house, Harry drove to the shops to pick up a leather jacket that looked similar to his for Louis to wear as a part of his costume. He didn't know that a lot of shops didn't carry them and if they did they weren't the cutest. He visited many shops until he found the perfect one for Louis and wow he didn't know leather jackets were so expensive. If he weren't such a god damn fool for that fluffy haired boy, he definitely would've left it on the rack. The jacket was eighty quid which was pricey but definitely not the priciest he'd seen. As he was checking out, he couldn't stop himself from buying a dainty pink flower crown that would look absolutely stunning on top of Louis' hair. At least for that one it wouldn't wilt away.

Waiting for six thirty to come was dreadful for Harry. It was like watching paint dry. He told Louis he'd be over around then so they could get ready together but when he returned home it was only a quarter till four. He threw himself on his bed and stared at his ceiling for what seemed like forever and it was absolutely torturous. He busied himself by taking a nap and setting an alarm for six thirty and the second his alarm went off, he hopped out of bed, grabbed his clothes and hurried over to Louis' house. When Laura let him in, he raced up the stairs and barged into Louis' room without warning.

"Lou!" Harry squealed tackling the small boy in a hug. Louis was sitting at his desk peacefully doing homework before he was bombarded by a giant oaf.

With a grunt he was forced to the ground with Harry landing on top of him making the pain even worse. "Oh bloomin 'eck, Harry. Have you gone mad?"

"What? I can't be happy to see you?" Harry lifted himself up on his elbows to get some of his weight off of Louis.

"Sure, but this isn't American football."

"Hi kitten." He smiled down at Louis, caging his head in with his arms on either side after brushing his hair out of his face.

"Hello." He smiled back at him looping his arms around Harry's neck, his thumbs rubbing at the area right in front of Harry's ears. This was one of those moments where it was hard to pull away even when he should have. He should have pushed Harry off of him and carry on with the conversation like normal friends did but the pressure felt nice and he liked the feeling of Harry trapping him in.

"Is your head feeling any better?"

"It was, but I think I might have a concussion now."

"Sorry, Lou," Harry laughed with a glint in his eyes. "Want me to kiss it better?"

Louis slid his hands down to Harry's shirt and gently pushed him back to put space between the two of them. "We should start getting ready."

"Of course we should." He kissed Louis' forehead before carefully standing himself up."Come with me." Harry stuck his hand out with a smile as he pulled Louis to the bathroom just like that morning.

"I don't think you can be in charge of my hair anymore, monsieur." Flashbacks of earlier that morning flashed through his mind and he couldn't help but smile. Despite the petrified look he had on his face when he saw his hair, it was fun and he wished he could spend more mornings like that with Harry but he knew he never would and that would have to be okay.

"No blow dryers tonight, then." Harry liked looking at Louis who would always look at him with this sort of look on his face and sparkle in his eyes like he was unaware of it. Or maybe he just liked looking at Louis in general. What was there not to like? He was pretty, easy on the eyes and when you stared for too long he would crinkle his nose from being uncomfortable. "Lou?"

"Hm?" Louis smiled back at him.

Harry wanted so badly to tell Louis how beautiful he looked just sitting on the toilet like that, how the toilet might as well have been a throne. He did nothing at all and Harry was absolutely smitten. "M-maybe you should get dressed before I do your hair so it doesn't get messed up."

The small boy nodded, getting up from the toilet and walked back into his room to change, completely oblivious to Harry's change in mood with Harry following behind. "What're you doing?"

"I've got to change too."

"Yeah but- in the same room?" Any normal person wouldn't think twice of changing in front of their best mate but there was many stipulations at hand. One was that Louis didn't want Harry to see how gross he looked without clothes on. He hated the way he looked and he never wanted anyone to ever see him like that. Another would be that Harry hands down would have a gorgeous, perfect body and he wouldn't come close to compare and that would only make him look worse. But the main reason was that changing in front of someone or being in the same room as another person while undressing had always made him unsteady. Like in P.E. He hated being in the locker room and have to change in front of his school mates so he went into the stall to do so. Louis' never liked the idea of the possibility of people watching him change ever since he was little.

Harry sighed and dropped himself on Louis' bed, his eyes following as Louis paced the floor. "You know, you're really beautiful right? Like-" Harry never ever had a hard time complimenting or expressing how he felt and he couldn't understand why he was having a hard time. He struggled to find words to say like he was afraid of saying too much. "I can guarantee you, not only as a friend but as someone with common sense, that you have little to no flaws. You shouldn't be insecure about the way you look. Not around me at least."

"It's not that. I mean it's part of it but it just makes me feel weird. Like people watching me while I change sends me to this place that I just-"

"A dark place?" Harry was hesitant on asking it, but if that was true?he'd respect every order Louis gave him. The last thing he wanted to do was trigger him. He still wasn't sure what that dark place was or what caused the dark place to exist but he didn't want to push it. He'd find out when Louis was ready and he'd have to wait until then and respect it. Louis nodded his head, looking down to his fingers. "Okay, let me know when you're done."

Harry stood to walk out the room but Louis stopped him along the way. "You can stay. Maybe it'll help me get used to the idea of changing in front of people?" Not that he needed to be able to change in front of people but he thought it'd help with the suppressing of those memories he didn't like to see every time he took his clothes off. "Just like, don't look."

"Why do you need to get used to the idea of changing in front of people?" He couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of jealousy. Of course he wanted Louis to better himself, that was what he'd been preaching for the past few months, but he didn't like the idea of someone looking at Louis as he undressed.

Louis shrugged, grabbing his clothes from his dresser. "Just basic human functions I guess." Harry flatlined his lips, nodding and turning away so his back was towards the small boy. He crossed his arms and tapped his foot annoyingly.

"So you're looking for a boyfriend?" There was something about Harry's voice that Louis couldn't get behind. It sounded strange as if he was disapproving of it.

"Um, no?" Louis said pulling his shirt over his head and quickly replacing it with a plain white tee. Harry only hummed, his demeanour becoming unsettled and Louis watched him shift from side to side rigidly. "But I mean, I'm hoping not to die alone? I know I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to love and I'm sure there's absolutely no one on this planet who'd want to be with me forever, but it's nice to think about sometimes." He took his sweats off to replace them with the ripped black skinnies he picked out for his costume. "And instead of freaking them out with my problems I might as well try to get used to the idea of changing around someone. And you're my friend so."

He walked over to Harry and tapped him on the shoulder to let him know he was all dressed and immediately headed to the bathroom to get his hair done. "What makes you think there's no one out there for you?" Harry asked, following Louis into the bathroom.

"You sound like my grandad," Louis said, rolling his eyes and plopping down on the toilet.

"You can't possibly think that's true." Harry pulled out the gel and a spray bottle to wet down the hair so the gel wouldn't pull as he combed through it.

"Isn't it? I mean, c'mon, don't be so naïve Harry. You see the way people look at me at school."

"There's over seven billion people on this planet. Not even one percent of the population is going to know about your experience in school." Harry sprayed the water all over Louis' hair and combed it back to get it ready for the gel. "They're not going to know anything about it. None of it is going to matter in a few years."

"I'm never going to leave this town. As much as I want to, I don't think there'd be any other place for me in this world. I'd be stuck with the people here and as of now and how it's always been, I'm the laughing stock."

"That doesn't mean there's no one that'll want you. What if there's a boy who moved into town who was taken by you the second they saw you?" He glooped the gel onto Louis' head and spread it with his hands before combing through it to separate the hairs. "What if that boy just couldn't get enough and wanted to spend every second with you? What if he wanted to hug and kiss and-"

"Alright that's enough. I think you're stretching a bit," Louis chuckled. "That's never gonna happen but thanks for the optimism."

"What about me then?" Harry pulled the comb out Louis' hair and took a step back to look at him with scrunched brows. It slipped out and he didn't realise he said it. A Freudian slip as one would call it. The phenomenon that occurs when details from the subconscious mind have been surfaced. It could've easily been a slip of the tongue but there was no way there'd be that much emotion behind his tone if he didn't mean it.

The subconscious mind is a very fascinating and complex thing. There are things in everyone's subconscious that they aren't aware of due to the brain thinking it was protecting the vessel or for the simple fact that it was pushed there due to different beliefs. For Louis, many things have been hidden in his subconscious to keep him from turning in on himself. There are far worse traumatic things that happened to Louis than what he remembered but they were pushed to the subconscious to keep him from losing it.

However, just because memories or feelings are in the subconscious doesn't mean they go away. They can still impact the everyday life like why Louis would beg to be hit or he'd throw fits of rage when nothing would happen. Because there are memories hidden away. But for Harry, there wasn't any memories, not for this at least. Freudian slips reveal one's true feelings that they may not have been aware of. Sort of like earlier that day when Louis talked about the mac and cheese. Where that wasn't necessarily a Freudian and just a lapse in memory, Harry may have just expressed how he truly felt.

Or it could've been a slip of the tongue.

The thing is, all of Harry's life he believed himself to be straight. He'd never like a boy so he went along with the label of being straight, though he never felt immense emotions for a girl before. Sure there was that girl he chased after for years but it was more of lust than love. He never felt true passion until he moved across the street from none other than Louis William Tomlinson. It didn't feel like a romantic passion in any way, but there was this colossal passion towards him.

Being in that situation, Harry failed to realise that people don't just go around talking about how pretty a boy was to their girlfriends and people don't crave to hold their friend's hand or to hold them tight in a hug. He pushed all of that aside because he had never had a friend like Louis. Even with Niall they didn't just hold hands and they didn't cuddle close all that often. Friends don't do any of that but Harry continued to tell himself that they do because he wasn't aware of the reality of his life.

The unconscious could hold many things from the conscious mind whether that be bad memories or feelings for a boy and sometimes they could be acknowledged possibly for the first time through a Freudian slip.

"What about you?" Louis asked with knitted brows and squinted eyes.

Harry copied his expression before realising what he said. His eyes widened and his features softened when Louis quirked a brow. "D-do you, uh- do you think I'm going to find someone who'd want to be with me forever?" Harry quickly went back to do Louis' hair, feeling a bit shaken up. That's what he meant. Of course that was what he meant. What else would he mean by that?

"Oh. Course you will," Louis responded without hesitation. "Everybody wants you. I think it'll be harder for you to not find love."

"Just because everyone wants me doesn't mean I want everyone." He was finished combing the gel and was now using his fingers to put bigger breaks through the hair.

"Of course not, but I wouldn't worry about you finding love. You have the whole world in the palm of your hand."

"But I'd only want one person," Harry commented taking a step back with furrowed brows.

"Of course. That's how monogamy works mate." The word mate made both boys cringe because it was the first time Louis' ever said it casually in the months they've known each other and it just didn't sound right.

"They'd just have to want me back. That's all I really need."

"Those are quite low standards, Curly. But I wish you luck nonetheless." He gave a slight smile and an awkward laugh. "She'd be lucky to have you." The smile remained to try and hide the hurt he was feeling inside. It shouldn't be a surprise that Harry didn't want Louis the way Louis wanted him, but that didn't mean it hurt any less.

"Um, she, yeah. I guess  _she_  would." Harry sighed and walked out the bathroom, wanting to punch something. He wasn't angry but he was frustrated that Louis could be so oblivious at times. Not like he was trying to throw subtle hints or anything. Psh. "I got something for you."

"For me?" Louis asked trailing behind. A childish smile played on his lips because who didn't like receiving gifts of any kind?

"Yeah. You said you didn't have a leather jacket so-" Harry pulled out the small leather jacket from the bag that he kept it in. There were a few wrinkles but it was nothing a few hours couldn't get rid of.

"What? Why'd you buy me a jacket?" Louis grabbed the jacket from his hands and felt incredibly guilty. It obviously wasn't real leather but jackets can be quite expensive. Especially for a teenager without a job.

"You said you didn't have a leather jacket and what's a greaser without his leather jacket?" Harry smiled as he watched Louis walk to his full-length mirror to see what the jacket looked like against his body.

"That didn't mean buy one for me." He turned back to Harry before looking at the price tag and his eyes nearly popped out his skull. "No, Harry. Absolutely not. I'm not taking this."

Harry just smiled at Louis as if he didn't just spend over eighty pounds for that jacket. "Try it on." 

"No. You have to take it back." Louis walked back over to Harry and tried to hand it back to him but Harry clasped his hands behind his back and looked to the ceiling.

"No returns, sorry sugar."

"Well I'm going to have to pay you back then. This is a lot of money." He walked back to the mirror to look at the jacket against his body again.

"I'm not taking one penny from you." He glanced at Louis observing himself with the jacket pressed against his chest. "Just put it on, Lou." While Louis put the jacket on and silently observed the way it looked on him, Harry thought it'd be a good time to change into his costume. "I hope you don't mind me changing in here."

Louis looked at Harry through the mirror and his eyes boggled and his legs felt like jello. So yeah, he just confirmed that Harry is downright perfect. Seriously? His torso was nice and tan and very toned. Not to mention the tattoos etched into his skin which only accentuated the curves of his muscles even more. "Um, no yeah, it's whatever. Just let me know when you're done."

Harry stripped from all of his clothes before putting on his jeans and Louis had to keep himself from looking at him through the mirror. He wanted to respect Harry's privacy, but lord save him he was so god damn beautiful. While he was buttoning up his trousers, Harry looked up at Louis to see him staring quite intensely at the mirror. His brows were scrunched and he was concentrating too hard on not looking at Harry. He trodded over to the small boy and found a place behind him and asked, "what's wrong?"

Louis' mouth went dry. Harry was so close and he could feel the warmth he radiated be absorbed by his body, giving him goosebumps. "N-nothing. I'm, uh- I'm just looking in the mirror."

"I think you look great." Harry smiled, slipping his hands around Louis' waist to wrap them around the zipper and tugged slightly at the fabric. "Very suiting."

"How'd you know my size?" Louis looked at Harry's face through the mirror trying not to focus on his muscular, tanned arms that were scattered in tattoos.

"Well, I was between the extra small and large and took my chances with the extra small." Louis giggled, gently elbowing Harry in his bare stomach. "Seriously though, you make a nice greaser." 

"You think?" Louis smiled, looking back at himself in the mirror while tugging on his new jacket where Harry had previously had his hands.

"Of course, kitten." Before he walked away, Harry placed a kiss to the top of Louis' head, his lips getting coated in gel. As he walked away, Louis just couldn't stop himself from watching the way the muscles in Harry's back flexed and the small sway his hips made with every step he took.

As Harry reached to pick up his white tee, Louis spoke up because he wanted that moment to last a bit longer. "You, um, y-you have tattoos." He turned to Harry, allowing himself to observe his chest and arms that were covered in various tattoos of different shapes and sizes. Just when he thought nothing could make Harry more attractive.

"I do," Harry responded. He set his shirt back down, thinking Louis would want to look at them a bit longer. Louis was aware of the tattoos, everyone was, but he didn't know there were so many on his chest and biceps. "I also have four nipples."

"No way!" Louis had a look of disbelief as he took a step closer.

"It's true monsieur." Harry pointed out each nipple and when he removed his fingers he could somewhat see the outline of the extra ones.

"Did it hurt?"

"The nipples?"

"No, the tattoos." Louis laughed and shook his head at his neighbour.

"Oh. Some did, but nothing too bad. I kinda like the pain." Harry could see Louis' eyes widen from across the room and it made him chuckle. "I'm not a masochist, kitten. It just feels nice to me, I don't know how to explain it."

"How'd you get so many when you're so young and don't have a job to pay for them?"

"I've a friend back in my home town who's older and was training to be a tattoo artist. After getting permission from my mum, I was like his guinea pig." He looked at his arms, observing the tattoos he had. "The ones in the beginning were quite rubbish so a lot of them were covered up by bigger tattoos. He's proper good now. Been a few years."

Louis clasped his hands behind his back and crossed his feet with a nod. "When was you first tattoo?"

"I was fifteen."

"Your mum let you get a tattoo at fifteen from your beginner friend?" His eyes popped out of his head in disbelief.

"He's a family friend, Lou, don't be so surprised."

"Which one's your favourite?" Louis started fiddling with his fingers and tried to keep himself calm because Harry looked  _so_  damn good.

"Why don't you come here, and I'll show you?" He hesitantly tiptoed his way to the taller boy and stopped just short of arm's length away. Harry twisted his torso and pointed to the ship on his tricep.

"How come?" Louis asked, taking a better look at it.

"Dunno, I've always loved it. It's one of my more intricate ones."

"Very fine detailed." Harry smiled at the way Louis scrunched his eyes to focus better on the tattoo without getting too close. "I'm guessing it's a newer one?"

"Yeah, got it just before we moved. It's like a symbol of survival. Sophocles inspired the tattoo actually."

"Oh, is that so?" Louis raised his brows in surprise. He was not expecting that at all. He wasn't expecting Harry to even know who Sophocles was but Harry continued to be full of surprises.

"Yeah, it was his quote,  _'our ship of fate, which recent storms have threatened to destroy, has come safely to harbor at last.'_  It's about overcoming hardships and pulling through to peace and I like that."

"' _Guided by the merciful wisdom of Heaven,'_ " Louis continued the quote. "Antigone."

Harry nodded his head with a smile. He was finally able to relate to Louis through something academic. "I quite like it; Antigone is very empowering. Very headstrong and determined. Like someone I know." Harry booped the tip of Louis' nose with the pad of his forefinger. He blushed, moved his head back and swatted the long finger away. "Which one's your favourite?"

Louis looked all over Harry's body trying not to seem too desperate to inspect the shape of his muscles and the way the tattoos curl around his arms perfectly. "That one," Louis attempted to hide his smile as he pointed to the big butterfly on Harry's chest. When he looked at the butterfly, he was able to see the two extra nipples on either side of it.

"How come?" Harry repeated Louis' question with a smirk, observing how his eyes were full of wonder as they scanned over his body. It was quite comical how everyone's favourite tattoo of Harry's was the butterfly. It was Monet's, Niall's, and now Louis'— more of his friends liked the tattoo but they aren't important enough characters to be mentioned. But those were just by its looks. Harry knew Louis had a reasoning behind it and couldn't wait to hear it. "You can touch it if you'd like. I don't mind." He carefully grabbed Louis' wrist and guided it to his chest. Louis' fingers grazed the soft, tan skin carefully, soaking up every second they lingered.

"Butterflies are beautiful, obviously, but they symbolise freedom and change." Louis was left in a trance as he mindlessly spoke while tracing the outlines of the tattoo. "The journey is their only guarantee. They go through so many changes they have to adapt and accept them as they come but the journey is the only thing they're sure of. They embrace their changes and flaunt them beautifully." He continued to trace his finger along the outlines of the tattoo, finding more and more intricate details along the way like the lines in its body and how the edges of the wings had little tiny spikes. "They accept the changes as they come and make the most out of them. It's quite inspiring really."

Harry listened along and watched Louis concentrate on the tattoos and adored how his features scrunched and relaxed as he moved along to other tattoos on his body, finding details about those as well. He couldn't stop the smile from creeping onto his face when Louis traced over the solid black heart. Louis was beautiful, no doubt, but there was just something else that he couldn't pin. There was something about Louis that felt timeless in a sense.

While admiring his friend's soft, and beautiful features, the door to Louis' bedroom creaked open, startling both boys. "Are you two-" Laura stopped mid-sentence after taking in the sight before her. Harry was shirtless and Louis was touching his bicep. Definitely not what she was expecting. "Oh, am I- am I interrupting something?"

Louis immediately retracted his hands and began to panic, distancing himself from Harry. "N-no. Nothing was happening." He started to pull and scratch at his wrists in a nervous tick. The last thing he wanted was for his mum to think something was going on between the two of them and for Harry to feel uncomfortable about it.

"Right, well I just came up to see when you two were leaving."

"We'll be right out, Laura," Harry smiled, reaching for his shirt and pulling it over his head. She nodded and closed the door behind her. When Harry looked to Louis, he could see the strain in his mind by the pinkness of his face and the clenching fists and the vein that popped out on his forehead. "What's wrong?" He reached his hands out to hold Louis', but he pulled away and took a step back.

"She thought we were doing  _things_." When he looked up his brows were knitted together and his eyes were brimming with tears. There was a difference between Louis not wanting to influence Harry and for other people to think he was influencing Harry in any way and his mum was thinking exactly that.

"Hey, why're you crying? Everything's fine."

"It's not. She thought she interrupted something. But she didn't. And you're-"

"I'm what?"

"You like girls."

"Why do you keep saying that?" Harry's voiced raised in frustration because that was starting to get annoying. "You always use it as an excuse."

Louis furrowed his brows in confusion, not understanding why Harry would mind him saying it. "Well, because you do and I don't want to lose you over my sexuality."

"Lou," Harry sighed, taking one of Louis' hand into both of his, holding it firmly. "I can tell you that will never happen. None of that matters to me."

"But she thought-"

"Who cares? Let her think whatever she wants to think."

"What if people think you're my boyfriend? Or that we're dating? When-"

"Then we'll go along with it because anyone would be lucky to be your boyfriend. And even if it'll only be for a few minutes, I'd be honoured."

Louis rolled his eyes and pulled on Harry's arm, dragging him to the bathroom to do his hair to mask  
the flutters in his stomach. "You're crazy Harry Styles," he said while spraying down Harry's hair.

"Why? Do you really think I'd be a bad boyfriend?" His eyes followed Louis as he scooped gel into his hand and rubbed it around his palms.

"No, I'd think you'd be a great boyfriend." He smacked his hands on top of his head, laughing when Harry flinched.

"Then why are you so opposed to the idea of me pretending to be your boyfriend?"

"Because it's a ridiculous thought." Sliding the comb through the curls, Louis was careful not to pull on the knots he forgot to comb out before he put the gel on.

"Why?"

"Because you're pretty." It was blunt and to the point and Louis carried on combing through Harry's hair as if he hadn't just complimented him. The compliment sent a wave of tingles all throughout Harry's body which wasn't like him. He received compliments all the time and he never reacted that way before. He liked that very much and he told himself it was because Louis didn't hand out compliments all that often.

"So are you," Harry responded, looking up at Louis with a foolish smile on his face.

Louis only shook his head and eyed Harry's hair, checking to see if there was anything that needed to be fixed. "It's not the same." He tucked a stray curl behind Harry's ear and pressed it flat saying, "all done," before he could respond. "Let's go." He tugged on the tall boy's arm to get him out the ensuite.

Harry rolled his eyes and grabbed his leather jacket before heading out to his car. They said their goodbyes to Louis' parents after Laura tried to take pictures of them on their way out. Louis having to practically push Harry out the door to prevent him from posing and because he already tried to have a conversation with Laura. In no way was he that eager to go to the party, but he just wanted to avoid the direction that conversation was bound to be heading. So like he always did, he ran away from his problems and dealt with the next one that was surely to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to update earlier today but i kept getting distracted. i also have acquainted a new addiction the property brothers game fuck me smh. but i hope y'all enjoyed bc this chapter was super difficult to edit because it was written terribly so i hope i was able to save it well enough.
> 
> stay safe xx


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